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Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

”Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That’s right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it’s already been slapped 12 times.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

”After Joe Wilson’s outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. … But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson’s behavior. This is Joe Biden we’re talking about. Joe Biden saying it’s embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you’ve had too much to drink.” —Craig Ferguson

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama’s face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.” —Seth Meyers

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

”President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” —Conan O’Brien

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. … I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Lady Gaga is going to have a Thanksgiving special this year.  In honor of the holiday she’ll perform in a turkey meat dress.

According to the Department of Homeland Security, Al-Qaeda may be targeting our food supply with deadly chemicals.  Sorry Al-Qaeda, Kraft, Heinz, Nabisco, Campbell’s and a few others already beat you to it.

One of Herman Cain’s accusers said he made inappropriate advances and tried to reach up her skirt.  Obviously, he was not a politician back then or he would have not only succeeded in reaching up her skirt but would have successful in getting her to have sex with him.

Cain is being attacked for inappropriate behavior.  Nobody’s talking about Obama’s inappropriate behavior, such as Obamacare, where he didn’t just try but has succeeded in screwing the whole country.

Two gay penguins in a Toronto zoo are being separated and they are trying to pair them up with female penguins.  As part of the process neither penguin will be allowed to see any more episodes of the TV show Glee.

There is a Congressional Supercommitee in charge of finding at least $1.2 trillion in deficit reduction.  They are at an impasse.  There must be a definition of “super” that only Congress knows because from what I know of the word you could never apply it to anything to do with Congress.

Rick Perry has been accused of having brain freeze, which is likely a side effect of his cold heart when he approves executions.

In Georgia at a Taco Bell a deer jumped through the window.  Afterward, a Taco Bell spokesman gloated, “Now let’s hear people say there’s no meat in Taco Bell.”

Last week was International Fraud Awareness week.  So, technically, the entire government should have shut down, but being aware that they were fraudulent they decided to stay open.

Apple is working on 3-D technology that can be seen without glasses.  Someone should tell them that Mother Nature beat them to it with the invention of the eyeball.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien and David Letterman:

“As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for.” –Jay Leno

“At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn’t remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…” –Jay Leno

“Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, ‘It ain’t gonna happen!’ That’s what he said. Ironically, that’s what women say to him when he’d put his hand up their skirt.” –Jay Leno

“If the Earth was visited by aliens, this would be a huge problem for the Republican Party. Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he’s not even voting for himself.” –Jay Leno

“The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They’re calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.” –Jay Leno

“After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he’s going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He’ll be gone in a week.” –David Letterman

“There’s another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he’s getting attacked for it all of a sudden.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‎”The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain — like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt.” –Stephen Colbert

“There’s a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I’m sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman’s wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, ‘We’re still getting used to having a Muslim president.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that’s kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he’s not a liar, he’s obviously not cut out for politics.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama’s policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That’s because he’s created more jobs overseas than here in America.” –Jay Leno

“The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can’t even find aliens sneaking across the border.” –Jay Leno

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they’ve had them since the 60’s. I don’t think he’s that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box.” –Jay Leno

“Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He’s leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party.” –Jay Leno

‘The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee.” –Jay Leno

“Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech.” –Jay Leno

“You’re here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser.” –David Letterman

“Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That’s got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free.” –Craig Ferguson

“The latest castoff from ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I’m sorry. That’s a joke from next year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late ’90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We’ll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we’ll give you your money back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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I hate to do this to the Three Stooges, who are actually respected in their field, that being slap-stick comedy, but I’m going to have to compare the Obama administration’s handling of the economy to the Three Stooges.  My apologies to the original Stooges because I’m sure they would do a better job of handling the economy than the current stooges are doing.

President Obama would be Moe, Timothy Geithner would be Larry and I’ve anointed Bernanke as Curly just because he is bald and I can imagine him lying on the floor running in a circle yelling, “Moe, Larry, cheese.  Moe, Larry, cheese,” every time he has an uncontrollable urge for cheese.  (Or in this case the cheese would be a stimulus.)  Of course, Joe Biden would be Shemp because he just never fit in and no one really ever liked that guy.

I can just hear one of the meetings with the three of them in the Oval Office:

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads, what do you think about another one of those Quantitative Easings?

Geithner (as Larry):  I don’t know, this is the 20^th one, they don’t seem to be working anymore.

Obama (as Moe) to Bernanke (as Curly): What do you think? Should we do it?

Bernanke (as Curly):  Why Soitenly!  Ynuk, ynuk, ynuk.

Then after it fails again for the 20^th time Obama and Geithner are in the Oval Office putting the blame on Bernanke by Geithner pulling on Bernanke’s ear with a wrench, while Obama is lifting Bernanke by the nose with a crow bar.

It’s something to marvel at that Moe, who was always so angry, would still probably pull better poll marks that Obama does today.  And that is because if Moe were here now and he saw what Obama was doing he’d call him a knucklehead and give him a double poke in the eyes and everybody would probably cheer for him.

Moe did always have a habit of acting tough but when there was any real danger he would run away with the other Stooges which is why Obama is the perfect modern day Moe.  What he was essentially saying to Congress about the debt ceiling and raising taxes was, “Why I oughta…”  And then when things got tough he and the other stooges turned and ran away as they were heard to say, “yneh, yneh, yneh…”

Here is another scenario from the Oval Office Back from when the major banks were about to go bankrupt:

Obama (as Moe):  What are we going to do now?

Geithner (as Larry):  It’s just too big to fail.

Obama (as Moe):  We’re not talking about your head, you know.

Bernanke (as Curly):  I think he’s right.  We should drop money from helicopters if we have to. (Steve’s note:  Sadly, that really does sound like something the Three Stooges would say rather than the guy in charge of the Fed, but he actually did say those words.)

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads better be right or you’re in big trouble.

Months later, after their bailout failed miserably, there is a lot of eye gouging and hitting in the head… you can imagine that scene if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges.

Obama, Geithner and Bernanke are constantly telling us they have the answers to fix the economy and each time it gets worse.  Bernanke claims to be an expert and a student of the Depression but if the three of them became more expert on the Three Stooges instead, our economy would probably be in a lot better shape right now.  Luckily, everybody already ignores Shemp (Biden) anyway.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

“The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can’t be that bad.” –Conan O’Brien

“In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe’s leader, Dances to Gaga.” –Conan O’Brien

“Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, ‘Because of that comment I’m going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.’” –Conan O’Brien

“It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age ceiling…so he will be 50.” –Jay Leno

“To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I’ll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign.” –Jay Leno

“After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, “It’s time for jobs to move to the front burner?” Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they’re about to lose theirs jobs.” –Jay Leno

“Here’s an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We’re broke!” –Jay Leno

“July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it’s not the heat that gets you; it’s the stupidity.” –Jay Leno

“A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name ‘District of Columbia.’” –Jay Leno

“That’s what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted.” –Jay Leno

“They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we’re $16 trillion in debt. That’s not ‘economic disaster?’” –David Letterman

“Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I’ll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria’s Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. ‘Why don’t you slip into something a little more con carni?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, ‘You know what, I’ll just take the groping.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?” –Jay Leno

“It’s what they call a ‘two-step’ deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can,’ to ‘Yes we cave.’” –Jay Leno

“Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.” –David Letterman

“The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another ‘Smurfs’ movie before 2014.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card.” –Conan O’Brien

“Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That’s how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money.” –Conan O’Brien

“We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a ’sugar-coated Satan sandwich.’ Or as Americans put it, ‘Sugar-coated? Yum – I’ll take six, please!” –Jimmy Fallon

“McDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It’s nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, ‘Cool! I made this.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, ‘Does she have a daughter?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

They say 50 is the new 30 — not in age, in money: $50 is now worth about $30. –Jay Leno

President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn’t really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that’ll be president Bieber’s problem. –Jay Leno

The Cheesecake Factory is now offering a new low calorie “skinnylicious” menu. That’s what they call it, “skinnylicious.” As opposed to their old menu, which was “fatastic.” –Jay Leno

A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term. –Conan O’Brien

The woman who attempted to rob Alex Trebek’s hotel room may face 25 years in prison. Even worse, while she’s waiting for the judge’s decision, they’ll make her listen to the music from “Jeopardy.” –Conan O’Brien

The Garmin company is offering a new GPS device that has the voice of Yoda. Maybe it’s just me but if I’m getting turn-by-turn directions, do I really want to hear them from someone that speaks backwards? –Conan O’Brien

While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming. –Jimmy Fallon

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that swearing doesn’t make you feel better, but you know who disagrees with that? Anyone that has ever stubbed their toe. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events of the last week:

The Roger Clemens trial started.  He was hoping to draft some of the jurors from the Casey Anthony case for his trial.

Roger Clemens is being charged with lying to Congress about taking steroids.  It turns out you’re actually only allowed to lie to Congress if you’re a congressman.

Last week a woman was accused of stealing $110,000 worth of bull semen.  She stole it either because she thought she’d also get the appendage which it came from or she has some very lonely cows at home.

CNN cancelled Elliot Spitzer’s show.  Who knew there was still an Elliot Spitzer show?

Roseanne is going to have a new show on Lifetime.  It’s called Roseanne’s Nuts.  I didn’t even realize she was a transvestite.

If the government is shut down there will be 800,000 non-essential employees out of work.  I guess that means the President, Vice-President, Congress and about 799,500 others will be on the sideline.

The good news is that if the government is shut down you will still be able to be groped by the TSA if you fly somewhere.

The unemployment rate went to 9.2% nationwide or as President Obama would say “the sky is not falling.”  But he does give us hope that we will have change in 2012.

A federal appeals court ruled that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military is illegal.  This was a major win for gays.  It also opened the door for military recruiters to start buying advertising time on the TV show “Glee.”

Bill Clinton says Americans need to be more innovative.  That could mean many things to many people.  For him I’m guessing he has seen the likes of John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger get their mistresses pregnant so they need to be more innovative with their birth control.

Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, has some good ideas except that he thinks we should keep the Fed because he says, “What are we going to replace it with?”  My answer to that argument is that if my dog takes a crap in the back yard and I clean it up I don’t need to have it replaced.

Lady Gaga may have an eating disorder.  You had to suspect she had some confusion about food ever since she wore that meat dress.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

1)      NBC has apologized for editing out the words “under God” from its coverage of the US Open.  Ironically, their execs continue to pray daily for better ratings.

2)      Al-Qaeda is running out of money so they had to cut down on their reward in the afterlife from 72 virgins to 3 old whores and 1 transvestite virgin.

3)      At Wimbledon, the CEO of the tennis club was complaining about players grunting as they hit the ball, especially the women.  Leave it to the conservative English to complain about a woman grunting.  For American men, the louder they grunt the more we like it…Oh wait, are we still talking about tennis?

4)      Obama has announced that the troops in Afghanistan will be coming home by September 2012.  OMG, what a coincidence, that comes right before the election!  (This would be much more in the rant category than the joke category, but it had to be said.)

5)      Republicans walked out on the Joe Biden-led budget talks where Democrats demanded a tax hike.  No one knows if they walked out because they just disagreed or if it was because Joe Biden was talking.  It didn’t matter, Biden kept talking anyway.

6)      Bristol Palin’s memoir is out.  Levi Johnston has said, “I wouldn’t read it even if I could.”

7)      Prince Harry is saying that he is 100% single.  That’s the same thing Anthony Weiner was saying when he would sext his photos.  But he was pretending it was his penis talking, kind of bragging, like to say there was only one of them in there.

8)      Florence Henderson, aka Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch, says she got crabs after a one-night-stand with former NYC mayor, John Lindsay, a career politician.  Ah yes, it makes you yearn for the good old days.  Back then she got screwed by a politician and all she got was crabs.  Nowadays, everyone gets screwed by politicians, and it’s not even consensual sex, and we end up with something like Obamacare.

9)      Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers wants to change his name to World Peace.  I can just see it next year with the Lakers in the playoffs and the ref calls a technical for an excessive foul by World Peace.

10)    Last week President Obama and Justin Beiber were in NYC at the same time.  Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign and Beiber was there launching a new fragrance.  Some people were saying there was a foul stench from both of their activities.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson. (The rest are in reruns this week.)

“Donald Trump said he’d release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn’t want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with ‘the blacks.’ Well, not anymore.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s Bar Mitzvah certificate.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion.” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won’t run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head.” –Conan O’Brien

“Gary Busey said on the ‘Today Show’ yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen.” –Conan O’Brien

“The FAA suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie on the job. The controller said he was only watching a movie because he couldn’t sleep.” –Conan O’Brien

“NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew ‘The Apprentice.’ So some good may come out of this.” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working.” –Conan O’Brien

“Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, ‘Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.’” –Conan O’Brien

“To celebrate Kim Jong Il’s birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people.” –Conan O’Brien

“The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that Uncle Sam isn’t going to let banks screw people over.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama’s critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, ‘Be sure to watch ‘Celebrity Apprentice.”” –Craig Ferguson

“Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One’s full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry.” –Craig Ferguson

“The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I’m talking to you, Willie Nelson.” –Craig Ferguson

The governor of Hawaii said he first met President Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for “change.” –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty, tough talk, and utter lunacy. -Jimmy Kimmel

If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One. -Jimmy Kimmel

Charlie Sheen was an hour late for his show in Washington, D.C. and he tweeted a picture of his police escort. Aren’t the police supposed to take Charlie Sheen from places? -Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some more jokes about liberal politicians from the late night comedians:

”There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it’s twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking…And that’s just the part where he fixes his hair.” —Craig Ferguson

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” —Craig Ferguson

”That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” —Jay Leno

”Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, ‘Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”’ —Conan O’Bien

”When Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it’s already doing some good.” —Jay Leno

”The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That’s what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel.” —Conan O’Brien

”I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase ‘Oh God, oh God,’ more than President Clinton.” —Conan O’Brien

”President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.” —Jimmy Fallon

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

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Here are some funny observations from current events over the past week:

George Bush mentions Dick Cheney quite a bit in his book and not always in a flattering way.  He should very worried if Cheney asks him to go on a hunting trip.

Obama was unwelcome on his trip to Indonesia, 20,000 people protested.  They thought he was lying when he told them he was a Muslim.

There is a dog diner that opened in London that only serves dogs.  It’s funny how if you heard that news in Korea or Vietnam it would have a totally different meaning.

A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it in a fight.  That could be a new menu idea for the next Carnival Cruise disaster.

Congressman Charles Rangel walked out in the middle of his ethics hearing and many are saying it should just be viewed as a head start to getting the hell out altogether.

The fossils of Neanderthals show that they lived fast and died young.  Coincidentally, they are also finding the remains of a lot of bars from Neanderthal times.

Another earlier species of man was Homo erectus.  They were crouched over and never did get fully erect, which is probably why condom use dropped out altogether during that period.

Martha Stewart has admitted that she likes to give turkeys some bourbon before they get slaughtered.  There are some Washington turkeys that I’d like to see invited to her house for Thanksgiving.

Congress has started its lame duck session.  Ducks were outside the building protesting.

…and finally, after the election results came in God has disowned President Obama.  He can no longer call himself the son of God.

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