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Here are some Top Ten lists from The David Letterman show of last Wednesday and Thursday:

Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud To Be An American

10) The complimentary TSA groping

9) Other countries don’t have one Dakota — we have two

Land of the free, home of the brave, and the fattest people on Earth

7) Our wise and learned Founding Fathers, such as Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Gotti (joke provided by Michele O’Bachmann)

6) All our presidents were born in America . . . or possibly Kenya

5) The United States has the best extreme couponers in the world

4) We live in a country where our politicians text photos of their junk

3) Forget all this, have you seen the news story about Florence Henderson?

2) Kim Kardashian X-rayed her butt

1) What other country would let me get away with doing this crap?

Top Ten Lindsay Lohan Summer Plans

10) Get drunk, steal some crap

9) Scan United States code for laws she hasn’t broken

For change of pace, rent timeshare in Hamptons prison

7) Update her mug shot

6) Play new fun game: Will I get buzzed into this jewelry store?

5) Help Michele O’Bachmann learn the difference between actors and serial killers

4) Decide if the next step is “Dancing With the Stars” or “Celebrity Rehab”

3) Shop for the latest trends in ankle monitor fashions

2) Go see new Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie “Larry Crowne.” The “Chicago Tribune” calls it a delightful romp

1) Get treated for exhaustion, dehydration, or some other celebrity affliction

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Here are some funny quotes from a fictional, yet classic TV character, Archie Bunker:

The atheist religion don’t believe in the bible.

I ain’t got no respect for no religion where the head guy claims he can’t make no mistakes. Like he’s, waddya call, inflammable.

If God gets sore enough at you Edith, he could turn your jawbone into an ass.

The hookeries and massageries…the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glaucamorra.

That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic.

Beat your tambourines with the Hairy Knishes.

The sexual act was never constipated.

No matter how long we’ve been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, “turn me over.”

All girls go cockeyed during pooberescency.

When a boy’s coming into poobertyhood.

A husband’s conjungal and a wife’s convivial obligation.

What you’re lookin’ at here is kind of an old fashioned guy who really believes in the sanctitity of marriage.

Most of ‘em have more hismones that hermones.

U.S. history….that’s part of your whole American heresy.

You don’t hear me gettin’ historical (hysterical).

President Ford tells us all to bite the bullet and Betsy Ford goes on TV and shoots off her mouth.

I’m readin’ in the paper where the CIA is dopin’ people up. Maybe somebody injected some of that LSD in the lady’s cottage cheese.

That’s what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gypped ‘em out of Manhattan.

Didn’t he take the exercise tax off cars?

It’s a well known histororical fact: they gave ‘em an inch of CzechosloWakia and they took Poland.

My doctor tells me I got a communications disease.

A man’s bar is his castle.

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

A woman should cleave into her husband. Right here in this house is where Edith’s cleavage belongs.

One man’s goose is another man’s dander.

Just ’cause “there’s snow in the basement don’t mean there ain’t no fire in the roof!”

I got bigger fish to fly.

Hell hath no fury like a woman’s corns.

No bum that can’t speak poifect English oughta stay in this country…oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!

Don’t talk like an ignarosis.

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

New York champagne…that’s a phony label. They don’t grow raisins in New York.

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Here are some funny quotes from throughout the world of sports:
Vic Braden, tennis instructor
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth,
you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't
as good. 

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver, famous fast-baller
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch. 

Tommy John, N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did - but
it was Mrs. Koufax's. 

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback, when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

I don't know. I only played there for nine years. 

John Breen, Houston Oilers
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three of
our backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost. 

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the
Atlanta Falcons
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself. 

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo. 

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch
the films on Sunday. 

Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that
knowledge of the game is usually inversely proportional to the price of the
seats. 

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back, on why his marriage ceremony
was before noon.
Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day. 

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third
quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball. 

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday. 

Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett
on hitting
I tell him "Attaway to hit, George." 

Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
I learned a long time ago that "minor surgery" is when they do the operation
on someone else, not you. 

George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach, surveying the team roster that
included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

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Here are some really funny quotes from the world of sports:

“I’m blessed to have great friends, and there are a lot of men in my life who’ve been more than just friends.”– Jim Nantz, April 2005 “Golf Digest”

“I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it’s not how you start the date, it’s how you finish the date.”– Shaquille O’Neal

“I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That’s got to be one of the best sandwiches ever.”– Bulls rookie Ben Gordon

“It’s cold, it’s hard and I wanna feel it.”– Ron Jaworski while describing a football in cold weather

“It’s been kind of hard, I’m labeled as a jerk right now, you know what I mean? But I love it. I’ve been a jerk all my life. My momma loves this jerk. My kids love this jerk. I’m going to be a jerk in a good way, though. I’m going to be a jerk to the other teams and just go out there and play basketball. I can do that.”– Stephen Jackson

“Just picture your favorite guy and put it right through the hole.”– Drew Brees after winning a skills competition

“I’m tellin’ ya man, to be able to stroke it like that must be some kind of feeling.”– Dick Vitale on J.J. Redick’s shooting ability

“There’s Fredo, there’s Sonny and there’s Michael. The Godfather handed it over to Michael. I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane.”– Shaquille O’Neal on comparing Penny Hardaway to Kobe Bryant and Dwyane Wade

Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. Darrin Weinberg

Some people think football is a matter of life and death…I can assure them it is much more serious than that. – Bill Shankly

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips

Serious sport is war minus the shooting. – George Orwell

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works. – Charlie Lau

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very un-orderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off. – Bill Veeck

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. – Barry Switzer

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.- Sam Snead

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Here are some funny quotes from and about the world of sports:

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams, 1982 ~

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failures.
~ Earl Warren ~

Olympism is the marriage of sport and culture.
~ Juan Antonio Samaranch ~

Wrestling is ballet with violence.
~ Jesse Ventura ~

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
~ Source Unknown ~

This is a really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
~ Ted Walsh ~

If at first you don’t succeed … So much for skydiving.
~ Henry Youngman ~

Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes!
~ Robert M. Hutchins ~

Doug Sanders, professional golfer

I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the

same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be

perfect.

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy

doing okay. Bring me another beer.”

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

Last year we couldn’t win at home, and we were losing on the road. My

failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers. I’ll take the

whiskey drinkers every time.

Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of

the people who hear them don’t care, and the other twenty percent are glad

you’re having trouble.

E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

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Here are some very funny quotes about the sports of both golf and tennis:

Funny Golf Quotes

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
~ Will Rogers ~

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
~ Gerald R. Ford ~

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny ~

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?
~ Ben Hogan ~

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.
~ Rogers Hornsby ~

If you drink don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
~ Dean Martin ~

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino ~

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
~ Greg Norman ~

I’ll let the racket do the talking.

~ John McEnroe ~

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there. Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
~ Jimmy Carter ~

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn’t play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
~ Hugo Black ~

Monica Seles – I’d hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
~ Peter Ustinov ( because she grunted everytime she hit the ball)~

Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating.
~ Alex Ramsey ~

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Here are some really funny political quotes from the “Simpsons” TV show that have occurred over the years:

In the Simpsons episode ”The Day the Earth Was Stupid,” a spoof of ”The War of the Worlds,” two aliens talk to each other after launching an invasion and occupation of Springfield and the rest of the planet:

”The Earthlings continue to resent our presence,” one alien says. ”You said we’d be greeted as liberators!”

”Don’t worry, we still have the people’s hearts and minds,” the other alien replies, holding up a heart and a brain.

”An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?”

—Barney Gumbel

”Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn’t they?”

—Homer Simpson

”I will not buy a presidential pardon.

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to the controversy surrounding the last-minute pardons issued by President Bill Clinton on his last day in office

”The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with ‘hail Satan.”’

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag

Krusty the Clown, announcing his candidacy for Congress: ”Gentlemen, I am your candidate. There’s just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up youthful, middle aged indiscretions?”

Mr. Burns: ”Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?”

Krusty: ”Russian hooker, you tell me.”

Burns: ”We’ll say you were on a fact finding mission.”

”I will not plant subliminAL messaGOREs.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag. This endorsement of Al Gore just prior to the 2000 election made reference to the ‘’subliminal message” claim during the campaign, in which the word ”RAT” briefly appeared in a GOP commercial while Democrats were being mentioned

Todd Flanders: ”Daddy, what do taxes pay for?”

Ned Flanders: ”Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ‘em!”

Bart Simpson: ”Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?”

Grampa Simpson: ”I figured because the democrats were in power again.”

”Ooh! A political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!”

—Lisa Simpson

”I will not scare the vice president.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Vice President Dick Cheney’s heart condition

”No one cares what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which was a reference to Bill Clinton’s famous quote during the Monica Lewinsky scandal

Grampa: ”Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.”

”The president did it is not an excuse.”

—Bart Simpson chalkboard gag, which aired a day after Bill Clinton was impeached

”Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike: you just go in every day and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.”

—Homer Simpson

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Here are some funny Joe Biden quotes, not that he meant them to be funny, he is not able to help himself:

“[David] Axelrod really wanted me to do this on teleprompter — but I told him I’m much better when I wing it. I know these evenings run long, so I’m going to be brief. Talk about the audacity of hope. President Obama does send his greetings, though. He can’t be here tonight — because he’s busy getting ready for Easter. He thinks it’s about him.” –Joe Biden, at the 2009 Gridiron dinner

“Look, John’s last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs.” –Joe Biden

“A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!” –Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama

“If your kitchen table is like mine, you sit there at night before you put the kids to bed and you talk about what you need. You talk about how much you are worried about being able to pay the bills. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a worry John McCain has to worry about. It’s a pretty hard experience. He’ll have to figure out which of the seven kitchen tables to sit at.” –Joe Biden

“There’s only three things he mentions in a sentence — a noun, a verb, and 9/11.” –Joe Biden, on Rudy Giuliani

“I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson’s endorsement, there’s an Amen in every sentence he says too.” –Joe Biden

“Yes.” –Joe Biden, giving a one-word answer during a Democratic debate to NBC Anchor Brian Wiliams, who cited criticism of Biden’s “uncontrolled verbosity” and tendency to be a “gaffe machine” in asking whether he would “have the discipline you would need on the world stage”

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” –Joe Biden on Barack Obama

“I got tested for AIDS. I know Barack got tested for AIDS. There’s no shame in being tested for AIDS. It’s an important thing.”

“You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent…. I’m not joking.” –Joe Biden

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Some of these are funny and some, not so much, but they are all good quotes from Kurt Vonnegut:

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.

Human beings will be happier – not when they cure cancer or get to Mars or eliminate racial prejudice or flush Lake Erie but when they find ways to inhabit primitive communities again. That’s my utopia.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center.

I was taught that the human brain was the crowning glory of evolution so far, but I think it’s a very poor scheme for survival.

If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don’t need an enemy.

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.

People don’t come to church for preachments, of course, but to daydream about God.

People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they’ll have good voice boxes in case there’s ever anything really meaningful to say.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap.

Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?

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Here are some very funny quotes from famous people that were made over the years:

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne

We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
Alanis Morissette

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone

When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

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