Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I know you’ve been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

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“Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.”

“Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.’”

“There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.”

“Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.”

“He doesn’t dye his hair, he bleaches his face.” -on Ronald Reagan

“That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford — an actor and a stuntman.”

“You get the feeling that Dan Quayle’s golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons?”

“Read my lips: No new promises.” -on George H.W. Bush

On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer — “Yes and no, pro and con, for and against” — opened the envelope and said, “Describe Jimmy Carter’s position on three major issues.”

“Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?”

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To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship — 18 years if you’re Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It’s a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we’ve just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the “o” out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.

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Steve Yeich

Steve Yeich has been professional writer for 27 years.  The first thing he ever sold professionally were jokes as a freelance writer to Joan Rivers when she used to guest host for Johnny Carson on the “Tonight Show.”  When he heard a joke he had written being performed on late night television he jumped up and angrily shouted, “Hey that’s my joke.”  Then he got his composure, realized what had happened and he smiled and said, “Hey, that’s my joke.”  (He’s not really that smart, plus he was half asleep anyway.)  After that he did freelance writing for numerous comedians who have performed on the Las Vegas Strip including for Jay Leno when he was also guest hosting on the “Tonight Show.”

His other writing credits include working freelance (he’s not real big on working for others , is he?) for advertising agencies where he did various forms of script writing including over a hundred commercials for both radio and TV.  He also hosted a weekly radio talk show in the early 90’s for about a year.  He did have a job where he was employed (his wife liked it, but he did not) as the head writer for a TV station  doing shows about Las Vegas. (Fortunately for him that didn’t last that long…whew!)  He has written humor articles that have been published in newspapers and magazines and he has written several screenplays, for one of which an option was sold.

He even tried his hand at stand-up comedy for about a half of a year in the early nineties.  While he had his moments he realized that wasn’t for him because, a) he doesn’t like to work at night, and b) he likes to work in his home and since he doesn’t even really like to invite people to his home all that much there was just no way that was going to work out.

 He hopes you enjoy his latest endeavour, darnfunnyonline.com , as much as he enjoys writing it for you (and tell your friend too!)