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This is the continuing feature run on darnfunnyonline where we like to make the observation how things could always be worse, no matter how bad they seem right now:

It could be worse, you could be an incumbent congressman in November.

It could be worse, you could be a robber and decide to rob a donut shop filled with policeman.

It could be worse, you could be a person who does not think, therefore, you are not.

It could be worse, you could be a fish at the end of a fisherman’s line instead of a fish in the Gulf of Mexico where you have the option to swim away.

It could be worse, in the body sizes of life, you could be a size that even Starbucks hasn’t invented yet.

It could be worse, you could be a high fructose corn syrup product in the hands of a fat guy.

It could be worse, you could be one of the plans the A-Team had that never came together.

It coud be worse, you could be a new lobbyist and the very first congressman you try to bribe turns out to be the very first honest congressman.

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Parents, if your child breaks something around the house like a window, for example, don’t be too concerned about his future just because he doesn’t seem to want to take any responsibility for it.  There’s a very strong possibility he has a future as an executive at a large multi-national corporation like BP, Transocean, or Halliburton.  If that doesn’t work out he or she can always run for Congress.

If that’s not extreme enough for you then maybe your child may even have presidential aspirations, after all, anything that goes wrong for President Obama is clearly President Bush’s fault.  Even if history rates Obama as the worst president ever he will be saying it’s because Bush was the worst up to that point.

If Obama was confronted by someone using the famous line by Jack Nicholson in the movie “A few Good Men” saying about his presidency, “You can’t handle the truth.”  I’m sure he would immediately break out his teleprompter and go into a beautiful soliloquy about the truth and what it meant to hope and change for this great country.  And then he would go on 42 different TV news and entertainment shows to talk about what the truth meant to us all until everyone forgot about the original accusation made to him about truth.  And by the time he was done with it truth would have a new definition just like “Hope” and “Change” does now.  Now that I think of it he may have taken lessons from Clinton.  During his impeachment proceedings sexual relations and oral sex had no interrelating definitions by the time he was done.

Now when you talk about responsibility and Congress you are really referring to two subjects that have no correlation to each other.  Here is a conversation between an interviewer and a congressman discussing responsibility:

Interviewer:  What do you think of this whole oil spill mess?

Congressman:  Well, I know one thing for sure.  I had nothing to do with it.  But rest assured Congress will get to the bottom of this.

Interviewer:  That’s an interesting statement.  What do you mean by that?

Congressman:  I mean we’ll have someone to blame.

Interviewer:  But what will that solve?

Congressman:  Nothing really, but it sure keeps the heat off of us in Congress.  I have to tell you that was a little uncomfortable for us during the Healthcare thing.

Interviewer:  But now because of what you did all of us citizens will suffer for a long time. (Editor’s note:  This interviewer obviously does not work for anyone but FOX…and proudly.)

Congressman:  (Clears his throat)  Well….I’m sure if there was any wrong doing on our part our ethics committee will look into it.  (Editor’s note again:  An ethics committee in Congress is like having a vacuum cleaner in a pig sty.)

Interviewer:  That is an interesting note.  On that, do you in Congress ever take responsibility for anything?

Congressman:  Of course we do.  Whenever we are caught doing something illegal or immoral and there’s no way out of it we admit we did it.

Interviewer:  That’s not really what someone would call taking responsibility.

Congressman:  You obviously know absolutely nothing about politics.

There you have it folks.  So, the next time your child breaks a window or something and admits even the slightest bit of responsibility for it breath a heavy sigh of relief.  He will never be a politician.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

“Now, according to The Wall Street Journal, a new study says a parent should not be alarmed if their child tells a lie. They say it’s a natural part of development and there are three phases — adolescent lying, young adult lying, and of course, oil executive lying. That is the biggest.” –Jay Leno

“BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right.” –Jay Leno

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

“BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven’t screwed up the gulf enough, let’s fill it with garbage, too.” –Jay Leno

“Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottled water or nail clippers.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they’re going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

“Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there’s one on eBay for 75 bucks.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn’t work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions.” –Jay Leno

“Congress told BP they can’t label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse.” –Jay Leno

“Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California.” –Jay Leno

“Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a ‘trailblazing leader.’ The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail.” –Jay Leno

“Let me tell you about ‘The Late Show.’ It’s like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one.” –David Letterman

“Last weekend, President Obama gave an impassioned speech against technology. And then he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.” –Craig Ferguson

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I haven’t written too much about Congress recently.  I guess it’s because they haven’t done anything colossally idiotic lately, it is just their routine idiotic.  If that is too harsh a term for some of you maybe we could try moronic, imbecilic or just plain stupid.  Any of those would serve quite well actually, so go ahead and take your pick.

I guess it’s really hard to top Obamacare for really bad ideas so in comparison to that nobody is really getting too excited recently. But with election season already getting started it is an exciting time for someone who writes humor, not unlike a kid on his first trip to Disneyland.  To see a jackass (and I’m not just talking about the democrats now, although they couldn’t have a more fitting symbol) fall on his face, as many politicians do when they are trying to impress the masses, is truly a fun thing.

It’s nice to see that Congress is currently addressing corruption, although if they were really going to get to the heart of the matter they wouldn’t need to look any further than their own halls.  It’s hard to imagine how they keep a straight face when they are drilling the executives of Goldman Sachs about their evil ways when they are probably having their assistants take notes to see if they can scrape off any good ideas that they can use for themselves.  They probably all go out to dinner afterward and have a good laugh and then charge it to the government.

I live in Nevada where Harry Reid keeps campaigning based on all the jobs he created for the state. Unfortunately, most of any jobs that have been truly created are more government jobs to enforce all the idiotic (there’s that word again, you can fill in any of the substitutes that you want to use again) rules they keep making.  Of course, that just costs the taxpayer more money.  But, bingo!  More jobs created because the fed has to hire more guys to run the printing press to print more money. What a system!

I can just hear Obama speaking to all the democrats in Congress to get them excited about the upcoming elections and trying to inspire them to victories:

Obama:  Ask not what your country can do for you… oh wait…that was Kennedy.  Who should I be today…Let’s see, well, the Republicans say I’m a Nazi so I definitely don’t want to be like Hitler and make them appear to be right.  Gee, I’m kind of stuck, there’s no one here I have to impress to get to vote for me, so for the first time in my life I’m at a loss for words…

Harry Reid: (interrupting) Uh, Sir, I detected very slightly that you were slipping into a Negro dialect.  Remember, I said you didn’t have a Negro dialect and that’s what made you electable.

Obama:  Elections, elections?  Thank you, Harry.  You brought me brought me back to reality.  My thoughts are all coming into my head again with a violent rush.  I feel like I could talk for days.  My ability to be a plastic politician has fully returned.

Nancy Pelosi: (interrupting) Sir, before you continue should I kiss your ring, or your foot… or your…

Obama:  No, thank you Nancy, not now anyway.  You can do your requisite sucking up later on.  (Then he continues on blah, blah, blah and everyone is all impressed even though he doesn’t care that he never intends to do anything he is telling them.)

And, so, the beat goes on in Washington and they will continue to do the idiotic (or whatever word you want to substitute) stuff they always do.  Unless we get real smart and throw a big tea party on election day.  Maybe we can trick the current congressman into joining us.  “Ooh, a party!”

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Here are some jokes based on the news from last week:

Nancy Pelosi received threats from the public last week but she was not intimidated until somebody told her they were going to cut off her supply of Botox.

Tiger Woods is back in bed with Nike which reportedly has Callaway Golf threatening to hit him with their clubs.

KFC has a new product called Double Down.  It has bacon and cheese wrapped in 2 pieces of fried chicken.  They serve this meal with napkins that have last rites written on them.

The United States and Russia have agreed to reduce their nuclear arsenals.  We are still waiting to hear from  Joe Biden as to whether this is a big f____ ing deal or not.

Last week a man robbed a bank and stole a car that had two dogs in it.  Word has it he was just testing out Obamacare to see if it covered dog bites.

New models of cars are getting smaller while the people are getting fatter.  This is the car makers strategy to use less gas, if they can’t get in them, they can’t drive them.  Also, if you don’t drive them, we don’t have to do recalls.

Kate Gosselin is refusing to quit “Dancing with the Stars” but as with many of our congressman this fall, it’s not her decision to make.

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Today we will attempt to go where no man has gone before (and after we’re done may never ever want to do so again.)  You are about to enter the DEM-ZONE.

Alert readers are probably thinking, “What the hell is the DEM-ZONE and why would I want to enter it.”

My answer, using the best cryptic voice I can muster, is, “Ha,ha,ha,haaaa.” (Actually that was a way of stalling while I try to come up with a good answer.) “The DEM-ZONE is the mind of the liberal democratic congressman, a dangerous and mysterious place.” (Now moving from the cryptic voice to a little bit of a wimpy voice) “Plus…I just kinda thought it would be a fun thing to do.”

I will be your guide as we go through the tour.  As we enter, there’s actually a lot of empty space in here and where there is stuff it seems to be all cluttered up.  Aha, there is our first area of substance.  The object looks to be a printing press of some kind…oh, I see, they are printing money and then the thing right next to that is a furnace with a guy throwing money right off the printing press into the furnace.  Upon closer inspection I see a plaque that says, ”Invented by Al Gore.”

My only assumption can be that Al invented this money burning device (or at least took credit for it) so that it would cause global warming,  and he could take credit for discovering that.  Plus, let’s not forget his Internet invention too.  Now, Al Gore’s mind would be too scary of a place to go into. Can you imagine some of the freaky science fiction going on in there?

Anyway, back to our tour.  The next thing I see seems to be very similar to one of the scenes at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland where a pirate is chasing one of the townswomen around and around in a circle.  Except in the DEM-ZONE it is a Democratic congressman chasing a skirt around and around in a circle.

To be fair, there are some Republicans waiting in line for that ride as well.  There seems to be some alternatives to that little ride that a few of the Republicans are going to.  For example, there is a door to a strip club and also a door to a bathroom stall.  Maybe these different party congressmen are not so different after all, unfortunately.

Next, we see a hospital.  Interestingly enough, it is surrounded by a drug factory, a casket factory and a cemetery.  Not too surprisingly there are a lot of people from those industries lined up to put money in the congressman’s back pocket.  So much for the healthcare bill.

I think I’ve had enough of this tour, but I should note as we leave the DEM-ZONE that there is a statue of Obama in there.  Funny, but someone seems to have painted a Hitler type mustache on him, either a Republican or one of the Democrats that he pissed off did it while no one was looking.  Anyway, all the democratic congressman are on their knees bowing to Obama.  Oh wait, there are two people behind the statue as well… Oh, I see,  it’s Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, they are kissing a location of the statue that I’d rather not mention.

Wow, I’m glad that’s done.  I feel a little slimy and dirty after that trip.  Kind of sick too.  But I think I’ll let that be my own secret lest someone tries to heal me up with Obamacare.  I think I’ll just settle for a nice hot bath.

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The Democrats in Congress and Obama are so intent on being right about health care that they got it passed even if it means many of them not being re-elected because of it.  So, finally, at least some good might come of this.

Nancy Pelosi said recently about the health care bill, ”We have to pass this bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”  And Obama said the other day, “I haven’t read the bill yet, but we need to pass it.”  This kind of makes you think Congress  and Obama are like the Forrest Gumps of politicians saying, “Obamacare is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna  get.”

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she said that this would be the most ethical Congress ever.  But associating Congress with ethics is like associating Al Gore with charisma.  There is actually an Ethics Committee in Congress and I‘m assuming they are on the lookout for anyone there being ethical.  So far they’ve found no one.

But a congressman trying to find ethics it’s pretty much like a caveman trying to discover fire.  It’s something you’ve never seen before so you really don’t know what it looks like.  It compares to Tiger Wood discovering fidelity or Lady Gaga finding normalcy.

From many of the actions that Congress takes you’d think their collective IQs would have a hard time topping summer temperatures in Alaska.  It makes you want to propose a reality show to the networks about Congress – Are You Smarter than Sandpaper?  But the fact is that many of them are really intelligent people but when the mold was made for those people they forgot to provide space for that thing we talked about earlier in the article – ethics (but on Nancy Pelosi instead of ethics they put botox.)

Intelligence without ethics is how you get “brilliant” pieces of work like a stimulus package to spend your way of debt.

Let’s just listen in on an interview with a Congressman that never made it to air (because the “ethics” committee wouldn’t allow it):

Interviewer:  What do you think is the biggest problem we face today, healthcare or unemployment?

Congressman:  Neither one, it’s being re-elected.

Interviewer:  How is that a problem for the citizens of the United States?

Congressman:  Oh, I didn’t know we were talking about them. I thought we were talking about me.  In that case I think the biggest problem is either steroid in sports or replacing the BCS system with a playoff in college football.

Interviewer:  Why would those things be important to Congress?

Congressman:  Well, first of all, Miss smarty pants interviewer, they are subjects where it makes Congress looks like we really care about something and so it makes us look good.  And second it’s something we can’t really get in trouble for.  Even though a lot of us take steroids and really, any type of drug you could imagine, legal or illegal, we aren’t professional athletes, so it takes the limelight off of us and puts it somewhere else.

Interviewer:  But how do those things fall under your jurisdiction?

Congressman:  I guess you aren’t listening.  I already said it makes us look good and that is our biggest jurisdiction.

At that time a couple of Secret Service agent swept in and carted the interviewer off, never to be heard from again.

And with that said, it would be nice if we could just get rid of these guys by “unfriending” them in our Facebook accounts but at least we can vote them out in the next election.

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Here are some jokes based on this last week’s news:

There was a lady who weighs 600lbs. and she wants to gain another 400 lbs so that she can be the fattest woman ever.  In related news, Congress wants to pass one more stupid bill so they can be called the most stupid Congress ever.

Joe Biden is happy that Nancy Pelosi said we’ll have to pass the health care bill to find out what’s in it.  He said, “Finally, I’m not the only one that doesn’t know what’s going on.”

In other healthcare news, Donald Trump called Obama and asked if fixing his hair would be covered in the new healthcare.

Obama told him, “I have no idea, no one really knows what’s in the bill, we’ll find out soon.”

After the healthcare bill passed Nancy Pelosi’s face muscles went into spasm because they had never experienced a natural smile before.

In a recent Gallup poll 80% of the people said they disapprove of what Congress is doing, the other 20% just abstained from voting because they were mistresses and illegitimate children of congressmen.

Obama is claiming a victory because 80% had to be a non-partisan majority, just like he claimed he’d get when he ran for President.

And finally, it looks like Sandra Bullock and Jessie James marriage is on the rocks.  He was cheating on her with a tattoo artist.  Apparently he could read what his girlfriend was writing on his body but he was unable to read the writing on the wall.

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Many experienced a long hard winter this year which makes us all look forward to the spring months.  Tiger Woods and John Edwards also had very difficult winters for different reasons but they too are looking forward to April, May and June, but for privacy sake I won’t reveal  April , May or June’s last names here.

Spring is an exciting time because it marks a new beginning of things.  For Eric Massa, the recently resigned member of Congress, it represents the need to get a new career after being accused of being gay and groping a male assistant.  He said it was tickling and not groping and maybe the public could have forgotten about if that was all there was to it (he is a Congressman, after all.)  The thing that really blew his cover though was after the tickling he also took the guy clothes shopping and then to a Broadway musical.

With the advent of spring President Obama is thinking of a fresh start as well.  After bombing out on his first year in office he figures the “hope and change” slogan may have worn a little thin so he is reworking the slogan to “pray for a change in the public’s opinion of me”.  It is not quite as catchy but something he definitely needs.

When Obama first came into office he was all Wizard of Oz-ish.  But after the first year he is now looking at his dog and saying, “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”  A new spring and a fresh beginning is just what the doctor ordered so in order to achieve that he is now telling the public to “ignore the man behind the curtain.”  I guess he figures that worked for Dick Cheney for 8 years with President Bush, so it’s worth a shot.

If that doesn’t work he can try something new like setting a deadline for Congress to pass the Obamacare bill.  Oh, wait…that’s not new, so forget that one.

Spring break has many connotations for many people.  For some it means a quiet vacation.  For Congress, being the power-crazed, trying to recapture their youth, old farts that they are, it probably means partying at a Florida beach resort.  Think congressmen in bathing suits, that’s enough right there to not get them re-elected.  Just imagine the taxpayer expense of getting them and all their aides to Florida.  (Remember there will probably be unlimited “tickling” going on at their spring break.)   I’m sure they would consider it tremendous for the economy with all the jobs that they would be creating.

I can just envision the conversation between two congressmen on the beach:

(They see some attractive bikini clad college girls walk by)

Congressman #1:  If they put a few perks like that is the health care bill I bet we’d get it passed.

Congressman #2: Whoa, talk about too big to fail.

Then all of a sudden a congressman runs by wearing Speedos with his full man breast flopping in the wind as he chases his female aide (not all congressman are gay.)  Just then former Congressman Massa walks up and sees the scene.  To him the Speedos clad man and his man breasts are in slow motion like a “Baywatch” preview.

Massa:  Wow! If that’s not a stimulus package I don’t know what is.

With that thought maybe its best if spring never actually does arrive and let’s hope Congress passes a law that none of them can ever go onto the beach.

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I would like to rectify a grievous error that many of us citizens make when we refer to a politician as an ass.  The fact is that is not what they are, but correctly stated, it is where their heads are stuck at most of the time, either up their own or up someone else’s.  I feel much better having clarified that for everyone.

The public confidence in Congress is at an all time low, even lower than that of the president’s, although he is gaining fast, and to be fair he has only been in office a little over a year. You can’t blame anyone who lacks confidence though, what with nearly every headline you read or hear regarding politicians is about corruption, infidelity, graft and general lack of ethics (a.k.a.  “another day in Congress”.)  It is little wonder that the Tea Party is gaining popularity so fast.  Of course, our members of Congress could get right on board with that if we’d just be willing to change it from tea to a rum and coke party and maybe add a few hookers into the mix (and add a room on the side with free botox injections for Nancy Pelosi.)  It would be one of the few bipartisan ideas that every one of them could support.

The “Nigerian businessman” who just sent you an e-mail asking for your bank information is only a guy in training to become a politician.  Tiger Woods would have made an exceptional politician except that he got caught way too early in his career.  You have to be able to hide these things better than that.  You need to at least get elected first.  Then it is more acceptable because it is totally expected.

There was going to be a new reality show called “Dancing with the Politicians” but it never got on the air.  Because of all the slime it made the floors too slippery and no one could dance.  Plus, could you imagine someone wanting to dance with Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi?

Another new political reality show being tossed around is entitled “Deal or No Deal on Healthcare”.  They are planning to borrow their advertising slogan from the movie “The Sixth Sense” so when their commercial comes on a kid will come out and say, “I see dead people.”   That should define the show quite well.

There is one more political reality show in the works but this one is strictly for democrats.  Really, the last one was too but they’ll at least pretend to let the republicans play.  This show is called “What Would Ted Kennedy Do?”  The guy who loses has to drive his car off a bridge into a river with a pregnant woman with him.  If he survives he’ll be forced to serve in the Senate for the rest of his life and he’ll be known as “The Liar of the Senate”.  No wait… maybe that was “Lion”… not really sure on that, I’ll have to get back to you.

And last of all, there is going to be a news show just about Congress.  It will be called “The Stimulus Report”.  It will be an expose’ on which congressmen are taking Viagra bribes from the drug companies to let them continue to legally push drugs on the American people.

On that note I am all for throwing a party for Congress at election time….as long as it is the Tea Party.

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