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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians.  Many are still off this week but we have Jay Leno, Craig Ferguson and David Letterman:

“Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven’t we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!” –Jay Leno

“Before President Obama’s address, he called former President George W. Bush. I’m not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect.” –Jay Leno

“I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he’s been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, ‘You too?’” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama said he can’t walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii.” –Jay Leno

“Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel.” –Jay Leno

“I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance.” –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address”

10. “Gotta keep this short because I’m going on another vacation”
9. “Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!”
8. “Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?”
7. “Tonight’s Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages”
6. “Kneel before General Zod!”
5. “Now I’d like to share a poignant story about Frank Sinatra”
4. “Earlier today I met with Vice President, Secretary of State, and Late Show audio technician Tom Herrmann”
3. “CAA sent over lunch. There are steaks and sandwiches in the conference room”
2. “Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!”
1. “Just like most of America, I’d rather be watching ‘Glee’”

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There is a never ending supply of Obama humor because he helps the comedians make it so easy.  Here are some of the best Obama jokes from Late Night.

”President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won’t be easy; and third, that it’s all President Bush’s fault.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.” —Craig Ferguson

”Did you see this on ‘60 Minutes’ last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy’s bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food.” —Jimmy Fallon

”Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated.” —Stephen Colbert

”A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim — 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he’s, quote, ‘doing many of the things that Hitler did.’ And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know.” — David Letterman

”You know, it’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn’t that amazing? It’s a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.” —Jay Leno

”Here’s some good news. Barack Obama announced he’s bringing home troops from Iraq. That’s right. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? A year ago.” —Jimmy Fallon

”President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” —Jay Leno

”Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama’s, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.” —Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some funny observations based on the happenings in the news from the last week:

Ben Bernake has pledged to fight deflation but he basically said he has no idea how.  So he has been seen wearing boxing gloves and wandering around looking for some girl named Dee Flation.  Richard Nixon became famous for the line, “I am not a crook.”  Bernake is likely to be known for the line, “I am not an economist.”  In fact, he so much has no idea of what he is doing that he is thinking of retiring and becoming an executive for BP oil.

Miners in Chile’ are trapped in a mine and officials there are saying it will take months to get them out.  So, apparently the BP oil execs and engineers have been transferred to Chile’.

Male teachers in Milwaukee are up in arms because their health benefits are no longer going to cover Viagra.  At the same time the female students at the school who were having trouble getting passing grades are breathing a sigh of relief.

John Lennon’s toilet went on sale this last weekend at a Beatle’s convention in Liverpool, England.  You can bet Liverpool was flush with stories about that.  It sold for over $14,000 so you can bet the guy who bought that has a good head for business.  (Whew!  I feel relieved getting those toilet puns out of my system and, frankly, I’d have been pissed if I hadn’t.)

There is a car being developed that will be powered by urine.  This is seen to be a real boon to the beer industry.

Obama has said in a recent interview that he is not worried about all the rumors that he is Muslim and accusations that he wasn’t born in the US.  He was quoted as saying, “I can’t spend all my time with  my birth certificate plastered to my forehead.”  But maybe he could stuff it in his mouth or at least use it to cover the teleprompter when he talks so that we don’t have to hear about any more hope and change.  Too much more of his change and the country will be bankrupt.  (A little too much truth there to be very funny.  Sorry about that, so I’ll do one more.)

There is talk about doing a male version of The View.  In that show I guess you’ll have men sitting around burping, farting, cussing and watching sports while drinking beer and telling jokes about women.  What else would it be?

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In honor of the school season getting back into full swing here are some school jokes I found on the Internet:

Back to School Joke:

Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!; couldn’t you show me the same courtesy?”
LETTERMAN’S

Top Ten Signs You Are Headed For Summer School

10. You failed the Pledge of Allegiance

9. You take notes with the eraser end of the pencil

8. You identify more than half of the state capitals as “Funkytown”

7. Principal’s final words before summer break: “See you tomorrow”

6. For your civics class project, you brought in several photos of Honda Civics

5. Whenever you enter the room, your family stops talking about Disneyland

4. Your history report was on President Martin Sheen

3. In your physics final, you keep referring to “gravity” as “gravy”

2. Latest report card includes several G’s

1. You threw a phone at the principal
Teacher Circulation Joke

A well-intentioned teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clear, she explains, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” responds the class.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

The answer then comes from the back of the class, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
One for all those that hate math class:

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

Not really a school joke, but we’ll call it a history lesson:

Over five thousand years ago,  Moses said to the children of Israel ”
pick up your shovel, mount your asses  and camels, and I will lead you to
the promised land”.

Nearly 75 years  ago, Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up  a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

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Most of the late night shows were in reruns this week so except for the first few jokes from David Letterman from this week the rest are some funny jokes I picked out from the last few months:

“President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up.” –David Letterman

“They’re vacationing at the beach. He’s down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation.” –David Letterman

“President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide.” –David Letterman

”Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, ‘Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.”’—Jimmy Fallon

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” —Jay Leno

”In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.” —Conan O’Brien

”There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” —Craig Ferguson

”It’s a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she’ll probably quit after a year.” —Craig Ferguson

”I understand it’s not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he’s ever come to wearing protection of any kind.” —Jay Leno, on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s wedding

”It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.” —Jon Stewart

”During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and now, ‘My daughters are both available.”’ —Jimmy Fallon

”BP’s company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they’re talking about immigration reform, it looks like they’ve ended ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ and they’re legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if you’re a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year of your life.” —Jay Leno

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Here are some very funny Rodney Dangerfield jokes:

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

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It’s time for another episode of taking a look at how things could be much worse than they really are when you compare your situation to  that of some others.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be Roger Clemens, former baseball player indicted for lying to Congress about steroid use, and you thought since you were among the biggest group of liars on the planet that it was okay to lie, but then you found out you have to be a congressman for it to be okay to lie to Congress.

It could be worse, you could be a Nigerian businessman and you e-mail people telling them you need their bank account information to help get millions of dollars out of your country, and even in this economy you can’t find anybody stupid enough to fall for that scheme.

It could be worse, you could be Ben Bernake, Barack Obama, and Timothy Geither and you are actually so stupid, economically, that you fall for the scheme with the Nigerian businessman as a quick fix to handling the economy.

It could be worse you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper and she has started seeing  Ronald McDonald because she likes his Big Mac. (Sorry, I’ve done that joke before in “It Could Be Worse” but I tweaked it a little so I could justify using it again because I get such a big kick out of it.  Who knows, I may use it again next time too.)

It could be worse, you could be ready to retire and you make a list of all the things you want to do when you retire and you realize you can never afford to retire.  (Okay, that one may be a little too real to be considered humor, but it stays anyway as evidence of how badly the politicians have screwed up the economy.)

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton out to support the protest of GoTopLess.org proclaiming the woman’s constitutional right to go topless in public and you get such a bad infection in both eyes that you have to stay indoors and wear eye patches on both eyes.

It could be worse, you could be holding a charisma contest and the top candidates to win the thing are Al Gore and Harry Reid.

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This is a joke someone sent to me and its not new but it’s funny and in the male/female genre:

A student asked his teacher, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether a computer
should be  masculine or  feminine.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine
gender, because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon,Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Kimmel.

“After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“He could get up to five years, though that’s very unlikely. He’ll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine Rod Blagojevich in a prison jumpsuit? He’d look like a traffic cone with a Koosh ball on top.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“According to the Wall Street Journal, there is a growing movement among Democrats to replace Joe Biden as VP with Hillary Clinton in 2012. Do you realize that if that happens, for the first time Hillary will be directly under a president.” –Jay Leno

“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Fertility clinics in England say they are facing a nationwide donor shortage and are looking for international sperm donors. Finally a job Levi Johnston is actually qualified for.” –Jay Leno

“According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won’t be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won’t meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem.” –Jay Leno

“The White House is defending President Obama’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, the Obamas are thinking about taking their next vacation in the United States.” –Jay Leno

“In ‘The Expendables,’ Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood.” –Craig Ferguson

“Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor.” –Craig Ferguson

“When Schwarzenegger heard the title ‘The Expendables,’ he thought it was in reference to California’s teachers.” –Craig Ferguson

“Al-Jazeera’s English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, ‘Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?’” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some more Joe Biden jokes from the late night comedians since he has been the Vice President.

“Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden’s head.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama says his daughters will take care of the dog, but who picks up the dog’s poop after the kids go to sleep? Well, that duty will fall on a low-level employee with nothing else to do. Joe Biden’s going to be cleaning up.” –Craig Ferguson

The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion. Bo arrived just in time, because Sasha and Malia were getting tired of throwing Frisbees at Joe Biden.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Today was Joe Biden’s first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can’t say anything stupid.” –Craig Ferguson

“Late last night, Sen. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of these United States. And even if you are a Republican or a member of one of the small crazy people parties, you could find something to be happy about, whether it’s that we have our first-ever African-American president or even that we have our first vice president with hair plugs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I’m gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn’t give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn’t change when they asked him about his hair plugs.” –Jay Leno

“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the ‘full package,’ that’s what she called him, that’s the actual term she used, she called him the ‘full package.’ Now he’s getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig.” –Jay Leno

“Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, the Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can’t expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney, okay?” –Jay Leno

“In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he’d rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he’d rather be home making love to Joe Biden’s wife too.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe’s popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At this rate, he could win the nomination by the year 2032.” –Jay Leno

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