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Upon seeing an advertisement for the “Grinch Who Stole Christmas” it put me into a reflective mood.  As a result this article may be more reflective than humorous.  You could say the Grinch stole more than my Christmas; he stole a good part of my year.

It started in January, which was not good at all.  Then I recovered and things got better for a few months.  Then the Grinch was very active in April and put me in the depths of despair which lasted for a couple of months.  Following that with some very savvy help the Grinch got his ass kicked all over the place and I was much better.  Life continued to get better and better and I am again doing great!

Okay, enough of the reflection!  I am back to feeling like the rest of this article should be humor.  You see, that is how a man will typically reflect on an entire year.  Now for the humor side of the article we’ll look at how a woman reflects on things.  (Sorry ladies, it’s what I do.  Which gives me a perfect opportunity to make a shameless plug for an e-book I will be selling on my web site very soon, entitled “How to Romance a Woman and other Crap Like That”.)

Commercial over, now back to how a woman reflects on things.  To imagine a woman reflecting on a full year is out of the question since this is not a book of encyclopedic proportions.  Instead, we’ll mock-up her reflecting upon just one date with a man.  It goes without saying that she’ll be going over it in her head for days after it occurred.

Here is a microcosm of her thoughts before the date as she gets ready:

“Why won’t my hair do what I want it to?”

“I knew I should have gotten my hair cut”

“My breasts look too small in this top.”

“These jeans make my ass look fat.”

“I need to go on a diet.”

“That’s too much mascara.”

“That’s not enough mascara.”

“I wonder what we should talk about?”

“I should have gotten my teeth whitened.”

“My thighs look fat in these pants.”

“I don’t like this outfit. I’m changing.” (That statement at least 5 times or more.)

Multiply this by about one hundred and she is now ready for the date to begin.  Here are some of the thoughts that occur during the date that she will mull over for days.

“Does he like me?”

“I wonder if my breath is okay?”

“Does he think I’m a good kisser?”

“Does he think my breasts are too small?”

“Does he think my thighs are too fat?”  (Note the recurring theme on the body parts.)

“Does he like the sound of my voice?”

“I wonder if I should have sex with him?”

“Will he enjoy sex if we do it?”

Etc., Etc., Etc. You get the idea with more of the same after the date.

On the other hand, the man will have one thought before, during and after the date (about the next date with her,) “I hope we’re going to have sex.”

It’s been that way forever.  There were slight variations, for example, in Victorian times she would have thought, “I wonder if thouest thinkest my thighs are fat?”  But otherwise it’s basically the same.  Men are just simpler than woman.  (And I fear many women are thinking that simpler, especially about me at the moment, is not a flattering term.  But that’s okay because since I kicked that Grinch’s ass, as I said before, I’m all about having fun even when it’s at my expense!)

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(Note: This was an article I had written last year for Thanksgiving but the site was very new then so I am posting it again for all the new readers to enjoy.)

Thanksgiving is almost here.  This wonderful holiday means many things to many people.  To the football fan it is being able to watch football all day on a day that is not Saturday or Sunday.  To people who like to gorge themselves with food it is more fun than a sex therapist walking in on an orgy.  But to some people it is a an actual day when they do give thanks, such as that Nigerian businessman  giving thanks to Al Gore for inventing the Internet so that he could find that one in 10,000,000 people that is gullible enough to actually give out their bank information in hopes of getting rich.

There are really so many things that we can all give thanks for and when we look deep into our hearts it’s not hard to find them, for example:

Donald Trump can be thankful for all the money he makes because it gives him hope of someday having enough of it to find a cure for the bad hairdo.

Jon and Kate can be thankful for reality TV where people with no observable talent or skill can somehow still become famous and make a fortune.

Fox News can be thankful for Obama being critical of them and bringing up their ratings.

The drug lobbyist can give thankful that there are organizations within our government such as the FDA and Congress where you can still slip people money under the table and get them to do what you want even if you and the organizations you represent are a lying sack of dung.

Ronald McDonald can be thankful for the fact that he met his wife before she ever got a taste of the Burger King’s whopper.

Turkeys can be thankful that there is only one day a year (although for many people Christmas too) where they have to fear for their lives.

But  enough of that.  I always wondered what it was like being a turkey on a turkey farm leading up to  Thanksgiving:

Scene 1 – It is a sunny day in late April and two Turkeys, Tom and Tim, are laying on lounge chairs with their sunglasses on, smoking cigars and sipping on a beverage.

Tom:  It doesn’t get any better than this.  Whoever said being a turkey was a hard life didn’t know what he was talking about.

Tim: Yep, surrounded by chicks (A mother turkey walks by with her babies.) (Author’s note: baby turkeys are officially called poults but that doesn’t fit with the dialogue here, so deal with it!) We live the good life, all right.

Scene 2 – (Author’s note again, the scenes are not that long because turkeys are not known as great conversationalists.)It is mid-summer and Tom and Tim are sitting by the pool.

Tom: It sure is great to be a turkey.

Tim: Yeah, we could have been pigs and we’d have to worry about people who love bacon.

(They both laugh heartily.)

Scene 3.  (It is late October. Tom and Tim are sitting outside their roost.  They both have concerned looks on their faces.)

Tom: Have you noticed less of our turkey friends around here lately?

Tim:  Yeah, I wonder what’s going on?

They see the farmer walking towards them with an axe.  They look at each other wide-eyed and scream.)

Tom & Tim:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Author’s note, yet again, Tom and Tim thought the farmer was coming at them with an axe because he was going to make them into food but the real reason was because this little play was going nowhere!)

Moral of the story:  If you are an actual turkey, it may seem like everything is going your way but you will, eventually, lose it all in the end.  (Congressmen up for re-election next year need to take note.)

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There are many words that have brand new definitions in the last ten years and many new words that have been coined in that time.  If someone has been in a coma during that period and just woke up they would hear these terms and think that we had developed a new language.  They would be correct.

There is Twitter, tweeting, blogging,  Facebook, friends, followers, Farmville, poking and going viral to name a few.  I’ve been on Facebook for over a year and I still don’t actually know what poking is, but I definitely don’t get the idea it’s something I want some other guy to do to me.

There was a time when writing on someone’s wall meant somebody put graffiti on your home.  Now it means something else ( I don’t know why but I suddenly feel like I’m Andy Rooney the way this article is starting out.)

Now if someone “writes on your wall” it means a conversation that too often goes like this:

“I just got in an elevator”

“Any good music?”

“No, but someone just farted”

Actually, that’s not fair.  That is actually much more entertaining than many Facebook conversations that are available for all of their “friends” to see.

On Facebook there is a relationship status that you fill out that has caused untold upset, for example, this happy couple after she inspects his Facebook page:

Girlfriend:  We’ve been dating for a month.  Why does your relationship status still say “single”?

Boyfriend:  Oh yeah, just didn’t get around to changing it.

Girlfriend:  Do you consider I’m your girlfriend?

Boyfriend:  Yes.

Girlfriend:  Don’t you want to tell people you have a girlfriend?

Boyfriend:  Well, uh, at the moment, not so much.

Men are just not good at improvising on relationship questions and that ends that one.

Not that people were already great communicators but Twitter has forced people to be able to communicate in 140 characters or less.  This may be a happy thought if you are a mime but if you actually want to get a thought across it is not always the best .

There are definite signs that you’re spending too much time on your computer or IPhone.  One is if you are lucky enough to have a live conversation with someone and they tell a joke and instead of laughing you say “LOL” that would be a bad sign for you.  Also, if you are in the middle of having sex and you tell your mate to just scroll down a little farther (on your body) that would not be a good sign either.  If you are looking forward to the release of IPhone 5 like it will be a religious experience then you are definitely in trouble.

These days people are getting so fat they need to put up multiple profiles on Facebook to accommodate themselves.  I don’t know, maybe it’s one for each ass cheek.

Even the Queen of England just put up her own Facebook page, but no one is allowed to look directly at it and definitely no poking allowed.

Even though I have had a cell phone for about ten years I have steadfastly resisted texting.  I just always preferred an actual conversation.  But it looks like that era will be coming to an end.  A loved one has been insisting I take up texting and it looks like I will succumb.  It’s either that or I’ll have to change my Facebook relationship status.

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The day after the mid-term election President Obama looked into his magic mirror and asked it, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most liberal of them all?”

Nancy Pelosi’s reflection flicked into the mirror, and the mirror said, “Get out of there you loser.”  (Not the most forgiving mirror.) The mirror didn’t break, but Nancy’s face cracked a bit.

Then Harry Reid’s face came into the mirror, “Oh please, yeah, you’re as liberal as anybody but you’re more boring than Al Gore.  GET OUT OF HERE!”  Harry disappeared (author’s note – if only that were true.)

Obama’s reflection came into the mirror and he got his big Obama smile that suckered so many people into believing him two years ago.  “I KNEW IT WAS ME!”

“Of course it was you, you jackass, you’re so liberal you can’t even walk on the right side of the street,” the mirror said.  “But I’m really disappointed in how you lost the confidence of the people and made us lose the House.”

“Yeah, poor Nancy, huh?”

“Screw Nancy!” The mirror said.  I don’t care about Nancy! Nancy was just a pawn…and by the way, I mean that literally.  That bitch has such a plastic looking face she could actually be a chess piece.”

“But what could I have done differently? Our policies don’t really work.”

“Well, for one thing you can stop being the master of the obvious.  We know they don’t work, you idiot, but we have to make the people believe that maybe they could.” The mirror chuckles and then says mostly to himself, “I still can’t believe that anyone would actually fall for the ‘print money and give it away to get out of debt’ gambit.”

Obama smiled proudly, “Yeah, that one was my idea.”

”You can wipe the smile off your face, you Kenyan reject ” the mirror snapped at him.  “We won’t be able to use that one again.  Not with those evil ‘elephant men’ running the House.  They’re always trying to stop our socialistic and communistic ideas.  Why would someone do that?”

“I guess we haven’t gotten the people apathetic enough for their own good.”

“Ya Think?”  The mirror shook its frame in disgust.  “Look here, ‘Cars for Clunkers’ brain…and just so you know, you’re an idiot for letting Biden talk you into that one.  We’re still living that one down.  Here’s what we’re going to do.”

Obama’s ear perked up more than ever to listen closely, making him look like Dumbo the Elephant, which really pissed off the mirror because it reminded him of elephants again, but he said nothing about it.

“The only potentially workable strategy right now is going back to blaming Bush and Cheney for all the problems.  Cheney is the only politician who is disliked as much as you so we’ve got to go with what we have.”

“Yes, sir,” said Obama.  “I’ll get right on it and start booking myself on talk shows.  Maybe I’ll have a cup of tea while I plan it out.”

“TEA, TEA?!?!?  GET OUT OF HERE YOU OPRAH WANNABE”

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I recently had the opportunity to go clothes shopping with a woman.  When I say I had the opportunity I mean I was forced at gunpoint.

Being somewhat of a fashion expert myself, whose range of fashion extends all the way from sitting in front of my computer in my underwear to going out to pick up the newspaper in my bathrobe, I can say it was quite an experience.

As an aside, why is it that fashion models, both male and women, look like they are always pissed?  Is it because they are saying to themselves, “This stupid outfit is riding up my crotch but I can’t stop and adjust it, those baseball players who are always tugging at their crotches are so lucky, so I’m going to at least let everyone know that I’m not happy about it.”  I guess if they had a smile on their faces there would be the danger that the audience would think the model was just laughing at how stupid the outfit they were wearing looked.  I’m glad I worked that out.  Whoever said fashion was tough?

Back to my shopping experience, my duties were varied from carrying the bags to…actually, that was it.  If I was asked an opinion it was only to verify choosing the opposite of what I said (that and to awaken me from my stupor.)

I am told that women like to replenish their wardrobe every 6 months or so (varies based on the degree of craziness).  My own closet still has clothing from 20 or more years ago.  Yeah, you women are laughing at me right now when I’m wearing my leisure suit, but won’t you be sorry when time travel is invented and you’ll have nothing to wear.

There is apparently, a new fashion season for each season of the year.  The title of this article is actually a misnomer but it is convenient for me because I can I can just recycle this article for the winter fashion season, etc., etc.  (My genius knows no bounds along with my unlimited work ethic.)

You’d think women would recycle what they wore in the last season but that ain’t gonna happen because it would violate the fashion sense of most women, which is “buy anything new.”

Also , I would like to know what would make a pair of shoes worth $500 or a purse worth $1,000.  My only guess is that they find those rare cows that leave cow ploppers in the pasture that are lined in gold and they use their skins to make the shoes and purses.  That, or women are suckers, not sure which.  Naturally, anybody reading my articles would not fall into the sucker category.  You would merely be making wise investment choices with your shoe and purse purchases!  Bravo to you!

Supposedly, it is fashion magazines who decide what is in style for any particular season.  The two most important prerequisites for “fashionable” are expensive and, as covered above, new.  Lesser requirements are that the new styles have to fit on the body of scarecrows  (which is why the weight loss industry and fashion industry are so closely related) and it has to be something slightly more weird than last season.

Once again, we re-discover that men are so much simpler than women.  For myself, I just need a new set of socks and underwear at Christmas time and I am set for the year.

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The November election is almost here and I can’t wait.  Not because I’m so excited to vote, I just want it to be over so that there aren’t political commercials coming on during a football game when there should be beer commercials.

Budweiser makes really good commercials and even though I don’t drink beer, it’s way more fun seeing the Clydesdale horses or semi-naked women than it is hearing politicians saying negative stuff about their opponents.

I’m reading more and more stories about incumbents who won’t make themselves available to the reporters because they are afraid they’ll say something stupid and blow the election.  Elections are becoming more and more something to not lose rather than something to win.  I can just picture the majority of the incumbents laying in a corner of their office in the fetal position with their hands over their ears and yelling, “Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa,” hoping election day passes and their assistants will get them to shut up for a minute and tell them they won. They won’t be telling them that but they can at least hope.

Harry Reid is known for making malapropisms.  It’s like he is the Norm Crosby of politicians except that he isn’t being funny he is just being stupid.  And this is the guy running the Senate.

Then there is the other kind of politician, who is really only good at one thing, which is getting elected, Barack Obama, for example.  Man, can that guy talk and if you give him a teleprompter he can talk longer than Al Gore can be boring…well, maybe not.

Bill Clinton was another one in that category but I have to admit he was good at more than one thing.  Actually, I can’t attest that he was good at it but he was sure good at finding women to do it with him.

Now that I think of it there are a lot of politicians who are good at many things, unfortunately, most of them are either illegal or immoral or both.

Not that politicians were ever a higher class of citizen but these guys in Congress would make Honest Abe Lincoln turn over in his grave.  Oh, guess what?  He did turn over and he woke up enough to be interviewed by darnfunnyonline (DFOL) for this article:

DFOL: Hi, Abe.

Abe:  Don’t say hi, It makes me think of the drugged state most of these yahoo politicians are must be in these days.

DFOL:  I understand.  What do you think the biggest problem is in politics today?

Abe:  That’s like asking why Bill Clinton would be unfaithful to Hillary, there are just so many reason.

DFOL:  Have you heard Donald Trump is going to run for President.  For myself I’m excited from a comedy standpoint, but then again there are only so many hair jokes you can come up with.

Abe:  It’ll be a good thing if he does get elected.  Maybe he can fire some of the bums in their now.

DFOL:  What do you think of Obama’s economic policies?

Abe:  I don’t think you can call them policies.  I think he could do better if he just looked for loose change under the sofa cushions.

DFOL:  What would you do if you were President now?

Abe:  Well, I’m thinking I’d like to pick out the worst of the guys in Congress and invite them to see a play with me at Ford’s Theater in Washington.

DFOL:  That might be a little extreme.  What else you got?

Abe:  I think I’d get everybody off to a fresh start and lighten the mood by throwing a nice tea party.

DFOL:  That sounds like a plan…

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[This week's humor article is two-fold.  First there is mine and then a response to it from my girlfriend, Su Falcon (it's true, she is actually willing to put up with me).  So make sure you read through to the end.]

When a woman asks her spouse a question about something she considers to be a serious subject the man’s typical response is…”What?”  This is usually accompanied by a baffled look.

An example of this would be when she asks him, “Were you looking at that woman’s breasts?”  His response would be something like, “What…Noooo, why do you always think I look at every woman’s breast?”  If he is using his imagination he will go on the offensive and say, “It’s actually insulting when you ask me that all the time.  I’m looking at lots of people.  Just because I happen to notice something about a woman does not mean I’m looking at her breasts.”

He is, of course, lying.  But, in his defense it’s not a total lie because he really is only looking at the women with big breasts.  Also, some men are more partial to a woman’s legs or ass, so it’s not always their breasts.  We’re not that one dimensional and shallow.

Before I go further, this is not all men that I’m talking about here, but the typical man.  For example, I don’t do anything like that and I want to make that especially clear to my girlfriend who will be reading this and actually writing a rebuttal to it.

Very often, though, we men just really do not have any idea what the woman is talking about. For instance, when a woman asks the man, “When we got together, why did you want to be with me?”  This is a very loaded question and the answer can be wrong, and probably will be wrong, no matter how much thought we put into it.  And by putting thought into it I’m referring to answering while engrossed in sports on TV and simultaneously throwing snacks down our throats.

Here is the perfect example of where lying, or shall I say stretching the truth, could be a very pro-survival thing.  If you told her she just happened to be the next woman you saw after you broke up with your last girlfriend the results could be fatal.

Another one is her asking, “How about if we spend some time tonight, just you and I, talking about our relationship?”  The man answers, “What…Why?” (See reference to baffled look in the first paragraph.)

There are an infinite variation to these type of questions, which leads me to the real point of this article.  Women are always trying to get men to think!  We just don’t like to do that very much.  It doesn’t come natural to us.  When one man asks another man to do something that, to a woman would appear to be a notoriously stupid act, we don’t think about it, we just do it.  We are the hunters, the survivors, the doers!  Oh sure, we regret it later but at least we didn’t waste time thinking about it in the first place.

In summary, we’ve all heard the saying, women, ya gotta love ‘em.  Well that’s actually true.  Unless you are gay, women are all there is.  There is no third sex.  So it’s actually a literal statement!

I believe I’ve clearly established the superiority of the male intellect here.  Yet my girlfriend,  Su, has insisted after reading some of my past articles (she used the word claptrap, I believe) on the differences between the male and female of the species, that she would like to write a rebuttal.  What the heck, I’ve already noted that “ya gotta love ‘em.  So over to you, Su.  (OMG, I wasn’t even trying to rhyme there, so add natural poet to the man’s list of skills!)

Rebuttal by Su Falcon

First off, I would never use a word like “claptrap.” Nonsense, rubbish, even drivel, but never claptrap. I hate when men put words in my mouth. (Must have been that woman with big breasts who said “claptrap.” Wishful thinking on Steve’s part.)

(Steve’s side note: “What?”…followed by the baffled look.)

Second, I would never say, “Let’s spend some time together tonight talking about our relationship.” I am all about diving in without warning. Preemptive strike.

Otherwise, I agree with Steve. Men don’t think. Most females over the age of five know this. Men make no effort to disguise this. And frankly, if you meet a man who does connive to the degree that a woman does, run for the hills, he’s probably a politician.

No, it’s a man’s simplicity that I find appealing. After a hard day of solving the world’s dilemmas over coffee with your girlfriends, it’s utterly refreshing. For example, I came up with a scheme for establishing peace in the Middle East—a simple three-step plan: 1. Teach all women to read, 2. Give them all Facebook pages, 3. Give them guns. Things would calm down pretty quickly—one way or another. Men just don’t get politics. But they’re very good at taking out the trash… uh, Steve?

(Another side note by Steve:  I’ll say it again, women, ya gotta love ‘em.)

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I’m waiting for the liberal media to start doing the polls according to how many people disapprove of President Obama just so they can say high numbers when they mention his name.

Obama’s approval rating is getting so low so fast it’s almost like he’s in an airplane and he’s coming in for a landing and he’s about to be at ground level, or zero, right at about election time, which is good news for the country and bad news for the Democrats.  Funny how those two things are inversely proportional.

Most of the incumbent congressmen are in the same boat.  Harry Reid, Obama’s chief suck-up in the Senate, is up for re-election in Nevada, where I happen to live.  His disapproval rating is so strong that the only time you hear Harry Reid and a form of the word approval is in his TV commercials when he says he approves of the messages.  If a miracle does occur and Harry happens to win his election I am going to move out of Nevada.  I was going to be moving anyway but it really sounds macho to say that and be able to carry it out.

It’s a shame that Obama’s not a medical doctor so he would have had to have taken the Hippocratic oath of “First do no harm.”  Although I’m pretty sure he would have altered it to say “First Bush should have done no harm.”

Somehow Obama keeps insisting that the economic situation would be so much worse if it was not for the stimulus program.  That’s like saying…no forget it.  I can’t think of anything that stupid to compare it to.

Okay, I have to give it a shot, here’s an attempt.  Al Gore would have been even more boring to hear about if he hadn’t tried to hit on several massage therapists.  Nope.  That doesn’t work either because there is actually a little bit of truth to that.

I hate to quit so soon.  Here’s another go.  If not for Obama’s speeches about hope and change Larry King would have even been a bigger sleaze bag and not only slept with his wife’s sister but her cousin too.   Oops, I’m told that is likely to have occurred anyway.  So another bad example.

All right, third time’s the charm.  Bill Clinton would have been a much worse husband if not for the fact that Hillary was such a bitch.  Wait a minute!  That is not even close to the analogy that I was going for. (Okay, I confess.  I wasn’t even trying for the analogy there I just wanted to say that Hillary was a bitch.  And while I’m at it let’s throw Nancy Pelosi under that bus as well.)

Obama has had so many bad ideas that by the time his presidency is over (in 2012) it will have proven to be such a clunker it will qualified to be sold under the cash for clunkers program… His presidency is so bad that even Obamacare couldn’t keep it alive…His presidency is so bad that by the time its over the administration will have screwed more people that Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and John Edwards combined.  Ba-dum-bump.

One thing we do know for sure.  The stimulus program did help create new jobs, even if it is only for the Republicans in the November election.

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There continues to be bad news in the polls for President Obama and congressional Democrats.  In a poll on the president’s handling of the economy 57% of those polled disapproved of the job he was doing.  The remaining 43% didn’t understand the question.

Obama is starting to catch onto his poll numbers going down and he is rethinking the fact that he has been channeling Joseph Stalin as his economic advisor.   Of course, this fact pissed off Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and it actually created a bit of a tiff between the three of them.  Shortly afterward, though, it all got straightened out.  Obama came on stage to do a speech.   Harry and Nancy were in the audience.  Obama started out by saying, “Hello.  Today, I’d like to talk to you about taxing and spending.”  Suddenly Reid and Pelosi rush up on stage and hugged Obama.  They were both crying with relief and were heard saying together, “You had me at hello, you had me at hello.”  They both got down on their knees and starting kissing his ass.  But, curiously, neither one of them would kiss his right cheek.  They both insisted on kissing only his left ass cheek.  At least that’s the way I heard the story.

As Obama continued his speech he was getting a little distracted and irritated by the fact that Reid and Pelosi were still slobbering all over his left ass cheek so finally he had to call the Secret Service agent out to extricate them.  As they were being dragged off stage Obama looked at them a little resentfully and said to them, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Anyway, in the above mentioned speech he was quoted as saying, “Let’s reach out for hope.”  I can only think that “reaching out for hope” is a euphemism for “let’s reach for your wallet because I’m about to tax your butt.”

In the president’s defense, though, he really does need to raise taxes.  Otherwise, how could he possibly pay for all the luxurious vacations he’s been taking lately.

A fact that Obama likes to conveniently forget when he blames George Bush for the economy and everything else, including his bowling inability, is that he was a member of the democratically controlled congress that helped to massively screw up the economy in the first place.  A Republican lady in the audience reminded him of that fact to which Obama quickly retorted, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

(Sorry, I seem to have a movie quoting jones going on here.)

And, of course, considering himself the son of God (if not God himself) he wouldn’t really give a damn what anybody else thinks or else he wouldn’t be following through with the policies that most people are not in favor of and are doing more harm than good.  For example, in another poll regarding Obama’s overall job performance 59% did not approve of his overall performance, while 25% were too busy to answer because they were looking for his birth certificate and the remaining were not able to answer because they were illegal aliens, but were definitely going to be voting for him in the next election if he is able to get them amnesty.

Finally, as Obama was wrapping up his speech and extolling the benefits of high taxation, he got the best Italian expression on his face that he could muster and said to the entire audience, “I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

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If you are a woman and you want to see a man instantly get a blank look on his face just ask him to discuss your relationship.  In fact, it just occurred to me that some women could use this as a ploy to not getting any protest just before she is about to go clothing shopping and spend a lot of money.

It would go like this.  She is already dressed and ready to walk out the door.  She sees her husband who is watching TV and engages the ploy.  “You know, honey, I would really like to talk about our relationship.  Can we do that now?”  He immediately goes into a trance, 90% real, 10% feigned in hopes that she will leave without another word.  She waits for a response she knows is not forthcoming.  “Not now?  Okay, maybe later.  I’m going to go shopping then.”  She walks out the door with a smile as she heads off to her guilt free shopping adventure.  After all, she did notify him.  He sits there still fixated in the trace for at least another ten minutes.  Not fair at all!

Eventually, these relationship discussions are inevitable though.  We can only avoid them for so long.  They usually go about like this: (We’ll skip the preliminary stuff and go right to the woman nagging, ‘er, I mean discussing.)

Woman:  I feel like you don’t pay enough attention to me, unless we’re having sex. (Author’s commentary here: truthfully, he may not have been paying that much attention then either.)  And when we’re at home together you are always watching sports or playing video games.

What the man actually heard during this conversation was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex.”  When he heard sex he suddenly felt alive…until she continued talking.  Then, again, he heard her say, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sports or playing video games.”  Again he perked up.  Suddenly he is hit with  panic.  He doesn’t know what she said.  Does she want to have sex with him now?  If that’s the case he doesn’t want to blow the opportunity.  Or maybe she was telling him she enjoys it when he watches sports or plays video games, in which case let’s get busy watching or playing.  He’s hoping she didn’t say she wanted to watch or play the games with him, please, not that.

Suddenly she breaks the awkward silence that he was too self possessed to realize was occurring.

Woman:  (Angrily) Well, are you going to say anything at all?

Man:  Uh…did you say that..uh…that, uh, you wanted to have sex?

Then he finds himself waking up moments later rubbing his blackened eye.

Occasionally, when a man is just talking with his spouse and he doesn’t consider that they are talking about their relationship he might say something that she considers to be very sweet and loving.  He didn’t know any better and said it inadvertently.

Nevertheless, he will get a lot of credit for this, which means nothing more than the woman will tell all of her closest girlfriends about it.  Actually, she’ll constantly be telling them things that he did, good or bad.  It’s part of a code that women have.  They are compelled to talk about relationships to each other.  It’s like a pact they sign when they reach womanhood.  It’s also necessary because we men are too shallow to do it.

Some men might be tempted to secretly listen in on one of these women sessions sometime.  But the fact is that all they’d ever really hear anyway is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then he wanted to have sex.”

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