After President Obama wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater last week with his singing voice the producers of American Idol invited him to sing on their show next year.  The timing couldn’t be better because he expects to have a lot of time on his hands after the election.

Newt Gingrich still feels he has a shot in this election.  He figures he should not only be a favorite with fat Americans, but also of divorced Americans, which between the two has to cover about 90% of the population.

Newt is touting himself as a regular guy, a sort of “every man.”  I don’t know if he is every man but as fat as he is he could definitely pass for two or three of them.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked friends and family to pray for her husband, Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  He’s already won 3 Super Bowls and he’s married to a supermodel.  That’s like asking people to pray for Mitt Romney to make more money.

The labor department announced that the economy created 243,000 new jobs last month.  Unfortunately, none of them were in the US.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a study has shown that nagging is the number one cause for divorce in the US.  The number two cause was when injury caused by men ignore the nagging.

Taco Bell is being investigated in a salmonella outbreak that sickened 68 people in 10 states.  A Taco Bell spokesman said, “What’s the big deal? That’s way below our average…Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward!”

Last week was Groundhog Day.  The groundhog saw his shadow so it looks like we’ll have 6 more weeks of Republican primaries.

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  Interestingly, his former profession was boxer, but his career was brief because he liked to chase women who wore thongs.

According to a report 60% of Miami residents are miserable.  Coincidentally, this survey was done during a week when Miami stores were having a hard time getting deliveries of “Depends.”

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Top Ten Super Bowl Fun Facts

10.Before Gatorade, players dumped bouillabaisse on their coaches

9.This year, every commercial will feature a sneezing monkey

8.Super Bowl II was played on shag carpeting

7.No team trailing at the end of the fourth quarter has ever won a Super Bowl

6.Officials at the first Super Bowl were dressed as Zorro

5.Every Super Bowl is decided a week in advance by NFL spokesman Greg Aiello

4.Super Bowl MVP Larry Csonka appeared in the film, “Larry Csonka and the Chocolate Factory”

3.Mike Ditka is only person to win Super Bowl as a player, coach and cheerleader

2.Due to football shortage, Super Bowl XXXII was played with mangoes

1.Pat Nixon slept with every member of the 1972 Miami Dolphins backfield

Top Ten Sound Effects

10.Doorbell

9.German Grandma

8.Slide Whistle

7.Dog on Mitt Romney’s car (Frightened yelping, horn honking)

6.Seal (Matt Damon making seal sound)

5.Bacon sizzling or Shower

4.Glass crash (Tom Hanks making glass crash sound effects)

3.Crowd at New York Knicks game (Booing)

2.Kitty (Dave making kitty sound effects)

1.The sound of people watching at home (Snoring)

Top Ten Things Staffers Would Like To Say To Dave On His 30th Anniversary In Late Night

10.”I stopped watching in ‘92″
(Jay Johnson)

9.”One of these days we’ll figure out how to kill you and make it look like an accident”
(Biff Henderson)

8.”My therapist says I have Stockholm syndrome”
(Kathy Mavrikakis)

7.”I will not be berated this way — go f**k yourself”
(Jude Brennan)

6.”My family thinks I work at Walgreens”
(Will Lee)

5.”Thirty years — we’ve never met”
(Barbara Gaines)

4.”Hey Grandpa, shove it up your ass”
(Sue Hum)

3.”You’re incompetent”
(Rob Burnett)

2.”I’ve always loved you, now and forever”
(Rick Scheckman)

1.”I’ve got nothing to say to that prick”
(Paul Shaffer)

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket

10.”Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9.”Have I recently divorced either Kobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?”

8.”Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7.”Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6.”Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5.”Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4.”For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3.”If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2.”Will I forever be known as ‘The Ass—- who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1.”Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”

Top Ten Other Newt Gingrich “Big Ideas”

10.A Milk Dud the size of a basketball

9.More awards shows

8.New iPhone app called “Angry Jowls”

7.Ban people from calling something “awesome” unless it actually inspires awe

6.Fill Grand Canyon with custard; rename it Grand Cannoli

5.Diapers on horses

4.You’ve heard of the five-blade razor? How ’bout the six-blade razor?

3.Free donuts?

2.End the decade-long conflict between Elton John and Madonna

1.Open marriages for people named Newt

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When Obama was at Disney World last week he went into one of their stores.  As he was leaving one of the clerks said to him, “Mr. President, you have to pay for the Mickey Mouse ears…oh, sorry, never mind.”

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of al-Qaeda magazine.  It was the issue where Barbara Walters interviewed the ten most interesting terrorists of the years.

KC of KC and the Sunshine Band had a birthday this week.  Not that he’s getting old, but now when he does a little dance, he can no longer make a little love, because he’s got to sit down tonight….and rest.

According to a University of Michigan study, talking about sex is as important to a relationship as having sex.  Unless, since 40% of men now have moobs, or male breasts, they get into comparing breast size with their wives….then it’s not the best.

Last weekend in Oakland 400 “Occupy protesters” were arrested for throwing rocks bottles and starting fires.  Police are theorizing that it’s been so long since an Oakland sports team won a championship that rioters had to find something else to riot about.

A woman in Iowa gave birth to a baby boy weighing 13 lbs. and 13 ounces.  So, now American youth aren’t even waiting to get out of the womb to get fat.

Mitt Romney says he’s not from Washington and that’s why he should be elected President.  Great, since he’s not from there he’s going to end up taking even more vacations than Obama does.

Romney also said about not being from Washington, that he’s lived on the real streets of America…the ones paved with gold.

A hospital worker from Logan, Utah was arrested for having sex with an unconscious woman in the hospital he worked at.  He told police he just made a mistake.  After he touched her between the legs and she didn’t move, he was sure it was his wife so he thought it was okay to have sex with her.

President Obama announced a new energy plan.  He’s going to vacation more and conserve his energy until he finds out who his opponent in the election will be so he knows who to attack.

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I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the couch, right? My dog’s licking himself, right? I’m touching myself, right? We catch each other’s eyes — we both start laughing.

I know what women like. I know you’re looking at me, thinking, ‘How does he know?’ I know. I know what they like: lots and lots of attention. You might call it stalking, but they love it… They’ll try to fool you with a restraining order.

You know what I like to do on a night like this? Sit in my apartment playing my favorite apartment game: find the smell.

Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any new business with the Ku Klux Klan? ‘Well, we do hate everybody, right? OK, see you next week.’

Men like looking at breasts, especially the cleavage. The cleavage! Thrusting it out at me, making me do things, making me listen to you — it’s crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t walk around with half a testicle hanging out, can I?

I only have one grandpa. We call him Grandpa Alive.

I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Sparklers are the gay cousin of the firework family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends have M-80s, bottle rockets, sticks of dynamite — they’re blowing stuff up, having fun; I’m walking around like the Special Olympics torch boy.

I had a dream I was trapped in an elevator with Michael Bolton, Kenny G and Yanni, and I had a gun with one bullet. Now, what do you do? I blew my head off, that’s what I did.

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House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them. –Conan O’Brien

Olive Garden announced they’re undergoing a makeover to try to increase business. They’re so desperate they’re even considering serving Italian food. –Conan O’Brien

A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, “I’ll be there in five teachers.” –Conan O’Brien

What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address last night in Washington, D.C. Did the Supreme Court justices really need to wear their robes to that? –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a new episode of “American Idol” on tonight. Tonight’s auditions were held in aspen. Where else better to find talent than a snowbound town that’s 400 miles by icy road to the nearest city? ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook users probably know, in September, the site unveiled the Facebook profile page, which they call “timeline.” Or more fittingly, “waste of timeline.” ? –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s revolutionary because it allows your friends and co-workers to see drunken photographs of you, not just from last night, but from any point in your existence. ? –Jimmy Kimmel

Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned$42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney. –Conan O’Brien

Google Plus has introduced a new policy that allows nicknames. Unfortunately, it’s a nickname they give you based on your search history. –Conan O’Brien

Here in California, some Starbucks stores have begun selling beer and wine. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, “Because sober people don’t buy Michael Buble CDs.” –Conan O’Brien

Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It’s his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations. –Jimmy Kimmel

There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic. –Jimmy Kimmel

Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love. –Jimmy Kimmel

Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny it is actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney. –Jay Leno

The San Francisco subway system was shut down when some idiot drove an SUV into a subway tunnel. Boy, that Italian cruise ship captain is having a bad week. –Jay Leno

More details are coming out about the Italian cruise ship disaster. It seems the chef on board the ship says the captain ordered dinner after the crash. And here’s the worst part — he ordered it to go. –Jay Leno

That guy has brought more shame to the Italian people than Olive Garden. –Jay Leno

President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck. –David Letterman

I find it fascinating that your average automobile has a better navigation system than an Italian cruise ship. –David Letterman

That Italian captain is a regular Sully Sullenberger, isn’t he? Instead of landing a plane on water, he landed a ship on rocks. –David Letterman

President Obama wants to remind Americans of the things he has taken care of — bin Laden, adios. Gadhafi, bye-bye. And Regis is gone. –David Letterman

President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones. –Jimmy Kimmel

During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements. –Jimmy Kimmel

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One. –Jimmy Fallon

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops. . –Jimmy Fallon

The Baltimore Ravens will travel to New England to take on the Patriots. When asked if they were excited for the game, quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.” . –Jimmy Fallon

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama’s economic adviser. –Jay Leno

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential duties. –Jay Leno

You know why President Obama chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better. –Jay Leno

A McDonald’s restaurant had a rat hopping around on the hamburger buns. They were quick to apologize. They said the rat was supposed to be in the fries. –David Letterman

I saw the videotape of the rat hopping around on the buns. The rat is wearing a hair net, so . . –David Letterman

Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama’s a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago. –Jimmy Fallon

Next week Obama will visit Iowa, Arizona, Las Vegas, Denver, and Detroit. Not because he’s campaigning, just because all he could afford was a Southwest flight with a bunch of layovers. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that 68 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. While the rest are both. –Jimmy Fallon

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To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren’t bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, ‘Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that’s ribbed with feathers, two feet long and…

Did you hear there’s a stealth condom? That’s what it’s called. It’s called the stealth condom. Now how many guys are going to go out and buy a stealth condom? How many guys want to get in and out without anyone knowing they were there?

Have you ever been to someone else’s home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can’t yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, ‘Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I’d hate to use all their cotton balls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they’ve read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty…’

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I’d like to ask my wife. Little things like, ‘Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a remote control?’

Now that I’m married, I’m being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, ‘Do you think I’m fat?’ I said, ‘Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see “stupid jackass” written on my face?”

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According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs.  Appropriately, the code name they had for the plan was “Goofy.”

According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese.  So, if California ever does fall into the ocean we’ll know why.

Wikipedia was voluntarily down for a day last week in protest of proposed laws for anti-piracy.  So, for that day you had to go to another source if you wanted misinformation about a topic.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage.  I don’t think that’s different than most politicians.  He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.

A human head was found near the famous Hollywood sign in Hollywood hills.  Parts of the brain were missing so police were pretty certain that it was a local resident rather than a tourist.

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Last week a woman took her 5 year-old son along with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she had no money for a baby sitter and that’s why she was robbing the bank.

Newt Gingrich overheard a newsman reporting about the election saying, “The stakes were very high.”  Newt’s reaction was, “Steaks?  I’ll have three, well done.”

Chris Christie had harsh words about Newt Gingrich’s past record.  One reporter called it putting a knife into Newt’s back.  Naturally, Christie would have saved the fork for himself because he was going to lunch right afterword – hey, fat guys gotta eat.

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Top Ten Revelations In The Interview With Newt Gingrich’s Ex-Wife

10.He keeps getting married just for the cake

9.Their towels were monogrammed “His” and “Current Wife’s”

8.Newt has a revolving account at Dairy Queen

7.He never leaves home without a set of blank divorce papers

6.He was born in Kenya

5.In college, he broke into primate testing facility and was scratched by an infectious Rhesus Monkey

4.Like a boa constrictor, he squeezes his food to death and swallows it whole

3.Newt was once briefly married to Kris Humphries

2.His body is featured in Jenny Craig “before” photos

1.He once had sex with a vending machine

Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky

10.Answers all questions with, “So’s your mother”

9.Offered Santorum a ten thousand vote head start in South Carolina primary

8.He’s forwarding his mail to the White House – Wow, that’s cocky

7.Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy

6.Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC

5.Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry’s campaign

4.Now spelling “Mittt” with three T’s

3.Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and “making it rain”

2.Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico

1.Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

10.”Who’s Jon Huntsman?”

9.”Is he the rich boring white guy, or the other rich boring white guy?”

8.”Seriously, who’s Jon Huntsman?”

7.”You mean my tax attorney? Oh wait, that’s Stan Huntsman”

6.”Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious”

5.”So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry”

4.”It’s like Jon Huntsman said…Well, actually, I have no idea what he said”

3.”Hey honey, some guy I’ve never heard of is dropping out of the race”

2.”He should have Tebowed more”

1.”Now who’s gonna lose to Obama in the general election?”

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Illinois passed a new law that allows people to eat road kill they find on the highway.  Taco Bell was like, “Oh great, another competitor for our meat source.”

Newt Gingrich has an excellent chance to be our next President because he has so much in common with many Americans, being overweight like he is.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city.  It could be because they are just a little behind the times there.  When people were asked if they were gay they just thought they meant happy.

The homosexuals of San Francisco response was, “We think Salt Lake City is nice but San Francisco is FABULOUS.”

It looks more and more like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential candidate.  He’s feeling more confident too.  His new campaign slogan is, “I’m as good as it gets, deal with it.”

Michelle Obama was being interviewed by CBS’s Gayle King and was asked about being characterized as an “angry black woman.”  Michelle’s response was, “If I hear that characterization one more time I’m gonna kick some ass.”

I saw a headline this week that said “Nancy Pelosi defending Barney Frank and discussing her feelings about Anthony Weiner.”  Frank and Weiner?  Is it me or is Nancy Pelosi subliminally setting us up for her retirement when she plans to open a hot dog stand?

A new study says that America’s obesity rate is down.  Trouble is they left out part of the phrase.  It should have read it was “down the toilet,” which gives it a whole new meaning.

Authorities arrested a man in North Carolina after his neighbor caught him having sex with her 60 lb. dog.  The man claimed his neighbor must be some kind of a pervert for having watched it.

In China, an Apple store couldn’t open because of safety concerns with a mob of people waiting outside to buy the iPhone 4S.  When they didn’t open the crowd pelted the store with eggs.  People in China are already stocking up on eggs in anticipation of the release of iPhone 5.

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Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself

10.Huh?

9.Do I smell grilled onions?

8.Where my dawgs at?

7.Is my poodle spending too much time surfing the Internet?

6.Seriously, where in the world is Matt Lauer?

5.What kind of name is Viggo?

4.Cake or pie?

3.Why does everybody hate me?

2.What would Tim Tebow do?

1.Why isn’t Number One on the Top Ten List ever funny?

Top Ten Things Kim Jong-Un Wants To Accomplish As Supreme Commander of North Korea

10.Free citizens from decades of Communist oppression – I’m just kidding, settle down

9.Hit on Katy Perry

8.The most important thing is for everyone to have fun

7.Use my clout to get “Book of Mormon” tickets

6.Fill my dad’s tiny shoes

5.Sit on my ass drinking Mountain Dew

4.Appear in ABC’s new cross-dressing sitcom “Work It” – that show is hilarious

3.Never let anyone find out I’m really a sixy-seven-year-old white guy from Nutley, New Jersey

2.Find more time to Pyong my Yang – wow, he did not just say that!

1.You know, the usual – torture, mass starvation, nuclear proliferation

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Tim Tebow

10.Fell to Earth after his home planet Krypton exploded

9.Throws left, prays right

8.For breakfast has Icy Hot on toast

7.If you tell him your street address, he’ll tell you the value of your home

6.Currently ninth on the Kim Kardashian athlete waiting List

5.Back in college, threw a football twenty yards!

4.One time, lost his temper and said “Darn it!”

3.Distracts defenders by flashing his beautiful, piercing blue eyes

2.Justin Bieber fans have “Bieber Fever”; Tim Tebow fans have “The Tebola Virus”

1.Can turn water into Gatorade

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