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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians… I, for one, am very glad Jay Leno is back:

“Gay marriage now legal in Washington, D.C. How about that? So, if you’re a congressman, in bed with a lobbyist, if you like it, you better put a ring on it.” –Jay Leno

“Well, in his new book, Karl Rove said that the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq badly damaged the Bush administration’s credibility. It’s all in his new book here, it’s called ‘Duh.’” –Jay Leno

“Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They’ve been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, did you hear about this story today? This is pretty wild. The FAA is investigating why a child was allowed to direct air traffic at John F. Kennedy airport. You know this story? … Authorities say they got suspicious when five of the planes landed at a Toys ‘R’ Us parking lot.” –Jay Leno

“Imagine that, children directing air traffic. Today, the Chinese said: ‘Why didn’t we think of that? Sure, get more kids working. Why not?’” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the pilots were stunned. One of them said, ‘Am I still drunk, or is that a kid’s voice?’” –Jay Leno

“Karl Rove’s new memoir, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ is coming out next week. Not sure if ‘Courage and Consequence’ is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than ‘Oopsies.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“New Yorkers are desperate. They’re trying to get Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, ‘That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.’” –David Letterman

“I love the biathlon. That’s the sport that involves skiing and shooting the rifle. Or as Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, call it, ‘date night.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama had his first physical exam as president over the weekend. The doctor said he was in much better shape than the country.” –Jay Leno

“Interesting, when the doctor told him to turn his head and cough, he turned to the left.” –Jay Leno

“Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I’ll start to worry.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Buzz Aldrin will be on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are the best jokes from this week from the late night comedians.

“It’s a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He’s doing well. Doctors say he’ll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.” –Craig Ferguson

“About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.” –Craig Ferguson

“There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.” –Craig Ferguson

“I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.” –Craig Ferguson

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one’s free.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village…Because if there’s one thing we don’t want, it’s the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don’t do anything.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can’t raise or increase rates whenever they want. That’s great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson’s bar tab.” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t keep many credit cards because I’m worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they’d beg me to take it back.” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.” –David Letterman

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  (I can’t wait until Leno is back on the air, he is the best in my opinion by far.)

“And like every president, President Obama is now worried about the poll numbers because they continue just to kind of whittle away and going down and down and down. So he decided to turn things around. What he’s going to do is invite himself to the White House for a beer.” –David Letterman

“There’s a bit of a scandal in men’s figure skating at the Olympics. Three skaters have tested positive for ‘fabulous.’” –David Letterman

“In curling, they get a 40 lb. granite stone and send it down the ice and then they sweep the debris from in front of it. It’s all the fun of shuffleboard, plus household chores.” –David Letterman

“Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They’re vacation activities. I feel like I’m watching someone’s home movies.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as ‘commuting.’ ” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can’t go wrong with another pair of ladies’ sunglasses.” –David Letterman

“Bob Dylan performed at the White House last night in honor of Black History Month…Because when you think of black history, you think of a mumbling, white, Jewish guy from Minnesota.” –David Letterman

“Happy Presidents’ Day, everybody. On Presidents’ Day, we celebrate America’s presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses.” –Craig Ferguson

“I think it was President Kennedy who said, ‘Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do to get quality goods at discount prices.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I’m thinking, how exactly would that work? ‘They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I’m very, very angry. It’s time for jihad.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A park is opening in London with a playground for old people. It sounds great until the merry-go-round goes so fast, grandpa’s dentures fly off.” –Craig Ferguson

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

“The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — ‘cushions.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told White House reporters that his meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders went, quote, ‘well.’ When asked why he was being vague, he was like, ‘because.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They’re building snow-bamas all over the place.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can’t do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn’t it?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, be glad you’re not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don’t think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package.” –Jay Leno

“It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi  had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs.” –Jay Leno

“It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn’t want to take her gloves off to read.” –Jay Leno

“And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn’t have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, ‘I’m wearing no pants.’ I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign.” –Jay Leno

“But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He’s going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They’ll put it on the back burner and hope it melts.” –David Letterman

“And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they’re wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That’s what they were doing.” –David Letterman

“President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week. It is mostly Jay Leno since most of the others were off this week.

“Tomorrow night, President Obama  will give his State of the Union address. The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess he’s going to talk a lot about India.” –Jay Leno

“Focus on jobs. This is going to be the shortest speech in history. ‘Hey, there aren’t any. Thank you. Good night.’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks a day. Every little bit helps.” –Jay Leno

“Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for Schwarzenegger — ‘I’ll be back.’” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: ‘What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.’” –Jay Leno

“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” –Jay Leno

“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” –Jay Leno

“Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union Address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“John McCain’s wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain — well, he’s still very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a really hot-looking younger woman.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, I saw John McCain today. He and John Edwards were at the same store. They were both buying diapers, but for different reasons.” –Jay Leno

“As I’m sure you know, John Edwards has finally admitted he’s the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. There’s a shock. Who saw that coming? Given how long it took him to admit it, the kid is now old enough not to vote for him.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, John Edwards said today he’s going to help raise the little girl. He said he’s looking forward to teaching his daughter everything he knows about hair care products.” –Jay Leno

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

“This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs.” –Jay Leno

“And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House.” –Jay Leno

“A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton.” –Jay Leno

“Everybody’s talking about President Obama’s speech last night. He’s sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Right now, in Scandinavia, the Nobel Committee is really rethinking the whole peace prize.” –Craig Ferguson

“Anyway, the good news is the first people Obama sends to Afghanistan are those White House party crashers, so it’s not all bad.” –Craig Ferguson

“As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world’s supply of rubble, and we need that.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride’s father to the bachelor party? That’s going to be a tough call.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest.” –Jay Leno

“Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, this is absolutely true. There’s an organization now called ‘Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.’ Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn’t work.” –Jay Leno

“There’s a new children’s book that’s coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don’t want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi’s mother.” –Conan O’Brien

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I realize Obama is an easy target for humor but it was a slow humor day so here are some good late night jokes about President Obama:

“But Obama’s birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama’s mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he’s not too busy with the two wars he’s conducting.” –Bill Maher

“I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon.” –Bill Maher

“President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president’s fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer.” –Jay Leno

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

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Here are some of the best of the jokes from the late night comedians this week.

“Well, here’s a story that won’t go away. Congressman Joe Wilson has refused Democrats’ demand to apologize to Congress on the House floor, to which Kanye West  said, ‘I’ll do it. That’s okay, I’ll do it.” –Jay Leno

“Wait, have you heard about this? Oh, I love this. They have new House rules saying members of Congress cannot call the President a liar. They cannot call him a hypocrite. They cannot say he is dishonest. Today, President Bush  said, ‘Hey, where were these rules when I was President?’” –Jay Leno

“Hey, if they start banning hypocrites and liars from the floor of Congress, there won’t be anybody in the building.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, you know President Obama  yesterday created quite a stir, because he apparently called Kanye West a jackass. Yeah, well, some people are now upset with President Obama for calling Kanye a jackass. They’re upset about it. Yeah, and Joe Biden is furious, because ‘Jackass’ is his Secret Service code name.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In Connecticut — this is weird — one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the W.W.E. wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, ‘You lie!’ if they could get hit with a folding chair.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Congressman Joe Wilson’s outburst during President Obama’s speech last week was based on racism. When Joe Wilson heard that, he said, ‘I can’t get mad at Jimmy Carter. He’s white.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, ‘Kanye.’” –Jimmy Fallon

‘Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is ‘very likely’ that the recession is over. I hope this isn’t like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.’ –Jimmy Kimmel

“They always do this when there’s a holiday, whenever people want something. The latest rumor is there may be a pumpkin shortage this year. They say a chilly, damp summer in the Midwest and Northeast has hurt the pumpkin crop. They say large pumpkins are going to be hard to find. Isn’t that unbelievable? I mean, our pumpkins are getting smaller and thinner, and our trick-or-treaters are getting bigger and fatter.” –Jay Leno

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