• There’s no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out. ~ Sam Kinison

• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ~ George Carlin

• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin

• If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. ~ Sam Kinison

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I figure that’s why my boyfriend moved. ~ Christy Murphy

• Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. ~ Cher

• I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~Woody Allen

• Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. ~H. L. Mencken

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? ~ Bette Midler

• You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. ~ Lily Tomlin

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx

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