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Here are some jokes  by comedian Maria Bamford from her stand-up act:

I actually thought about getting breast implants because I’m a radical, militant feminist and a hypocrite, it turns out.

Nobody’s ever offered me money to have sex. Sure — a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

I’m afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.

Sometimes I worry I don’t want to get married as much as I’d like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

My friends from L.A. stop me and say, ‘Maria, you already do so much. You make people laugh; it’s the greatest gift in the world.’ I only do that, like, four minutes a day, if it’s going well. Maybe in the off-time, I could sponge bathe the dying or just hose things off a little bit.

My supervisor — let’s call him Greenbean — said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.

My sister’s a doctor; she’s super successful…. She’s a pathologist, though I like to introduce her as ‘This is my sister Sarah. She cuts up the dead into chunks.’

Thinking about having kids, got the names picked out. They’re gonna be Donut and The Golden Hen. I know what you’re saying, ‘How do you know they’re gonna be girls?’ But a mother knows.

My manager was saying that it might be time for me to get Botox, and I said, ‘Oh I don’t know, I’m kinda still using my face.’

I used to be afraid of relationships. Someone would ask me out and I’d say, ‘Just take my purse, don’t hurt me!’

My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

I’m trying to believe in God, ’cause I know it gives you a good feeling, and I think it feels like — you know when you’re a third world shanty town at night, and you’re terrified, and you see the glowing logo of an international conglomerate in the distance? And you just feel like, ooh, it’s gonna be OK. Someone’s looking out for us.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Rick Santorum is so anti-gay that his secret service code name is “say no to TSA groping.”

A 55 year-old grandmother wants to try out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.  If she makes it her job will be to say to the other cheerleaders, “Don’t you think that outfit is a little too revealing?”

President Obama told a crowd of auto workers that in 5 years when he is no longer president that he is going to buy a Chevy Volt.  There was no hint on what he might be driving in the prior 4 years  when he’s not president.

Bristol Palin is getting her own reality show.  It’s being called “Who’s More Annoying, Me or My Mom?”

Snooki is pregnant.  She’s had so much alcohol in her life that if she breast feeds the baby the child will be able to follow in her mother’s alcoholic footsteps at a very early age.

The approval rating for Congress continues to be at 10%.  O.J. Simpson is more popular than Congress.  But at least O.J. was good at something.  Football, that is.  I didn’t mean he was good at getting away with murder because Congress does that all the time too.

March is National Ethics Awareness Month.  Surprisingly, Congress is still open during that time period.  I assume that is because they have no awareness of ethics.

I saw a headline that said “Obama Granted $2.6 Billion to Four Wind Energy Firms.”  I wondered if that was code for having granted the money to political PACS because nowhere is there more hot air produced than by politicians.

Paula Deen has been accused of condoning sexual harassment and racist remarks.  She figured a lot of the food she was pushing on others was so sweet that she didn’t have to be.

A Sri Lankan man died while trying to set the record for being buried alive.  Now, no one knows if he set the record and he’s not around to celebrate if he did.

I saw another headline that said “Chupacabras With Wings and Fangs Blamed for Sheep Deaths.”  I don’t know what chupacabras are, but it sounds like a menu item at Taco Bell and it that’s the case they could be responsible for deaths all over the U.S.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Rick Santorum said he believes Satan has his sights set on America.  Being a former member of Congress, he should know, since Satan took over there a while ago.

Newt Gingrich said Obama was the worst President in U.S. history.  He got a prominent Democrat to agree with him too because Jimmy Carter was in the background cheering and fist pumping as he said, “YES!!!  I’m not the worst!”

Scientists have created artificial meat using stem cells in a test tube.  Let’s just hope they were grass fed stem cells.

Taco Bell’s response to the artificial meat was that as soon as the price would come down that was going to be their new official source of all their artificial meat.

Paris Hilton just released a music video for her song, Drunk Text.  You’ve heard the old adage, write (or in this case, sing) what you know about.

Rick Santorum says he rejects the idea of separation of church and state.  Sweater vest manufacturers are complaining about all his stupid comments because he is making them look bad.

As the economy is showing slight signs of recovery Obama has said the time to blame former President Bush for things is over and he is now taking full responsibility for the economy.

Obama has a new campaign slogan.  It is simply “I promise __________ .”  And you get to fill in the blank with whatever you want.

A sculpture installed in the front lawn of a school in Alaska has created a controversy because people are saying it looks like a vagina.  The sculptor can’t believe there is a controversy and to all his critics he suggests they take a look at the backside of the sculpture.

I read an article this week about places with politically incorrect names such as Wop Draw, Wyoming, Jewtown, Georgia and Polack Lake, Michigan.  It made me realize my home state of Pennsylvania isn’t so much politically incorrect as it is sexually perverted with names of towns such as Blue Ball, Virginsville, and Beavertown.  (Okay, that last one is named after actual beavers but I included it for my own enjoyment.)

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Here are some jokes from stand up comedian, Zach Galifianakis, who was also the star of the movie, Hangover:

I want to do another reality show based on ‘The Mole,’ but it’s really about STDs — sexually transmitted diseases — and it’s called, ‘God, I Hope That’s a Mole.’

When I go to events and concerts, there’s a lot of people that yell ‘Woo!’ or ‘Yeah!’ when they like something. I like to be more specific when I yell things out. I like to, like — when I’m at a concert I like to yell out things like: ‘The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!’

Growing up my dad was like, ‘Zach, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.’ And he’s so right. Take this, for instance: She had a crack-baby vs. she had a crack, baby.

Now, I’d like to do a few characters, if I can. This first character I’ve been working on is called The Timid Pimp, and he’s on the phone with one of his hookers. Here we go: The Timid Pimp — ‘Um, hi, Amber? Hi, it’s Marcus. Yeah, I can hold.’

I’m Greek, and I have sinus problems. And I know why: my body produces feta cheese. It’s not really a joke; it’s just a fact.

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize you’re just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name — and you’ve never been to that bar before.

Three years ago, my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities, and there’s nothing funny about that. But she phoned me the other day, and my caller ID exploded.

It’s really hard for me to perform tonight, and I’ll tell you why — four years ago to this very date, I decided to take my own life. And I said, ‘Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and your manager at work. End the misery.’ I don’t know how many of you have tried to jump off a Pizza Hut, but you really just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. And then you have to go back inside and serve Crazy Bread.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Monica Lewinsky was back in the news last week when PBS was promoting a documentary on Bill Clinton with Lewinsky as part of the focus.  It was ironic that the promo came out on Valentine’s Day and every man was hoping it would serve as a hint of what he really wanted from his spouse on Valentine’s Day.

A man in California was charged with cooking and eating cats.  The mouse community was up in arms protesting this arrest.

Also, the man, did confess that he was always partial to cats over dogs.

Chelsea Handler was getting heat about making a joke about little people in an interview with Rosie O’Donnell.   In Chelsea’s defense is was just a short joke.

Last week, early one morning many people in upstate South Carolina witnessed what they believed was a UFO streaking through the sky and crashing.  It is believed the UFO had abducted some very obese citizens of Mississippi and it just couldn’t bear the extra weight.

At a Pennsylvania Wal-Mart, a 300 lbs. naked man stole a pair of socks before he was arrested.  At 300 lbs. he was hoping there was already enough sagging to cover up the private parts but I think Wal-Mart would have thrown in a pair of underwear just for promotional purposes.  And then, since it was in Pennsylvania, if Rick Santorum could have given him a sweater vest the guy would have had a whole new wardrobe.

Lady Gaga has a new perfume out on the market.  It smells like meat that has been sitting out for a while that has been made into a dress.

Cheryl Teigs was the first person fired by Donald Trump on the new season of Celebrity Apprentice.  Apparently, he was jealous that her hair was nicer than his.

Police arrested a man in Florida after finding crack cocaine in his buttocks.  Shouldn’t it be legal to have crack in your crack?  By the way, the policeman who found the crack is now being recruited by the TSA.

In Connecticut, a son served his 98 year-old mother an eviction notice from the house she lived in for almost 60 years.  He said he was concerned about her health and her living alone…and, oh yeah, he wants the money when he sells the house.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week, Vice-President, Joe Biden, had a telephone call with the Vice-President of China.  Suddenly an Abbott and Costello routine comes to mind.

According to Time Magazine, 1.3 million condoms are being recalled because they were defective.  But the good news is any couple that got pregnant while using the defective condoms can get a full refund.

Last week was the 2^nd anniversary of Michelle Obama’s campaign to reduce obesity, the “Let’s Move” program.  Or as the fat kids are saying, “How many more days until the election?”

According to a new Gallup poll, 10% of Americans approve of the job that Congress is doing.  Coincidentally, 10% of the population is either related to a congressman or has had illegal dealings with one.

After a couple “unfriended” a woman on Facebook, the woman’s father and a friend murdered the couple.  This gave the Facebook people an idea to create a new game to compliment Farmville.  They are calling it Murderville.

A father taught his daughter a lesson after she broke ground rules and posted on Facebook and made disrespectful comments about him.  So the father made a video and posted it on YouTube where he shot eight bullets into the daughter’s laptop.  Now the Facebook folks are re-thinking the above noted Murderville idea and want a broader theme so they are changing it to PsychoDadville.

A 48 year-old millionaire adopted his girlfriend.  After they make love and he says, ”Who’s your daddy?” he wanted to make sure she gives the right answer.

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day in honor of Saint Valentine, the patron saint of evil intentions towards men.

A Mississippi Junior College student was arrested when what he wrote about passing gas in the library was misconstrued as a bomb threat.  If it truly was just a mistake, and this kid’s farts are bad enough to be mistaken for a bomb, the last thing they need is for him to be eating prison food and making them smell worse.

Some people are now saying Madonna’s halftime show was filled with satanic symbolism.  Her publicist said if anyone has a complaint they should call 666-666-6666.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

After President Obama wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater last week with his singing voice the producers of American Idol invited him to sing on their show next year.  The timing couldn’t be better because he expects to have a lot of time on his hands after the election.

Newt Gingrich still feels he has a shot in this election.  He figures he should not only be a favorite with fat Americans, but also of divorced Americans, which between the two has to cover about 90% of the population.

Newt is touting himself as a regular guy, a sort of “every man.”  I don’t know if he is every man but as fat as he is he could definitely pass for two or three of them.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked friends and family to pray for her husband, Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  He’s already won 3 Super Bowls and he’s married to a supermodel.  That’s like asking people to pray for Mitt Romney to make more money.

The labor department announced that the economy created 243,000 new jobs last month.  Unfortunately, none of them were in the US.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a study has shown that nagging is the number one cause for divorce in the US.  The number two cause was when injury caused by men ignore the nagging.

Taco Bell is being investigated in a salmonella outbreak that sickened 68 people in 10 states.  A Taco Bell spokesman said, “What’s the big deal? That’s way below our average…Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward!”

Last week was Groundhog Day.  The groundhog saw his shadow so it looks like we’ll have 6 more weeks of Republican primaries.

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  Interestingly, his former profession was boxer, but his career was brief because he liked to chase women who wore thongs.

According to a report 60% of Miami residents are miserable.  Coincidentally, this survey was done during a week when Miami stores were having a hard time getting deliveries of “Depends.”

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

When Obama was at Disney World last week he went into one of their stores.  As he was leaving one of the clerks said to him, “Mr. President, you have to pay for the Mickey Mouse ears…oh, sorry, never mind.”

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of al-Qaeda magazine.  It was the issue where Barbara Walters interviewed the ten most interesting terrorists of the years.

KC of KC and the Sunshine Band had a birthday this week.  Not that he’s getting old, but now when he does a little dance, he can no longer make a little love, because he’s got to sit down tonight….and rest.

According to a University of Michigan study, talking about sex is as important to a relationship as having sex.  Unless, since 40% of men now have moobs, or male breasts, they get into comparing breast size with their wives….then it’s not the best.

Last weekend in Oakland 400 “Occupy protesters” were arrested for throwing rocks bottles and starting fires.  Police are theorizing that it’s been so long since an Oakland sports team won a championship that rioters had to find something else to riot about.

A woman in Iowa gave birth to a baby boy weighing 13 lbs. and 13 ounces.  So, now American youth aren’t even waiting to get out of the womb to get fat.

Mitt Romney says he’s not from Washington and that’s why he should be elected President.  Great, since he’s not from there he’s going to end up taking even more vacations than Obama does.

Romney also said about not being from Washington, that he’s lived on the real streets of America…the ones paved with gold.

A hospital worker from Logan, Utah was arrested for having sex with an unconscious woman in the hospital he worked at.  He told police he just made a mistake.  After he touched her between the legs and she didn’t move, he was sure it was his wife so he thought it was okay to have sex with her.

President Obama announced a new energy plan.  He’s going to vacation more and conserve his energy until he finds out who his opponent in the election will be so he knows who to attack.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs.  Appropriately, the code name they had for the plan was “Goofy.”

According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese.  So, if California ever does fall into the ocean we’ll know why.

Wikipedia was voluntarily down for a day last week in protest of proposed laws for anti-piracy.  So, for that day you had to go to another source if you wanted misinformation about a topic.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage.  I don’t think that’s different than most politicians.  He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.

A human head was found near the famous Hollywood sign in Hollywood hills.  Parts of the brain were missing so police were pretty certain that it was a local resident rather than a tourist.

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Last week a woman took her 5 year-old son along with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she had no money for a baby sitter and that’s why she was robbing the bank.

Newt Gingrich overheard a newsman reporting about the election saying, “The stakes were very high.”  Newt’s reaction was, “Steaks?  I’ll have three, well done.”

Chris Christie had harsh words about Newt Gingrich’s past record.  One reporter called it putting a knife into Newt’s back.  Naturally, Christie would have saved the fork for himself because he was going to lunch right afterword – hey, fat guys gotta eat.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Illinois passed a new law that allows people to eat road kill they find on the highway.  Taco Bell was like, “Oh great, another competitor for our meat source.”

Newt Gingrich has an excellent chance to be our next President because he has so much in common with many Americans, being overweight like he is.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city.  It could be because they are just a little behind the times there.  When people were asked if they were gay they just thought they meant happy.

The homosexuals of San Francisco response was, “We think Salt Lake City is nice but San Francisco is FABULOUS.”

It looks more and more like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential candidate.  He’s feeling more confident too.  His new campaign slogan is, “I’m as good as it gets, deal with it.”

Michelle Obama was being interviewed by CBS’s Gayle King and was asked about being characterized as an “angry black woman.”  Michelle’s response was, “If I hear that characterization one more time I’m gonna kick some ass.”

I saw a headline this week that said “Nancy Pelosi defending Barney Frank and discussing her feelings about Anthony Weiner.”  Frank and Weiner?  Is it me or is Nancy Pelosi subliminally setting us up for her retirement when she plans to open a hot dog stand?

A new study says that America’s obesity rate is down.  Trouble is they left out part of the phrase.  It should have read it was “down the toilet,” which gives it a whole new meaning.

Authorities arrested a man in North Carolina after his neighbor caught him having sex with her 60 lb. dog.  The man claimed his neighbor must be some kind of a pervert for having watched it.

In China, an Apple store couldn’t open because of safety concerns with a mob of people waiting outside to buy the iPhone 4S.  When they didn’t open the crowd pelted the store with eggs.  People in China are already stocking up on eggs in anticipation of the release of iPhone 5.

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