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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson:

According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you’re watching Fox News, you’re probably not voting for him in the first place. –Jay Leno

Pope Benedict will visit Mexico this weekend. Historians say he will be the first Pope ever to attend spring break. –Jay Leno

The State Department is warning spring breakers about the dangers of violence from Mexican drug gangs. So, to avoid the threat, stay out of L.A. –Jay Leno

Next month the movie “Titanic” will be re-released in 3-D. In this version, the captain doesn’t see the iceberg coming because he’s not wearing the special glasses. –Jay Leno

Disastrous news for Walt Disney. They’ve announced they’ve lost $200 million on the movie “John Carter.” This doesn’t bode well for Disney’s upcoming $250 million epic, “Jimmy Carter.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, “Until now!” –Conan O’Brien

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy. –Conan O’Brien

It’s the first day of spring. That means this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas lights. –David Letterman

Big news in the NFL. Peyton Manning is leaving Indianapolis and going to Denver. I knew it. He said, “Colts are horses. Who else has got a horse? Denver Broncos.” That’s the way these things work. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum said he’s not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November. –David Letterman

When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama’s home state, I said, “They’re holding a primary in Kenya?” – Craig Ferguson

Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he’s sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually. –Jimmy Kimmel

This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is “Newt Gingrich.” –Jimmy Fallon

That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection. –Jimmy Fallon

Disney will lose $200 million on its new movie, “John Carter,” about a Civil War soldier on Mars. Disney could tell they were going to lose lots of money when they realized they made a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

“The Hunger Games” is expected to make $130 million at the box office this weekend. Experts say the movie has that one quality you look for in a film — it’s not about a Civil War soldier on Mars. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has signed a $96 million deal to play for the Denver Broncos. How ironic is that? Tim Tebow’s prayers to help the Broncos win are finally being answered. –Jay Leno

The other big football story is that Tim Tebow has been traded to the New York Jets. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in New York City? Talk about throwing a Christian to the lions. –Jay Leno

The man who created the Red Bull energy drink has died at the age of 89. Actually, he died five years ago. He was just so wired, nobody could tell. –Jay Leno

Red Bull’s creator is survived by a very jumpy wife and a bunch of really jittery kids. –Jay Leno

Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department. –Conan O’Brien

Today is Ann and Mitt Romney’s 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes. –Conan O’Brien

Looks like Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has been traded to the Jets. When told he was going to be spending the rest of his career in New Jersey, Tebow said, “There is no God.” –Conan O’Brien

This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell. –Jimmy Fallon

It looks like Tim Tebow might be traded to the New York Jets — but apparently some Jets players are not happy about it. They’re called wide receivers. –Jimmy Fallon

There are rumors that Kim Kardashian wants to adopt a child. You can tell orphans are nervous — even Oliver Twist is like, “You know what — I’m good on soup. Sorry for complaining.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: “Cover-Your-Face Book.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Denver Broncos have signed Peyton Manning as their new quarterback. That means Tim Tebow may be traded. There’s no telling where he’ll end up — you know, like one of his passes. –Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is so rich, he taught his dog to roll over . . . an IRA. –Jay Leno

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture’s so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is. –Jay Leno

This week the makers of Camel cigarettes said 10 percent of its workers would be eliminated by 2014 — especially if they keep smoking Camels. –Jay Leno

A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves “Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures ‘21 Jump Street.’” –Conan O’Brien

A Massachusetts medical clinic is trying to entice men to get a vasectomy by offering a free pizza. The disturbing part is for both the pizza and the vasectomy, they use the same rolling wheel knife. –Conan O’Brien

Peyton Manning is signing with the Denver Broncos. Glad to see something good finally happen to somebody in that family. –David Letterman

Peyton Manning will be the quarterback for the Denver Broncos, replacing Tim Tebow, their current quarterback. This answers the question, “What would Jesus do?” Well, he’d sign Peyton Manning. –David Letterman

Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. Most political analysts say it could hurt him with the “every single man in America” vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Santorum said when he’s in the White House he’ll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distribute any content that is deemed obscene. Will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? If so, he could solve the unemployment crisis. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s sons shot and killed endangered animals on a safari. They got an elephant, a crocodile, and that thing on their dad’s head. –Jimmy Fallon

Peyton Manning has agreed to join the Denver Broncos, which means Denver will trade Tim Tebow after just one year as a starter. Even Kim Kardashian was like, “Come on, who dumps a pro athlete that quickly?” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some jokes by stand up comedian Todd Barry:

Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn’t even know what to say. They were like, ‘Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300 gallon drum of laundry detergent for 99 cents. Why don’t you go take your good values to another town?’

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.

I discovered a great store this past holiday season: The Body Shop. Oh my God, that is the perfect last minute thoughtless gift warehouse.

I saw a woman on the street wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘Nurses Kick Butt.’ I don’t want a nurse who kicks butt. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of pumped up healthcare workers. I don’t want to be lying in the operating room — the door gets kicked open, there’s a guy standing there in scrubs, ‘Hi, I’m Stanley Feinberg, I’m your neurologist, and tonight, I’m gonna tear this playhouse down.’

I can understand no wallets at Old Navy, but no ties? What am I supposed to wear with my mock-ribbed turtleneck and purple camouflage cargo pants? I’ve got a funeral to go to.

I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she’s like, ‘Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.’ And I just wanted to say to her, ‘You know, I bet your comments are better televised.’

I was dating a woman. Before we had our first little sex talk, she actually said this to me — she goes, ‘Todd, I’ve had anal sex before, but, uh, don’t ask me who it was with.’ I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question.

I’m a Jewish guy. Saw another Jewish guy on the street wearing a pink yarmulke. I walk closer, not only was it a pink yarmulke, it was made to look like a slice of watermelon. I think if God is so easygoing he tolerates your summer fun pink watermelon yarmulke, he’d probably be cool with no yarmulke.

People ask me all the time, ‘Todd, when you’re on the road at these comedy clubs, do you hit on the waitresses?’ People, I’m a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.

This guy’s like, ‘We’ve got to have the death penalty because prisons are like hotels.’ ‘How are they like hotels?’ ‘They’re like hotels because they’ve got the color TVs, man.’ ‘Oh, like in hotels.’ They have to have color TVs in prison, people. Do you know how hard it is to find a black and white set these days?

I’m a single guy myself. I was reading the personal ads. I saw one that said, ‘Single white female, 27, herpes: mild.’ I don’t know if we use the same rating system for social diseases as we do for taco sauce.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

President Obama’s approval rating is at an all time low.  Many consider him the worst president ever.  In fact his Secret Service code name has been changed to “Jimmy Carter.”

Rick Santorum is against birth control and pornography.   If he wants to stop people from getting screwed he needs to talk more about fixing the economy.

An Oxnard, CA, middle school female teacher has been placed on leave after students told school officials she had appeared in porn films.  The teacher was surprised and commented, “It’s better to learn about sex in the classroom than out on the streets.”

Drug users in San Francisco have now formed a drug users union, which means while they are taking drugs they are not allowed to do any other job, which is pretty much the way it was anyway.

Now the drug user union members will only be able to buy from union drug dealers and they will only be able to use one drug at a time.

Former Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, spent his last hours of freedom before reporting to start his 14 year prison sentence at the zoo.  That’s seems reasonable since he is a career politician and being around politicians all the time is like being in the zoo.

Obama’s new energy policy is to conserve HIS OWN energy.  That’s why he’s spending so much time watching the NCAA basketball tournament and playing golf.

Last week Dick Cheney cancelled a trip to Canada because it was too dangerous.  They wouldn’t let him take his waterboarding supplies on the plane so he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to tame those raucous Canadians.

Reportedly, there is an economic recovery that has already started.  So the next time you put gas in your car, please let them know about this “recovery” at the gas station.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Other Phrases Never Before Said By Mitt Romney

10.”Where my pimps at?”

9.”Ah, that’s enough hair gel”

8.”This brisket is so good I could plotz”

7.”Man, ‘The Late Show’ is hilarious tonight”

6.”Let’s scour Craigslist for some free couches”

5.”I try to eat some cold cereal at the end of the day, and a full tummy, and a long day puts me to bed” (Sorry, I’m being told Mitt has said this)

4.”We can’t lay people off, it’s Christmas!”

3.”I think the dog would be more comfortable inside the car”

2.”Only if you insist, I’ll sing”

1.”Tell the chef not to bother warming my nuts”

Top Ten Signs You’re A Terrible Singer

10.Your CD is in a bin labeled, “Crap for a Quarter”

9.You sing like the Mets play baseball

8.Amnesty International is begging you to stop

7.People who say that “You’ve got great pipes” are referring to your actual plumbing

6.Verse, chorus, wet cough, verse, chorus, hacking wet cough

5.A church choir tries to trade you to another church choir

4.Your album warning label reads: “Caution: Do Not Play”

3.Your neighbors always ask if you’ve been trying to breed cats

2.You’re this guy (Mitt Romney singing)

1.Instead of iTunes, you’re on iSuck

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Will Ferrell’s Mind Just Before Appearing On The Late Show

10.”Ahhh, the Vicodin is kicking in”

9.”Do I look too handsome?”

8.”That pre-show jambalaya was a bad idea”

7.”Will this help me get an appearance on Leno?”

6.”Gotta practice: 3, 2, 1, fake smile”

5.”Don’t be obvious plugging the film, ‘Casa De Mi Padre’ in theaters March 16th”

4.”Ok, 3, 2, 1, fake laugh”

3.”Lady…I’m your knight in shining armor, and I love you”

2.”God, look at Dave — so sexy — I just want to run my hands along his body — Will, focus!”

1.”Did I remember to wear pants?”

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It’s time for another version of “It Could Be Worse” where we take a look at how things could always be worse than they seem to be:

It Could be Worse:

You could be Rick Santorum at a gay rights convention

You could be Rick Santorum campaigning at a condom factory.

You could be Rick Santorum…(That’s all there is to that one.)

You could be a Mayan and if the world doesn’t come to an end this year you’ll be really embarrassed.

You could be President Obama and be really happy how the Republican candidate are beating each other up but then you look at your own “accomplishments” and you get worried about re-election all over again.

You could be President Obama and grow a conscience before the election.

You could be Obama and after you lose the election you want to visit your homeland, but you can’t decide if you want to call that Hawaii, Illinois or Kenya.

You could be the 98 year-old man who recently married a 95 year-old woman and be comforted by the fact that she is unlikely to ever ask you to renew your vows.

You could be the dog in Albuquerque who was recently registered to vote by your owner and realize how upsetting it is to hear the current presidential candidates, including Obama, being referred to as “dog candidates.”

You could be Snooki’s boyfriend and, wanting to be a pioneer and go where no man has gone before, you realize that having sex with her certainly wouldn’t apply, so you got her pregnant.

You could have actually read the recently released love letters by Richard Nixon.

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Here are some jokes by stand-up comedian Mike Vecchione:

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, ‘I either got ripped off or this is my first case.’

I was dating this girl; she’s like, ‘Mike, you look so much like a cop, why don’t you just become a cop?’ I’m like, ‘I respect the police, I just couldn’t wear a uniform to work every day.’ And she’s like, ‘Why don’t you just become an undercover cop?’ I was like, ‘Well, I hate to point out the obvious here, but if I look like a cop, chances are I wouldn’t be too effective undercover.’

I want to do crazy, compassionate things — like a drive-by shooting in a hybrid car. Sends a great message: ‘I’m going to try and kill all of you people, but for those of you who live, let’s protect Mother Earth.’

I want to do crazy, compassionate things — like a drive-by shooting in a hybrid car. Sends a great message: ‘I’m going to try and kill all of you people, but for those of you who live, let’s protect Mother Earth.’

My father had a gambling problem. He lost our house when I was 11. But you know what upset me? He didn’t say, ‘I lost the house.’ He just came home and said, ‘Mike, how would you like to go camping forever?’

I’m not an outdoorsy guy. My buddy in Central Pennsylvania used to hunt deer, and that’s way more complex than I thought. You got to track the animal for, like, two or three days. And at the end of it, you may or may not get a kill. He told me that. I’m like, ‘Forget that, dude. I kill a deer in my car while I’m speeding and text messaging at the same time. It’s not that difficult.’

Having a gun, let’s face it guys, is a lot like having a penis, I think. You got to keep it concealed. And if you wave it in a woman’s face, chances are she’ll call the cops.

I don’t like guns, you know why? It’s a killing mechanism. That’s all its purpose is; it has no other purpose but to kill. I like a knife better. I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m going to do. Am I going to stab you? Am I going to open a letter? Or am I going to frost a cake? You don’t know what I’m going to do. And it’s Swiss Army. I can clip my toenails and open a bottle of wine to celebrate all the errands that I got accomplished.

You know what I installed? One man neighborhood watch. Some people will call it a peeping tom; I call it one man neighborhood watch.

If you’re from another country, do not get hurt over here. We do not have health care the way that you have it. You can walk to a hospital on fire, they will not help you in America. They’ll be like, ‘I’m sorry. You’re on fire. That’s a preexisting condition. We can’t do anything for you.’

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Rick Santorum is so anti-gay that his secret service code name is “say no to TSA groping.”

A 55 year-old grandmother wants to try out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.  If she makes it her job will be to say to the other cheerleaders, “Don’t you think that outfit is a little too revealing?”

President Obama told a crowd of auto workers that in 5 years when he is no longer president that he is going to buy a Chevy Volt.  There was no hint on what he might be driving in the prior 4 years  when he’s not president.

Bristol Palin is getting her own reality show.  It’s being called “Who’s More Annoying, Me or My Mom?”

Snooki is pregnant.  She’s had so much alcohol in her life that if she breast feeds the baby the child will be able to follow in her mother’s alcoholic footsteps at a very early age.

The approval rating for Congress continues to be at 10%.  O.J. Simpson is more popular than Congress.  But at least O.J. was good at something.  Football, that is.  I didn’t mean he was good at getting away with murder because Congress does that all the time too.

March is National Ethics Awareness Month.  Surprisingly, Congress is still open during that time period.  I assume that is because they have no awareness of ethics.

I saw a headline that said “Obama Granted $2.6 Billion to Four Wind Energy Firms.”  I wondered if that was code for having granted the money to political PACS because nowhere is there more hot air produced than by politicians.

Paula Deen has been accused of condoning sexual harassment and racist remarks.  She figured a lot of the food she was pushing on others was so sweet that she didn’t have to be.

A Sri Lankan man died while trying to set the record for being buried alive.  Now, no one knows if he set the record and he’s not around to celebrate if he did.

I saw another headline that said “Chupacabras With Wings and Fangs Blamed for Sheep Deaths.”  I don’t know what chupacabras are, but it sounds like a menu item at Taco Bell and it that’s the case they could be responsible for deaths all over the U.S.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Frequently Asked Questions About Leap Year

10.”Will this impact the length of my parole?”

9.”When did we switch to the metric system?”

8.”Should I go to my leap year bunker?”

7.”Will this affect the expiration date on my cottage cheese?”

6.”Is it safe to stare at the sun?”

5.”Will McDonald’s be offering a ‘Leapy Meal’? (If not, they’re idiots)”

4.”Why does it always feel like you’ve just finished your leap year thank-you notes and, bam, another leap year is here?”

3.”Does working on a leap day count as overtime?”

2.”Do I need to set my clock ahead one year?”

1.”When is the 4th of July?”

Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan’s Trees

10.”I seem less wooden standing next to one”

9.”In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel”

8.”They’re also just the right width”

7.”It’s fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves”

6.”They’re not gay, like palm trees”

5.”They don’t shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees”

4.”They look great next to my wife’s Cadillacs”

3.”Trees don’t whine when strapped to your car roof”

2.”They’re not afraid to stand up to the auto industry”

1.”Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows”

Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech

10.”This is for you, Kim Jong-Il”

9.”I’ve had sex with every woman in this year’s dead actor montage”

8.”Take that, 99-percenters!”

7.”I’d like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum”

6.”I owe it all to my creepy religious cult”

5.”My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs”

4.”Now I’d like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos”

3.”I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector”

2.”I’d like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I’m gay”

1.”I’ll be in the men’s room, ‘polishing my statuette’”

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Rick Santorum said he believes Satan has his sights set on America.  Being a former member of Congress, he should know, since Satan took over there a while ago.

Newt Gingrich said Obama was the worst President in U.S. history.  He got a prominent Democrat to agree with him too because Jimmy Carter was in the background cheering and fist pumping as he said, “YES!!!  I’m not the worst!”

Scientists have created artificial meat using stem cells in a test tube.  Let’s just hope they were grass fed stem cells.

Taco Bell’s response to the artificial meat was that as soon as the price would come down that was going to be their new official source of all their artificial meat.

Paris Hilton just released a music video for her song, Drunk Text.  You’ve heard the old adage, write (or in this case, sing) what you know about.

Rick Santorum says he rejects the idea of separation of church and state.  Sweater vest manufacturers are complaining about all his stupid comments because he is making them look bad.

As the economy is showing slight signs of recovery Obama has said the time to blame former President Bush for things is over and he is now taking full responsibility for the economy.

Obama has a new campaign slogan.  It is simply “I promise __________ .”  And you get to fill in the blank with whatever you want.

A sculpture installed in the front lawn of a school in Alaska has created a controversy because people are saying it looks like a vagina.  The sculptor can’t believe there is a controversy and to all his critics he suggests they take a look at the backside of the sculpture.

I read an article this week about places with politically incorrect names such as Wop Draw, Wyoming, Jewtown, Georgia and Polack Lake, Michigan.  It made me realize my home state of Pennsylvania isn’t so much politically incorrect as it is sexually perverted with names of towns such as Blue Ball, Virginsville, and Beavertown.  (Okay, that last one is named after actual beavers but I included it for my own enjoyment.)

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Other Words To Describe Newt Gingrich

10.Pudgy

9.Exercise-resistant

8.Newtiful

7.Dumplingesque

6.Divorce-y

5.Biscuit-hued

4.Jowl-tastic

3.Ewwwwwww

2.Not-single-but-looking-to-mingle

1.Hump

Top Ten Least Successful Meat Innovations

10.The iPork

9.Three-Holed Prosciutto

8.Honey-Baked Ham Radio

7.Tassled Meatloaf

6.Baloomba, The Robotic Vacuum Cleaning Bologna

5.Spam-Blocking Spam

4.Bacon Nasal Spray

3.Veal-Flavored Mutton

2.Self-Cleaning Meatballs

1.Anti-Gravity Wiener

Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney

10.”Dial ‘M’ For Mitt”

9.”Mitty Mitty Bang Bang”

8.”The Mittrix”

7.”Butch Romney And The Sundance Mitt”

6.”Mittion: Impossible”

5.”When Harry Mitt Romney”

4.”Terms of Endearmitt”

3.”Mr. Romney Doesn’t Go To Washington”

2.”Dog On A Hot Car Roof”

1.”They’re Just Not That Into You”

Top Ten Memorable Presidential Moments

10.The stress of his job finally gets to President Obama

9.Abraham Lincoln disciplines an insubordinate general

8.George W. Bush sets record for largest beard of bees

7.President Ford collides with a bird

6.Richard Nixon performs ventriloquism

5.Having quit smoking, President Obama addresses the nation

4.The Mount Rushmore mishap of 2009

3.President Carter gives an Oval Office address on his birthday

2.George H.W. Bush attends a Cee-Lo concert

1.George W. Bush celebrates Hanukkah