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Funny Observations from Current Events – 07/16/13

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week: Thank god, Twinkies are back in the stores again because America’s collective asses are not fat and toxic enough already.  Besides that, we’ve fallen behind Mexico as the fattest country.  This should get...

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Funny Political Quotes

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 09-05-2012

Tags: , , , , ,

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Here are some very funny political quotes from a variety of sources ranging from Abraham Lincoln to Mark Twain:

“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” —Mark Twain

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” —President Abraham Lincoln

“I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” —President Ronald Reagan, during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

”You know nothing for sure…except the fact that you know nothing for sure.”

—President John Kennedy

”Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.”

—Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir, to a visiting diplomat

”You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good-looking mummy.”

—Bill Clinton, looking at ‘Juanita,’ a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum (When asked about the remark, White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry privately quipped to reporters, ”Probably she does look good compared to the mummy he’s been f**king.”)

”What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?”

—Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

”Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

—Mark Twain

”Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.”

—Groucho Marx

”He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.”

—Abraham Lincoln, referring to a lawyer

”Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”

—Ronald Reagan

”If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush’s head.”

—Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

”Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

”If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”

—Abraham Lincoln

”There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and…evil.”

—Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event

”Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”

—Ronald Reagan

‘I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.”

—Bill Clinton, on the White House

”The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then get elected and prove it.”

—P.J. O’Rourke, ‘Parliament of Whores’

”I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.”

—Ronald Reagan

”As Americans, we must ask ourselves: Are we really so different? Must we stereotype those who disagree with us? Do we truly believe that ALL red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that ALL blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts?”

—Dave Barry

”Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.”

—Bill Clinton

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ”Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee with poison.”

Churchill: ”Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.”

”I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.”

—Ronald Reagan

darnfunnyonline.com

Funny Ronald Reagan Quotes

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 29-02-2012

Tags: , , , , , ,

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Here are some funny quotes from Ronald Reagan.  The difference between him and most politicians is that he used humor to lighten the mood intentionally, not because he was an idiot that just said something stupid:

”I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.”

”Well, I learned a lot….I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries.”

”What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?”

—Ronald Reagan, on Clint Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

”I’m afraid I can’t use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill.”

—Ronald Reagan, refusing a gift of a mule

”One picture is worth 1,000 denials.”

”I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”

”It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”

”Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”

”Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing.”

”Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.”

”I hope you’re all Republicans.”

—Ronald Reagan speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

”There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears.”

—Ronald Reagan, on possibly being offered the vice presidency in 1968

”I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.”

”I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.”

”I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.”

”The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

”What does an actor know about politics?”

—Ronald Reagan, criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy

”Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”

”How can a president not be an actor?”

—Ronald Reagan, when asked ”How could an actor become president?’

”I don’t know. I’ve never played a governor.”

—Ronald Reagan, after being asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be

”My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.”

—Ronald Reagan, joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

”Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

darnfunnyonline.com