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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Congress has started the hearings on the attack on Benghazi, so finally Hillary will get to find out “what difference it makes”…especially to her running for President in 2016.

A British woman says she was able to grow her breasts three cup sizes through hypnosis.  At least she thinks they grew three sizes every time the hypnotist snapped his fingers.  When he snaps his fingers twice she thought all men grow horns and six foot penises.

Rob Kardashian is being sued by a female photographer who claims he assaulted her and took her camera.  It’s the first time on record that a Kardashian didn’t want their picture taken.

Hooters had a Mother’s Day give away of free chicken wings to mothers.  Taking your mother to Hooters on Mother’s Day is the perfect way for an adult woman to tell her mother that she is a lesbian.

More sons would take their mothers to Hooters on Mother’s Day but they are afraid their mothers will tell them, “Don’t play with those, you can take an eye out.”

Many adult children didn’t have to go visit their mothers on Mother’s Day because, due to the economy, many of them already lived with their mothers.

President Obama kicked off his “Middle Class Job and Opportunity Tour.”  It’s actually not so much a tour as a hope that he can find someone who will tell him how to create middle class jobs and opportunities.

The White House is taking a lot of heat over how slow they’ve been to respond to scandal of the IRS auditing of conservative groups.  They said they were going to ask Nancy Pelosi to respond for them but her lips were not mobile enough to talk that day.

A new poll found that 54% of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber.  Just another 10% and he’ll be qualified to run for President.

President Obama delivered a speech on how the Affordable Health Care Act will affect American families.  Appropriately, he was wearing a Darth Vader costume when he gave the speech.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Going Through This Baby’s Mind At This Moment

Friday, May 10, 2013

10. “What’s everyone staring at?”

9. “You can go faster, it’s not like I’m a week old”

8. “Grip it and rip it, dude”

7. “Ah, this is just the vacation I needed”

6. “Next week: solid food and slalom”

5. “I’m getting too old for this crap”

4. “Takes my mind completely off teething”

3. “Isn’t this what Cheney did to people?”

2. “If I were old enough to talk, I’d say, ‘Aggghhhh!’”

1. “I could really go for a cigarette”

Top Ten Reasons I Decided To Become A Teacher

Thursday, May 9, 2013

10. I hope to live up to the teachers who inspired me — like Ms. What’s-Her-Name

9. It’s no fun saying the pledge of allegiance every day by myself

8. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention the first time through school

7. Kids need to know the moon landing was faked

6. If I could make a difference in just one student’s life — well, that wouldn’t be a very good average

5. The glamour

4. You work long hours, but at least the pay is bad

3. Hoping to teach in an all song-and-dance high school, like on “Glee”

2. In the summer, I can watch all you losers go to the office

1. I want to help kids talk good

Top Ten Least Memorable James Bond Films

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

10. “Lick And Let Dry”

9. “You’ve Only Bathed Twice”

8. “Oldfinger”

7. “Clams Casino Royale”

6. “Gold Bond: The Spy Who Loved Medicated Powder”

5. “Secret Service On Her Majesty”

4. “James Bond: Mall Cop”

3. “Leafraker”

2. “From Rush Limbaugh With Love”

1. “Cold Sores Are Forever”

Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

10. “Sure, I’ll have a sandwich”

9. “Is the second date too early for a French dip?”

8. “Honestly, screw wraps”

7. “Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?”

6. “Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?”

5. “Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?”

4. “What does BLT stand for?”

3. “When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?”

2. “When I say ‘hold the pickles’ I’d actually like to hold the pickles”

1. “Grinder? I just met her!”

Top Ten Least Impressive Auction Items

Monday, May 6, 2013

10. Rice thrown at a Kardashian wedding

9. Autographed photo of Brad Pitt’s accountant

8. Any Lance Armstrong memorabilia

7. Auctioneer’s half-finished lunch

6. Bible signed by a guy who looks like Jesus

5. Richard Nixon’s junk mail

4. The shoes Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin wore yesterday

3. Shellacked replica of Fred Astaire’s favorite sandwich

2. Water bottle which may or may not have been used by Marco Rubio

1. Dinner with Andy Dick

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The employment report came out last week.  It seems the only shovel ready jobs that President Obama has created are the ones where somebody has to shovel the BS that he tells about jobs.

Sonic has new Peanut Butter Bacon Milkshake.  It has 1720 calories with 118 grams of fat and 128 grams of sugar.  Its marketing slogan will likely be “To die for,” and if you drink this you probably will.

Obama was quoted as saying, “We need Mexico.”  And he’s right.  Without the illegal alien vote he never would have won the last election.

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team-sport to come out as gay.  He has said there is no reason being gay should effect his playing the game of basketball, although it can, at times, interfere with his love of show tunes and his joy of shoe shopping.

The Kentucky Derby was last week.  In recent years the stakes on this race have become much higher for the horses.  Now, for the horses that don’t win, they are shipped to fast food joints.

In upstate New York, a 22-year-old, male Wal-Mart employee was arrested for allegedly engaging in prostitution in the store’s men’s room.  Of course, since he was working at Wal-Mart he was forced to really lower his prices.

Lindsay Lohan left the Morningside Recovery rehab facility, in Orange County, two minutes after walking through the doors.  She was disappointed because they didn’t have any happy hour.

President Obama said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it.  His staff has assured him not to worry about it, though, since it was just a campaign promise.

Chicago’s homicide total in April was its lowest since 1962.  The theory is that young people grew up leaning to shoot with computer games and they don’t know how to shoot real guns.

For the first time since 2007, the U.S. Treasury is planning to pay down the national debt.  But don’t get excited, it’s only a plan, sort of like a campaign promise, they never really follows through.

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Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Signs Your Ice Cream Truck Driver Is Nuts

Friday, May 3, 2013

10. He greets customers with “Who sent you?”

9. Offers three toppings: sprinkles, nuts, and fire ants

8. Only works winters

7. On truck loudspeaker you hear him sobbing

6. Your scoop of “vanilla” turns out to be Crisco

5. Truck never slows below 85 miles per hour

4. Price of everything is “How much you got?”

3. He has licked everything in the truck

2. Keeps ice cream scoop warm in his pants

1. He’s wearing nothing but a sugar cone

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear In A Movie Preview

Thursday, May 2, 2013

10. “In a world where waffles do not exist…”

9. “From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you ‘The Godfather’”

8. “Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie”

7. “Come see the film ‘Entertainment Weekly’ calls ‘97 minutes in length’”

6. “Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks”

5. “The incredible, true story of a teenager’s monkey, seized by German authorities”

4. “Strap yourself in for two hours you’ll never get back”

3. “Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires”

2. “Special Sneak Preview at midnight in my van”

1. “Anthony Weiner in 3-D”

Top Ten Other Stadium Inventions

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

10. Cup holder holders

9. On-field parking

8. Fully-obstructed-view seating

7. Chimpanzee ushers

6. Shoulder-launched hot dogs

5. Retractable field

4. Every seat gets a throw pillow

3. Even warmer, flatter beer

2. Vibrating condiment pumps

1. Valet-parking dogs

Top Ten Phrases You Don’t Want To See In An Online Dating Profile

Monday, April 29, 2013

10. “Never convicted”

9. “Probably a tapeworm”

8. “Rest in peace, Qaddafi”

7. “Mommy says I’m handsome”

6. “95% bedbug-free”

5. “Casino restroom attendant”

4. “Face tattoo”

3. “Limbaugh-esque”

2. “Per hour”

1. “Twice, with Andy Dick”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The five living ex-presidents all attended the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library, although the jury is still out on if Jimmy Carter is actually alive.

Not surprisingly, many of the books in the library are picture books and coloring books.

According to two new studies, Los Angeles has the worst smog and the worst traffic in the U.S.  Even though we don’t get snow in LA, on the bright side, we do get to throw smog balls at each other and build smogmen.  Instead of a carrot for a nose we use a broken exhaust pipe.

NBC has pulled the reality-dating show, Ready for Love, after three episodes.  It turns out they weren’t ready for love, only for sex, and now they are screwed.

There’s a new men’s cologne that smells like whiskey.  The same company makes a whiskey that tastes very sweet.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has returned to Twitter, but he was only allowed to do so on the condition that he wouldn’t use any body parts as a name label.

Because of the sequester, the FAA has been forced to lay off the cocktail waitresses that served drinks to the air traffic controllers.

Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him.  But luckily Tyson still has the brains of a bird….not the bird, but of a bird.

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards.  He said now that he free of that chain he feels so much better…the chain being a player for the Wizards….coming out of the closet was good too.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Things Overheard at the George W. Bush Presidential Library Dedication

Friday, April 26, 2013

10. “Is it ‘library’ or ‘libary’?”

9. “On your right is the hall of unread intelligence memos”

8. “Where did you get that suit – Men’s Wearhouse?”

7. “They forgot to build an exit for the Afghanistan war exhibit”

6. “Hey, Cheney, slow down on the cocktail weiners”

5. “It’s the only presidential library with a mechanical bull”

4. “What’s Nixon doing here?”

3. “I’m missing golf for this crap?”

2. “Who knew Bush was born in Kenya?”

1. “Duck!”

Top Ten Other AP Twitter Account Bulletins

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

10. Betty White’s pregnant

9. Seal Team 6 captures Reese Witherspoon

8. For a good meal at a fair price, you can’t beat Golden Corral

7. Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes — same guy

6. Apple replaces iPhone with edible PiePhone

5. George W. Bush to open presidential library (hard to believe, but that’s actually true)

4. Lindsay Lohan acquitted of all charges

3. Latvia calling it quits

2. Critics agree: Letterman at the top of his game

1. Governor Chris Christie skips dessert

Top Ten Signs Your First Day As A News Anchor Didn’t Go Well

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

10. Well, you’re wearing two neckties

9. Kept mispronouncing your own name

8. Weatherman tells you to expect an 80% chance of unemployment

7. Your tearful, on-air admission of falsifying your resume

6. Referring to Kim Jong Un as “Our great and powerful leader”

5. No one appreciated your Walter Conkite impression

4. Last story of the broadcast announced a job opening for a news anchor

3. Received congratulatory phone call from Sue Simmons (video of Sue: “What the f**k are you doing!?”)

2. Kept dropping your pants and yelling “This just in!”

1. Aspired to be the next Ernie Anastos (video of Ernie: “Keep f**kin that chicken”)

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Obama unveiled his 2014 budget.  Before it is passed there will be a lot of give and take.  Mostly taking from the taxpayers and giving to the government.

According to a new survey, 48% of male dog owners said they rely more on their computers than on their dogs, to which the dogs replied, “Yeah, well can your computer do this for you?” as the dogs sniffed their owners butts.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  The mayor is so desperate he has even been responding to e-mails from Nigerian royalty.

Target has officially apologized for calling the color of a plus sized dress on their website, “Manatee gray.”  They said they understand now that some manatee’s are actually brown.

Last week Dick Cheney used politically technical terms to describe our situation with North Korea as, “We are deep doo-doo.”  I hate it when leaders use terms we laymen can’t understand.

Obama’s new budget has $8 billion for job training programs.  The $8 billion dollars will create many jobs for government trainers, who will then be laid off and collect unemployment because there are no actual jobs to train people for.

Lindsay Lohan will be moving into the Seafield Center on Long Island for 90 days of drug rehab.  Her father, Michael, was treated there in the late 80’s so we can expect this rehab to be equally as effective as her previous rehabs.

Carnival is now offering Caribbean cruises for as little as $38 per night.  Running water, working toilets and barf bags are all extra.

An 18 year old girl from the UK has only eaten packaged noodle soups for the last 13 years.  She realizes this has not been the healthiest diet so she is going to upgrade it by starting to eat at McDonald’s.

The Iranian government is claiming their scientists have developed a time machine. I thought the Iranian government was already back in the 19^th century.

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Here are some of the classic jokes by HennyYoungman, the true king of the one-liners:

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.”

Take my wife… please.

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said “Yes”, and walked away.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week the White House had its 35^th annual Easter Egg Roll and the theme was “be healthy, be happy, be you,” and all the fat kids were like, “how can I be me if I’m happy and healthy?”  And then they added, “Just give me a soda, a pizza, a video game and leave me alone.”

President Obama proposed spending $100 million to map the human brain in hopes of unlocking some of its mysteries, for example, why the federal government spends so much money on useless crap like this study.

The other day on the White House basketball court President Obama made 2 of 22 shots.  Not only that, but his golf game is struggling, causing him a lot of stress.  Luckily, he doesn’t have to worry about those pesky problems like a bad economy.

Pope Francis is going to review the scandal ridden Vatican Bank as one of his first actions.  It’s surprising actually, who even knew there were altar boys working with the priests at the bank.

Scientists now say that frogs can predict earthquakes, so now if you see a frog on the weather channel telling you about a coming earthquake we can thank the scientists.

According to a new poll, 13% of Americans think President Obama is the antichrist, while Obama himself, considers he is Christ.

Kim Jung-Un of North Korea has threatened to attack America.  But then, he has also recently threatened to get a normal haircut but he hasn’t done that either.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  Their economy was so messed up they even asked Greece for a loan.

According to a new poll, 52% of Americans support legalizing marijuana.  Many of the others were too high to give an opinion.

According to the National Enquirer, Cher is falling apart.  Luckily, she’s no stranger to plastic surgery so she can be put back together again.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are David Letterman’s top ten lists from last week:

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Hell

Friday, April 5, 2013

10. Front door – Turkey; back door – Trenton

9. It’s loosely modeled after Kennedy Airport’s Delta terminal

8. Most people are there for loitering

7. Smells like a Yankee Candle store

6. People give away endings to films without saying “spoiler alert”

5. High temperature and humidity good for sinuses

4. Considering ban on large sodas

3. Everyone shares one bathroom

2. Waiters are extra-chatty

1. After recent takeover, was renamed “Trump Hell”

Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Jay Leno

Thursday, April 4, 2013

10. Whenever he used a “Headline” I sent in, I got a “Tonight Show” T-shirt

9. Now I’m the only guy in late night television who’s not a Jimmy

8. He looks damn good in denim

7. Driving one of his antique fire trucks

6. Playful spats with Gelman

5. If you broke down on the freeway, Jay was always there to help with a camera crew

4. Can’t remember the name of the bit, but it’s the one where Jay is walking

3. He’s mom’s favorite talk show host

2. I won’t be able to do this anymore (Dave does Leno impression)

1. Watching him interview big stars who won’t do this show

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Traveling with Your Monkey

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

10. “When was my last tetanus shot?”

9. “Would it be easier to FedEx the monkey?”

8. “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”

7. “Should I take my monkey out of school for this?”

6. “Are we visiting countries that consider monkey a delicacy?”

5. “Isn’t this the premise of every disease-outbreak movie?”

4. “Will other travelers mind the smell of monkey?”

3. “Should my monkey and I just take a staycation?”

2. “Do I have my monkey’s allergy medicine?”

1. “Germany is welcoming to monkeys, right?”

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn’t Ready for the Season

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

10. Your first baseman is so fat, he’s also your second baseman

9. Your cleanup hitter has asked to work from home

8. Most of your players believe the uniform buttons in the back

7. Minutes before first pitch, clubhouse kid runs to Dick’s to buy bats

6. Already planning your October vacations

5. Most players spent off-season attempting to steal back their memorabilia

4. Opening Day giveaway is a letter of apology from the General Manager

3. Something is still not quite right with the big dance number

2. Team doctor: Conrad Murray

1. You’re the New York Mets

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