(A telephone rings, and Gracie, behind the cigar counter, picks up the phone)

Gracie: Hello. Oh hello, Mary, I was just going to call you. When are you giving me the surprise party?…Tuesday night…Sure I’ve got a new dress, I’m wearing it…What time Tuesday night?…Oh, you can’t tell me, that’s the surprise…. Sounds like fun. Tuesday night, don’t forget to be there…. Goodbye.

(She hangs up as a customer comes up to the counter)

Customer: I’ll have two of those cigars
Gracie: That’ll be twenty cents.
Customer: Here’s five dollars.

(She gives him the cigar and rings up the money)

Gracie: Anything else?
Customer: Yes, four-eighty.
Gracie: We haven’t got cigars for four-eighty.
Customer: Who wants cigars for four-eighty? I want two cigars for twenty cents.
Gracie: I think you’re silly to pay four-eighty for cigars that only cost twenty cents.
Customer: (Exasperated) Four-eighty! Twenty cents! I don’t want any cigars! Here’s your cigars, now give me back my five dollars!
Gracie: Oh, we never refund money, and besides you had no right to leave the counter before counting your change.
Customer: Leave the counter, count my change!! I didn’t leave the counter, I didn’t get any change!!
Gracie: Look, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had yesterday. I’m going to call the house detective.

(Calls)

Mr. Sweeney! Mr. Sweeney!
(Mr. Sweeney, a big, tall, burly man, enters)

Sweeney: Yes, Miss Allen, what is it?

(She gives him the two cigars)

Gracie: Here, have two cigars.
Sweeney: Oh, I couldn’t, Miss Allen.
Gracie: Take them, they’re paid for.

(He takes them)

Sweeney: Thanks. Now what’s the problem?
Gracie: Mr. Sweeney, this man bought two cigars for twenty cents and gave me five dollars. How much do I owe him?
Sweeney: Four dollars and eighty cents.
Gracie: And four-eighty from five dollars is what?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: And how much are two cigars at ten cents apiece?
Sweeney: Twenty cents.
Gracie: Then doesn’t that make us even?
Sweeney: Yes, I guess it does.
Gracie: Then throw this crook out….
Sweeney: Come on, get out of here.

(He drags the customer off)

Gracie: (Calling after him) I should have known yesterday I was going to have trouble with you today!

(George enters)

George: Hello, Gracie.
Gracie: Hello, George. Don’t forget the party Tuesday night.
George: Gracie, it’s supposed to be a surprise.
Gracie: Oh, you spoiled it for me….
George: I’m sorry. Let me have two cigars for twenty cents.

(He gives her twenty cents. She rings it up and gives him the cigars)

Gracie: Here’s your four-eighty change.
George: Gracie, you’re a little mixed up. I didn’t give you five dollars. I gave you twenty cents.
Gracie: Now, listen, am I going to have the same trouble with you I had with that other fellow?
George: Not with me. I can use four-eighty. I haven’t got a cent, I’m a pauper.
Gracie: You’re a what?
George: I’m a pauper.
Gracie: Oh, congratulations, boy or girl?
George: I really don’t know.
Gracie: Well, you better find out. Your brother will want to know if he’s an uncle or an aunt.
George: I’ll phone him when I get home…. Say, Gracie, do you know who you remind me of?
Gracie: I know, I was taken once for Clara Bow.
George: Well, that’s show business…. You were taken once for Clara Bow, and I was taken once for grand larceny.
Gracie: George, don’t be silly, you don’t look a bit like him….
George: He’s sort of a big, tall blond fellow.
Gracie: I know, and he’s a very good dancer.
George: Say, you’ve got a pretty nice job here.
Gracie: Job? I could have had two jobs. This one at ten dollars a week and another one at forty dollars a week.
George: Then why did you take this job?
Gracie: Because I figure that if I lose a ten-dollar job instead of a forty-dollar job, I’ll be saving thirty dollars.
George: Look, at thirty dollars a week, at the end of the year you’ll have saved yourself fifteen hundred dollars.
Gracie: Sure, if I’m out of work for ten years, I’ll have enough money to retire.
George:Do you mind if I change the subject?
Gracie: No, this is a free country.
George: That’s a nice dress you have on.
Gracie: I’m glad you like it. It’s my party dress for Tuesday night. My sisters, Jean and Alice, are going, too. They’re twins, you know.
George: I didn’t know you had twin sisters.
Gracie: They really should be triplets, because I think Alice is two-faced.
George:Do they look exactly alike?
Gracie: Oh, yeah.
George: Is it hard to tell them apart?
Gracie: Standing up or sitting down?
George:What difference does it make?
Gracie: Well, we noticed when Alice sits down and Jean stands up….
George: Jean seems taller.
Gracie: Yeah…. Even though they look exactly alike it’s easy to tell them apart because Alice is married.
George: And Jean is single.
Gracie: No, Jean is married, too.
George: Well, how do you tell them apart?
Gracie: Jean is the one who has a swimming pool.
George: And Alice?
Gracie: She sleeps on the floor.
George: She sleeps on the floor?
Gracie: She’s got high blood pressure and she’s trying to keep it down.
George: But Jean is the own with the swimming pool.
Gracie: Yeah, we were there yesterday and we had such fun. We were diving, and doing back flips, and we’ll even have more fun tomorrow when they put water in it.
George: Well, exercise is good for you.
Gracie: That’s why we took the old woman with us.
George: Your mother?
Gracie: No, the old woman who lives with us. She’s been with us for five weeks now.
George: Is it your aunt?
Gracie: We don’t even know her. She just wanders around the house and does anything she wants.
George: Now let me get this. There’s an old woman who wanders around your house and does anything she wants, and you don’t even know her?
Gracie: Sure. You see, my sister bought a ticket.
George: A ticket?
Gracie: You see, they ran a raffle for a poor old woman, and….
George: Your sister won.
Gracie: Yeah….
George: Gracie, let’s talk about anything except your family.
Gracie: Then you don’t want to talk about my brother.
George: No.
Gracie: You’re sure.
George: Yeah.
Gracie: He’s very tall, you know.
George: Gracie, I don’t want to talk about your brother.
Gracie: He’s an undercover agent.
George: An undercover agent? Is he in the secret service?
Gracie: No, he knows about it.
George: Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.
Gracie: Last week he went out on a murder case, and do you know he found that man in an hour.
George: He found the murderer in an hour?
Gracie: No, the man who was killed.
George: Not only is your brother tall, but he’s fast.
Gracie: Oh yeah… And then Mr. and Mrs. Jones were having matrimonial trouble, and my brother was hired to watch Mrs. Jones.
George: Well, I imagine she was a very attractive woman.
Gracie: She was, and my brother watched her day and night for six months.
George: Well, what happened?
Gracie: She finally got a divorce.
George: Mrs. Jones?
Gracie: No, my brother’s wife.
George: Gracie, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it, but we’ve run out of time. So just wave goodbye to everybody.
Gracie: Don’t you want to hear about my Aunt Clara?
George: No.
Gracie: She’s not only tall, but she’s fat.
George: I don’t want to hear about her.
Gracie: She’s the one who collects all the clothes.
George: Gracie, we’ll do that in our next short.
Gracie: Do you promise?
George: I promise.
Gracie: Good. Then I’ll wave and say goodbye to everybody. Goodbye, everybody.

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. A man comes out, puts his arms around Gracie, and kisses her, and she kisses him. They wave to each other as he backs offstage. Gracie returns to George center stage.

Gracie: Who was that?
George: You don’t know?
Gracie: No, my mother told me never to talk to strangers.
George: That makes sense.
Gracie: This always happens to me. On my way in, a man stopped me at the stage door and said, “Hiya, cutie, how about a bite tonight after the show?”
George: And you said?
Gracie: I said, “I’ll be busy after the show but I’m not doing anything now,” so I bit him.
George: Gracie, let me ask you something. Did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?
Gracie: Oh, no, we couldn’t afford a nurse, my mother had to do it.
George: You had a smart mother.
Gracie: Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
George: Gracie, what school did you go to?
Gracie: I’m not allowed to tell.
George: Why not?
Gracie: The school pays me $25 a month not to tell.
George: Is there anybody in the family as smart as you?
Gracie: My sister Hazel is even smarter. If it wasn’t for her, our canary would never have hatched that ostrich egg.
George: A canary hatched an ostrich egg?
Gracie: Yeah…but the canary was too small to cover that big egg.
George: So?
Gracie: So…Hazel sat on the egg and held the canary in her lap.
George: Hazel must be the smartest in your family.
Gracie: Oh, no. My brother Willy was no dummy either.
George: Willy?
Gracie: Yeah, the one who slept on the floor.
George: Why would he sleep on the floor?
Gracie: He had high blood pressure–
George: And he was trying to keep it down?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: I’d like to meet Willy.
Gracie: You can’t miss him. He always wears a high collar to cover the appendicitis scar on his neck.
George: Gracie, your appendix is down around your waist.
Gracie: I know, but Willy was so ticklish they had to operate up there.
George: What’s Willy doing now?
Gracie: He just lost his job.
George: Lost his job?
Gracie: Yeah, he’s a window washer.
George: And?
Gracie: And…he was outside on the twentieth story washing a window and when he got through he stepped back to admire his work.
George: And he lost his job.
Gracie: Yeah…And when he hit the pavement he was terribly embarrassed.
George: Embarrassed?
Gracie: Yeah…his collar blew off and his appendicitis scar showed.
George: Gracie, this family of yours–
Gracie: When Willy was a little baby my father took him riding in his carriage, and two hours later my father came back with a different baby and a different carriage.
George: Well, what did your mother say?
Gracie: My mother didn’t say anything because it was a better carriage.
George: A better carriage?
Gracie: Yeah…And the little baby my father brought home was a little French baby so my mother took up French.
George: Why?
Gracie: So she could understand the baby–
George: When the baby started to talk?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: Gracie, this family of yours, do you all live together?
Gracie: Oh, sure. My father, my brother, my uncle, my cousin, and my nephew all sleep in one bed and–
George: In one bed? I’m surprised your grandfather doesn’t sleep with them.
Gracie: Oh, he did, but he died, so they made him get up

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George: Gracie, what day is it today?
Gracie: Well, I don’t know.
George: You can find out if you look at that paper on your desk.
Gracie: Oh, George, that doesn’t help. It’s yesterday’s paper.

George: Look, it’s got a coat of arms. It’s a bonified castle.
Gracie: Oh, that’s where Napolean came from.
George: Napolean?
Gracie: Yes, Napolean Bonified.

George: …Since the 15th century Totley castle has been the seat of the earl of…
Gracie: Oh, George, you must get rid of that Brooklyn accent. You mean “oil.”
George: No, I mean “earl.” “Oil” and “earl” are two different things. You’re daddy doesn’t go to bed “oily” did he?
Gracie: He did when he worked for the gas station.
George: Listen, Gracie. In England there are different titles for the nobility: lords, dukes, earls,…
Gracie: Oh, that’s my daddy. If he ever gets his dukes on the earl company’s money, Lord help him! I made that up myself.
George: You did?
Gracie: Yeah!

Fred Astaire: Good old Totley castle.
Gracie: Isn’t it beautiful? It’s almost pretty enough to be a filling station
George: Filling station? This castle is more than 300 years old.
Fred: Oliver Cromwell went through here in 1648.
Gracie: Well that was good time in those days.
Fred: I mean he went through the castle, Gracie.
Gracie: Couldn’t stop the car, huh?
George and Fred: No! Couldn’t stop the car!

Keggs (butler/tour guide of Totley castle): Admission is one shilling.
Gracie: Well, we usually get more than that, but give us our shillings and we’ll go in.
Keggs: But I don’t pay the people madame, the people pay me.

Gracie: Oh, well then give me my money back.
Keggs: But you didn’t give me any money!
Gracie: That’s not my fault!
George: Here’s your money mister.
Keggs: Thank you! [George enters the castle]
Gracie: How much did he give you?
Keggs: Two shillings.
Gracie: And how much is the admission?
Keggs: One shilling.
Gracie: Oh. Well, give me my change!
Keggs: Oh, I beg your pardon madame. I was a little confused for the moment.
Gracie: Uh-huh.

Gracie: Oh, George. Imagine meeting a deep-sea diver here of all places.
George: Deep-sea diver? That’s a suit of armor.
Gracie: Mr. Armor must be somewhere in his underwear, he’s not in his suit.
George: Probably stepped out for a smoke.
Gracie: Oh.

George: Does he heard sheep?
Gracie: Oh, George, you can’t say “does he heard sheep.” You should say “does he hear sheep” or “has he heard sheep,” but you can’t say…
Together: …”does he heard sheep.” NO.

Gracie: Come on, George. It’s lots of fun having fun even if you DON’T enjoy it.

Scene: inside the tunnel of love
Reggie (Gracie’s escort): Lovely weather, isn’t it?
Gracie: Yah, it’s a shame we can’t see it.
Reggie: Rather.
Gracie: By the way did you see the papers this morning?
Reggie: No, did you see them?
Gracie: No but I wish this were yesterday. Although I didn’t see the papers yesterday morning. Did you see the papers yesterday morning?
Reggie: No.
Gracie: I never see the papers, but they’re nice to talk about.
Reggie: Yes, they’re so true to life.
Gracie: Oh, aren’t we all?

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
Gracie, how is your cousin?

GRACIE
You mean the one who died?

GEORGE
Yeah.

GRACIE
Oh, he’s fine now.

GEORGE
Music! [music starts and the dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
Gracie, how’s your uncle Harvey?

GRACIE
Oh, last night he fell down the stairs with a bottle of scotch and never spilled a drop.

GEORGE
Really?

GRACIE
Yeah, he kept his mouth closed.

GEORGE
Music!
[music starts and dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]

GRACIE
My sister Bessie had a brand new-baby.

GEORGE
Boy or girl?

GRACIE
I don’t know, and I can’t wait to get home to find out if I’m an aunt or an uncle.

GEORGE
Music!
[music starts and dance continues]

GEORGE
Stop!
[music stops]
A funny thing happened to my mother in Cleveland.

GRACIE
I thought you were born in Buffalo.

GEORGE
Music!
[music up--and into dancing exit]

Well, that was the routine Gracie and I did the first time at the Palace. And we were really a big hit. I know, I was there.–George Burns

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Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

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