Ben Bernake has pledged to fight deflation but he basically said he has no idea how.  So he has been seen wearing boxing gloves and wandering around looking for some girl named Dee Flation.  Richard Nixon became famous for the line, “I am not a crook.”  Bernake is likely to be known for the line, “I am not an economist.”  In fact, he so much has no idea of what he is doing that he is thinking of retiring and becoming an executive for BP oil.

Miners in Chile’ are trapped in a mine and officials there are saying it will take months to get them out.  So, apparently the BP oil execs and engineers have been transferred to Chile’.

Male teachers in Milwaukee are up in arms because their health benefits are no longer going to cover Viagra.  At the same time the female students at the school who were having trouble getting passing grades are breathing a sigh of relief.

John Lennon’s toilet went on sale this last weekend at a Beatle’s convention in Liverpool, England.  You can bet Liverpool was flush with stories about that.  It sold for over $14,000 so you can bet the guy who bought that has a good head for business.  (Whew!  I feel relieved getting those toilet puns out of my system and, frankly, I’d have been pissed if I hadn’t.)

There is a car being developed that will be powered by urine.  This is seen to be a real boon to the beer industry.

Obama has said in a recent interview that he is not worried about all the rumors that he is Muslim and accusations that he wasn’t born in the US.  He was quoted as saying, “I can’t spend all my time with  my birth certificate plastered to my forehead.”  But maybe he could stuff it in his mouth or at least use it to cover the teleprompter when he talks so that we don’t have to hear about any more hope and change.  Too much more of his change and the country will be bankrupt.  (A little too much truth there to be very funny.  Sorry about that, so I’ll do one more.)

There is talk about doing a male version of The View.  In that show I guess you’ll have men sitting around burping, farting, cussing and watching sports while drinking beer and telling jokes about women.  What else would it be?

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Justin Beiber is going to be writing his memoirs; there are rumored scandals of breast feeding as a baby and illicit nap time behavior when he was in kindergarten.

Tiger Woods had the worst 72 hole score of career over the weekend, apparently he is having a serious problem with his putter.

Evidently, it was the holes he scored after golfing that kept his game sharp.

Disney raised prices again at their theme parks. So it is not only the happiest place on earth but they are also making the shareholders of their stock the happiest people on earth.

Kentucky basketball coach, Rick Pitino, testified in a court case that he had sex with a woman in a restaurant but it only lasted 15 seconds.  He also complained of having a dribbling problem afterward.

After testifying he apologized to his wife but he did tell her that he was thinking of her the whole time.  Then he got in trouble with her all over again for only thinking of her for 15 seconds.

The US Post Office reported a loss of $3.5 billion last quarter, which is actually good for a government organization.  If they can get a little guidance from Congress they could probably double or triple their losses.

Lady Gaga told Vanity Fair that she is an occasional cocaine user.  The drug companies were very excited about this because now they can say, “See, you don’t get those kind of side effects from our drugs.”

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To say that the iPhone sometimes drops calls would be like saying Osama bin Laden has a somewhat unfair attitude towards Americans, or that President Obama occasionally likes to spend other people’s money, or the John Edwards has sometimes flirted with other women.

I don’t even own an iPhone myself I’ve just tried to talk to a friend who has one.  But based on that experience I have a pretty good idea how it got its name.  The inventor of the phone at the parent company called his boss (while using his new invention) and said, ”I just came up with a great invention, I call it ‘I am a phone.’”  What the boss heard before the call was dropped altogether was, “(garble, garble)…great invention, I call it “I (garble) phone.”

The boss, being a typical executive from a huge multi-national corporation, gave the call its due attention after it was dropped and looked thoughtfully into space and said to himself, “Hmmm, he said it was great even though iphone is a stupid name…what the hell.  We need something new and I have a golf game to get to so…I know, I’ll capitalize the ‘p’ in phone so I can say I had something to do with it.”

And the iPhone was born.

If the iPhone could talk I’m sure it would sound very much like a foreigner just learning the English language (which is also how anyone feels when they are talking on an IPhone since you can only hear every other word.)  It would say, “Hello, I Phone.”  To that I would tilt my head and raise my eyebrows and say, “Seriously?”

Then it would frown and say, “Well at least I good texting apparatus and I video unit and I Internet source and I good storage unit and  I about 100 other things that nobody really understand but it nice to throw that number out.”

And I’d respond, “Yeah, I’ll give you those things, but you’re a piece of crap phone.”

And it would say, “Yeah, okay.”  Then it would walk away with its head hung a little bit but it would proudly sell itself to the next sucker with a couple hundred dollars and life would go on.

The CEO of the company that makes iPhones, who has the same first name as I do and whose last name is like the second word in the function that I’m guessing there is left to promote that the iPhone 5 will do, (Hint: the first word in the function is what the wind does …now go back and read that sentence again and you’ll get it) has said in response to complaints about dropped calls, “We’re not perfect.”  Well now I feel better about the whole thing because if they were perfect I guess they would have already included that function… Oh lighten up, I’m just kidding!

On that note I’ll sit back and wait for all the nasty calls I’ll probably be getting from fans of the iPhone.  But I’m not too worried because I probably won’t be able to understand the call and it will drop altogether very soon anyway.

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Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was held this weekend.  Bill, being the consummate father, was surprisingly involved in the planning of the wedding.  In fact, he held individual meetings with the maid of honor and each bride’s maid to let them know exactly what was expected of them.

For the fashion conscious at the wedding, Hillary was seen hiking up her dress when she walked up some stairs and, not surprisingly, she was wearing a pants suit under the dress.

Over the weekend Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and coincidentally the stock on several alcoholic beverage companies soared on Monday.

Representative Charles Rangle was trying to cut a deal on his ethics charges so that his case wouldn’t go to a House Ethics trial.  He was even willing to cut the members of the committee in on his next deal if they let him do a plea.  Plus, he was even willing to go as far as looking up the definition of ethics in the dictionary, although he didn’t really think it was in there.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward will be transferred to a project in Russia.  Although, others had a different idea on where he should be sent straight to.

Andy Griffith is going to be touting Obamacare on a TV ad.  If he were still back in Mayberry Aunt Bee would be saying, “Oh Andy!”  And Barney would be loading his gun with his one bullet in order to shoot him.

Al Gore has serious public relations problems after having been accused of groping several women.  A few years ago he won a Nobel Peace Prize for raising awareness about global warming and for his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”  Ironically, now the inconvenient truth in his life may get him the Nobel Piece Prize.

President Obama went on The View last week.  Many people thought he was going to promote his agenda but he just wanted to point out to everyone how white trash the Republicans are since Levi Johnston may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant.

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Lindsay Lohan had an obscenity manicured onto the nail of her middle finger while appearing at her recent court date.  It makes you wonder if Joe Biden might have been her copywriter.

Since women are so worried about making sure clothing and accessories match, does that mean they think a guy might not want to sleep with them if their shoes and purse did not match.

If terrorists are promised 70 virgins when they go to heaven does it follow that Catholic priests are promised 70 12 year-old altar boys when they go to heaven?

How many Republicans are secretly cheering that President Obama is campaigning for Harry Reid?  And I wonder if they are secretly hoping Joe Biden joins in too because that would really make it a “Big f___ing deal”.

How many Americans are waiting for Obama to start taking credit for creating jobs for all the people doing the BP oil clean-up?

American’s diets are typically so bad it makes you wonder if they are just eating that way so their asses get so fat that they will be considered too big to fail.

Since the Netherlands were in the Cup Final I’m curious how many people actually thought Peter Pan might be playing.

BP has reported progress on the oil spill.  I’m wondering if the progress is that Obama is no longer talking about kicking anyone’s ass.

….And last of all I wonder how many of you are actually going to remember some of these lines the next time you are sitting on the toilet.

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A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense of humus.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
I can only assume that your editorial writer tripped over the First Amendment and thought it was the office cat.

It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the bylaws are shorter, and he is personally acquainted with the other members.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people or countries than an agreement.

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

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Gone are the days for these former students of cutting classes and drinking beer and eating pizza in the college dormitory.  Now they will be calling in sick to work and staying home and having beer and pizza with a friend.  But the consequences grow more severe now as you move into adulthood because now your parents will be there to nag you about getting to work on time so you don’t get fired, lest you end up living with them forever.

And some of you won’t accept just any job to be employed.  Some of you will hold out for something really good, as long as you know you are able to freeload off of your parents in the meantime.

Some of you will have CEO aspirations.  Wanting to work at an organization like BP or Halliburton where you can make the really big money and have no real responsibility other than the job of spinning a good yarn for shareholders, or the press, or when you have to testify in front of Congress.  Then when the heat really turns on you can retire with a golden parachute and live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your life with nothing to worry about but your conscience (although the genetic makeup of those guys usually doesn’t allow for that anyway.)

Sadly, those jobs are few and far between and are reserved for the kind of guy that has no true ability but was still somehow, through diligent wasting of years of their lives, were able to make it to the top of the food chain in World of Warcraft.

If the idea of giving nothing back to society yet making piles of money still appeals to you, may I recommend a career in law.  It definitely worked for John Edwards and he almost made it to the ultimate position of sleaze, the President of the US, (at least that is what it appears to be for the last several decades.)  But for him there must have been a slight flaw in his training because somehow a sliver of truth slipped out somewhere and, unfortunately, truth and sleaze don’t mix.

Still, some other graduates may be holding onto that hope of hopes that the Nigerian businessman who just sent you an e-mail about helping him to get his fortune into the country for a huge commission is actually legit.  (Trust me, I’ve been waiting for it to happen for about 8 years and it still has not panned out, damn it.  Expect that last one that wrote to me was the daughter of a rich guy…and it really did sounds like she could be telling the truth…aww, never mind.)

But many of you will be able to secure jobs in your chosen field which you will enjoy for the next several years. Then after about 5-10 years you’ll decide to switch professions and start all over again.

Then there will be some of you who become writers and have just enough success to keep you hanging on for a very long time, not allowing your hopes and dreams to get crushed by various naysayers and finally you will start a blog and write the kind of stuff you always wanted to anyway and still have just enough success to keep you hanging on and… I’m sorry, I have to end off now.  I need to go re-read that e-mail from the daughter of the rich Nigerian businessman.

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It could be worse, Hillary could be the president.  (OMG! I just realized that might not be worse.  Well, that was neither funny or therapeutic…I’ll try harder.)

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods who was quoted as saying after the recent Pro-Am tournament that he played poorly because he couldn’t control where his balls went, and not realize that was the problem you’ve been having for many years now.

It could be worse, again you could be Tiger Woods , who the National Enquirer said he had affair with 121 women, and you want to go public and brag it was way more than that but you’ll have to go back to rehab if you do.

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton, who was told by his daughter to lose weight for her wedding, and wish it was the old days with Monica around and he could lose about 140lbs. by just closing his zipper.

It could be worse, you could be a congressman, who after just sharing trade secrets with the execs from Goldman Sachs, have to keep a straight face when you call them crooks.

It could be worse, you could be John Edwards mistress and be so delusional as to think she had nothing to do with his marriage break up, you think the real reason for their break up was because his wife liked to watch “Dancing with the Stars and he didn’t.”

….and lastly, It could be worse, you could be John Edwards and get turned down to be on “Dancing with the Stars” because he said would be on the show but he only wanted to dance with himself.

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Oddly enough, the nurses and doctors weren’t all a bunch of hotties having sex like rabbits in heat.  Actually, they looked like the average person on the street.  Also, no recoveries from any illnesses took place within a one hour time period.  In fact, my wife’s operation took more than an hour all by itself and that didn’t account for any residents fighting over who would get to operate on her or any of those other “Grey’s” dramatics.  I couldn’t understand it.  The programs seems so real.

When you check into this $15-20,000 a night hotel they don’t tell you that all the nurses were trained at “stick’em-prod ‘em-poke’em-and needle ‘em R-US”.  And they particularly like to do their duties just as the patients fall asleep.  I’m pretty sure they have sensors to alert the nurses so that they can wake you as soon as you fall asleep, because if you get well they can no longer charge you that $15-20,000 rate.

Interestingly enough, when they give you a menu  for your meals with 2 choices they don’t have a price.  That’s because the jello alone is $500 and they don’t let you “brown bag it” to save money.  Besides that, if you brought your own food it might have some actual flavor to it.  They want you to think that it is because you are sick that that the food has no flavor.

Of course, that’s for the one’s who are lucky enough to get food.  Some people get their food in a bag, as in IV bag.  You kinda have to imagine that steak is dripping into your veins but it loses something in the translation.  I did make a point of telling the nurse not to expect a 20% tip for the meal in a bag that she delivered to my wife, which I’m sure had to cost $1,000.

It’s not that I’m complaining that the hospital was expensive but I think the deductible on our insurance was used up when we called the hospital to tell them we were arriving.

When you check into the hospital you have to fill out many, many, many forms, some of which even have to do with medical history (did I mention there were some forms to fill out.).  It really doesn’t matter what you say on these form, apparently, because throughout your stay you’ll be asked these same questions about 5,000 times per day anyway.

While there are signs on the walls telling you to ask questions, don’t ever expect any answers.  To be fair, they don’t tell you they are going to answer, just that you should ask.  There is also a parade of doctors that will come into your room, most of which you have no idea who they are and it is likely you will never see them again.  But if they walk into your room they get to charge a fee so that seems fair enough.

I made the mistake of asking my wife’s doctor, Dr. SliceNdice, a question.  (Disclaimer: I’m sure many doctors are not like this.  This was just my experience.)  After my first question there was a strange silence, which was followed by a steam being from the ears and his face turned the color of a beet.  He finally replied, ”I am God, Lord over all.  You will do as I say or you will be drawn and quartered with some of the most modern medical equipment known to science.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

I told him I did, but when he walked away I got him back by making a “face” and stuck out my tongue at him.  Nobody messes with me!

While the resulting operation was a success and I’m thankful the hospital was there I think I prefer my medical experiences to come from episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy”.  And, by the way, I’m still looking for that “on call” room.

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Nancy Pelosi recently celebrated her 70^th birthday…how fast they grow up, it seems like just yesterday she was getting her first Botox injection.

Tiger Woods is getting back into the swing of things and returning to golf to play at the Masters tournament – is anybody else thinking he is coming back for the “Masters” as an inside joke, since he liked it rough and he was often being the “master”.

Obama was quoted saying, “Healthcare will define his presidency.” And if the definition of healthcare is socialism he is correct.

Fidel Castro gave a rousing endorsement to Obamacare being passed, just the endorsement Obama needed from a bleeding heart communist (see the line above this one.)

Joe Biden was heard on the microphone last week whispering to Obama, “This is a big f—–g deal.”  A White house spokesman excused Biden saying he has a condition called “Lack of judgment disorder”, but the good thing is, even though it was pre-existing he will be covered by healthcare and he’ll be heavily drugged.

John Edwards has turned to religion according to rumors.  He heard about the widening sex scandals in the Catholic Church and now he wants to become a priest.

..And finally, abstinence program funding is part of the healthcare program.  Ironically, this was written by congressmen who traditionally have as much ability to abstain as rabbits in heat.

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