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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week, always very witty: 9/19/11 to 9/22/11. Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn’t Say During a Presidential Debate 10. Yeah, I killed a guy 9. 50 states? When did Puerto Rico get in? 8. Can you repeat the question? I was thinking about cookies 7....

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The Economy and the Three Stooges

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 18-10-2012

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(I originally wrote this over a year ago but it is just as appropriate today so I’m posting it again.)

I hate to do this to the Three Stooges, who are actually respected in their field, that being slap-stick comedy, but I’m going to have to compare the Obama administration’s handling of the economy to the Three Stooges.  My apologies to the original Stooges because I’m sure they would do a better job of handling the economy than the current stooges are doing.

President Obama would be Moe, Timothy Geithner would be Larry and I’ve anointed Bernanke as Curly just because he is bald and I can imagine him lying on the floor running in a circle yelling, “Moe, Larry, cheese.  Moe, Larry, cheese,” every time he has an uncontrollable urge for cheese.  (Or in this case the cheese would be a stimulus.)  Of course, Joe Biden would be Shemp because he just never fit in and no one really ever liked that guy.

I can just hear one of the meetings with the three of them in the Oval Office:

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads, what do you think about another one of those Quantitative Easings?

Geithner (as Larry):  I don’t know, this is the 20th one, they don’t seem to be working anymore.

Obama (as Moe) to Bernanke (as Curly): What do you think? Should we do it?

Bernanke (as Curly):  Why Soitenly!  Ynuk, ynuk, ynuk.

Then after it fails again for the 20th time Obama and Geithner are in the Oval Office putting the blame on Bernanke by Geithner pulling on Bernanke’s ear with a wrench, while Obama is lifting Bernanke by the nose with a crow bar.

It’s something to marvel at that Moe, who was always so angry, would still probably pull better poll marks that Obama does today.  And that is because if Moe were here now and he saw what Obama was doing he’d call him a knucklehead and give him a double poke in the eyes and everybody would probably cheer for him.

Moe did always have a habit of acting tough but when there was any real danger he would run away with the other Stooges which is why Obama is the perfect modern day Moe.  What he was essentially saying to Congress about the debt ceiling and raising taxes was, “Why I oughta…”  And then when things got tough he and the other stooges turned and ran away as they were heard to say, “yneh, yneh, yneh…”

Here is another scenario from the Oval Office Back from when the major banks were about to go bankrupt:

Obama (as Moe):  What are we going to do now?

Geithner (as Larry):  It’s just too big to fail.

Obama (as Moe):  We’re not talking about your head, you know.

Bernanke (as Curly):  I think he’s right.  We should drop money from helicopters if we have to. (Steve’s note:  Sadly, that really does sound like something the Three Stooges would say rather than the guy in charge of the Fed, but he actually did say those words.)

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads better be right or you’re in big trouble.

Months later, after their bailout failed miserably, there is a lot of eye gouging and hitting in the head… you can imagine that scene if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges.

Obama, Geithner and Bernanke are constantly telling us they have the answers to fix the economy and each time it gets worse.  Bernanke claims to be an expert and a student of the Depression but if the three of them became more expert on the Three Stooges instead, our economy would probably be in a lot better shape right now.  Luckily, everybody already ignores Shemp (Biden) anyway.

darnfunnyonline.com

Previously on the Obama Presidency…

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 08-09-2011

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President Obama’s approval numbers are in and, apparently, just trying to look good instead of being effective is not the way to go.  His approval numbers are at an all time low.  In fact, they are so bad that his only workable strategy he has to win next year’s election is for someone to invent time travel so he can go back in time, reverse the killing of bin Laden and time it to be done  about next September.

Jobs, or lack of them, are the current thing that is bringing him down, but there have been so many others before this.  He had promised to create shovel ready jobs but being in the government he just had the wrong concept of what that is.  His idea of a shovel ready job is people leaning on shovels and doing nothing, which is metaphorically what he is doing as he watches his presidency go by.

Obama has proposed $300 billion to jump start the economy and he is currently filling out the loan papers from the Chinese government, as I write this, so he can borrow the money to get that done.  I suspect though that the Democratic party’s idea of creating jobs is some kind of virtual job where nothing actually ever really gets done.  Now that I think of it, Farmville on Facebook was probably Obama’s attempt at job creation.

Congress has an even lower approval rating than Obama.  Eighty-two percent of the population disapproves of the job that Congress is doing.  To put that in prospective that is about the same kind of disapproval rating that perverts, liars and criminals would get…oh, that makes sense then!

Under The Obama administration the economy has gotten so bad that there is talk of replacing the dollar as the main currency in the world, appropriately, Monopoly money is the currency that they would replace it with.  Further proof of the downfall of the economy is that the tea party can no longer afford tea bags so they’ve just been drinking ice water this summer.  To celebrate the bad approval numbers for Obama they did splurge though and had Kool-aid.

Just this last week one of the president’s speech writers resigned so that he could go into comedy writing, apparently he was tired of writing tragedies.  But to have a little fun before he left and to get him started into the comedy he wrote one last speech for Obama, that unfortunately never got done.  In it he used several quotes, or at least paraphrases, from our past presidents.  The speech would have been done but Obama accidentally gave the paper it was written on to the Fed so they could use it to print more money.  Anyway, this is how it went: (By the way, the writer wasn’t worried if Obama would question it because he just reads whatever the teleprompter says.)

“Four score and seven years ago I did not have sex with that woman, Ms Lewinsky.  What’s really important to note about my years as president is that I am not a crook.  And what we as American’s should do is ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for me.  Furthermore, we have nothing to fear but the fear of losing the next election and you should all know that the buck stops here because we have run out of any more bucks.

“I believe it was Jimmy Carter who said, ‘What the heck, four years of this crap is plenty.’ And in closing (Look thoughtfully into the air like you always do) I’d like to say, it was all Bush’s fault.”

darnfunnyonline.com

The Economy and the Three Stooges

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 01-09-2011

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I hate to do this to the Three Stooges, who are actually respected in their field, that being slap-stick comedy, but I’m going to have to compare the Obama administration’s handling of the economy to the Three Stooges.  My apologies to the original Stooges because I’m sure they would do a better job of handling the economy than the current stooges are doing.

President Obama would be Moe, Timothy Geithner would be Larry and I’ve anointed Bernanke as Curly just because he is bald and I can imagine him lying on the floor running in a circle yelling, “Moe, Larry, cheese.  Moe, Larry, cheese,” every time he has an uncontrollable urge for cheese.  (Or in this case the cheese would be a stimulus.)  Of course, Joe Biden would be Shemp because he just never fit in and no one really ever liked that guy.

I can just hear one of the meetings with the three of them in the Oval Office:

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads, what do you think about another one of those Quantitative Easings?

Geithner (as Larry):  I don’t know, this is the 20th one, they don’t seem to be working anymore.

Obama (as Moe) to Bernanke (as Curly): What do you think? Should we do it?

Bernanke (as Curly):  Why Soitenly!  Ynuk, ynuk, ynuk.

Then after it fails again for the 20th time Obama and Geithner are in the Oval Office putting the blame on Bernanke by Geithner pulling on Bernanke’s ear with a wrench, while Obama is lifting Bernanke by the nose with a crow bar.

It’s something to marvel at that Moe, who was always so angry, would still probably pull better poll marks that Obama does today.  And that is because if Moe were here now and he saw what Obama was doing he’d call him a knucklehead and give him a double poke in the eyes and everybody would probably cheer for him.

Moe did always have a habit of acting tough but when there was any real danger he would run away with the other Stooges which is why Obama is the perfect modern day Moe.  What he was essentially saying to Congress about the debt ceiling and raising taxes was, “Why I oughta…”  And then when things got tough he and the other stooges turned and ran away as they were heard to say, “yneh, yneh, yneh…”

Here is another scenario from the Oval Office Back from when the major banks were about to go bankrupt:

Obama (as Moe):  What are we going to do now?

Geithner (as Larry):  It’s just too big to fail.

Obama (as Moe):  We’re not talking about your head, you know.

Bernanke (as Curly):  I think he’s right.  We should drop money from helicopters if we have to. (Steve’s note:  Sadly, that really does sound like something the Three Stooges would say rather than the guy in charge of the Fed, but he actually did say those words.)

Obama (as Moe):  Okay, you knuckleheads better be right or you’re in big trouble.

Months later, after their bailout failed miserably, there is a lot of eye gouging and hitting in the head… you can imagine that scene if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges.

Obama, Geithner and Bernanke are constantly telling us they have the answers to fix the economy and each time it gets worse.  Bernanke claims to be an expert and a student of the Depression but if the three of them became more expert on the Three Stooges instead, our economy would probably be in a lot better shape right now.  Luckily, everybody already ignores Shemp (Biden) anyway.

darnfunnyonline.com

The Government and “Hu” Done It

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 20-01-2011

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As if the government we have isn’t enough of a joke President Hu of China is visiting.   If that is not an Abbott and Costello routine waiting to happen I don’t know what is.  I’ll refrain, or at least try to.

Of course the Obama administration has all kind of grandiose plans to look good while he is here (or should I say while Hu is here…Who?), none of which will likely transpire, except for the appropriate ass kissing since China basically holds the mortgage on the US government.  Governments, in general, sort of live by the code of the Billy Crystal’s “Fernando” character from Saturday Night Live, (for those of us old enough to remember) “It’s more important to look good than to feel good.”  Or in the case of the government it would be “It’s more important to look good than to be effective.”

So, the morning of Hu’s visit I’m sure the conversation between Barack Obama and Michelle Obama went something like this:

Michelle:  I forget who is coming today?

Barack:  That’s right, Hu. But what did you forget?

Michelle:  (confused and shaking her head)  What?

Barack:  No, there is no what, just Hu.

Michelle:  Huh?

Barack:  (laughs) Yeah, wouldn’t that be funny if his assistant was named Huh.

Michelle: (still confused) Whatever…Why are you putting lipstick on?

Barack:  Somebody has to kiss Hu’s ass and I couldn’t get Hillary to do it.

Michelle:  Wait, you’re kissing who’s ass?

Barack:  That’s right.

And it could have gone on like that for hours if Joe Biden had not walked in and said something stupid and prefaced it with the “F” word, forcing them to stifle a laugh until he left.  By that time they forgot all about the Hu/who conversation.

Okay, I said I wouldn’t do any of those “Hu” jokes.  But I guess I have about the same restraint as a democrat seeing something moving and trying not to tax it.

We’ll move on now to more idiocy from the government.  Since Obamacare is back in the news  and I said the word, idiocy, I’m sure that’s what popped into most people’s minds.  Republicans want to repeal it and Democrats want to keep it.  Keeping it falls under the category again of “looking good” rather than being effective.  It would be like promoting everyone getting a swine flu shot to handle the epidemic when there is no epidemic, just so they can say they did something.  Oh, wait a minute, bad example.  They actually did do that last year.

Keeping Obamacare, instead of just tearing it out from the roots would be like Donald Trump just trying to try comb his hair differently.  It’s not going to work.  There’s just too much insanity.  The only hope for The Donald would be to shave his head, just like the only hope for Obamacare is to yank it out by the roots and start over.

Anyway, the visit from Hu will be in the news for the next few days and the Obama administration will tells us what great strides they made with China.  The public will probably be wondering who really made great strides.  And the government will be thinking to itself, “That’s right, Hu made great strides.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Obama Looking for the Wizard of Asia

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 18-11-2010

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Once upon a time the mid-term election disaster occurred.  Barack Obama woke up feeling woozy, having been knocked out by the hurricane that hit the Democrats on election day.  He looked around but the surroundings didn’t look like anything he had ever seen before, including a mysterious yellow brick road.  He looked at his dog and said, “I don’t think we are in Washington any more Bobo.”

Bobo barked as if to say, ”Duh.”

They both looked around and saw a strangely familiar man with an orange glow to him.  “Who are you? And where are we?” asked Barack.

“I’m John, the Good Warlock of the East,” answered the man who looked amazingly like John Boehner.  “You need to follow the yellow brick road and find the Wizard of Asia and see if you can get the country’s money back.  He’s in China.”

“Can Bobo go too?”

“Bobo too,” answered John.

“Okay, but let me be clear, I’m not walking, I’m the President.  I’m taking Air force One.”

“But that will be so much more expensive.”

“Have you ever heard of tax payers?  That’s why we have them, to supply money for the Royalty.

John rolled his eyes, ”Whatever.”

Barack and Bobo headed out toward Air Force One and very soon they came upon a man who was looking all around the ground, behind trees, etc.  “Hey, what are you looking for?” asked Barack.

“I need a brain.  I’ve got to find a f___ing brain,” answered the man.

“You look like Joe Biden.”

“Well, my name is Joe.  Can you help me find a brain?”

“Maybe.  Bobo and I are going to see the Wizard of Asia to get America’s money back.  Maybe he can give you a brain.”

“Okay, I’ll join you.”

A moment after continuing a woman flew down on a broom.  Startled, Barack asked, “Nancy Pelosi, is that you?

“No, they call me the Wicked Witch of the West and I’m here to get rid of you and your idiot friend, Joe, so that I can be President, even if it will only last for 2 months.  It’ll be better than nothing.”

Bobo ran up to her and started barking.  “Hey get that mutt away from me.  If he bites me it will really hurt and my face is too frozen to change expressions.”

“Why is that?”

“That stupid goody-goody, Warlock of the East put a spell on me so that I have a permanent Botox fixation.  After I take care of you two I’ll take care of him too.”  Just then Bobo walked up close to her and started lifting his leg.  She screamed and flew off on her broom but warned them.  “I’ll be back.”

They headed out again to find Air Force One.  Very soon they came across two men.  One was on the left side of the road and another on the right.  “Who are you two guys?”

The man on the right answered first.  “I need to find a heart, so I was thinking of ripping his out.”

“Let me guess, you need some courage?”  Barack said to the man on the left.

“No, actually, I’d like to get a personality.  Apparently, I’ve never had one.”

“Wait a minute.  Aren’t you Dick Cheney and Harry Reid?”  Barack asked.

The man on the left answered, “No, but I am called Harry and many people have referred to him as a Dick.”

Dick snarled at Harry.

“I’m looking for money and Joe here, is looking for a brain.  We hope the Wizard of Asia can help us.  Why don’t you come with us? Wait,” Barack said to Dick.  “You weren’t hunting for that heart with a gun were you?  I don’t want to get shot in the face.”

“No, all I have with me is a water board.”

Okay, let’s get going, I only have ten days for this trip to Asia.”

They hurried along and got to Air Force One.  Just as they were taking off The Wicked Witch of the West was flying up on her broom but she accidentally got caught up in the exhaust of the plane and it made her fall to the ground.  Then suddenly a man who looked strangely like Glenn Beck ran up with a bucket of water and threw it on her.  As she started to melt he noticed he didn’t have enough water to finish the job.  He looked around for a water source but upon finding none he got the idea to finish her off the way Bobo was going to.  Barack and the others were watching all this from up in Air Force One.  After seeing what happened they all looked at each other, shrugged and said, “Eh.”

Finally, the plane landed in Asia and they saw a sign on a building that said “The Wizard of Asia”.  There were many small people working on the building that they thought were munchkins but as they got closer they realized they were Chinese children.

They walked into the building and saw a man that looked just Barack Obama standing behind a curtain.

Confused, Joe looked at the Barack that was with them and asked, “How can you be two people at once?”

“Hey, shut up, you don’t even have a brain.  It’s my dream, so if I can’t be the son of God in this one I’ll at least be a wizard.”

The Wizard Barack said unenthusiastically, “Ignore the man behind the curtain, blah, blah, whatever.”  He walked out to meet them.  “Okay, you found me so what do you want?

Joe took the lead and said, “I’m here looking for a brain, this guy wants a heart and he wants a personality.  And this guy who looks just like you would like to get some money from China so that America can be the richest country in the world again.”

The Wizard looked at them in the order Joe had requested.  “You are an idiot and will never have a brain, you are mean and will never get a heart, and you… man, you are just flat out boring. You could hook up with Al Gore and between the two of you, you still wouldn’t have half of a personality.  And as for you, Barack, just do everything the opposite of what you have done so far and things will start to go right for your country.  I can however, give your dog a biscuit.”

Just then, back in Washington, Michelle Obama was shaking Barack, who was in his bed wearing pajamas that said “It’s good To Be The King” and they were adorned with little crowns.  “Wake up Barack.  It’s time for your bowling lessons.”

He sat up abruptly.  “Wow! Did I ever have a nightmare.”

“Don’t feel bad, all of America is having a nightmare.  The good news is it will all be over in two years.”

THE END

darnfunnyonline.com

Stupid Politicians and the Beat Goes On

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 30-09-2010

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I love the fall season.  It means the weather is getting cooler, the holidays, which I really enjoy, are getting close and best of all is that there is just over a month until those ridiculously idiotic  political commercials will come to an end.

Since I live in Nevada I have to hear Harry Reid, in his whiny voice (yes, his voice sounds just like you’d expect) say that he “approves of this message.”  Not too many Nevadans, or any other Americans, would say approve and Harry Reid in the same sentence.

I don’t know who would believe a political commercial anyway.  One of the qualifications of being a politician is to be a chronic liar.  Just ask the wives of John Edwards or Al Gore if that is true.  And they were both near the top of pile of dung called politicians.  I guess you could compare politics to a game of golf, the more you score the worse off you are and those two evidently scored a lot.  It just so hard to imagine from Gore though, at least John Edwards had the hair, all Al Gore had was a big bucket of boring.  And don’t even get me going about Bill Clinton.

I told you not to get me going….here I go.  One good thing you can say about Clinton though, he didn’t have a prejudice bone (and the pun is definitely intended) in his body.  He would fraternize (wink, wink) with any women regardless of body type, race or creed.  Jeez, he apparently even slept with Hillary.  I wonder if her pajamas are interchangeable with her pants suits or if she just wears her pajamas over top of the pants suit so she can make a quick getaway in the morning on the nights Bill sleeps in the house.

Being an equal opportunity humor writer I’ll also take this opportunity to jump on Bush (although that strangely sounds like something Clinton, Gore or Edwards would do, I don’t mean it like that.)  Since I was comparing golf and politics before I’ll do it again with him.  He had quite a handicap.  That being that he had killed the majority of his brain cells from drug and alcohol abuse in his youth and, of course, Dick Cheney, who likes to kill or torture everything.  How are you ever going to win a game when you have those two things going against you.  But Obama has to be thankful for Bush or who would he blame for everything.  Actually, if Obama wanted to blame someone and get sympathy (i.e. votes) for it he could plead insanity for all his stupidity due to the fact that he has lived in the same house with his mother-in-law.

Many people blame the Republicans for seeming to have the slogan “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.  But Obama has proven to be very unworthy of his Nobel Peace prize by escalating the war in Afganistan.  But that is just politics as usual.  They just do what is expedient at the moment, which means whatever they think will get them votes.

It may seem like I have taken a trip to the farm and I got locked in the bitter barn rather than taking a stroll down comedy lane but, unfortunately, politics does that to a lot of us.  In fact, it has led many Americans to say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”  And then with a smile on their faces and being very cordial they are welcoming everyone to their Tea Party.  Isn’t that nice?

darnfunnyonline.com

President Obama at the Movies

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 09-09-2010

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There continues to be bad news in the polls for President Obama and congressional Democrats.  In a poll on the president’s handling of the economy 57% of those polled disapproved of the job he was doing.  The remaining 43% didn’t understand the question.

Obama is starting to catch onto his poll numbers going down and he is rethinking the fact that he has been channeling Joseph Stalin as his economic advisor.   Of course, this fact pissed off Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and it actually created a bit of a tiff between the three of them.  Shortly afterward, though, it all got straightened out.  Obama came on stage to do a speech.   Harry and Nancy were in the audience.  Obama started out by saying, “Hello.  Today, I’d like to talk to you about taxing and spending.”  Suddenly Reid and Pelosi rush up on stage and hugged Obama.  They were both crying with relief and were heard saying together, “You had me at hello, you had me at hello.”  They both got down on their knees and starting kissing his ass.  But, curiously, neither one of them would kiss his right cheek.  They both insisted on kissing only his left ass cheek.  At least that’s the way I heard the story.

As Obama continued his speech he was getting a little distracted and irritated by the fact that Reid and Pelosi were still slobbering all over his left ass cheek so finally he had to call the Secret Service agent out to extricate them.  As they were being dragged off stage Obama looked at them a little resentfully and said to them, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Anyway, in the above mentioned speech he was quoted as saying, “Let’s reach out for hope.”  I can only think that “reaching out for hope” is a euphemism for “let’s reach for your wallet because I’m about to tax your butt.”

In the president’s defense, though, he really does need to raise taxes.  Otherwise, how could he possibly pay for all the luxurious vacations he’s been taking lately.

A fact that Obama likes to conveniently forget when he blames George Bush for the economy and everything else, including his bowling inability, is that he was a member of the democratically controlled congress that helped to massively screw up the economy in the first place.  A Republican lady in the audience reminded him of that fact to which Obama quickly retorted, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

(Sorry, I seem to have a movie quoting jones going on here.)

And, of course, considering himself the son of God (if not God himself) he wouldn’t really give a damn what anybody else thinks or else he wouldn’t be following through with the policies that most people are not in favor of and are doing more harm than good.  For example, in another poll regarding Obama’s overall job performance 59% did not approve of his overall performance, while 25% were too busy to answer because they were looking for his birth certificate and the remaining were not able to answer because they were illegal aliens, but were definitely going to be voting for him in the next election if he is able to get them amnesty.

Finally, as Obama was wrapping up his speech and extolling the benefits of high taxation, he got the best Italian expression on his face that he could muster and said to the entire audience, “I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Congress and Lies go Hand in Hand

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 26-08-2010

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Recently, Roger Clemens, former Major League baseball player, was indicted for perjury as a result of allegedly lying to Congress about steroid usage.  The absurdity that anyone could get in trouble for lying to Congress, the King of the Liars, was enough impetus to write this article.  If you walk into Congress I would think the atmosphere of chronic liars alone would make someone be compelled to lie.  It would be like walking through the desert, you’d feel compelled to drink water…you walk into Congress, you feel compelled to lie.

I mean, come on, most of those guys were lawyers, so it’s their training to lie.  It’s just what they do.  And then they wanted to become politicians on top of being lawyers.  It’s like taking the scum that is on top of the scum in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the pond that has accumulated scum and that is what the politicians are comparable to.  Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing…providing you are already a very low form of disease causing bacteria.

If Roger Clemens could have a private conversation with some members of Congress this is what I would expect it to be like:

Roger:  Let’s just assume I was lying, which I wasn’t, you guys lie to each other and the public all the time.  Why is okay for you guys?

Congressman #1:  When you believe your lies it is a whole different game. It makes it okay.  If you are really good at something you should do it.  Painters paint, singers sing and liars lie.

Roger:  That’s not fair.

Congressman #1:  Fair?  What does that have to do with anything?  This is politics and government.

Harry Reid:  I noticed you often appeared angry and intense when you were pitching.  Was that the result of steroids?

Roger:  I didn’t take steroids, so I wouldn’t know.

Harry Reid:  Darn it.  I was hoping it was true.  Heck, I would take them too if it was, even a bad personality is better than none like I have.

Nancy Pelosi:  Do you think steroid usage could be an effective replacement for Botox?  Not that I would have any interest in that.

Roger:  Now you’re lying, aren’t you?

Nancy Pelosi:  I don’t know what you mean?  Telling you that I’m lying goes against my Hippocratic oath…oh wait, that is the oath that doctors don’t keep.  (She turns to a fellow congressperson)  What oath do we take?

Fellow congressperson:  The oath to lie, of course.

Nancy Pelosi:  Yes, that’s right. I remember now.  If I answered your question the way you wanted me to I would be breaking my oath…what was the question anyway?

Roger:  Never mind.  I know you use Botox.

Nancy Pelosi:  That’s not true.  The nerves in my face are just dead from me beating myself up all the time for lying to my constituents.  But if you tell anyone that I’ll deny it, as any good congressperson would.

Roger:  What about Charles Rangle?  I’m betting you guys knew he was lying for a long time yet you did nothing until someone else exposed it.

Congressman #1:  He’s one of us.  We were elected to do the job we do.

Roger:  What, lie?

Congressman#1:  I’d be lying if I said yes, so, no.

Roger:  What does that even mean?

Congressman#1:  Exactly.

darnfunnyonline.com

Politics and Responsibility, Say What?

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 20-05-2010

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Parents, if your child breaks something around the house like a window, for example, don’t be too concerned about his future just because he doesn’t seem to want to take any responsibility for it.  There’s a very strong possibility he has a future as an executive at a large multi-national corporation like BP, Transocean, or Halliburton.  If that doesn’t work out he or she can always run for Congress.

If that’s not extreme enough for you then maybe your child may even have presidential aspirations, after all, anything that goes wrong for President Obama is clearly President Bush’s fault.  Even if history rates Obama as the worst president ever he will be saying it’s because Bush was the worst up to that point.

If Obama was confronted by someone using the famous line by Jack Nicholson in the movie “A few Good Men” saying about his presidency, “You can’t handle the truth.”  I’m sure he would immediately break out his teleprompter and go into a beautiful soliloquy about the truth and what it meant to hope and change for this great country.  And then he would go on 42 different TV news and entertainment shows to talk about what the truth meant to us all until everyone forgot about the original accusation made to him about truth.  And by the time he was done with it truth would have a new definition just like “Hope” and “Change” does now.  Now that I think of it he may have taken lessons from Clinton.  During his impeachment proceedings sexual relations and oral sex had no interrelating definitions by the time he was done.

Now when you talk about responsibility and Congress you are really referring to two subjects that have no correlation to each other.  Here is a conversation between an interviewer and a congressman discussing responsibility:

Interviewer:  What do you think of this whole oil spill mess?

Congressman:  Well, I know one thing for sure.  I had nothing to do with it.  But rest assured Congress will get to the bottom of this.

Interviewer:  That’s an interesting statement.  What do you mean by that?

Congressman:  I mean we’ll have someone to blame.

Interviewer:  But what will that solve?

Congressman:  Nothing really, but it sure keeps the heat off of us in Congress.  I have to tell you that was a little uncomfortable for us during the Healthcare thing.

Interviewer:  But now because of what you did all of us citizens will suffer for a long time. (Editor’s note:  This interviewer obviously does not work for anyone but FOX…and proudly.)

Congressman:  (Clears his throat)  Well….I’m sure if there was any wrong doing on our part our ethics committee will look into it.  (Editor’s note again:  An ethics committee in Congress is like having a vacuum cleaner in a pig sty.)

Interviewer:  That is an interesting note.  On that, do you in Congress ever take responsibility for anything?

Congressman:  Of course we do.  Whenever we are caught doing something illegal or immoral and there’s no way out of it we admit we did it.

Interviewer:  That’s not really what someone would call taking responsibility.

Congressman:  You obviously know absolutely nothing about politics.

There you have it folks.  So, the next time your child breaks a window or something and admits even the slightest bit of responsibility for it breath a heavy sigh of relief.  He will never be a politician.

darnfunnyonline.com

Politics as Usual, Unfortunately

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Humor article | Posted on 13-05-2010

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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I haven’t written too much about Congress recently.  I guess it’s because they haven’t done anything colossally idiotic lately, it is just their routine idiotic.  If that is too harsh a term for some of you maybe we could try moronic, imbecilic or just plain stupid.  Any of those would serve quite well actually, so go ahead and take your pick.

I guess it’s really hard to top Obamacare for really bad ideas so in comparison to that nobody is really getting too excited recently. But with election season already getting started it is an exciting time for someone who writes humor, not unlike a kid on his first trip to Disneyland.  To see a jackass (and I’m not just talking about the democrats now, although they couldn’t have a more fitting symbol) fall on his face, as many politicians do when they are trying to impress the masses, is truly a fun thing.

It’s nice to see that Congress is currently addressing corruption, although if they were really going to get to the heart of the matter they wouldn’t need to look any further than their own halls.  It’s hard to imagine how they keep a straight face when they are drilling the executives of Goldman Sachs about their evil ways when they are probably having their assistants take notes to see if they can scrape off any good ideas that they can use for themselves.  They probably all go out to dinner afterward and have a good laugh and then charge it to the government.

I live in Nevada where Harry Reid keeps campaigning based on all the jobs he created for the state. Unfortunately, most of any jobs that have been truly created are more government jobs to enforce all the idiotic (there’s that word again, you can fill in any of the substitutes that you want to use again) rules they keep making.  Of course, that just costs the taxpayer more money.  But, bingo!  More jobs created because the fed has to hire more guys to run the printing press to print more money. What a system!

I can just hear Obama speaking to all the democrats in Congress to get them excited about the upcoming elections and trying to inspire them to victories:

Obama:  Ask not what your country can do for you… oh wait…that was Kennedy.  Who should I be today…Let’s see, well, the Republicans say I’m a Nazi so I definitely don’t want to be like Hitler and make them appear to be right.  Gee, I’m kind of stuck, there’s no one here I have to impress to get to vote for me, so for the first time in my life I’m at a loss for words…

Harry Reid: (interrupting) Uh, Sir, I detected very slightly that you were slipping into a Negro dialect.  Remember, I said you didn’t have a Negro dialect and that’s what made you electable.

Obama:  Elections, elections?  Thank you, Harry.  You brought me brought me back to reality.  My thoughts are all coming into my head again with a violent rush.  I feel like I could talk for days.  My ability to be a plastic politician has fully returned.

Nancy Pelosi: (interrupting) Sir, before you continue should I kiss your ring, or your foot… or your…

Obama:  No, thank you Nancy, not now anyway.  You can do your requisite sucking up later on.  (Then he continues on blah, blah, blah and everyone is all impressed even though he doesn’t care that he never intends to do anything he is telling them.)

And, so, the beat goes on in Washington and they will continue to do the idiotic (or whatever word you want to substitute) stuff they always do.  Unless we get real smart and throw a big tea party on election day.  Maybe we can trick the current congressman into joining us.  “Ooh, a party!”

darnfunnyonline.com