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Here are some jokes from two classic comedians, Jack Benny and George Burns, who were also good friends so it appropriate to post their jokes together:

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Hors D’oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Jack Benny

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
Jack Benny

I don’t want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny

Modesty is my best quality.
Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
George Burns

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
George Burns

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To tell the truth I had never heard of this guy and he has been dead for 25 years.  He was a writer and comedian.  Some of the quotes are funny and some of them are just truisms worth reading.  Enjoy:

A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense of humus.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
I can only assume that your editorial writer tripped over the First Amendment and thought it was the office cat.

It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the bylaws are shorter, and he is personally acquainted with the other members.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.

There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people or countries than an agreement.

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

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Here are some jokes by comedian Dick Gregory, who was very popular back in the 60’s and 70’s:

Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp – just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.

Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn’t think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We’re the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

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Here are some funny jokes from the very popular comedian and talk show host, Ellen DeGeneres:

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let’s get our priorities straight. I think we all know what’s really important in life – winning an Oscar.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I was coming home from kindergarten – well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and then run away.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.

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I posted Henny Youngman jokes on Monday and here are some more.  They are very funny:

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Take my wife… Please!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

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Here are funny quotes from cartoonist, Scott Adams, the creator of the comic strip, “Dilbert”, which lampoons the corporate world:

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

I get mail; therefore I am.

I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it’s done.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn’t have to ride around with jerks.

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

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Here are some jokes from from one of the iconic comedians, Phyllis Diller:

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

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Here are some quotes/jokes from comedian, Dennis Miller:

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis’ nightstand.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I lapsed into rude.

I rant, therefore I am.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.

One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

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Today I have funny quotes from Gracie Allen, who was George Burns wife, and also from comedian Richard Lewis.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Gracie Allen

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
Gracie Allen

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it’s all checks and no balances.
Gracie Allen

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she’d just make enough for 16 and only serve half.
Gracie Allen

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.
Richard Lewis

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
Richard Lewis

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
Richard Lewis

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

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Here are some funny quotes from comedian, Tim Allen:

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own stuff.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words “large” or “size” with “rear end.” Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

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