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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Rick Santorum is so anti-gay that his secret service code name is “say no to TSA groping.”

A 55 year-old grandmother wants to try out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.  If she makes it her job will be to say to the other cheerleaders, “Don’t you think that outfit is a little too revealing?”

President Obama told a crowd of auto workers that in 5 years when he is no longer president that he is going to buy a Chevy Volt.  There was no hint on what he might be driving in the prior 4 years  when he’s not president.

Bristol Palin is getting her own reality show.  It’s being called “Who’s More Annoying, Me or My Mom?”

Snooki is pregnant.  She’s had so much alcohol in her life that if she breast feeds the baby the child will be able to follow in her mother’s alcoholic footsteps at a very early age.

The approval rating for Congress continues to be at 10%.  O.J. Simpson is more popular than Congress.  But at least O.J. was good at something.  Football, that is.  I didn’t mean he was good at getting away with murder because Congress does that all the time too.

March is National Ethics Awareness Month.  Surprisingly, Congress is still open during that time period.  I assume that is because they have no awareness of ethics.

I saw a headline that said “Obama Granted $2.6 Billion to Four Wind Energy Firms.”  I wondered if that was code for having granted the money to political PACS because nowhere is there more hot air produced than by politicians.

Paula Deen has been accused of condoning sexual harassment and racist remarks.  She figured a lot of the food she was pushing on others was so sweet that she didn’t have to be.

A Sri Lankan man died while trying to set the record for being buried alive.  Now, no one knows if he set the record and he’s not around to celebrate if he did.

I saw another headline that said “Chupacabras With Wings and Fangs Blamed for Sheep Deaths.”  I don’t know what chupacabras are, but it sounds like a menu item at Taco Bell and it that’s the case they could be responsible for deaths all over the U.S.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

After the debt deal got done in Congress, the Democrats also wanted to strike another deal, while the mood was right, to let them start using the Republican’s bathroom.

In Louisiana, a drunk father was arrested for allegedly letting his 8 year-old son drive his pick-up truck on the Interstate while he slept.  He defended his action by saying, “What’s the big deal?  When I was his age I’d drive my daddy’s truck while having sex with my cousin.”

After the debt deal last week the only thing dropping faster than the stock market was Obama’s approval rating.

A Dunkin Donuts employee in New Jersey was arrested for prostitution.  It was all the result of a misunderstanding.  When her manager told her to go out there and sell some donut holes she just never heard the donut part.

Facebook is always changing and expanding so fast that some people just can’t keep up.  I’m afraid people are going to get confused and start poking their Farmville animals.

82% of those polled disapprove of Congress, a record low.  This means there are probably family, friends, and even the people who are bribing them that don’t approve of them.

President Obama has asked Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, to stay on board.  He figures with the advice he’s gotten from that guy he deserves to go down with the ship.

Geithner still wanted to leave, though, to work in the private sector.  Then he realized there were no jobs in the private sector.

The Treasury Secretary has accused Standard & Poors of making a grave error in downgrading the US credit rating.  He said their math was off by $2 trillion in estimating the size of the deficit over the next 10 years.  Apparently, Standard & Poors doesn’t use the same “bailout math” that the Treasury Department is used to.

After Standard &  Poors’ decision to downgrade the US credit rating President Obama said that the US will always be a AAA nation.  The Automobile Association was very grateful for the endorsement.

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With the advent of Weinergate (I was going to say “coming” but we’re talking about politicians so that could have more than one meaning, so I used advent.) you kind of wonder if there are any politicians that are not crooks, pervert, psychos or all of the above…On second thought you may not be wondering at all. You are pretty sure that is the case.

But to be fair, I’ll use the old lawyer joke regarding politicians: It’s the 99% that make the other 1% look bad.  So there must be some good ones somewhere.  You just have to look really, really, really, really hard.  But when you think about it the vast majority of politicians started out as attorneys so it really does all make sense.

I think I have more faith in the Nigerian businessman’s letters that I get in my e-mail box on a daily basis, than I do in politicians.  They are certainly more trustworthy.  At least you know they are trying to cheat you right up front…I’m talking about the Nigerian businessman now, not the politician, in case there was any doubt.

The current moral of politicians has lead us to campaign slogans that would pervert JFK’s famous quote to “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what I can do for you if you make a ridiculously high campaign donation.”

It’s quite possible that being crazy is one of the qualifications to becoming a politician. For example, Obama was totally qualified with ideas such as Obamacare, spending money to get out of debt, and rewarding banks with bailouts after they helped screw up the economy.  If those things don’t qualify someone as crazy nothing will.

I can imagine what it would have been like if Obama had gone into the Lincoln Room of the White House to get advice from the ghost of Honest Abe:

Abe: You’re going to do what???  Are you kidding me?

(I could stop there and it would be a believable conversation, but we’ll carry on.)

Obama:  I don’t think I’m really known for my sense of humor except for that time I roasted Donald Trump about that whole birth certificate thing….Snap, Donald!

Abe:  By the way, was that birth certificate legit?

Obama:  Think about it Abe. I’m the president, if I can get money printed on request, I can certainly get a birth certificate printed whenever I want to.

Abe:  Another thing, when I was president I was a nice relaxed speaker and I was famous for my eloquent speaking style.  I gotta tell you you’re a little stiff, like you have a tree limb stuck up your ass. And lose the teleprompter.  I can only assume you came up with stupid ideas like Obamacare when somebody asked you a question and you didn’t have a scripted answer already prepared.

Obama:  Yeah, I’m still trying to think of some way to blame Obamacare on Bush, but I haven’t come up with anything yet.

Abe:  How about blaming it on Hillary?

Obama:  Good idea.

Abe:  Okay, Barack, by the way, again, that name really does sound South African, seriously.  You can see why there would be doubters.  Anyway, the best advice I can come up with is start to do the opposite of what you are inclined to do.  If you think yes, do no. If you think do this, do that instead.  You get the idea.  With the policies you come up with it’s like you put all the possible bad ideas in the world into a hat and whichever ones you draw from the hat you use.

Obama:   (Long pause) So, you’re saying that would be wrong then?

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(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That”  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are more of the some of the best jokes about Obama from the late night comedians over the last year or more:

“President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.” –Conan O’Brien

“I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president’s fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer.” –Jay Leno

“The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show ‘Lie to Me’ instead. Fox is something — they killed President David Palmer off on ‘24,’ they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, ‘You guys first.’” –Seth Meyers

“So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he’s there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO’s of BMW and Volkswagen.” –David Letterman

(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That”  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some of the  best jokes about President Obama from the late night comedians covering the last year or more:

“President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha’s basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.” —Conan O’Brien

“It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

“President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls ‘backyard chats.’ He’s held these in real people’s backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.” –Jay Leno

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” —Jay Leno

“Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, ‘We really should change the curtains.’” —Craig Ferguson

“At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, ‘You’re a hottie with a smokin’ little body.’ She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control.” —Jay Leno

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“This is kind of crazy. I don’t know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” -Jay Leno

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

As if the government we have isn’t enough of a joke President Hu of China is visiting.   If that is not an Abbott and Costello routine waiting to happen I don’t know what is.  I’ll refrain, or at least try to.

Of course the Obama administration has all kind of grandiose plans to look good while he is here (or should I say while Hu is here…Who?), none of which will likely transpire, except for the appropriate ass kissing since China basically holds the mortgage on the US government.  Governments, in general, sort of live by the code of the Billy Crystal’s “Fernando” character from Saturday Night Live, (for those of us old enough to remember) “It’s more important to look good than to feel good.”  Or in the case of the government it would be “It’s more important to look good than to be effective.”

So, the morning of Hu’s visit I’m sure the conversation between Barack Obama and Michelle Obama went something like this:

Michelle:  I forget who is coming today?

Barack:  That’s right, Hu. But what did you forget?

Michelle:  (confused and shaking her head)  What?

Barack:  No, there is no what, just Hu.

Michelle:  Huh?

Barack:  (laughs) Yeah, wouldn’t that be funny if his assistant was named Huh.

Michelle: (still confused) Whatever…Why are you putting lipstick on?

Barack:  Somebody has to kiss Hu’s ass and I couldn’t get Hillary to do it.

Michelle:  Wait, you’re kissing who’s ass?

Barack:  That’s right.

And it could have gone on like that for hours if Joe Biden had not walked in and said something stupid and prefaced it with the “F” word, forcing them to stifle a laugh until he left.  By that time they forgot all about the Hu/who conversation.

Okay, I said I wouldn’t do any of those “Hu” jokes.  But I guess I have about the same restraint as a democrat seeing something moving and trying not to tax it.

We’ll move on now to more idiocy from the government.  Since Obamacare is back in the news  and I said the word, idiocy, I’m sure that’s what popped into most people’s minds.  Republicans want to repeal it and Democrats want to keep it.  Keeping it falls under the category again of “looking good” rather than being effective.  It would be like promoting everyone getting a swine flu shot to handle the epidemic when there is no epidemic, just so they can say they did something.  Oh, wait a minute, bad example.  They actually did do that last year.

Keeping Obamacare, instead of just tearing it out from the roots would be like Donald Trump just trying to try comb his hair differently.  It’s not going to work.  There’s just too much insanity.  The only hope for The Donald would be to shave his head, just like the only hope for Obamacare is to yank it out by the roots and start over.

Anyway, the visit from Hu will be in the news for the next few days and the Obama administration will tells us what great strides they made with China.  The public will probably be wondering who really made great strides.  And the government will be thinking to itself, “That’s right, Hu made great strides.”

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Here are the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn’t we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don’t have hills?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Do you believe those numbers all across the country? Five in Iowa, 13 in Wisconsin, 22 in Washington. And that’s just President Obama’s approval ratings.” –Jay Leno

“Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he’s recovering. Good luck, that’s what he said about the economy.” –Jay Leno

“Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, “You’d better not steal any of our stuff…” –Jay Leno

“Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.” –Jay Leno

“Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying ‘Some things are supposed to be private.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he’s kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new school nutrition bill went into effect today. President Obama signed the bill and said it shows that we’re serious about children’s health. And then he went outside and smoked a cigarette.” –Craig Ferguson

“George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, is moving to New York City so that she can be closer to her twin sister, Barbara. Meanwhile, their dad plans to visit New York, so that he can be closer to ‘Elf: The Musical.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska,’ and Palin told Kate that you’re putting your family in danger if you don’t bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there’s always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness.” –Jimmy Fallon

“FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, ‘kind of a slow day.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.” –Conan O’Brien

“Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it’s even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.” –Conan O’Brien

“Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just ‘Anderson.’ I think I speak for everyone here at ‘Conan’ when I say, ‘God, what an ego on that guy!’” –Conan O’Brien

“Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.” –Jay Leno

“Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush.” –Jay Leno

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The following are some funny observations based on the news over the last week:

Michelle Obama wants to put salad bars in schools around the country.  Unfortunately, most kids would prefer candy bars.

Why shouldn’t a government organization like the TSA fondle our genitals at the airport?  The IRS has been fondling our bank accounts for years.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has written a book.  Actually he only wrote the captions to the pictures of himself in the book.  Since he has never even read a book not much more could be expected.

Fidel Castro has said that President Obama is “the best snake charmer that ever existed,” which means his approval rating is even low among the communists.

Obama got a fat lip over the weekend requiring 12 stitches.  There are only so many feet that can fit in there at one time.  Luckily, his Obamacare had already kicked in so he didn’t have to wait too long.

Actually, he got the fat lip from an errant elbow while playing basketball.  Now, since they know they can get away with it, the Republicans are putting together a team to challenge team Obama.

When Obama got hit with the elbow he didn’t know what expletives to say since there was no teleprompter available and Joe Biden wasn’t even there to give him any advice on the subject.

A dog in Chicago has learned to survive without a tongue after it got cut off in a paper shredder.  This is the type of injury that would kill a politician.

Monday was Cyber Monday, which meant it was the one day of the year when computers were used more for something else than porn in the work place.

Porn star, Capri Anderson, who was with Charlie Sheen the night he was arrested said she became upset because Charlie started using obscenities.  Apparently, porn stars are like mimes and they prefer to act out their obscenities.

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Here are several really funny gaffes made by President Obama.  I guess the teleprompter wasn’t working on these days.

”Now, what we’re doing, I want to be clear, we’re not trying to push financial reform because we begrudge success that’s fairly earned. I mean, I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.”

—Barack Obama, on Wall Street reform, Quincy, Ill., April 29, 2010

”The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.”

—Barack Obama, in remarks after a health care roundtable with physicians, nurses and health care providers, Washington, D.C., July 20, 2009

”In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed.”

—Barack Obama, on a Kansas tornado that killed 12 people

”I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.”

—Barack Obama, defending his tax plan to Joe the Plumber, who argued that Obama’s policy hurts small-business owners like himself, Toledo, Ohio, Oct. 12, 2008

”You’re likeable enough, Hillary.”

—Barack Obama, during a Democratic debate

”It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

—Barack Obama, explaining his troubles winning over some working-class voters

”What I was suggesting — you’re absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith…”

—Barack Obama, in an interview with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, who jumped in to correct Obama by saying ”your Christian faith,” which Obama quickly clarified

”Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions.”

—Barack Obama, exasperated by reporters after a news conference

”The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.”

—Barack Obama, Tampa, Fla., Jan. 28, 2010

”UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.”

—Barack Obama, attempting to make the case for government-run healthcare, while simultaneously undercutting his own argument, Portsmouth, N.H., Aug. 11, 2009

”I didn’t want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any seances.”

—Barack Obama, after saying he had spoken with all the living presidents as he prepared to take office, Washington, D.C., Nov. 7, 2008 (Obama later called Nancy Reagan to apologize)

”One such translator was an American of Haitian descent, representative of the extraordinary work that our men and women in uniform do all around the world — Navy Corpse-Man Christian Brossard.”

—Barack Obama, mispronouncing ”Corpsman” (the ”ps” is silent) during a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast, Washington, D.C., Feb. 5, 2010 (The Corpsman’s name is also Christopher, not Christian)

”I’ve now been in 57 states — I think one left to go.”

—Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon

”No, no. I have been practicing…I bowled a 129. It’s like — it was like Special Olympics, or something.”

—Barack Obama, making an off-hand joke during an appearance on ”The Tonight Show,” March 19, 2009 (Obama later called the head of the Special Olympics to apologize)

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Here are some funny observations based on the news from over the past week:

According to a new Washington Post poll 59% of Americans think we are on the wrong track.  The other 41% asked, “There’s a track?”

President Obama had a book thrown at him at a rally in Philadelphia which gave the idea to the Attorney Generals of all the red states of throwing the book at him for Obamacare.

The Secret Service decided the guy that threw the book at Obama did it innocently enough and they didn’t press charges.  I’m sure they would have decided differently if there had been a copy of a Constitution in the book.

Brett Farve is accused of propositioning women with lewd photos and text messages.  If he’s not careful he’ll be drafted to run for political office after he retires from football.

In one of the most watched Senate races in the country Republican Sharon Angle will get a big boost this week when both Obama and Joe Biden will be in Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid.

Starbucks is now telling its baristas to slow down, make it special, don’t prepare people’s orders so quickly.  Apparently, someone in management has switched from drinking coffee to smoking pot.

Obama’s polygamist brother, who is 52 years old, married a 19 year old Kenyan woman, his 3^rd Kenyan wife.  It sounds like he is more of a Bill Clinton admirer than he is a Barack Obama admirer.

If he were following his brother’s lead he would he would have charged the girl a fee to marry him, then had her fill out extensive forms with a 30-90 day approval time as well as comply with numerous other unnecessary regulations that his other wives would be in charge of approving and that is how he justifies having the extra wives.  The 19 year old would, of course, be getting screwed the whole time.

…and finally, isn’t it fitting that election day is so close to Halloween.  I can’t think of anything more haunting than the idea of incumbents getting re-elected.

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