Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Hors D’oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Jack Benny

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I don’t want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny

Modesty is my best quality.
Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
George Burns

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
George Burns

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