I mean, come on, most of those guys were lawyers, so it’s their training to lie.  It’s just what they do.  And then they wanted to become politicians on top of being lawyers.  It’s like taking the scum that is on top of the scum in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the pond that has accumulated scum and that is what the politicians are comparable to.  Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing…providing you are already a very low form of disease causing bacteria.

If Roger Clemens could have a private conversation with some members of Congress this is what I would expect it to be like:

Roger:  Let’s just assume I was lying, which I wasn’t, you guys lie to each other and the public all the time.  Why is okay for you guys?

Congressman #1:  When you believe your lies it is a whole different game. It makes it okay.  If you are really good at something you should do it.  Painters paint, singers sing and liars lie.

Roger:  That’s not fair.

Congressman #1:  Fair?  What does that have to do with anything?  This is politics and government.

Harry Reid:  I noticed you often appeared angry and intense when you were pitching.  Was that the result of steroids?

Roger:  I didn’t take steroids, so I wouldn’t know.

Harry Reid:  Darn it.  I was hoping it was true.  Heck, I would take them too if it was, even a bad personality is better than none like I have.

Nancy Pelosi:  Do you think steroid usage could be an effective replacement for Botox?  Not that I would have any interest in that.

Roger:  Now you’re lying, aren’t you?

Nancy Pelosi:  I don’t know what you mean?  Telling you that I’m lying goes against my Hippocratic oath…oh wait, that is the oath that doctors don’t keep.  (She turns to a fellow congressperson)  What oath do we take?

Fellow congressperson:  The oath to lie, of course.

Nancy Pelosi:  Yes, that’s right. I remember now.  If I answered your question the way you wanted me to I would be breaking my oath…what was the question anyway?

Roger:  Never mind.  I know you use Botox.

Nancy Pelosi:  That’s not true.  The nerves in my face are just dead from me beating myself up all the time for lying to my constituents.  But if you tell anyone that I’ll deny it, as any good congressperson would.

Roger:  What about Charles Rangle?  I’m betting you guys knew he was lying for a long time yet you did nothing until someone else exposed it.

Congressman #1:  He’s one of us.  We were elected to do the job we do.

Roger:  What, lie?

Congressman#1:  I’d be lying if I said yes, so, no.

Roger:  What does that even mean?

Congressman#1:  Exactly.

darnfunnyonline.com

If that’s not extreme enough for you then maybe your child may even have presidential aspirations, after all, anything that goes wrong for President Obama is clearly President Bush’s fault.  Even if history rates Obama as the worst president ever he will be saying it’s because Bush was the worst up to that point.

If Obama was confronted by someone using the famous line by Jack Nicholson in the movie “A few Good Men” saying about his presidency, “You can’t handle the truth.”  I’m sure he would immediately break out his teleprompter and go into a beautiful soliloquy about the truth and what it meant to hope and change for this great country.  And then he would go on 42 different TV news and entertainment shows to talk about what the truth meant to us all until everyone forgot about the original accusation made to him about truth.  And by the time he was done with it truth would have a new definition just like “Hope” and “Change” does now.  Now that I think of it he may have taken lessons from Clinton.  During his impeachment proceedings sexual relations and oral sex had no interrelating definitions by the time he was done.

Now when you talk about responsibility and Congress you are really referring to two subjects that have no correlation to each other.  Here is a conversation between an interviewer and a congressman discussing responsibility:

Interviewer:  What do you think of this whole oil spill mess?

Congressman:  Well, I know one thing for sure.  I had nothing to do with it.  But rest assured Congress will get to the bottom of this.

Interviewer:  That’s an interesting statement.  What do you mean by that?

Congressman:  I mean we’ll have someone to blame.

Interviewer:  But what will that solve?

Congressman:  Nothing really, but it sure keeps the heat off of us in Congress.  I have to tell you that was a little uncomfortable for us during the Healthcare thing.

Interviewer:  But now because of what you did all of us citizens will suffer for a long time. (Editor’s note:  This interviewer obviously does not work for anyone but FOX…and proudly.)

Congressman:  (Clears his throat)  Well….I’m sure if there was any wrong doing on our part our ethics committee will look into it.  (Editor’s note again:  An ethics committee in Congress is like having a vacuum cleaner in a pig sty.)

Interviewer:  That is an interesting note.  On that, do you in Congress ever take responsibility for anything?

Congressman:  Of course we do.  Whenever we are caught doing something illegal or immoral and there’s no way out of it we admit we did it.

Interviewer:  That’s not really what someone would call taking responsibility.

Congressman:  You obviously know absolutely nothing about politics.

There you have it folks.  So, the next time your child breaks a window or something and admits even the slightest bit of responsibility for it breath a heavy sigh of relief.  He will never be a politician.

darnfunnyonline.com

I guess it’s really hard to top Obamacare for really bad ideas so in comparison to that nobody is really getting too excited recently. But with election season already getting started it is an exciting time for someone who writes humor, not unlike a kid on his first trip to Disneyland.  To see a jackass (and I’m not just talking about the democrats now, although they couldn’t have a more fitting symbol) fall on his face, as many politicians do when they are trying to impress the masses, is truly a fun thing.

It’s nice to see that Congress is currently addressing corruption, although if they were really going to get to the heart of the matter they wouldn’t need to look any further than their own halls.  It’s hard to imagine how they keep a straight face when they are drilling the executives of Goldman Sachs about their evil ways when they are probably having their assistants take notes to see if they can scrape off any good ideas that they can use for themselves.  They probably all go out to dinner afterward and have a good laugh and then charge it to the government.

I live in Nevada where Harry Reid keeps campaigning based on all the jobs he created for the state. Unfortunately, most of any jobs that have been truly created are more government jobs to enforce all the idiotic (there’s that word again, you can fill in any of the substitutes that you want to use again) rules they keep making.  Of course, that just costs the taxpayer more money.  But, bingo!  More jobs created because the fed has to hire more guys to run the printing press to print more money. What a system!

I can just hear Obama speaking to all the democrats in Congress to get them excited about the upcoming elections and trying to inspire them to victories:

Obama:  Ask not what your country can do for you… oh wait…that was Kennedy.  Who should I be today…Let’s see, well, the Republicans say I’m a Nazi so I definitely don’t want to be like Hitler and make them appear to be right.  Gee, I’m kind of stuck, there’s no one here I have to impress to get to vote for me, so for the first time in my life I’m at a loss for words…

Harry Reid: (interrupting) Uh, Sir, I detected very slightly that you were slipping into a Negro dialect.  Remember, I said you didn’t have a Negro dialect and that’s what made you electable.

Obama:  Elections, elections?  Thank you, Harry.  You brought me brought me back to reality.  My thoughts are all coming into my head again with a violent rush.  I feel like I could talk for days.  My ability to be a plastic politician has fully returned.

Nancy Pelosi: (interrupting) Sir, before you continue should I kiss your ring, or your foot… or your…

Obama:  No, thank you Nancy, not now anyway.  You can do your requisite sucking up later on.  (Then he continues on blah, blah, blah and everyone is all impressed even though he doesn’t care that he never intends to do anything he is telling them.)

And, so, the beat goes on in Washington and they will continue to do the idiotic (or whatever word you want to substitute) stuff they always do.  Unless we get real smart and throw a big tea party on election day.  Maybe we can trick the current congressman into joining us.  “Ooh, a party!”

darnfunnyonline.com

Now I really have an understanding of why people always look so bad on their driver’s license pictures after having to endure the torture chamber that is the DMV.

First, I had to wait in a line just to get in the building which meant standing in the hot Las Vegas sun.  That would account for the radiating glow on my face in the picture.  Or maybe I should, more accurately, call it a radiation glow from the sun.

What made the wait in the line even more intimidating was the fact that I saw people going into the building, since the line did move, even if at a snail’s pace, but I hardly saw anyone coming out.  It made me wonder what was happening in there.  I figured there was some kind of government conspiracy going on where they drug and hypnotize you and tell you won’t remember this.  Then they tell you taxes are good, Obamacare is good, Cap and trade is good.  Hmm…now that I think of it, I don’t remember any of that happening so maybe it was just the drugs and hypnosis working.  But, luckily, if that did happen it didn’t work well because I think those ideas are more stupid than ever…Again, hmm…very interesting.

Once you do get into the building you are herded like cattle to numerous lines and made to fill out various forms in triplicate, etc.  I’m not sure where the drugs and hypnotism came in but that just validates the theory because they tell you won’t remember.

Up until a few days before I went they were making you show your birth certificate and two forms of ID that show your residence so the federal government can better keep track of you.  Luckily that is not now being required, at least for the time being.  I asked a lady there why they stopped doing that.  She told me in a very cryptic voice, “We decided we don’t need it.  We already know how to find you.”

After my stomach stopped churning from that comment I got to sit and wait, which was only a slight improvement from standing and waiting.  Fortunately, I had the foresight to pack a lunch and bring a pillow.  They didn’t really mind that because it kept me from complaining but what they frowned upon was when I wanted to change into a fresh set of clothing after my nap.  That brought a visit from the security guards.

The ultimate insult is at the end of this entire day–killing incident is that you have to pay them to get your license and complete the torture.  That’s like changing your baby’s diapers and you know they are just going to crap in them again anyway.  Okay, not the best analogy, but the crap part rings true here.

I must say it was quite a relief to know I won’t have to go back there for another eight years, at which time I will need to get a new picture taken for my license.  That is unless they tell me to come back in 4 years because the drugs and hypnotism have worn off too soon.  Not that I remember it…hmm.

darnfunnyonline.com

Alert readers are probably thinking, “What the hell is the DEM-ZONE and why would I want to enter it.”

My answer, using the best cryptic voice I can muster, is, “Ha,ha,ha,haaaa.” (Actually that was a way of stalling while I try to come up with a good answer.) “The DEM-ZONE is the mind of the liberal democratic congressman, a dangerous and mysterious place.” (Now moving from the cryptic voice to a little bit of a wimpy voice) “Plus…I just kinda thought it would be a fun thing to do.”

I will be your guide as we go through the tour.  As we enter, there’s actually a lot of empty space in here and where there is stuff it seems to be all cluttered up.  Aha, there is our first area of substance.  The object looks to be a printing press of some kind…oh, I see, they are printing money and then the thing right next to that is a furnace with a guy throwing money right off the printing press into the furnace.  Upon closer inspection I see a plaque that says, ”Invented by Al Gore.”

My only assumption can be that Al invented this money burning device (or at least took credit for it) so that it would cause global warming,  and he could take credit for discovering that.  Plus, let’s not forget his Internet invention too.  Now, Al Gore’s mind would be too scary of a place to go into. Can you imagine some of the freaky science fiction going on in there?

Anyway, back to our tour.  The next thing I see seems to be very similar to one of the scenes at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland where a pirate is chasing one of the townswomen around and around in a circle.  Except in the DEM-ZONE it is a Democratic congressman chasing a skirt around and around in a circle.

To be fair, there are some Republicans waiting in line for that ride as well.  There seems to be some alternatives to that little ride that a few of the Republicans are going to.  For example, there is a door to a strip club and also a door to a bathroom stall.  Maybe these different party congressmen are not so different after all, unfortunately.

Next, we see a hospital.  Interestingly enough, it is surrounded by a drug factory, a casket factory and a cemetery.  Not too surprisingly there are a lot of people from those industries lined up to put money in the congressman’s back pocket.  So much for the healthcare bill.

I think I’ve had enough of this tour, but I should note as we leave the DEM-ZONE that there is a statue of Obama in there.  Funny, but someone seems to have painted a Hitler type mustache on him, either a Republican or one of the Democrats that he pissed off did it while no one was looking.  Anyway, all the democratic congressman are on their knees bowing to Obama.  Oh wait, there are two people behind the statue as well… Oh, I see,  it’s Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, they are kissing a location of the statue that I’d rather not mention.

Wow, I’m glad that’s done.  I feel a little slimy and dirty after that trip.  Kind of sick too.  But I think I’ll let that be my own secret lest someone tries to heal me up with Obamacare.  I think I’ll just settle for a nice hot bath.

darnfunnyonline.com

Nancy Pelosi said recently about the health care bill, ”We have to pass this bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”  And Obama said the other day, “I haven’t read the bill yet, but we need to pass it.”  This kind of makes you think Congress  and Obama are like the Forrest Gumps of politicians saying, “Obamacare is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna  get.”

When Nancy Pelosi became the Speaker of the House she said that this would be the most ethical Congress ever.  But associating Congress with ethics is like associating Al Gore with charisma.  There is actually an Ethics Committee in Congress and I‘m assuming they are on the lookout for anyone there being ethical.  So far they’ve found no one.

But a congressman trying to find ethics it’s pretty much like a caveman trying to discover fire.  It’s something you’ve never seen before so you really don’t know what it looks like.  It compares to Tiger Wood discovering fidelity or Lady Gaga finding normalcy.

From many of the actions that Congress takes you’d think their collective IQs would have a hard time topping summer temperatures in Alaska.  It makes you want to propose a reality show to the networks about Congress – Are You Smarter than Sandpaper?  But the fact is that many of them are really intelligent people but when the mold was made for those people they forgot to provide space for that thing we talked about earlier in the article – ethics (but on Nancy Pelosi instead of ethics they put botox.)

Intelligence without ethics is how you get “brilliant” pieces of work like a stimulus package to spend your way of debt.

Let’s just listen in on an interview with a Congressman that never made it to air (because the “ethics” committee wouldn’t allow it):

Interviewer:  What do you think is the biggest problem we face today, healthcare or unemployment?

Congressman:  Neither one, it’s being re-elected.

Interviewer:  How is that a problem for the citizens of the United States?

Congressman:  Oh, I didn’t know we were talking about them. I thought we were talking about me.  In that case I think the biggest problem is either steroid in sports or replacing the BCS system with a playoff in college football.

Interviewer:  Why would those things be important to Congress?

Congressman:  Well, first of all, Miss smarty pants interviewer, they are subjects where it makes Congress looks like we really care about something and so it makes us look good.  And second it’s something we can’t really get in trouble for.  Even though a lot of us take steroids and really, any type of drug you could imagine, legal or illegal, we aren’t professional athletes, so it takes the limelight off of us and puts it somewhere else.

Interviewer:  But how do those things fall under your jurisdiction?

Congressman:  I guess you aren’t listening.  I already said it makes us look good and that is our biggest jurisdiction.

At that time a couple of Secret Service agent swept in and carted the interviewer off, never to be heard from again.

And with that said, it would be nice if we could just get rid of these guys by “unfriending” them in our Facebook accounts but at least we can vote them out in the next election.

darnfunnyonline.com

It is a much sadder story for some children though.  Obama Claus will only be visiting the houses of children who have a household income of less than $250,000.  The only thing those evil rich kids will get is a letter from Obama’s Christmas Czar telling them they have to share all of their gifts with all the less fortunate children.

Obama gives people more hope for free money and stuff than the Nigerian businessman who just wrote you an e-mail telling you he wants to give you 20% of his fortune just for helping you get his money into the country and “it’s all very legal” just give your bank account information so he can deposit the money (wink, wink.)  Somehow I ‘m feeling more trusting of the Nigerian businessman and more hopeful that he’ll be able to deliver on his promise.

I can just imagine Obama Claus sitting in his chair at the mall at Christmas time with the line of children waiting to see him.  A young CEO is first in line.  He walks up to Obama Claus and sits on his lap:

Obama Claus: What would you like for Christmas little boy?

Young CEO: All I want for Christmas is for my company to flourish despite my mismanagement and greed.

Obama Claus: Ho, ho, ho, what a noble little boy you are.  (He points to his elves, played by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid) Give this wonderful lad a check for a billion dollars, but only if he promises a big donation to my re-election campaign.  (The two elves drool and fall over each other as they rush to comply with Obama Claus’s every wish.)

Next in line is a young Hillary Clinton, who rushes up to sit on his lap:

Obama Claus: Hey, little girl you’re going to have to move a little bit, your pants suit got caught on my belt buckle. (She moves to make him happy, at least for the time being, until she gets what she really wants.)  So, anyway, what do you want for Christmas?

Young Hillary: Oh, I just want to be President.

Obama Claus: (looking to his elves) Give this kid the same thing we’ll be giving the people from FOX News. (He pushes her off his lap.)

Next is a young conservative Republican.  Hopefully, he rushes up to Obama Claus, who holds up his hand, motioning for him to stop.

Obama Claus: (Coldly to his elves) This kid gets the “pull the plug” type healthcare for Christmas. Next!

A young Joe Biden runs up to Obama Claus to sit in his lap.

Obama Claus: (To his elves) Do I know this kid from somewhere?  He looks familiar.  (They shrug their shoulders.)  (To the kid) Anyway, what do you want?

Young Joe: I just want you to acknowledge that I exist.

Obama Claus:  I gotta go now. (He ignores the kid and stands up dumping young Joe to the ground.) (He waves to all the other kids in line waiting for their promise of “hope and change”) Sorry, I don’t have time for you guys I have to get back to the White House so I can write my acceptance speech for my next Nobel Peace Prize, while also planning the next phase of the war in Afghanistan.

For my taste, I’ll continue believing in the real Santa Claus.

darnfunnyonline.com

The exception, of course, would be the IRS.  I would never want to pick on IRS employees, and this is not for fear of retribution.  The IRS is well known for their fair mindedness and being the farthest from a vindictive organization.  So, in the interest of fairness I won’t say that a typical IRS employee uses less judgment than a dog owner letting Michael Vick dog-sit their pit bull puppy.  Nor would I say that getting actual help on your taxes when you call the IRS 800 number is about as likely to happen as  getting Obama to veto a spending  bill.  And, lastly, I would never say that opening up to an IRS agent would make me feel about as safe as being a bottle of scotch in Ted Kennedy’s liquor cabinet.

Clearly, I would never say any of those things.  And even more clearly, let me state, emphatically, that I have never even fudged a little bit on my taxes and , in fact, generally overpay the IRS just because I think so highly of them as a group of esteemed individuals.

That said, let’s move on from the IRS and pick on other government employees instead.

If you want to have more fun than anticipating AND experiencing your next prostate exam go stand in line at a typical government organization.  Then try not to get ticked off as the line continues to get longer and then the worker in your line puts a closed sign in their window because it’s time for their break.  Suddenly the frustration builds and you begin to actually appreciate those city workers you see leaning on their shovels every time you drive by.

Of course, no discussion of government employees who are inept, inconsiderate, incompetent, idiotic, deficient, improper, inefficient, unqualified, inane, (hold on let me get my thesaurus) immoral, inaccurate, erroneous, bloated, inexcusable, and just plain stupid – oh darn, I went and gave it away – naturally, by now you know that I am talking about Congress.  Yes, they are government employees even though they like to believe we work for them.  When you think about who makes the laws in our country it kind of makes it easier to understand why Medicare covers Viagra, if you get my meaning.

I saw in the paper the other day that Harry  Reid said the Republicans are slowing things down on getting legislation passed… and he thinks this is a bad thing?  Congress NOT passing a plethora of stupid laws!!!  I think that would go down as one of the greatest things to happen to our country since the postal system replaced the Pony Express… no wait a minute… ah never mind, we’ll give the USPS the benefit of the doubt on that one.

When you consider the majority of the men and women in Congress were attorneys before they got into government it sheds some light on that subject, doesn’t it?  With apologies to Mathew Perry’s Chandler character on “Friends”, “could there BE two more hated professions?” Not unless you want to mix in a few IRS agents (who, by the way, I have the utmost respect for).  A lawyer is probably a little bit better off professionally, spiritually, and in every other way than a congressperson, which means they have to go downhill from lawyerdom to get into Congress.  That is akin to asking for another brain operation after you just received a lobotomy.

Then there is the FDA (which apparently stands for For Drugs Always) who even Congress has been critical of lately…does it get any worse than that?  Actually, I believe the FDA is a wonderful organization is you are a major stockholder in a pharmaceutical company.

To sum it all up, I can’t say that all government employees are bad.  Every group has both good and bad, and let me be perfectly clear that in the next tax season anyone looking at my tax returns is of the highest caliber being I ever met (that worked in a government organization).