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Here are some jokes by standup comedian Mike Birbiglia:

I’ve been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he’ll say a really good rhyme, and he’ll say his name afterwards. He’ll be like, ‘Cat in the hat, and that was that — Busta Rhymes.’ I really like that. I’d like to do that with jokes. Like, ‘I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I’m not sure I wanna wake up — Mike Birbiglia.’

This girl offered me E at the club. She’s like, ‘You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.’ I was like, ‘I don’t even like this music. I don’t really want to take the next step.’

Everyone tries to get you to dance at these clubs, especially women. They’re like, ‘You gotta dance. You gotta dance!’ And then I dance, and they’re like, ‘Not like that.’

I went to Dunkin’ Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn’t speak any English at all, like, no words. And it’s like I’m all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, ‘Blah, blah, blah, donutos.’ And I’d be like, ‘Right away, sir.’

My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, ‘I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.’ And I was like, ‘No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee’s might grease the wheels a little.’

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And she was like, ‘I fear you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll leave me, and I’ll be all alone.’ And she was like, ‘What do you fear the most?’ And I was like, ‘Bears.’

I try and go to the gym. But it seems kind of counterproductive because the idea is to impress women, but there are women at the gym and they can see me bench-pressing 65 pounds. And I don’t think they’re saying, ‘Check out the guy in the dress socks. I saw him do one chin-up and then fall on the ground.’

One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn’t be that excited either. I’d be like, ‘Oh great, she looks exactly like me.’

I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim: Nice pants! Love, Scott.’

I’m Italian… Sometimes people come up to me and they’ll be like, ‘In Italy, it’s pronounced ‘Bir-Bee-Lya.’ And I’m like, ‘In America, you’re annoying.’

I was an altar boy when I was a kid — and the answer is ‘no.’

I wanted to be a rapper — I really did — and it surprises people because I’m a white bread cracker. That’s my favorite white person slur — ‘white bread.’ The other day, someone was like, ‘What’s up, white bread?’ And I was like, ‘That’s not even an insult. That’s just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup.’

Rappers now will be like, ‘It’s 2005, motherf**ker.’ I’m like, you’re mad about the date? You’ve gotta pick your battles, man.

Technology’s moving so fast, man. It’s to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, ‘You seen the new Sony Teleporter?’ People will be like, ‘No, but I heard about it.’ I end up saying that all the time — ‘No, but I heard about it.’ It means I haven’t heard about it, but I like you.

I’ve got an apartment, and it’s a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, ‘You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.’ I was like, ‘Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? ‘Cause I got that goin’ on, too!’

I’m not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn’t even want to call her. I didn’t feel like she met me, I felt like she met ‘Two-Drink Mike.’ It’s totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.

I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, ‘Whatever you are, be a good one.’ I just don’t feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, ‘How Are Ya?’ — Abraham Lincoln.

I walked on stage as I heard them say, ‘Please welcome Mike Bahooski!’, and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, ‘You didn’t even try! You just said “B” and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That’s a really specific choice.’

I went to the doctor the other day. They told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it’s never anything good, like, ‘We found something in your bladder, and it’s season tickets to the Yankees!’

I didn’t realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents.

I found the antidote to this crazy virus online, and I was able to make it go away. But when I left the house, my parents still insisted on placing the computer in the corner of the house with the screen facing the wall, like the computer had done something wrong.

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Here are some funny observations after  keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Female beach volleyball players in the Olympics will no longer be required to wear bikinis in order to accommodate cultures of other countries.  Iran will now send a volleyball team and in the interest of compromise, their players will still need to have their full bodies covered but they will no longer need to wear a veil.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is broke.  In the beginning of last week he was charging people $50 to take a picture with him.  Now he carries a sign that says, ‘Will take pictures for food.”

Things are so bad for Gingrich’s campaign even his wife wouldn’t give him $50 to take her picture with him, but she was willing to give him her wedding ring.

Last week a JetBlue pilot had a meltdown on a flight to Las Vegas.  But there is a happy ending , the post office has now offered him a job.

Michelle Obama is going to make an appearance on The Biggest Loser show this week.   Apparently, she wants to get experience being around someone who has lost a lot, in preparation for dealing with her husband next November.

According to a new study, marijuana smokers get into fewer car accidents than beer drinkers.  Scientists say this is because potheads are too lazy to get off the couch to drive somewhere.

The Arkansas Supreme Court has declared that it is legal for teachers to have sex with 18 year old students.  And, it being Arkansas, if the student and teacher happen to be cousins, that’s okay too.

No new jobs, no new houses, no economic recovery.  Every cloud has a silver lining because that also means no Obama after November.

Mitt Romney showed that he does have a sense of humor last week when he told a funny story about how his father once closed down a factory in Michigan, further endearing himself to the middle class.

Hillary Clinton insists that she’s not going to run for president in 2016.  She also insists that Bill never cheated on her.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Charities Under Investigation

10.Adopt-A-Rat

9.United Wayans

8.Doctors Without Licenses

7.Habitat for Humidity

6.The Hellman’s Mayo Clinic

5.Hearts for Cheneys

4.Monkey Scouts of America

3.Men Without Hats

2.Food Bank for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie

1.The New York Mets

Top Ten Other Things Rick Santorum Thinks Are Bull****

10.Imitation maple syrup

9.”No hirt, no shoes, no service”

8.The Internet

7.Dr. Phil’s medical degree

6.Corn-shaped corn holders

5.British Revolutionary War uniforms (That’s our mistake, that shouldn’t have been on the list — he thinks highly of those uniforms)

4.Politicians using profanity

3.”Glee”

2.Letterman repeatedly playing this “bull****” video

1.Sweaters with sleeves

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Pilot Say

10.”Hey Lindbergh, get off my lap!”

9.”We’ll be cruising at an altitute of seventy-five feet”

8.”Here’s a little something I once tried at an air show”

7.”I love this airport — The terminals are the right height”

6.”Bring Daddy a whiskey sour”

5.”Meow”

4.”We’ll be arriving in Newark shortly”

3.”Help! I’m covered in ticks”

2.”Enjoy the in-flight movie, starring myself and the co-pilot’s wife”

1.”If you turn your attention to the front of the airplane, you’ll see me being hog-tied by an air marshal”

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich

10.”How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named ‘Newt’?”

9.”Should I just photograph myself burning $50?”

8.”Do I look Newty enough?”

7.”Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who’s not going to be President?”

6.”Do I have to touch him?”

5.”Is this how Newt met his three wives?”

4.”Seriously, have I lost my mind?”

3.”Does Newt have to be in the photo?”

2.”What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?”

1.”Will Rush Limbaugh thing I’m a slut?”

Top Ten Good Things About Living In A Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland

10.You don’t waste time worrying about an impending apocalypse

9.It’s a great excuse for not dusting

8.Low mortgage rates make buying a cave easier than ever

7.No shortage of irradiated sand

6.Fewer films about post-apocalyptic wastelands

5.You can find a parking space

4.No Republican debates

3.News radio has traffic on the 1s, zombie attacks on the 8s

2.Breakdancing robots

1.Still easy to purchase Met tickets

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

A Massachusetts medical clinic was trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza.  It seems that is the perfect add-on item because what man hasn’t at one time had the thought, “I really should get a vasectomy but I’m so hungry.  If only there was a place I could get both a vasectomy and a pizza.”

When you hear about a promo like that it just makes you hope that they aren’t giving away any sausage pizzas.

Kim Kardashian is the latest female celebrity that wants to date Tim Tebow.  She wants to do it for humanitarian reasons, though, so she can cure him of his malady, virginity.

The story line of the failed Disney movie, John Carter, was about a civil war soldier on Mars.  I can’t see why that bombed at the box office.  If that is not the winning concept for a movie, I don’t know what is.

The Hunger Games was, however, a big hit at the box office.  The only people who didn’t attend that movie were the ones confused by the title and thought it was about Newt Gingrich at a buffet line.

According to a government report Obamacare is going to cost nearly twice as much as the president originally said it would.  Obama brushed that off by saying, “Don’t believe anything the government tells you.”

Obama has made a new campaign promise to actually DO something rather than to just give speeches  about doing something.  Of course, so far he’s only giving speeches about it.

Supposedly, Kim Kardashian is thinking of adopting a child.  A lot of teenage boys in orphanages are asking if she’ll be breast feeding.

Comedian, Gallagher, decided to retire after he had a heart attack.  He was told by doctors he could no longer smash watermelons with a sledgehammer on stage and he would be relegated to smashing grapes with a weight spoon.  So he figured , “Why bother.”

Tim Tebow will be bringing his holier than though attitude to the New York Jets, which has an offense with a lot of holes in it, so it should be a good match.

Dick Cheney had a heart transplant.  As soon as he’s well enough he’s going to search for the Wizard of Oz and the hope is he can get a brain and some courage (so he can deal with people without waterboarding them) and then he might actually become a whole person.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Questions People Rarely Ask Car Salesmen

10.”How much for just the airbags?”

9.”May I see a picture of the navigation lady?”

8.”Which car goes best with a suspended license?”

7.”May I test drive naked?”

6.”Are you available to speak at ‘Career Day’?”

5.”May I return it next week after a state-wide crime spree?”

4.”What would Jesus drive?”

3.”May I watch while you undercoat my wife’s car?”

2.”Could my dog ride comfortably on the roof?”

1.”Will you hold me while we dicker?”

Top Ten Things The Secret Service Learned About Tonight’s Audience

10.This woman is here because she lost a bet

9.Just to be safe, this man always wears two pairs of pants

8.Likes to dress squirrels as historical figures

7.AOL chat room nickname: RealBradPitt

6.America Express Card Number: 3714 4963 5398 4311, Expiration date 12/14, Security code 955

5.Great-granddaughter of Madonna

4.Known guinea pig smuggler

3.Middle name: Veronica

2.Briefly married to Newt Gingrich

1.Rush Limbaugh called this guy a slut

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Todd Barry:

Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like, ‘Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300 gallon drum of laundry detergent for 99 cents. Why don’t you go take your good values to another town?’

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.

I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.

I saw a woman on the street wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘Nurses Kick Butt.’ I don’t want a nurse who kicks butt. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of pumped up healthcare workers. I don’t want to be lying in the operating room — the door gets kicked open, there’s a guy standing there in scrubs, ‘Hi, I’m Stanley Feinberg, I’m your neurologist, and tonight, I’m gonna tear this playhouse down.’

I can understand no wallets at Old Navy, but no ties? What am I supposed to wear with my mock-ribbed turtleneck and purple camouflage cargo pants? I’ve got a funeral to go to.

I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she’s like, ‘Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.’ And I just wanted to say to her, ‘You know, I bet your comments are better televised.’

I was dating a woman. Before we had our first little sex talk, she actually said this to me — she goes, ‘Todd, I’ve had anal sex before, but, uh, don’t ask me who it was with.’ I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question.

I’m a Jewish guy. Saw another Jewish guy on the street wearing a pink yarmulke. I walk closer, not only was it a pink yarmulke, it was made to look like a slice of watermelon. I think if God is so easygoing he tolerates your summer fun pink watermelon yarmulke, he’d probably be cool with no yarmulke.

People ask me all the time, ‘Todd, when you’re on the road at these comedy clubs, do you hit on the waitresses?’ People, I’m a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.

This guy’s like, ‘We’ve got to have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels.’ ‘How are they like hotels?’ ‘They’re like hotels because they’ve got the color TVs, man.’ ‘Oh, like in hotels.’ They have to have color TVs in prison, people. Do you know how hard it is to find a black and white set these days?

I’m a single guy myself. I was reading the personal ads. I saw one that said, ‘Single white female, 27, herpes: mild.’ I don’t know if we use the same rating system for social diseases as we do for taco sauce.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

President Obama’s approval rating is at an all time low.  Many consider him the worst president ever.  In fact his Secret Service code name has been changed to “Jimmy Carter.”

Rick Santorum is against birth control and pornography.   If he wants to stop people from getting screwed he needs to talk more about fixing the economy.

An Oxnard, CA, middle school female teacher has been placed on leave after students told school officials she had appeared in porn films.  The teacher was surprised and commented, “It’s better to learn about sex in the classroom than out on the streets.”

Drug users in San Francisco have now formed a drug users union, which means while they are taking drugs they are not allowed to do any other job, which is pretty much the way it was anyway.

Now the drug user union members will only be able to buy from union drug dealers and they will only be able to use one drug at a time.

Former Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, spent his last hours of freedom before reporting to start his 14 year prison sentence at the zoo.  That’s seems reasonable since he is a career politician and being around politicians all the time is like being in the zoo.

Obama’s new energy policy is to conserve HIS OWN energy.  That’s why he’s spending so much time watching the NCAA basketball tournament and playing golf.

Last week Dick Cheney cancelled a trip to Canada because it was too dangerous.  They wouldn’t let him take his waterboarding supplies on the plane so he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to tame those raucous Canadians.

Reportedly, there is an economic recovery that has already started.  So the next time you put gas in your car, please let them know about this “recovery” at the gas station.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Other Phrases Never Before Said By Mitt Romney

10.”Where my pimps at?”

9.”Ah, that’s enough hair gel”

8.”This brisket is so good I could plotz”

7.”Man, ‘The Late Show’ is hilarious tonight”

6.”Let’s scour Craigslist for some free couches”

5.”I try to eat some cold cereal at the end of the day, and a full tummy, and a long day puts me to bed” (Sorry, I’m being told Mitt has said this)

4.”We can’t lay people off, it’s Christmas!”

3.”I think the dog would be more comfortable inside the car”

2.”Only if you insist, I’ll sing”

1.”Tell the chef not to bother warming my nuts”

Top Ten Signs You’re A Terrible Singer

10.Your CD is in a bin labeled, “Crap for a Quarter”

9.You sing like the Mets play baseball

8.Amnesty International is begging you to stop

7.People who say that “You’ve got great pipes” are referring to your actual plumbing

6.Verse, chorus, wet cough, verse, chorus, hacking wet cough

5.A church choir tries to trade you to another church choir

4.Your album warning label reads: “Caution: Do Not Play”

3.Your neighbors always ask if you’ve been trying to breed cats

2.You’re this guy (Mitt Romney singing)

1.Instead of iTunes, you’re on iSuck

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Will Ferrell’s Mind Just Before Appearing On The Late Show

10.”Ahhh, the Vicodin is kicking in”

9.”Do I look too handsome?”

8.”That pre-show jambalaya was a bad idea”

7.”Will this help me get an appearance on Leno?”

6.”Gotta practice: 3, 2, 1, fake smile”

5.”Don’t be obvious plugging the film, ‘Casa De Mi Padre’ in theaters March 16th”

4.”Ok, 3, 2, 1, fake laugh”

3.”Lady…I’m your knight in shining armor, and I love you”

2.”God, look at Dave — so sexy — I just want to run my hands along his body — Will, focus!”

1.”Did I remember to wear pants?”

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel:

Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It’s not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office? –Jay Leno

Not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish out bin Laden and shoot him all over again. –Jay Leno

A new CBS poll found that 80 percent of Americans say they are not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20 percent own gas stations. –Jay Leno

A Harvard study says that one out of 10 deaths are caused by red meat. You know what that really means? Nine of those 10 people were killed by vegetables. –Jay Leno

A new study says if you eat meat — like hamburgers and hot dogs — it will kill you. So next time you go to a ballpark, do yourself a favor and try the trout. You can’t beat ballpark trout. –David Letterman

How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he’s leading in chins. –David Letterman

St. Patrick’s Day — what better way to honor Ireland’s greatest saint than to sit on a curb wearing a plastic derby and vomiting in the street. –David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. It was 75 and cloudy. It was so nice today that the carjackers were coming in through the sunroof. –David Letterman

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims. –Craig Ferguson

Do we have any college basketball fans here tonight? The play-in round of March Madness finished up tonight. Tomorrow the tournament gets started for real with 36 games in four days, followed by St. Patrick’s Day. What they’re calling madness in reality might just be alcohol poisoning. –Jimmy Kimmel

The NCAA college basketball tournament is one of the biggest events in sports. CBS will take in more than $600 million of ad revenue over three weeks. Of that, the players receive — what’s 0 percent of $600 million? –Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Santorum has been on a roll lately. CNN came up with a clever word for this — Santorumentum. Are they serious? It sounds like something you put under your nose or the name of a drug. –Jimmy Kimmel

Bothered by irregularity? Constipation? Santorumentum — the twice-a-day medication, not covered by Obamacare. Consult Jesus before taking any medication. –Jimmy Kimmel

Drug users in San Francisco have now formed a drug user’s union. So look for the union label when you’re buying crack. –Jay Leno

Actually, the drug users are really different now that they’ve formed a union. Now one guy smokes crack and four other guys stand around watching. –Jay Leno

Police across the country say there’s been a spike in criminals stealing Tide laundry detergent. So I guess all those commercials that say it cleans blood stains are really paying off. –Jay Leno

If you steal Tide laundry detergent, would that be considered a white-collar crime? –Jay Leno

How about the weather — 72 degrees outside. I’ll tell you know why it’s so warm. Remember Sunday? We turned our thermometers ahead. –David Letterman

You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for “Mittens.” –David Letterman

This was the day in 1781 when we discovered the planet Uranus. Sir William Herschel first observed it. I don’t think Uranus would be great to visit. It shines brightly, but it’s ice cold, pale white, and very distant. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. –Craig Ferguson

The planet furthest away from the sun used to be Pluto. But apparently it wasn’t good enough. In 2006, Pluto was downgraded. It’s now a dwarf planet, which I think is insensitive. “Little People Planet” would be fine. –Craig Ferguson

When I found out Pluto wasn’t a planet, I had to relearn everything I knew about Pluto. Luckily, the only thing I knew about Pluto was that it was a planet. –Craig Ferguson

Asteroids are dull pieces of rock. There are tons of them, and they’re in all shapes and sizes. That’s why scientists refer to them as Kardashians of the solar system. –Craig Ferguson

Tonight is night one of the NCAA basketball tournament. March Madness officially begins tonight. Don’t forget to set your wallet back 20 bucks. –Jimmy Kimmel

Like most places of business, we have an office pool here at the show. We have an office pool where we bet who will win the office pool. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama was at one of the games at Dayton, Ohio, tonight. He brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It’s part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here, and then in July the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot. –Jimmy Kimmel

They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers. –Jay Leno

President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn’t blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died. –Jay Leno

Romney’s birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it’s a national holiday. –Jay Leno

How about that Rush Limbaugh? It was nice for me to see somebody else apologizing for something for a change. –David Letterman

Don’t kid yourself, Rush is in a lot of trouble. He’s down to two national sponsors. You know what they are? One is Crisco, and the other is Hostess Twinkies. –David Letterman

With daylight-saving time, we lose an hour of our lives. It’s like a Kardashian marriage. –David Letterman

Not only do I lose the hour when you monkey with the clock, I lose another hour trying to find the nail to put it back on the wall. –David Letterman

You know when it comes to organic food, the USDA is very tough. You can’t have anything that ends in “eetos.”

In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side. –Craig Ferguson

I actually tried to grow my own food but I can’t find any Twinkie seeds. –Craig Ferguson

For me, whatever time we save for daylight-saving time is offset by the 45 minutes it takes me to figure out how to reset the clock on the microwave. –Jimmy Kimmel

I don’t condone jumping ahead in time in any form, unless it involves a DeLorean, stolen plutonium, and a soundtrack by Huey Lewis. –Jimmy Kimmel

Larry King announced he’ll be hosting a new daily talk show online. Really, the only place Larry should be online is for the early bird special at Golden Corral. –Jimmy Kimmel

The format of the show will be a little bit different from his TV show. The plan is to make it an hour of Larry staring into a webcam wondering if it’s turned on and if anyone can hear him. –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some jokes by actor and stand up comedian Dane Cook:

Peace’ is when you would shake the hands of all the people around you. The only reason you knew ‘peace’ was coming was ’cause the priest would say, ‘Peace,’ like five times, rapid fire. You’d hear him; he’d be, like, ‘And the peaceful disciples said, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you as we ate Reese’s Pieces with the Lord.” And he said, “I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye.”‘

You know what you were doing while [the priest] was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you’re like, ‘No, f**k that guy.’

First job I had: Burger King. My brother got me the job; he was the manager. And you think that’d be cool, right? ‘Cause he’s my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the burger king.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

Comedy crowds — we always want to come out and ask you, ‘How you feeling?’ We always say that, ‘By a round of applause, how do you feel?’ Right? ‘By a round of applause, how you feeling?’ It’s the only place in the world that you judge how you’re feeling by a round of applause… There’s never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over — ‘Ma’am! Ma’am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause — she’s not clapping!’

I want to be an alien. The movie ‘Aliens’ — isn’t that the best, those aliens? You don’t mess with those aliens. They’re bad-ass looking. They’re always wet and sh*t. You don’t mess with that. If I got on the subway like that, you wouldn’t mess with me.

Here’s how you know that you’re really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant… but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

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