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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Bachmann says she wants to end things that are ‘vulgar and a detriment to society.’ She’s talking about me, right?” –David Letterman

“It’s 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign.” –David Letterman

“Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to ‘pray away the gay.’ They want gay guys to think outside the bun.” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos.” –Jay Leno

“The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.” –Jay Leno

“The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey.” –Jay Leno

“Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.” –Jay Leno

“A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California.  Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: ‘North Mexico.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, ‘It takes two to tango.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he’s going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He’s going to star in a new Western. I think it’s called ‘Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.’ ‘Somebody has to clean up this town. Who’s going to clean it up? Where’s the maid?’” –Craig Ferguson

“We’re three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can’t find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs.” –Jon Stewart

“Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages.” –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

“The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.” –Jay Leno

“A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn’t that the marriage pledge?” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps.” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, ‘I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s definitely an American.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Eliot Spitzer’s show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?” –David Letterman

“In the media business, being evil isn’t always a bad thing (referring to Robert Murdoch). There’s also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. ” –Craig Ferguson

“One of Murdoch’s tabloids was hacking people’s phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working.” –Craig Ferguson

“Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It’s always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of ‘Larry King Live.’” –Craig Ferguson

A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million. –Jay Leno

We’re getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2. How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2? –Jay Leno

President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. –Jay Leno

It’s so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs. –David Letterman

They’re going to announce the Emmy Awards for television honors. It’s a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers. –David Letterman

Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done. –David Letterman

The world’s steepest roller coaster opened in Japan. It goes 80 mph and flips upside down seven times. It’s like carpooling with Mel Gibson. –Craig Ferguson

There’s talk that Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, will be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Which explains the show’s new title, “Dancing With the Non-star Parents of Former Stars.” –Jimmy Fallon

Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, “Saks Dirt Road.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Jon Stewart:

“Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal called ‘Weinergate.’ And then it happens.” –Conan O’Brien

“51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it.” –Conan O’Brien

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, ‘Don’t worry, I sent her a text.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’” –Conan O’Brien|

“What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation?” –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

“Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Mitt Romney: I’m Good For Your Brain.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is predicting that the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means: nothing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it’s resignation, and then you appear on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’” –David Letterman

“Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment came when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she’d like to see his wienerschnitzel.” –Jay Leno

“People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he’s sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s top economic adviser, a man named Austan Goolsbee, is stepping down: He will be replaced by something a little more effective…the magic 8-ball.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said today he’s not concerned about a double dip recession. He’s more concerned the recovery we’re in is not creating enough jobs. In fact, do you know what you call a recovery that isn’t creating enough jobs? A recession.” –Jay Leno

“The beautiful star of the TV show ‘Mad Men,’ January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, ‘Why can’t I meet women like this?’” –Jay Leno

“Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I’d hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman.” –Craig Ferguson

“This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door…Now they send it right to your house.” –Jay Leno

“A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they’re very short messages. Like cocktail wieners.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, ‘What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?’” –Jay Leno

“Today Moammar Gaddafi said he is going to fight to the death. Works for me.” –Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you’re going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week.” –David Letterman

“Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure.” –David Letterman

“It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, ‘I don’t know.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, ‘So it looks like they do want to start a family.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, ‘Uh oh.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, ‘Thank you God! This is the best week ever!’” –Jimmy Fallon
“And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man’s crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner’s Twitter followers. Do they even have to say ‘lewd.’ I mean, are there tasteful photos of men’s crotches?” –Jay Leno

“The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.” –Jay Leno

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Here are more of the best jokes about Democrats over the last year or so from the late night comedians:

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn’t that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.” —Conan O’Brien

”CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama’s face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.” —Seth Meyers

”I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” —Craig Ferguson

”Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.” —Conan O’Brien

”Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, ‘Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”’ —Conan O’Bien

”That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” —Jay Leno

”It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.” —Jon Stewart

”President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.” —Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations based on the current events over the past week:

In addition to pat-downs by airport security a manual body search will include sliding of the hand up and down the inside of the thigh.  Airlines are expecting increased traffic from male clientele so they are using this opportunity to charge an added fee of $50 for a happy ending.

The stars of Jersey Shore will reportedly be included on Barbara Walters list of most fascinating people of 2010.  It seems fitting the entire cast combined would only make up one fascinating person.

Justin Bieber was caught in the back seat of his parent’s car making out with a girl.  Fortunately, he was practicing safe sex, he was wearing mittens.

Police in Seattle arrested a man in the park after he was caught having sex with his car.  I’m not sure how that would work but it does give a whole new meaning to four on the floor.

Charlie Sheen has said his whole situation was overblown.  I’m confused, isn’t that one of the things he paid the hooker to do?

A recent poll says 60% of American voters say it’s time for a fresh face in their congressional district.  Nancy Pelosi took this as a signal that she needed more Botox.

I saw a recent headline that said, “Republicans Say Obama Should Study What Bill Clinton Did.”  So, I guess they think he should drop his pants in the Oval Office with an Intern there.

The scariest Halloween costumes this year were trick-or-treaters who were dressed as incumbent politicians asking for votes.

Too bad Halloween is over.  The Democrats could have dressed as Republicans and they may have gotten more votes.

…And finally, let’s hope Republicans have the good manners to send Obama a thank you note for campaigning for the Democrats in the close elections which helped propel the Republicans to victory.

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This is an appropriately funny piece for the day before election that somebody sent to me:

*HEAVEN AND HELL*

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator..

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.*
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven..”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil smiles at him and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.”

Vote wisely on November 2, 2010*

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Here are some funny observations that were made after seeing what was happening this week in the news:

A recent study found that childhood obesity is linked to a cold virus.  That is especially true if the cold virus is on doughnuts, cookies and French fries.

Joe Biden made another verbal gaffe when he said he’s second in line to be president, but as vice-president he’s actually first in line.  But, as Joe would say, “It’s not a big f___ing deal.”

There is a rumor that Christine O’Donnell is opposed to meat hammers that chef will often use to soften a roast or something like that.  The thing is she is just opposed to anyone beating their meat.

But then there is another rumor about Christine O’Donnell.  She may be getting a little more aggressive about the masturbation thing.  She is changing her campaign slogan to “Forget about masturbation, just go out and get laid.”

People are calling Christine O’Donnell a witch.  It’s not like she’ll be the first one in Washington.  We’ve had Nancy Pelosi and Hillary for quite a while already.

The economy is getting so bad that Lady Gaga was seen recently wearing a dress made out of a combination of spam and liverwurst.

Mel Gibson is in talks about being a guest on ‘Mad Men”.  Talk about type casting.

According to a new theory related in a book about the Titanic, it hit an iceberg because of a steering error.  So apparently, they had Toyota engineers that helped build the Titanic.

…And finally, this is merely an observation and not really a joke but Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for Democrats.  But is that really going to help the Dems?  Bill has almost become a caricature of himself.  I’ll be expecting him to soon be walking around with girls on each arm like Hugh Hefner.  I guess the real joke in this last paragraph is that if Bill Clinton is campaigning for them, the joke is on the Democrats.

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Here are some funny observations based on the news over the last week:

Senate candidate, Christine O’Donnell has come out against masturbation.  This really shocked all the current members of Congress.  They are now hopeful that she doesn’t say something bad about blow jobs and hookers or most of them will no longer have a reason to be in politics at all if that’s the case.

Many of the congressmen were aghast that she brought up the subject at all.  Some of them were wondering if she was including all forms of masturbation like, for example, the kind that Congress is doing to the American public.

Apparently she thought this was a good way to get in touch with the American public and she wanted to make sure they weren’t touching themselves before she got in touch.

The Democrats think to ban masturbation would be a terrible idea.  Why do that when you can tax it.  Just another way to jerk money out of the public’s hands.

Well, I think I’ve pleasured myself enough with these masturbation jokes.  But on a related subject, Tiger Woods has a new book coming out.  I believe it’s called “18 holes per day”.

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research the US has officially emerged from the recession in June of 2009.  Unfortunately they forgot to send that memo to the almost 10 % of the country that is unemployed.

Reportedly, the economists from the National Bureau of Economic Research all got their economics diplomas at K-Mart, Wal-Mart and other fine store where they are apparently sold.  And their research was done at the local bar.  This is a good lesson for the kids when they get to college – your calculators will not work properly if you spill alcohol on them when you are playing drinking games.

…And lastly, this is not news but still an interesting observation.  I was in LA area last week and I saw a banner hanging outside someone’s house that said “Trojans”.  I thought that was a weird place to sell condoms. Then I realized they were just fans of USC.  (But then again I bet the USC football program wishes they had been wearing some protection before they got penalized for the Reggie Bush incident a month ago.)

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Here are some more tax jokes from the late night comedians from the last few years.  Since this is election season it’s a good idea to remind the politicians what we think of their taxes:

“The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don’t pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn’t work that way with back taxes?” —Jay Leno

“We ought to thank President Obama. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.” —Jay Leno

“President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.” —Jay Leno

“Technically, you’re not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated.” —Jay Leno

“Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” —Jay Leno

“The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it’s a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy.” —Jay Leno

“At last night’s debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said ‘Hey, thanks for the new slogan.’” —Craig Kilborn

“Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.” —Conan O’Brien

“If your accountant is Arthur Anderson … today is the last day you could have your tax documents shredded by April 15th.” —David Letterman

“I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension.” —David Letterman

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“The House passed a bill where there’s a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that’s going to drive good people out of the fraud business.” –Bill Maher

“And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” –Jay Leno

“Another one of President Barack Obama’s nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.” –Craig Ferguson

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Since we are into the election season this is a good time to keep attention on one of the major issues of the coming election, taxes.  So here are some tax jokes from over the last few years from the late night comedians:

“It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” -Craig Ferguson

“The government is really asking a lot of us this month — first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home — then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry grandma.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Nobody likes taxes, but they’ve been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family’s frankincense.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“The IRS says it’s been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS’s ability to threaten people.” –Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is April 1, April Fools’ Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don’t confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?” –Jay Leno

“The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jay Leno

“Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” –Craig Ferguson

“So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” –Jay Leno

“Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I’m going to do. I’m filing my first joint return. No, I’m not getting married, I’m sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, ‘If you think I’m paying for this war, you must be high.’” –Bill Maher

“While [President Bush] was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, ‘Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.’” –Jay Leno

“Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes.” –Jay Leno

“65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” –Jay Leno

“President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay.” –-David Letterman

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Recently, Roger Clemens, former Major League baseball player, was indicted for perjury as a result of allegedly lying to Congress about steroid usage.  The absurdity that anyone could get in trouble for lying to Congress, the King of the Liars, was enough impetus to write this article.  If you walk into Congress I would think the atmosphere of chronic liars alone would make someone be compelled to lie.  It would be like walking through the desert, you’d feel compelled to drink water…you walk into Congress, you feel compelled to lie.

I mean, come on, most of those guys were lawyers, so it’s their training to lie.  It’s just what they do.  And then they wanted to become politicians on top of being lawyers.  It’s like taking the scum that is on top of the scum in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the pond that has accumulated scum and that is what the politicians are comparable to.  Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing…providing you are already a very low form of disease causing bacteria.

If Roger Clemens could have a private conversation with some members of Congress this is what I would expect it to be like:

Roger:  Let’s just assume I was lying, which I wasn’t, you guys lie to each other and the public all the time.  Why is okay for you guys?

Congressman #1:  When you believe your lies it is a whole different game. It makes it okay.  If you are really good at something you should do it.  Painters paint, singers sing and liars lie.

Roger:  That’s not fair.

Congressman #1:  Fair?  What does that have to do with anything?  This is politics and government.

Harry Reid:  I noticed you often appeared angry and intense when you were pitching.  Was that the result of steroids?

Roger:  I didn’t take steroids, so I wouldn’t know.

Harry Reid:  Darn it.  I was hoping it was true.  Heck, I would take them too if it was, even a bad personality is better than none like I have.

Nancy Pelosi:  Do you think steroid usage could be an effective replacement for Botox?  Not that I would have any interest in that.

Roger:  Now you’re lying, aren’t you?

Nancy Pelosi:  I don’t know what you mean?  Telling you that I’m lying goes against my Hippocratic oath…oh wait, that is the oath that doctors don’t keep.  (She turns to a fellow congressperson)  What oath do we take?

Fellow congressperson:  The oath to lie, of course.

Nancy Pelosi:  Yes, that’s right. I remember now.  If I answered your question the way you wanted me to I would be breaking my oath…what was the question anyway?

Roger:  Never mind.  I know you use Botox.

Nancy Pelosi:  That’s not true.  The nerves in my face are just dead from me beating myself up all the time for lying to my constituents.  But if you tell anyone that I’ll deny it, as any good congressperson would.

Roger:  What about Charles Rangle?  I’m betting you guys knew he was lying for a long time yet you did nothing until someone else exposed it.

Congressman #1:  He’s one of us.  We were elected to do the job we do.

Roger:  What, lie?

Congressman#1:  I’d be lying if I said yes, so, no.

Roger:  What does that even mean?

Congressman#1:  Exactly.

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