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Funny Quotes from Famous People – VII

Here are some very funny quotes from people who are mostly very famous: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. –Mitch Hedberg My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. -Spike Milligan My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. -Jay...

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Funny Observations From Current Events – 12/18/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 18-12-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

In an interview, President Obama said Joe Biden had what it took to be a great president.  But, of course, he thought Obamacare would be great too. (And really, how would Obama know what it takes to be a great president, anyway?)

Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should change their name.  So, finally we’re getting to that change part of the “hope and change” that he talked about when he got elected.

A Chicago strip club is offering free lap dances to customers who donate a toy.  They did specify that a dildo  is not considered a toy.

According to CNN, 200,000 Americans have signed up for a one way ticket to Mars.  Unfortunately, none of them have money to pay for it, they wanted to go there to look for jobs.

Just Bieber’s mom said she would like to have another child.  She’s hoping to get it right this time.

The political fact-checking website, PolitiFact, has said Obama’s statement, “If you like your health care plan, you can keep it,” has earned its lie of the year award.  When Miley Cyrus heard that her response was, “Hey, wait a minute….oh, never mind, that’s lie, not lay.”

In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin, slammed the U.S. for being “genderless and infertile.” So, now even the Russians are listening in on our conversations.

Obamacare is still struggling to catch on with most people. And so now the White House has started asking celebrities to endorse Obamacare.  Because if anyone knows about paying for health care it is celebrities who make $20M per movie.

Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support.  He also said, is there any way you can blame this on Obama?

On Tuesday, Google released its annual “Zeitgeist” lists, running down the top search terms in the U.S. this past year.  The most Googled question beginning with “What is” was…
“What is twerking?” (There is actually no punch line to this one, the facts are funny enough all on their own.)

darnfunnyonline.com

Funny Observations from Current Events – 12/10/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 10-12-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Over the weekend, a man who fell asleep on a United Express flight woke up to find himself all alone, locked inside the cold, dark plane.  The workers said they didn’t have the heart to wake him because he was the first person to ever get  a good sound sleep on a plane.

At Friday night’s Jingle Ball in Los Angeles, Miley Cyrus twerked on Santa Claus.  His response was “what a Ho Ho Ho.”

Someone recently suggested that Miley Cyrus get counseling.  She told them she has been getting counseling already – from Lindsay Lohan.

Last week fast-food workers walked off the job in 100 cities.  This left the regular fat–assed customers of the fast food restaurants “moving quickly” to find food alternatives.

These days, especially during the holidays, you can buy anything online—except ObamaCare.

Actually, the Obamacare website not working was just a ploy.  They can get the website working perfectly, but Obamacare, itself, will always suck.

Recently President Obama admitted that they “fumbled” on Obamacare.  If he was going to use football vernacular to describe what occurred, “throwing a bomb” would have been more accurate.

According to a new poll, Congress’ approval rating has fallen to an all-time low of  6%, which is a little hard to believe, because that is less than the percentage of people that are bribing Congress.

On ABC’s This Week, former White House Senior Advisor David Plouffe said: “People trust President Obama.”  This explains why he is the “former Senior Advisor,” he is apparently a heavy drug user.

In Virginia a car hit a deer and the deer then flew into a jogger.  The jogger suffered a concussion, a cut to her scalp and a bruise to her right knee.  Fat people everywhere hailed this as evidence that jogging can be hazardous to your health.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 10/08/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 08-10-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

We are lucky here is in the U.S.  If we are feeling down and it seems like no one cares, we always know we have Obamacare.

According to a new CNN poll, 10% of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing.  The definition of “job” that those 10% were going by was “like when your dog does a job on somebody’s front lawn.”

Even Joe Biden had to feel guilty last week for taking a paycheck as an “essential government employee.”

Interestingly enough, when you go to a government office that has been closed by the shut down the wait in line is about the same as it was before the shutdown.

The house voted unanimously to approve legislation for federal workers to be paid back pay after the government shut down ends.  Why did they need to vote?  Nothing new there, getting paid for not working!

The budget stalemate has gone on for over a week now.  Obama is getting so desperate he is thinking of asking Vladimir Putin to step in and negotiate a settlement.

Obama wants to raise the ceiling debt and pass a budget.  Does anyone else see the irony in the sequence of those events?

The shutdown is affecting many areas that people don’t normally think about, for example, Nancy Pelosi has agreed to forego any further Botox shots until the shutdown is over.

Things are getting so bad financially with the government that it may even force Congress and Obama to sign up for Obamacare.

Because of the shutdown all of the National Parks are closed.  Even the bear that tells us, “Only you can prevent forest fires,” has been laid off.

The Obama’s had their 21st wedding anniversary last week and as far as anyone can tell, his wedding vows were the last promises that he has kept.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 09/24/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 24-09-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Cher turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of their anti-gay laws.  She thought they might be using her as a way of rounding up all the gays.

The exciting thing about a government shutdown, theoretically, would be that it would also shut down Congress, but, sadly, they would continue to work, or at least show up, as the case may be.

According to a Fox News poll, most Americans don’t understand Obamacare, and that includes Obama and all of Congress.

While mainstream medicos have still not found a cure for cancer, at least we know our scientist are still hard at work as Miller Lite announced a new punch-top can that makes it easier to pour beer faster.

Obama is losing support among fellow Democrats, although some of them are happy about it.  For example, Jimmy Carter had a big smile on his face when he said, “I am no longer the worst president.”

There was a rally in Jacksonville for the Jacksonville Jaguars to sign Tim Tebow as their quarterback but management has decided it is too late as their season has already been condemned to hell.

In England, a 41 year-old man has been convicted of biting his neighbor’s penis during a fight.  He has since decided to move to San Francisco where that method of self defense is not only legal, it is often even encouraged.

An American woman with descendants from India won the Miss America contest this year.  Her talent was tech support.

Obamacare kicks in October 1st, which, not so coincidentally, coincides with many small businesses having going out of business sales.

Pamela Anderson announced that she will run in the New York City Marathon, so finally marathoning has become a spectator sport.

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 09/17/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 17-09-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Vladamir Putin said it’s dangerous for Americans to see themselves as exceptional, only Russian presidents should do that.

You can kind of get an idea why Putin would think that though, after all, the main American he’s in contact with is Obama.

This “exceptional” idea of Putin’s is why he decided to start arresting gays, they use the word “fabulous” way too often.

John Kerry was claiming that a military strike on Syria will send a message to Iran.  Here’s an idea, why don’t we just send a message to Iran directly via phone fax, email, even try Facebook.

The White House says the threat from Syria is chemical warfare.  They are said to have so many chemicals there that they are almost as toxic as New Jersey.

In Touch is reporting that Lamar Odom is so upset with the Kardashians that he may start revealing the family secrets.  It looks like now we’ll finally really get caught up with the Kardashians.

In an open letter to an Italian newspaper, Pope Francis said atheists can go to heaven.  To which the atheists replied, “Go where now?”

The Vatican said that the Catholic Church is ready to discuss if priests should be required to remain celibate.  This has come as a great relief to some priests who have been thinking, “That altar boy is really hot!”

Since Anthony Weiner lost his bid to become mayor of New York City his career in politics is probably over.  That has him worried because there aren’t nearly as many opportunities for private sector perverts.

A 43 year-old Tennessee woman was hospitalized after hiding $5,000 in her rectum, giving new meaning to making a cash deposit.

Apple just released their new iPhone.  It is such a smart smart phone that it can make people re-buy basically the same phone every few months.

darnfunnyonline.com

Funny Observations from Current Events – 08/13/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 13-08-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

President Bush had heart surgery.  There was an outpouring of get well wishes including from President Obama, who thanked Bush for always being there when he needed to blame someone.

President Obama met with Greek Prime Minister, Antonis Samarcis, to discuss reforming Greece’s economy.  Or as many are calling it, the real life version of the movie “Dumb and Dumber.”

The University of Iowa was named the number one party school in the U.S.  When I think Iowa I think farms and with all the farm animals in Iowa I’m afraid to think what may go on at their parties.

In a speech at Camp Pendleton, President Obama said, “A strong military depends on a strong economy.”  If that is true any angry kid with a sling shot is a threat to our military.

A school in New York City has removed a book on masturbation from its summer reading list.  Not to worry though, once these kids start looking for summer jobs in this economy they’ll be able to skip the masturbation because they’ll feel like they’ve been screwed.

Pete Rose, the all time hits leader in baseball, who was banned from baseball for gambling on games and who has repeatedly tried to get reinstated, has come out and said he should have taken steroids in his playing days.  Pete couldn’t pass “suck-up 101” even if he was given the answers to the test.

Joe Biden stirred speculation that he’s be running for President in 2016 with a recent visit to Iowa.  As a result, all the late night comedians got together, had a party and toasted to his candidacy.

According to a recent poll in New York City, Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner are an embarrassment to New York City voters.  The only thing more embarrassing is that a poll was needed to determine that.

When Anthony Weiner heard about the poll his response was, “Oh yeah, well anybody that said they were embarrassed by me in that poll can send me their e-mail address and I’ll send my own pole to them.”

George Lucas and his new wife just had a baby daughter.  When the baby came out she saw George and said, “Wait, are you my grandfather, my great-grandfather or was the force really, really with you nine months ago?”

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Funny Observations from Current Events – 08/07/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 07-08-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The Pope said he will not judge priests who are gay.  So, it looks like now is a really bad time to be an altar boy.

The National Enquirer says they have obtained an old cassette-tape of Monica Lewinsky trying to talk Bill Clinton into meeting her for a “quickie.”  You know it must be a fake.  Bill never had to be talked into that.

Today NSA leaker Edward Snowden entered Russia after spending 39 days at the Moscow Airport.  Oh boy, Russia!  Now he can experience real freedom.

According to the Congressional Budget Office, President Obama’s decision to delay the healthcare law’s employer-mandate will cost the government $10 billion.  To which the President said: “Our money printing press is still working, isn’t it?”

Last week at the White House, President Obama and Hillary Clinton met for lunch.  Joe Biden wasn’t invited but he did watch the entire lunch through a peephole.

According to a new study, smoking marijuana can have long-term negative side-effects, for example, it could cause you to be worthless as a president.

Some TSA workers were caught sleeping on the job, although it seems like they would have a good excuse.  It’s pretty natural to sleep after sex.  Even if it was just foreplay maybe the sleepers went to the bathroom after a good grope and finished the job off manually.

O. J. Simpson, who has soared up to 300 lbs. while in prison, has been granted parole, but not his freedom.  He still faces charges on at least four other counts, including assault on food.

San Diego’s mayor, Bob Filner, has been accused of sexually harassing eight women. He is saying the city is liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training.  Even more basic than that is giving the voters training on how not to elect a complete moron.

If Filner is not re-elected he can always get a job with the TSA.

darnfunnyonline.com

Funny Observations from Current Events – 07/30/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 30-07-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Anthony Weiner has lost his lead in the New York City mayor’s race.  He claims he is still in the lead by a head, but photographic evidence has proven otherwise.

Two years ago, when Anthony Weiner resigned, he said more embarrassing pictures may come out in the future.  That was because he never intended to stop sending them.

Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager said he has had enough and he resigned.  He felt Weiner was being overexposed.

The Pope, in a speech last week, told the people to give up the false idols of success and money.  To which Obama said, “And I’m helping everyone do that.”

The Obama administration admitted this week that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor…or a large percentage of your money.

In a recent interview with GQ magazine, Vice President Joe Biden says he can die a happy man never having been president of the U.S.  Needless to say, 100% of the population agrees.

President Obama began a series of speeches focusing on the economy, but then again this is the summer, so Americans are used to reruns at this time of year.

With the bankruptcy in Detroit, President Obama has a whole new pool of incompetent administrators to draw from to further erode the federal economy.

According to a new study, 81% of people lie on online-dating websites, as opposed to a 100% of dating prospects you meet in a bar.

A Louisiana police sting targeted and arrested gay men using an old anti-sodomy law.  Just what our prisons need, more men waiting in the shower for someone to bend over to pick up the soap.

darnfunnyonline.com

Funny Observations from Current Events – 07/23/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 23-07-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

President Obama said last week, “Trayvon could have been me 35 years ago.”  To which Republicans replied, “Why does he have to tease us like that?”

Obamacare is likely to lead to some unconventional medical handlings, especially where it can save a doctor’s time.  For example, when a man has an erection that has lasts for more than four hours, instead admitting them to an emergency room they’ll send them to a bordello and tell them, “Take advantage of it while you can, that’s why you took the Viagra in the first place, idiot!”

The Postmaster told Congress that the Post Office must end Saturday deliveries to make ends meet, thereby sticking to the theme of government productivity, “If you are already giving crappy service let’s see if we can get away with making it even more crappy?”

Ben Bernanke told the House Finance Services Committee that federal spending cuts could hurt the recovery.  The federal cuts he was referring to was to no longer paying statisticians to fudge the stats to make it look like we were in a recovery.

Kathleen Sebelius, of the Department of Health and Human Services, said that critics of Obamacare are spreading fear.  For example, she said, “Going for medical care under Obamacare won’t be anything like going to a 99 cent Hospital.”

NSA leaker, Edward Snowden claims to have more damaging documents that will further embarrass the U.S. government, which is a big disappointment to the Obama Administration because they finally thought they had achieved their goal as making the government as embarrassing as it could be.

A spa in Japan is offering a beauty treatment where live snails crawl around your face to rejuvenate your skin.  Unfortunately, it’s not a fast remedy.

A growing number of psychologists believe that Justin Bieber’s anti-social behavior is due to a Napoleon Complex.  Behind closed doors they are using the technical term that he’s “being an asshole.”

President Obama told a group of grade school children that his favorite food is broccoli, further evidence that the man can’t be trusted.

Critics are slamming the Boy Scouts of America for banning obese boys from their annual Jamboree.  Leaders are saying since they can no longer ban gay kids, in this way they can at least ban the fat, gay kids.

darnfunnyonline.com

Funny Observations from Current Events – 07/16/13

Posted by Steve Yeich | Posted in Jokes | Posted on 16-07-2013

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Thank god, Twinkies are back in the stores again because America’s collective asses are not fat and toxic enough already.  Besides that, we’ve fallen behind Mexico as the fattest country.  This should get us back to number 1 in the fat Olympics of the world, Go USA!

Mexico is now the fattest country in the world.  People thought that illegal immigration into the US was down because of the economy but it turns out the Mexicans are just getting too fat to crawl under the fence anymore.

Detroit quarterback, Mathew Stafford signed a new contract paying him $76 million.  Of course, most of that is considered hazard pay just to keep him living in Detroit.

Political experts say that Eliot Spitzer’s decision to return to politics could hurt Anthony Weiner’s chances of becoming the mayor of New York City because the voters may not want to vote for more than one pervert on election day.

President Obama met with Chinese leaders in the White House.  Analysts are thinking they may be checking the place out for when they foreclose.

An Ohio man was arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft.  His neighbors said he had been waiting for his inflatable doll to arrive in the mail for the last few days and he just couldn’t wait any longer.

A video has surfaced of Justin Bieber in a restaurant kitchen urinating into a mop bucket.  In a related story, Lindsay Lohan is finding Justin Bieber more and more attractive all the time.

According to the Globe, pregnant Princess Kate has banned Camilla from the delivery room.  Probably a good idea because you don’t want the baby coming out and saying, “She’s not my real grandmother, is she?”

A man was killed by his wife fifteen minutes after being released from jailed.  The irony is that he was so relieved that he would no longer have to worry about bending over to pick up the soap in the shower.

Obama praised George Bush Sr. for his volunteer initiatives, besides he was president too long ago to blame him for anything going wrong now.

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