After President Obama wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater last week with his singing voice the producers of American Idol invited him to sing on their show next year.  The timing couldn’t be better because he expects to have a lot of time on his hands after the election.

Newt Gingrich still feels he has a shot in this election.  He figures he should not only be a favorite with fat Americans, but also of divorced Americans, which between the two has to cover about 90% of the population.

Newt is touting himself as a regular guy, a sort of “every man.”  I don’t know if he is every man but as fat as he is he could definitely pass for two or three of them.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked friends and family to pray for her husband, Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  He’s already won 3 Super Bowls and he’s married to a supermodel.  That’s like asking people to pray for Mitt Romney to make more money.

The labor department announced that the economy created 243,000 new jobs last month.  Unfortunately, none of them were in the US.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a study has shown that nagging is the number one cause for divorce in the US.  The number two cause was when injury caused by men ignore the nagging.

Taco Bell is being investigated in a salmonella outbreak that sickened 68 people in 10 states.  A Taco Bell spokesman said, “What’s the big deal? That’s way below our average…Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward!”

Last week was Groundhog Day.  The groundhog saw his shadow so it looks like we’ll have 6 more weeks of Republican primaries.

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  Interestingly, his former profession was boxer, but his career was brief because he liked to chase women who wore thongs.

According to a report 60% of Miami residents are miserable.  Coincidentally, this survey was done during a week when Miami stores were having a hard time getting deliveries of “Depends.”

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When Obama was at Disney World last week he went into one of their stores.  As he was leaving one of the clerks said to him, “Mr. President, you have to pay for the Mickey Mouse ears…oh, sorry, never mind.”

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of al-Qaeda magazine.  It was the issue where Barbara Walters interviewed the ten most interesting terrorists of the years.

KC of KC and the Sunshine Band had a birthday this week.  Not that he’s getting old, but now when he does a little dance, he can no longer make a little love, because he’s got to sit down tonight….and rest.

According to a University of Michigan study, talking about sex is as important to a relationship as having sex.  Unless, since 40% of men now have moobs, or male breasts, they get into comparing breast size with their wives….then it’s not the best.

Last weekend in Oakland 400 “Occupy protesters” were arrested for throwing rocks bottles and starting fires.  Police are theorizing that it’s been so long since an Oakland sports team won a championship that rioters had to find something else to riot about.

A woman in Iowa gave birth to a baby boy weighing 13 lbs. and 13 ounces.  So, now American youth aren’t even waiting to get out of the womb to get fat.

Mitt Romney says he’s not from Washington and that’s why he should be elected President.  Great, since he’s not from there he’s going to end up taking even more vacations than Obama does.

Romney also said about not being from Washington, that he’s lived on the real streets of America…the ones paved with gold.

A hospital worker from Logan, Utah was arrested for having sex with an unconscious woman in the hospital he worked at.  He told police he just made a mistake.  After he touched her between the legs and she didn’t move, he was sure it was his wife so he thought it was okay to have sex with her.

President Obama announced a new energy plan.  He’s going to vacation more and conserve his energy until he finds out who his opponent in the election will be so he knows who to attack.

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According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs.  Appropriately, the code name they had for the plan was “Goofy.”

According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese.  So, if California ever does fall into the ocean we’ll know why.

Wikipedia was voluntarily down for a day last week in protest of proposed laws for anti-piracy.  So, for that day you had to go to another source if you wanted misinformation about a topic.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage.  I don’t think that’s different than most politicians.  He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.

A human head was found near the famous Hollywood sign in Hollywood hills.  Parts of the brain were missing so police were pretty certain that it was a local resident rather than a tourist.

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Last week a woman took her 5 year-old son along with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she had no money for a baby sitter and that’s why she was robbing the bank.

Newt Gingrich overheard a newsman reporting about the election saying, “The stakes were very high.”  Newt’s reaction was, “Steaks?  I’ll have three, well done.”

Chris Christie had harsh words about Newt Gingrich’s past record.  One reporter called it putting a knife into Newt’s back.  Naturally, Christie would have saved the fork for himself because he was going to lunch right afterword – hey, fat guys gotta eat.

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Illinois passed a new law that allows people to eat road kill they find on the highway.  Taco Bell was like, “Oh great, another competitor for our meat source.”

Newt Gingrich has an excellent chance to be our next President because he has so much in common with many Americans, being overweight like he is.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city.  It could be because they are just a little behind the times there.  When people were asked if they were gay they just thought they meant happy.

The homosexuals of San Francisco response was, “We think Salt Lake City is nice but San Francisco is FABULOUS.”

It looks more and more like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential candidate.  He’s feeling more confident too.  His new campaign slogan is, “I’m as good as it gets, deal with it.”

Michelle Obama was being interviewed by CBS’s Gayle King and was asked about being characterized as an “angry black woman.”  Michelle’s response was, “If I hear that characterization one more time I’m gonna kick some ass.”

I saw a headline this week that said “Nancy Pelosi defending Barney Frank and discussing her feelings about Anthony Weiner.”  Frank and Weiner?  Is it me or is Nancy Pelosi subliminally setting us up for her retirement when she plans to open a hot dog stand?

A new study says that America’s obesity rate is down.  Trouble is they left out part of the phrase.  It should have read it was “down the toilet,” which gives it a whole new meaning.

Authorities arrested a man in North Carolina after his neighbor caught him having sex with her 60 lb. dog.  The man claimed his neighbor must be some kind of a pervert for having watched it.

In China, an Apple store couldn’t open because of safety concerns with a mob of people waiting outside to buy the iPhone 4S.  When they didn’t open the crowd pelted the store with eggs.  People in China are already stocking up on eggs in anticipation of the release of iPhone 5.

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Centuries ago the Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012.  How do we know that wasn’t just some wild and crazy Mayan guys at a party pulling a practical joke?

President Obama’s campaign has just released a highlight reel of his top accomplishments.  Don’t worry it’s very short.  There’s an introduction, ending credits and that’s it.

In the event Obama does get re-elected in 2012 what would he actually do for the next four years?  The only thing he knows how to do effectively as President is run for office and he can’t run again in 2016.

According the National Enquirer Kobe Bryant cheated on his wife with 105 different women.  But by NBA standards that’s like being faithful.

Leaders in Saudia Arabia will start enforcing a law that allows females only to work in lingerie stores.  There has been a former rule that only men could work in lingerie stores but too many of the men were wearing panties on their heads and there were too many accidents where customers slipped in the puddles of drool left by the male workers.

Obama has announced that he wants to shrink the size of the military.  But he tells us not to worry because it won’t increase unemployment.  For every military man they get rid of they will hire two paper pushers to get the job done.

According to research a person’s brain power starts to diminish after 45, which explains a lot about  Congress since their average age is 58.

The Boston Globe has endorsed Jon Huntsman, of course, the endorsement was in the comics section of the paper.

A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.  When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, “It wasn’t me, was it?”

According to the National Enquirer, Chaz Bono told his mother, Cher, that he never wanted to see her again.  Cher said back to him, “Don’t worry, I’ll just have some more plastic surgery and you won’t even recognize me.”

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North Korean leader Kim Jong II passed away last week at 69.  In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you send instructions on how to make nuclear weapons.

It is unclear how Kim Jong II died but there are many theories.  The most likely theory is that he died of an overdose of sunglasses.

News was leaked to the LA Times and the NY Times that the Tiger Woods’ divorce settlement netted his wife almost $100 million.  The source of the leak was believed to be Kobe Bryant’s wife.

According to a survey “whatever” was the most annoying word of 2011.  I can think of many words way more annoying than that, such as Congress, Obamacare, etc.  You get the idea.

Scientists are warning that the world supply of frankincense could be cut in half over the next 15 years.  Presumably, this is because they are expecting an increase in Wise Men.  Women are doubting this theory.

According to a new survey, 85% of grandparents are in favor of legalizing marijuana.  That is not surprising at all since many of the people that are now grandparents were pot head back in the 60s and 70s.

According to a new study, Christmas is the best time to tell loved ones that they are overweight.  The theory here is that they will probably already be fighting anyway at the family get-together.

A Congressman from Wisconsin apparently thought he’d put that theory to the test and said that Michelle Obama had a big butt.  It did not go over well.  The flaw in his thinking is that she is a Democrat and he is a Republican, so they are not loved ones.

Yet another study says that joggers who drink coffee before they jog can run a lot faster, especially if they got the coffee at Starbucks because then their pockets were a lot lighter.

Ex-Congressman, Anthony Weiner, who resigned after sexually explicit photographs and emails of himself were revealed, had a baby son with his wife last week.  He posted picture of him on Facebook with the title, “My little Weiner.”

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Larry King says he wants to be cryogenetically frozen when he dies.  Who knew he was still alive?

Donald Trump is going to moderate one of the upcoming Republican debates.  He agreed to do it because he gets to fire one of the candidates.

So far only Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have RSVPed for the debate Donald Trump will be hosting.  Since no one knew Santorum was still in the race it will be like Gingrich is debating with himself, which gives him the title of masterdebater.

President Obama is being criticized for taking a 17 day vacation at this time, especially, since in just a year he’ll be going on a permanent vacation.

Former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich got sentenced to 14 years in prison.  That was 7 years for fraud and 7 years for a really bad hairstyle.

Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight for not turning off his cell phone and then being rude.  You really can’t fault him for being rude, though, since it’s what he does and he has honed it to a fine art.  ( As a side note, the skit he did on SNL was really very funny but I think he can kiss goodbye the possibility of ever flying on American Airlines again.)

The world’s oldest dog has passed away in Japan at the age of 26 years and 8 months.  What really makes it unusual is that in Japan dogs are usually eaten way before that.

The E! Network has announced there are going to be multiple spinoffs of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”  One of the spinoffs will be “Keeping up with all the Kardashian shows.”

A study has found that rats are actually really nice.  Yet that is very contradictory to all the other previous studies about Congress.

For the second week in a row a dog has “accidentally” shot their owner.  It almost as if these dogs are becoming cats.

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Before he dropped out of the GOP race, Herman Cain was asked about foreign affairs and his response was, “Now that’s something I have definitely not had.”

Ricky Martin is in talks to join the cast of Glee.  The producers are hoping if he does join the cast that it won’t make it look like a gay show.

Facebook is supposedly developing a new smart phone.  If it’s really smart it won’t be letting it’s users spend so much time on Facebook.

Jon Huntsman was openly pushing for Herman Cain to get out of the GOP presidential race.  He said, “We have more important issues to talk about than the latest bimbo eruption.”  For Huntsman a more important issues would be to ask, “Who is Jon Huntsman?”

President Obama met in the Oval Office with Timothy Geithner, the Treasury Secretary, on Monday.  He started the conversation with, “China hasn’t foreclosed yet, have they?”

Since the US Post Office is facing bankruptcy they are going to be making cuts that will slow down the delivery. Good plan!  Make the service crappier to increase your business.

For your Christmas gifts and cards to arrive on time you will need to have mailed them last week.

December is National Identity Awareness Month.  Identity thieves are proud to have their own specially designated month.  After they are caught and in prison they’ll have a special time designated for them there too, which is “Bend Over in the Shower to Pick Up Your Soap Awareness Month.”

According to a survey, only 1% of teenagers sext.  They said they were too busy having sex with their teachers to be sexting.

A high school principal from the Bronx is in hot water for a Facebook photo of her with a topless man drizzling chocolate sauce on her.  She’ll be in detention all next week after school and several male students have volunteered to supervise the detention.

NY police officers accidentally ate the pizza and drank the sodas bought by two Occupy protesters they had arrested minutes earlier.  They said it wasn’t a big deal because they also went to the bathroom for the protesters to relieve themselves of the pizza and sodas.

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Basketball player, Kris Humphries has reportedly told Kim Kardashian that she has no talent and her fame would not last.  We may have an example of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. 5.6 points per game career average.

A transgender woman in Miami, posing as a doctor, is accused of injecting a concoction of cement, mineral oil and “Fix-a-Flat” into a woman’s butt in order to fill it out.  Now people are wondering if this is what made Nancy Pelosi’s face the way it is, or is this, actually, her face we’ve been seeing?  It could be her ass.

I thought of writing an article for my web site about what Congress and the President are doing for the economy but there was nothing to write about so no article.

Congress recently declared pizza a vegetable for school lunches.  What’s next?  Are they going to say there is a Supercommittee in Congress?…Oh wait…

The current cost of the items in the “12 Days of Christmas” song now costs over $100k.  Congress heard about this and, keeping with THEIR Christmas spirit, they want to impose a tax anytime someone sings the song.

A man claimed his sperm was stolen last week.  But that’s what happens when you leave your stuff lying around.

Michael Lohan did not get arrested for anything last week but he did have to have heart surgery.  Lindsay was in shock.  She didn’t know her father had a heart.

The Kardashian Christmas special might be cancelled but I’m not going to let that ruin my holiday fun.  I’m still planning to have a big ass Christmas celebration.

The NBA strike is over and illegitimate children all over the country are cheering because their mothers will get to receive their child support payments from the players.

Oklahoma has had its sixth earthquake in four days.  Apparently Mother Nature thinks Oklahoma is the new California.  Either she thinks California and a few other states have already fallen into the ocean, she is on Psychiatric drugs or she is now working for the post office and the earthquake delivery got lost.

Five people were arrested at the Occupy LA camp when they refused to leave after it was closed down.  Now they’ll get to occupy LA County Jail.  At least it will be cleaner and the food will probably be better.

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PETA released an ad for Thanksgiving targeting kids saying, “If you wouldn’t eat a dog, why eat a turkey?”  All the kids from Korean and Vietnamese families in the United States are like, “What’s the problem?”

The Post Office lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

President Obama is trying to get Bill Clinton to openly back him but Herman Cain is the most likely candidate to appeal to Clinton.

There was a video going around the Internet last week showing Obama as a college student doing a segment for Black History Week.  Even back then you could see how good he was with a teleprompter.

Rick Perry has accused Obama of thinking he’s the smartest guy in the room.  I don’t know about that but you certainly can’t argue with the fact that he is really good at reading out loud.

Rick Perry has also challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate.  If he can’t beat her at that he has a backup plan.  He’s going to challenge her to a facial expression contest.

Last week the Occupy Wall Street protesters occupied the New York City subways…because that’s where they thought they would find all the millionaires?

If the NBA strike continues it could start to become disastrous to many of the players when their next child support payments come due.

A man was arrested last week for shooting at the White House.  When asked why he did it he said, “Ah, it was worth a shot.”

Congress approval is at an all-time low and people are saying it can’t go any lower.  Congress is taking this as a challenge and they are putting their Supercommittee to work on the job.

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