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The following are some funny observations based on the news over the last week:

Michelle Obama wants to put salad bars in schools around the country.  Unfortunately, most kids would prefer candy bars.

Why shouldn’t a government organization like the TSA fondle our genitals at the airport?  The IRS has been fondling our bank accounts for years.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has written a book.  Actually he only wrote the captions to the pictures of himself in the book.  Since he has never even read a book not much more could be expected.

Fidel Castro has said that President Obama is “the best snake charmer that ever existed,” which means his approval rating is even low among the communists.

Obama got a fat lip over the weekend requiring 12 stitches.  There are only so many feet that can fit in there at one time.  Luckily, his Obamacare had already kicked in so he didn’t have to wait too long.

Actually, he got the fat lip from an errant elbow while playing basketball.  Now, since they know they can get away with it, the Republicans are putting together a team to challenge team Obama.

When Obama got hit with the elbow he didn’t know what expletives to say since there was no teleprompter available and Joe Biden wasn’t even there to give him any advice on the subject.

A dog in Chicago has learned to survive without a tongue after it got cut off in a paper shredder.  This is the type of injury that would kill a politician.

Monday was Cyber Monday, which meant it was the one day of the year when computers were used more for something else than porn in the work place.

Porn star, Capri Anderson, who was with Charlie Sheen the night he was arrested said she became upset because Charlie started using obscenities.  Apparently, porn stars are like mimes and they prefer to act out their obscenities.

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Here are several really funny gaffes made by President Obama.  I guess the teleprompter wasn’t working on these days.

”Now, what we’re doing, I want to be clear, we’re not trying to push financial reform because we begrudge success that’s fairly earned. I mean, I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money.”

—Barack Obama, on Wall Street reform, Quincy, Ill., April 29, 2010

”The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.”

—Barack Obama, in remarks after a health care roundtable with physicians, nurses and health care providers, Washington, D.C., July 20, 2009

”In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died — an entire town destroyed.”

—Barack Obama, on a Kansas tornado that killed 12 people

”I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.”

—Barack Obama, defending his tax plan to Joe the Plumber, who argued that Obama’s policy hurts small-business owners like himself, Toledo, Ohio, Oct. 12, 2008

”You’re likeable enough, Hillary.”

—Barack Obama, during a Democratic debate

”It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

—Barack Obama, explaining his troubles winning over some working-class voters

”What I was suggesting — you’re absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith…”

—Barack Obama, in an interview with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, who jumped in to correct Obama by saying ”your Christian faith,” which Obama quickly clarified

”Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions.”

—Barack Obama, exasperated by reporters after a news conference

”The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries.”

—Barack Obama, Tampa, Fla., Jan. 28, 2010

”UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.”

—Barack Obama, attempting to make the case for government-run healthcare, while simultaneously undercutting his own argument, Portsmouth, N.H., Aug. 11, 2009

”I didn’t want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any seances.”

—Barack Obama, after saying he had spoken with all the living presidents as he prepared to take office, Washington, D.C., Nov. 7, 2008 (Obama later called Nancy Reagan to apologize)

”One such translator was an American of Haitian descent, representative of the extraordinary work that our men and women in uniform do all around the world — Navy Corpse-Man Christian Brossard.”

—Barack Obama, mispronouncing ”Corpsman” (the ”ps” is silent) during a speech at the National Prayer Breakfast, Washington, D.C., Feb. 5, 2010 (The Corpsman’s name is also Christopher, not Christian)

”I’ve now been in 57 states — I think one left to go.”

—Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon

”No, no. I have been practicing…I bowled a 129. It’s like — it was like Special Olympics, or something.”

—Barack Obama, making an off-hand joke during an appearance on ”The Tonight Show,” March 19, 2009 (Obama later called the head of the Special Olympics to apologize)

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Here are some funny observations based on the news from over the past week:

According to a new Washington Post poll 59% of Americans think we are on the wrong track.  The other 41% asked, “There’s a track?”

President Obama had a book thrown at him at a rally in Philadelphia which gave the idea to the Attorney Generals of all the red states of throwing the book at him for Obamacare.

The Secret Service decided the guy that threw the book at Obama did it innocently enough and they didn’t press charges.  I’m sure they would have decided differently if there had been a copy of a Constitution in the book.

Brett Farve is accused of propositioning women with lewd photos and text messages.  If he’s not careful he’ll be drafted to run for political office after he retires from football.

In one of the most watched Senate races in the country Republican Sharon Angle will get a big boost this week when both Obama and Joe Biden will be in Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid.

Starbucks is now telling its baristas to slow down, make it special, don’t prepare people’s orders so quickly.  Apparently, someone in management has switched from drinking coffee to smoking pot.

Obama’s polygamist brother, who is 52 years old, married a 19 year old Kenyan woman, his 3^rd Kenyan wife.  It sounds like he is more of a Bill Clinton admirer than he is a Barack Obama admirer.

If he were following his brother’s lead he would he would have charged the girl a fee to marry him, then had her fill out extensive forms with a 30-90 day approval time as well as comply with numerous other unnecessary regulations that his other wives would be in charge of approving and that is how he justifies having the extra wives.  The 19 year old would, of course, be getting screwed the whole time.

…and finally, isn’t it fitting that election day is so close to Halloween.  I can’t think of anything more haunting than the idea of incumbents getting re-elected.

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Here are some funny observations that were made after seeing the news this week as reported by the media:

It looks like the Democrats are going to be doing so badly in November that Obama is considering unfriending the DNC on his Facebook account.

Obama is doing backyard visits now to campaign and he’s combining it with his new plan to reduce the deficit.  So, while he’s in the backyard he’s grilling hamburgers and hot dogs and selling them for a buck a piece.

President Obama plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers.  All of America was relieved to hear he wasn’t planning to train any teachers using his form of economics.

In a recent poll 53% of voters said they would vote for Obama again…but only if he was able to go back in time and actually become the guy he promised to be in 2008.

A poll by CNN revealed that 51% of the voters wanted Obamacare repealed.  The other 49% couldn’t answer because they were standing in line to start the onerous paperwork in case they got sick before the bill did get repealed.

Sarah Palin got a protective order against someone who was making alleged threats against her.  If only Bristol Palin had gotten an order for protection she would have never made her idiot ex-boyfriend famous.

Mark Zuckerberg, the 26 year old billionaire who founded Facebook, decided he will donate up to $100million to the troubled public school system in Newark , New Jersey.  He has no connection to the school he just thought it seemed like a good idea after talking to their mayor.  It’s foresight like that which could end that young man in the Obama administration.

Denny’s Restaurant has added a vegan burger to their menu, which is a really great idea considering Denny’s is such a hotbed for vegan customers.

Rahm Emmanuel resigned as Obama’s chief of staff because he wants to run for Mayor of Chicago.  Apparently, he feels that being one step away from running the mob is a more powerful position that being one step from running the United States.

…and finally the economy just doesn’t seem to be getting any better, it keeps falling as fast as Lindsay Lohan when she gets out of rehab.

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Here are some more Obama jokes from the late night comedians covering that last few years, including Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Craig Ferguson and others.

From “The Late Show with David Letterman,”  July 24, 2009:

Anybody see President Obama’s press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here’s the deal: it will cost a trillion dollars, but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it’s not that bad.

President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He’s very upset about what’s going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he’s going to stop smoking Camels.

So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.

President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax code. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.

People think it’s amazing that the President would take time to leave Washington, D.C., and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them.

President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder’s fee from the IRS.

The Obamas are expecting the arrival of the First Dog in April. Actually, it’s Obama’s second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems.

President Obama took his first foreign trip as president today up to Canada. He met with the prime minister to discuss one of the greatest threats facing our nation today — Canadian geese.

Prosecutors said Tuesday that there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, “Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?”

He’s come up with a great initiative to create two and a half million jobs for America … it’s a wonderful plan, the catch is we all have to move to China.

Tonight: the media reacts to Obama’s cabinet picks. There’s a debate over whether to shower him with praise — or adulation.

Everyone is waiting to see what Barack Obama has planned. We already know his economic plan. It’s designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler.

It’s an exciting time in Washington, Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. And so far, he’s got his mother-in-law gonna be living with him, and he’s talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. So you got your mother-in-law, you got Hillary Clinton — boy, sounds like smooth sailing to me!

It’s an exciting time in Washington, Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. And so far, he’s got his mother-in-law gonna be living with him, and he’s talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. So you got your mother-in-law, you got Hillary Clinton — boy, sounds like smooth sailing to me!

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Here are some more jokes about Obama from the late night comedians:

From “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” June 7, 2010:

Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo’s Central High School graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that would be great.

President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon, and the volcano said the same thing about him.

President Obama filled out his census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law.

Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke.

On the “Today” show this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living at the White House because he has to say that.

On Fox News yesterday, White House senior advisor David Axelrod said that President Obama hasn’t given up on achieving something valuable in Copenhagen [at the U.N. Climate Change Conference]. In one year, we’ve gone from “Yes we can” to “We haven’t totally given up.”

It’s hard to believe there’s only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year’s resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year.

I‘m trying to sum up President Obama’s first eleven months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.

One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called Barackula. Not so popular: Congressman Barney Frankenstein.

The Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years — as long as it takes!

Earlier today, the Nobel Prize for Economics was awarded to a woman for the first time ever. So congratulations, Michelle Obama.

Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it.

The big question now, with the troops in Afghanistan, is how soon can we expect a decision from President Obama on this troop thing? We’ve been waiting, but I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon. Remember, it took him five months to decide on a puppy.

Next Tuesday, President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation’s students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama “Best President Ever.”

The Obamas are taking a vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. … And people on Martha’s Vineyard are going crazy and they’re buying Obama t-shirts, they’re buying Obama mugs, they’re buying Obama caps. The only thing they’re not buying is Obama’ s health-care plan.

I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The president just turned 48 years old — if he was ever really born, that is. … But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why health care is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of health care coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.

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Here are some more tax jokes from the late night comedians from the last few years.  Since this is election season it’s a good idea to remind the politicians what we think of their taxes:

“The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?” —Jay Leno

“We ought to thank President Obama. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.” —Jay Leno

“President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.” —Jay Leno

“Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.” —Jay Leno

“Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” —Jay Leno

“The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it’s a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy.” —Jay Leno

“At last night’s debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said ‘Hey, thanks for the new slogan.’” —Craig Kilborn

“Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.” —Conan O’Brien

“If your accountant is Arthur Anderson … today is the last day you could have your tax documents shredded by April 15th.” —David Letterman

“I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension.” —David Letterman

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“The House passed a bill where there’s a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that’s going to drive good people out of the fraud business.” –Bill Maher

“And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” –Jay Leno

“Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.” –Craig Ferguson

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Here are a few funny observations that were made this week from reading about and watching the news:

President Obama has vowed to “keep fighting, every single day, every single hour, every single minute, to turn this economy around.”  In fact, I felt he had just as strong of a resolve as O.J. did when he said he’d find his ex-wife’s real killer.

…I’d bet if O.J. wasn’t in prison Obama would be out on the golf course with him right now talking about their respective resolves.

The President announced that this fall he will campaign for Democrats in four crucial states.  Republicans have offered to fund his trip to make sure he keeps the promise.

Obama’s appearance will be tied to a major “get out to vote” campaign by Democrats.  The Democrats he will be campaigning for have tried a “get out of our state…please…Sir” campaign directed to Obama but so far it has been unsuccessful.

Obama is coming off his resistance, a little bit at least, on extending the Bush tax cuts for the rich.  He has conceded to only raise taxes of registered Republicans who make more than $250,000.

Enough about Obama (and hopefully we’ll be saying that again in 2012)…A recent study shows that obesity caused by drinking can add to brain damage by drinking itself.  I’m pretty sure, though, this is because fat drunks were found to fall down a lot and hit their heads.

Researchers found that a birth control pill was making some women gain as much as 40 lbs. after taking the pill.  On the plus side though, after gaining the 40 lbs. birth control was not now an issue since they no longer had anyone interested in having sex with them.

Tiger Woods has taken up writing to augment his golfing career.  He wrote a new advertising slogan and presented it to Nike, but they, sadly, did not accept the new slogan which was “Just do me”.

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Here are the funniest jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

“President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they’ll believe anything.” –Jay Leno

“There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation’s infrastructure. Now, let’s think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn’t that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is trying to back the Republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts for small businesses with tax hikes on big business. It’s like that old trick when you take two balls and throw one in the air to distract your opponent and throw the other one right at his chest. That’s right, I can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls. Tomorrow night we will discuss trickle-down economics.” –Craig Ferguson

“So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad about it, it just means they don’t know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn’t dare interrupt their game of croquet.” –Craig Ferguson

“The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet.” –Craig Ferguson

“U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be ‘moderately’ corrupt. It’s the same policy we have in Congress.” –Jay Leno

“Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she’s now eligible to be governor of Alaska.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, “People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.’ And believe me, she knows what she’s talking about.” –Jay Leno

“A teacher has been jailed for six months for assigning her students masturbation as homework. What is happening to our education system? Remember when teachers cared enough to have sex with students personally.” –Jay Leno

“It’s rumored that White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi is going to pose nude in Playboy. Salahi said her main motivation for posing in Playboy is the fact that no one’s invited her to.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It’s fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again.” –David Letterman

“At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That’s not really a peace plan. That’s how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion.” –Jay Leno

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There continues to be bad news in the polls for President Obama and congressional Democrats.  In a poll on the president’s handling of the economy 57% of those polled disapproved of the job he was doing.  The remaining 43% didn’t understand the question.

Obama is starting to catch onto his poll numbers going down and he is rethinking the fact that he has been channeling Joseph Stalin as his economic advisor.   Of course, this fact pissed off Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and it actually created a bit of a tiff between the three of them.  Shortly afterward, though, it all got straightened out.  Obama came on stage to do a speech.   Harry and Nancy were in the audience.  Obama started out by saying, “Hello.  Today, I’d like to talk to you about taxing and spending.”  Suddenly Reid and Pelosi rush up on stage and hugged Obama.  They were both crying with relief and were heard saying together, “You had me at hello, you had me at hello.”  They both got down on their knees and starting kissing his ass.  But, curiously, neither one of them would kiss his right cheek.  They both insisted on kissing only his left ass cheek.  At least that’s the way I heard the story.

As Obama continued his speech he was getting a little distracted and irritated by the fact that Reid and Pelosi were still slobbering all over his left ass cheek so finally he had to call the Secret Service agent out to extricate them.  As they were being dragged off stage Obama looked at them a little resentfully and said to them, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Anyway, in the above mentioned speech he was quoted as saying, “Let’s reach out for hope.”  I can only think that “reaching out for hope” is a euphemism for “let’s reach for your wallet because I’m about to tax your butt.”

In the president’s defense, though, he really does need to raise taxes.  Otherwise, how could he possibly pay for all the luxurious vacations he’s been taking lately.

A fact that Obama likes to conveniently forget when he blames George Bush for the economy and everything else, including his bowling inability, is that he was a member of the democratically controlled congress that helped to massively screw up the economy in the first place.  A Republican lady in the audience reminded him of that fact to which Obama quickly retorted, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

(Sorry, I seem to have a movie quoting jones going on here.)

And, of course, considering himself the son of God (if not God himself) he wouldn’t really give a damn what anybody else thinks or else he wouldn’t be following through with the policies that most people are not in favor of and are doing more harm than good.  For example, in another poll regarding Obama’s overall job performance 59% did not approve of his overall performance, while 25% were too busy to answer because they were looking for his birth certificate and the remaining were not able to answer because they were illegal aliens, but were definitely going to be voting for him in the next election if he is able to get them amnesty.

Finally, as Obama was wrapping up his speech and extolling the benefits of high taxation, he got the best Italian expression on his face that he could muster and said to the entire audience, “I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

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