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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel:

Last night Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican race in Ohio by 1 percent. Then Romney said, “Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1 percent.” –Conan O’Brien

According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being totally freaked out by Rick Santorum. –Conan O’Brien

Apple unveiled the new iPad today. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models — which of course means I will trample over my own mother to get one. –Conan O’Brien

It’s being reported that Dunkin’ Doughnuts in China is adding pork doughnuts to the menu. For God’s sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything? –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney’s wife said she doesn’t even consider herself wealthy. She then said, “If you don’t believe me, just ask my chauffeur.” -Craig Ferguson

Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox. -Craig Ferguson

I’m excited about the new iPad. But then I’m excited about anything that is not the Republican primaries. -Craig Ferguson

I’m so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants. -Craig Ferguson

Today is the multi-state primary known as “Super Tuesday.” It’s going to be followed tomorrow by “Now we’re really stuck with Romney Wednesday.” –Conan O’Brien

In several of the Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. These are the same people who think Super Tuesday is Superman’s birthday. –Conan O’Brien

As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace. –Conan O’Brien

Snooki’s boyfriend reportedly proposed to her. Apparently he said, “Will you make me the happiest man on earth or do you still want to go through with this?” –Conan O’Brien

Ten states had their big primaries. Everyone says the big money’s on Mitt Romney. I mean literally. He’s so rich that money oozes from his pores. -Craig Ferguson

Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole. -Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney’s been out on the campaign trail even though he’s suffering from a terrible cold. I’m not surprised he’s sick. It’s very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that. -Craig Ferguson

It didn’t help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills. -Craig Ferguson

It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you. –Jay Leno

In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He’s created a lot of jobs in India. –Jay Leno

In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn’t want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November. –Jay Leno

Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. We should try this on Rush Limbaugh. –Jay Leno

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, “Swedish maid?” -Craig Ferguson

Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It’s pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is. -Jimmy Fallon

This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world’s oldest newlyweds. They’re registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond. -Jimmy Fallon

On their wedding night, the sign on their door just said, “This is disturbing.” -Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian is being sued for $5 million for endorsing a diet pill that doesn’t work. That’s weird — if there’s anyone who’s perfect to represent “not working,” it’s Kim Kardashian. -Jimmy Fallon

While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, “Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.” –Jay Leno

It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax. –Jay Leno

I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: “I guess you’re stuck with me.” –Jay Leno

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed. –Jay Leno

The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn’t embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head. –Conan O’Brien

A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama. –Conan O’Brien

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV. –Conan O’Brien

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You’re supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down. -Craig Ferguson

According to the survey, one of the unhappiest professions is people in the media. I know, because we’re insecure pieces of crap who whine into our lattes when something doesn’t go our way. -Craig Ferguson

Backstage we have a suggestion box. Employees are encouraged to anonymously write down any way they feel we could improve the show. And I have a secret web-cam watching the suggestion box so I know who to fire. And that makes me happy. -Craig Ferguson

The city that has the happiest workers is Miami. Because Miami has both things people need to be happy. Thongs and rollerblading. -Craig Ferguson

Multiple news sources are reporting that Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is pregnant. I read on Wikipedia that the average adult Snooki will give birth to a litter of between three and eight snooklets. –Jimmy Kimmel

Snooki has yet to confirm the rumor. I guess we’ll know she’s pregnant when the vodka breaks. . –Jimmy Kimmel

Police officers say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing gas from parked cars. Victims said they hadn’t felt that robbed since they put the gas INTO their car. -Jimmy Fallon

Next month is the premiere of the new show, “The Real Housewives of Vancouver.” You can tell it’s Canada — the housewives say nice things to each other’s faces, but then they go behind each other’s backs and say even nicer things. -Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that cavemen suffered from many of the same diseases that modern humans have. You could tell when one caveman was like, “Bunga-unga. Sorry, me dyslexic.” -Jimmy Fallon

“This week in Ohio, Mitt Romney has been trying to present himself as a blue-collar candidate. … Unfortunately it doesn’t help that his opening line is ‘Hello, my fellow peasants.’” –Conan O’Brien

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Craig Ferguson:

“Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It’s called Every Child Left Behind.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul looks like the guy you see in the horse-racing movies on the back stretch with a stopwatch.” –David Letterman

“Today is the 100th anniversary of the Oreo cookie. For New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, it’s a holy day.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was like, ‘I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today marks the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while tomorrow marks the 158th Republican debate.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow is leap day. This is something that only happens once every four years. Or as Newt Gingrich calls that, a sit-up.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That’s exactly the kind of misrepresentation I’d expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Romney campaign says they can’t figure out why the people of Michigan aren’t embracing their native son. Hmmm, let’s see. Could it be this editorial he wrote four years ago: ‘Let Detroit go bankrupt’?” –Craig Ferguson

“That shows Romney had the vision to put his foot in his mouth years before his competitors.” –Craig Ferguson

“It’s nothing compared to the piece Romney wrote last week for The Arizona Republic: ‘Accept your new Mexican overlords.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s leap day tomorrow. This is God’s way of punishing us by making the election year even longer.” –Jay Leno

“Kid Rock has formally endorsed Mitt Romney. Doesn’t Kid Rock look like the guy that Mitt Romney’s neighborhood watch group would call the cops on?” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum now says he’s against separation of church and state. But he’s not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” –David Letterman

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany’s.’” –David Letterman

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” –Conan O’Brien

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” –Conan O’Brien

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I’m sorry — strategic oil reserves.” –Jay Leno

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who’s more conservative. I think Santorum… he’s more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” –Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won’t go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man’s junk. That’s how bad.” –Jay Leno

“He won’t even blow his own soup.” –Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” –Jay Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie. –Jay Leno

Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven’t seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill. –Jay Leno

I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that the Electoral College is not for everyone. –Jay Leno

It’s being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control. –Conan O’Brien

Snooki is three months pregnant. Doctors say the young life form swimming in fluids of only minor brain development is going to have a very healthy baby. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists are looking into the world’s oldest murder case — a man who was murdered 5,000 years ago. Larry King immediately came forward with an alibi. –Conan O’Brien

Are you excited about leap day? I mean, my God, who doesn’t want an extra day of February? –David Letterman

They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters? –David Letterman

It is leap day. There are a lot of strange traditions. In Ireland and Norway, women are supposed to ask men to marry them and in Denmark if, the man refuses he must give the woman 12 pairs of his gloves. Come on, Danish ladies! If a man owns 12 pairs of gloves, he is probably not the marrying kind. At least not marrying a woman kind. –Craig Ferguson

Why do we need a leap day every four years? Because the earth orbits the sun every 365 days and six hours. In an astronomical sense, it is a tiny amount of time. Six hours. Scientists refer to it as a Kardashian . –Craig Ferguson

I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think. -Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple news sources, Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is pregnant. Which is unusual. They don’t usually mate in captivity. -Jimmy Kimmel

CNN asked Snooki’s publicist to confirm or deny the rumors. They got no comment. Remember when CNN talked about elections and hurricanes? -Jimmy Kimmel

In yesterday’s Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it’s gonna be a long night. -Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, “Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that’s my kind of guy.” -Jimmy Fallon

It’s leap day tomorrow. This is God’s way of punishing us by making the election year even longer. –Jay Leno

The new cast of “Dancing With the Stars” has been revealed. They’re leaving one spot open for whoever loses on Super Tuesday next week. –Jay Leno

Some sad news. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is reportedly in good condition after major surgery. –Jay Leno

It was revealed that Lady Gaga has a role in the movie “Men in Black 3.” She’s a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles. I don’t know what she is playing in the movie. –Craig Ferguson

Bill Nye the Science Guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than $50,000 in legal bills. Legal experts were shocked — they were like, “Bill Nye the Science Guy had a girlfriend?” -Jimmy Fallon

There was apparently an electrical fire today at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird — instead of calling 911, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Happy Presidents Day. We have a lot of Presidents Day sales. Mitt Romney got a little confused. He thought the presidency was for sale.” –Jay Leno

“You think he’s bad… Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn’t even want pirates touching their own booty.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is so anti-gay, he won’t even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.” –Jay Leno

“You can tell gas prices are going up in California. Prius owners are getting that smug look again.” –Jay Leno

“Here in New York City we celebrate Presidents Day by allowing people to park on both sides of the street.” –David Letterman

“The North Korea news agency is saying that the birds and the pandas and all the wildlife are moaning because they’re so depressed over the death of Kim Jong Il. Wait a minute. Is it possible they are moaning because they live in North Korea?” –David Letterman

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn’t invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday’s debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table — which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln, 6′4″. I think four of those feet were hat.” –Craig Ferguson

“People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn’t born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.” –Craig Ferguson

“He was going to be born in Kenya but it wasn’t socialist enough.” –Craig Ferguson

Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He’s not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you’re not an outsider. You’re just unpopular. –Jay Leno

Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty. –Jay Leno

A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can’t agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn’t make any sense. –Jay Leno

“Borat” star Sacha Baron Cohen has been banned from the Oscars. Producers are worried if Sacha Baron Cohen shows up, something interesting might happen. –Conan O’Brien

During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy. –Conan O’Brien

Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran’s nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail. –Conan O’Brien

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that’s wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn’t sound appealing to you, you’re not stoned right now. –Conan O’Brien

Reese Witherspoon, Academy Award-winning actress and beautiful young woman, is in Florida at the Yankees spring training camp. The Yankees are taking a look at her as a possible Alex Rodriguez girlfriend. –David Letterman

Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is “The Help.” It’s all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger. –David Letterman

At the White House they’re recovering after last night’s big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn’t running against him. –Craig Ferguson

Dutch scientists say they’ve created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about eight months they’ll have a complete hamburger patty. When I first heard this, I was shocked. There are dutch scientists? It’s got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on. –Craig Ferguson

There are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger, though. Is it healthy? Does it go with cheese? Can David Hasselhoff eat it off the floor? –Craig Ferguson

This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney. –Craig Ferguson

If your co-workers had ash on their heads today, it means they’re Catholic or they had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret. –Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

Beyoncé and Jay-Z were spotted at a Knicks game this week. They found a last-minute babysitter — the guy who used to play point guard before Jeremy Lin. –Jimmy Fallon

A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg wedge, it’s a total disaster. –Jimmy Fallon

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it’s due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it’s just a temporary thing. –Jay Leno

Italian police seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. bonds. Let that be a lesson. If you want to try and sell worthless financial instruments, you’d better be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. That’s the only way you’re going to get away with it. –Jay Leno

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that’s totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people. –Jay Leno

Dutch scientists say the world’s first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds. –Jay Leno

It’s been reported that Mitt Romney’s campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they’re earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all. –Conan O’Brien

Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly. –Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has outlawed gay marriage with one exception. He said Ben and Jerry, they’re OK. They can go ahead and get married. –David Letterman

Usually the only thing Chris Christie vetoes is a salad. –David Letterman

Scientists have now created artificial meat. They’ve done so with stem cells in a test tube. Is your mouth watering? –David Letterman

Today is Mardi Gras. That’s French for Fat Tuesday. Unfortunately we’re all so politically correct these days, Fat Tuesday is now officially known as “Big Boned Day.” –Craig Ferguson

At one end of Bourbon Street they actually have a gay Mardi Gras celebration. Who would have guessed that a party centered on jewelry and feathers would attract a gay crowd? –Craig Ferguson

I love New Orleans. It’s a great place with resilient people. They bounced back after an incredible tragedy. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles we’re still recovering from last month’s drizzle. –Craig Ferguson

Bob Morris, a state lawmaker from Fort Wayne, Ind., has decided not to support a proposal to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. He believes the Girl Scouts is a, quote, radicalized organization that supports homosexuality and abortion. I’m all for freedom of speech, but that kind of talk might get you picked as Rick Santorum’s running mate. –Jimmy Kimmel

Girl Scouts sell cookies. They don’t promote homosexuality. They promote obesity. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, “Vote Mitt Romney — or else we’ll keep doing this.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Oscars are this Sunday, and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. But in fairness, half of them are just Brad Pitt’s kids cheering him on. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. There’s even a name for that group: Art History majors. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel:

The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important. –Jay Leno

President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece. –Jay Leno

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks’ player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada? –Jay Leno

Did you all have a nice Valentine’s Day yesterday? Do you know how St. Valentine died? He was beheaded by the emperor Claudius — right after Claudius saw how much he was charging for a dozen roses. –Jay Leno

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at “The Price Is Right.” Barack Obama, come on down! –Conan O’Brien

A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth. –Conan O’Brien

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man’s plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton. –Conan O’Brien

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, “For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.” -David Letterman

I had to go to the doctor for my annual physical. My doctor has seen me go from unemployed actor to unemployed actor with a talk show. -Craig Ferguson

He said I have the arteries of a 35-year-old, a 20-year-old’s metabolism, and a 10-year-old’s sense of humor. -Craig Ferguson

The obesity rate among school kids has been on the rise. Schools are having to order special desks and seats for students who are particularly obese. Is exercise just out of the question now? -Jimmy Kimmel

There is one good thing about our students getting fatter. Our teachers are now less likely to want to have sex with them. ? -Jimmy Kimmel

Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back. –Jimmy Fallon

A court in Germany has reopened a 400-year-old case involving a woman who was found guilty of witchcraft. And if that woman is still alive for the trial, I’m gonna go ahead and say “Guilty.” –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. That’s crazy. My dog doesn’t want to watch TV — not when I just got him an iPad. –Jimmy Fallon

New Jersey has passed a bill legalizing gay marriage. Now comes the hard part — finding gay couples who want to actually live in New Jersey. –Jay Leno

A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. Would that be a white-collar crime? Luckily, he made a clean getaway. –Jay Leno

Papa John’s is offering a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine’s Day. It’s for the wife who has everything, except a husband who knows what a woman wants for Valentine’s Day. –Conan O’Brien

The son of Hugh Hefner has been arrested on a charge of domestic violence. When he heard this, Hugh Hefner said, “Son, there’s a right way and a wrong way to disrespect women.” –Conan O’Brien

I’d give you Valentine’s tips, but if you’re watching this show, clearly your Valentine’s Day has gone horribly wrong. -Craig Ferguson

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came out today. On Valentine’s Day. That doesn’t seem appropriate. Photographs of busty young women. It’s like handing out free bacon on Passover. -Craig Ferguson

The most popular Valentine’s Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800s, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you’re going to be alone, who cares if you get fat. -Craig Ferguson

This year, I gave my girlfriend her gift for next Valentine’s Day. I gave her a pack of seeds. That way, she can grow her roses the old-fashioned way. -Jimmy Kimmel

On Valentine’s Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don’t need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he’s going to hump your leg. -Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama urged men to “go big” for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China’s money can buy. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the awards at this week’s Westminster Dog Show went to Martha Stewart’s chow chow named Genghis Khan. If Martha wanted to name the dog after a ruthless tyrant, she should have gone with “Martha Stewart.” –Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump’s hair won top prize at the Westminster Dog Show. –Jimmy Fallon

And congratulations to Paris Hilton. She was given a special humanitarian award for choosing not to release an album last year. –Jay Leno

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine’s Day headquarters. Guys, if that’s your Valentine’s Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home. –Jay Leno

White Castle is offering candlelit dinner service for Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect way to tell your partner, “I’m hungry and I don’t love you that much.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine’s Day. And guys who forget Valentine’s Day will spend over $100 billion. –Conan O’Brien

Last night Adele won six Grammys. The wins made Adele so happy, she now has nothing left to sing about. –Conan O’Brien

The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They’re headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication. –Conan O’Brien

The original Barbie is now worth $10,000. You know what means? I have 80 grand displayed on my nightstand. -Craig Ferguson

Today in New York City is the Westminster Dog Show. It’s the Oscars of dog shows. The Westminster Dog Show and the Oscars are very different, of course. One’s nothing but yapping and butt-sniffing. The other one’s the dog show. -Craig Ferguson

Valentine’s Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn’t a holiday. It’s a horror movie. -Jimmy Kimmel

Here’s a good tip. If your girlfriend or your wife gives you that speech about how she doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day and how it’s a holiday invented by corporations, don’t fall for it. -Jimmy Kimmel

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too. –Jimmy Fallon

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren’t suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” -Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“Congratulations once again to the world champion New York Giants. They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two rings. Two! But that’s still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“In a huge victory for gay rights, a federal appeals court today ruled that California cannot ban same-sex marriage. If you want to respect the sanctity of marriage, ban Kardashian weddings, okay. Why don’t you ban those? Those do more damage…” –Jay Leno

“According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It’s always the voters who get screwed – right?” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband, and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno

“I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on a package of underwear.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said he doesn’t really care about poor people. Now he’s backtracking, and he’s saying he connects with poor people. Yeah, the same way Tom Brady connects with Wes Welker.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich says that people who ride on subways here in New York are the elite. I was on the subway today and one of the elites sitting next to me was smoking crack.” –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich didn’t bother to campaign in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. But he’s vowed to stay in the race until the Republican convention. However, Newt doesn’t have a great track record as far as sticking to his vows go.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.” –Conan O’Brien

Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions. –Jay Leno

Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers. –Jay Leno

Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get. –Jay Leno

Jack in the Box just came out with a bacon milkshake. Why don’t they just change their name to Jack in the Coffin? –Jay Leno

Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said “$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.” –Conan O’Brien

A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies. –Conan O’Brien

A new product that’s coming out lets you consume caffeine by inhaling it. The product brings Starbucks one step closer to its ultimate dream, charging $9 for air. –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement. –David Letterman

It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him. –David Letterman

According to new research, playing iPhone games like “Angry Birds” and “Words With Friends” can improve your memory. Yeah, it can help you remember distant events like the last time you actually talked to a person. -Jimmy Fallon

Police in New York are looking for a bald man who stole three boxes of Rogaine. Yeah, he’s bald and doesn’t have the money to buy Rogaine, which explains who’s not looking for him — women. -Jimmy Fallon

Police in Kentucky arrested a naked man covered in chocolate and peanut butter after he broke into a grocery store. So I guess there is a wrong way to eat a Reese’s. -Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that the average guy will spend about $200 on Valentine’s Day this year. Yep, that’s 20 bucks for flowers and 180 bucks for last-minute delivery of flowers. -Jimmy Fallon

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele publicly criticized the Patriots receivers for dropping some of her husband’s passes. You know, it’s one thing when you get chewed out by your coach. But to get chewed out by a a supermodel, that’s got to hurt. –Jay Leno

Patriots coach Bill Belichick was not happy after the game. I haven’t seen a man that miserable come out of Indiana since Letterman. –Jay Leno

NBC charged advertisers $5 million for a 30-second spot — $7 million a minute. That’s almost as much as the Kardashian wedding. –Jay Leno

President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. You know, I got a better idea. How about sanctions against our banks for deceptive practices? –Jay Leno

Madonna came into the Super Bowl halftime show carried by muscle-bound men. It’s a good thing she wasn’t carried in by the Patriots, because they would have dropped her. –Craig Ferguson

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial.” –David Letterman

“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” –David Letterman

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” –Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn’t use a solid gold toilet.” –Craig Ferguson

‎”Mitt didn’t just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt’s tax rate.” –Stephen Colbert

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he’s now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he’s switching back to Viagra.” –Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?” –Jay Leno

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” –Jay Leno

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” –Jay Leno

“It’s the first day of Black History Month. So if you’re watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

“Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It’s called Mexico.” –Jay Leno

“After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at ‘American Idol’ have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul’s book will be appraised on the next edition of ‘Antiques Roadshow.’” –Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.” –Conan O’Brien

“Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.” –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden’s killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and ‘Could you please release it two days before the election?’” –Conan O’Brien

“The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China’s No. 1 reality TV show, ‘Toddlers Making Tiaras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.” –Craig Ferguson

“A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.” –Craig Ferguson

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It’s like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” –Jay Leno

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, “I knew I got out too soon!” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I’ll cover for you.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” –Conan O’Brien

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Obama goes for the youth vote answering young peoples’ questions on YouTube today. As result, Obama’s new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL’ and 45% ‘Totally Gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It’s not unlike getting Carrot Top’s endorsement for an Academy Award.” –Jimmy Kimmel

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay leno, David Letterman, Conan O”Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jimmy Fallon:

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them. –Conan O’Brien

Olive Garden announced they’re undergoing a makeover to try to increase business. They’re so desperate they’re even considering serving Italian food. –Conan O’Brien

A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, “I’ll be there in five teachers.” –Conan O’Brien

What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address last night in Washington, D.C. Did the Supreme Court justices really need to wear their robes to that? –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a new episode of “American Idol” on tonight. Tonight’s auditions were held in aspen. Where else better to find talent than a snowbound town that’s 400 miles by icy road to the nearest city? ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook users probably know, in September, the site unveiled the Facebook profile page, which they call “timeline.” Or more fittingly, “waste of timeline.” ? –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s revolutionary because it allows your friends and co-workers to see drunken photographs of you, not just from last night, but from any point in your existence. ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned$42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it’s a nickname they give you based on your search history. –Conan O’Brien

Here in California, some Starbucks stores have begun selling beer and wine. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t buy Michael Buble CDs.” –Conan O’Brien

Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It’s his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations. –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic. –Jimmy Kimmel

Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love. –Jimmy Kimmel

Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

The San Francisco subway system was shut down when some idiot drove an SUV into a subway tunnel. Boy, that Italian cruise ship captain is having a bad week. –Jay Leno

More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here’s the worst part — he ordered it to go. –Jay Leno

That guy has brought more shame to the Italian people than Olive Garden. –Jay Leno

President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck. –David Letterman

I find it fascinating that your average automobile has a better navigation system than an Italian cruise ship. –David Letterman

That Italian captain is a regular Sully Sullenberger, isn’t he? Instead of landing a plane on water, he landed a ship on rocks. –David Letterman

President Obama wants to remind Americans of the things he has taken care of — bin Laden, adios. Gadhafi, bye-bye. And Regis is gone. –David Letterman

President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones. –Jimmy Kimmel

During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops. . –Jimmy Fallon

The Baltimore Ravens will travel to New England to take on the Patriots. When asked if they were excited for the game, quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.” . –Jimmy Fallon

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. –Jay Leno

You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better. –Jay Leno

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries. –David Letterman

I saw the videotape of the rat hopping around on the buns. The rat is wearing a hair net, so . . –David Letterman

Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago. –Jimmy Fallon

Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 68 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. While the rest are both. –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

“Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama will be going to Disney World where he’ll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?” –Jay Leno

“Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver’s license.” –Jay Leno

“A cardiologist now says that former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards’ trial has to be delayed because Edwards has a life-threatening condition. Hey, don’t all husbands who cheat have a life-threatening condition?” –Jay Leno

“Because of a protest, starting at midnight, Wikipedia is going to shut down for 24 hours. In fact, it’s 11:05, so you have less than one hour to get most of your facts wrong.” –Conan O’Brien

“At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk.” –Conan O’Brien

“King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, ‘I’m telling Kim Jung Mom.’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is visiting Disney World on Thursday to promote a new plan to boost tourism. Of course, it’s going to be awkward when he walks into the ‘Hall of Presidents’ and sees them making room for Mitt Romney.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Obama doesn’t pay admission to Disney World. He just charges it to the China section of Epcot.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, ‘Things you were probably doing already.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“At the first Republican debate, they were standing behind podiums, then they had them at a round table, and then one night they had them in bunk beds.” –David Letterman

“Wikipedia is going dark to protest a bill that’s before Congress. I know what you’re thinking: ‘If Wikipedia is dark, who’ll supply America with bogus facts?’” –Craig Ferguson

“This SOPA bill is aimed at going after Internet pirates. Not old-school pirates, but the modern pirates, who use hard drives.” –Craig Ferguson

“On one hand, this bill threatens free speech, the bedrock on which this country is founded. On the other hand, it’s supported by Viacom, which owns CBS.” –Craig Ferguson

“The bill was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It’s because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they’ve already made.” –Craig Ferguson

There’s a new app that lets you post a message on Facebook after you die. Now you can finish off that message you were typing right before you got into the head-on collision. -Jay Leno

According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren’t even aware Congress is doing a job. -Jay Leno

An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets. -Jay Leno

To protest an Internet censorship law, Wikipedia has shut down for 24 hours. So if anyone is trying to look up by bio on Wikipedia, I’m 31, an Olympic medalist, and married to Scarlett Johansson. –Conan O’Brien

To help working mothers in Indonesia, a company is providing breast milk couriers. What happens is the courier takes the milk from the factory where the mother works and takes it to the factory where the baby works. –Conan O’Brien

They found an opossum on the subway, and not only that, but in the opossum’s pouch, they found a loaded weapon. –David Letterman

Here’s what we know about the opossum. What they do is pretend to play dead so predators will leave them alone. Well, isn’t that everybody on the subway?  –David Letterman

From nose to tail, it was two feet long. And it was so big, at first the transit authority thought it was a small New York City rat.  –David Letterman

President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words “Obama” and “well done” appeared in the same sentence. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, a British Airways crew mistakenly told passengers that their plane was about to crash into the ocean. They made an even scarier announcement later: “Your in-flight movie will be ‘Yogi Bear.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, the crew told passengers their plane was about to crash, but it turns out a flight attendant hit the wrong button. I don’t know what’s worse — getting lied to about crashing into the ocean, or knowing it happens so often there’s a button for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day everyone in my studio audience decided to celebrate by seeing the whitest man on television. –Conan O’Brien

According to a study, the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. Yeah, especially if you’re a Broncos fan who supports Jon Huntsman. –Conan O’Brien

One of the products unveiled at the Consumers Electronics Show is a remote for your television that you control with your mind. When you think “on,” it turns on the TV. When you stop thinking completely, it turns on “Jersey Shore.” –Conan O’Brien

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. –Craig Ferguson

Some of the guys who escaped from Alcatraz made dummies of their heads and put them in their beds to fool the guards. I did the same thing here last time I interviewed Regis Philbin. He never figured it out. –Craig Ferguson

The most famous Alcatraz inmates are probably Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly. But I think Machine Gun Kelly was destined for a life of crime. –Craig Ferguson

Some big election news. Jon Huntsman has officially dropped out of the 2012 presidential race. Wow, not having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail is gonna be like . . . Well, it’s gonna be like having Jon Huntsman on the campaign trail. –Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, “I’m also lonely!” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

“Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.” –Craig Ferguson

“In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don’t do well because this is the night when many of them realize, ‘I served all those people pancakes for nothing.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich thinks he’s the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd. He has the all-important ’snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors’ demographic.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“I came up with a great slogan for Romney. “It’s time to Mitt or get off the pot.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it’s not easy keeping a roof over your family’s heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.” –Jay Leno

“In Saturday night’s Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.” –Jay Leno

“While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was ‘ready to rock and roll.’ Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to ‘easy listen.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he’d better call a doctor.” –David Letterman

“Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he’s a regular Justin Bieber.” –David Letterman

“During yesterday’s debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the ‘pious baloney.’ Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, ‘Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, ‘It was a pretty sick pass.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of ‘Scooby-Doo’ they did.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.” –Jay Leno

“During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.” –Conan O’Brien

“The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is ‘Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.” –Conan O’Brien

“I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.” –Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States. –Jay Leno

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, “Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ” He said at least it’s giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states. . –Jay Leno

According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again. . –Jay Leno

They’re considering legislation to make it easier for same-sex couples who get married in the nation’s capital to get divorced. Lawmakers say gay couples should be awarded the same rights as a Kardashian. . –Jay Leno

The thing I don’t like about Romney is that he’s not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians. –Craig Ferguson

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled “The Best President.” Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen. -Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that last year, America’s obesity rate actually went down. Yeah, the study was conducted by that one researcher: guy who hasn’t been to the mall in a year. –Jimmy Fallon

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney is now two-for-two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry’s campaign merchandise is now two-for-one. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s talk that MySpace is planning to launch its own Web TV service. And if you think that’s exciting, then you must work for MySpace. –Jimmy Fallon

Wal-Mart is now offering free tax advice at more than 3,000 of its stores. Finally answering the question, “Where can I get tax advice, kitty litter, and a shotgun all in one convenient location?” –Jimmy Fallon

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien:

“Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it’s also known, ‘old white guy Mardi Gras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen more debates.” –David Letterman

“I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya.” –Craig Ferguson

“The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il’s son. That’s an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly.” –Craig Ferguson

“The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, ‘Operation Regret This In Five Years.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of ‘Yo Gabba Gabba.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn’t end, we are so screwed.” –Jay Leno

Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. –Jay Leno

The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled. –Jay Leno

It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother’s immigration status. Apparently his mom didn’t know you could just walk over from Mexico. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here’s the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain. –Jay Leno

I have a New Year’s resolution. This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars, okay? –Jay Leno

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When’s the last time you even ran into a Mayan? –Jay Leno

Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don’t have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan. –Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months. –Conan O’Brien

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, “I mean what I say.” Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye. –Conan O’Brien

There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore. –David Letterman

So now that Michele O’Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo. –David Letterman

How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney. –David Letterman

Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he’s staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he’d make a good president after all. –Craig Ferguson

They say the day people go back to work after the holidays was the most depressing day of the year. Funny thing. People who don’t have jobs are depressed because they don’t have one and those of us who do are depressed that we do. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to new poll done by “60 minutes,” 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney’s real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That’s true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he’s got my vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dakota Fanning is on the cover of the new Cosmo. She’s only 17. To be on the cover of Cosmo, shouldn’t you be old enough to drink one? –Jimmy Kimmel

France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy and give up. At which point they’re named a French citizen. –Jimmy Fallon

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that’s cool, this morning the “Angry Birds” app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator. –Jimmy Fallon

The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. And this is convenient. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of “Jersey Shore” this Thursday at 10:00 p.m. –Jimmy Fallon

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