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Best Late Night Jokes of the Week – 03/18/11

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Driving Miss Teenager

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 10-06-2010

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(This was the first article I published back in September 2009 when I started darnfunnyonline.  I wrote it a few years ago when I was teaching my daughter to drive.)

You’re getting anxious. You start to sweat. It something you know is inevitable and need to confront but, still, you try to avoid it.  It’s dangerous, life threatening even, but the time is now.  “Bonsai,” you scream!

That’s right it’s time to teach your teenager to drive.  In my case it was even worse, a teenage girl.

Oh sure, people will say, “She’s gotta learn sometime.”  My question to that statement is, “WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN MY CAR?”

It seems there should be some learning car that beginning drivers could drive.  And, better yet, have it be off in some alternate universe where no one can get hurt, no cars get banged up, and most of all, my nerves don’t get frazzled.

I can hear all the “know-bests” saying, “You have nothing to fear, but fear itself.”  Strangely, death, mutilation, and, worst of all, dented fenders come to mind.

A big fear of any parent teaching their teenager to drive is, “What if they never really learn?”  It is a legitimate concern, after all, someone once taught Donald Trump how to use a comb and look how that turned out.

Next, I tried to teach her to pump gas to which she responded, “Why do I need to learn to do this?  I don’t have money to pay for gas anyway.”  My quick retort was to look into my wallet and start sobbing.

For me, personally, I never worried about all the dirty looks from other drivers, or the beeping horns when my daughter waited to pull out because she could see smog in the air so she knew there had to be a car coming toward her soon, or even the road rage induced frustrations her driving caused.  Actually gunfire may have been a welcome diversion to the constant reminder of how my insurance rates were going to skyrocket when she gets her license.

As we got close to the time she was just about ready for her driver’s test (euphemism for me no longer freaking out when she nearly hits something) we had to address the parallel parking issue.  Why this is so difficult I don’t know.  But from what I’ve seen for myself and from talking to other parents you’d think parallel parking was harder than trying to stop a horny dog from humping your leg when you are wearing a new suit.  Anyway, after we got through that debacle she took her test and passed, proving, once again, that the level of testing in all levels of learning, not just public schools, is constantly being lowered to meet the level of the student.

But then, as I saw her pulling away for her first solo drive the scariest realization of all came to me.  Female teenage drivers eventually become  “women drivers.”  All over again I started to get anxious.  I started to break out in a sweat…it might be best to not go there since my wife just walked into the room and she loves to read over my shoulder…OUCH!

Politics and Responsibility, Say What?

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 20-05-2010

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Parents, if your child breaks something around the house like a window, for example, don’t be too concerned about his future just because he doesn’t seem to want to take any responsibility for it.  There’s a very strong possibility he has a future as an executive at a large multi-national corporation like BP, Transocean, or Halliburton.  If that doesn’t work out he or she can always run for Congress.

If that’s not extreme enough for you then maybe your child may even have presidential aspirations, after all, anything that goes wrong for President Obama is clearly President Bush’s fault.  Even if history rates Obama as the worst president ever he will be saying it’s because Bush was the worst up to that point.

If Obama was confronted by someone using the famous line by Jack Nicholson in the movie “A few Good Men” saying about his presidency, “You can’t handle the truth.”  I’m sure he would immediately break out his teleprompter and go into a beautiful soliloquy about the truth and what it meant to hope and change for this great country.  And then he would go on 42 different TV news and entertainment shows to talk about what the truth meant to us all until everyone forgot about the original accusation made to him about truth.  And by the time he was done with it truth would have a new definition just like “Hope” and “Change” does now.  Now that I think of it he may have taken lessons from Clinton.  During his impeachment proceedings sexual relations and oral sex had no interrelating definitions by the time he was done.

Now when you talk about responsibility and Congress you are really referring to two subjects that have no correlation to each other.  Here is a conversation between an interviewer and a congressman discussing responsibility:

Interviewer:  What do you think of this whole oil spill mess?

Congressman:  Well, I know one thing for sure.  I had nothing to do with it.  But rest assured Congress will get to the bottom of this.

Interviewer:  That’s an interesting statement.  What do you mean by that?

Congressman:  I mean we’ll have someone to blame.

Interviewer:  But what will that solve?

Congressman:  Nothing really, but it sure keeps the heat off of us in Congress.  I have to tell you that was a little uncomfortable for us during the Healthcare thing.

Interviewer:  But now because of what you did all of us citizens will suffer for a long time. (Editor’s note:  This interviewer obviously does not work for anyone but FOX…and proudly.)

Congressman:  (Clears his throat)  Well….I’m sure if there was any wrong doing on our part our ethics committee will look into it.  (Editor’s note again:  An ethics committee in Congress is like having a vacuum cleaner in a pig sty.)

Interviewer:  That is an interesting note.  On that, do you in Congress ever take responsibility for anything?

Congressman:  Of course we do.  Whenever we are caught doing something illegal or immoral and there’s no way out of it we admit we did it.

Interviewer:  That’s not really what someone would call taking responsibility.

Congressman:  You obviously know absolutely nothing about politics.

There you have it folks.  So, the next time your child breaks a window or something and admits even the slightest bit of responsibility for it breath a heavy sigh of relief.  He will never be a politician.

darnfunnyonline.com

Politics as Usual, Unfortunately

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 13-05-2010

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I haven’t written too much about Congress recently.  I guess it’s because they haven’t done anything colossally idiotic lately, it is just their routine idiotic.  If that is too harsh a term for some of you maybe we could try moronic, imbecilic or just plain stupid.  Any of those would serve quite well actually, so go ahead and take your pick.

I guess it’s really hard to top Obamacare for really bad ideas so in comparison to that nobody is really getting too excited recently. But with election season already getting started it is an exciting time for someone who writes humor, not unlike a kid on his first trip to Disneyland.  To see a jackass (and I’m not just talking about the democrats now, although they couldn’t have a more fitting symbol) fall on his face, as many politicians do when they are trying to impress the masses, is truly a fun thing.

It’s nice to see that Congress is currently addressing corruption, although if they were really going to get to the heart of the matter they wouldn’t need to look any further than their own halls.  It’s hard to imagine how they keep a straight face when they are drilling the executives of Goldman Sachs about their evil ways when they are probably having their assistants take notes to see if they can scrape off any good ideas that they can use for themselves.  They probably all go out to dinner afterward and have a good laugh and then charge it to the government.

I live in Nevada where Harry Reid keeps campaigning based on all the jobs he created for the state. Unfortunately, most of any jobs that have been truly created are more government jobs to enforce all the idiotic (there’s that word again, you can fill in any of the substitutes that you want to use again) rules they keep making.  Of course, that just costs the taxpayer more money.  But, bingo!  More jobs created because the fed has to hire more guys to run the printing press to print more money. What a system!

I can just hear Obama speaking to all the democrats in Congress to get them excited about the upcoming elections and trying to inspire them to victories:

Obama:  Ask not what your country can do for you… oh wait…that was Kennedy.  Who should I be today…Let’s see, well, the Republicans say I’m a Nazi so I definitely don’t want to be like Hitler and make them appear to be right.  Gee, I’m kind of stuck, there’s no one here I have to impress to get to vote for me, so for the first time in my life I’m at a loss for words…

Harry Reid: (interrupting) Uh, Sir, I detected very slightly that you were slipping into a Negro dialect.  Remember, I said you didn’t have a Negro dialect and that’s what made you electable.

Obama:  Elections, elections?  Thank you, Harry.  You brought me brought me back to reality.  My thoughts are all coming into my head again with a violent rush.  I feel like I could talk for days.  My ability to be a plastic politician has fully returned.

Nancy Pelosi: (interrupting) Sir, before you continue should I kiss your ring, or your foot… or your…

Obama:  No, thank you Nancy, not now anyway.  You can do your requisite sucking up later on.  (Then he continues on blah, blah, blah and everyone is all impressed even though he doesn’t care that he never intends to do anything he is telling them.)

And, so, the beat goes on in Washington and they will continue to do the idiotic (or whatever word you want to substitute) stuff they always do.  Unless we get real smart and throw a big tea party on election day.  Maybe we can trick the current congressman into joining us.  “Ooh, a party!”

darnfunnyonline.com

British Sex Life and American Politics

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 15-10-2009

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I recently read an article in the newspaper saying that three-fourths of British couples were too tired at the end of the day to have sex.  Given the Brits reputation for bad teeth I’m guessing it was not because they were preoccupied with flossing and brushing their choppers that kept them from sex.  Come to think of it, maybe it was the bad teeth that made them “too tired” to want to have sex.

This same article said that the British were getting so lazy that more than a third of those surveyed would not run to catch a bus.  In Las Vegas, where I live, we have that handled.  There are pictures of semi-naked girls on the buses so we not only run to catch them we have cars crashing all around them from people staring,  which also makes it easier to catch the bus because the traffic slows down.

Back to the too tired for sex thing, we Americans have that handled too.  We invented penile implants so when we’re too tired for an erection the implants take care of it.  And since most of our plastic surgeons are perverts the implants have the women thinking these implants are “too big to fail” so they feel obligated to “give more”, as it were.  Wow, the American sex life sounds strangely like the Obama administration.  Well, that does make sense since the American people are definitely getting screwed and the administration is run by a bunch of dicks.

Speaking of congressmen, (at least that’s what I thought of when I wrote the last sentence) it seems they have no trouble finding time or energy for sex.  Of course I’m referring to their extramarital affairs.  If we interviewed their wives we may find a lot more references to the “Biggest Loser” than we’d get to “Dancing with the Stars”.  But when a congressman meets an attractive woman (that is not his wife) his first thoughts go to “Deal or No Deal”, while the woman is thinking “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader”.   Ladies, the answer is they are smarter but they have less ethics and integrity, because those are the qualifications to even run for congress.

Again, returning to the British sex life.  I can just imagine a conversation a British couple may have as they crawl into bed into bed for the night (insert heavy English accent):

Man: Would you like to have sex tonight?

Woman: That depends, have you brushed your teeth?

Man: Well no, of course not.

Woman: Well, you better “pull the plug” on that idea then.

Man: That’s fine, you remind me of my granny anyway.

(In case you missed it, that was a reference to Obama healthcare there.  I do apologize for that one but I can’t resist it, whenever I think of getting screwed I think of the Obama administration.  My bad.)

All this talk about congress and the Obama administration makes me think of socialism, which, now that I think about it, goes right along with the typical congressman’s ideas of sex.  We should all give equally, at least the women to him.  And, of course, for some congressmen that would also include young boys or anyone in a restroom stall.

In that same newspaper article about the British being too lazy to have sex it said that sex can be great exercise.  Now I’ sure some of you readers are now thinking, “But, I like to work out alone.”  You should know that in this case “working out” with a “work out partner” is far more beneficial.  But first, don’t forget to brush your teeth.

 

 darnfunnyonline.com

Pigs Get a Bad Rap

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 08-10-2009

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I once heard someone refer to  Britney Spears as a “slutty pig.” It’s not fair to malign someone’s reputation without knowing them and I doubt this person had ever even talked to a pig so they shouldn’t insult an entire species like that.  Besides that, I really like bacon.

Additionally, to be technically accurate, one definition of a slut is a female dog.  And what’s wrong with dogs?  I love dogs!  Okay, not the same way I love bacon, so no one needs to call PETA.

But back to the pigs (and I don’t mean Britney now).  They really do get a bad rap.  There is swine flu, pork laden bills in Congress, “greedy pig”, “filthy pig”, “disgusting pig”, “eat like a pig”, “don’t hog all the food”.  It just doesn’t seem fair. 

Let’s get to know some pigs personally and we may start to like them.  We’ll start by giving them names.  Let’s just pull some names out of a hat and…there we go , we’ll call these pigs Bill and Hillary.

Bill:  “I’m in the mood for some hot pig sex.”

Hillary: (sighs deeply) “Well, okay I guess we could do that.”  (She thinks to herself –  I guess we should have sex at least once so it I can have a baby pig and people won’t suspect I married this pig just because he is the “King of the Pigs”.)  “Yeah, sure, Bill.  I’ll just need to get out of this pants suit first.”

Bill: “Whoa, whoa, I didn’t mean with you.  I was going to get on that new social media thing called ‘Oinker’ and send out an ‘oink’ and see who I can find.  Or maybe I’ll just go down to the trough and meet some sweet little pig.”

Hillary: (She slaps him) “You rotten pig.”

Bill: “Hey, you knew what kind of pig I was when you married me.  Anyway, we are both pigs so why don’t we treat each other like the pigs we really are.”

Hillary: (shrugs) “Works for me… What the heck, maybe I can piggyback onto you and someday be ‘Queen of the Pigs.’“

Bill: “To tell you the truth Hillary, you sometimes rub pigs the wrong way.  You may have to settle for ‘Secretary of the Sty.’”

Hillary: “At least I’ll still be an important pig.”

Bill: “Yeah, whatever.”

Okay, that may not be the best example of what pigs are really like.  Let’s pick another name out of a hat…hmm, an unusual name for a pig, Cher.

Cher: “What are you talking about, I’m not a pig, I’m a person, just because I believe in ‘love, after love, after love, after love, after love,’ doesn’t make me a pig.”

Ghost of Sonny butts in:  “That’s true, but she is a bitch, and that would make her more of dog ( also see definition of slut.)”

We’re better off leaving  that one alone.

Maybe we need to look at pigs from another angle.  They live a very simple life, for example, they don’t need health insurance.  Health care to a pig is laying in the mud.  Pigs don’t have wars.  If a pig gets mad at another pig, again, they lay in the mud.  When a pig is looking for a really good time…. I know you are thinking about Britney Spears again, but that is not the answer, okay, maybe they’d go to her concert, but then they’d go lay in the mud after that.

Pigs really are wonderful animals and the most important thing to remember about them is that they make really great bacon.

 darnfunnyonline.com

Communication-Men Vs. Women

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 01-10-2009

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It is a commonly known fact (meaning I believe it to be true) that women get married so they will have someone to talk to, or more accurately, someone to listen to them.  Men on the other hand get married so they have someone to have regular sex with and they don’t have to talk to them to get it.

Not really working out so well, is it?

There are exceptions, like Bill Clinton, who loves to talk and also like to have sex.  He made his own rules and got married to someone he never wanted to have sex with so he would have a reason to talk to other women and get them to have sex with him but never have to marry them because he already had a wife.  Very confusing.

But, back to the general rule.  Women long for the open communication about their feelings and thoughts about their relationships.  Men want to be left alone to watch sports and spit and cuss.  Open communication to a man is not falling asleep while his spouse is talking to him, and occasionally nodding to assure her he is listening, while thinking of sports or sex.

Among a man’s favorite things to talk about are business, sports and sex.  And most men love to tell jokes, which are mostly about business, sports or sex, which is why most women don’t really get the jokes.  But to show that they have good sense of humor they laugh anyway.  By the way, a man’s definition of a woman with a sense of humor is someone who laughs at his jokes.

One of the great joys of sex for a man is that it gets the woman to stop talking.  On the other hand, one of the things women like about sex is that it gives them something to talk about later on.

Strangely enough, women even seem to like to talk about how fat they are as long as their men reassure them that it is not true at all.  And any sane man will do that if he any hopes of ever achieving his dream as noted in the first paragraph of this article.

One place where this is all turned around is in the bathroom.  Men will talk about anything while they are sitting on the toilet.  Especially if it is about the size of the dump they are leaving, and they’ll probably want to show it as well.  Women do not want to talk while sitting on the toilet, in fact, that is one place where they decidedly do not want to share their feelings.

Again, there are exceptions to all these “rules”.  Take Barack Obama (please take him) for example, no man in the history of the universe liked to talk more than this guy.  It is actually quite possible that he is a woman in disguise.  He’s also bad at bowling, another clue.  But to his advantage he does like basketball, so there is hope for him.

Just imagine how confusing it is for Michelle Obama.  She says, “Barack, we need to talk.”

Instead of frowning and rubbing his temples in despair or curling up into the fetal position like most men when they hear that phrase, he says excitedly, ”Sure Michelle, what do want to talk about, socialism, health care, bail outs, swine flu vaccinations, town hall meetings, the evils of the Republican party, printing more money…”

Michelle, now being forced to take the typical man’s viewpoint says, “Never mind, let’s just have sex.”

Barack says, “Great idea, and then we can talk about how much I actually hate pretending to like that Nancy Pelosi  bitch.”  Which is a subject anyone, male or female, can get on board with.

darnfunnyonline.com

Working It Out

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 24-09-2009

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We live in a health-crazed society yet statistics show that Americans are getting fatter all the time.  This can only lead one to believe that most diets don’t actually work, with one exception….The Amish diet.

That’s right.  I grew up in Pennsylvania Dutch Country where there are a lot of Amish people and I don’t ever remember seeing a fat Amish person.  So, from that I can make the scientific deduction that it is electricity that makes people fat.  It has to be, they don’t use it and everyone else does.  They aren’t fat and the majority of people using electricity are.  Then just mix that electricity with a little bit of colorful clothing from a place like The Gap and you got a whole bunch of fat people.

The next time a guy gets the urge to sue somebody because they are fat they may just want to sue the electric company.  Or a clothing store (and if you don’t think it’s fair to sue The Gap because you’re fat sue them because they’ve made really stupid TV commercials in the recent past.)

If Jenny Craig was Amish and I was trying to lose weight I’d consider buying her stuff.  Also, if Richard Simmons was Amish I’d consider buying his exercise tapes.  Not because I thought it would get me in shape.  It would just be funny to see a gay Amish guy jumping around wearing one of those big black Amish hats and making a fool of himself.

The federal government recently released the new “improved” version of the food pyramid, which should probably be ignored.  I don’t know why but when I think of the government I think of fat, as in fat budgets, fat “pork” projects being pushed through Congress and, of course, the “fat heads” who run it.

I guess I shouldn’t be calling people fat because it’s not politically correct.  The correct term would be overweight or, better yet, corpulently challenged.  How about a compromise and say, “the fat, corpulent guy.”   No, that would be redundant so that wouldn’t work either.  Hmm…the only thing that makes sense to me is to call them non-Amish.

There is more and more talk recently about children being overweight or, sorry, non-Amish.  But you can’t blame the kids.  They are just following the example of their parents.  From my extensive research into the subject (meaning, I happened to read an article in the newspaper since it was, conveniently, located next to the comic section) one third of all adults are non-Amish and another third are severely non-Amish.  Interpreted another way, there are an awful lot of people keeping those Girl Scout cookie drives alive.

While you can get as complex as you want about losing weight it really just boils down to two things, as the experts will tell you, eating less and exercising more.  But, since I am now an “Expert” on the subject too, since I’ve now written an article on it, I’d like to add two more pieces of advice, stay away from electricity and The Gap.

darnfunnyonline.com

Driving Miss Teenager

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 04-09-2009

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You’re getting anxious. You start to sweat. It something you know is inevitable and need to confront but, still, you try to avoid it.  It’s dangerous, life threatening even, but the time is now.  “Bonsai,” you scream!

That’s right it’s time to teach your teenager to drive.  In my case it was even worse, a teenage girl.

Oh sure, people will say, “She’s gotta learn sometime.”  My question to that statement is, “WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN MY CAR?”

It seems there should be some learning car that beginning drivers could drive.  And, better yet, have it be off in some alternate universe where no one can get hurt, no cars get banged up, and most of all, my nerves don’t get frazzled.

I can hear all the “know-bests” saying, “You have nothing to fear, but fear itself.”  Strangely, death, mutilation, and, worst of all, dented fenders come to mind.

A big fear of any parent teaching their teenager to drive is, “What if they never really learn?”  It is a legitimate concern, after all, someone once taught Donald Trump how to use a comb and look how that turned out.

Next, I tried to teach her to pump gas to which she responded, “Why do I need to learn to do this?  I don’t have money to pay for gas anyway.”  My quick retort was to look into my wallet and start sobbing.

For me, personally, I never worried about all the dirty looks from other drivers, or the beeping horns when my daughter waited to pull out because she could see smog in the air so she knew there had to be a car coming toward her soon, or even the road rage induced frustrations her driving caused.  Actually gunfire may have been a welcome diversion to the constant reminder of how my insurance rates were going to skyrocket when she gets her license.

As we got close to the time she was just about ready for her driver’s test (euphemism for me no longer freaking out when she nearly hits something) we had to address the parallel parking issue.  Why this is so difficult I don’t know.  But from what I’ve seen for myself and from talking to other parents you’d think parallel parking was harder than trying to stop a horny dog from humping your leg when you are wearing a new suit.  Anyway, after we got through that debacle she took her test and passed, proving, once again, that the level of testing in all levels of learning, no�0