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It’s time for another episode of “It Could be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be much worse than they seem if you just find something to compare it to. (It’s especially true around the holidays.)

It could be worse:

The Mayan calendar could have been correct.

If you were Hillary Clinton, you could have been wearing a dress instead of the traditional pants suit when you fell down and hit your head, giving yourself a concussion, and even Bill wouldn’t have tried to look up your dress.

You could be Hillary again and every time you hear mention of Benghazi you faint and hit your head.

You could be playing Santa in a mall and you’d have a lot of fat kids sitting on your lap all day for a month.

It could be Christmas and you could be Charlie Brown.

Joe Biden could be put in charge of reforming gun control.  Oh wait!  That is happening!!  Or as Biden would say, “This is a big f______ deal!”

You could be so into the spirit of the Christmas season that you could watch a porn film and 5 minutes later you realize that you can’t remember the plot.

If you are a Republican and you don’t enjoy your Christmas celebration you can’t even blame George W. Bush, like the Democrats will.

You could be eating Christmas dinner at Denny’s… (To anyone that is eating at Denny’s, you could be eating at McDonald’s – and so on down the food chain.)

You could be Tim Tebow after splitting up with actress Camilla Belle and now you’re not having sex with everyone again instead of not having sex with just her.

And finally, you could not believe in the true spirit of Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

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It’s time for another episode of It Could be Worse, where you can look at something and see how things could always be worse than they seem:

It could be worse:

You could be Khloe Kardashian and not only be a Kardashian but now also have O.J. Simpson claiming he is your father.

You could be an iPhone 5 buyer and when you open up the box it has a note inside that says, “SUCKA!”

You could be reading the new McDonald’s menu that’s shows the calorie count on all the menu items so that their customers can make health conscious decisions and not realize that if you are reading the McDonald’s menu you have no idea what health conscious really means.

McDonald’s could be making note of the amount of tonnage gained from eating their food…or the death counts!

It is now the start of the last season of the TV show Weeds, and you still think it is a program about the plants that grow in the cracks of your driveway.

You could be Dina Lohan and be on Dr. Phil’s show and be drunk…and if you have all three of those things happening it probably can’t get much worse.

You could be living in America and the only choice you have in the upcoming presidential election is Barack Obama or Mitt Romney…OH CRAP!!!

You could have the bravado of Joe Biden but also be laden with his intelligence and common sense.

You could be a cat and it is actually difficult for you to find a comfortable place to sleep.

You are trying to keep abreast of the news and you come across topless photos of Kate Middleton.

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It’s time for another episode of It Could Be Worse where you can always find something that somebody else is going through that is worse than your current dilemma.

It could be worse:

You could be President Obama and have to do actual presidential duties instead of fundraising and golf.

You could be Obama, again, and telling people to “Ignore the relentless negative healthcare ads,” and pretend you weren’t stealing a line from the Wizard of Oz, “Ignore the man behind the curtain.”

Again, you could be Obama and say “There’s more to do on jobs,” when you have yet to do anything at all.

You could be a chicken and every time you cross the road, everybody is thinking, WTF?

You could be the chair at Governor Chris Christie’s desk.

You could be in the market for a job the last few years while the only jobs created were government jobs where you don’t get to do any actual work.

It could be Nude Recreation Week (as this week is) and your choice for nude recreation is a paint ball battle.

You could be searching for the meaning of life by looking it up in the dictionary.

After hearing about Congressman Barney Frank entering into a same sex marriage the next time you have sex with your spouse you can’t get the picture of Barney Frank having sex out of your head.

You could be a superhero but you can’t fly because your cape is at the cleaners so you have to ride the subway while wearing your tights.

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This is another episode of “It Could be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be worse than they seem when compared to others people’s dilemmas:

It could be worse:

You could be President Obama and still receive an “F” grade on your first term even though you were graded on a very steep curve.

It could be National Doughnut Day (as it was last Friday) and for the first time in your life you were jonesing for tofu.

You were grieving so much about missing National Doughnut Day that you missed the solar eclipse today.

Somebody threatens to write a tell-all book about your sex life but they give up after the first page because there was nothing more to write.

You could be Joe Biden testing your “everyman appeal” and find out that the only appeal you have is to the pre-frontal lobotomy community.

You could be Hugh Hefner and get back with your ex-fiancé, who left you right before the wedding, because you can’t remember that you were ever with her before.

You could be part of the growing zombie paranoia, after some unexplained acts of violence, but then you realize you are only paranoid of zombies because one of them ate out part of your brain.

The federal government could be denying the existence of flesh eating zombies and the announcement is made by an outer space alien being held in Area 51.

You could be a man exercising your “man cooking skills” on the barbeque and as a result you spend the summer without eyebrows.

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It is time for another version of “It could be worse,” (which translates to I didn’t have time to write any real jokes) where we look at how things could always be a whole lot worse than they actually seem.

It could be worse:

You could be a Secret Service agent and find out that what you are doing with prostitutes is not so secret and, actually, not very servicing either.

It could be Earth Day every day, which would remind us all of Al Gore on a continuous basis.

You could be a man and have read the story that scientists say that by 2050 robots will replace hookers and then you think, “Gee, my wife is ahead of her time.  She is already like a robot in bed.”

Or you could be a woman and think the same thing about your husband.

You could be the transgendered man who gave birth to three kids and separated from his wife…Wow! Enough said on that one already.

You could be Jack Nicholson on your 75^th birthday and “not be able to handle the truth” that you are 75 years old.

You could be former Senator, John Edwards, who goes on trial this week for allegedly using illegal campaign contributions and if you are convicted it’s quite possible you will have insufficient hair care products in jail to satisfy your needs.

You could be the overweight cat in New Mexico that is comparable to a 600 pound human and develop a complex because all the neighborhood mice are mocking you.

You could be the fisherman who accidentally caught a 2,000 pound shark off the coast of Mexico and realize that’s what it’s like all the time for people who deal with lawyers.

You could be North Korea after their failed nuclear bomb test and be afraid that the U.S. is going to send a bomb of their own your way by sending a copy of the movie “John Carter” to all the theaters in North Korea.

You could be Newt Gingrich, who was bitten by a penguin at the St. Louis Zoo because it thought you were a hippopotamus trying to attack.

You could be President Obama and think that the congressional and judicial branches of the government should be cancelled…(That’s not a joke at all, just something that needed to be said.)

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It’s time for another version of “It Could Be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be worse than they seem to be:

It Could be Worse:

You could be Rick Santorum at a gay rights convention

You could be Rick Santorum campaigning at a condom factory.

You could be Rick Santorum…(That’s all there is to that one.)

You could be a Mayan and if the world doesn’t come to an end this year you’ll be really embarrassed.

You could be President Obama and be really happy how the Republican candidate are beating each other up but then you look at your own “accomplishments” and you get worried about re-election all over again.

You could be President Obama and grow a conscience before the election.

You could be Obama and after you lose the election you want to visit your homeland, but you can’t decide if you want to call that Hawaii, Illinois or Kenya.

You could be the 98 year-old man who recently married a 95 year-old woman and be comforted by the fact that she is unlikely to ever ask you to renew your vows.

You could be the dog in Albuquerque who was recently registered to vote by your owner and realize how upsetting it is to hear the current presidential candidates, including Obama, being referred to as “dog candidates.”

You could be Snooki’s boyfriend and, wanting to be a pioneer and go where no man has gone before, you realize that having sex with her certainly wouldn’t apply, so you got her pregnant.

You could have actually read the recently released love letters by Richard Nixon.

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Here is another version of “It Could Be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be way worse than they seem to be.

It Could be Worse:

You could be Barbara Walters and not really understand the phrase, “Most Fascinating Person.”

You could be Rick Perry and after making all the major gaffes you’ve made lately you realize that you are running for president, not vice-president.

You could be Lindsay Lohan and have trouble at Christmastime finding good necklaces to steal as presents.

You could be a person with really bad ringing in your ears and the only reason you went to see the movie, ”The Adventures of Tintin,” was because you thought it was a documentary on tinnitus.

You could be Newt Gingrich and you keep gaining weight while running for President so that you can be in touch with the common American citizen.

You could be a man on Christmas eve and realize there are no more days for you to procrastinate about shopping.

You could be Justin Beiber and have you dreams shattered this year when you realized there is no Santa Claus.

You could be Rudolph and you heard that all the reindeer meat has been sold out.

You could be a parking space at the most far end of the mall and you know that after Christmas you won’t be used again for another year.

You could be an “Occupy” protester and your only hope is for a definite cause is if Santa Claus delivers it to you.

…or you could be an “Occupy “ protester and you win the lottery and then you become one of the 1%.

You could be sexting someone and realize that you forgot your little plastic bag to put around your cell phone so that you were not able to practice safe sexting.

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It’s time for another version of It could Be Worse where we take a humorous look at how things could always be much worse than they seem to be at the moment.

It could be worse:

1)      You could be heavily invested in the stock market….or at least used to be heavily invested.

2)      Right after you switched to Verizon from AT&T because of bad service Verizon employees went out on strike and your bad service continued…uninterrupted.

3)      You could be a lab rat, which not only means you are a rat but they also do experiments on you.

4)      You could be a regular ceiling in a house and know that you can never be raised any higher than you are right now, unlike if you were a debt ceiling.

5)      You could be Bert and Ernie, who after an online petition to have you wed, decide to just continue being Muppets with benefits.

6)      You could be Alex Trebek , who tore an Achilles tendon while chasing a prostitute who robbed his hotel room and now you are the butt of every possible version of a “Jeopardy” joke about it.

7)      You could be Michele Bachman, who was quoted as saying we need a president who is a fighter, when what she really wanted to say was that we need a president with a set of balls, but she knew that wouldn’t help her get elected.

8)      You could be President Obama and make the statement, “There’s nothing wrong with our country.  There’s something wrong with our politics,” and not realize you are the head politician leading all the other crazy politicians.

9)      You could be Newt Gingrich who only beat “other” in the Iowa straw poll by less than 1% and then you celebrate your “victory” with a trip to Tiffany’s to buy something for your wife.

10)   You could be Obama trying to create new jobs and find out that even the border patrol is no longer hiring because Mexican’s no longer want to come into the country.

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Here is another episode of “It Could be Worse” where we take a humorous look at no matter how bad things seem to be you can always see how things could be worse:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be Arnold Schwarzenegger and have a house twice as big as the one he had, which would mean you’d have twice as many maids and twice as many illegitimate children.

2)      You could be the Philadelphia woman that is suing Dunkin Donuts for putting sugar in her coffee that caused her to go into diabetic shock and not be aware enough to realize that she went into diabetic shock just from walking into Dunkin Donuts.

3)      You could be the new comic book super hero character called “Foreskin Man” that is from San Francisco and lobbying to make circumcision illegal for males under the age of 18…actually, I don’t need to say more on this one because if you are a super hero and that is your name and your project in life you really have hit bottom.

4)      You could be President Obama and in describing the economy you say that we have “hit a few bumps” and not realize that the definition you are using for a bump is a mountain.

5)      You could be Congressman Weiner (again, I could stop right there, but I’ll continue on this one) and be accused of sending pictures of your weiner to college age females and then deny it and follow it up with your admission of guilt. (Nope, just gave all the facts on this one and it was about as low as you’d want to go.) (Man, some people are screwed up but why does it have to be congressmen who are leading the pack of screwed up people.)

6)      You could be Congressman Weiner again and your situation is so bad that even Brett Farve is calling for your resignation.

7)      You could be President Obama and be bragging about all the jobs that have been created but not telling anyone that most of the new jobs came from McDonalds.

8)      You could be James Arness, of Gunsmoke fame, who died last week, and when you  went to heaven you found out that Miss Kitty wasn’t waiting for you there with any of the girls from the saloon.

9)      You could be Dr. Kevorkian, who died this week, and not have had a Dr. Kevorkian to help you go peacefully.

10)   You could be John Edwards who just got indicted for using campaign fund to cover up the facts about his mistress…Okay, the fact is, the real life story on the politicians is as funny as anything anybody can write.

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It’s time for another version of “It Could be Worse” where we cheer ourselves up by looking at no matter how bad things seem to be they can always be worse:

It could be worse:

1)      You could be a dog living with a hungry Vietnamese family:

2)      You could be a  homeless person and just as you are making your “will work for food” sign your magic marker dries up.

3)      You could be a very virtuous, attractive, slightly overweight woman and saving yourself for marriage and be set up on a blind date with Bill Clinton.

4)      You could run out of gas on a lonely desolate road and your only source of new gas is the food you ate an hour ago at Taco Bell.

5)      You could have a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses ringing your doorbell and they refuse to leave because they know you are hiding inside.

6)      You could be a guy in a bar telling your friends about the sexual conquest you had last night and through the fog of the beer you realize it was just a masturbation fantasy.

7)      You could be that guy again in the bar talking to your friends and you tell them about the cleavage you just saw but you don’t tell them that it was the cleavage of your fat-assed plumber who was at your house to unclog the toilet.

8)      You could have so many weird things happening to you that you qualify to get your own reality show.

9)      You could have been Donald Trump’s brother named John and when people started calling him “the Donald” they started calling you “the John”.

10)   You could get a free piece of birthday cake when you eat at Denny’s and the only thing you can think to wish for when you blow out the candles is to be in a different restaurant.

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