darnfunnyonline.com

For this week’s article we have a guest columnist, who may return periodically, assuming I’m not arrested or burned in effigy as a result of the advice she gives out.  Please welcome Darnfunnyonline’s new advice columnist, “Dear Crabby”.

Now for the questions from our readers:

Dear Crabby,

I was recently on a flight to see an old, dear friend and while going through airport security they had me stand in one of those scanning machines that essentially allows the security people to see my naked body.  I was assured the picture would be deleted immediately after they examined it.  It was an awkward moment and I honestly didn’t know what to think.  What should I have done?

Embarrassed in North Dakota

Dear Embarrassed,

Since you said your “old, dear friend” I’m guessing you are no spring chicken yourself, and add in the fact that you are from North Dakota, where it’s cold enough to make you feel like your life is hell, yet it freezes over all the time, I assume you rarely have been seen naked in recent times.  So, instead of whining about it be glad someone finally wants to see you that way.  If by some chance you are a hottie then your pictures are probably being sold on some porn site as I write this letter.  After all, airport security is a federally funded organization and they gave all their money away to the banks and insurance and auto industries, so they gotta get money somehow.  So next time this happens tell them you at least want a piece of the pie and ask for a royalty.  The other alternative to the body scan is getting a full body pat down, which could be fun too, depending on how you look at things.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

I’m a college student and I think I might be pregnant.  What should I do?

Oops! In Oregon

Dear Oops,

First of all I’m assuming you’re blonde.  Since you think you might be pregnant, do you also think you may have had sex without a condom?  As to what you should do, since you are a college girl I’m guessing there is a library on the campus somewhere (It’s probably the building you walk by and wonder what they do in there.)  Go to that building and look up birth control.  Next, stop getting drunk on dates.  And last of all, plan on taking off at least one semester from college.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend likes to spend a lot of time at Hooters but he insists it’s because they have good food at reasonable prices.  I’m not sure what to think about that.  Any advice?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

I was wrong.  I thought I couldn’t getter any letters that were more stupid that the pregnant girl’s above, but you have humbled me.  I’m gonna make a wild guess and say he says he likes to read Playboy for the articles and he goes to strip clubs for the free chicken fried steak.  My advice to you is dump Hooters boy and then get a life (and possibly a brain transplant.)

Crabby

Thank you for reading “Dear Crabby” and if you think she is mean you should have read some the advice given out by her sisters “Dear Pre-Menstrual Stress Lady” and “Dear Menopausal Woman”.

darnfunnyonline.com

We’ve all heard, by now, about the terrorist’s attempted suicide bombing on a plane on Christmas day.  Fortunately, he did not succeed.  You’ll all be happy to know, as a result, airport security tightened and the next day they were able to swiftly and safely confiscate a highly dangerous jar of almond butter that my daughter tried to take on board a plane – whew!

Who knows what she or someone who might steal the almond butter from her could have done.  It could have been spread over the windshield of the plane, thereby blocking the pilot’s vision and preventing a safe landing.  Or, it could have been spread in the aisle so as the flight attendant steps in it, it slows her down enough that she wouldn’t be able to serve the pilot his in-flight alcohol in a timely fashion to get him drunk, which upsets his rhythm and crashes the plane.  The possibilities here are endless.  (SPECIAL NOTE: If you are a potential terrorist please stop reading now because I don’t want you to get any terrorism ideas from this article.)

It was comforting to have her tell me, though, that her almond butter would not have been taken away if the container had been 3 ounces or less.  I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that airport security is using logic and good common sense.  If you had no more than 3 ounces of the stuff, for example, you couldn’t possibly cover the entire windshield, another disaster averted!

Earlier this year I had forgotten myself and put my, greater than 3 ounce container of toothpaste, in my carry-on bag and I was happy to know that it was confiscated before I got onto the plane.  If some terrorist had found that stuff in my bag and stolen it he could have taken it into the bathroom and brushed his teeth until the 5 ounce of toothpaste was all used up.  Then his teeth would be so white so that he could go into the plane, get everyone’s attention, and smile widely while flashing a light on his teeth and blinding everyone, thereby, taking over the plane.  We are safe in the hands of airport security!!!

Laying off airport security for the moment, lest they never let me fly anywhere again, that terrorist on Christmas day was not a particularly bright guy.  He had the bomb hidden in his underwear.  If a bomb blew up in his underwear what did the idiot think he was going to do when he got his reward of “70 virgins in heaven”.  He would have gotten a glimpse of the virgins, started salivating, and upon feeling no urges down below, actually having nothing down below, he would be screaming, “I WANT A DO OVER!”

If terrorists are willing to blow up their nether regions I’m sure they wouldn’t mind putting a bomb inside their mouths either.  I’ll bet airport security will come up with an effective plan to combat that strategy, like giving random noogies to the flyers as they come through the line so that when they scream, “I’m telling my mom,” the bomb in their mouth will fall out.

Until the noogie strategy is adapted they can at least start catching the guys with bombs in their underwear by adopting the strategy of random atomic wedgies!

I just finished the annual abuse ritual that I am forced to endure each year around this time.  By that I am referring to wrapping Christmas presents.  I actually dislike wrapping them more than I dislike shopping for them, which is really saying something.

I only shop for and wrap my wife’s gifts. She does all that for the rest of the people we give gifts to, the plight of being a woman, I guess.  But she somehow does this with the same enthusiasm that Tiger Woods has when he discovers a porn star or cocktail waitress that he has not yet “dated”.   I don’t understand it.

This year I had a solution.  I was just going to get one big box and throw all her gifts inside.  That way the torture is over much more quickly.  She got wind of the idea and put the kibosh on it.  I argued it was good for the environment as it saved paper and boxes. She didn’t go for it.  I reasoned that this way would take less room under the tree.  No go.  I suggested how saving time from not wrapping individually would give me more time to reflect on my love for her.  She suggested I reflect, while wrapping, on how much I enjoyed staying married.

I’m pretty sure when those Iraqi suicide bombers are recruited they ask them, “Would you like to wrap presents?  Or, here’s another idea…”  And when they promise them the 70 virgins greeting them in heaven they have to also put a clause in the contract that says, “you don’t have to shop for or wrap gifts for any of them…even the ones you really like a lot.”

I had the idea of buying her a car for Christmas and just sticking a bow on it but this year I couldn’t even afford one of the clunkers that was traded in the “cash for clunkers” deal.  Plus, giving a battered up car as a gift would be like having the wrapping paper all crooked and not very pretty….which is pretty much how the boxes I wrap look anyway, now that I think of it.

I wondered if other men had as much distaste for wrapping gifts as I did.  So, while I was at the mall doing my shopping I thought I’d ask other men what they thought.  I saw a guy sitting on a bench staring out at the crowd.  I said to him,” What do you think of wrapping gifts?”

He kept staring. I repeated the question.  He finally gave an answer which consisted of a loud snore and “zzzzzzzzzzzzzz,” as he fell deeper into sleep.  I took that as a vote for my side.

Next, I decided to go to the gift wrapping department.  I asked a man there why he wasn’t wrapping his own gifts.  He responded with, ”My hands are too big to properly manipulate the paper and tape.”

Being the devil’s advocate, I asked if he was a fisherman.  He very enthusiastically said he was.  So I asked him how he could tie a lure onto the fishing line.  He explained in great detail how that was a different proposition.  To sum it up, though, the reason he could do that is because it was something he enjoyed.

I think it’s safe to say that I am not alone in disliking Christmas gift wrapping.  So let me end by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  (How’s that for a wrap up?  And it’s one I enjoyed!)

darnfunnyonline.com

I just saw a headline that said Nevada is the fattest western state in the United States.  That doesn’t mean, for example, that the streets are wider in Nevada, it means that the asses of the people walking down those streets are wider than the asses of the people in other western states.

Being a resident of the fattest state I guess I should be honored since we are number one at something.   But I just haven’t felt the impact.  It just means it is a lot easier to find a McDonalds here than it is to find a store that sells skinny pants.

It kind of gives new meaning to the Las Vegas catch phrase of “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”  Instead of the sexy connotation it tries to imply, it’s more like, “Naw, I don’t want to go anywhere.  Let’s just sit here and eat some chips and watch TV.”

Nevada has a 31% obesity rate.  Maybe Las Vegas can come up a new marketing slogan like “Hey, fat ass, come to Vegas and make yourself feel thin.”  I did notice a casino marketing to locals had the slogan, “Lose some weight, your pockets will definitely feel lighter when you leave here.”  Just kidding, we are the fattest, not stupidest.

The Las Vegas Marathon was held recently.  There was a shorter version of the race for the more obese citizens where they “power waddled” to the nearest Dunkin Donuts store.

That same newspaper article said that at the current rate that Americans are becoming obese by the year 2018 nearly 50% of the country will be obese.  So, apparently, if Obama was really serious about health care he should be planning to turn the hospitals into diet centers.  When we go to war in the future we’ll just have our military sit on the enemies military and that will be that.

I guess I have a greater understanding now why when they are marketing the “Gentlemen’s clubs” in Las Vegas they almost always have more than one girl on the pictures.  Considering how fat the Las Vegas men are the marketers are thinking with the concept, “I bet you can’t eat just one.”

Let’s not just blame ourselves for being overweight.  Let’s take a look at this whole thing from the viewpoint of fat cells themselves, since they are the real culprits in this scenario:

Fat cell #1 (a male fat cell) – Hey sweetcakes, you are looking nice and plump these days, not like some of those skinny fat cell that I’ve seen lately.

Fat cell #2 (a female fat cell) – (blushing) Thanks, I do try to keep my figure expanding.

Fat cell #1 – Why don’t we hunker down together with a fine meal of hydrogenated vegetable oils and high fructose corn syrup.

Fat cell #2 – Wow! You do know how to get a girl’s attention.

So you see, it is not our fault as Americans that we are getting fatter by the day.  It is the fault of the pesky fat cells that are making us that way.  Besides that, if we weren’t getting fatter there would be no need for quality television shows like The Biggest Loser.  It could also affect us emotionally if too many of us got thin because right now we as Americans are confident in the fact that we are “too big to fail”.

darnfunnyonline.com

I just read an article about how some psychologist said you can relieve pain or upset by swearing.  My first thought was “What an a_ _hole!”   Then I realized, what do you know, he was right, I do feel better!

It made me wonder, can we just skip the whole Obamacare thing and just swear our way to good health?  It would save a lot of money if that would work.  But then, of course, those stupid, rotten *^%$^$#&##$%& %@!$^&  congressmen (whew! Excuse me for that, but it did feel good.) would try to tax swearing.  Naturally, just as Congress is trying to make themselves exempt from the healthcare that the rest of the nation would have, they would also be exempt from the tax on swearing.  (Which  makes me wish that swearing in congress was a legit thing, if only momentarily, like if, Joe Wilson, the “you lie guy” could have said what he was really thinking when he yelled that infamous, yet totally true, statement at Obama on the floor of congress.  Okay, okay, I know I’m getting off the track here, but it was a fun thought.) Anyway, the whole swearing tax probably wouldn’t work, it would just create a lot of black market swearing and groups going underground to swear.

Swearing could be the reason that professional athletes don’t have more injuries than they do.  If you can at all read lips when you watch them on TV you know they aren’t spewing out nursery rhymes, or if they were they would go like this:

Jack and Jill went up the f$%^#!$  hill,

To fetch a pail of go#%^$&@#$*!;! water.

“Hey, my knee does feel better.”

But then again this swearing to heal could have a totally undesirable effect too.  What if the uncle you always hated was laying in a coma waiting to die and in a weak moment you decided to vent at him.  The intention of the cussing directed at him could have the undesired effect of bringing him back to life.  He’d wake up and smile at you and you’d have to go into the other room and cuss up a storm at yourself to make you feel better.

Or, what if one day you went into an uncontrollable cussing rage with your boss who you had secretly wanted a whole array of bad, evil things to happen to and he suddenly became the healthiest person on earth.  And that could only make you want to swear more, making him even healthier.

Here’s another unworkable idea, what if your child was sick and with totally good intentions you started swearing at the little b_ _ _ _ _ _ to make him well.  Even if he got well he would resent you for the rest of his life.

After careful examination of this idea this psychologist has of relieving pain and upset by swearing, I think it’s safe to say that he has his head way up his a_ _! (Again, that felt good.)  What’s next?  Are the shrinks going to start prescribing drugs for depression, instead of just eating right and being busy and productive… Wait a minute!!  OH S_ _ T!

darnfunnyonline.com

Thanksgiving is almost here.  This wonderful holiday means many things to many people.  To the football fan it is being able to watch football all day on a day that is not Saturday or Sunday.  To people who like to gorge themselves with food it is more fun than a sex therapist walking in on an orgy.  But to some people it is a an actual day when they do give thanks, such as that Nigerian businessman  giving thanks to Al Gore for inventing the Internet so that he could find that one in 10,000,000 people that is gullible enough to actually give out their bank information in hopes of getting rich.

There are really so many things that we can all give thanks for and when we look deep into our hearts it’s not hard to find them, for example:

Donald Trump can be thankful for all the money he makes because it gives him hope of someday having enough of it to find a cure for the bad hairdo.

Jon and Kate can be thankful for reality TV where people with no observable talent or skill can somehow still become famous and make a fortune.

Fox News can be thankful for Obama being critical of them and bringing up their ratings.

The drug lobbyist can give thankful that there are organizations within our government such as the FDA and Congress where you can still slip people money under the table and get them to do what you want even if you and the organizations you represent are a lying sack of dung.

Ronald McDonald can be thankful for the fact that he met his wife before she ever got a taste of the Burger King’s whopper.

Turkeys can be thankful that there is only one day a year (although for many people Christmas too) where they have to fear for their lives.

But  enough of that.  I always wondered what it was like being a turkey on a turkey farm leading up to  Thanksgiving:

Scene 1 – It is a sunny day in late April and two Turkeys, Tom and Tim, are laying on lounge chairs with their sunglasses on, smoking cigars and sipping on a beverage.

Tom:  It doesn’t get any better than this.  Whoever said being a turkey was a hard life didn’t know what he was talking about.

Tim: Yep, surrounded by chicks (A mother turkey walks by with her babies.) (Author’s note: baby turkeys are officially called poults but that doesn’t fit with the dialogue here, so deal with it!) We live the good life, all right.

Scene 2 – (Author’s note again, the scenes are not that long because turkeys are not known as great conversationalists.)It is mid-summer and Tom and Tim are sitting by the pool.

Tom: It sure is great to be a turkey.

Tim: Yeah, we could have been pigs and we’d have to worry about people who love bacon.

(They both laugh heartily.)

Scene 3.  (It is late October. Tom and Tim are sitting outside their roost.  They both have concerned looks on their faces.)

Tom: Have you noticed less of our turkey friends around here lately?

Tim:  Yeah, I wonder what’s going on?

They see the farmer walking towards them with an axe.  They look at each other wide-eyed and scream.)

Tom & Tim:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Author’s note, yet again, Tom and Tim thought the farmer was coming at them with an axe because he was going to make them into food but the real reason was because this little play was going nowhere!)

Moral of the story:  If you are an actual turkey, it may seem like everything is going your way but you will, eventually, lose it all in the end.  (Congressmen up for re-election next year need to take note.)

darnfunnyonline.com

If, as many women like to say, a man’s brain is in his penis, then getting circumcised as an adult would be like having a lobotomy.  And any man who consents to get getting circumcised in the first place is a little short on gray matter to begin with.

Yet, that is exactly what some men did to be part of a study where it was concluded that the men who were recently circumcised contracted less STD’s than the uncircumcised men over a two year period, supposedly due to less foreskin.  Foreskin, schmoreskin, the “scientists” conducting the study should have also concluded that the men who agreed to be circumcised were too sore for sex and too idiotic to attract a woman in the first place.

You got to love these “scientific” studies that you read about in the newspapers (no wonder newspapers are going out of business).  Another of these so-called studies concluded that men who played video games were fatter than men who didn’t play them.  Well DUH!  They have the most well conditioned thumbs but the rest of their bodies are seriously neglected.

Let’s just imagine how a video gamer would have survived in the 19^th century:

Farmer: It’s time to plow the field.

Video dude: Well, I never heard of that game, but I’m up for some virtual farming.

Farmer: (Incredulous, he looks around to see if he’s on Candid Camera) No, you grab the plow and hook it up to the mule.

Video dude: (wrinkles his forehead) Oh yeah, well, um, my thumbs are a little sore and the doctor told me I might be developing carpal tunnel syndrome.  So, I’m going to have to beg off on the plowing deal.

Farmer:  (Thinks to himself, that’s okay this guy doesn’t need to eat, he can live off of his fat for months) Maybe I’ll send you off to fight in the Civil War with my sons.

Video dude:  Now you’re talking , dude, I’m totally awesome at “World of Warcraft”.  My thumbs are feeling better already. Where’s the game room?

Farmer: (Shakes his head and thinks to himself, maybe I could have him feed the pigs and if I’m lucky he’ll get swine flu.  Then I can ship his fat ass back to the 21^st century and maybe he can get some of the free “pull the plug” healthcare that will probably be popular then.)

The last of the “silly science studies”, that somebody apparently got paid to do, concluded that men were more likely than women to suffer noise-induced hearing loss.  I’m sorry, the jokes just write themselves on this one, but I’m going to go with the really obvious one and say, again, DUH.  Of course they do from listening to their wives so much over the years (ba-dum-pum.)

Let’s face it, there is a lot of science that is very worthy (man going to the moon) and some that is very unworthy (socialized healthcare where all the sick people get to suffer equally) and some that is just a great source of humor (Al Gore inventing the Internet.)

But the real source of silly science is the government agencies that fund them.  So, to those people who approve them I say they should be part of the studies and be “rewarded” with a free lobotomy (the kind you see in paragraph #1.)

darnfunnnyonline.com

We are closing in on one year since Barack Obama was elected as president, or as he says to the mirror every night, “that he was elected as God.”  Of course, if that were true he would be inundated with Americans praying to him for a time machine so the next three years could pass instantly so we can elect someone else.

I can just hear Obama’s re-election campaign slogan now, “at least I’m not Bush.”  Naturally, this will bring a wry smile to the face of George Bush every time he hears it since it reminds him of the secret he will carry to his grave, that he actually voted for Obama because, ”Obama will make me not look so bad.”

Obama is already preparing for his re-election by getting on Facebook and seeing how many “friends” he can gather.  He assumed he was obligated to get onto all the social media sites like Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, etc. because he thought they were referred to as “socialism media”.  Since he cleared up that misconception he has lost a lot of interest.  Now, Bush also got caught up in the social media craze.  But, as you can imagine he got a little confused.  He told Laura he was afraid to get onto “MyFace” because if he got any “friends” there they might be bullies and sit on his face like Dick Cheney used to do when they got in the Oval Office alone together.

Obama has used television way more than any president ever imagined he could.  Now he may be going a bit too far.  The other day he met with some television executives.  He wants them to develop a show for him and call it “Dancing with Healthcare”.  He’ll host it but Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be the main dancers.  If the show fails he can blame it on them because they have too many left feet.  Naturally Obama thinks since he is involved it will be too big to fail and he will likely win an Emmy for the show.  But, if not, no problem, he has that Nobel Peace Prize to fall back on.

By the way, that Nobel Peace Prize has Bill Clinton really ticked off.  He thinks he should have won it himself but he does take consolation in the fact that he could have won the Nobel “Piece” Prize if they gave an award for that kind of thing.  In fact, he is in communication with Playboy and Hustler about sponsoring that award so he can win it while he’s still in his prime.  Of course, Monica Lewinsky could argue he was past his prime already back when he was president.  Otherwise, he would have never ruined her dress with those stains.

It would appear that Obama is starting to backslide on that whole “hope and change“ feel-good thing that he got elected on .  Instead, he has resorted to having Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi parade up and down the halls of Congress with sandwich boards that say “will work for healthcare.”  If he is not careful his legacy, if healthcare passes, could be that the cliché of “Nothing is certain except death and taxes” is taken to a whole new level of truth.

Fox News has other plans for Obama.  They are hoping to put an end to all the “pork” projects that are coming out of the Obama administration.  When it comes to re-election time they are intent on borrowing a line from Porky Pig, “Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, that’s all folks.”

darnfunnyonline.com

I recently read an article in the newspaper saying that three-fourths of British couples were too tired at the end of the day to have sex.  Given the Brits reputation for bad teeth I’m guessing it was not because they were preoccupied with flossing and brushing their choppers that kept them from sex.  Come to think of it, maybe it was the bad teeth that made them “too tired” to want to have sex.

This same article said that the British were getting so lazy that more than a third of those surveyed would not run to catch a bus.  In Las Vegas, where I live, we have that handled.  There are pictures of semi-naked girls on the buses so we not only run to catch them we have cars crashing all around them from people staring,  which also makes it easier to catch the bus because the traffic slows down.

Back to the too tired for sex thing, we Americans have that handled too.  We invented penile implants so when we’re too tired for an erection the implants take care of it.  And since most of our plastic surgeons are perverts the implants have the women thinking these implants are “too big to fail” so they feel obligated to “give more”, as it were.  Wow, the American sex life sounds strangely like the Obama administration.  Well, that does make sense since the American people are definitely getting screwed and the administration is run by a bunch of dicks.

Speaking of congressmen, (at least that’s what I thought of when I wrote the last sentence) it seems they have no trouble finding time or energy for sex.  Of course I’m referring to their extramarital affairs.  If we interviewed their wives we may find a lot more references to the “Biggest Loser” than we’d get to “Dancing with the Stars”.  But when a congressman meets an attractive woman (that is not his wife) his first thoughts go to “Deal or No Deal”, while the woman is thinking “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader”.   Ladies, the answer is they are smarter but they have less ethics and integrity, because those are the qualifications to even run for congress.

Again, returning to the British sex life.  I can just imagine a conversation a British couple may have as they crawl into bed into bed for the night (insert heavy English accent):

Man: Would you like to have sex tonight?

Woman: That depends, have you brushed your teeth?

Man: Well no, of course not.

Woman: Well, you better “pull the plug” on that idea then.

Man: That’s fine, you remind me of my granny anyway.

(In case you missed it, that was a reference to Obama healthcare there.  I do apologize for that one but I can’t resist it, whenever I think of getting screwed I think of the Obama administration.  My bad.)

All this talk about congress and the Obama administration makes me think of socialism, which, now that I think about it, goes right along with the typical congressman’s ideas of sex.  We should all give equally, at least the women to him.  And, of course, for some congressmen that would also include young boys or anyone in a restroom stall.

In that same newspaper article about the British being too lazy to have sex it said that sex can be great exercise.  Now I’ sure some of you readers are now thinking, “But, I like to work out alone.”  You should know that in this case “working out” with a “work out partner” is far more beneficial.  But first, don’t forget to brush your teeth.

 darnfunnyonline.com