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Best of the Late Night Jokes – 11/13/09

Here are some of the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians: “It’s been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” –Conan...

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Obama’s Disapproval Rating

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 23-09-2010

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I’m waiting for the liberal media to start doing the polls according to how many people disapprove of President Obama just so they can say high numbers when they mention his name.

Obama’s approval rating is getting so low so fast it’s almost like he’s in an airplane and he’s coming in for a landing and he’s about to be at ground level, or zero, right at about election time, which is good news for the country and bad news for the Democrats.  Funny how those two things are inversely proportional.

Most of the incumbent congressmen are in the same boat.  Harry Reid, Obama’s chief suck-up in the Senate, is up for re-election in Nevada, where I happen to live.  His disapproval rating is so strong that the only time you hear Harry Reid and a form of the word approval is in his TV commercials when he says he approves of the messages.  If a miracle does occur and Harry happens to win his election I am going to move out of Nevada.  I was going to be moving anyway but it really sounds macho to say that and be able to carry it out.

It’s a shame that Obama’s not a medical doctor so he would have had to have taken the Hippocratic oath of “First do no harm.”  Although I’m pretty sure he would have altered it to say “First Bush should have done no harm.”

Somehow Obama keeps insisting that the economic situation would be so much worse if it was not for the stimulus program.  That’s like saying…no forget it.  I can’t think of anything that stupid to compare it to.

Okay, I have to give it a shot, here’s an attempt.  Al Gore would have been even more boring to hear about if he hadn’t tried to hit on several massage therapists.  Nope.  That doesn’t work either because there is actually a little bit of truth to that.

I hate to quit so soon.  Here’s another go.  If not for Obama’s speeches about hope and change Larry King would have even been a bigger sleaze bag and not only slept with his wife’s sister but her cousin too.   Oops, I’m told that is likely to have occurred anyway.  So another bad example.

All right, third time’s the charm.  Bill Clinton would have been a much worse husband if not for the fact that Hillary was such a bitch.  Wait a minute!  That is not even close to the analogy that I was going for. (Okay, I confess.  I wasn’t even trying for the analogy there I just wanted to say that Hillary was a bitch.  And while I’m at it let’s throw Nancy Pelosi under that bus as well.)

Obama has had so many bad ideas that by the time his presidency is over (in 2012) it will have proven to be such a clunker it will qualified to be sold under the cash for clunkers program… His presidency is so bad that even Obamacare couldn’t keep it alive…His presidency is so bad that by the time its over the administration will have screwed more people that Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and John Edwards combined.  Ba-dum-bump.

One thing we do know for sure.  The stimulus program did help create new jobs, even if it is only for the Republicans in the November election.

darnfunnyonline.com

Some More Obama Humor

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 19-05-2010

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Here are some jokes about Obama, Obamacare, etc.  They have anonymous  authors and a lot of them have been passed around a lot but they are funny if you appreciate Obama humor.

If John McCain was a Maverick, then Barack Obama is a GMC* Pacer. (*Government Motor Company)

Barack got his ObamaCare votes the old fashioned way. He bought ‘em.

Dear Lord, you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. You took my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett. You took my  favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite President is Barack Obama. Amen.

The Obama economy utilizes a system of carefully monitored checks and balances. He writes the checks, you pay the balance.

Obama is looking forward to retirement, so that he’ll finally have the time to actually read his new healthcare law.

Everyone who believes that ObamaCare will work is entitled to free psychological help.

Q. Why is the healthcare plan called ObamaCare instead of ObamaCares?

A. Because he doesn’t.

ObamaCare will provide taxpayers with plenty of bitter pills.

Obama just gave America a trillion dollar budget deficit. Let’s hope he never learns that there are numbers that come after a trillion.

Q. If the Obama administration was a football division, what would the teams be called?

A. The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers and the Lyings.

President Obama decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of an American farm, but the ceremony couldn’t get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head. Obama demanded to know why the flies wouldn’t leave, so the farmer explained to him, “Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses.” Obama angrily replied, “Hey, are you saying that I’m a horse’s ass?” The farmer answered, “No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse’s ass. It’s hard to fool them flies though.”

Q. Why is ObamaCare like an apple a day?
A. It keeps your doctor away.

darnfunnyonline.com

Congress, It’s like the Smell Coming From the Garbage Can

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 25-03-2010

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The Democrats in Congress and Obama are so intent on being right about health care that they got it passed even if it means many of them not being re-elected because of it.  So, finally, at least some good might come of this.

Nancy Pelosi said recently about the health care bill, ”We have to pass this bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”  And Obama said the other day, “I haven’t read the bill yet, but we need to pass it.”  This kind of makes you think Congress  and Obama are like the Forrest Gumps of politicians saying, “Obamacare is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna  get.”

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she said that this would be the most ethical Congress ever.  But associating Congress with ethics is like associating Al Gore with charisma.  There is actually an Ethics Committee in Congress and I‘m assuming they are on the lookout for anyone there being ethical.  So far they’ve found no one.

But a congressman trying to find ethics it’s pretty much like a caveman trying to discover fire.  It’s something you’ve never seen before so you really don’t know what it looks like.  It compares to Tiger Wood discovering fidelity or Lady Gaga finding normalcy.

From many of the actions that Congress takes you’d think their collective IQs would have a hard time topping summer temperatures in Alaska.  It makes you want to propose a reality show to the networks about Congress – Are You Smarter than Sandpaper?  But the fact is that many of them are really intelligent people but when the mold was made for those people they forgot to provide space for that thing we talked about earlier in the article – ethics (but on Nancy Pelosi instead of ethics they put botox.)

Intelligence without ethics is how you get “brilliant” pieces of work like a stimulus package to spend your way of debt.

Let’s just listen in on an interview with a Congressman that never made it to air (because the “ethics” committee wouldn’t allow it):

Interviewer:  What do you think is the biggest problem we face today, healthcare or unemployment?

Congressman:  Neither one, it’s being re-elected.

Interviewer:  How is that a problem for the citizens of the United States?

Congressman:  Oh, I didn’t know we were talking about them. I thought we were talking about me.  In that case I think the biggest problem is either steroid in sports or replacing the BCS system with a playoff in college football.

Interviewer:  Why would those things be important to Congress?

Congressman:  Well, first of all, Miss smarty pants interviewer, they are subjects where it makes Congress looks like we really care about something and so it makes us look good.  And second it’s something we can’t really get in trouble for.  Even though a lot of us take steroids and really, any type of drug you could imagine, legal or illegal, we aren’t professional athletes, so it takes the limelight off of us and puts it somewhere else.

Interviewer:  But how do those things fall under your jurisdiction?

Congressman:  I guess you aren’t listening.  I already said it makes us look good and that is our biggest jurisdiction.

At that time a couple of Secret Service agent swept in and carted the interviewer off, never to be heard from again.

And with that said, it would be nice if we could just get rid of these guys by “unfriending” them in our Facebook accounts but at least we can vote them out in the next election.

darnfunnyonline.com

British Sex Life and American Politics

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 15-10-2009

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I recently read an article in the newspaper saying that three-fourths of British couples were too tired at the end of the day to have sex.  Given the Brits reputation for bad teeth I’m guessing it was not because they were preoccupied with flossing and brushing their choppers that kept them from sex.  Come to think of it, maybe it was the bad teeth that made them “too tired” to want to have sex.

This same article said that the British were getting so lazy that more than a third of those surveyed would not run to catch a bus.  In Las Vegas, where I live, we have that handled.  There are pictures of semi-naked girls on the buses so we not only run to catch them we have cars crashing all around them from people staring,  which also makes it easier to catch the bus because the traffic slows down.

Back to the too tired for sex thing, we Americans have that handled too.  We invented penile implants so when we’re too tired for an erection the implants take care of it.  And since most of our plastic surgeons are perverts the implants have the women thinking these implants are “too big to fail” so they feel obligated to “give more”, as it were.  Wow, the American sex life sounds strangely like the Obama administration.  Well, that does make sense since the American people are definitely getting screwed and the administration is run by a bunch of dicks.

Speaking of congressmen, (at least that’s what I thought of when I wrote the last sentence) it seems they have no trouble finding time or energy for sex.  Of course I’m referring to their extramarital affairs.  If we interviewed their wives we may find a lot more references to the “Biggest Loser” than we’d get to “Dancing with the Stars”.  But when a congressman meets an attractive woman (that is not his wife) his first thoughts go to “Deal or No Deal”, while the woman is thinking “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader”.   Ladies, the answer is they are smarter but they have less ethics and integrity, because those are the qualifications to even run for congress.

Again, returning to the British sex life.  I can just imagine a conversation a British couple may have as they crawl into bed into bed for the night (insert heavy English accent):

Man: Would you like to have sex tonight?

Woman: That depends, have you brushed your teeth?

Man: Well no, of course not.

Woman: Well, you better “pull the plug” on that idea then.

Man: That’s fine, you remind me of my granny anyway.

(In case you missed it, that was a reference to Obama healthcare there.  I do apologize for that one but I can’t resist it, whenever I think of getting screwed I think of the Obama administration.  My bad.)

All this talk about congress and the Obama administration makes me think of socialism, which, now that I think about it, goes right along with the typical congressman’s ideas of sex.  We should all give equally, at least the women to him.  And, of course, for some congressmen that would also include young boys or anyone in a restroom stall.

In that same newspaper article about the British being too lazy to have sex it said that sex can be great exercise.  Now I’ sure some of you readers are now thinking, “But, I like to work out alone.”  You should know that in this case “working out” with a “work out partner” is far more beneficial.  But first, don’t forget to brush your teeth.

 

 darnfunnyonline.com

Random Thoughts on Obama Healthcare

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 13-10-2009

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Here are a few short thoughts on Obama healthcare:

With Obama healthcare it’s going to feel like every doctor is a proctologist because if it passes every time you go to the doctor you’ll feel like someone is poking you in the ass.

With Obama healthcare we’ll be able to add to the cliché “nothing is certain but death and taxes” and “long waits to see the doctor that will just piss you off after you do see him anyway, and it will increase your taxes, and…oh, never mind”.

We know Ted Kennedy helped write the new health care proposals before he died so there is a very good chance that there is something about free boob jobs in the small print somewhere.

If Obama healthcare passes you can bet there will be a lot more people getting free health care at the exact same place Ted Kennedy is now receiving his health care.

One of the biggest worries with the new healthcare proposals is that there will be an increase in fraud .  Gosh and  geewillikers, it’s hard to believe anything that originates in Washington D.C. would be associated with fraud.

I understand the undertakers and casket makers are 2 of the biggest lobbies pushing for this health care plan.

Obama has promised that his healthcare proposals will not raise taxes, but the American people are too smart for that and they have responded to Obama about taxes with a pithy reply of “up yours”.

 

 darnfunnyonline.com

Obama Health Care

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 10-09-2009

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Obama’s health care programs are back in the news in full force so at http://darnfunnyonline.com we’ll do our best to keep laughing at it. (As hard as that may be at times.)

“President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Then, there was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.” –Conan O’Brien

“But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens.” –Conan O’Brien