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Here are some funny, albeit meaningless, ideas to ponder throughout the day when you have extra time, like while standing in a line, sitting on the toilet, etc.

Lindsay Lohan had an obscenity manicured onto the nail of her middle finger while appearing at her recent court date.  It makes you wonder if Joe Biden might have been her copywriter.

Since women are so worried about making sure clothing and accessories match, does that mean they think a guy might not want to sleep with them if their shoes and purse did not match.

If terrorists are promised 70 virgins when they go to heaven does it follow that Catholic priests are promised 70 12 year-old altar boys when they go to heaven?

How many Republicans are secretly cheering that President Obama is campaigning for Harry Reid?  And I wonder if they are secretly hoping Joe Biden joins in too because that would really make it a “Big f___ing deal”.

How many Americans are waiting for Obama to start taking credit for creating jobs for all the people doing the BP oil clean-up?

American’s diets are typically so bad it makes you wonder if they are just eating that way so their asses get so fat that they will be considered too big to fail.

Since the Netherlands were in the Cup Final I’m curious how many people actually thought Peter Pan might be playing.

BP has reported progress on the oil spill.  I’m wondering if the progress is that Obama is no longer talking about kicking anyone’s ass.

….And last of all I wonder how many of you are actually going to remember some of these lines the next time you are sitting on the toilet.

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To tell the truth I had never heard of this guy and he has been dead for 25 years.  He was a writer and comedian.  Some of the quotes are funny and some of them are just truisms worth reading.  Enjoy:

A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense of humus.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
I can only assume that your editorial writer tripped over the First Amendment and thought it was the office cat.

It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the bylaws are shorter, and he is personally acquainted with the other members.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people or countries than an agreement.

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

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As graduation season gets into full swing many high school and college graduates will embark on new careers that will likely start off with them living with their parents for a few more years  while they work for low pay but gain valuable experience, hoping to climb the corporate ladder, at a multi-national corporation such as McDonalds or Burger King.

Gone are the days for these former students of cutting classes and drinking beer and eating pizza in the college dormitory.  Now they will be calling in sick to work and staying home and having beer and pizza with a friend.  But the consequences grow more severe now as you move into adulthood because now your parents will be there to nag you about getting to work on time so you don’t get fired, lest you end up living with them forever.

And some of you won’t accept just any job to be employed.  Some of you will hold out for something really good, as long as you know you are able to freeload off of your parents in the meantime.

Some of you will have CEO aspirations.  Wanting to work at an organization like BP or Halliburton where you can make the really big money and have no real responsibility other than the job of spinning a good yarn for shareholders, or the press, or when you have to testify in front of Congress.  Then when the heat really turns on you can retire with a golden parachute and live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your life with nothing to worry about but your conscience (although the genetic makeup of those guys usually doesn’t allow for that anyway.)

Sadly, those jobs are few and far between and are reserved for the kind of guy that has no true ability but was still somehow, through diligent wasting of years of their lives, were able to make it to the top of the food chain in World of Warcraft.

If the idea of giving nothing back to society yet making piles of money still appeals to you, may I recommend a career in law.  It definitely worked for John Edwards and he almost made it to the ultimate position of sleaze, the President of the US, (at least that is what it appears to be for the last several decades.)  But for him there must have been a slight flaw in his training because somehow a sliver of truth slipped out somewhere and, unfortunately, truth and sleaze don’t mix.

Still, some other graduates may be holding onto that hope of hopes that the Nigerian businessman who just sent you an e-mail about helping him to get his fortune into the country for a huge commission is actually legit.  (Trust me, I’ve been waiting for it to happen for about 8 years and it still has not panned out, damn it.  Expect that last one that wrote to me was the daughter of a rich guy…and it really did sounds like she could be telling the truth…aww, never mind.)

But many of you will be able to secure jobs in your chosen field which you will enjoy for the next several years. Then after about 5-10 years you’ll decide to switch professions and start all over again.

Then there will be some of you who become writers and have just enough success to keep you hanging on for a very long time, not allowing your hopes and dreams to get crushed by various naysayers and finally you will start a blog and write the kind of stuff you always wanted to anyway and still have just enough success to keep you hanging on and… I’m sorry, I have to end off now.  I need to go re-read that e-mail from the daughter of the rich Nigerian businessman.

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Every now and then I like to look how things could actually be a lot worse than they appear.  It can be funny and therapeutic at the same time:

It could be worse, Hillary could be the president.  (OMG! I just realized that might not be worse.  Well, that was neither funny or therapeutic…I’ll try harder.)

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods who was quoted as saying after the recent Pro-Am tournament that he played poorly because he couldn’t control where his balls went, and not realize that was the problem you’ve been having for many years now.

It could be worse, again you could be Tiger Woods , who the National Enquirer said he had affair with 121 women, and you want to go public and brag it was way more than that but you’ll have to go back to rehab if you do.

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton, who was told by his daughter to lose weight for her wedding, and wish it was the old days with Monica around and he could lose about 140lbs. by just closing his zipper.

It could be worse, you could be a congressman, who after just sharing trade secrets with the execs from Goldman Sachs, have to keep a straight face when you call them crooks.

It could be worse, you could be John Edwards mistress and be so delusional as to think she had nothing to do with his marriage break up, you think the real reason for their break up was because his wife liked to watch “Dancing with the Stars and he didn’t.”

….and lastly, It could be worse, you could be John Edwards and get turned down to be on “Dancing with the Stars” because he said would be on the show but he only wanted to dance with himself.

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My wife had to go into the hospital this last week.  Having been a fan of “Grey’s Anatomy” I couldn’t help wondering which nurses and doctors were sleeping together.  And where is that “on call” room where all this medical sex is taking place?

Oddly enough, the nurses and doctors weren’t all a bunch of hotties having sex like rabbits in heat.  Actually, they looked like the average person on the street.  Also, no recoveries from any illnesses took place within a one hour time period.  In fact, my wife’s operation took more than an hour all by itself and that didn’t account for any residents fighting over who would get to operate on her or any of those other “Grey’s” dramatics.  I couldn’t understand it.  The programs seems so real.

When you check into this $15-20,000 a night hotel they don’t tell you that all the nurses were trained at “stick’em-prod ‘em-poke’em-and needle ‘em R-US”.  And they particularly like to do their duties just as the patients fall asleep.  I’m pretty sure they have sensors to alert the nurses so that they can wake you as soon as you fall asleep, because if you get well they can no longer charge you that $15-20,000 rate.

Interestingly enough, when they give you a menu  for your meals with 2 choices they don’t have a price.  That’s because the jello alone is $500 and they don’t let you “brown bag it” to save money.  Besides that, if you brought your own food it might have some actual flavor to it.  They want you to think that it is because you are sick that that the food has no flavor.

Of course, that’s for the one’s who are lucky enough to get food.  Some people get their food in a bag, as in IV bag.  You kinda have to imagine that steak is dripping into your veins but it loses something in the translation.  I did make a point of telling the nurse not to expect a 20% tip for the meal in a bag that she delivered to my wife, which I’m sure had to cost $1,000.

It’s not that I’m complaining that the hospital was expensive but I think the deductible on our insurance was used up when we called the hospital to tell them we were arriving.

When you check into the hospital you have to fill out many, many, many forms, some of which even have to do with medical history (did I mention there were some forms to fill out.).  It really doesn’t matter what you say on these form, apparently, because throughout your stay you’ll be asked these same questions about 5,000 times per day anyway.

While there are signs on the walls telling you to ask questions, don’t ever expect any answers.  To be fair, they don’t tell you they are going to answer, just that you should ask.  There is also a parade of doctors that will come into your room, most of which you have no idea who they are and it is likely you will never see them again.  But if they walk into your room they get to charge a fee so that seems fair enough.

I made the mistake of asking my wife’s doctor, Dr. SliceNdice, a question.  (Disclaimer: I’m sure many doctors are not like this.  This was just my experience.)  After my first question there was a strange silence, which was followed by a steam being from the ears and his face turned the color of a beet.  He finally replied, ”I am God, Lord over all.  You will do as I say or you will be drawn and quartered with some of the most modern medical equipment known to science.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

I told him I did, but when he walked away I got him back by making a “face” and stuck out my tongue at him.  Nobody messes with me!

While the resulting operation was a success and I’m thankful the hospital was there I think I prefer my medical experiences to come from episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy”.  And, by the way, I’m still looking for that “on call” room.

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Current events spurred these funny observations:

Nancy Pelosi recently celebrated her 70^th birthday…how fast they grow up, it seems like just yesterday she was getting her first Botox injection.

Tiger Woods is getting back into the swing of things and returning to golf to play at the Masters tournament – is anybody else thinking he is coming back for the “Masters” as an inside joke, since he liked it rough and he was often being the “master”.

Obama was quoted saying, “Healthcare will define his presidency.” And if the definition of healthcare is socialism he is correct.

Fidel Castro gave a rousing endorsement to Obamacare being passed, just the endorsement Obama needed from a bleeding heart communist (see the line above this one.)

Joe Biden was heard on the microphone last week whispering to Obama, “This is a big f—–g deal.”  A White house spokesman excused Biden saying he has a condition called “Lack of judgment disorder”, but the good thing is, even though it was pre-existing he will be covered by healthcare and he’ll be heavily drugged.

John Edwards has turned to religion according to rumors.  He heard about the widening sex scandals in the Catholic Church and now he wants to become a priest.

..And finally, abstinence program funding is part of the healthcare program.  Ironically, this was written by congressmen who traditionally have as much ability to abstain as rabbits in heat.

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Here are some jokes from some several different comedians who may not be as well known as some others but the jokes are funny.  (A side note, in the early 90’s I wrote some jokes for the first comedian listed here, Joey Adams.  He was often an opening act at Ceasar’s Palace, in Las Vegas.)

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams

People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
Joey Adams

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. ‘Get up early, work late – and strike oil.’
Joey Adams

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Jasper Carrott

Laughter is the best medicine – unless you’re diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson

So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’.
Frank Carson

I’m really happy that I was raised Catholic because it’s given me years of material.
Kate Clinton

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, “Who do you think you are?”
Ray Combs

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
Billy Connolly

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It ’s time for another version of “It Could be Worse”, where when things are bad you can always brighten up your day by seeing how much worse it could really be:

You could not only be drunk while you are driving but you are also driving a Toyota.

You could be a pilot waiting to land your plane and the voice you hear from air traffic control is a 7 year old kid.

You could be Al Gore trying to explain the cold winter we just had.

You could have Lady Gaga tell you are a strange person.

You could be  a man swimming in cold water at a nudist camp and it really makes you look bad as you get out of the water.

You could be Dick Cheney going through withdrawals from not being able to water board anyone.

And finally, you could be Michelle Obama  with something to say while spending time with Barack and trying to get the opportunity to talk.

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Here are some jokes based on some recent news items.

Starbucks is sticking to it’s policy of letting people carry guns in their stores where it’s legal.  I’m not sure which is more scary about that, having an impatient customer at the end of a slow moving line with a gun or somebody with a gun after having a triple espresso.

But why should Starbucks worry about people carrying guns in their stores.  With the prices they charge who is robbing who anyway.

In New York an Air Traffic controller was suspended after letting his children do his job for a short time.  This made the pilots very jealous.  One of them said I want to bring my kid to work to so he can fly the plane while I sleep off my hangover.

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she had said she intended to clean up the ethics in Congress.  But so far there is no change as we constantly hear of members of the House being in ethics trouble.  We do know it wasn’t for lack of supplies that she has been unsuccessful at cleaning up, for example, we know she has a broom because she flew in on it.

I’m a little worried about the upcoming census being done by the Obama administration.  If they count people like they count jobs created, by the end of the census we’ll have more people than China.

Rumor has it that Obama is using the same technology to steer the administration that Toyota used on the steering of their cars.

…and finally, Toyota has learned if they do one more recall on their cars they will have earned a foreign aid stimulus package.

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Here are some  funny quotes from the humorist P. J. O’Rourke:

America wasn’t founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a “learning experience.” Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a “learning experience.” It makes me feel less stupid.

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