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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever. –Jay Leno

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent. –Jay Leno

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?” –Jay Leno

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.” –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made. –Conan O’Brien

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.” –Conan O’Brien

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China. –Conan O’Brien

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.” –Conan O’Brien

Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign. –David Letterman

People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why. –David Letterman

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt. –David Letterman

The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who’s anyone in show business is in France right now. “But Craig, you’re here in Los Angeles.” Exactly. I’m lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber’s monkey. –Craig Ferguson

The Germans are like, “No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany. –Craig Ferguson

Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge. –Craig Ferguson

O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He’s serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won’t be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we’ll have even have “Dancing With the Stars” by then. –Jimmy Kimmel

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them. –Jimmy Kimmel

He’s hoping if he’s granting a retrial they’ll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?” –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.” –Jimmy Fallon

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while “American Idol” will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest’s house. –Jimmy Fallon

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up. –Jay Leno

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit. –Jay Leno

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit. –Jay Leno

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? –Jay Leno

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with. –David Letterman

OJ Simpson is back in court. He’s gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. –David Letterman

Remember: If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit. –David Letterman

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice. –Jimmy Fallon

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, “We’ll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter. –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team’s long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads. –Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, “Eh, it’s not the end of the world.” –Jimmy Fallon

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that. –Jay Leno

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. –Jay Leno

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I’ll have somebody to hang out with next year. –Jay Leno

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, “Look, O.J., we’ve been through this before. It’s a long shot. And O.J. said, “You know what? I think I’ll take a stab at it.” –David Letterman

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. –Craig Ferguson

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are several jokes by Jay Leno about Barack Obama:

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it’s about time. Don’t you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ openly.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!

And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.

Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.

President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That’s what he said. It’s going to get worse. See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘Change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed, good night, thank you! It’s going to get worse!’

Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn’t it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the ’80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He’s a strongman from Austria. He’s an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they’re ebony and ivory.

Well you know what’s really strange? If [Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano] gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn’t president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.’

Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? … Here’s Barack: cover of Time, Men’s Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, ‘Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?’

The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He’s the first wired president. … He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they’re easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, ‘OMG! WTF?’ I mean, he couldn’t believe it.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. ‘Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.’

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call ‘Obama babies.’ Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That’s true. See, that’s why there’s never been any Detroit Lions babies.

According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s or either of the President Bush’s when they entered office. It’s much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That’s on CNN. On Fox, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan? ‘Maybe We Can.’
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?

It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

It’s starting to get serious — China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, “Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.” –Jay Leno

Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate. –Jay Leno

According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky! –Jay Leno

Charlie Sheen is on the show tonight to talk about his hit TV show “Anger Management.” In fact, they’re adding a new character this year — Rutgers coach Mike Rice. –Jay Leno

A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber’s 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing: The other half is real. –Conan O’Brien

Japanese engineers have created what they call a “Girlfriend Jacket” that replicates the sensation of being hugged by a woman from behind. Once again, Japanese engineers remain on the cutting edge of creepy loneliness. –Conan O’Brien

Quentin Tarantino has had to alter “Django Unchained” so it can be shown in China. It will be “Django Escapes the iPad Factory.” –Conan O’Brien

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. Rihanna said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles. –Conan O’Brien

South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a media-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Cookie Monster was arrested last weekend. Not the real Cookie Monster — the one that dresses up like him in Times Square. A woman claimed he shoved her 2-year-old and cursed her out because she didn’t give him a tip. There’s a reason he’s called the Cookie Monster and not the Cookie Gentleman. –Jimmy Kimmel

Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, “Yeah, that’s how you know it’s good.” –Jimmy Fallon

Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress “Manatee Grey,” now Target is having to rename a pair of sandals called “Orina” because “orina” means “urine” in Spanish — while the name “Target” is just Spanish for “Fancy Wal-Mart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in “deep doo doo” with North Korea. Incidentally, “deep doo do” is the color of the suit I just got at Target. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called “lazy” gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother? –Jimmy Fallon

We had unusually high winds last night. I looked out my window to see that the wind had blown down a huge palm tree. Then I turned on my TV and saw Michigan had blown a huge lead. Congratulations, Louisville Cardinals. NCAA champions. Beat Michigan, 82-76. –Jay Leno

Here’s an amazing stat. the Lakers’ Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this year than Steve Nash has missed in his entire 17-year career. Even more amazing, Kobe Bryant has now taken more shots than Lance Armstrong. –Jay Leno

The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, “You can do that?” –Jay Leno

That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for. –Jay Leno

In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical “Grease.” That’s also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong. –Conan O’Brien

North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, “Whoa, easy on the tequila.” -Craig Ferguson

Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They’re adorable little missiles with “Hello Kitty” on them. -Craig Ferguson

This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven’t seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since “Gangnam Style.” -Craig Ferguson

This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?” –Jimmy Fallon

A prop phaser gun from the “Star Trek” TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction — making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you. –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he’s challenging himself to meet a new person every day. If only there were a website that could make that easy. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week people broke into the home of Miami Heat star Chris Bosh and stole $479,000 worth of jewelry while he was at his birthday party. Though on the plus side, now his friends know what to get him next year. –Jimmy Fallon

Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy. –Jay Leno

Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I’m sorry, that’s not Kim Jong Un. That’s Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused. –Jay Leno

Stockton, Calif., has become the most populous city in the nation to go to bankruptcy. Stockton is so broke, the 99 Cent Store has been accused of price gouging. –Jay Leno

You know what they call “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” in Stockton? “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” –Jay Leno

The company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies. A company spokesman said we want to branch out from people who don’t care what they drink to people who don’t care what they eat. –Conan O’Brien

Top fashion designer Michael Kors has launched a new campaign to stop world hunger. His first step: Stop hiring supermodels. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Kardashian, who is five months pregnant, reportedly wants to give birth by C-section. In other words, even in childbirth, Kim is determined to avoid any kind of labor. –Conan O’Brien

There’s this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won’t do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is. –Jimmy Fallon

Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I’m gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman — and then we’ll talk about Kim Jong Un. –Jimmy Fallon

This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, “You killed that thing, right?” –Jimmy Fallon

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(I wrote this article last year around this time…Hmmm, if only it had come true.)

President Obama apparently got a visit from the ghost of Christmas future, which made him realize the right thing to do was to give a gift to all the poor children whose parents make more than $250,000 a year.  Of course, the Democrats may assert that he got a visit from the Devil, but it’s all a matter of perspective.

Instead of seeing a grave site in his future like Scrooge saw in the classic Dickens tale, Obama saw himself sitting in a retirement chair in 2012, which to a power hungry politician is the same as a grave site.

I’m guessing it went something like the following.  When Obama got the visit from the ghost of Christmas future, who he dreaded the most of all the Christmas spirits, he first saw Hillary Clinton haggling over his belongings while she was preparing to run for election in 2012.

Next the ghost of Christmas future took him to see “tiny” Joe Biden.  He was “tiny” not because he was short in physical stature but short or “tiny” in his ability to think and talk at the same time.  He got to view a conversation from the future:

Tiny Joe:  Hi, Mr. President, how the f___ are you?  Why so glum?

Obama:  I just lost the primary, to Hillary Clinton of all people.  I thought I had her bought off with that Secretary of State post.

Tiny Joe:  Oh well, It’s not a big f___ing deal.  We had four years.  Our time is passed.  Hey, I know, we can blame Bush for not getting re-elected.

Obama:  It is a big deal, you idiot.  We almost had the whole country turned communist.  Now, I won’t be able to make it happen.

Tiny Joe shrugs and walks off.  The ghost of Christmas future and Obama fast forward to a room where they see Tiny Joe’s head soaking in a jar of formaldehyde.

Obama:  What happened to him?

Ghost:  You shot him after the last scene we just saw and now they are studying his brain to try to figure out how someone so stupid could advance so far in the political scene.  You spent the rest of your life in prison, where you lobbied for prisoners to get free cigarettes from the government.

Obama:  Hmmm…Still, I did get to shoot Biden, so every cloud does have a silver lining.

They fast forward to a new scene.  Obama walks into Ben Bernake’s office:

Obama:  Hi Uncle Ben.  Even though I’m not going to be President anymore will you still be able to print money for me any time I want it.

Bernake shakes the shackles that father time has pinned him with due to all his financial transgressions and he shouts at the top of his lungs:

Ben:  No, you moron, not another dime for you.  I’m going to have to fake another bailout to the big companies so they force their employees and unions to vote for Hillary.  Yeah, she’s a bitch, but at least she’s not a Republican.

Obama wakes up and finds himself in the Lincoln Room of the White House.  He sees the ghost of Lincoln staring him in the face.

Obama:  Abe is it really you?

Lincoln:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m that commie Franklin D. Roosevelt?  Of course, I’m Abe.  But if you don’t straighten up your act you’re going to end up here with us other presidential ghosts and you’ll be treated just like we all treat Roosevelt.  Nobody likes him very much, not even Truman.

Obama:  What should I do Abe?

Lincoln:  Work with the Republican’s for starters.

Obama:  I will, Abe, I will.

Obama ran out of the room and he was true to his word.  He did work with the Republicans, at least to the degree that he thought it would get him re-elected.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

We are very excited to have the president of the United States on the show tonight. As you know, he only does these shows maybe once or twice a week. –Jay Leno

Actually, do you know why the president is here tonight? Do you know the real reason? To talk to NBC about canceling “The Apprentice.” –Jay Leno

Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states. –Jay Leno

Even though he’s spending all day on Air Force One, there’s an office on the plane where the president can work. It’s just like being in Washington. He’s got the desk, he’s got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do. –Jay Leno

Here in New York City it’s 65 and foggy, just like me. –David Letterman

Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They’re very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote. –David Letterman

The first lady will be a guest on our show tomorrow. She’ll be here to promote her new reality show, “America’s Next Top Lady.” –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m excited to get a chance to interview the first lady and excited about partying with her Secret Service agents after the show. –Jimmy Kimmel

Apple unveiled their new iPad mini yesterday. It’s got a 7.9-inch screen — two inches smaller than the regular iPad. Apple wanted to make it smaller in case your mom wasn’t squinting enough with the original iPad. –Jimmy Kimmel

I feel like at this point Apple is releasing products just to see if there’s anything we won’t buy. –Jimmy Kimmel

A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: “The Mittuation.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don’t care who they’re with, as long as they get that burger. –Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was Game 1 of the World Series at San Francisco’s AT&T Park. You could tell it was AT&T Park, because whenever the umps made a call, it got dropped. –Jimmy Fallon

Did you all watch the debate last night? I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn’t decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game. –Jay Leno

Last night President Obama finally found a Republican who agreed with him — Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama. –Jay Leno

The Vatican has named its first-ever Native American saint. Her miracle was opening a casino without mob involvement. –Jay Leno

That was some debate last night. At one point moderator Bob Schieffer said “Obama bin Laden.” It was right before he called Romney “Adolf Mittler.” -Conan O’Brien

During last night’s debate, President Obama told Mitt Romney, “The 1980s called and they want their foreign policy back.” Romney tried to deliver a comeback but then his beeper went off. -Conan O’Brien

A lot of crazy rumors are starting to surface about the two candidates. A man is claiming that President Obama used and sold cocaine in college. On the bright side, if this is true, it means Obama does have business experience. -Conan O’Brien

Today a poll found that President Obama won last night’s debate among a voting block known as “Walmart moms.” And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn’t be caught dead at Walmart. -Conan O’Brien

Did you see the debate last night? It was the same stuff, but here’s what was different. In the first debate they were at podiums. The second debate, it was stools. Last night, chairs and desks. The next debate — yoga mats. –David Letterman

Last night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here’s what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch. –David Letterman

After the debate last night, experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances. –David Letterman

Sad news from Cuba. Fidel Castro is — still alive. Today the Cuban government released a photo to prove it. When a government has to put out photos to prove you’re alive, that means one thing — you’re dying. It’s like when a celebrity couple does an “at home” piece with a TV newsmagazine. That means the divorce is imminent. –Craig Ferguson

Castro will die at some point. He can’t live forever. He’s not Larry King. –Craig Ferguson

The CIA once tried to kill Castro with an exploding cigar. Back then the CIA got their ideas from “Road Runner” cartoons. We tried dropping an anvil on his head. Then we painted a tunnel on a cliff. He ran right through. –Craig Ferguson

Castro’s net worth somehow is over $550 million. I guess you save money when you wear the same outfit for 40 years. Khaki shirt, khaki pants, khaki hat. I call it the “beige of pigs.” –Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump announced that he will announce something big tomorrow, some very big news about President Obama. So it must be big news because it isn’t like him to make a big deal out of something that isn’t news. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is promising an October surprise tomorrow. Typically that’s a shocking news story that can change the outcome of an election. At this point I don’t know what information Trump could have. Will he reveal that Obama is the guy that has been styling his hair for the last 20 years? That could be bad for Obama. –Jimmy Kimmel

Obama and Romney aren’t the only people running for president. A number of other candidates faced off in a debate tonight in Chicago moderated by Larry King, who was the only person anyone knew on the stage. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night’s debate was held in Boca Raton, Florida. Romney actually has a three-point lead among Florida voters. Of course, he still faces a major obstacle — making sure those voters are still alive for the election. –Jimmy Fallon

During last night’s debate, moderator Bob Schieffer mistakenly referred to Osama bin Laden as “Obama bin Laden.” Everyone at CBS news was really embarrassed, while Fox News was like, “We’ll take him!” –Jimmy Fallon

So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what’s scarier than four more years of this economy? –Jay Leno

Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. –Jay Leno

The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC’s most successful show so far this season. –Jay Leno

One in every seven people on the planet now owns a cell phone. You know what’s even more amazing? That when I go to the theater, I never sit next to any of the other six people. –Jay Leno

Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy. -Conan O’Brien

Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the “I killed Osama bin Laden” T-shirt. -Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks. -Conan O’Brien

The Yankees had trouble in the play-offs. Here’s the problem. Derek Jeter broke his ankle and could not play. The other part of the problem is Alex Rodriguez didn’t break his ankle and COULD play. –David Letterman

Pundits are saying Mitt Romney won the first debate, and the second debate probably was won by President Obama. Whoever wins the third debate, held tonight, will meet the Tigers in the World Series. –David Letterman

Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples. –David Letterman

Lance Armstrong was stripped of all seven of his Tour de France titles. Everyone here should be proud. Congratulations. You’ve all won the exact same number of Tour de France championships as Lance Armstrong. –Craig Ferguson

Armstrong said he doesn’t have the energy to fight this decision. But his lawyers said that will probably change once he takes some more steroids. –Craig Ferguson

News from Hollywood is they’re going ahead with a sequel to “Snow White and the Huntsman.” The entire cast is returning — all the dwarves except Dopey. This time Dopey’s going to be played by Lance Armstrong. –Craig Ferguson

The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old — or as Florida residents call that, “a tween.”

Donald Trump said he has a “very big” announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he’s going to endorse him. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has a big announcement regarding President Obama. Apparently he has evidence that Obama was born in “Romnesia.” –Jimmy Fallon

French President Francois Hollande has promised to ban schools from assigning homework. Seriously? That’s not a European president’s platform — that was my 9th grade student council platform. “I’m gonna do away with homework, and put RC Cola back in all the vending machines!” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel: (the rest are in reruns this week)

Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet. –Craig Ferguson

Everyone on TV has said everything there is to say about the last presidential debate, so there’s no political commentary here. Tuning into this show for political commentary is like watching Bravo to learn about sports. Or like going to Larry King for marital advice. . –Craig Ferguson

They say $100 million worth of priceless art was stolen from a museum in Holland. Though if it’s $100 million worth of priceless art, it is not really priceless, is it? . –Craig Ferguson

The FBI actually has an art theft unit. If CBS ever makes a show out of this heist, the FBI guy would say, “Thieves steal paintings to get rich. Let’s bust ‘em so they wind up ‘baroque.’” Hey, that’s a proper joke right there. . –Craig Ferguson

Did anyone in this room watch the debate last night, the presidential debate? I didn’t like it. I thought it was uncomfortable. I don’t know why they have to argue all the time. –Jimmy Kimmel

The whole thing was very tense, sometimes passive aggressive. Just like being with your family at Thanksgiving. In fact, I think they officially kicked the holiday season off last night with the debate. –Jimmy Kimmel

A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama’s strategy of staying awake through this one paid off. –Jimmy Kimmel

The format of the debate was a town hall meeting. Before last night, I didn’t know town hall meetings were a real thing. I thought they made them up for movies like “Footloose.” –Jimmy Kimmel

The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket. –Jimmy Kimmel

The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as “Money Bag.” –Conan O’Brien

One of President Obama’s goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from “Fifty Shades of Grey.” –Conan O’Brien

After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president. –Conan O’Brien

Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive. –Conan O’Brien

A company just came out with a car that will retail for only $3,000. They are calling it the 1997 Corolla. –Conan O’Brien

It’s not such a great day for Hulk Hogan. Sources now say he was involved in leaking his own sex tape. Faking the theft of a sex tape? This could give professional wrestling a bad name. –Craig Ferguson

Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said “Boooo, China.” And Obama was like, “Yay, old people.” –Craig Ferguson

Nobody in the debate talked about today’s big story out of Europe — the big art heist at a museum in Rotterdam. You have to hand it to these thieves. It is not easy sneaking up in the Netherlands. Usually your wooden shoes give you away. –Craig Ferguson

Tonight is the second of three big debates between President Obama and Mitt Romney from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York, moderated by Candy Crowley. Why should it be on all channels? The Super Bowl is on one channel and we find it. –Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She’s pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election. –Jimmy Kimmel

They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn’t it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess? –Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight’s debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place. –Jimmy Kimmel

One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight’s debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, President Obama said he thinks Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj can fix their feud. Sounds like he’s ready for the second debate. –Conan O’Brien

Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It’s an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Hulk Hogan is suing over the release of his sex tape. Yeah. And guess what? So is everyone else. –Conan O’Brien

It’s not a great day for the ladies of “The View.” Barbara Walters announced this morning they were snubbed by Mitt Romney. He was scheduled for an interview, but he canceled at the last minute. Barbara said, and I quote, “you do not cwoss me, Mitt Womney. I will have my wevenge.” –Craig Ferguson

Apparently Mitt Romney wants to limit his appearances to places where no one will attack his positions. You know, like the debates. –Craig Ferguson

It was a big weekend in L.A. The space shuttle Endeavor was pulled through L.A. traffic to its new home at the California Science Center on Sunday. It was supposed to arrive the day before, but it got rear ended by Amanda Bynes. –Craig Ferguson

It was a big weekend for Felix Baumgartner, the Austrian daredevil who broke the world record for sky diving. He jumped off a balloon 24 miles high. He fell to earth so fast he broke the sound barrier. He fell faster than President Obama’s poll numbers after the debate. –Craig Ferguson

Lindsay Lohan has at long last revealed the candidate she backs. She made the announcement at the Mr. Pink ginseng drink launch party where historically key political endorsements are handed out. –Jimmy Kimmel

She gave an endorsement while doing an endorsement. I don’t know if that’s ever been done before. –Jimmy Kimmel

As of Friday morning Lindsay Lohan was not registered to vote but incredibly, still registered to drive. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lindsay’s publicist told “Today” she’s in the process of registering to vote. She sent in the paperwork. I don’t see that happening. Could you imagine Lindsay Lohan waking up early on November 6 and waiting in line at a high school to vote? Maybe if she was already passed out in the bushes at the high school, then maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

It was 109 degrees today in Los Angeles. It was so hot today, Joe Biden was putting his foot in his mouth just to cool it off. –Jay Leno

President Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know, just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech. –Jay Leno

According to a new poll, atheism is becoming more and more popular among Americans. God only knows why. –Jay Leno

A research group reports that video game sales are down for the eighth straight month. I’ll tell you how bad it’s been. The other day, I saw a 15-year-old kid riding a bike outside. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, “Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?” –David Letterman

Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he’s fed up. So today President Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden. –David Letterman

Today is National Relaxation Day. Today’s the day when you can just check Facebook and not think about work, just like every other day here in America. –Jimmy Kimmel

The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer, and President Obama drinks it when he goes out campaigning. And even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning. –Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. military is sending surveillance blimps to monitor the U.S. border with Mexico. It’s a great plan until everyone looks up and sees the blimps. –Jimmy Fallon

A man who lost his memory used pictures on Facebook to piece his life back together. Or as most people call that, “Sunday morning.” –Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney has picked Paul Ryan as his running mate. Experts say Ryan can add something vital to this campaign that Mitt Romney lacks: a personality. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns. –Jay Leno

Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman. –Jay Leno

Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again. –Jay Leno

Did you enjoy the Olympics? How about Usain Bolt, the fastest man on earth. What an athlete. The slowest man on earth? It’s the guy at the crosswalk whenever I try to make a right turn. –David Letterman

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That’s right, unlimited bread sticks. –David Letterman

I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie? –David Letterman

A government survey has found that for the first time, 12 states have what they described as very high obesity rates. The survey was conducted by telephone. It just as easily could have been conducted by mirror. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s a good thing people don’t lie about their weight because otherwise we might be even fatter than we thought. –Jimmy Kimmel

Something very odd is going on in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they’re planning to build a new city that will be reserved exclusively for women to work. We have a woman-only city here in America, too. It’s called “The View” and it’s terrifying. –Jimmy Kimmel

Just to make sure men don’t sneak in, everyone entering the Saudi Arabian city will be forced to sit through the director’s cut of “Sex and the City 2.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney’s vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama said, “Didn’t you just get a new job?” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney’s running mate, which isn’t too bad considering most Americans don’t approve of Paul Ryan’s running mate. –Jimmy Fallon

New research found that 25 percent of Americans don’t know their own cell phone number — while the rest thought of a different excuse to get out of dating that researcher. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Oregon walked away with minor injuries after he fell asleep in a dumpster and ended up in a trash compacter. It raises a lot of questions, and the answer to all of them is tequila. –Jimmy Fallon

Did you all enjoy the Olympics? Wasn’t it thrilling when the U.S. women’s team took home the gold in gymnastics? Think about that. A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than a bunch of Chinese kids — that never happens. –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men’s soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles. –Jay Leno

Congratulations to American Ashton Eaton. He won the gold in the Olympic decathlon. Hopefully, he will not do what many great American decathletes have done. You know, get bad plastic surgery and marry a Kardashian. –Jay Leno

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn’t London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here’s what happened. We got outbribed. –David Letterman

There was something about that basketball final. Because here are you, the USA once again going for the gold, late in the Olympics. Comes down to the final seconds of the basketball game and Al Michaels is screaming, “Do you believe in the obvious?” –David Letterman

Presidential nominee Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He did not medal but next year he will be on “Dancing With the Stars.” –David Letterman

Athletes from the United States did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners/future “Dancing With the Stars” contestants. –Jimmy Kimmel

On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy. –Jimmy Kimmel

We have basketball gold medalists Kevin Durant and James Harden on the show tonight! I plan on asking them a lot of questions: How did it feel to win the gold? What was it like being on the podium? Will you please come play for the Knicks? –Jimmy Fallon

It was a great Olympics — Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow — especially when they had to make all of our “We’re #1” T-shirts. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Things about the secret service scandal are coming to light.  For example, the Secret Service agents thought these prostitutes were being a threat to the President, so to avert the threat they threw their bodies on top of the prostitutes, making the ultimate sacrifice.  At least that’s the story they are telling their wives and girlfriends.

Pizza Hut has introduced something called Crown Crust Pizza in the Middle East.  It’s a pizza with twelve mini cheeseburgers around the outside crust.  Terrorists on suicide missions are actually driving truckloads of these pizzas into areas to kill innocent bystanders with existing heart conditions.

Obama is using the one good thing about his presidency as a campaign issue, the killing of bin Laden.  Unfortunately, he fails to mention how he also helped to kill the economy.

German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outlined Al-Qaida’s plans for more terrorists attack.  Now we know what German authorities are watching while on the job.  I’m surprised the Secret Service didn’t find it.

President Obama has a new campaign slogan, “Forward.”  He’s hoping we don’t look back at what he didn’t do.  He’s essentially saying, “we should look forward at what we do do,” which kind of makes him the doo-doo president.

Obama admitted that he made up a girlfriend in his autobiography.  That’s not hard to believe because now he’s making up improved unemployment statistics too.

Octomom, who filed for bankruptcy, has agreed to star in a porn film.  If she’s not careful she won’t qualify for the Octomon of the Year Award.

Over 100,000 people have listed themselves as organ donors since Facebook made it an option last week.  They had to make a special memo to Anthony Weiner as to what organs qualified to be donated.

I saw an article about people “oversharing” on Facebook.  But when people talk about their Farmville animals sex acts I think it has gone too far.

President Obama officially launched his re-election campaign.  So in order to be able to do more fundraisers, since that has already been his main presidential duty, he’s going to need to cut back on his presidential golf responsibilities.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Congress is still very upset about the whole Secret Service/prostitution scandal.  They are launching an investigation to find out why they weren’t allowed in on it.

According to his book, Dreams from my Father, President Obama said that when he was a young boy he ate dog meat.  Now, apparently, he is saying his dog is getting back at him by eating the true figures on unemployment and that’s why he’s making up his own numbers.

The TSA frisked a 4 year old in an airport.  So, now if you work for the TSA it’s not just legal to be a general pervert but you can be a pedophile as well.

According to a recent study only one out of ten women considers herself attractive.  The irony is that if a man can get a woman naked he doesn’t really care what she looks like.  Additionally, many men during sex are thinking of other women anyway.

Last weekend was the NFL player draft.  Some of the players that got drafted were so excited they partied like government employees at taxpayers expense.

It’s a law now in California that police must screen adult films to make sure condoms are being used.  As a result, there has been an influx of TSA agents applying to the LAPD.

Mel Gibson admitted on the Tonight Show that he does have “a bit of a temper.”  That’s like Al Gore admitting that he can be a little boring.

The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Post Office to stop Saturday deliveries in order to stop the flow of red ink from the agency.  So the government is sticking to its philosophy of making a crappy service even crappier in order to make it better.

Vice President, Joe Biden, was promoting Obama’s foreign policy and to prove how good the administration is at foreign policy Biden said he was going to eat in an Italian restaurant that night.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

A Massachusetts medical clinic was trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza.  It seems that is the perfect add-on item because what man hasn’t at one time had the thought, “I really should get a vasectomy but I’m so hungry.  If only there was a place I could get both a vasectomy and a pizza.”

When you hear about a promo like that it just makes you hope that they aren’t giving away any sausage pizzas.

Kim Kardashian is the latest female celebrity that wants to date Tim Tebow.  She wants to do it for humanitarian reasons, though, so she can cure him of his malady, virginity.

The story line of the failed Disney movie, John Carter, was about a civil war soldier on Mars.  I can’t see why that bombed at the box office.  If that is not the winning concept for a movie, I don’t know what is.

The Hunger Games was, however, a big hit at the box office.  The only people who didn’t attend that movie were the ones confused by the title and thought it was about Newt Gingrich at a buffet line.

According to a government report Obamacare is going to cost nearly twice as much as the president originally said it would.  Obama brushed that off by saying, “Don’t believe anything the government tells you.”

Obama has made a new campaign promise to actually DO something rather than to just give speeches  about doing something.  Of course, so far he’s only giving speeches about it.

Supposedly, Kim Kardashian is thinking of adopting a child.  A lot of teenage boys in orphanages are asking if she’ll be breast feeding.

Comedian, Gallagher, decided to retire after he had a heart attack.  He was told by doctors he could no longer smash watermelons with a sledgehammer on stage and he would be relegated to smashing grapes with a weight spoon.  So he figured , “Why bother.”

Tim Tebow will be bringing his holier than though attitude to the New York Jets, which has an offense with a lot of holes in it, so it should be a good match.

Dick Cheney had a heart transplant.  As soon as he’s well enough he’s going to search for the Wizard of Oz and the hope is he can get a brain and some courage (so he can deal with people without waterboarding them) and then he might actually become a whole person.

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