Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 19-01-2012
This week I had some computer troubles. Being a man, I was, of course, confident that I could fix it myself. So, as I’m sure you can guess, I went to my tool box and got my most trustworthy tool, duct tape, and decided to get started.
As you might be guessing by now, duct tape is actually the only tool in my tool box. Truthfully , it’s not so much a tool box as it is a drawer…in the kitchen, that has a lot of other important fix up stuff such as scotch tape, (I’m seeing a trend here that sticky stuff is important in repairing things) thumb tacks and matches. The matches are kind of a last resort, if you can’t fix it you can at least have fun melting it down.
My computer had a virus. It was kind of disgusting as it was sneezing, coughing up phlegm and there was about a box of used Kleenexes all around the floor of my desk. Still, I was not to be deterred. First, I exhausted all of the geek type methods of fixing a computer, i.e. looking at the screen while moving the mouse around deftly with a hard, determined look on my face like I really know what I’m doing , just in case anybody was watching me. It’s true, I have people come from miles around just to watch me work on my computer. There is a grandstand set up in my office just for that purpose.
After my forehead started hurting from faking that determined look so well and I had used up the extensive methods I knew of by using the mouse (exactly one) I decided to resort to my mechanical skills. That’s right, it was time to open up the computer and stare at the insides, again, like I knew what I was doing. This was a talent I had developed long ago when I would “fix” my car.
Naturally, fixing a car is a lot different than a computer because it’s bigger and there are a lot more things to stare at in a knowing fashion. As I started opening the computer up some dramatic background music started to play and was getting louder…bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa. Even I felt the drama and I KNEW I had less than a one percent chance of fixing anything. I looked around and thought instinctively, “Where the heck is that coming from?”
At first I figured it was one of my fans in the grandstand seats, but strangely, they were empty. I went back to work. The music got louder and louder. My adrenaline was pumping. Finally, it became too much. I got off the floor. My computer got a reprieve from my skillful hands. I went into the other room and discovered that someone was watching an episode of Glee and they were doing a dramatic song. I was comforted in knowing that, even if I was unable to fix the computer, I was able to, at least, solve that mystery.
Now back at the computer, I was on this case once again. I had her opened, wide open. I did my stare. Strangely, I felt like nothing had been repaired. This called for drastic measures. I decided to loosen some screws. By the time I had the third one off I came to the conclusion that, “I had no freaking idea what I was going to do so put the screws back in before it’s too late.”
I had already gone through all the swear words that I knew, multiple times, so there was only one thing left to do…call someone who really knew what they were doing. Fortunately, that method worked and before long my computer was disease free and working normally again.
As I leaned against the wall, I proudly realized that I had a lot to do with it getting fixed. I did make the call to the competent person, after all. I confidently looked at my curled up fingers, blew on my nails and wiped them off on my shirt. I felt I should put my signature on this job like a painter does with his art work, even if I only did it symbolically. So, I tore off a little piece of duct tape and pasted it onto the corner of the computer. Job completed!