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Here are some funny observations (at least some of them are, some are just pathetic) after the election is finally over:

During his victory speech after being re-elected, Obama acknowledged that there is still a lot of work to be done, and now that this election is over he can get that work done…on his golf game.

The nation is so divided right now, it hasn’t been this bad since the Civil War when brothers fought against brothers.  I can tell you this, half of my family is not invited for Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Big Bird breathed a sigh of relief.  With Romney losing the election it enable him to remain on PBS welfare to get free advertising for his billion dollar enterprise.  Which means his taxes will go up with the rest of the 1%.

Washington and Colorado have legalized recreational marijuana.  Now when NFL teams play in Denver or Washington the players will be like, “Hey, man, why are we hitting each other like this.  Let’s just order some pizza and chill out, man.”

As an example of government waste, they gave $97,000 for floating outhouses for Oregon fisherman.  Don’t fisherman usually consider the lake their own personal outhouses, for free?

Joe Biden says he’s going to take a vacation after campaigning hard for a year and a half.  Campaigning and vacation…when do they do any actual governing?  (Also, we can put the gaffe meter away until he gets back.)

Florida, finally, just got all their votes counted from the election… of course I’m referring to the Bush/Gore election.

Apparently, in Florida they have old people counting the ballots and when they get to 20 they forget where they were and they have to start over.

Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, is expected to step down and move into the private sector.  With so many business doing badly he should fit in perfectly.

As a closing thought, which has nothing to do with the election, but does anyone else get the feeling that Disney might view that Miley Cirus has gone from Hannah Montana to the Disney anti-Christ?

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel: (the rest are in reruns this week)

Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone on TV has said everything there is to say about the last presidential debate, so there’s no political commentary here. Tuning into this show for political commentary is like watching Bravo to learn about sports. Or like going to Larry King for marital advice. . –Craig Ferguson

They say $100 million worth of priceless art was stolen from a museum in Holland. Though if it’s $100 million worth of priceless art, it is not really priceless, is it? . –Craig Ferguson

The FBI actually has an art theft unit. If CBS ever makes a show out of this heist, the FBI guy would say, “Thieves steal paintings to get rich. Let’s bust ‘em so they wind up ‘baroque.’” Hey, that’s a proper joke right there. . –Craig Ferguson

Did anyone in this room watch the debate last night, the presidential debate? I didn’t like it. I thought it was uncomfortable. I don’t know why they have to argue all the time. –Jimmy Kimmel

The whole thing was very tense, sometimes passive aggressive. Just like being with your family at Thanksgiving. In fact, I think they officially kicked the holiday season off last night with the debate. –Jimmy Kimmel

A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama’s strategy of staying awake through this one paid off. –Jimmy Kimmel

The format of the debate was a town hall meeting. Before last night, I didn’t know town hall meetings were a real thing. I thought they made them up for movies like “Footloose.” –Jimmy Kimmel

The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket. –Jimmy Kimmel

The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as “Money Bag.” –Conan O’Brien

One of President Obama’s goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from “Fifty Shades of Grey.” –Conan O’Brien

After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president. –Conan O’Brien

Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive. –Conan O’Brien

A company just came out with a car that will retail for only $3,000. They are calling it the 1997 Corolla. –Conan O’Brien

It’s not such a great day for Hulk Hogan. Sources now say he was involved in leaking his own sex tape. Faking the theft of a sex tape? This could give professional wrestling a bad name. –Craig Ferguson

Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said “Boooo, China.” And Obama was like, “Yay, old people.” –Craig Ferguson

Nobody in the debate talked about today’s big story out of Europe — the big art heist at a museum in Rotterdam. You have to hand it to these thieves. It is not easy sneaking up in the Netherlands. Usually your wooden shoes give you away. –Craig Ferguson

Tonight is the second of three big debates between President Obama and Mitt Romney from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, moderated by Candy Crowley. Why should it be on all channels? The Super Bowl is on one channel and we find it. –Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She’s pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election. –Jimmy Kimmel

They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn’t it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess? –Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight’s debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place. –Jimmy Kimmel

One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight’s debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, President Obama said he thinks Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj can fix their feud. Sounds like he’s ready for the second debate. –Conan O’Brien

Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It’s an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Hulk Hogan is suing over the release of his sex tape. Yeah. And guess what? So is everyone else. –Conan O’Brien

It’s not a great day for the ladies of “The View.” Barbara Walters announced this morning they were snubbed by Mitt Romney. He was scheduled for an interview, but he canceled at the last minute. Barbara said, and I quote, “you do not cwoss me, Mitt Womney. I will have my wevenge.” –Craig Ferguson

Apparently Mitt Romney wants to limit his appearances to places where no one will attack his positions. You know, like the debates. –Craig Ferguson

It was a big weekend in L.A. The space shuttle Endeavor was pulled through L.A. traffic to its new home at the California Science Center on Sunday. It was supposed to arrive the day before, but it got rear ended by Amanda Bynes. –Craig Ferguson

It was a big weekend for Felix Baumgartner, the Austrian daredevil who broke the world record for sky diving. He jumped off a balloon 24 miles high. He fell to earth so fast he broke the sound barrier. He fell faster than President Obama’s poll numbers after the debate. –Craig Ferguson

Lindsay Lohan has at long last revealed the candidate she backs. She made the announcement at the Mr. Pink ginseng drink launch party where historically key political endorsements are handed out. –Jimmy Kimmel

She gave an endorsement while doing an endorsement. I don’t know if that’s ever been done before. –Jimmy Kimmel

As of Friday morning Lindsay Lohan was not registered to vote but incredibly, still registered to drive. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lindsay’s publicist told “Today” she’s in the process of registering to vote. She sent in the paperwork. I don’t see that happening. Could you imagine Lindsay Lohan waking up early on November 6 and waiting in line at a high school to vote? Maybe if she was already passed out in the bushes at the high school, then maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

Did you all watch the Republican convention last night? It’s good to see scripted television finally making a comeback. –Jay Leno

Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney’s tax shelter. –Jay Leno

According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama’s Twitter followers are fake. They don’t even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn’t be any jobs for them. –Jay Leno

The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good. Just don’t drink the Kool-Aid. –Jay Leno

I thought Mitt Romney’s wife Ann did a good job at the Republican convention. During her speech, she said after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 2-room basement on the French Riviera. –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word “I” 37 times, “Romney” 7 times, and “jobs” only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word “ham.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn’t really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008. –Conan O’Brien

The oldest person on Facebook is a 101-year-old woman. She said, “I want to waste what little time I have left.” –Conan O’Brien

Here’s what’s great about America. You can now buy waffle-flavored vodka. See, good things are happening under Obama. –David Letterman

Dr. Phil had his car stolen. He bought the car with the money he earned exploiting kooks and crackpots on TV. –David Letterman

I can’t wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate. –Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do. –Jay Leno

Hurricane Isaac is officially a Category 1 hurricane. It was so windy that gas stations needed three guys working outside — two to hold the ladder while the other guy climbed up to raise the prices. –Jay Leno

President Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters. Well, you can understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can’t find a job. –Jay Leno

President Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, the White House beer is a lot like the Obama administration — great buzz, weak finish. –Jay Leno

A group of coal miners in Ohio said that their bosses forced them to attend a Mitt Romney campaign event. You know you’re boring when people would rather dig coal than listen to you speak. –Conan O’Brien

Today the Mars rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas. So there you have it, folks. Mars really is uninhabitable. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a new website that allows you to support Prince Harry by posting a naked photo of yourself. The website’s called “Extremely Gullible Girls Gone Wild.” –Conan O’Brien

Cinnabon is going to create the new Cinnabon pizza. They’re also working on the new Type 3 diabetes. –Conan O’Brien

According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity. –David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan has been in and out of the slammer more times than you would care to count. Now she is a person of interest in a jewel heist. She’s already picking out her inappropriate outfit for her next court date. –David Letterman

An all-female rock band from Russia, in a Moscow cathedral, played a protest song about Vladimir Putin’s ties to the church. Putin’s henchmen tracked them down and threw them in prison. They were charged with hooliganism. Is that a crime? That’s like being charged with tomfoolery. Or shenanigans. –Craig Ferguson

If you don’t agree with Putin, you get sent to a gulag. Maybe they should’ve sung it ironically, sung about the fact that Putin got elected with 140 percent of the vote. –Craig Ferguson

Some Russians are claiming that Putin’s election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing. –Craig Ferguson

When the band’s members were sentenced, there was a huge protest in Moscow. One of the protesters was Garry Kasparov, the chess champion. He got roughed up by police. I don’t know why. He’s just a pawn in their game. –Craig Ferguson

It looks like Hurricane Isaac has delayed the Republican convention for one day. This is a big storm. In fact, Isaac has scared more senior citizens than Paul Ryan. –Jay Leno

Some of the Republicans, I think, are over-reacting to Hurricane Isaac — like today Rick Santorum was seen gathering up two of every animal. –Jay Leno

Herman Cain was in Tampa. When a reporter asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina, he said, “I never even met the woman.” –Jay Leno

The Mars rover Curiosity took its first test drive on the surface of Mars. It traveled 15 feet. Apparently it wasn’t that curious. –Jay Leno

Tomorrow the Mars rover is going to premier the new Black Eyed Peas song by beaming it back to Earth. In other words, the rover has turned against us. The machines have risen. –Conan O’Brien

One of the newest trends in Iraq is knock-offs of American fast-food chains. These are real — such as Burger Friends and KFG. There’s even a cheap knock-off of an Italian restaurant. It’s called the Olive Garden. –Conan O’Brien

This year the theme of the Republican convention is “50 Shades of White.” –David Letterman

NASA has actually landed a car on Mars. It’s called the Curiosity. That vehicle, now on Mars, cost two and a half million dollars. But when you drive that thing off the lot, instantly it’s worth less than half that. –David Letterman

They test drove the Curiosity over the weekend and it was digging a hole. It got bigger and bigger, digging a huge deep hole. It’s like Todd Akin. –David Letterman

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

U. S. students rank 27^th in the world in math, yet we are number one in educational spending per pupil.  Apparently, we are letting the kids figure out the budget.

A former Olympic swimmer said in an interview last week that nearly all competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly.  Now the Olympic Committee is considering one of those signs that says, “I don’t swim in your toilet, please don’t pee in my pool,” for the next Olympics.

Last week Joan Rivers handcuffed herself to a shopping cart at Costco to protest them not selling her new book.  It was more than that though.  She was also trying to cover up her wrists with the handcuffs because that’s the only part of her body that has not had plastic surgery.

Al Gore will serve as anchor for the coverage of the Democratic and Republican conventions on his own Current-TV Network.  Since his network has no audience he’ll be talking to himself, so finally there will be somebody who cares what he has to say.

Half of the counties in the U.S. are now considered disaster areas because of the summer drought.  As a result, Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan, which is “See, Mother Nature caused more harm to the country than my economic policies.”

The National Hobo Convention ended on Sunday in Iowa.  Who pays for that convention?  There’s not a union is there?

One of the featured events at the Hobo Convention was the vast array of card board housing, with prices starting at a cheap bottle of wine.

The U. S. Postal Service reported a $5.2 billion loss last quarter.  Since that makes them the most profitably run government agency they will be mentoring  any future private companies that receive  a government bail-out.

With the Olympics ending, NBC can now get back to their old audience which was…no one.

Sears, after 19 straight quarters of declining revenues has come up with a spin-off plan.  I’m guessing they have former government executives on their Board of Directors because nothing shouts expansion like losing money for nearly five years straight.

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The late night comedians were in reruns this week but there were some jokes from the end of last week that were on after I posted last week.  Here they are:

Last night was the big annual congressional baseball game between the Democrats and Republicans, and the Democrats won 18-5. Of course the Democrats won. Did you see who the umpire was? Chief Justice John Roberts. –Jay Leno

The Obamacare ruling makes Roberts the firsBest Late Night Jokes of the Week – 07/06/12t Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

People will now have to have health insurance. The same way every driver in California has car insurance. –Jay Leno

The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started. –Jay Leno

Tyler Perry’s “Madea’s Witness Protection” opens today. He plays three parts in the movie, which is impressive and also economically very clever. –Craig Ferguson

A wiseguy named Jimmy the Weasel in the witness protection program kept committing crimes so they kicked him out of the program. Who could’ve predicted that you couldn’t trust a guy called “The Weasel.” –Craig Ferguson

When you join the witness protection program the government usually gives you a fake birth certificate, like they did for President Obama. –Craig Ferguson

A lot of times people in the witness protection program get plastic surgery. That’s why the Mafia spent so much time looking for Sammy “The Cat Lady” Ravanno. –Craig Ferguson

A United Airlines passenger has filed a complaint after a maintenance man dropped superglue on her head on a flight to Houston. I don’t know what’s scarier — that a passenger got superglue on her head, or that United fixes their airplanes with superglue. –Jimmy Fallon

This week Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, “Is this Hell?” –Jimmy Fallon

A group of protesters crashed a van into Microsoft’s headquarters in Athens. When they heard a van crashed, Microsoft was like, “We make vans?” –Jimmy Fallon

The NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It’s true — last time I got frisked, the cop was like, “Have you lost weight?” –Jimmy Fallon

If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life. –Jay Leno

CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it. –Jay Leno

According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they’d see there’s no jobs and they’d go home. –Jay Leno

According to a new report, marijuana is the most popular drug on earth. So better luck next year, bath salts that make you eat someone else’s face. –Conan O’Brien

A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, “Please do not lump us in with those maniacs.” –Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Chris Christie is under fire for calling a politician he doesn’t like an “S.O.B.” Meanwhile, Christie calls a politician he does like a “B.L.T.” –Conan O’Brien

Call me old-fashioned but what I love best about the Fourth of July is all of the flags. Of course, they’re all made in China but still it’s the sentiment. –David Letterman

The minute Madonna checks out of a hotel, her own security team comes in and scrubs the place clean, retrieving any samples of DNA left over. It’s all erased. So there’s no sign that Madonna was ever here. Wait a minute. Didn’t Lady Ga Ga already do that to her? –David Letterman

It’s a great day for President Obama. His healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. The president apparently had three speeches ready to go this morning. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld, and one if Joe Biden chewed up the other two. –Craig Ferguson

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN. –Craig Ferguson

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I’m frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes. –Craig Ferguson

It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling — while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face. –Jimmy Fallon

For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, “Thank God no one watches us.” –Jimmy Fallon

Pittsburgh Penguins star Jordan Staal was traded to the Carolina Hurricanes last weekend while he was getting married. Not good — you never want to find out on your wedding night that your husband’s playing for the other team. –Jimmy Fallon

Tonight we have director Oliver Stone on the show. At least that’s what the government wants you to believe. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

John Edwards and Reille Hunter announced that they have split up.  Edwards is very anxious to get into a new relationship so that he has someone to cheat on again.

President Obama and the First Lady hosted a picnic for members of Congress.   There’s a picnic where mosquitoes, cockroaches and ants would be a welcome diversion.

Researchers at Harvard University say that sharing on Facebook makes people feel as good as having sex.  It’s at least true of some forms of sex, because, like sex with a cheap hooker, you can blow a whole day there.

Last week one day Obama was in Atlanta for two fundraisers and then he went to Miami for two more fundraisers.  To him a presidential issue is “how much can I get from that guy?”

Joe Biden said last week that the country was in a depression.  He was just confused at the time.  He forgot if he was lying for the drug companies or the Obama administration.

The fine print on Obamacare is just coming out.  It only covers certain things depending on what part of the country you live in.  For example, it covers sunburn in Seattle, frostbite in Florida and heatstroke in Maine.

Obama was quiet on the healthcare ruling in his weekly address while the voice in his head kept saying, “Please, don’t let them realize Obamacare is a new tax.”

In Coralville, Iowa, police shut down three lemonade stands because the kids didn’t have the proper licenses and permits.  The Obama administration was very upset with the police because they had taken credit for creating three new jobs there.

One out of five toddlers in the US is now considered overweight.  It’s so bad that strollers now come with a built in “WIDE LOAD” sign.

The latest gossip is that Octomom has a new boyfriend.  It’s also rumored that he has daycare experience.

Anderson Cooper has admitted that he is gray.  Like we needed him to tell us that he had gray hair…uh, wait a minute, he said gay…never mind.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

Mitt Romney has a new fundraising gimmick. If you donate $3 or more to his campaign, your name will be entered into a drawing to win a dinner with Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. If you donate more than $10, you get to sit at a different table. –Jay Leno

A rare copy of Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation sold for $2.1 million at an auction house in New York City. As you know, the Emancipation Proclamation is the document that freed the vampires. –Jay Leno

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs. –Jay Leno

Regis will be back with Kathie Lee on the fourth hour of the “Today” show. You know how long Regis Philbin has been around? This guy used to hunt vampires with Abe Lincoln. -David Letterman

President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney’s business career by calling him an “outsourcer-in-chief.” Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India. –Jimmy Fallon

A family in Colorado was reunited with their lost bulldog, after it was found 500 miles away. In response, the bulldog was like, “Jeez, can’t these people take a hint?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that pigeons can actually recognize human faces. So I guess my pigeon friend was just blowing me off the other day in Starbucks. –Jimmy Fallon

Ford has a new technology to help keep a car in its lane on the highway. They say it works great — until you want to exit the highway. –Jimmy Fallon

Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free. –Jay Leno

Former President Jimmy Carter has criticized the U.S. for using drones to kill terrorists. A lot of people agree with Carter. They’re all terrorists, but they agree with Carter. –Jay Leno

Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That’s scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can’t work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us? –Jay Leno

A new study says it is OK for woman to drink during pregnancy. Well, why not? Most of them were drunk when they got pregnant in the first place. –Jay Leno

The latest rumor is that Mitt Romney’s running mate will be a white male from Ohio. Or as Romney refers to him, “a person of color.” -Conan O’Brien

Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao. -Conan O’Brien

For the first time ever, Saudi Arabia is going to allow women to compete in the Summer Olympics. The rumor is that Saudi women are excellent runners — because they’re not allowed to drive. -Conan O’Brien

In July some McDonald’s workers will debut their new uniforms inspired by the TV show “Mad Men.” Also inspired by the 1960s: their wages. -Conan O’Brien

The subways here in New York City now have Wi-Fi. I love it because now in the morning on my way to work I can check my e-hate mail. -David Letterman

Did you know the “Today” show is four hours long? It’s like a telethon. -David Letterman

Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the “Today” show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it’s constitutional. -David Letterman

Egypt has a new president — Mohammed Morsi. How many of you attended the Mohammed Morsi fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house? -David Letterman

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts. –Craig Ferguson

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things — a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan. –Craig Ferguson

A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, “But until we find that guy, I’m still your best choice.” –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, a man in Tennessee was kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert because he looked too much like Kenny Chesney. That actually happens a lot — in fact, my grandma was kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler. –Jimmy Fallon

Rapper 50 Cent is doing fine after he was involved in a car accident last night. There was a lot of damage, but fortunately his insurance covers him up to like, 75 cent. –Jimmy Fallon

Jerry Sandusky was found guilty on 45 counts. Penn State did not release a statement on the Sandusky verdict. As usual they’re going to wait 10 years before they say anything. –Jay Leno

Experts say Sandusky is headed for a special circle of hell in the prison system. See, you never hear about the good things the prison system does. –Jay Leno

Gas prices are expected to drop to around $3 a gallon by this fall. The price drop is the result of a complicated system. It’s called the election. –Jay Leno

A group of gay Republicans called GOProud has endorsed Mitt Romney. There was some confusion. When they heard Romney had a reputation for going either way, they didn’t know that meant flip-flopping. –Jay Leno

Anybody go to the big gay pride parade over the weekend? I like the gay pride parade. Everybody dresses up. Where else can you see a 300-pound guy in a cocktail dress? -David Letterman

This weekend is the swim around Manhattan Island. You go to the Hudson, up the East River, and then back down the Hudson, 28 miles around Manhattan. The winner gets a trophy and hepatitis. -David Letterman

Political candidates have to be very inventive when it comes to fund-raising because there are federal laws. So Mitt Romney had a thing where if you would give him $50,000 you could spend the weekend with him. And for an extra $5,000 he will let you touch his hair. -David Letterman

Republicans are now talking about President Obama, saying he’s not much of a president. They’re also saying he is a lousy vampire hunter. -David Letterman

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I’ve got to change stuff. Then I’m not doing it. –Craig Ferguson

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election. –Craig Ferguson

President Obama would be affected too. Because if there’s no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born? –Craig Ferguson

I think if any state has a chance to come up with a technological solution to rising sea levels, it’s California. In Hollywood, we’re going to do our part by making a crappy reality show about it. –Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney held a retreat for his donors, which included dancing. At one point, people started doing “The Robot” — or as Romney calls that, “The Me.” –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney’s weekend retreat also included a buffet dinner. Which explains why Governor Chris Christie’s invitation got “lost in the mail.” –Jimmy Fallon

Two female sprinters may have to do a coin toss after they tied in an Olympic qualifying event. The coin toss will last just a second, while NBC’s coverage of it will last about a day and a half. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Tampa is the vainest city in the U.S. In fact, they’re so vain they probably think this joke is about them. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O ‘Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for. –Jay Leno

TV icon Betty White visited President Obama in the Oval Office this week. The last time Betty visited the White House, it was still under construction. –Jay Leno

China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn’t want to go. –Jay Leno

According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What’s next, boxing? –Jay Leno

President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival. –Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs fired their hitting coach. Isn’t that incredible? The Cubs had a hitting coach. –Conan O’Brien

Things have changed a lot since the last time I was in this town. Today Oprah asked me if I could spot her $20 until the weekend. –Conan O’Brien

Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House she was stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom — with Lincoln.

President Obama is going to a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house. It will be a formal, sit-down dinner for 200 in her shoe closet. –David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan was driving her Porsche and she crashes. And they think maybe she had an open container of alcoholic beverage in the car. Considering her record, this could mean up to a half an hour in prison. –David Letterman

Lindsay’s assistant apparently was with her at the time of the crash, and he was arrested for DWI: driving with an idiot. –David Letterman

Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show “Dallas” with Larry Hagman. He was the original J.R. I used to watch him on “I Dream of Jeannie.” He was an astronaut with a gorgeous genie in a skimpy outfit. She’d say, “Oh master, your wish is my command,” and he’d say, “Just don’t do magic.” Even as a kid, I’m thinking, “She will do anything you want. You’re an astronaut. Get her to launch a rocket or something.” -Craig Ferguson

The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over. -Craig Ferguson

“Dallas” ran for 14 seasons right here on CBS. That’s a little too long. In my experience, you start phoning it in on CBS after about year two. This is my eighth season. -Craig Ferguson

Last night, Game 1 of the NBA finals had its highest rating in 10 years. Even LeBron James’ hairline was like, “Wow, that’s high.” -Jimmy Fallon

LeBron James revealed that he just finished reading all three books in “The Hunger Games” trilogy. The bad news is he did it last night during the fourth quarter. -Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Snooki, Pauly D, and The Situation will each make $5 million for this season’s “Jersey Shore.” It just goes to show that if you put your mind to something and work hard, you’re wasting your time. -Jimmy Fallon

The L.A. Kings are the Stanley Cup champions. First time in their 45-year history. And it’s ironic — the Devils lost in the City of Angels. –Jay Leno

Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter. –Jay Leno

A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics. –Jay Leno

Guantanamo Bay is now undergoing millions of dollars worth of renovations, including a new soccer field, cable TV, and better housing. Which is kind of ironic. The only people who say they’re better off today than they were four years ago are the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. –Jay Leno

Chicago has changed a lot since the last time we were here. I’m having a hard time calling the Sears Tower the Willis Tower. It just feels wrong. It’s like calling the Olive Garden an Italian restaurant. –Conan O’Brien

The world’s largest and best-preserved Tyrannosaurus Rex resides at Chicago’s Field Museum. The T-Rex is so old it was found wearing a Cubs World Series ring. –Conan O’Brien

Two great things happened for Los Angeles last night. The Kings won their first-ever Stanley Cup and Los Angeles discovered they have a hockey team. –Conan O’Brien

Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat. –David Letterman

Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden. -Craig Ferguson

The Los Angeles Kings are Stanley cup champions! That’s right, Canadians. You may not get the Stanley Cup, but you get the New Jersey equivalent. The Snooki Cup. You can still fill it up with booze and pass it around to all your friends. -Craig Ferguson

The Kings have been around 45 years. This is the first time they’ve won the Stanley Cup. There was a bit of a scandal after the game though. Some of the players tested positive for having their own teeth. -Craig Ferguson

People here are very excited about the Kings. You can’t tell because of all the Botox, but they are very excited. -Craig Ferguson

Father’s Day is Sunday. Father’s Day is the day we congratulate dad by getting mom drunk on wine coolers and getting him a bottle of cologne he doesn’t wear. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2. -Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, “That never would have happened if I were the nominee.” -Jimmy Fallon

Lindsay Lohan is OK after she totaled her rented Porsche. People who witnessed the accident were stunned. They couldn’t believe Lindsay Lohan still has a driver’s license. –Jay Leno

Authorities said today they’ve ordered a psychiatric evaluation. Not for Lindsay — for the idiot who rented her a Porsche. –Jay Leno

Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, “Why didn’t I think of that? I had a seizure.” –Jay Leno

A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House. –Jay Leno

It’s great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he’s found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state’s governor. –Conan O’Brien

The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he’s gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that Kanye West is getting ready to propose to Kim Kardashian. Today Kanye said, “I can’t wait to marry Kim and get started making the worst family on earth.” –Conan O’Brien

British Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted he accidentally left his 8-year-old daughter in a pub. Cameron was immediately named an honorary citizen of Chicago. –Conan O’Brien

I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it. -Craig Ferguson

With new technology, the patient can see what the doctors see. Ever looked at your colon on a monitor? My colon is better lit than my show. -Craig Ferguson

A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, “Hey, that’s MY thing!” -Jimmy Fallon

At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians. -Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some jokes by Stephen Colbert, they are older jokes, but still funny:

“I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.” –Stephen Colbert, delivering the commencement address at Knox College

“Al Gore has a hit movie called ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’ I have an inconvenient truth for him: you’re still not the president. … This past weekend, Al Gore’s movie, ‘An Inconvenient Truth,’ earned more per screen than any film in the country. … I dare say Gore’s movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. … Global warming: Can we live with it? … It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. … For instance, when sea levels rise, we’ll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]” –Stephen Colbert

“To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.” –Stephen Colbert, roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

“I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.” –Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

“When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday — no matter what happened Tuesday.” –Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.” –Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

“TV’s Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? … Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who’ve never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O’Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I’ll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man’s done nothing to control the bear population.” –Stephen Colbert

“We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They’re being defensive because they weren’t able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that’s fine. They just shouldn’t voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']” –Stephen Colbert

“I’m going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. … He’s doing it right folks — going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation.” –Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

“It’s time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you’ve just won a pair of Stephen Colbert’s big brass balls.” –Stephen Colbert

“So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']” –Stephen Colbert

“A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They’re seeking $100 billion. Here’s the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp.” –Stephen Colbert

“President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he’s made recently. Obviously he’s not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn’t care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he’s done for their burning effigy industry.” –Stephen Colbert

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

In Modesto, California, a 65 year-old grandfather was arrested for, allegedly, robbing a hardware store with his 2 year-old grandson in his arms.  He told police that kids are never too young to learn a profession.

San Francisco named a street after Nancy Pelosi.  In her honor, all the street signs are made of plastic.

A pair of underpants that once belonged to Queen Elizabeth was sold on eBay for $118,000.  The winning bidder was not identified but his user name was “one sick bastard.”

The DEA announced that three of its agents are under investigation for, allegedly, hiring prostitutes in Columbia. This is on top of the Secret Service scandal of hiring Columbian prostitutes.  My question is why does the Obama administration keep outsourcing this work when there are perfectly good prostitutes in the United States?

Facebook stock is losing so much money since their IPO that Mark Zuckerberg is going to have to sell off some of his Farmville land just to make ends meet.

The stock is doing so bad they are thinking of changing their name from Facebook to MySpace.

The man who invented the TV remote control died at 96 years-old.  His power button no longer works.

A customer at an Arby’s was served a sandwich with a piece of human finger in it.  When the customer complained to the manager he shrugged and said, “At least it wasn’t the middle finger.”

According to a study of the oratory level of Congress, they are at a 10^th grade level.  Congresses official response was, “What stupid doo-doo head came up with that?”

Yesterday for Memorial Day, President Obama said that we all love our country and as president he will never send troops to war unless it’s absolutely necessary.  He was able to say it with a straight face too, because Kenya is his country and he has no power to send their troops into war.

Justin Beiber is wanted for questioning for battery of a paparazzi.  Unless it was a girl in a wheelchair, I say Justin is innocent.

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