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Here are some jokes based on the news from last week:

Nancy Pelosi received threats from the public last week but she was not intimidated until somebody told her they were going to cut off her supply of Botox.

Tiger Woods is back in bed with Nike which reportedly has Callaway Golf threatening to hit him with their clubs.

KFC has a new product called Double Down.  It has bacon and cheese wrapped in 2 pieces of fried chicken.  They serve this meal with napkins that have last rites written on them.

The United States and Russia have agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenals.  We are still waiting to hear from  Joe Biden as to whether this is a big f____ ing deal or not.

Last week a man robbed a bank and stole a car that had two dogs in it.  Word has it he was just testing out Obamacare to see if it covered dog bites.

New models of cars are getting smaller while the people are getting fatter.  This is the car makers strategy to use less gas, if they can’t get in them, they can’t drive them.  Also, if you don’t drive them, we don’t have to do recalls.

Kate Gosselin is refusing to quit “Dancing with the Stars” but as with many of our congressman this fall, it’s not her decision to make.

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Today we will attempt to go where no man has gone before (and after we’re done may never ever want to do so again.)  You are about to enter the DEM-ZONE.

Alert readers are probably thinking, “What the hell is the DEM-ZONE and why would I want to enter it.”

My answer, using the best cryptic voice I can muster, is, “Ha,ha,ha,haaaa.” (Actually that was a way of stalling while I try to come up with a good answer.) “The DEM-ZONE is the mind of the liberal democratic congressman, a dangerous and mysterious place.” (Now moving from the cryptic voice to a little bit of a wimpy voice) “Plus…I just kinda thought it would be a fun thing to do.”

I will be your guide as we go through the tour.  As we enter, there’s actually a lot of empty space in here and where there is stuff it seems to be all cluttered up.  Aha, there is our first area of substance.  The object looks to be a printing press of some kind…oh, I see, they are printing money and then the thing right next to that is a furnace with a guy throwing money right off the printing press into the furnace.  Upon closer inspection I see a plaque that says, ”Invented by Al Gore.”

My only assumption can be that Al invented this money burning device (or at least took credit for it) so that it would cause global warming,  and he could take credit for discovering that.  Plus, let’s not forget his Internet invention too.  Now, Al Gore’s mind would be too scary of a place to go into. Can you imagine some of the freaky science fiction going on in there?

Anyway, back to our tour.  The next thing I see seems to be very similar to one of the scenes at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland where a pirate is chasing one of the townswomen around and around in a circle.  Except in the DEM-ZONE it is a Democratic congressman chasing a skirt around and around in a circle.

To be fair, there are some Republicans waiting in line for that ride as well.  There seems to be some alternatives to that little ride that a few of the Republicans are going to.  For example, there is a door to a strip club and also a door to a bathroom stall.  Maybe these different party congressmen are not so different after all, unfortunately.

Next, we see a hospital.  Interestingly enough, it is surrounded by a drug factory, a casket factory and a cemetery.  Not too surprisingly there are a lot of people from those industries lined up to put money in the congressman’s back pocket.  So much for the healthcare bill.

I think I’ve had enough of this tour, but I should note as we leave the DEM-ZONE that there is a statue of Obama in there.  Funny, but someone seems to have painted a Hitler type mustache on him, either a Republican or one of the Democrats that he pissed off did it while no one was looking.  Anyway, all the democratic congressman are on their knees bowing to Obama.  Oh wait, there are two people behind the statue as well… Oh, I see,  it’s Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, they are kissing a location of the statue that I’d rather not mention.

Wow, I’m glad that’s done.  I feel a little slimy and dirty after that trip.  Kind of sick too.  But I think I’ll let that be my own secret lest someone tries to heal me up with Obamacare.  I think I’ll just settle for a nice hot bath.

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The Democrats in Congress and Obama are so intent on being right about health care that they got it passed even if it means many of them not being re-elected because of it.  So, finally, at least some good might come of this.

Nancy Pelosi said recently about the health care bill, ”We have to pass this bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”  And Obama said the other day, “I haven’t read the bill yet, but we need to pass it.”  This kind of makes you think Congress  and Obama are like the Forrest Gumps of politicians saying, “Obamacare is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna  get.”

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she said that this would be the most ethical Congress ever.  But associating Congress with ethics is like associating Al Gore with charisma.  There is actually an Ethics Committee in Congress and I‘m assuming they are on the lookout for anyone there being ethical.  So far they’ve found no one.

But a congressman trying to find ethics it’s pretty much like a caveman trying to discover fire.  It’s something you’ve never seen before so you really don’t know what it looks like.  It compares to Tiger Wood discovering fidelity or Lady Gaga finding normalcy.

From many of the actions that Congress takes you’d think their collective IQs would have a hard time topping summer temperatures in Alaska.  It makes you want to propose a reality show to the networks about Congress – Are You Smarter than Sandpaper?  But the fact is that many of them are really intelligent people but when the mold was made for those people they forgot to provide space for that thing we talked about earlier in the article – ethics (but on Nancy Pelosi instead of ethics they put botox.)

Intelligence without ethics is how you get “brilliant” pieces of work like a stimulus package to spend your way of debt.

Let’s just listen in on an interview with a Congressman that never made it to air (because the “ethics” committee wouldn’t allow it):

Interviewer:  What do you think is the biggest problem we face today, healthcare or unemployment?

Congressman:  Neither one, it’s being re-elected.

Interviewer:  How is that a problem for the citizens of the United States?

Congressman:  Oh, I didn’t know we were talking about them. I thought we were talking about me.  In that case I think the biggest problem is either steroid in sports or replacing the BCS system with a playoff in college football.

Interviewer:  Why would those things be important to Congress?

Congressman:  Well, first of all, Miss smarty pants interviewer, they are subjects where it makes Congress looks like we really care about something and so it makes us look good.  And second it’s something we can’t really get in trouble for.  Even though a lot of us take steroids and really, any type of drug you could imagine, legal or illegal, we aren’t professional athletes, so it takes the limelight off of us and puts it somewhere else.

Interviewer:  But how do those things fall under your jurisdiction?

Congressman:  I guess you aren’t listening.  I already said it makes us look good and that is our biggest jurisdiction.

At that time a couple of Secret Service agent swept in and carted the interviewer off, never to be heard from again.

And with that said, it would be nice if we could just get rid of these guys by “unfriending” them in our Facebook accounts but at least we can vote them out in the next election.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some jokes based on this last week’s news:

There was a lady who weighs 600lbs. and she wants to gain another 400 lbs so that she can be the fattest woman ever.  In related news, Congress wants to pass one more stupid bill so they can be called the most stupid Congress ever.

Joe Biden is happy that Nancy Pelosi said we’ll have to pass the health care bill to find out what’s in it.  He said, “Finally, I’m not the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on.”

In other healthcare news, Donald Trump called Obama and asked if fixing his hair would be covered in the new healthcare.

Obama told him, “I have no idea, no one really knows what’s in the bill, we’ll find out soon.”

After the healthcare bill passed Nancy Pelosi’s face muscles went into spasm because they had never experienced a natural smile before.

In a recent Gallup poll 80% of the people said they disapprove of what Congress is doing, the other 20% just abstained from voting because they were mistresses and illegitimate children of congressmen.

Obama is claiming a victory because 80% had to be a non-partisan majority, just like he claimed he’d get when he ran for President.

And finally, it looks like Sandra Bullock and Jessie James marriage is on the rocks.  He was cheating on her with a tattoo artist.  Apparently he could read what his girlfriend was writing on his body but he was unable to read the writing on the wall.

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I recently read an article in the newspaper saying that three-fourths of British couples were too tired at the end of the day to have sex.  Given the Brits reputation for bad teeth I’m guessing it was not because they were preoccupied with flossing and brushing their choppers that kept them from sex.  Come to think of it, maybe it was the bad teeth that made them “too tired” to want to have sex.

This same article said that the British were getting so lazy that more than a third of those surveyed would not run to catch a bus.  In Las Vegas, where I live, we have that handled.  There are pictures of semi-naked girls on the buses so we not only run to catch them we have cars crashing all around them from people staring,  which also makes it easier to catch the bus because the traffic slows down.

Back to the too tired for sex thing, we Americans have that handled too.  We invented penile implants so when we’re too tired for an erection the implants take care of it.  And since most of our plastic surgeons are perverts the implants have the women thinking these implants are “too big to fail” so they feel obligated to “give more”, as it were.  Wow, the American sex life sounds strangely like the Obama administration.  Well, that does make sense since the American people are definitely getting screwed and the administration is run by a bunch of dicks.

Speaking of congressmen, (at least that’s what I thought of when I wrote the last sentence) it seems they have no trouble finding time or energy for sex.  Of course I’m referring to their extramarital affairs.  If we interviewed their wives we may find a lot more references to the “Biggest Loser” than we’d get to “Dancing with the Stars”.  But when a congressman meets an attractive woman (that is not his wife) his first thoughts go to “Deal or No Deal”, while the woman is thinking “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader”.   Ladies, the answer is they are smarter but they have less ethics and integrity, because those are the qualifications to even run for congress.

Again, returning to the British sex life.  I can just imagine a conversation a British couple may have as they crawl into bed into bed for the night (insert heavy English accent):

Man: Would you like to have sex tonight?

Woman: That depends, have you brushed your teeth?

Man: Well no, of course not.

Woman: Well, you better “pull the plug” on that idea then.

Man: That’s fine, you remind me of my granny anyway.

(In case you missed it, that was a reference to Obama healthcare there.  I do apologize for that one but I can’t resist it, whenever I think of getting screwed I think of the Obama administration.  My bad.)

All this talk about congress and the Obama administration makes me think of socialism, which, now that I think about it, goes right along with the typical congressman’s ideas of sex.  We should all give equally, at least the women to him.  And, of course, for some congressmen that would also include young boys or anyone in a restroom stall.

In that same newspaper article about the British being too lazy to have sex it said that sex can be great exercise.  Now I’ sure some of you readers are now thinking, “But, I like to work out alone.”  You should know that in this case “working out” with a “work out partner” is far more beneficial.  But first, don’t forget to brush your teeth.

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Obama’s health care programs are back in the news in full force so at http://darnfunnyonline.com we’ll do our best to keep laughing at it. (As hard as that may be at times.)

“President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Then, there was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, ‘pull the plug on Grandma.’ Apparently, Obama’s plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.” –Conan O’Brien

“But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens.” –Conan O’Brien