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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

“The entire East Coast is covered with snow banks and snow drifts, or as Toyota drivers call them — ‘cushions.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told White House reporters that his meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders went, quote, ‘well.’ When asked why he was being vague, he was like, ‘because.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The East Coast is covered in snow right now. Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia got almost 35 inches over the weekend. And may get 20 more inches tomorrow. Schools and businesses were closed. They’re building snow-bamas all over the place.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The federal government was shut down today, and they estimate it cost about $100 million in lost productivity. The House is literally stuck in the House, and they can’t do anything. I have to admit, it is nice to see lawmakers shoveling something else for a change, isn’t it?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Most congressmen are actually taking this opportunity with all the snow to spend some quality time with their mistresses.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, be glad you’re not back East. Huge snowstorms. I don’t think Washington has seen a snow job like this since that last stimulus package.” –Jay Leno

“It was so cold, Nancy Pelosi  had to sit in her driveway for 10 minutes defrosting her eyeballs.” –Jay Leno

“It was so cold, Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn’t want to take her gloves off to read.” –Jay Leno

“And with all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn’t have to come in. Well, actually, just Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“And how about the commercials for Dockers? Where the guys in their underwear were singing, ‘I’m wearing no pants.’ I thought that was a new John Edwards for president campaign.” –Jay Leno

“But this President Obama, he had an idea about how to handle it. He’s going to let the Democrats handle the snow. They’ll put it on the back burner and hope it melts.” –David Letterman

“And now critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they’re wondering, rightly so, why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That’s what they were doing.” –David Letterman

“President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

“I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. But don’t confuse that with another Clinton policy — ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Hillary.’ That was a whole different policy.” –David Letterman

“Here is a historical fact. It was on this day in 1690, the first paper money was printed up in the colony of Massachusetts. The pilgrims realized that when they ran out of money, they could just print more. Thus, the federal government was born.” –Jay Leno

“At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, ‘Specifically, mine and Biden’s jobs.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody’s talking about the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it’s wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: ‘Who cares? We do that every election.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, the Oscar nominations were announced today, you guys. Best-actor nominees included George Clooney for ‘Up in the Air,’ Jeremy Renner for ‘The Hurt Locker,’ and President Obama for the ‘State of the Union.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. The new law will be called, ‘Let’s Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they’re going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they’ll bring it into the city.” –Jay Leno

“And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers?  Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They’d get off like that.” –Jay Leno

“Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can’t even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they’re coming from? Where do you — we can’t even play them. We don’t have machines that old.” –Jay Leno

“Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they’re going to offer the same deal to NBA players.” –Jay Leno

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

“In Washington this week, of course, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House for a change.” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again.” –Jay Leno

“Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!” –Jay Leno

“Democrats in Congress have scheduled a vote on health care for Christmas Eve. They said, this issue is so important, we’re willing to work even on Christmas Eve. You know, I think that’s great. I like that. I mean, anything that keeps drunk drivers off the road on Christmas Eve, you know, I think that’s terrific.” –Jay Leno

“This is big. The Senate is trying to pass health care by Christmas. They had to take a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. Yeah, they scheduled it for 1am because that’s when John McCain gets up to pee.” –Conan O’Brien

“I saw this today. President Obama said, ‘The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers’ money like it’s Monopoly money.’ Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred 12 Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we’re sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That’s like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has signed a new $1.1 trillion spending bill. See, the reason it’s called a spending bill is they get to spend it and we get the bill.” –Jay Leno

“Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he’s spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man’s fantasy life, to living every man’s real life.” –Conan O’Brien

“The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods’ wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she’s single she’ll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe.” –David Letterman

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Here are some of the very best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

“Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China.” –David Letterman

“I was walking around today on my lunch hour, and I noticed that there are fewer sidewalk Santas this year. And then I remembered that President Obama sent the Salvation Army to Afghanistan. So that’s what happened.” –David Letterman

“And this is good. Democratic leaders are hoping to pass healthcare reform before Christmas. And really, what better Christmas present could Obama give the country than the gift of not having to talk about healthcare anymore?” –Jimmy Fallon

“This is pretty amazing. Computer technicians have found 22 million missing White House e-mails from the Bush administration. In a related story, the White House gardeners were digging in the backyard yesterday; they found three former Dick Cheney hunting buddies buried right there.” –Jay Leno

“They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush’s excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn’t find a stamp.” –Jay Leno

“Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd.” –Jay Leno

“During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are ’sexy.’ He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, did you hear about this? According to TMZ, you know, Congress was supposed to award Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal, our highest civilian honor, then had to withdraw it, because of the scandal, which seems odd to me. I mean, what’s it up to now? Fifteen mistresses? That sounds like something Congress would give you a medal for, doesn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“It’s interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we’re fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, ‘Hey, I’m the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize.” –Jay Leno

“A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, ‘We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.’ Well, of course not. There’d be no politicians left if you did that.” –Jay Leno

“Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars.” –David Letterman

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.

“Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit — where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment — the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, ‘Earth Day.’” –Jay Leno

“Well, President Obama’s approval rating has hit a new low — 47 percent according to the latest Gallup poll. But White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that a ‘6-year-old with a crayon could’ come up with those same poll results. You know, I’ll bet it’s the same 6-year-old with a crayon that came up with the last budget they came out with.” –Jay Leno

“Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to ‘continue to spend our way out’ of the recession. Now, I don’t know much about economics, but aren’t we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn’t that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I’m just saying.” –Jay Leno

“I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods’s idea.” –Craig Ferguson

“Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn’t doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan.” –Jimmy Fallon

“They were like, the real issue wasn’t health care, two wars and unemployment, it’s who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he’s no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, ‘In light of the fact that Tiger has comforted himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I’m recommending that he run for Congress.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman’s Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama’s Head

10. Ends every argument with, “Yeah, and how many  Nobel Prizes have you won?”
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as “The Situation.”
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods’ house

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Here are the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians:

“And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I’ve got a good idea. Let’s put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!” –Jay Leno

“And last night in New York, for the third time in two weeks, Vice President Joe Biden’s motorcade was involved in a traffic accident. Remember the old days when the Vice President would just shoot you? No wonder they want universal healthcare.” –Jay Leno

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.’” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s been announced that President Obama’s first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems.” –Conan O’Brien

“In a new interview, President Obama said that the people could lose confidence in the U.S. economy if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, ‘Uh, way ahead of you, dude.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.” –Jay Leno

“Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, ‘I am not a crook.’ That’s back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician’s career. See, now it’s just part of the job.” –Jay Leno

“Obama and the Chinese president pledged to work together on climate change. Then they drove off in their Hummer motorcades.” –David Letterman

“Anyway, President Obama today met with Chinese leader Hu Jintao. But in China, the first name is actually the surname, so he’s known as President Hu. So of course, every time he meets an English-speaking leader, it’s like the Abbott and Costello routine. ‘Sir, Hu’s here.’ ‘Who’s here to see me?’ ‘That’s what I’m telling you. Hu.’ ‘What are you talking about?’” –Craig Ferguson

“Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There’s one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama’s advisers on the environment.” –Jimmy Fallon

“And while in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said, ‘Open criticism makes democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because its forces me to hear opinions I don’t want to hear.’ Then he went back to trashing Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“And while he was in Japan last week, the Japanese prime minister told President Obama ‘make yourself at home,’ so he took over Toyota. He’s running it now.” –Jay Leno

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Here are some of the very best jokes this week from the late night comedians:

“It’s been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” –Conan O’Brien

“Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That’s what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce.” –Conan O’Brien

“Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you’re hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?” –Jay Leno

“I mean, who goes hiking in Iraq? What was the rafting trip to Somalia all booked up?” –Jay Leno

“Remember the Congressman, William Jefferson, who the F.B.I. caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption. Prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 30 years. The Congressman is saying — he said he still did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd — Congress.” –Jay Leno

“Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” –Craig Ferguson

“When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over.” –David Letterman

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions.” –Jay Leno

“The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it’s just tough.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are the some of the best jokes of this week by the late night comedians.

“Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That’s right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.” –Conan O’Brien

“Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing.” –Jay Leno

“One year ago today, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president, one year ago today. One year later, we’re still in Iraq. We’re still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul.” –David Letterman

“Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It’s been a year, can you believe that? Yeah. A lot’s happened. Yeah. In one short year, Obama’s slogan has gone from, ‘Yes, we can,’ to ‘Wow, this is freakin’ hard.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn’t see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see.” –Jay Leno

“The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they’re going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they’re going to try it with Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the White House on Saturday, the Obama’s greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News.” –Jay Leno

“This weekend in Afghanistan, opposition candidate Abdullah Abdullah dropped out of the runoff presidential election. Yep, Abdullah Abdullah says he wants to spend more time with his wife Marjorie Marjorie.” –Conan O’Brien

“Abdullah Abdullah may be out of the race, but they say in four years his idiot son will be on the ballot. That would be Abdullah W. Abdullah.” –David Letterman

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Here are the best jokes from the late night comedians for this week.

“One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called ‘Barackula.’ Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called ‘Dick Cheney.’” -Conan O’Brien

“In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn’t sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it’s totally different.” -Jay Leno

“In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn’t sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it’s totally different.” -Jay Leno

“They say now that President Barack Obama’s playing a lot of golf. Did you know he plays a lot of golf? I didn’t know that. Good for him. Play golf. Play all the golf you want. The world is going to hell anyway. What possible difference could it make if he’s playing golf?” –David Letterman

“And an auditor found rampant fraud in the government’s first-time home buyers program. The auditor found that starter home money even went to 4-year-olds. Imagine that. Four-year-olds got a home loan, which is good news for Jon and Kate’s kids because now they can get their own place. Don’t have to deal with those two idiots anymore.” –Jay Leno

“After the President invited only men to play basketball with him earlier this month, the National Organization for Women is complaining that the Obama Administration has a ‘boy’s club’ atmosphere, not to be confused with the Clinton Administration, where they had a gentleman’s club atmosphere.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is in the news. He’s been criticized for only playing sports with other men. He’s been taking some slack for that lately, so yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, ‘Obama plays a round with another woman.’” –Conan O’Brien

“An MSNBC anchor, Contessa Brewer, made an embarrassing mistake on the air last week. She called Jesse Jackson, ‘Al Sharpton.’ Even worse than that, after he told her, ‘I’m Jesse Jackson,’ she said, ‘Are you the one that’s between Jermaine and Tito?’”–Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is. It is our secretary of state’s birthday. It is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. Happy birthday, Hillary. President Obama asked her what she wanted, she said ‘Your job.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Bill Clinton is planning a romantic candlelight dinner tonight. Then he’ll go home and see Hillary.” –Craig Ferguson

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians:

“Well, the big story out of Washington is this healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of 14-9, I believe it was. The Bill cost over $800 billion. And that’s just what lobbyists had to give to members of Congress.” –Jay Leno

“The good news is we’ll probably have some kind of improvement in our healthcare system. The bad news is it won’t be in our lifetime. It will never happen.” –Jay Leno

“And the Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years, as long as it takes!” –Jay Leno

“And for the first time in a year, the Dow closed above 10,000. You know what that means? More AIG bonuses!” –Jay Leno

“Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music. President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor at which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Nobel committee is saying the reason they gave Obama the peace prize is for reducing tension around the world. So, the runners-up for this year’s Nobel Prize were red wine and the Brookstone three-speed massaging recliner.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hey, did you see what happened today? President Obama won another Nobel prize today, this time in medicine, for pretending to give up smoking.” –Jay Leno

“The Treasury Department said yesterday that the Taliban is much better funded than al Qaeda. Al Qaeda said they would have done better if they had not invested everything with Bernie Madoff.” –Jimmy Fallon

“How awful is this? Police arrested a 30-year-old, Bountiful, Utah, man for fondling the nurse who was helping to deliver his baby. Move over John Edwards. We have a new nominee for husband of the year.” –Jay Leno

“When I call your name, please come up and claim your Nobel Peace Prize, all right?” –David Letterman

“Hey, President Barack Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. How about that? Meanwhile, right now at an Arizona senior citizens center, John McCain is screaming, ‘Bingo!’” –David Letterman

“President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s policy, ‘Don’t Know, Don’t Care.’ That’s a whole different deal.” –David Letterman

“Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will make an appearance on Donald Trump’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ It’s part of Trump’s plan to make his own hair look normal.” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s pretty amazing, winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

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