“President Obama is going on ‘The View’ to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to ‘General Hospital’ to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works.” –Jay Leno

“With Arizona’s new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there’s a new slogan: ‘What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico.’” –Jay Leno

“Congress’ approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent.” –Jay Leno

“Continental announced a new feature called ’self boarding.’ There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s ‘Terrorists Fly Hassel-free’ program.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is in town for an appearance on ‘The View.’ He probably won’t get a word in edgewise, but he said he’s used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law.” –David Letterman

“A guy in New York robbed a bank wearing clown pants, a wig, and a bra. I thought to myself, This could be a thousand guys living in the Village.” –David Letterman

“Elmhurst, Ind. wants to make it illegal to roll your eyes in public. But what if Rod Blagojevich comes to town and declares his innocence?” –David Letterman

“A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, ‘Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.’” –Craig Ferguson

“BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly ‘demonized’ in the U.S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama’s new message to the American people is ‘things could be a lot worse.’ We’ve gone from ‘change you can believe in’ to ‘things could be a lot worse.’ The sequel is never as good as the original.” –Jay Leno

“BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.” –Jay Leno

“An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.” –Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that ‘Jersey Shore’ is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like ‘The Sopranos.’” –Jay Leno

“Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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“Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State.” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes.” –Conan O’Brien

“And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, ‘Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.’” –Jay Leno

“President-elect Barack Obama had his first day in Washington. Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago for Washington D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Governor Blagojevich sold his house.” –Jay Leno

“Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” –Stephen Colbert

“Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.” –David Letterman

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

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“The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don’t care who the groom is as long as it’s not Levi Johnston.” –Jay Leno

“According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren’t geniuses.” –Jay Leno

“AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls.” –Jay Leno

“The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in ‘Wicked,’ then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, ‘That’s fine, I wasn’t planning on aiming that high anyway.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the ‘Iced Tea Party.’” –David Letterman

“Apparently BP’s containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, ‘Aren’t there any more Mel Gibson tapes?’” –Craig Ferguson

“Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.” –Jay Leno

“All of Mel Gibson’s troubles could have been avoided if he’d just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through.” –Jay Leno

“Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can’t wait to start shooting, but that’s totally unrelated.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today is a day of cautious optimism. The BP well has been capped and Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, but we’re not sure how long either one is going to hold.” –Jay Leno

“For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4.” –Jay Leno

“Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It’s not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall.” –Jay Leno

“Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota.” –Jay Leno

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“There’s now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah. But, Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can’t even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel.” –Jay Leno

“Mel Gibson apologized to the Jewish community for anti-Semitic remarks he made when he was drunk. Yeah, then Gibson apologized to Catholics for not being able to hold his liquor.” –Conan O’Brien

“Mr. Gibson announced today that he will be entering rehab — the Betty Ford Center for his alcoholism, and I believe the Henry Ford Center For Anti-Semitism.” –Jon Stewart

“As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don’t know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz.” –Jay Leno

“The sheriff said that Mel’s blood alcohol was .12. Give you an idea how high that is, half a point higher and he would officially be a Kennedy.” –Jay Leno

“They said on the news that if he is convicted he could face up to 14 days in the ‘Thunderdome.’” –Jay Leno

“Police said today that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel’s Lexus. So let’s sum up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America.” –Jay Leno

“Condoleezza Rice has been extremely busy this week, shuttling back and forth between Israel and Mel Gibson’s house.” –Jay Leno

“There are people already trying to capitalize on the Mel Gibson Jewish controversy. In fact a DVD of the arrest just came out. It’s called ‘Goys Gone Wild.’” –Jay Leno

“There’s some controvery about Mel Gibson’s for a DUI in Malibu. They think he may have gotten special treatment. There’s a police report that says instead of handcuffing him like they usually do, the arresting officer opened the door and asked Mel nicely to step in. I think right about now, Rodney King is going, ‘I should have been an actor!’” –Jay Leno

“Mel Gibson learned his lesson. He said it’s the last time he tries to outdrink Lindsay Lohan.” –Jay Leno

“A lot of people are mad at Mel Gibson. Yesterday on The View, Barbara Walters said because of his anti-Semitic remarks, she will never see a Mel Gibson movie again. Yeah, Walters said, as far as I’m concerned, he’s Star Jones to me” –Conan O’Brien

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“At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I’d keep that a secret. You don’t want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?” –Jay Leno

“Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a ‘heart.’” –Craig Ferguson

“After complaints about women being forced to wear veils on their face, the French parliament approved a ban on burqas. It is, however, still legal in France to wear the same sour-smelling shirt 20 days in a row.” –Jimmy Fallon

“South Korea has new robots along its border with North Korea that can detect and kill intruders. Meanwhile they’re installing robots along the U.S. border that say ‘Hola.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that’s spewing from there. And if it works, they’re going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.” –Craig Ferguson

“Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, ‘Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can’t get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can’t even get Roman Polanski.” –Jay Leno

“Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona’s to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost.” –Jay Leno

“Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard.” –Jay Leno

“On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.” –Jay Leno

“Can you believe another Mel Gibson recording came out? They keep getting more insane. Even bin Laden was like, ‘Hey, I say a lot of things on my tapes, but this guy is crazy, man. I would never talk to any of my wives like that.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup yesterday. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona.” –Jay Leno

“Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they’re confident.” –Jay Leno

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“There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” –Craig Ferguson

“You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everybody is talking about it. Everyone’s blogging about this, and now there are reports online that his daughter and her husband are splitting up. I bet this is the one week where Al Gore wishes he didn’t invent the Internet.” –Jimmy Fallon

“After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man’s carbon footprints.” –Bill Maher

“They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he’d hug a tree, he’d linger.” –Bill Maher, on Al Gore

“Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore. And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global cooling.” –David Letterman

“Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper are splitting up— I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are ’separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.’ You know, even his divorce is boring.” –Jay Leno

“Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington’s happiest married couple?” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday Al Gore told members of Congress ‘that the planet has a fever and it needs a doctor.’ When the congressmen heard this, they asked Gore, ‘You won an Oscar for this?’” –Conan O’Brien

“Al Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue, it should be a moral issue. And Congress went, ‘A moral issue? What’s that?’” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. … Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It’s always had a green theme — money and envy.” –Jay Leno

“The big winner of the night was global warming. Everyone jumped on the hybrid bandwagon. But if you ask me, any lowering of emissions they achieved with the limos was canceled out by the amount of smoke they blew up Al Gore’s ass.” –Stephen Colbert

“If any of you at home are wondering about the former vice president’s seeming largess, I will have you know, he has not gained weight. He is so passionate about saving this Earth, he is trying not to exhale. … Here’s an inconvenient truth: cake isn’t a food group” –Jon Stewart

“You all ready for the Oscars? … Al Gore is expected to win for his documentary on global warming. I hope he … includes President Bush in the acceptance speech. I mean, without President Bush, we probably wouldn’t have a lot of this global warming.” –Jay Leno

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“You people are so lucky you live in California. This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. … It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt.” –Jay Leno

“Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser.” –Jay Leno

“While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later.” –Jay Leno

“You hear about this? Michael Steele said that — well, he’s in trouble, actually — for saying the war in Afghanistan was Obama’s war, and it was unwinnable. In fact, Steele felt so sorry for it, he said today he went to his favorite bondage nightclub, demanded to be spanked.” –Jay Leno

“Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we’re fighting to escape British oil.” –Jay Leno

“They say traces of BP’s oil has started turning up in disturbing places, like congressmen’s pockets.” –Jay Leno

“Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran.” –Jay Leno

“Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives.” –David Letterman

“Ladies and gentlemen, news from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives.” –David Letterman

“But, seriously, Larry has really been trying to slow down, of course, since his recent death.” –David Letterman

“Here’s how savvy the Russian spies are and were — they knew four years ago that Ricky Martin was gay.” –David Letterman

“They’re having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?” –David Letterman

“BP executives are saying that Hurricane Alex has rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed.” –Craig Ferguson

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“A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, “Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’” —Bill Maher

“Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley — all dependents.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.” –Jay Leno

“As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.” –Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” –Craig Ferguson

“Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers’ money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives.” –Craig Ferguson

“President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

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“General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, ‘What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When’d they start that? Is that new?’” –Jay Leno

“So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, ‘We’ll hire him.’” –Jay Leno

“Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the ‘LOL.’” –Jay Leno

“Today, President Obama fired General Stanley McChrystal, saying McChrystal showed poor judgment in his Rolling Stone interview. It turns out when it comes to criticizing the White House, the general’s policy is ‘just ask, and I’ll tell.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“On the ‘Today’ show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama is being criticized now. Here’s the problem. The British Petroleum guy, Tony Hayward, was on his yacht recently. Everybody thought, whoa, this idiot. I mean, the Gulf of Mexico is turning to asphalt and the British Petroleum guy is relaxing on his yacht. When he heard about that, President Obama was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” –Jay Leno

“It’s two days since Father’s Day, so John Edwards, you can come out now! It’s safe!” –Jay Leno

“Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Researchers found that most parents don’t know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options.” –Jimmy Fallon

“People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.” –David Letterman

“In his defense, Tony twittered that the oil spill was still his top priority. And I think you know that a guy really cares when he tweets from his yacht.” –David Letterman

“Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?” –Jay Leno

“Because of the success of ‘Toy Story 3,’ Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It’s BP presents ‘Try Finding Nemo Now.’” –Jay Leno

“While the whole oil mess has been going on, President Obama spent the weekend playing golf with Vice President Biden. Biden’s handicap is 16 and Obama’s handicap is Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama also went to the White Sox-Nationals game this weekend and actually sang ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game.’ However, critics were quick to point out that while his singing sounded good, it seemed like he really didn’t say anything.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It’s rumored that President Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family.” –Jimmy Fallon

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“Last night, President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office about his plan to clean up the oil spill. Did you folks get a chance to see it? Yeah. Well, I’m glad that problem’s behind us.” –David Letterman

“President Obama made a lot of promises that he can’t possibly keep. I mean, it’s like he’s campaigning again, really.” –David Letterman

“He assured the nation that the gulf will be cleaned up and restored to even greater beauty and prosperity. Well, you know what that means. He’s started drinking. That’s the only possible explanation.” –David Letterman

“And then today, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I’m thinking, good luck. They can’t even clean up their gas station restrooms.” –David Letterman”By this point, it’s not even an ‘oil spill’ anymore. Spill is a little accident that can easily be cleaned up. Calling this a ’spill’ is like calling World War II a ‘tiff.’” –Craig Ferguson

“A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, ‘Look, I don’t pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They’re separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil.” –Jimmy Fallon

“You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future.” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012.” –Jay Leno

“Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama also ordered a lemon-lime snow cone on the beach. A little awkward. Obama was like, ‘Forget the oil spill for a minute. Can we figure out how to fix the leaks in the bottom of these paper cone things?’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of the oil spill, yesterday, BP ordered 32 oil-separating machines designed by Kevin Costner. Costner said, all along, a voice kept telling him, ‘If you build it and there’s a huge oil spill and the oil company and government have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to clean it up, they will come.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, President Obama said today he’s going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?” –Jay Leno

“Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they’ve never seen anybody who could lie better than they can.” –Jay Leno

“You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago.” –Jay Leno

“Hey, have you been following what’s been going on in the South Carolina Democratic primary for the Senate? This is very bizarre. A man named Alvin Greene has won the Democratic primary. But he didn’t go to any campaign events, spent no money, gave no speeches, was kicked out of the Army, he’s unemployed, he lives with his mother, and he’s facing felony charges for showing lewd photos to students. I know. Sounds like a senator to me.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’” –David Letterman

“The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I’ll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing.” –David Letterman

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