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Here are some funny jokes /quotes from cartoonist, Scott Adams who is the creator of Dilbert:

The best things in life are silly.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

The only risk of failure is promotion.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.

You don’t have to be a “person of influence” to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they’ve taught me.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

If a job’s worth doing, it’s too hard.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have to ride around with jerks.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Let’s form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

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Sometimes even when the truth hurts at least the pain is lessened because you can laugh about it.  A lot of these quotes are exactly like that.  They are eternal truths but said in a humorous way:

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless lawyer is a
shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
 -- John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But
then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt
he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop
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Here are some very funny jokes from comedian Steven Wright:

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”.  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
If you had a million Shakespeares, would they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

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Here are some very humorous quotes from a wide variety of people:

“At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.”
Salvador Dali

“Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it.”
Salvador Dali
“Drinking Coke is like getting your period, it just happens.”
Neve Campbell in I really hate my job

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”
George Bernard Shaw

“I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”
Jim Morrison

“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”
Mae West

“Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
Anonymous

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men.”
Joseph Conrad

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Anonymous

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
Anonymous

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Anonymous

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
Einstein

“The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.”
Einstein

“Everything government touches turns to crap.” Ringo Star

Interviewer “Are you a mod or a rocker?”
Ringo “I’m a mocker”
Ringo Star

“I don’t like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there”
Charles Bukowski

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
Sting

Neil: [Reading his letter to the bank manager] Darling fascist bully-boy… Give me some more money… You bastard… May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman… Neil.
The Young Ones

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Homer Simpson

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
Barry Humphries

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Oscar: Where?
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
The office

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Here are some funny quotes from TV shows, movies, and some famous people:

Funny Life Quotes by Artists

I enjoy life. I think I’ll enjoy death even more.
Cat Stevens

Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.
Jim Morrison

Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there – I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life. Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television.
Andy Warhol

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers

Funny Life Quotes in TV

“I could have drank myself into a really great Life.”
Patricia Arquette- Medium

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

…And In Movies

My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Forrest Gump

It’s not how long it takes, it’s who’s taking you.
Marilyn Monroe

“Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror”
Byrd Baggett

“Don’t worry about life, you’re not going to survive it anyway.”

When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Jean Harlow

Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.
Judy Garland

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Here are some short funny quotes from a variety of people:

If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you
Bruce Lee

“If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.”
Einstein

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly Parton

I modeled my looks on the town tramp.
Dolly Parton

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live”
Charles Bukowski

“It’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well.”
Charles Bukowski

I’ll beat him so bad he’ll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.
Muhammad Ali

If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
Muhammad Ali

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Dave Letterman

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
Drew Carey

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
Steve Martin

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Anonymous

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Anonymous

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Anonymous

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Here are some funny quotes from movies. Some I was familiar with and some I never heard of:

“To make honey. Young bee need young flower…Not old prune. ”
Karate Kid

“I don’t know if my wife left me because of my drinking or I started drinking ’cause my wife left me.”
Leaving Las Vegas

“That’s nice talk, Ben – keep drinking. Between the 101-proof breath and the occasional bits of drool, some interesting words come out.”
Leaving Las Vegas

“My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles Hell.”
American Beauty

“Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
Annie Hall

“I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Apocalypse Now

“I may be bad…but I feel gooood.”
Army of Darkness

“When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome… and then, of course, you spoke.’
As Good As It Gets

“When I ask for sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads, I expect sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads!”
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

“Do you think if we changed the Bible stories maybe you would get people more easily to relate to them? Instead of the fish story you could do it about Sushi, or instead of giving out bread you did something which had a no-carb alternative or gluten free.”
Bruno

“When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher’s knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross!”
Dirty Harry

“What an excellent day for an exorcism.”
The Exorcist

Bond: You’re not my type.
Girl: Why, cause I have half a brain?
Bond: No, cause you’re single.
James Bond-Casino Royal

“I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.”
Manhattan

“He’s not the messiah. He’s a very naughty Boy.”
Monty Python-Life of brian

“I never listen to you when you’re being morbid.”
A Streetcar Named Desire

“What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?”
The Wedding Crashers

“How bout I answer your question with another question; how many abo-digitals do you see modelling?”
Zoolander

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Here are some funny quotes about women and some of them are even by women.  I don’t know who said these quotes, they are all unknown:

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

From 40 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 40 feet away.

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.

No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?

Despite my thirty years of research into the woman soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends’.

What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.

A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.

Women are an alien race set down among us.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good? Luckily, this is not difficult.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt and I’ll show you a man.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

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Here are some more classic jokes from the Hollywood Squares TV show that brought so many laughs to people in years past:

1) When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

2) If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

3) According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army!

4) Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

5) While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

6) It is the most abused and neglected part of your body – what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!

7) Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcée.

Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it into his mouth.

9) Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie “What’s The Matter With Helen?” Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver – that’s why they asked the question.

10) Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

11) When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

12) James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever did.” What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

13) Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

14) Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

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Here are some Charlie Sheen quotes.  Some are truisms, some are funny, some are funny without intending to be so and some are just… well, you know:

As kids we’re not taught how to deal with success; we’re taught how to deal with failure. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?

Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh.

Dad almost died of a heart attack in the middle of making Apocalypse Now, the biggest movie of his life. It doesn’t make you want to jump into that business.

Fame is empowering. My mistake was that I thought I would instinctively know how to handle it. But there’s no manual, no training course.

For now, I’m just going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view.

From my big beautiful warlock brain, welcome to ‘Sheen’s Korner’ … You’re either in my corner, or you’re with the trolls.

Here’s the good news. If I realize that I’m insane, then I’m okay with it. I’m not dangerous insane.

I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.

I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man.

I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies.

I just didn’t believe I was like everybody else. I thought I was unique.

I just don’t want to live like I used to. And at some point, I’m going to put a gag order on myself in terms of talking about the past. I’ve got to slam the door and deal with the present and the future.

I so desperately wanted to be Mr. Somebody. Instead, I was the little brother, included to a point.

I still don’t have all the answers. I’m more interested in what I can do next than what I did last.

I think I have a duty as a recovering guy to help, to make my knowledge of what I went through accessible.

I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes. And I don’t think people are ready for the message that I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of violent love.

I think what drove me insane for a long time is feeling like I hadn’t earned most of what I achieved because it came so fast.
I tried marriage. I’m 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer – I believe in numbers. I’m not going 0 for 4. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero.

I try to be known more for my work than for anything else.

I’m 0 for 3 with marriage – the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

I’m tired of ignoring that I march to a different beat.

I’ve got volumes on how not to behave. I’ve got more information now than a guy should have at my age.

It’s not an act. I love it. It’s totally original. People go, ‘What’s going on with this guy? Why does he sound so weird? What is going on in his brain. I don’t know. Just one day I suddenly woke up with a new brain.

Slash sat me down at his house and said, You’ve got to clean up your act. You know you’ve gone too far when Slash is saying, Look, you’ve got to get into rehab.

That we are to stand by the President right or wrong is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.

The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.

The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.

There have to be more important things going on in the world than my past.

There was a reason my first substantial role after rehab was to play a maniac whose personal story ended badly. I knew what it was like to go those dark places. I played a guy who died as a result of his abuse.

Uncertainty is a sign of humility, and humility is just the ability or the willingness to learn.

What is a normal childhood? We weren’t rich, we were pretty middle-class. My dad survived from job to job; with him taking care of so many relatives, he couldn’t save any money.

What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.

When friends asked me, Can we help? I’d say, Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest or teleport me off this rock. I used that line from Star Wars.

You have the right to kill me, but you don’t have the right to judge me. That’s life. There’s nobility in that. There’s focus. It’s genuine. It’s crystal and it’s pure and it’s available to everybody, so just shut your traps and put down your McDonalds, your vaccines, your Us Weekly, your TMZ and the rest of it.

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