With Halloween just a few days away it got me to wondering about a lot of things.  The main thought that keeps buzzing around in my head is what does someone like Frankenstein dress up as on Halloween?

There are many ideas about where the Halloween tradition started.  One theory is that some farmers got together because these plants called pumpkins were growing wild in their fields and stifling all the other plants.  They figured they had to do something about this and they were all sitting around outside of a barn looking all depressed with very long faces when a witch flew by on her broom to feed her black cat that she kept on the farm.  She saw the farmers and said to them, “You know, if you let your face stay like that for too long it’ll stick and it will look like you’re wearing a mask.”  (She was a motherly witch.)

They told her that was really stupid and asked her what she wanted there.  She told them she was there to feed her black cat but also she wanted to know if any of the farmers were growing cocoa because she wanted to start a candy factory.

They said that it was ridiculous for a witch to start a candy factory and they couldn’t grow cocoa because of all the stupid pumpkins.  She told them she’d take the pumpkins off their hands if they’d grow some cocoa and they struck a deal and Halloween was born…Naw! I’m just kidding.  It’s obvious there was no truth to that story because it had no sugar.

Here’s the real story.  (It must be true because I got at least one of these fact off the Internet.)   The history of Halloween goes back over 2,000 years.  The earliest Halloween celebrations were by Celtic people, most notably Larry Bird and Bill Russell.  They worshipped a Sun God, I’m thinking this was Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns, because he is a future Hall of Famer.  They celebrated their New Year on November 1st.  This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death.  There was most likely an NBA strike going on back then too, because it is coincidentally when The NBA normally starts and the people needed something to fill in their time because baseball season was over and the NFL only plays on Sunday.

They would then perform ceremonies through the night and wear costumes such as animal heads and skins which was not only the forerunner to Halloween costumes but also to sports team mascots like the San Diego Chicken and the Phillie Phanatic.

They would sit around the fire and make predictions about the future.  People would make bets on these predictions and some of them would be fixed to favor the house and that was the beginnings of bookies.

About 1,000 AD they combined Halloween with a celebration called Soul Day.  The founder of Nike was not a good speller and thought it was Sole day so he founded his sneaker company.

There you have it.  I’m sure you were not expecting something so educational when you started reading this and I’ll bet very few people knew there was such a close relationship between Halloween and the sports world.

darnfunnyonline.com

Today the darfunnyonline guest advice columnist, Dear Crabby, will spew her venom… ur, uh, I mean give some advice concerning questions our readers have about Halloween.

Thank you, Steve, you witless drone.  And now that he is gone let me say to him, “bite me.”  And I don’t mean in that sexy, Halloweenish, vampire type way, but just in the meanest sense of the word.

I’m still here Crabby.

And you are still a witless drone that can bite me.

Whatever.

Even if he’s not gone I at least got him to shut up enough to get onto the good stuff…my advice. So here we go with the first question from one of our readers:

Dear Crabby,

My wife wants to dress up in a very sexy Halloween costume for the party we are going to.  I think it’s too much and I’m a little embarrassed by it.  Do you think I should tell her my feelings?

Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned Husband,

Quit being a wimp.  I’m going to go out on  a limb here and guess that you will be going to the party as something more like the Pillsbury Doughboy instead of an Oscar Mayer Weiner, which means you are more likely to give your wife a yeast infection than satisfy her in bed.  We girls liked to get turned on sometimes so why don’t you try a little less of the former and go with the Weiner, as it were.

Crabby

(Steve’s note:  It’s hard to imagine Crabby as either a girl or getting turned on…yeah, I don’t even want to think about it.)

(Crabby note:  Can it, jokeless wonder, onto the next question.)

Dear Crabby,

My kids really want to go trick or treating but I think it’s an archaic tradition that should not be encouraged for so many reasons that I won’t even go into here.  What advice can you give me?

Mother of Rightness

Dear Mother of Rightness,

First of all, thanks for not going into your reasons to not go trick or treating. Yes, I can give you some advice.  I think you actually should go trick or treating with your kids.  You could go as a patient in a proctologist’s office because your ass cheeks are apparently so tight it has created a magnetic effect and caused numerous objests to get stuck up their.  Lighten up a little and let your kids have a little fun.  Trust me, you won’t get an allergic reaction to fun if it’s in the air.

Also, I’m pretty sure your husband would be sending me a present if I was able to get you to loosen up a little. Either that or I suggest you hook up with the guy in the first letter and couples switch with him and his wife, and you and he can be prudes together.  Then everybody wins!

Crabby

Okay, we have time for one more letter…

No Crabby, it’s Steve…Your advice was so bad today that I can’t let you do another letter.

Oh, it’s you.  I see you you are already in your Halloween costume.  You’re going as a giant goober.  What are you talking about?  I gave great advice.

The only thing that was great was to confirm that people should do the opposite of what you advise.

Well, if people should do the opposite of what I tell them let me adise you to live a long, happy life, starting immediately!

darnfunnyonline.com

This was something I had posted 2 years ago at Halloween and since it is that season again I’m posting it again.

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you’re kinky.

3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don’t get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

darnfunnyonline.com