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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Centuries ago the Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012.  How do we know that wasn’t just some wild and crazy Mayan guys at a party pulling a practical joke?

President Obama’s campaign has just released a highlight reel of his top accomplishments.  Don’t worry it’s very short.  There’s an introduction, ending credits and that’s it.

In the event Obama does get re-elected in 2012 what would he actually do for the next four years?  The only thing he knows how to do effectively as President is run for office and he can’t run again in 2016.

According the National Enquirer Kobe Bryant cheated on his wife with 105 different women.  But by NBA standards that’s like being faithful.

Leaders in Saudia Arabia will start enforcing a law that allows females only to work in lingerie stores.  There has been a former rule that only men could work in lingerie stores but too many of the men were wearing panties on their heads and there were too many accidents where customers slipped in the puddles of drool left by the male workers.

Obama has announced that he wants to shrink the size of the military.  But he tells us not to worry because it won’t increase unemployment.  For every military man they get rid of they will hire two paper pushers to get the job done.

According to research a person’s brain power starts to diminish after 45, which explains a lot about  Congress since their average age is 58.

The Boston Globe has endorsed Jon Huntsman, of course, the endorsement was in the comics section of the paper.

A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.  When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, “It wasn’t me, was it?”

According to the National Enquirer, Chaz Bono told his mother, Cher, that he never wanted to see her again.  Cher said back to him, “Don’t worry, I’ll just have some more plastic surgery and you won’t even recognize me.”

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last.  We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.

A transgender woman in Miami, posing as a doctor, is accused of injecting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and “Fix-a-Flat” into a woman’s butt in order to fill it out.  Now people are wondering if this is what made Nancy Pelosi’s face the way it is, or is this, actually, her face we’ve been seeing?  It could be her ass.

I thought of writing an article for my web site about what Congress and the President are doing for the economy but there was nothing to write about so no article.

Congress recently declared pizza a vegetable for school lunches.  What’s next?  Are they going to say there is a Supercommittee in Congress?…Oh wait…

The current cost of the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” song now costs over $100k.  Congress heard about this and, keeping with THEIR Christmas spirit, they want to impose a tax anytime someone sings the song.

A man claimed his sperm was stolen last week.  But that’s what happens when you leave your stuff lying around.

Michael Lohan did not get arrested for anything last week but he did have to have heart surgery.  Lindsay was in shock.  She didn’t know her father had a heart.

The Kardashian Christmas special might be cancelled but I’m not going to let that ruin my holiday fun.  I’m still planning to have a big ass Christmas celebration.

The NBA strike is over and illegitimate children all over the country are cheering because their mothers will get to receive their child support payments from the players.

Oklahoma has had its sixth earthquake in four days.  Apparently Mother Nature thinks Oklahoma is the new California.  Either she thinks California and a few other states have already fallen into the ocean, she is on Psychiatric drugs or she is now working for the post office and the earthquake delivery got lost.

Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down.  Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail.  At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

P.E.T.A. says that turkeys are now so fat, they can’t stand up. They’re prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I’m sorry. That’s what the turkeys say about us. –Jay Leno
Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us. –Jay Leno
Police say the suspect is a citizen who was originally from the Dominican Republic. Apparently, officials became suspicious when they found someone from the Dominican Republic living in New York and not playing for the Yankees. –Jay Leno
Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle. –Jay Leno
When are these Republican debates going to stop? I mean, this would be the very reason to call for a dictatorship, just to put an end to these. –David Letterman

The suspected New York City bomber’s mother apologized. She said she was terribly embarrassed by her son and the . . . Oh, sorry, that’s my mom. –David Letterman
There’s talk that Facebook is building its own smart phone. Not to be outdone, there’s talk that MySpace is refurbishing an old beeper. –Jimmy Fallon
Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 7 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama. –Jimmy Fallon
Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads. –Jimmy Fallon
Microsoft is apparently designing rooms for a hotel in France. You can tell the rooms are from Microsoft. Every time you open the window, they just freeze and need to be reinstalled. –Jimmy Fallon
This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street. –Jimmy Kimmel
Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, “I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest “Behind the Music” special yet. –Jimmy Kimmel
If you think that’s bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left. –Jimmy Kimmel
The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn’t talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza. –Jimmy Kimmel
Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he’s the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing’s for sure, nobody’s ever going to accuse Rick Perry of
that. –Jay Leno

A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama’s easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a “gotcha” question. That’s when you know things are bad: When you’re attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media. –Jay Leno

Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he’d taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra. -Jay Leno

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us. -Jay Leno

Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair. –David Letterman

It’s Regis Philbin’s last day on the Regis show. I shouldn’t call it “the Regis show” because Kelly Ripa’s there. Two great hosts, but let’s be honest. One is mainly just eye candy. And the other one is Kelly Ripa. –Craig Ferguson

In New York, people actually camped out to see Regis’ last show. It looked like Occupy Wall Street. But Regis’ fans are a little bit older so it was more like Occupy Wal-Mart. –Craig Ferguson

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know — things and stuff. –Craig Ferguson

I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, “I can’t remember. Am I good or bad at debates?” –Jimmy Fallon

Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident in May where he drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and tackled a stranger, Busey was like, “You’re gonna have to be more specific.” –Jimmy Fallon

Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are a small sample of some jokes by the late night comedians about the liberals:

”Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That’s right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it’s already been slapped 12 times.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new study shows that the phrase most often used by President Obama is, ‘Let me be clear.’ The phrase he uses the least often? ‘Let me be specific.”’ —Jay Leno

”After Joe Wilson’s outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. … But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson’s behavior. This is Joe Biden we’re talking about. Joe Biden saying it’s embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you’ve had too much to drink.” —Craig Ferguson

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama’s face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.” —Seth Meyers

”In Austin, Texas, President Obama told an audience, ‘If you want to go forward you put your car in ‘D.’ If you want to go backward, you put your car in ‘R.” But you know something? Either way, the economy is still F’d.” —Jay Leno

”President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering.” —Conan O’Brien

”A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there.” —Conan O’Brien

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. … I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.” —Jay Leno

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Sometimes even when the truth hurts at least the pain is lessened because you can laugh about it.  A lot of these quotes are exactly like that.  They are eternal truths but said in a humorous way:

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless lawyer is a
shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
 -- John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But
then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt
he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop
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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

After the debt deal got done in Congress, the Democrats also wanted to strike another deal, while the mood was right, to let them start using the Republican’s bathroom.

In Louisiana, a drunk father was arrested for allegedly letting his 8 year-old son drive his pick-up truck on the Interstate while he slept.  He defended his action by saying, “What’s the big deal?  When I was his age I’d drive my daddy’s truck while having sex with my cousin.”

After the debt deal last week the only thing dropping faster than the stock market was Obama’s approval rating.

A Dunkin Donuts employee in New Jersey was arrested for prostitution.  It was all the result of a misunderstanding.  When her manager told her to go out there and sell some donut holes she just never heard the donut part.

Facebook is always changing and expanding so fast that some people just can’t keep up.  I’m afraid people are going to get confused and start poking their Farmville animals.

82% of those polled disapprove of Congress, a record low.  This means there are probably family, friends, and even the people who are bribing them that don’t approve of them.

President Obama has asked Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, to stay on board.  He figures with the advice he’s gotten from that guy he deserves to go down with the ship.

Geithner still wanted to leave, though, to work in the private sector.  Then he realized there were no jobs in the private sector.

The Treasury Secretary has accused Standard & Poors of making a grave error in downgrading the US credit rating.  He said their math was off by $2 trillion in estimating the size of the deficit over the next 10 years.  Apparently, Standard & Poors doesn’t use the same “bailout math” that the Treasury Department is used to.

After Standard &  Poors’ decision to downgrade the US credit rating President Obama said that the US will always be a AAA nation.  The Automobile Association was very grateful for the endorsement.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Bachmann says she wants to end things that are ‘vulgar and a detriment to society.’ She’s talking about me, right?” –David Letterman

“It’s 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign.” –David Letterman

“Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to ‘pray away the gay.’ They want gay guys to think outside the bun.” –Jay Leno

“It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos.” –Jay Leno

“The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.” –Jay Leno

“The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey.” –Jay Leno

“Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.” –Jay Leno

“A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California.  Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: ‘North Mexico.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, ‘It takes two to tango.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he’s going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He’s going to star in a new Western. I think it’s called ‘Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.’ ‘Somebody has to clean up this town. Who’s going to clean it up? Where’s the maid?’” –Craig Ferguson

“We’re three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can’t find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs.” –Jon Stewart

“Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages.” –Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

“The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.” –Jay Leno

“A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn’t that the marriage pledge?” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps.” –Jimmy Fallon

“On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, ‘I’m not sure if it’s a boy or a girl, but it’s definitely an American.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Eliot Spitzer’s show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?” –David Letterman

“In the media business, being evil isn’t always a bad thing (referring to Robert Murdoch). There’s also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. ” –Craig Ferguson

“One of Murdoch’s tabloids was hacking people’s phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working.” –Craig Ferguson

“Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It’s always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of ‘Larry King Live.’” –Craig Ferguson

A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million. –Jay Leno

We’re getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2. How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2? –Jay Leno

President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. –Jay Leno

It’s so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs. –David Letterman

They’re going to announce the Emmy Awards for television honors. It’s a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers. –David Letterman

Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done. –David Letterman

The world’s steepest roller coaster opened in Japan. It goes 80 mph and flips upside down seven times. It’s like carpooling with Mel Gibson. –Craig Ferguson

There’s talk that Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, will be on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.” Which explains the show’s new title, “Dancing With the Non-star Parents of Former Stars.” –Jimmy Fallon

Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, “Saks Dirt Road.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Jon Stewart:

“Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal called ‘Weinergate.’ And then it happens.” –Conan O’Brien

“51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it.” –Conan O’Brien

Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, ‘Don’t worry, I sent her a text.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’” –Conan O’Brien|

“What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation?” –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

“Democrats in Congress have been distancing themselves from the Anthony Weiner scandal. Just to be safe, everyone is staying a good 6 to 8 inches away at all times.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Mitt Romney: I’m Good For Your Brain.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is predicting that the economy will pick up in the second half of the year. So you know what that means: nothing.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it’s resignation, and then you appear on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’” –David Letterman

“Yesterday President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment came when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman asking if she’d like to see his wienerschnitzel.” –Jay Leno

“People wonder why Weiner engaged in such reckless behavior. If you wanted people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he’s sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama’s top economic adviser, a man named Austan Goolsbee, is stepping down: He will be replaced by something a little more effective…the magic 8-ball.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said today he’s not concerned about a double dip recession. He’s more concerned the recovery we’re in is not creating enough jobs. In fact, do you know what you call a recovery that isn’t creating enough jobs? A recession.” –Jay Leno

“The beautiful star of the TV show ‘Mad Men,’ January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, ‘Why can’t I meet women like this?’” –Jay Leno

“Today the porn star in question – talking about Anthony Weiner – apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I’d hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman.” –Craig Ferguson

“This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door…Now they send it right to your house.” –Jay Leno

“A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they’re very short messages. Like cocktail wieners.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, ‘What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?’” –Jay Leno

“Today Moammar Gaddafi said he is going to fight to the death. Works for me.” –Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you’re going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week.” –David Letterman

“Weiner wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Good luck with that. Governor, sure.” –David Letterman

“It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, ‘I don’t know.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, ‘So it looks like they do want to start a family.’” –Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, ‘Uh oh.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Lawmakers here in New York have proposed a new program to teach teenagers about the dangers of sexting. Seriously? How about a program to teach New York lawmakers about the dangers of sexting?” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been a crazy few days. First, Anthony Weiner admitted tweeting that photo of his crotch and John Edwards was indicted for covering up an affair. Or as Arnold Schwarzenegger put it, ‘Thank you God! This is the best week ever!’” –Jimmy Fallon
“And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man’s crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner’s Twitter followers. Do they even have to say ‘lewd.’ I mean, are there tasteful photos of men’s crotches?” –Jay Leno

“The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.” –Jay Leno

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Here are more of the best jokes about Democrats over the last year or so from the late night comedians:

”Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage.” —Jimmy Fallon

”A man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn’t that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.” —Conan O’Brien

”CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama’s face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown.” —Seth Meyers

”I don’t know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he’s not almost impeached for, for a change.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” —Craig Ferguson

”Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi’s face tried to make.” —Conan O’Brien

”Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, ‘Isn’t it enough that I’m slowly starting to look like him?”’ —Conan O’Bien

”That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” —Jay Leno

”It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.” —Jon Stewart

”President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.” —Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations based on the current events over the past week:

In addition to pat-downs by airport security a manual body search will include sliding of the hand up and down the inside of the thigh.  Airlines are expecting increased traffic from male clientele so they are using this opportunity to charge an added fee of $50 for a happy ending.

The stars of Jersey Shore will reportedly be included on Barbara Walters list of most fascinating people of 2010.  It seems fitting the entire cast combined would only make up one fascinating person.

Justin Bieber was caught in the back seat of his parent’s car making out with a girl.  Fortunately, he was practicing safe sex, he was wearing mittens.

Police in Seattle arrested a man in the park after he was caught having sex with his car.  I’m not sure how that would work but it does give a whole new meaning to four on the floor.

Charlie Sheen has said his whole situation was overblown.  I’m confused, isn’t that one of the things he paid the hooker to do?

A recent poll says 60% of American voters say it’s time for a fresh face in their congressional district.  Nancy Pelosi took this as a signal that she needed more Botox.

I saw a recent headline that said, “Republicans Say Obama Should Study What Bill Clinton Did.”  So, I guess they think he should drop his pants in the Oval Office with an Intern there.

The scariest Halloween costumes this year were trick-or-treaters who were dressed as incumbent politicians asking for votes.

Too bad Halloween is over.  The Democrats could have dressed as Republicans and they may have gotten more votes.

…And finally, let’s hope Republicans have the good manners to send Obama a thank you note for campaigning for the Democrats in the close elections which helped propel the Republicans to victory.

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