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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever. –Jay Leno

A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent. –Jay Leno

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?” –Jay Leno

The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.” –Jay Leno

In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision he’s ever made. –Conan O’Brien

Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.” –Conan O’Brien

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don’t have a joke here. I’d just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China. –Conan O’Brien

O.J. Simpson was in court this week trying to overturn his conviction on armed robbery and kidnapping. O.J. said, “I’m tired of everyone thinking of me as a robber and kidnapper and forgetting what a great murderer I am.” –Conan O’Brien

Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign. –David Letterman

People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why. –David Letterman

They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

Here’s the problem. When you get scandals in Washington — like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI — it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don’t fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt. –David Letterman

The Cannes Film Festival was yesterday. Everyone who’s anyone in show business is in France right now. “But Craig, you’re here in Los Angeles.” Exactly. I’m lower on the show business ladder than Justin Bieber’s monkey. –Craig Ferguson

The Germans are like, “No, Bieber. We are keeping your monkey. It is never leaving Germany again. This Bieber monkey is the new Hasselhoff of Germany. –Craig Ferguson

Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge. –Craig Ferguson

O.J. Simpson took the witness stand. He’s serving up to 33 years on armed robbery, assault, and kidnapping charges. He won’t be eligible for parole until 2017 and who knows if we’ll have even have “Dancing With the Stars” by then. –Jimmy Kimmel

The most notable thing to come out of the trial is that O.J. has put on a lot of weight in prison. I think he found the real killers and ate them. –Jimmy Kimmel

He’s hoping if he’s granting a retrial they’ll let him serve the remainder of his sentence under Waffle House arrest. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?” –Jimmy Fallon

A town in Minnesota has appointed a 4-year-old boy to be its mayor. People got pretty annoyed when he said his first plan was “waising taxes.” –Jimmy Fallon

Next season “Dancing With the Stars” will be cut back from two nights a week to just one — while “American Idol” will be cut back from two nights a week to a puppet show at Ryan Seacrest’s house. –Jimmy Fallon

The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up. –Jay Leno

Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit. –Jay Leno

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit. –Jay Leno

First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? –Jay Leno

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with. –David Letterman

OJ Simpson is back in court. He’s gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. –David Letterman

Remember: If the pants don’t fit, you must acquit. –David Letterman

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice. –Jimmy Fallon

The founder of Spanx announced that she is giving away half of her fortune to charity. She told her family, “We’ll be fine. Things are just going to get a little tighter. –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia Eagles new coach, Chip Kelly, recently got rid of the team’s long-running tradition of having fast-food Fridays. He says that he wants his players to live healthier lives. Then he sends them out to hit other people with their heads. –Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, “Eh, it’s not the end of the world.” –Jimmy Fallon

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that. –Jay Leno

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. –Jay Leno

Barbara Walters announced her retirement today. Good, I’ll have somebody to hang out with next year. –Jay Leno

O.J. is trying to get a new trial. His lawyer said, “Look, O.J., we’ve been through this before. It’s a long shot. And O.J. said, “You know what? I think I’ll take a stab at it.” –David Letterman

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. –Craig Ferguson

On Friday, a truck in Ohio overturned on a highway and spilled hundreds of hot dogs. It got even more annoying when another truck came along and spilled two less buns. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon:

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. –Jay Leno

Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America. –Jay Leno

New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government? –Jay Leno

According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green. –Jay Leno

In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that WAS Nancy Pelosi. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, “I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady. -Conan O’Brien

Former NBA player Dennis Rodman has asked North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un to release American prisoner Kenneth Bay. Rodman said, “I’m calling for Kim to do me a solid” and release Kenneth Bay.” How do you think the Koreans will translate “do me a solid?” –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m sure Kenneth Bay would be thrilled to hear that Dennis Rodman is on his case. –Jimmy Kimmel

Wouldn’t it be something if it worked? How many can say they were saved from a North Korean prison camp by Dennis Rodman? Three, four. Eight, maybe. –Jimmy Kimmel

Why do I feel this somehow ends with Michael Jordan being forced to fly to Pyongyang to sign the “Space Jam” poster hanging over Kim Jong Un’s bed to prevent nuclear Armageddon?  –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. –Jimmy Fallon

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. That means you have four days to pick out the perfect gift before just buying flowers on the way to brunch. –Jimmy Fallon

Actually, a new survey found out the average American will spend $168 on Mother’s Day this year. For any woman who’s been through labor for a day and a half, remember, it pays exactly $168. –Jimmy Fallon

A movie version of “Dungeons and Dragons” is in the works. It’s expected to set all-time records for people saying, “Ticket for one, please.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled. –Jay Leno

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan has checked into the Betty Ford Center. Celebrities who have been treated at Betty Ford swear by the place. In fact, they return again and again and again. –Jay Leno

The Rolling Stones played the Staples Center here. They are on their big Centrum Silver tour. Tickets went for as much $650. And that’s minus the Medicare deductible. –Jay Leno

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction. -Conan O’Brien

A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don’t you think a gun created by a printer would jam? -Conan O’Brien

A cleric in Iran is warning that an earthquake is on the way, and it’s the fault of women who wear revealing clothes. So yet another setback for the Tehran Hooters. -Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, “Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.” -David Letterman

Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol. –David Letterman

Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart. –David Letterman

The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, “Well, that would be great if I had a job.” –David Letterman

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, “Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?” And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones played here at the Staples Center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats. I guess if people wanted go to the Staples Center to see old guys shuffling around way past their prime, they’d just go see the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately. –Jimmy Kimmel

If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years. –Jimmy Kimmel

Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, “I dare you to do better” — to which the students yelled back, “No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!” –Jay Leno

Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They’re getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans. –Jay Leno

For the first time ever, girls in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to take part in school sports. Of course, their moms won’t be allowed to drive them to practice. But hey, it’s progress. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell’s chief marketing executive says they are now working on a new low-end menu. What? You mean the stuff they’ve been serving is the high-end stuff? –Jay Leno

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, “If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.” -Conan O’Brien

According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible. -Conan O’Brien

A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, “I’m a bishop. I’m supposed to move diagonally.” -Conan O’Brien

“Iron Man 3″ made $175 million in the United States and $680 million worldwide. It’s the second biggest opening behind “The Avengers,” which proves something I have known for a long time. We are all nerds now. –Jimmy Kimmel

The only thing I didn’t understand when I saw “Iron Man 3″ was that Iron Man was in a lot of trouble and the world was in a lot of trouble but The Avengers were nowhere to be found. What happened? Did he lose their phone numbers? Did they unfriend him on Facebook? –Jimmy Kimmel

Where were The Avengers? Seems like if the president is being held hostage, maybe bring the guy with the hammer that shoots lightning bolts. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, “Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?” –Jimmy Fallon

Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him “practice.” –Jimmy Fallon

The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: “National Parks: Nobody Knows You’re Drinking in Here.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on Match.com. You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con. –Jay Leno

In baseball news, the Chicago Cubs said they will move if improvements are not made to Wrigley Field. And today Wrigley Field said it will move if improvements are not made to the Chicago Cubs. –Jay Leno

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards. –Jay Leno

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think? –Jay Leno

More news keeps coming out about Jason Collins, the NBA player who revealed he’s gay. It turns out he’s a free agent looking for someone to sign him. He’s got some interest from Chicago. Not the Bulls, the Broadway musical. -Conan O’Brien

Domino’s Pizza customers can now order a pizza and watch it being made online. A spokesperson for Domino’s said this way their customers can see exactly what went wrong. -Conan O’Brien

The Chicago Cubs are considering leaving Wrigley Field if they don’t get a bigger scoreboard. Then someone reminded the Cubs for the amount of runs they get, they don’t need a scoreboard. -Conan O’Brien

A new study reveals that up to 41 percent of college graduates are working in jobs that don’t require a degree. By the way, I’m one of them. -Conan O’Brien

Martha Stewart has signed up with Match.com, the dating thing. And she’s been taking dating tips from the CEO of Match.com. And I thought, “Wait a minute. That’s insider dating.” –David Letterman

In New York City every year, we have the Tony Awards. We carry them right here on CBS. To make them more exciting, CBS has renamed them the “Jimmies.” –David Letterman

There’s another new category this year in the Tony Awards — best performance by a guy dragged against his will to a Broadway show. –David Letterman

It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian. –David Letterman

Martha Stewart is on the prowl. Martha Stewart is now on Match.com. She’s 71, and says she’s looking for a man between 55 and 70 and is not looking to have kids. What 70-year-old woman is looking to have kids? –Jimmy Kimmel

Martha says she’s a fan of the symphony, opera, and rap. I like that. She spent three months in prison and all of a sudden she’s Tupac listening to rap. –Jimmy Kimmel

What kind of rap does Martha Stewart like? Gift wrap. –Jimmy Kimmel

We ran all her information and we determined the best match for Martha. We looked to find someone who’s single, successful, likes kids, age appropriate, athletic, and knows what is it’s like to go through a scandal. I think we were able to find the right man. Arnold Schwarzenegger. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, “No rush.” –Jimmy Fallon

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants. –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, “Give me your lunch money,” students are like, “Here, take it.” –Jimmy Fallon

The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.  –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Tim Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, although today he did sign with somebody: ChristianMingle.com. So good for him. . -Jay Leno

There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty. . -Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Willie Nelson. He’s 80 years old. God bless him. Willie has finally reached the age he’s looked for the last 30 years. . -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed. To make sure it closes quickly, they’re turning it into a Blockbuster Video. -Conan O’Brien

NBA player Jason Collins’ former fiancee said she had no clue he was gay. Then she showed off an engagement ring given to her by her former fiance, Richard Simmons. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins’ former fiancee did say she had no clue he was gay. She went on to say he didn’t cheat on her, so she also had no clue he was in the NBA. -Conan O’Brien

Yeah, she said she had no clue he was gay. When she heard this, Manti Te’o’s fiancee said, “Well, at least you exist.” -Conan O’Brien

New reports say New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will not run for president in 2016 if Hillary Clinton does. In a statement, Hillary said that she appreciates the decision and the support. Then she added, “Because I would crush him.” –Jimmy Fallon

New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the air quality in New York City subways is actually the same quality as the air in New York streets. Even crazier, that’s supposed to be good news. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for “big metal hook.” –Jimmy Fallon

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team sport to come out as gay. Do you know what a breakthrough this is? Finally an NBA player who won’t have any illegitimate kids. –Jay Leno

Collins said it was not a tough decision to tell people that he’s gay. He said it’s easier than telling people he plays for the Washington Wizards. That’s the hard part. –Jay Leno

I had a birthday over the weekend. I turned 63. That is an awkward age. It’s too old for NBC, but it’s still too young to play for the Lakers. –Jay Leno

Supreme Court Justice Steven Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left. -Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him. Tyson said she also had a dark side. -Conan O’Brien

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards. He’s not the first openly gay wizard. That trail was blazed by Dumbledore. –Craig Ferguson

So far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive. Why shouldn’t it be? Jason Collins has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like he plays for the Lakers. –Craig Ferguson

The positive reaction to Jason’s announcement is a great sign. It shows us that NBA fans are ready to embrace diversity. And they really want to concentrate on what unites them — hating the Miami Heat. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

All five living presidents will gather for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama says he hopes he can pick up some ideas for when he builds his. It’s going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.” –Jay Leno

In observance of Earth Week, NBC currently is running its entire prime-time line-up completely into the ground. –Jay Leno

A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women’s facial expressions. The main reason? They are not usually looking at her face. –Jay Leno

Basketball great Dwight Howard, who reportedly has four children from four different mothers, is expecting a fifth child with a fifth woman. Dwight’s going to be a father again — as opposed to the rest of the Lakers, who are mostly grandfathers. –Jay Leno

Remember the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, Manti Te’o. They are saying he will be taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. We heard that from his imaginary agent.  -David Letterman

The New York Jets say they will take the best athlete possible in the draft. They’re going to take the best athlete available. It’s the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use. -David Letterman

The Internet celebrated a major milestone yesterday. It’s the eighth anniversary of the very first video uploaded to YouTube. YouTube was founded in 2005 by a small group of visionaries who asked the question, “What if nobody in America ever got anything done ever again?” –Jimmy Kimmel

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is in a little trouble today. Apparently people in South Korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country’s president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. And in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn’t a great choice either. –Jimmy Fallon

South Koreans are really upset about this, but Gates says it’s just a miscommunication — while Americans say it’s payback for “Gangnam Style.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it’s better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway. –Jimmy Fallon

U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as “Kardashianism.” –Jay Leno

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct when she interfered with a police officer’s DUI arrest of her husband. Reese admitted she had also been drinking. –Jay Leno Apparently she told the officer she once played Johnny Cash’s wife, June Carter. But they didn’t believe her — because she couldn’t “walk the line.” –Jay Leno

NBC sportscaster Al Michaels got arrested over the weekend for DUI. His blood alcohol level was .08. And of course, NBC was ecstatic. .08 is the highest number anybody on this network has gotten in years. –Jay Leno

NBC announced this week that we are going green to promote new ways to save our planet. Save our planet? We can’t even save our prime-time lineup! –Jay Leno

Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, “Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?” -David Letterman

According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me! -David Letterman

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar. -David Letterman

Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses. –Craig Ferguson

Today is William Shakespeare’s birthday. He would have been 449 years old, or as CBS calls it, “our demographic.” –Craig Ferguson

There is talk that Apple CEO Tim Cook might get fired because of the company’s bad performance in the stock market. You can tell Tim Cook is trying to keep his job because he was like, “Have you tried turning the company off and back on again?” –Jimmy Fallon

The miniseries “The Bible” was a big hit. Now it’s being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn. –Jimmy Fallon

A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey. I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years. –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Florida crashed her car into a Target store. But in her defense, the store did have a giant target on it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is also Earth Day; NBC put green light bulbs in because it’s Earth Day. What a tremendous contribution they’ve made to Earth Day. –Jay Leno

Scientists have discovered that the feeling that you’re being watched is hardwired into our brains. In fact, the only people who don’t have the feeling of being watched are on prime time here at NBC. –Jay Leno

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too. –Craig Ferguson

It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading. –Craig Ferguson

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes. –Craig Ferguson

Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards. –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese Witherspoon got into trouble. She was arrested for disorderly conduct. She asked the cop, “Do you know my name?” Does that ever work? The answer is either “No,” which is embarrassing or it’s “Yes, I do, and you’re going to jail.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Reese released a statement saying she is deeply embarrassed and clearly had one drink too many. But that’s Earth Day for you. People just get hammered. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have finalized their divorce, and they did it two weeks before they were scheduled to go to trial. Even their divorce ended before it really started. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim said it’s nice to finally not be married after over a year of sort of not being married. –Jimmy Fallon

NBC has canceled its reality dating show “Ready for Love” after just three episodes. Other NBC shows were like, “They made it to three episodes? What’s their secret?” –Jimmy Fallon

Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing — marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

It’s starting to get serious — China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, “Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.” –Jay Leno

Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate. –Jay Leno

According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky! –Jay Leno

Charlie Sheen is on the show tonight to talk about his hit TV show “Anger Management.” In fact, they’re adding a new character this year — Rutgers coach Mike Rice. –Jay Leno

A new report claims that almost half of Justin Bieber’s 37 million Twitter followers are fake. Even more disturbing: The other half is real. –Conan O’Brien

Japanese engineers have created what they call a “Girlfriend Jacket” that replicates the sensation of being hugged by a woman from behind. Once again, Japanese engineers remain on the cutting edge of creepy loneliness. –Conan O’Brien

Quentin Tarantino has had to alter “Django Unchained” so it can be shown in China. It will be “Django Escapes the iPad Factory.” –Conan O’Brien

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress. Rihanna said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles. –Conan O’Brien

South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a media-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass? –Jimmy Kimmel

The Cookie Monster was arrested last weekend. Not the real Cookie Monster — the one that dresses up like him in Times Square. A woman claimed he shoved her 2-year-old and cursed her out because she didn’t give him a tip. There’s a reason he’s called the Cookie Monster and not the Cookie Gentleman. –Jimmy Kimmel

Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, “Yeah, that’s how you know it’s good.” –Jimmy Fallon

Just a week after naming the color of a plus-sized dress “Manatee Grey,” now Target is having to rename a pair of sandals called “Orina” because “orina” means “urine” in Spanish — while the name “Target” is just Spanish for “Fancy Wal-Mart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney told House Republicans that the U.S. is in “deep doo doo” with North Korea. Incidentally, “deep doo do” is the color of the suit I just got at Target. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found evidence that humans may have a so-called “lazy” gene. Scientists would know more, but why bother? –Jimmy Fallon

We had unusually high winds last night. I looked out my window to see that the wind had blown down a huge palm tree. Then I turned on my TV and saw Michigan had blown a huge lead. Congratulations, Louisville Cardinals. NCAA champions. Beat Michigan, 82-76. –Jay Leno

Here’s an amazing stat. the Lakers’ Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this year than Steve Nash has missed in his entire 17-year career. Even more amazing, Kobe Bryant has now taken more shots than Lance Armstrong. –Jay Leno

The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, “You can do that?” –Jay Leno

That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for. –Jay Leno

In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical “Grease.” That’s also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong. –Conan O’Brien

North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, “Whoa, easy on the tequila.” -Craig Ferguson

Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They’re adorable little missiles with “Hello Kitty” on them. -Craig Ferguson

This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven’t seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since “Gangnam Style.” -Craig Ferguson

This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?” –Jimmy Fallon

A prop phaser gun from the “Star Trek” TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction — making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you. –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that he’s challenging himself to meet a new person every day. If only there were a website that could make that easy. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week people broke into the home of Miami Heat star Chris Bosh and stole $479,000 worth of jewelry while he was at his birthday party. Though on the plus side, now his friends know what to get him next year. –Jimmy Fallon

Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy. –Jay Leno

Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I’m sorry, that’s not Kim Jong Un. That’s Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused. –Jay Leno

Stockton, Calif., has become the most populous city in the nation to go to bankruptcy. Stockton is so broke, the 99 Cent Store has been accused of price gouging. –Jay Leno

You know what they call “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” in Stockton? “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” –Jay Leno

The company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has been approved to buy Hostess Twinkies. A company spokesman said we want to branch out from people who don’t care what they drink to people who don’t care what they eat. –Conan O’Brien

Top fashion designer Michael Kors has launched a new campaign to stop world hunger. His first step: Stop hiring supermodels. –Conan O’Brien

Kim Kardashian, who is five months pregnant, reportedly wants to give birth by C-section. In other words, even in childbirth, Kim is determined to avoid any kind of labor. –Conan O’Brien

There’s this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won’t do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is. –Jimmy Fallon

Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I’m gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman — and then we’ll talk about Kim Jong Un. –Jimmy Fallon

This is scary. Scientists have discovered a new type of tarantula that is eight inches wide. Even environmentalists were like, “You killed that thing, right?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Folks, I’ve got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get “The Tonight Show” again. –Jay Leno

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you. –Jay Leno

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber. –Jay Leno

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for. –Jay Leno

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga’s grandmother. –Conan O’Brien

How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, “Well, David, I see you didn’t get ‘The Tonight Show’ again.” –David Letterman

Didn’t we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It’s crazy. He’s being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong? –David Letterman

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno’s departure. No mention of his official date of return, however. –David Letterman

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.” –David Letterman

t was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of “The Tonight Show” on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I’m told it’s a different Jimmy that’s going to be hosting. –Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble. –Jimmy Kimmel

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome to the show, everybody. This is “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” — for now. –Jimmy Fallon

You’ve probably heard the news. I’m going to be taking over for “The Tonight Show” next February. But don’t worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called. –Jimmy Fallon

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, “That’s cool. Take your time.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life. –Jimmy Fallon

The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.” –Jay Leno

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress. –Jay Leno

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America’s Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on. –Jay Leno

Apparently back in the ’80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn’t get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana. –Jay Leno

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide. –Conan O’Brien

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia. –Conan O’Brien

Did you see Lindsay Lohan’s April Fools’ Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she’s pregnant. This morning she tweeted “April Fools.” Where’s everybody’s sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it’s funny. But with her, it’s a reason to call Child Protective Services. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can’t even show up for her pranks on time. –Jimmy Kimmel

The women’s school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball. –Jimmy Kimmel

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, “counter to what we’re trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there’s only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she’s pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools’ Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case. –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools’ joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop. –Jimmy Fallon

Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen. –Jay Leno

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting. –Jay Leno

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual. –Jay Leno

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it’s a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, “Let’s win it.” Mets fans were like, “Let’s have fun out there, you guys.” –Jimmy Fallon

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, “Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, “You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, “Sorry, Justin, I guess you’ve got to stay.” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director. –Jay Leno

On Monday night the shows “The Voice” and “Revolution” moved NBC to the number two position in the ratings. You know what that means? Between Easter and Passover is truly the season of miracles. –Jay Leno

T-Mobil announced yesterday that they are doing away with contracts. Apparently they got the idea from NBC. –Jay Leno

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She’s blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts. –Jay Leno

A man has won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on their “It’s a Small World” ride. The man said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.” –Conan O’Brien

Are you all ready for Easter? At my house every year I hide chocolate eggs for my son and later in the day he hides my heart medication. –David Letterman

Last year there was some trouble at the White House’s Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama’s birth certificate. –David Letterman

Bruce Willis is with us tonight. If a terrorist tried to take this show hostage, they’d have a big surprise coming. -Jimmy Kimmel

Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage, which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy. -Jimmy Kimmel

The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man and one impossible woman. -Jimmy Kimmel

I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when “Gay Divorce Court” hits the air. That’s how I’ll be spending my days. -Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, “Any of you ladies want to write it?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they’re a late-night host on NBC. –Jimmy Fallon

Singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy, and revealed that she owes $10 million in back taxes. She’s angry with her accountants for the financial mess and even angrier at her psychics for not giving her a heads up. –Jimmy Fallon

In an effort to compete with Amazon, Wal-Mart is letting customers buy a product online and then pick it up in the store. The company says it’s all the convenience of shopping online without any of the convenience of shopping online. –Jimmy Fallon

It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much “not done” at home as they get “not done” in Washington. –Jay Leno

Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter. –Jay Leno

A 17-year-old British teenager just sold an iPhone app he created to Yahoo for $30 million. His app takes news stories and condenses them down into just a a few short sentences so people can read them quicker. We already have that. It’s called “USA Today.” –Jay Leno

Infectious disease experts are now warning people around the world to stay away from bats. Do you have to tell people that, really? You know which bats are not dangerous? The ones the Chicago Cubs use. –Jay Leno

Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court’s deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that’s why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour. –Conan O’Brien

In Kentucky, a teenager was arrested for falsely yelling “Bingo” in a Bingo hall. It’s being called the first-ever arrest that actually diminished someone’s street cred. –Conan O’Brien

Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday. –David Letterman

The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex. -Jimmy Kimmel

Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, “It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.” –Jimmy Fallon

A father of five has come forward to claim Saturday’s winning Powerball ticket worth $338 million. Or as he told his five kids, “Great news. Three of you can go to college.” –Jimmy Fallon

Harvard was knocked out of the NCAA tournament in the second round. But don’t kid yourself. This Harvard basketball team went somewhere no other team has gone: to class. –Jay Leno

A 33-year-old woman in Britain claims to have an allergic reaction to exercise. She says every time she exercises, she has an allergic reaction. Actually, I have that. You know how I treat it? Pizza. –Jay Leno

A rattlesnake handler in Texas is recovering in the hospital after being bitten for the 12th time. If you’re a rattlesnake handler and you’ve been bitten 12 times, are you really a handler? Aren’t you just a guy who doesn’t know how to pick up snakes? –Jay Leno

Fitness pioneer Joe Weider has passed away at the age of 93. In 1969 he got Arnold Schwarzenegger his very first acting job. So, hopefully he will be remembered for the good things he did. –Jay Leno

Tonight is the beginning of the eight-day Jewish holiday of Passover, when God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt. In other words, history’s first spring break. –Conan O’Brien

They left Egypt and went to Florida. And they’re still there. –Conan O’Brien

Passover is the time every year when I’m forced to spend eight days and eight nights writing all my own jokes. –Conan O’Brien

During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel’s relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle — restoring Israel’s relationship with pork. –Conan O’Brien

The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government. –David Letterman

New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don’t know. It’s hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit. –David Letterman

John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman. –David Letterman

There was a big upset this weekend in the NCAA tournament, when San Diego State was upset by 15th seed Florida Gulf Coast University. Yeah, Florida Gulf Coast University. Even the University of Phoenix Online was like, “Who?” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints. –Jimmy Fallon

I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Well, what a genius this guy is. Let’s pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline. –Jay Leno

Hey, if you think it costs a lot to fill up your tank now, just wait until Starbucks is involved. –Jay Leno

You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever. –Jay Leno

Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do “Jurassic Park”-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there’s hope for NBC. It could turn around. –Jay Leno

A guy in Great Britain found a way to make cars run on coffee. It sounds like a great idea, right? Well, wait until you start trying to fill up the tank at Starbucks. –David Letterman

The good news is if cars start running on coffee, it means once again I can smoke at the pumps. –David Letterman

The new Pope worked as a bouncer in a nightclub. You don’t think of that as step number one on your way to the top, do you? –David Letterman

I believe he’s the only Pope who has ever said, “You’ve had enough, Miss Lohan.” –David Letterman –Craig Ferguson

The first day of spring is known as the “vernal equinox.” The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC. –Craig Ferguson

It is spring in L.A. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer. –Craig Ferguson

Even though it’s warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals. –Craig Ferguson

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I’m glad the PC police haven’t made us change March Madness to “early spring psychosis.” –Craig Ferguson

How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach? –Jimmy Kimmel

The president filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that. –Jimmy Kimmel

A man in the U.K. is making news for getting his car to run on coffee. That’s a good idea. Since gas prices aren’t high enough, let’s add Starbucks to the equation. –Jimmy Fallon

During his visit to Israel today, President Obama’s limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: “Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. It’s been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win. –Jimmy Fallon

A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, “That’s your Plan A?” –Jimmy Fallon

A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings. –Jay Leno

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year. –Jay Leno

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?” –Jay Leno

I have a problem with “Bates Motel.” It’s set in the present day. I don’t like that. I don’t want to see Norman Bates texting, “OMG, mom just stabbed somebody.” –Craig Ferguson

Justin Bieber says he’s growing a mustache. He’s going to post the finished result on Twitter, assuming Twitter still exists in the year 2050. –Craig Ferguson

Today’s the last full day of winter. Which means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird. –Jimmy Fallon

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?” –Jimmy Fallon

Kate Middleton revealed that she wants to have a boy, but Prince William is hoping for a girl. However, they both agree that no matter what gender it is, its nanny will love it just the same. –Jimmy Fallon

Burger King is now offering a turkey burger on its menu. Or as horses put it, “Nope, still us.” –Jimmy Fallon

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water. –Jay Leno

You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives. –Jay Leno

I woke up this morning to the sound of helicopters and police sirens — which of course in L.A. can only mean one thing: Lindsay Lohan’s back in court again. –Jay Leno

Lindsay was late once again for a court appearance by almost an hour. But I blame the judge. Who in his right mind would schedule a Lindsay Lohan court appearance for the morning after St. Patrick’s Day? –Jay Leno

Lindsay Lohan was back in court for a probation violation hearing. She was 48 minutes late to court. What she really needs to steal is a watch. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger Woods announced he is dating Lindsey Vonn. So just when you thought Lohan had a lock on the title of Lindsay with the worst judgment, along comes Lindsey Vonn. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger said, “We have become close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and respecting our privacy.” And the best way to keep it private is to post about it on Facebook. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s nice to see Tiger with a woman not holding a subpoena for a change. –Jimmy Kimmel

It is the day after St. Patrick’s Day. So if you’re just waking up now, I’m sorry, I don’t know whose apartment you’re in. –Jimmy Fallon

The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s “The Bible” looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, “How can you do that to Satan?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A. –Jay Leno

People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews. –Jay Leno

But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on “The View.” –Jay Leno

We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth. –Jay Leno

We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do. –Conan O’Brien

The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don’t go with a girl’s name. –Conan O’Brien

The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you’re saying to yourself, “Boy, that name sounds familiar,” you’re right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees. –David Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban giant 16-ounce sugary sodas and a judge overturned the ruling. And I said, “Thank God I don’t have to drive to Canada to get my Mountain Dew anymore.” –David Letterman

The Pope pickin’ is over. Over 100,000 people were packed into St. Peter’s Square, waiting for news of the Pope. It was really awe-inspiring. Between that and Monday night’s “Bachelor” finale, my eyes haven’t been dry all week. -Craig Ferguson

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. “Francis” was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of “Pope Boo Boo.” -Craig Ferguson

What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he’s 76 years old. He’s a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay. -Craig Ferguson

Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has been named the new Pope. After the new Pope was chosen, he was brought to a place in the Vatican called “The Room of Tears.” Or as I call that, “the gym.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, a truck in North Carolina overturned and spilled frozen pizzas all over the highway. First responders said, “It’s not a disaster — it’s DiGiorno.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Newark Airport is one of the best airports in the country to find love. Unless you love your luggage. –Jimmy Fallon

The latest rumor, according to the Italian press, is that Pope Benedict did not retire. They say he was forced out by NBC. –Jay Leno

A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I’m not mistaken. –Jay Leno

McDonald’s announced they are dropping its fruit and walnut salad from the menu. The two people who go to McDonald’s for fruit and walnuts are really upset about this. –Jay Leno

According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. You don’t want amateurs to cut people’s heads off because that could be barbaric. –Jay Leno

Everyone’s waiting to find out who the new Pope will be. Did you know the Pope gets to choose his own name? Experts say the number one choice for the new Pope’s name is John and the number two choice is Leo. A distant third: Jayden. –Conan O’Brien

The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile. –Conan O’Brien

The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any “Walking Dead” spoilers. –Conan O’Brien

A company is developing drones that can be used to pick up and develop items for customers. So if you see a drone, someone in the neighborhood either joined al-Qaida or Netflix. –Conan O’Brien

With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there’s a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio? –David Letterman

The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they’re drawn out. It’s the same thing they do for the Vatican’s Secret Santa. –David Letterman

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie “Argo.” They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie “Shrek.” -Craig Ferguson

As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote. -Craig Ferguson

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas. -Craig Ferguson

Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work. –Jimmy Fallon

In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong. –Jimmy Fallon

There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, “Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?” –Jimmy Fallon

A 106-year-old woman in Ohio just received her high school diploma after 88 years. She may even go to college, but only if she gets that volleyball scholarship. –Jimmy Fallon

In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman. –Jay Leno

Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. It’s nice of him to step in and fill that. –Jay Leno

A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead. –Jay Leno

In England, gas is $10 a gallon. In fact, gas is so high in England that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again. –Jay Leno

The Obamas’ dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said “Wait, why am I still taking the train?” –Conan O’Brien

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he’s asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino. –Conan O’Brien

Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida. –Conan O’Brien

The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit. –Conan O’Brien

Tomorrow the College of Cardinals will gather at the Vatican, where they will vote four times a day until they select a new Pope. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll move onto the tiebreaker: “Rock, Bible, Scissors.” . –Jimmy Fallon

“Oz the Great and Powerful” made $80 million at the box office in its opening weekend. It tells the story of a con artist dealing with a bunch of witches. Or as he’s called these days, “The Bachelor.” . –Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that China is opening its own Disneyland, which Disney says will be both “authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese.” Which explains why the parents of Huey, Duey, and Louie had to pick just one. . –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt — and then the snowstorm hit. –Conan O’Brien

Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, “Now I’ll never see it.” –Conan O’Brien

Lawmakers in Hawaii passed a new law called the Steven Tyler Act. Basically the law gives men the right to gradually morph into old women. –Conan O’Brien

Wrangler is coming out with a pair of jeans that claims to fight cellulite as you wear them. Finally a pair of jeans your boyfriend can say you look fat in, but not for long. –Conan O’Brien

Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He’s a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don’t like. Chavez was, too. –Craig Ferguson

Today Chavez is being mourned all over South America. If he were here today, I’m sure he’d say, “Don’t cry for me, Argentina.” –Craig Ferguson

The people of Venezuela aren’t sure who’ll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher. –Craig Ferguson

South America was the birthplace of the Incan civilization. The Incans were sort of like the Mayans, except they didn’t go around falsely predicting the end of the world. –Craig Ferguson

They just passed something in Hawaii called the Steven Tyler Act. It’s a sweeping piece of legislation that says you must wear a scarf at all times. –Jimmy Kimmel

Actually it’s designed to protect celebrities from paparazzi by making it illegal to take unwanted pictures or video of them in private to sell for profit. No offense, but isn’t every photo of Steven Tyler an unwanted photo? –Jimmy Kimmel

Doesn’t the Steven Tyler Act sound like something we would create to protect ourselves from Steven Tyler? –Jimmy Kimmel

The world’s cardinals are meeting to prepare for the conclave that will choose the new Pope. The rumor is they already have a candidate selected and they’re just waiting on the results of the urine test to come back. –Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we’re in this situation in the first place? -Jay Leno

The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off. -Jay Leno

At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He’s not doing anything. -Jay Leno

Gas is so expensive, today I saw Bill O’Reilly carpooling with Bill Maher. -Jay Leno

There’s a big movie out today. It’s called “The Last Exorcism Part 2.” How can it be called “The Last Exorcism Part 2″? By definition, a movie called “last anything” can’t have a sequel. It’s not possible. Unless — unless Hollywood is run by profit-hungry liars. –Craig Ferguson

In the first “Last Exorcist,” a young girl gets possessed by Satan. The priest performs an exorcism to try and cast him out. I guess in part two, the devil returns because he forgot his wallet or something. –Craig Ferguson

Some people think I got this show because I made a deal with the devil. It’s true, actually. Nine years ago, the devil promised me great fame and untold wealth in exchange for my soul. But I broke the deal. Now I’m condemned to this place for all eternity. –Craig Ferguson

If you’re scheduling an exorcism, you need to make sure someone’s actually possessed. If a young woman looks sickly and pale and vomits all the time, she may just be an actress. –Craig Ferguson

Yesterday, Groupon fired the founder and CEO of the company. Yeah, he could tell something was up because today’s deal was his parking space. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that at least 50 percent of all pets in the United States are overweight. Veterinarians plan to treat this as a serious problem, or as fat pets put it, “Did you say treat?” -Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian said that couples should be together for at least six months before they decide to get married. And they should stay married for at least six days before they decide to get divorced. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that pessimistic people actually live longer than optimists, which would be great news for pessimists if they believed in great news. -Jimmy Fallon

As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: “Yes, We Vati-can.” -Jay Leno

We are now in the middle of Lent. The most common thing people are giving up for Lent this year? Watching NBC.  -Jay Leno

For the first time in history, NBC is fifth in the ratings. We are now behind the Spanish language channel Univision. As we call that here in Los Angeles, “Cinco de Ratings.” -Jay Leno

The ratings are so bad that today NBC called Manti Te’o to bring in some imaginary viewers. -Jay Leno

Today was Pope Benedict’s last day at work. Don’t be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee’s. –Conan O’Brien

The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, “Among you is the future Pope.” And then he said, “Now enter The Octagon.” They’re going to fight it out with holy relics. –Conan O’Brien

We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes — or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure. –Conan O’Brien

These budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise. –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in. –Craig Ferguson

Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn’t give the Pope his security deposit back. –Craig Ferguson

He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters. –Craig Ferguson

In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He’ll say, “Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You’re not going to the Vatican.” –Craig Ferguson

Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k). –Jimmy Kimmel

My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter — just like “The Bachelor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot’s license, but never got a driver’s license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can’t drive a car — just like Jesus before him. –Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that’s what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft. -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama’s new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he’ll have to be let go due to budget cuts. -Jimmy Fallon

Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, “Catch ya later.” -Jimmy Fallon

The NFL is investigating reports that several teams have asked players about their sexual orientation before drafting them. They’ve been asking questions like, “Do you have a girlfriend?” and “Is she real?” -Jimmy Fallon

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran’s nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen. –Conan O’Brien

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