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In matters of the heart guys are actually much saner than women…Well, maybe not but it at least sounded like a good thesis for debate.

When you think about it men will actually dote on women more and do things for them, especially manly things like heavy lifting (when our backs aren’t hurting)  and pretending to know how to fix things around the house before we secretly end up calling a professional to really fix it, than women do.  Okay, okay, I can hear the women groaning as you read this but you have to admit there is at least a measure of truth to that when we think we’ll be rewarded with sex.

And, truthfully, if we think the sex will be extra special we’ll put on a maid’s outfit (unfortunately, for some the maid’s outfit is all the reward they need) and clean the whole house if we have to.  This is where the women have us at an unfair advantage because they know we are stupid enough to go to any extreme if sex is involved.

Proof positive that men are of a very sensitive nature can be had by walking into any sports bar after the home town team has lost a game.  There will be a lot of crying going on in that place, my friend, even if it is into their beer, but still!

I, myself, am a very sensitive guy and this is not just where it concerns me directly but about other people too.  For example, when I see a pregnant woman it often brings tears to my eyes.  It lets me know that a man recently had sex with that woman and that is always a heartwarming experience.  So, not only sensitive but unselfish too.  Wow!

We give and we give and this is just for the promise of sex.  The woman doesn’t always deliver (I dare say in some cases, often doesn’t) but we still keep doing things for her because we have hope.

(Wait, we’re still talking about matters of the heart, right?  Whatever, a man’s heart, as well as his brain are both located in the crotch.)

I know the women reading this are probably thinking of all the sacrifices they make for their spouses and their entire families because they love them and all of this goes unappreciated and taken for granted…WELL, DUH!  It’s just expected from you women, that’s what taken for granted means.

When we men do something sweet and unselfish we make a big deal out of it so everyone knows it and we can inflate our egos.  We make such a big deal out of it that the women don’t want us to do this nice stuff too often so they have to hear about it long afterward.  It’s all part of our master plan.  You women were just more responsible and that’s why you get taken for granted because it was just expected.  We men already scored on sensitive and unselfish, so let’s add brilliant to that too.

Men are also very competitive so it’s a good thing we won (at least according to my calculations) because if we had lost, due to our extremely sensitive nature, we probably would have cried about it, even if it was into our beer.

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Dear God,

It’s me, Adam.  I, being a man and your ultimate creation, don’t really like to complain, but I feel a need to voice my opinion.  It seems like you made Eve with a few too many flaws.  Of course I love her, but there are times when she can be just a little too grumpy.  It seems to occur at regular intervals every month.  It seems like a basic flaw in the design.  I’m pretty mechanically inclined, being a man, so if you’d like some help on fixing that I’d like to offer my services.

The next thing is, again, not complaining because you know I never do, but it seems like Eve tends to nag a little too much.  After a long day of work in the Garden of Eden I like to come home and relax.  The problem is as soon as Eve sees me sitting on my reclining chair with my feet propped up she thinks I should be doing something around the house like painting or fixing something.  Maybe, in the new design you could have the women do those kinds of chores.  I think the men of future generations will thank me for making that request.

Next up, and you know I’m not a complainer, but, Eve seems to whine an awful lot.  If she’s not happy, nobody is going to be happy.  If she doesn’t like some situation she just tends to complain and go on and on about it no matter what.  I can give her an infinite amount of solutions but she’ll just tell me how they would never work, without her ever trying them.  It can get very frustrating.

Lastly, as we know our language has not developed very far yet, since we don’t have a word to describe this next thing, I’m going to have to coin a new word to describe it.  It seem like what she frequently does should be called “bitching.”  Yeah, I don’t know why but that just feels like an accurate description of the way she tends to act.  I guess the bitching, boy I really like that word, could be summed up to include all the things I already mentioned.

Well, God, I want to thank you very much for listening.  You know I’m not complaining here, because then I’d be doing exactly what I accused Eve of doing.  As we know I’m not a bitch.  There is a word that Eve has come up with to call me, which is “Asshole” and I have to say I’m not really fond of that name.  I’m pretty sure she’s not using it a complimentary way.  Then again you didn’t make her perfect like you made me so maybe she does intend it as a compliment, who knows?  I can’t really figure women out.

I know you told me before you accidentally dropped the mold that you made me from and it broke it so you were unable to make Eve as perfect as I am.  But, then again, since you did make me so perfect maybe I could help you fix up the pattern for Eve.  It’s an idea anyway.

Well, thanks for listening God, we’ll be in touch.  Hopefully you’ll consider my offer before you make too many more models of these women.  If there were a lot of women and they were doing this bitching thing it may be tough for future men to bear.  Just in case you turn down my offer, though, I’ve been thinking of an invention that will help men in the future cope with the bitching.  It would be a thing called a “bar.”

Sincerely,

Adam

Dear Adam,

I think you should know, I’m actually a woman.

Sincerely,

God

Dear God,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam

(Side note from God: “I’m neither a man or a woman but it sure was fun to yank Adam’s chain.  I think I’ll call that ‘humor’”)

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I recently saw a study that says seniors are still having sex well into their 80’s.  They may not remember if they enjoyed it, or who they did it with, but they sure do remember having it.  It said 38% of men and 17% of women in their 80’s were sexually active.  So apparently men, even at that age are going to the bars and exaggerating their sexual conquests, or there are some old ladies who are carrying more than their fair share of the load.  As the saying goes, “a woman’s work is never done”.

Sex takes way too much of most people’s attention.  In fact, for some men the only time they are not thinking about sex is when they are actually having it.  For women it is more talking about men’s desire for sex and laughing at the men, thinking that they have them all figured out…then they eventually sometimes regain their sanity.

You see, women think there is something to figure out about men but there really isn’t.  If you could see inside the typical man’s mind you’d see…SeX…sports…SEx…eat…SEX…sports again…take a dump… and also a lot more SEX.  And that’s about it.  Oh and I did forget beer for some of them too.  It really doesn’t get a whole lot more complicated than that.

But if you looked into a woman’s mind it would be a whole different story…”What is he thinking?”…”What is she thinking?”… “Does my ass look big in these jeans?”…”Why did he look at me like that?”…”Was he just flirting with me?”…”Should I have sex with him?”… “Am I gaining weight?”…”Yes, my ass is definitely too fat for these jeans.”…ad infinitum.

Men enjoy simple things.  For example, we like to hear facts like a male rat will have sex 20 times a day. (John Edwards is a perfect example which proves that one.)  Or that the male lion will often have sex up to 50 times a day.  (Ah, yes.  It is good to be the king.)

A woman is way more likely to complicate those simple facts and ask, ”What is that male lion thinking about when he is making all these conquests.  Is he trying to prove his masculinity? I wonder if that lion would think my ass is too big for these jeans?”  You get the idea.

Again, men are simple beings.  Yes, it is true that some of us are idiots too but that just adds to our charm.  We really aren’t thinking anything at all complex when women are trying to figure out what we are thinking.  Very often we are just staring off into space.  Many times men don’t think of what we are saying before we say it and that often gets us in trouble with women.  The woman then thinks we have some sinister plot going on, that’s why we said that mean thing.  The fact is we were just too stupid to think that thought through to an end and it gets us in trouble.

So, women, you will have to forgive us and please stop thinking we have more on our minds than we do.  We are not actually that complicated.  But while we may not always be as smart as you, we are also not complete morons.  We are never going to give you an honest answer on the question, “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  Because we still do want to have sex with you.

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