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Last week’s article about useless crap was so popular I felt I had to give my readers what they are looking for… more useless crap.  If useless crap is what you want then I will be the King of Useless Crap, for you, my beloved readers.

Let’s get right into it.  Our first useless crap product for this week from the airplane catalog turns out to be more of a pissing product than a crap product.  It’s the Indoor Dog Restroom.  That’s right, it’s a pad that soaks up dog urine so the dog can go in the house rather than outside.  The real trouble starts when you forget to ask your dog if he has to do #1 or #2…. Then it suddenly may become a useful crap item, if you get my meaning.  Mmmhhhh, it that doesn’t stimulate your sense of smell nothing will.  All for only $149.95!

Our next product held in “high” esteem due to its stupidity and uselessness is a chair that can be made so big that when you sit in it you look like a miniature little person like you were shrunken in a Disney movie.  Its purpose is to elevate you at sporting events so you are sure to see all the action.  That is until all the people behind get into a mob mentality and flip your chair over with you in it so that they too can see the action.  That wonderful product allows to get the crap (might it be useless crap?) beaten out of you for only $149.95.

Following that we have the “Healthiest Deep Fryer.”  I’m pretty sure what makes it the healthiest is that it has a price tag of $299.95 allowing the makers to say whatever they want.   Maybe this was made for people in the south that deep fry everything that moves, but from where I stand deep frying is still deep frying  so even the healthiest one is still killing you.

Next we have “The Peaceful Progression Wake up Clock”.  It is so peaceful they don’t even call it an “alarm” clock because that, I’m sure, would be too alarming for the morons that would shell out $99.95 for this clock.  It starts 30 minutes before wake-up by spewing various aromatherapy scents.  Then 15 minutes before wake-up it generates soft nature sounds.  At wake-up time it emits a soft buzzer sound.  By this time you are so relaxed you want to go back to sleep.  Just at that time your wife comes in and yells “Wake-up asshole and go to work.  Your stupid clock is driving me nuts.”  So, actually, one way or another it does actually work.  But still I gotta file it under useless crap.

Lastly, for today, is the “Ultrasonic Barking Dog Deterrent.”  It makes an unpleasant sound when the dog barks that only he can hear and makes him stop barking.  It can be very confusing to the dog because when he hears it in the backyard he asks the cat, “What was that sound?”  The cat, enjoying the fact that he can piss the dog off, replies, “What are you talking about?  I didn’t hear anything.  You’re crazy.”  This kind of thing has driven many dogs to see the pet psychologist.  Anyway, this device is cleverly disguised as a bird house.  So every time a bird tries to walk into the house he tends to knock himself out, again, pleasing the cat to no end.  Actually, this may have been invented by a cat. Also a big winner in this scenario is the burglar who climbs over the fence and the dog won’t bark because this useless crap device has taught him not to.  If you are still interested in this thing it goes for $69.95

Okay, I had a lot of fun bringing you this useless crap but I don’t want to overdo a good thing so if you want to find any more useless crap items you’ll have to pick up your own catalog the next time you are on a plane.

darnfunnyonline.com

I had a great urge to write about useless crap again.  I made a recent post about useless crap to think about and while I was then thinking about useless crap when I was on a plane I came across a whole catalog of useless crap, a veritable useless crap book, one might call it, so that is the subject of today’s article.

The catalog folks apparently take pet owners for true suckers of the universe because there are a plethora of pet products in the catalog that truly do fall under the category of useless crap.  In fact, that name might even be a compliment for some of these products.

The first one is a ceramic pet water fountain.  Apparently just your regular water dish is no longer good enough for a dog or cat.  According to this catalog it is important to shell out $80 for this ceramic piece of… you guessed it – useless crap, that essentially attempts to take your pet away from his favorite watering hole, the toilet.  No dog worth his salt will drink out of a sissy water fountain if there is a toilet nearby.  And the funny thing is, or sad depending how you look at it, the toilet doesn’t even need to be flushed for the dog to enjoy it.  And cats are no different no matter how dignified and snobby they give you the impression they are.  If they can reach the water in the toilet they are drinking from it.

It is amazing what they can come up with for sales copy for this product.  “The falling stream of water attracts the pet with the sound of the trickling water, enticing them to drink even more water.” To me that sounds like a recipe for your dog to pee on your carpet.

Next, we have a plastic step stool for smaller dogs or puppies to be able to climb onto your couch, making it easy for your dog to chew up your pillows, scratch holes in the cushions and pee on the couch.  I thought pet owners were looking for ways to keep the pets off the couch.  This is comparable to making new suggestions to Congress on how they can piss off the public even more than they already do.

As we move on, a mere $200 will get you a motorized replica of R2-D2 from Star Wars fame.  As the sales copy states, “it’s sad sounds mimic the original right on down to its occasional bad mood.”  Just what you are looking when you come home from a day of work, especially when your wife and daughter are already simultaneously experiencing PMS.

Lastly, for today, we have video recording sunglasses.  Again, a paltry $200 gets you these sunglasses that allow you to discreetly video tape all that you see.  That is something that will come in handy if you are a spy, which naturally, many people traveling on planes are these days, or if you are walking on a nude beach where taping with a regular recorder may be frowned upon.  Otherwise, not so useful.

That only touches the surface of the useless crap found in the catalog I was looking at.  But if reading about any of these products makes you want to run out and buy a plane ticket to anywhere so you can get a catalog I want a commission.

darnfunnyonline.com

A recent study showed that some men had a “disorder” that caused them to make sexual passes, while asleep, to their spouse.  The disorder is called sexsomnia.  To that I say puhleeeeease!   They don’t have  a “disorder”, they have a condition which is called being a man.

Just because some guys feel they have to be creative and pretend they are asleep to make a pass at their wives is no reason for shrinks to say there is something wrong with them.  If they want call it a disease, though, a more appropriate name would be “lack of gettin’ it disorder”. Or if you want to make up a new name you could call it “hornyitis”, which would, of course, be an inflammation of their horniness.

Wanting to have sex is one of the few things that women can accurately predict about men.  So don’t take that away from the poor women who have put up with us men for so long.  And let me speak for all men when I say we are happy to oblige on that point.

I recently read a list of gripes that women had about men.  Among the complaints were:

• that men are not understanding enough
• that men were not sensitive to feelings and needs
• that men are not affectionate enough
• that men don’t communicate enough
• that men don’t express their feelings and thoughts
• and that they don’t pay enough attention to their partners.

In the defense of men let me take up each of these points one at a time.  And really, the facts of our defense are all in the first three paragraphs of this article.  But for purposes of clarity let me break them down.

To say that men are not understanding is clearly a misnomer.  We understand that women have needs for sex too and we don’t want you to have to ask so we are understanding enough to take that burden off of the women.

Next, that men are not sensitive to feelings and needs.  I think that was covered thoroughly already in the last paragraph.

Saying that men are not affectionate enough is obviously wrong.  Let’s just take a look in the Webster’s “Man” dictionary…ah yes, there it is, the definition of affection for men is sex.  (Wow, this is easier than I thought it would be.)

Now saying that men don’t communicate enough is not at all fair.  It’s just that we often prefer to have that physical communication line.  Touch is truly a powerful way to communicate.

To say that men don’t express their feeling and thoughts is simply ridiculous.  For god sake, women, we are telling you we want sex.  How much more expressive about our thoughts and feelings could we be?  The problem all along is that you thought we were deep.  We’re not.  We’re very shallow, actually.

And the last one, that we don’t pay enough attention to our partners.  If we are having sex with you I believe we are paying attention to you (even if sometimes when they are doing it some men are thinking about someone else.  It’s merely a technicality.)

So there you have it.  And as I proof read this article one thing has become very clear to me.  Comedian, Tim Allen, was right all along when he said “men are pigs”.  And you could probably accurately say we have a lot of disorders, but at least we have them with a smile on our faces.

darnfunnyonline.com

(I am still traveling so here is another repeat, an essay that was posted last fall.)

My nutritionist informed me the other day that I have parasites in my body.  If you are getting the image of a bunch of deadbeats lining up at a welfare pay window inside my body you are probably wrong.  I hope.

She referred to me as the “host” of these parasites.  See, now, this is the very reason I never liked throwing parties.  There is such a mess to clean up afterward.  Actually, she explained it more like my body is comparable to the typical American public (I would have preferred being called more like the Brad Pitt type, without the herd of children though, but, oh well).  The parasites are kind of like the government, with taxes, healthcare with a public option, etc.  The more of these parasites there are the less healthy you will be.  It suddenly became clear.  To clarify, I asked, “So if the head parasite tries to stimulate everything, all he is stimulating is more parasitic growth?”  “Exactly,” she confirmed.  Now I understood.

I’m pretty sure there are parasites with different personalities too, just like people.  For example, if I’m having a bad hair day, then I know the Donald Trump type parasites are really being active.  On a day where I’m feeling old and creaky in the bones my Larry King parasites are acting up.  Yesterday I had people at my door asking for a donation and my Ben Bernake type parasites where waking up and I almost gave everything away.  Luckily I had enough Jack Benny parasites in me to overcome that urge.

This morning, while getting dressed, I could only get my pants half way up my ass and I couldn’t figure out what was going on.  Finally, I realized I had inadvertently activated some male teenage parasites.  This was confirmed when my car keys were missing.

Last night as I was falling asleep and in that in-between stage of sleep and awake I swear I heard a conversation going on.  It started with some guy with a Mexican accent.  “Hey, man, you really stink.”

A guy with a heavy New York accent answered.  “Yeah, I don’t know what happened it was like I got trapped in a sewer or something.”

The Mexican guy said, “No, dumb ass, you were in the colon.  You gotta stay up here in the stomach where it‘s safe and all the good food is.  You get much lower than the colon and you are outta here, man.”

The New York guy said, “Yeah, I was feelin’ kinda flushed down there.”   Badumbump (sound effects added by me.)  Hey, who said parasites can’t have a sense of humor.

Then I heard a conversation between two fat guys.  I didn’t really get all that was said but it was something about going to McDonalds followed by a trip to Dunkin Donuts.  Apparently about two-thirds of these guys are fat, so it’s just like America, really.

Then I heard another guy trying to get a woman into bed.  It was either a French guy, Bill Clinton or John Edwards, I couldn’t tell which.

Anyway, the nutritionist told me there is a solution to all these voices in my head.  So, fortunately, I’ll be able to go back to just having the ringing in my ears.  She sold me some herbal formula, which, when I started taking it I swear I heard a voice with a Clint Eastwood type sound saying, ”Make my day.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Wouldn’t it be cool if when someone was really mad and yelling and swearing at you that the sounds that actually came out of his mouth were the sounds of the symbols used like when you write somebody swearing, for example, “You rotten &^!7#^%#&*!@.”

You’d both hear that stuff come out when he was actually intending some really nasty stuff and you’d both look at each other and say “What!?” (Note: the exclamation point and question mark would not be sounded out in this case.)  You’d both start laughing and walk away friends again.

It kind of works that way with kids sometimes:

1st Kid:  You stupid do-do brain.

2^nd Kid:  Yeah, well  you’re balongo head.

1^st Kid: You’re a kalogtangoagado face.

2^nd Kid:  You’re a boo-boo head.

Then they are overtaken by uncontrollable laughter for no logical reason and they run off and play again, only to repeat the process a few more times in the day.

Maybe adults should just fight like kids do, or better yet, if heads of state would argue like that we could end up with world peace.  Let’s use our imaginations and think of what Hillary Clinton and the dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, would argue like if they did it like kids:

Hillary:  You need to get rid of your stupid-head nuclear weapons.

Kim Jong-il:  Nuh-Uh!

Hillary:  Yuh-huh!

Kim Jong-il:  I can do what I want.

Hillary: Yeah, well you have weird hair.

Kim Jong-il:  Well, you’re a BITCH!  (Oops!  Sorry, I lost track of things there, that’s actually what Bill Clinton would have said to Hillary.  I’ll give Kim another shot at it.)

Kim Jong-il:  Well you wear weird pants suits all the time.

To that, Hillary’s lower lip would start to quiver and after a short pause she would get up and run to the door.  Just before she ran out she would turn and yell at him:

Hillary:  Yeah, well why are all the people in your stupid country named Kim?  Can’t you think of any other names?

Then she’d run out into the hall and bumps into the principal of the United Nations, who would take them both into his office and they work things out.  They would stick their tongues out at each other as they’d leave the office but at least they weren’t fighting anymore.

Okay, that one probably didn’t end up like you thought it would (it didn’t for me either) but nobody got blown up.

So, let’s give this fighting like kids one more go, with President Obama and Vladimir Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia, going at it like kids would:

Obama:  Why do act so weird all the time?

Putin:  I don’t, you do, you stupid bogo head.

Obama:  No, you do!

Putin:  No, You do!

Obama:  Wait a minute.  Why are we fighting?  I admire you and your country so much.  I wish my country was more like yours.

Putin:  Hey, thanks dude.  You keep working on it, you’re headed there.

They put their arms around each other and as they are walking off together Putin has another question:

Putin:  Why do people in your country accuse you of being a communist like it’s a bad thing?

Obama:  I KNOW, huh?

They laugh about it together and then run off and play in a pile of other people’s money.

If you’ve followed Obama’s presidency at all that one didn’t surprise you a bit…Yuh-huh!

darnfunnyonline.com

Having just visited some family in Pennsylvania I was recently on a plane so I thought it was appropriate to make some observations about the things you see on airplanes.  Don’t automatically assume that I am going to attack the pilots since they seem to be garnering a reputation for drinking on the job.  That is an unfair generalization and just because my pilot did look tire and had bloodshot eyes does not mean he was drinking while flying…it could have just as easily been drugs.

One thing that you often see on an airplane is a mother breast feeding her baby.  I have no idea why some people are offended by this beautiful and natural act.  It is also a very effective method for quickly quieting the baby down.  On a plane a crying baby can be very annoying to many.  Personally, I have nothing but admiration for the baby who can cry and immediately get a breast stuffed in his face.  There are many men who would love to bring that strategy to the table.  In fact, many women are often wanting their men to open up more and see their feminine side.  I think if they were rewarded with a breast in their face every time they cried you would see so much of a feminine side in men some of them may start to grow female parts.  But that would defeat the purpose so forget that last part.  But seriously, I do think I feel a tear forming in my eye right now.

Another thing that invariably happens on airplanes is the pilot announcing some landmark, such as the Grand Canyon, on one side of the plane or the other.  This can be a great opportunity to steal food from the person sitting next to you as they crane their neck looking out the window.  Of course, then you have to risk the guy on the other side of you ratting you out… not that anything like that ever happened to me, I’m just saying it’s something that could happen.  What really ticks me off is I would have shared the food with him, but no, he had to tell the guy…it didn’t actually happen, just theoretical, but it could have.

It always amazes me how people on a plane will talk on their cell phones as long as they can until they have to turn them off.  Then as soon as they are allowed to turn them on again they do it with the gusto of a person getting a drink of water when being on the brink of dying of thirst.  Yet, through the whole flight they will never have talked to the person next to them.  (As I write this I realize it’s not particularly funny, but something I happened to observe, sorry, I’ll try harder to make them funny observations.)

Then there is always the guy who tries to stuff an over sized bag into the overhead compartment.   On this trip it was in the middle of the flight, which brought a visit from the flight attendant.  It turned out that he was trying to stuff the kid that was sitting behind him and kicking the back of his seat up there.  Sadly, it was not allowed.

At the end of all flights the flight attendants give you the compulsory “bye-bye” as you leave.  On this trip it just so happened that the flight attendant had big breasts (or so someone pointed out…I hadn’t noticed before that) and coincidentally there was a mother who had been breast feeding on the plane getting off just in front of me.  Frankly, the thought of that beautiful act brought a tear to my eye.  Unfortunately, the attendant was looking at the baby and didn’t notice the sincerity of my tear (which I got by adroitly plucking a hair out of my nose while no one was looking.)  I hate it when sincerity like that gets wasted.

darnfunnyonline.com

(This was the first article I published back in September when I started darnfunnyonline.  Since I was on vacation this week I am republishing it now.)

You’re getting anxious. You start to sweat. It something you know is inevitable and need to confront but, still, you try to avoid it.  It’s dangerous, life threatening even, but the time is now.  “Bonsai,” you scream!

That’s right it’s time to teach your teenager to drive.  In my case it was even worse, a teenage girl.

Oh sure, people will say, “She’s gotta learn sometime.”  My question to that statement is, “WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN MY CAR?”

It seems there should be some learning car that beginning drivers could drive.  And, better yet, have it be off in some alternate universe where no one can get hurt, no cars get banged up, and most of all, my nerves don’t get frazzled.

I can hear all the “know-bests” saying, “You have nothing to fear, but fear itself.”  Strangely, death, mutilation, and, worst of all, dented fenders come to mind.

A big fear of any parent teaching their teenager to drive is, “What if they never really learn?”  It is a legitimate concern, after all, someone once taught Donald Trump how to use a comb and look how that turned out.

Next, I tried to teach her to pump gas to which she responded, “Why do I need to learn to do this?  I don’t have money to pay for gas anyway.”  My quick retort was to look into my wallet and start sobbing.

For me, personally, I never worried about all the dirty looks from other drivers, or the beeping horns when my daughter waited to pull out because she could see smog in the air so she knew there had to be a car coming toward her soon, or even the road rage induced frustrations her driving caused.  Actually gunfire may have been a welcome diversion to the constant reminder of how my insurance rates were going to skyrocket when she gets her license.

As we got close to the time she was just about ready for her driver’s test (euphemism for me no longer freaking out when she nearly hits something) we had to address the parallel parking issue.  Why this is so difficult I don’t know.  But from what I’ve seen for myself and from talking to other parents you’d think parallel parking was harder than trying to stop a horny dog from humping your leg when you are wearing a new suit.  Anyway, after we got through that debacle she took her test and passed, proving, once again, that the level of testing in all levels of learning, not just public schools, is constantly being lowered to meet the level of the student.

I haven’t written too much about Congress recently.  I guess it’s because they haven’t done anything colossally idiotic lately, it is just their routine idiotic.  If that is too harsh a term for some of you maybe we could try moronic, imbecilic or just plain stupid.  Any of those would serve quite well actually, so go ahead and take your pick.

I guess it’s really hard to top Obamacare for really bad ideas so in comparison to that nobody is really getting too excited recently. But with election season already getting started it is an exciting time for someone who writes humor, not unlike a kid on his first trip to Disneyland.  To see a jackass (and I’m not just talking about the democrats now, although they couldn’t have a more fitting symbol) fall on his face, as many politicians do when they are trying to impress the masses, is truly a fun thing.

It’s nice to see that Congress is currently addressing corruption, although if they were really going to get to the heart of the matter they wouldn’t need to look any further than their own halls.  It’s hard to imagine how they keep a straight face when they are drilling the executives of Goldman Sachs about their evil ways when they are probably having their assistants take notes to see if they can scrape off any good ideas that they can use for themselves.  They probably all go out to dinner afterward and have a good laugh and then charge it to the government.

I live in Nevada where Harry Reid keeps campaigning based on all the jobs he created for the state. Unfortunately, most of any jobs that have been truly created are more government jobs to enforce all the idiotic (there’s that word again, you can fill in any of the substitutes that you want to use again) rules they keep making.  Of course, that just costs the taxpayer more money.  But, bingo!  More jobs created because the fed has to hire more guys to run the printing press to print more money. What a system!

I can just hear Obama speaking to all the democrats in Congress to get them excited about the upcoming elections and trying to inspire them to victories:

Obama:  Ask not what your country can do for you… oh wait…that was Kennedy.  Who should I be today…Let’s see, well, the Republicans say I’m a Nazi so I definitely don’t want to be like Hitler and make them appear to be right.  Gee, I’m kind of stuck, there’s no one here I have to impress to get to vote for me, so for the first time in my life I’m at a loss for words…

Harry Reid: (interrupting) Uh, Sir, I detected very slightly that you were slipping into a Negro dialect.  Remember, I said you didn’t have a Negro dialect and that’s what made you electable.

Obama:  Elections, elections?  Thank you, Harry.  You brought me brought me back to reality.  My thoughts are all coming into my head again with a violent rush.  I feel like I could talk for days.  My ability to be a plastic politician has fully returned.

Nancy Pelosi: (interrupting) Sir, before you continue should I kiss your ring, or your foot… or your…

Obama:  No, thank you Nancy, not now anyway.  You can do your requisite sucking up later on.  (Then he continues on blah, blah, blah and everyone is all impressed even though he doesn’t care that he never intends to do anything he is telling them.)

And, so, the beat goes on in Washington and they will continue to do the idiotic (or whatever word you want to substitute) stuff they always do.  Unless we get real smart and throw a big tea party on election day.  Maybe we can trick the current congressman into joining us.  “Ooh, a party!”

darnfunnyonline.com

Today we have our guest advice columnist back for another visit, the infamous (after her last column), Dear Crabby.

We’ll get right into her candid, yet not always the most helpful, answers to your questions:

Dear Crabby,

I am a woman in my mid twenties and although I don’t consider myself bad looking I am considering plastic surgery, kind of like my idol Heidi Montag has done.  What do you think of that idea?

Not Really Homely

Los Angeles, CA

Dear Not Really Homely,

My first inclination is to ask you if you are a moron but your question has clearly established that you are so there is no need ask that.  In answer to your question, “What do I think of that idea?” I think it is a wonderful idea if you look like Earnest Borgnine and you don’t mind having one breast hang down to your belly button while the other one naturally goes up to your shoulder.  It’s like having a bad hair day turn into a bad breast day, except that it is permanent.  Otherwise, not the best idea.

And while on this subject, let me suggest you get a new set of values, or more clearly, get your first set since you have decided to idolize Heidi Montag.  If you can’t acquire a set of values naturally, try Wal-Mart, they sometimes have sales.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My  new husband plays World of Warcraft all the time and rarely pays attention to me.  He has a birthday coming up and wants me to buy him apps that add to his playing this computer game.  I don’t want to encourage him.  What should I do?

World of Warcraft Widow

Chicago

Dear World of Warcraft Widow,

The only app I would buy for him is a gun and encourage him to shoot himself if he has a bad day playing the game.  Also, don’t forget to make sure he has a lot of life insurance.

Crabby

Dear Crabby,

My boyfriend lives with me and he likes to walk around the house naked.  I sometime bring my friends over and this can get very embarrassing.  He just thinks it’s funny.

Sick of Dick (That actually is his name)

Phoenix, AZ

Dear Sick of Dick,

I can certainly understand your dilemma and I would consider kicking him out.  In fact, why don’t you send this naked guy over to my house and I’ll give him a piece of my mind..or something.   Oh get over yourself!  I may be getting old but I am a woman with needs …so, seriously…send him over.

Crabby (and hoping to meet Dick)

Dear Crabby,

I’ve been married just over a year and in that time my husband has changed completely and also gained 100lbs.  I’m not sure what to do.  Help!

Weighed Down

Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Weighed Down,

Well, finally something I can sink my teeth into.  And let’s be clear, I’m talking about the question, not your fat husband’s ass (that’s something I’ll be saving for the naked guy from the last question.)  I see that you are from Iowa and that is the home to a lot of pig farms.  I suggest you tell him to change his ways or you’ll take him to one of those slaughter houses there where I’m sure his fat ass will fetch a pretty penny.  And, again, to be clear, sending this guy over to my place is not an option as I gave the lady from the previous question.  (I’m saving myself for Dick.)

Crabby

(Note from the editor:  That’s all the time we have for questions and I hope that none of the people writing in were offended by Dear Crabby’s answers.  If you thought she was bad you should hear the advice her sister, Miss Ill-Manners, gives out.)

darnfunnyonline.com

My wife had to go into the hospital this last week.  Having been a fan of “Grey’s Anatomy” I couldn’t help wondering which nurses and doctors were sleeping together.  And where is that “on call” room where all this medical sex is taking place?

Oddly enough, the nurses and doctors weren’t all a bunch of hotties having sex like rabbits in heat.  Actually, they looked like the average person on the street.  Also, no recoveries from any illnesses took place within a one hour time period.  In fact, my wife’s operation took more than an hour all by itself and that didn’t account for any residents fighting over who would get to operate on her or any of those other “Grey’s” dramatics.  I couldn’t understand it.  The programs seems so real.

When you check into this $15-20,000 a night hotel they don’t tell you that all the nurses were trained at “stick’em-prod ‘em-poke’em-and needle ‘em R-US”.  And they particularly like to do their duties just as the patients fall asleep.  I’m pretty sure they have sensors to alert the nurses so that they can wake you as soon as you fall asleep, because if you get well they can no longer charge you that $15-20,000 rate.

Interestingly enough, when they give you a menu  for your meals with 2 choices they don’t have a price.  That’s because the jello alone is $500 and they don’t let you “brown bag it” to save money.  Besides that, if you brought your own food it might have some actual flavor to it.  They want you to think that it is because you are sick that that the food has no flavor.

Of course, that’s for the one’s who are lucky enough to get food.  Some people get their food in a bag, as in IV bag.  You kinda have to imagine that steak is dripping into your veins but it loses something in the translation.  I did make a point of telling the nurse not to expect a 20% tip for the meal in a bag that she delivered to my wife, which I’m sure had to cost $1,000.

It’s not that I’m complaining that the hospital was expensive but I think the deductible on our insurance was used up when we called the hospital to tell them we were arriving.

When you check into the hospital you have to fill out many, many, many forms, some of which even have to do with medical history (did I mention there were some forms to fill out.).  It really doesn’t matter what you say on these form, apparently, because throughout your stay you’ll be asked these same questions about 5,000 times per day anyway.

While there are signs on the walls telling you to ask questions, don’t ever expect any answers.  To be fair, they don’t tell you they are going to answer, just that you should ask.  There is also a parade of doctors that will come into your room, most of which you have no idea who they are and it is likely you will never see them again.  But if they walk into your room they get to charge a fee so that seems fair enough.

I made the mistake of asking my wife’s doctor, Dr. SliceNdice, a question.  (Disclaimer: I’m sure many doctors are not like this.  This was just my experience.)  After my first question there was a strange silence, which was followed by a steam being from the ears and his face turned the color of a beet.  He finally replied, ”I am God, Lord over all.  You will do as I say or you will be drawn and quartered with some of the most modern medical equipment known to science.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

I told him I did, but when he walked away I got him back by making a “face” and stuck out my tongue at him.  Nobody messes with me!

While the resulting operation was a success and I’m thankful the hospital was there I think I prefer my medical experiences to come from episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy”.  And, by the way, I’m still looking for that “on call” room.

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