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I am getting back into stock trading after a three and a half year hiatus for various reasons.  In studying the terminology I have to admit I am getting very excited.  Oh yeah, for the excitement of trading, too, but I was talking about the terms making me horny.

Let me give you an example.  The wider the spread the deeper the penetration you are likely to get with the movement going up and down…What??  Okay, confession time, while those are all legitimate words and phrases used in trading, the way I worded them really doesn’t make much sense as far as trading goes, (maybe a little if you use your imagination, and I did!) but they sure do make sense in sex!…Hey, don’t judge me!  I don’t have a girlfriend and talking about sex is as close I can get to getting it.

I have previously written an article about the “Similarities Between Basketball and Sex” and another entitled “Baseball and Sex are Very Similar.” Now I’m writing this one and since football season is almost here I was planning on showing how football and sex are intertwined…Really, I’m not obsessed.  (But, man, I gotta get a girlfriend!)

Seriously, though, here are some more examples that show the relationship between stock trading and sex or relationships, men and women, etc. :

Going short or long in trading has its own meaning.  In sex it has a meaning too, for the man and with obvious ramifications for the woman as well.  When you are short a stock you get out whenever it best suits your purposes.  When you are short in sex sometimes it would be hard to tell if you even got in.

In trading, a day order is an order that is good to be filled anytime within that day.  A day order in a relationship is whatever the wife tells the husband to do whenever she sees him relaxing and enjoying himself.

In reading a stock graph a strong indicator that a move is about to occur is a double bottom.  In sex, think of a big butt or as it was referred to in the rap song, Baby got Back, a “juicy double.”

A double top is also an indicator of a strong move about to take place.  In sex, think of someone like Dolly Parton.

Another stock term is filling the gap.  In sex, that is not always possible if you are dealing with someone who is short.  (Refer to previous paragraph on long and short.)

Getting filled….Ditto on the above paragraph.

Market depth…Again, it has to do with if you are short or long.

Another stock term, overbought…In sex, it means he paid more than he had to for the jewelry he bought to get her in the mood.

And finally, in stocks, a shallow market…In sex, it would refer to me being shallow for writing this article.

Whew!  I don’t know about you, I’m not even a smoker, but after writing this I feel like a need a cigarette.

darnfunnyonline.com

Being an amateur history buff and yesterday being the 4^th of July, I tried to imagine what the first 4^th of July celebration was like.  Here is what I came up with:

July 4^th 1776

The congressmen from the various 13 colonies are lingering around in a picnic atmosphere with hamburgers and hot dogs coming fresh off the grill.  John Hancock, who was the President of the Congress that signed the Declaration of Independence, gathered everyone around him.

Hancock:  Okay guys.  I signed the document so how about the rest of you guys come up here and put your John Hancock’s onto this document.  (Smiles)…Your “John Hancock,” I like that.

Ben Franklin:  It’s no “A penny saved is a penny earned,” but it’s not bad.

The signers put their signature on the Declaration of Independence, one by one.  John Hancock sees that Sam Adams just signed it.

Hancock:  Oh, Sam Adams, by the way, thanks for bringing the beer today.

Sam Adams:  No problem, and the next time you go to the store to pick up a six-pack, don’t forget me.

Just then a tall man with a beard and a black stove pipe hat steps up on a platform and starts speaking.

Tall man:  Four score and 7 years ago our forefathers brought forth to us a new nation…

Hancock:  Who’s the guy with the funny hat?

Franklin:  Calls himself Abe Lincoln.

Hancock:  Somebody wanna Google Abe Lincoln and find out who this guy is.

A minute later a guy comes back with an answer.

One of the signers:  It’s hard to read my computer screen in this sunlight but it says here that he’s the president in 1860.  Ewww, doesn’t end good for him.  Maybe we should tell him, he’s a good speaker and he sure is saying nice stuff about us.

Hancock:  Nah, he’s another time traveler.  Can’t tell him his future, it’ll upset the time space continuum, or so I’ve heard.  Have security get him out of here… Interesting though, they still remember what we did here today, four score and 7 years ago (he counts on his fingers and his assistant whispers in his ear.)

Assistant:  That’s 87, sir.

Hancock:  Yes, right, 87 years ago.  I wonder if 200 to 250 years from now people will remember it too…

Ben Franklin:  Well, you know what they say, “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”

Hancock:  What does that have to do with anything?  And, enough with the witticisms, already.

Ben Franklin:  You watch, that one will catch on before you know it.

Hancock:  Anyway…Hey, Thomas Jefferson, have you started working yet on that idea that you had for a Constitution?

Jefferson:  No, that’s still a few years down the line.  My biggest fear is that people will pervert it and you’ll have these “Constitutional Scholars” in the future that pretend to know what it means and do the opposite.

Hancock:  Don’t worry about that, you are a great writer, just do the best you can.  After all, every era has assholes, just look at that guy.

He points to a drunk guy with a bucket on his head as he staggers into a tree and everyone laughs.

END SCENE

(On a more serious note for a change, our forefathers were great men who rose above the extreme problems of the day and gave us a wonderful foundation for the government we have today.  It’s fantastic that we have a day every year to commemorate that.  Hopefully, we’ll all begin to conserve, or get back, that government on a daily basis.  If not, we could very easily be ordering Chinese take-out on the fourth of July’s of the future instead of having a picnic.)

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The never ending saga of women torturing men with shopping played out with me as the victim a few weeks ago when my daughter was visiting me from out of town.  She innocently asked me if I would take her to pick up a few things and I was stupid enough to buy that.  The rest of the buying was done by her and, you guessed it, I got to pay for it.

It’s really hard to understand the reason why shopping for men can be physically painful but it is.  I’m talking about the kind of pain that feels like a red hot probe inside your brain frantically searching for something that is not there, kind of pain.  I would definitely prefer hard physical labor while pins and needles were poked into my muscles, to a day of shopping with a woman.  It’s a similar type of pain anyway, and with my example there is a chance you could escape.

I think the scientific reason for men not liking to shop with a woman. It is simply that WE HATE THAT.

I can give you more of an explanation, actually.  I’ve researched this thoroughly and this is what I made up…er, what I discovered to be the truth.

The basic incident that started all the problems goes all the way back to Adam and Eve.  Eve went to Adam and said we need to shop for some apples.  Adam wisely wanted to stay home that day and watch sports on TV but Eve wouldn’t hear of it.  She cajoled him into going apple shopping in spite of the fact that Adam argued that apples were the forbidden fruit.  That was his first mistake, telling her that it was something she couldn’t shop for.  It was all downhill from there.

Eve had to find the perfect apple.  She couldn’t just find an apple and be done with it.  She had to SHOP.  First she looked at the Jonathan Apples, then the Golden Delicious and the Red Delicious, next the Gala, then the McIntosh and finally the Granny Smith.  All the while she was comparing theses apples one against the other as Adam sat off at a distance with a blank look and intermittently rubbing his forehead.

Every time Eve asked Adam his opinion of which apple would be the best she would contradict his opinion and say, “Hmm, no I like the other one better.”  Adam was starting to go more than a little crazy when Eve had finally decided on the Red Delicious, not because it tasted the best but because it was the shiniest and prettiest.  Adam at least thought they could finally get the hell out of there when Eve decided she wanted to try on some of the leaved branches of the apple trees to cover up her private parts.  That’s when Adam finally lost.  This is when the first swear words were invented too, by the way.

Adam yelled to God, “God, damn her.”  Well, this pretty much pissed off God because this was his kingdom and he didn’t like being told what to do.  So he reversed things on Adam and he damned all men by making it a natural law of the universe that they would hate shopping forevermore and women would make their men go shopping with them despite that.

It’s been that way ever since.  There’s the history behind it but I think there is even a more underlying reason men don’t like to go shopping with women and that is just that WE HATE THAT.

darnfunnyonline.com

I’ve decided to let our advice columnist, Dear Crabby, slither through the doors of darnfunnyonline once again to spew her venomous advice.  If I don’t let her do this every once in a while she’ll just insult me, so I figure it’s best to let her spread it around.  So, anyway, here’s Crabby.

(Dear Crabby)  Thank you, Steve, you witless wonder.  That lack of enthusiasm in your introduction reminded me how I felt the last time I read something you wrote.

Let’s get to our first question:

Dear Crabby:

I’m looking to get into the business world and I think I should use the word, paradigm, because they seem to say that a lot in the business world.  Can you tell me what it means?

Business Guy

Dear Business Guy:

I can help you out.  Let’s break the word down.  Para is from Greek language and it means, beside or like.  Digm is from the Stupid language (which I believe you speak fluently) meaning to “dig them.” So now you’ll see that to you paradigm, if YOU used it in the business world, would mean to be like digging yourself a hole so deep you’ll never get out of it.  SO JUST STICK TO YOUR JOB AT MCDONALD’S BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR CEILING IN THE BUSINESS WORLD, moron.

I hope that advice helps, it was given from the heart.

Crabby

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriends don’t really like my boyfriend.  They complain about him constantly and it makes me have doubts.  Should I be listening to them?

Confused

Dear Confused:

First of all, quit trying to live your life like you are a character in “Sex and the City.”  When you think about them they are actually a bunch of neurotic, psycho sluts anyway.  If you want to be like them you are already in trouble?  No, you shouldn’t listen to your friends either, and to be frank, it’s best not to take advice from other people, except yours truly, of course.  Actually, your boyfriend sounds like he deserves better than you.  If he is good looking tell him to get in contact with me.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My husband is having trouble finding work and he is thinking of taking a job as an assassin.  He has no experience except that he can be a little mean sometimes and he does like to go squirrel hunting.  Do you think I should let him?

Financially Strapped

Dear Financially Strapped:

Just shoot yourself now and save the aggravation!

Crabby

Okay, this is Steve, again.  I need to cut off Dear Crabby now before her advice has people at our door with clubs and knives.  Just remember, readers, whenever you need advice on a subject you can always think what Dear Crabby would tell you to do and then DO THE OPPOSITE.

darnfunnyonline.com

(This is an article I had written about a year ago and I’m re-posting it now.)

Sometime over a year ago I wrote an article entitled “Blame it on Testosterone.”  In it I basically justified men’s actions (i.e. stupid stuff we do) on the hormone, testosterone.  While there is some truth to that, I now believe a more accurate statement would be to blame it on estrogen.  Not only do estrogen driven women often drive us crazy in many ways (including horniness…so again, not really our fault) but also many men are becoming estrogen laden themselves by environmental causes.  This can make us fat, lose our sex drive and make us want to stop working, out of the blue, to decorate our office.

Environmental estrogen not only can make us fat it also can cause man boobs, or moobs.  Worse than that, because we have now lost a lot of our sex drive and become lazy, the men who have this dilemma sometimes think that it’s not that bad of a thing.  Now, being lazy and only having a portion of their sex drive left, they find it convenient to have their own boobs, if you get my meaning.

This environmental estrogen comes from numerous sources like hormones fed to animals, particularly in fast food, plastics and many other causes from our modern day world.  This excessive estrogen affects women too.  It’s bad for their health and can make them very cranky, which means it’s also bad for a man’s sanity.  Microwaving plastic especially brings it out so if a woman has leftover fast food and heats it up in a plastic container in the microwave it could make the woman have hot flashes and start yelling at her husband for no reason, while the man, after eating this meal, will want to ignore her and just cuddle up on the couch and watch an episode of Glee.

Too much estrogen in a woman can be a bad thing whether it is natural or from environmental causes.  Here is a quote from the Bible to back up my case:

1 Peter 3:3-4
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”

This was before God had invented estrogen.  Then he got busy with a little lab experiment.  Frankenstein had not yet been created so he had nothing to compare this estrogen invention to and as a result we now have fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry and beautiful clothes, etc., etc.  Not to mention that when estrogen really flares up in a woman the results can be disastrous for a man.  Does the term “whipped” mean anything to you?

Back to this environmentally created estrogen, the effects on men can be devastating.  These effects can be wide and varying, from decreased size of the gonads and other man organs to an overwhelming desire for show tunes and shopping for shoes.  Just to let you know my testosterone to estrogen level is in good shape I’ll pass on a “manly” joke that I heard on the radio the other day:

Q: What do you say to a naked woman?

A:  Why do you have to say anything?  She’s already naked.  (Ba-dum-bum)

In the interest of full disclosure I have to admit that I am actually a big fan of the TV series Glee.  With that said, I will be going to the doctor tomorrow to have my hormones checked.

darnfunnyonline.com

With baseball season now in full swing and the basketball playoffs in progress it makes me harken back to the days of my youth when I would watch sports in my bedroom on a black and white TV with rabbit ears and so much snow on the screen it was hard to believe we could be having blizzards in April and May even if they only occurred in my bedroom.  Watching with this terrible reception is also the reason I am blind today.  Just kidding, but I had you going for a minute there didn’t?  But, logically, how could I type so well, with only occasional typos, misspelled words and misplaced commas, if I was blind? Really?

This article was originally going to be about sports but then when I started harkening it put me in a harkening mood so I think I will stick to the harkening.  You are probably wondering if I’m able to follow a train of thought…what was I saying?

Anyway, back to this harkening business.  I remember when commercials on television were actually entertaining and you remembered the jingles like, “Hot dogs, Armour hot dogs, what kind of kids eat Amour hot dogs, fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks,” etc. etc.  (If you find yourself singing that song now and not being able to get it out of your head I take full responsibility, not that that will get the song out of your head, but I’ll no longer feel bad about it.) (Another aside, if that commercial was made today the lyrics would have to end after “fat kids.”)  Nowadays the commercials on TV are selling prescription drugs and more than half of the commercial is devoted to giving side effects of the drugs such as death or depression for anti-depression drugs.  But you have to admit if you are dead you’re no longer depressed.

Here is another harkening, weren’t they the good old days when you could go out of your house without a cell phone and not have to worry about walking into a pole while you are looking into your phone and texting?  Although, it can be entertaining to watch others do that.

It’s hard to imagine what we did before we had the Internet.  Oh wait, I remember now.  We watched TV with the bad reception as in paragraph one.  So forget that harken.

Back in the day, one of the great inventions was the Etch-A-Sketch.  How cool was that compared to the bland stuff they come up today like iPads, iPods, iPhones, blah, blah.  Okay, maybe those things are better but at least back then they knew to capitalize the first letter of a proper iNoun.

Twenty or thirty years ago there was no TSA and if you were going to be groped by a relative stranger back then it had to happen the old fashion way, like through sexual harassment on the job.

Change is not always bad.  Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad.  Very often we like to make less of progress to feel better about the past.  Anyway, I’m done harkening.  I’m getting thirsty so I‘m going to go outside and drink some water out of the hose like when I was a kid.

darnfunnyonline.com

Today we have some helpful hints for bachelors from a couple of men that represent a group called, Darn near, Undeniably, Mostly a Bachelor (Hereafter, referred to by its acronym, DUMB.)  They are going to answer some questions that our readers have sent in because they know that when they want answers about anything, then darnfunnyonline is the place to go…Really it is.

We’ll be referring to these bachelors as #1 and #2 because, basically, when you are in a group like DUMB it’s not something you want to publicize. Here is the first question:

Steve:  #1, speaking as a DUMB man, what makes being a bachelor appealing to you?

#1:  I think it’s just the simple things in life like being able to stare at a wall and not have your mate ask you what you are thinking about.

#2:   Another nice thing is not having anyone see you getting dressed and telling you to wear something different.

Steve:  You know #2, seeing as you are dressed in oddly colored plaid pants and a brightly colored striped shirt, you could do worse than getting a little advice.

#2:  You are part female aren’t you?

Steve:  No, I’m simply trying to look at things from both side and in doing so, being the devil’s advocate.

#2:  Aha!  He is a woman!

Steve:  Okay, moving on.  Our next question is, as a DUMB representative, in terms of decorating your homes, how do you do that without the advice of a woman?

#1:  First of all, once we put a piece of furniture in a spot, that’s where it stays.  There is no, “Let’s try it over here,” or “Let’s try moving it six inches to the right.”  Once it’s on the floor, that’s where it stays.

Steve:  What if you happened to have dropped it?

#2:  It doesn’t matter.  That’s where fate intended that furniture piece to be.

Steve:  That’s a little rigid in your thinking, isn’t it?

#1:  Not really.  Plus it gives us a lot more time to stare at the walls and not be asked what we are thinking.

Steve:  Any other DUMB decorating tips?

#2:   Yes, when we move into a new place we just go ahead and go out and buy some mold and get a head start on things.  That way if we put the mold there ourselves we don’t feel quite so bad about not having a woman around to clean it up.

Steve:  That is not only stupid, it is sexist too.

#2:  I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s why you’ll never be a DUMB man.

Steve:  That is something to be thankful for…Our next question is, as a confirmed bachelor, do you feel you tend to take better or worse care of your car than if you had a spouse?

#1:  I don’t know that there is much of a difference in caring for the car, because that is traditionally the province of the man anyway.  I think where the difference lies is in the driving of the car.  First of all, we are generally on time to things because we don’t have to wait for a woman.  Secondly, we are also not so tense while we drive because we don’t have anybody telling us to, “Speed up,” “Slow down,” “Don’t follow so close.”  Those kinds of things.

Steve:  But isn’t it true that insurance companies give lower rate to married men than they do to single men?  That would indicate that married men are actually better drivers.

#2:  Steve, the problem I’m seeing with this interview is you are just not thinking like a DUMB man.

Steve:  That’s true, I should probably end off and just let you guys go stare at a wall.

darnfunnyonline.com

(This is actually the first chapter of my award winning book…no need to ask what award… that I sell on my web site.   If you like this then buy the entire book.  If, on the other hand you think this sucks, then still go ahead and purchase the book anyway, because I was just kidding when I said this is the first chapter.  The book is actually totally different than this…[wink, wink])

One of the top priorities in trying to romance a woman is to make her think that you are actually listening to her.  Even more important than that is to make her think you actually care what she is saying.  If a man is able to master these skills he is well on the way to having a romantic relationship.

Make no mistake this is quite a talent.  And you have to understand she will not be talking about anything that interests you, such as sports, or your work, or the big fart that some guy left in the middle of a meeting today that just cracked up all the men.  Amazingly, the woman at the meeting were not nearly as amused, go figure.  It won’t be interesting stuff like that at all.

She’ll want to talk about stuff like how her feelings got hurt when her girlfriend made a comment about her dress.  Or she’ll want to discuss how the bills are going to get paid this month or about a bill collector who keeps calling and she can’t take it anymore.  You know, all the meaningless crap that women get worked up over.

One of the first abilities you will have to hone is to not let your eyes go glassy when she is talking to you about something like how her best friend seemed really cranky today. (Special note:  When a comment like that comes up it is best to not mention that you think the friend was PMSing.  You can say that about her enemies but not her friends.  And PLEASE, never, ever say it about her.  At least not if you ever hope to have sex again, which is really why a man wants to be romantic in the first place.)

To practice that skill it’s a good idea to drill looking at a still object and smile while thinking of something interesting like how much fun it would be to get really good seats for the Super Bowl, especially if someone gave them to you for free.  After you’ve mastered that try it with a dog or cat.  Dog’s are good, especially for this drill, because if you are just looking at them and smiling they’ll tilt their head and wonder what the hell you are doing, very much like a spouse will do with you if you screw up on this ability. It teaches you to persist.  Cats, on the other hand, will probably walk away when you look at them and smile if they feel there is nothing in it for them.  Not unlike you would like to do when your spouse is talking to you.  So, on second thought, don’t do that drill with a cat.

Now that we’ve briefly covered the fake listening part (don’t worry, there’s more, we’ll be going over that theme throughout this informative and educational book) we need to address how to genuinely do the fake caring part.  This can be more complex.

One simple technique to apply here is the periodic nodding of your head.  While it can be effective, because it allows you to drift off into anything you want, it has the disadvantage of making them think you want to hear more.  I can hear the groans.  Sorry guys.

Another method you can use is to daydream about having sex.  I’m not even going to get into if it is with her or not, too dangerous of territory there.  In this way you will look really interested in whatever she has to say.  One thing you have to remember is you do need to occasionally hear something she says, otherwise you could be screwed.  No, not in a good way you morons.  You’re not even listening to what I’m saying now!  How can I teach you how to ignore the woman you love and still score sex (i.e. romancing her) if you don’t listen to me?

Okay, sorry I lost my cool there for a minute.  What I was saying there about hearing something she says just involve tidbits, so that you can occasionally repeat them back to her.  Here is an example of the correct way:

Her: She wore the exact same outfit I wore to work today.  Except I’m sure hers was just a cheap knock-off.

You:  Wow, exact same out-fit.  (Then continue daydreaming.)

Wrong example:

Her: She wore the exact same outfit I wore to work today.  Except I’m sure hers was just a cheap knock-off.

You: Right, You’re a cheap knock-off.

Then when you wake up a few minutes later you pick yourself up off the floor and gently rub the lump on your head.

So, you definitely need to pay attention to these valuable lessons.

darnfunnyonline.com

This week I had some computer troubles.  Being a man, I was, of course, confident that I could fix it myself.  So, as I’m sure you can guess, I went to my tool box and got my most trustworthy tool, duct tape, and decided to get started.

As you might be guessing by now, duct tape is actually the only tool in my tool box.  Truthfully , it’s not so much a tool box as it is a drawer…in the kitchen, that has a lot of other important fix up stuff such as scotch tape, (I’m seeing a trend here that sticky stuff is important in repairing things) thumb tacks and matches.  The matches are kind of a last resort, if you can’t fix it you can at least have fun melting it down.

My computer had a virus.  It was kind of disgusting as it was sneezing, coughing up phlegm and there was about a box of used Kleenexes all around the floor of my desk.  Still, I was not to be deterred.  First, I exhausted all of the geek type methods of fixing a computer, i.e. looking at the screen while moving the mouse around deftly with a hard, determined look on my face like I really know what I’m doing , just in case anybody was watching me.  It’s true, I have people come from miles around just to watch me work on my computer.  There is a grandstand set up in my office just for that purpose.

After my forehead started hurting from faking that determined look so well and I had used up the extensive methods I knew of by using the mouse (exactly one) I decided to resort to my mechanical skills.  That’s right, it was time to open up the computer and stare at the insides, again, like I knew what I was doing.  This was a talent I had developed long ago when I would “fix” my car.

Naturally, fixing a car is a lot different than a computer because it’s bigger and there are a lot more things to stare at in a knowing fashion.  As I started opening the computer up some dramatic background music started to play and was getting louder…bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa, bompa.  Even I felt the drama and I KNEW I had less than a one percent chance of fixing anything.  I looked around and thought instinctively, “Where the heck is that coming from?”

At first I figured it was one of my fans in the grandstand seats, but strangely, they were empty.  I went back to work.  The music got louder and louder.  My adrenaline was pumping.  Finally, it became too much.  I got off the floor.  My computer got a reprieve from my skillful hands.  I went into the other room and discovered that someone was watching an episode of Glee and they were doing a dramatic song.  I was comforted in knowing that, even if I was unable to fix the computer, I was able to, at least, solve that mystery.

Now back at the computer, I was on this case once again.  I had her opened, wide open.  I did my stare.  Strangely, I felt like nothing had been repaired.  This called for drastic measures.  I decided to loosen some screws.  By the time I had the third one off I came to the conclusion that, “I had no freaking idea what I was going to do so put the screws back in before it’s too late.”

I had already gone through all the swear words that I knew, multiple times, so there was only one thing left to do…call someone who really knew what they were doing.  Fortunately, that method worked and before long my computer was disease free and working normally again.

As I leaned against the wall, I proudly realized that I had a lot to do with it getting fixed.  I did make the call to the competent person, after all.  I confidently looked at my curled up fingers, blew on my nails and wiped them off on my shirt.  I felt I should put my signature on this job like a painter does with his art work, even if I only did it symbolically.  So, I tore off a little piece of duct tape and pasted it onto the corner of the computer.  Job completed!

darnfunnyonline.com

Now that the original 627 Republican candidates for President are starting to get whittled down as all of their transgression and insanities come to light, the sad part is that we are soon going to be hearing much, much more from President Obama.  While that may be a boon to the teleprompter and manure businesses, for the rest of us it will be more than a minor nuisance.  I think I want to vote for Ross Perot.

Obama had just returned from what he has done most often over the last three years, no I’m not talking about campaigning and fund raising, although, truly as President that’s what he does do best, he just returned from vacation.  His timing was perfect as Congress was out of session so he could push through an appointment that he knew would not happen with Congress in session.  Who needs those pesky little things such as…what is that called again?…Oh, yeah, congressional approval.

So that you don’t just think I’m being a smart ass when I said he’s best at campaigning and fund raising let’s talk  about a presidential type action that he is good at.  Now, I am, of course talking about blaming the Bush administration for everything that is wrong with the world.  Even three years later it is Bush’s fault that the economy is so bad and that there are a lack of jobs.  Apparently, Dick Cheney waterboarded too many CEOs and made them agree to not hire people if they weren’t needed.  I guess he never got to the government guys that hire though because they give out jobs whether there’s something to do or not.  I feel so comforted knowing that our government is too big to fail.

The world economy is doing even slightly worse than our own.  For example, Greece may have to sell the copyright to being the creators of anal sex just so they can keep their economy afloat for another week.  The Germans have  a book out called “If it Moves Yell at It, if That Doesn’t Work Start a War With It,” and the French have one called “Ignore It and It Will Go Away, Just Don’t Smell My Armpits,” as a means of making money for their governments.

Since Obama’s approval ratings are so low I’m expecting as we get closer to the election that Osama bin Laden will likely come back to life due to some pact he had with the devil and the Bush Administration.  This time Obama will really kill him…just in time to, coincidentally, influence the voters.  Then since the bin Laden threat is now truly over we can cut back the military and give their jobs to welfare recipients who will still do no work…oh, and by the way to them, don’t forget when you go to the polls, it was Obama who got you that job.

Obama is also thinking of creating a Presidential super committee (since it worked so well for Congress) made up of past dead Presidents.  Ultimately, he won’t allow it though because he would be afraid they would make better decisions than he would.

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