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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs.  Appropriately, the code name they had for the plan was “Goofy.”

According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese.  So, if California ever does fall into the ocean we’ll know why.

Wikipedia was voluntarily down for a day last week in protest of proposed laws for anti-piracy.  So, for that day you had to go to another source if you wanted misinformation about a topic.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage.  I don’t think that’s different than most politicians.  He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.

A human head was found near the famous Hollywood sign in Hollywood hills.  Parts of the brain were missing so police were pretty certain that it was a local resident rather than a tourist.

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Last week a woman took her 5 year-old son along with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she had no money for a baby sitter and that’s why she was robbing the bank.

Newt Gingrich overheard a newsman reporting about the election saying, “The stakes were very high.”  Newt’s reaction was, “Steaks?  I’ll have three, well done.”

Chris Christie had harsh words about Newt Gingrich’s past record.  One reporter called it putting a knife into Newt’s back.  Naturally, Christie would have saved the fork for himself because he was going to lunch right afterword – hey, fat guys gotta eat.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.” –Craig Ferguson

“In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don’t do well because this is the night when many of them realize, ‘I served all those people pancakes for nothing.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich thinks he’s the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd. He has the all-important ’snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors’ demographic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I came up with a great slogan for Romney. “It’s time to Mitt or get off the pot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“In Saturday night’s Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was ‘ready to rock and roll.’ Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to ‘easy listen.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he’d better call a doctor.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he’s a regular Justin Bieber.” –David Letterman

“During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the ‘pious baloney.’ Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, ‘Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, ‘It was a pretty sick pass.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ they did.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.” –Jay Leno

“During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.” –Conan O’Brien

“The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is ‘Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States. –Jay Leno

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, “Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ” He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. . –Jay Leno

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again. . –Jay Leno

They’re considering legislation to make it easier for same-sex couples who get married in the nation’s capital to get divorced. Lawmakers say gay couples should be awarded the same rights as a Kardashian. . –Jay Leno

The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians. –Craig Ferguson

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled “The Best President.” Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen. -Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year. –Jimmy Fallon

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting, then you must work for MySpace. –Jimmy Fallon

Wal-Mart is now offering free tax advice at more than 3,000 of its stores. Finally answering the question, “Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shotgun all in one convenient location?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

PETA released an ad for Thanksgiving targeting kids saying, “If you wouldn’t eat a dog, why eat a turkey?”  All the kids from Korean and Vietnamese families in the United States are like, “What’s the problem?”

The Post Office lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

President Obama is trying to get Bill Clinton to openly back him but Herman Cain is the most likely candidate to appeal to Clinton.

There was a video going around the Internet last week showing Obama as a college student doing a segment for Black History Week.  Even back then you could see how good he was with a teleprompter.

Rick Perry has accused Obama of thinking he’s the smartest guy in the room.  I don’t know about that but you certainly can’t argue with the fact that he is really good at reading out loud.

Rick Perry has also challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate.  If he can’t beat her at that he has a backup plan.  He’s going to challenge her to a facial expression contest.

Last week the Occupy Wall Street protesters occupied the New York City subways…because that’s where they thought they would find all the millionaires?

If the NBA strike continues it could start to become disastrous to many of the players when their next child support payments come due.

A man was arrested last week for shooting at the White House.  When asked why he did it he said, “Ah, it was worth a shot.”

Congress approval is at an all-time low and people are saying it can’t go any lower.  Congress is taking this as a challenge and they are putting their Supercommittee to work on the job.

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Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

”Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That’s right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it’s already been slapped 12 times.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

”After Joe Wilson’s outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. … But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson’s behavior. This is Joe Biden we’re talking about. Joe Biden saying it’s embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you’ve had too much to drink.” —Craig Ferguson

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama’s face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.” —Seth Meyers

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

”President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” —Conan O’Brien

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. … I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Lady Gaga is going to have a Thanksgiving special this year.  In honor of the holiday she’ll perform in a turkey meat dress.

According to the Department of Homeland Security, Al-Qaeda may be targeting our food supply with deadly chemicals.  Sorry Al-Qaeda, Kraft, Heinz, Nabisco, Campbell’s and a few others already beat you to it.

One of Herman Cain’s accusers said he made inappropriate advances and tried to reach up her skirt.  Obviously, he was not a politician back then or he would have not only succeeded in reaching up her skirt but would have successful in getting her to have sex with him.

Cain is being attacked for inappropriate behavior.  Nobody’s talking about Obama’s inappropriate behavior, such as Obamacare, where he didn’t just try but has succeeded in screwing the whole country.

Two gay penguins in a Toronto zoo are being separated and they are trying to pair them up with female penguins.  As part of the process neither penguin will be allowed to see any more episodes of the TV show Glee.

There is a Congressional Supercommitee in charge of finding at least $1.2 trillion in deficit reduction.  They are at an impasse.  There must be a definition of “super” that only Congress knows because from what I know of the word you could never apply it to anything to do with Congress.

Rick Perry has been accused of having brain freeze, which is likely a side effect of his cold heart when he approves executions.

In Georgia at a Taco Bell a deer jumped through the window.  Afterward, a Taco Bell spokesman gloated, “Now let’s hear people say there’s no meat in Taco Bell.”

Last week was International Fraud Awareness week.  So, technically, the entire government should have shut down, but being aware that they were fraudulent they decided to stay open.

Apple is working on 3-D technology that can be seen without glasses.  Someone should tell them that Mother Nature beat them to it with the invention of the eyeball.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien and David Letterman:

“As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for.” –Jay Leno

“At the press conference earlier tonight, Herman Cain said he doesn’t remember the woman, he doesn’t recognize her name or her face…her ass he kind of remembers…” –Jay Leno

“Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, ‘It ain’t gonna happen!’ That’s what he said. Ironically, that’s what women say to him when he’d put his hand up their skirt.” –Jay Leno

“If the Earth was visited by aliens, this would be a huge problem for the Republican Party. Michele Bachmann would want to deport them, Rick Perry would want to execute them, Mitt Romney would be undecided about what to do, and Herman Cain would try to take them up to his room.” –Jay Leno

“Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he’s not even voting for himself.” –Jay Leno

“The stock market plunged over 389 points because of financial news in Italy. They’re calling this the worst Italian disaster since Olive Garden introduced that fettuccini alfredo.” –Jay Leno

“After losing a lawsuit with the TSA, former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says he’s going to renounce his U.S. citizenship and move to Mexico. Hey, if he changes his mind, he can always sneak back in.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican presidential candidates held a debate in Michigan. Just what Michigan needs: 12 more people looking for a job.” –Conan O’Brien

“It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park.” –David Letterman

“Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He’ll be gone in a week.” –David Letterman

“There’s another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he’s getting attacked for it all of a sudden.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct.” –Jimmy Kimmel

‎”The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain — like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt.” –Stephen Colbert

“There’s a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I’m sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman’s wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s Tuesday. That means another woman has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they are uncomfortable with the idea of having a Mormon president. When asked why, the people said, ‘We’re still getting used to having a Muslim president.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Herman Cain said he would be willing to take a lie detector test. But that’s kind of a double-edged sword. If he fails, his career is over. And if he passes and it turns out he’s not a liar, he’s obviously not cut out for politics.” –Jay Leno

“A new poll taken abroad found that President Obama’s policies are more popular overseas than they are here in America. That’s because he’s created more jobs overseas than here in America.” –Jay Leno

“The White House says there is no evidence at all that earth has been visited by aliens. Do you believe that? We can’t even find aliens sneaking across the border.” –Jay Leno

Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they’ve had them since the 60’s. I don’t think he’s that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box.” –Jay Leno

“Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He’s leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party.” –Jay Leno

‘The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee.” –Jay Leno

“Conrad Murray was found guilty of giving Michael Jackson an overdose of a prescription sleeping aid. Pretty reckless on the part of the doctor. They said the sedative he prescribed was five times more powerful than a Joe Biden speech.” –Jay Leno

“You’re here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser.” –David Letterman

“Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That’s got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free.” –Craig Ferguson

“The latest castoff from ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I’m sorry. That’s a joke from next year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A fourth woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment dating back to the late ’90s. Her name is Sharon Bialek and her lawyer is Gloria Allred. I think Gloria Allred has a press podium in her living room for instances just like this.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We’ll see what Herman has to say about this in 30 minutes or less or we’ll give you your money back.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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I hate to do this to the Three Stooges, who are actually respected in their field, that being slap-stick comedy, but I’m going to have to compare the Obama administration’s handling of the economy to the Three Stooges.  My apologies to the original Stooges because I’m sure they would do a better job of handling the economy than the current stooges are doing.

President Obama would be Moe, Timothy Geithner would be Larry and I’ve anointed Bernanke as Curly just because he is bald and I can imagine him lying on the floor running in a circle yelling, “Moe, Larry, cheese.  Moe, Larry, cheese,” every time he has an uncontrollable urge for cheese.  (Or in this case the cheese would be a stimulus.)  Of course, Joe Biden would be Shemp because he just never fit in and no one really ever liked that guy.

I can just hear one of the meetings with the three of them in the Oval Office:

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads, what do you think about another one of those Quantitative Easings?

Geithner (as Larry):  I don’t know, this is the 20^th one, they don’t seem to be working anymore.

Obama (as Moe) to Bernanke (as Curly): What do you think? Should we do it?

Bernanke (as Curly):  Why Soitenly!  Ynuk, ynuk, ynuk.

Then after it fails again for the 20^th time Obama and Geithner are in the Oval Office putting the blame on Bernanke by Geithner pulling on Bernanke’s ear with a wrench, while Obama is lifting Bernanke by the nose with a crow bar.

It’s something to marvel at that Moe, who was always so angry, would still probably pull better poll marks that Obama does today.  And that is because if Moe were here now and he saw what Obama was doing he’d call him a knucklehead and give him a double poke in the eyes and everybody would probably cheer for him.

Moe did always have a habit of acting tough but when there was any real danger he would run away with the other Stooges which is why Obama is the perfect modern day Moe.  What he was essentially saying to Congress about the debt ceiling and raising taxes was, “Why I oughta…”  And then when things got tough he and the other stooges turned and ran away as they were heard to say, “yneh, yneh, yneh…”

Here is another scenario from the Oval Office Back from when the major banks were about to go bankrupt:

Obama (as Moe):  What are we going to do now?

Geithner (as Larry):  It’s just too big to fail.

Obama (as Moe):  We’re not talking about your head, you know.

Bernanke (as Curly):  I think he’s right.  We should drop money from helicopters if we have to. (Steve’s note:  Sadly, that really does sound like something the Three Stooges would say rather than the guy in charge of the Fed, but he actually did say those words.)

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads better be right or you’re in big trouble.

Months later, after their bailout failed miserably, there is a lot of eye gouging and hitting in the head… you can imagine that scene if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges.

Obama, Geithner and Bernanke are constantly telling us they have the answers to fix the economy and each time it gets worse.  Bernanke claims to be an expert and a student of the Depression but if the three of them became more expert on the Three Stooges instead, our economy would probably be in a lot better shape right now.  Luckily, everybody already ignores Shemp (Biden) anyway.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel:

“The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can’t be that bad.” –Conan O’Brien

“In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe’s leader, Dances to Gaga.” –Conan O’Brien

“Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, ‘Because of that comment I’m going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.’” –Conan O’Brien

“It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age ceiling…so he will be 50.” –Jay Leno

“To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I’ll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign.” –Jay Leno

“After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, “It’s time for jobs to move to the front burner?” Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they’re about to lose theirs jobs.” –Jay Leno

“Here’s an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We’re broke!” –Jay Leno

“July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it’s not the heat that gets you; it’s the stupidity.” –Jay Leno

“A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name ‘District of Columbia.’” –Jay Leno

“That’s what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted.” –Jay Leno

“They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we’re $16 trillion in debt. That’s not ‘economic disaster?’” –David Letterman

“Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I’ll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria’s Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. ‘Why don’t you slip into something a little more con carni?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, ‘You know what, I’ll just take the groping.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?” –Jay Leno

“It’s what they call a ‘two-step’ deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can,’ to ‘Yes we cave.’” –Jay Leno

“Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.” –David Letterman

“The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another ‘Smurfs’ movie before 2014.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card.” –Conan O’Brien

“Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That’s how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money.” –Conan O’Brien

“We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a ’sugar-coated Satan sandwich.’ Or as Americans put it, ‘Sugar-coated? Yum – I’ll take six, please!” –Jimmy Fallon

“McDonald’s is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It’s nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, ‘Cool! I made this.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, ‘Does she have a daughter?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

They say 50 is the new 30 — not in age, in money: $50 is now worth about $30. –Jay Leno

President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn’t really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that’ll be president Bieber’s problem. –Jay Leno

The Cheesecake Factory is now offering a new low calorie “skinnylicious” menu. That’s what they call it, “skinnylicious.” As opposed to their old menu, which was “fatastic.” –Jay Leno

A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term. –Conan O’Brien

The woman who attempted to rob Alex Trebek’s hotel room may face 25 years in prison. Even worse, while she’s waiting for the judge’s decision, they’ll make her listen to the music from “Jeopardy.” –Conan O’Brien

The Garmin company is offering a new GPS device that has the voice of Yoda. Maybe it’s just me but if I’m getting turn-by-turn directions, do I really want to hear them from someone that speaks backwards? –Conan O’Brien

While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming. –Jimmy Fallon

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that swearing doesn’t make you feel better, but you know who disagrees with that? Anyone that has ever stubbed their toe. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on the current events of the last week:

The Roger Clemens trial started.  He was hoping to draft some of the jurors from the Casey Anthony case for his trial.

Roger Clemens is being charged with lying to Congress about taking steroids.  It turns out you’re actually only allowed to lie to Congress if you’re a congressman.

Last week a woman was accused of stealing $110,000 worth of bull semen.  She stole it either because she thought she’d also get the appendage which it came from or she has some very lonely cows at home.

CNN cancelled Elliot Spitzer’s show.  Who knew there was still an Elliot Spitzer show?

Roseanne is going to have a new show on Lifetime.  It’s called Roseanne’s Nuts.  I didn’t even realize she was a transvestite.

If the government is shut down there will be 800,000 non-essential employees out of work.  I guess that means the President, Vice-President, Congress and about 799,500 others will be on the sideline.

The good news is that if the government is shut down you will still be able to be groped by the TSA if you fly somewhere.

The unemployment rate went to 9.2% nationwide or as President Obama would say “the sky is not falling.”  But he does give us hope that we will have change in 2012.

A federal appeals court ruled that the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military is illegal.  This was a major win for gays.  It also opened the door for military recruiters to start buying advertising time on the TV show “Glee.”

Bill Clinton says Americans need to be more innovative.  That could mean many things to many people.  For him I’m guessing he has seen the likes of John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger get their mistresses pregnant so they need to be more innovative with their birth control.

Herman Cain, Republican candidate for President, has some good ideas except that he thinks we should keep the Fed because he says, “What are we going to replace it with?”  My answer to that argument is that if my dog takes a crap in the back yard and I clean it up I don’t need to have it replaced.

Lady Gaga may have an eating disorder.  You had to suspect she had some confusion about food ever since she wore that meat dress.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

1)      NBC has apologized for editing out the words “under God” from its coverage of the US Open.  Ironically, their execs continue to pray daily for better ratings.

2)      Al-Qaeda is running out of money so they had to cut down on their reward in the afterlife from 72 virgins to 3 old whores and 1 transvestite virgin.

3)      At Wimbledon, the CEO of the tennis club was complaining about players grunting as they hit the ball, especially the women.  Leave it to the conservative English to complain about a woman grunting.  For American men, the louder they grunt the more we like it…Oh wait, are we still talking about tennis?

4)      Obama has announced that the troops in Afghanistan will be coming home by September 2012.  OMG, what a coincidence, that comes right before the election!  (This would be much more in the rant category than the joke category, but it had to be said.)

5)      Republicans walked out on the Joe Biden-led budget talks where Democrats demanded a tax hike.  No one knows if they walked out because they just disagreed or if it was because Joe Biden was talking.  It didn’t matter, Biden kept talking anyway.

6)      Bristol Palin’s memoir is out.  Levi Johnston has said, “I wouldn’t read it even if I could.”

7)      Prince Harry is saying that he is 100% single.  That’s the same thing Anthony Weiner was saying when he would sext his photos.  But he was pretending it was his penis talking, kind of bragging, like to say there was only one of them in there.

8)      Florence Henderson, aka Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch, says she got crabs after a one-night-stand with former NYC mayor, John Lindsay, a career politician.  Ah yes, it makes you yearn for the good old days.  Back then she got screwed by a politician and all she got was crabs.  Nowadays, everyone gets screwed by politicians, and it’s not even consensual sex, and we end up with something like Obamacare.

9)      Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers wants to change his name to World Peace.  I can just see it next year with the Lakers in the playoffs and the ref calls a technical for an excessive foul by World Peace.

10)    Last week President Obama and Justin Beiber were in NYC at the same time.  Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign and Beiber was there launching a new fragrance.  Some people were saying there was a foul stench from both of their activities.

darnfunnyonline.com