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Here are some funny observations that were made after watching the news over the last week.

A fugitive drug lord named,”The Barbie”, was captured in Mexico last week.  This is likely to put a real crimp on sales of the Malibu Marijuana Barbie that Mattel was about to release.

A Cincinnati woman had been arrested for simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic movie while driving.  Thank god the police got to her before she was able to start texting to her friends about it.

Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession last week.  At first she said it wasn’t her purse with the cocaine.  Later she said she thought the cocaine was gum.  I’ll just bet when she was a young girl her dog used to eat her homework all the time.

Paris will never be mistaken for a bright girl.  To say she was smart would be like saying Congress stood for truth, justice and the American way.

A member of the Obama administration recently tried to take credit for a drop off in illegal immigrants entering the country.  Why would they come here?  Our economy is bad and there is corruption in the government.  That’s what they are trying to get away from.  The only reason they’d come here is because they’d be passing through on their way to Canada.

A plane was forced to land prematurely recently because a woman was scalded by tea.  Come November I believe there will be many Democrats who get scalded by tea as well, or at least by the Tea Party.

Obama has proposed a new jobs program for rebuilding roads, railways and airports.  He’s a little unrealistic though in his hope that it can be finished in time for the November elections.  He was hoping it would make it easier for the incumbents who get voted out to find their way home.

Obama was also heard saying to Joe Biden that a jobs program was needed because they would both be looking for work in a couple years, to which Biden replied, “You got that f___ing right.”

Yesterday was Labor Day but thanks to the stimulus program and many other Obama programs many people were just calling it “another day”.

That 2 year old Indonesian boy who had a 2 pack a day cigarette habit was able to quit by substituting sex every time he had an urge for a cigarette.

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If you are a woman and you want to see a man instantly get a blank look on his face just ask him to discuss your relationship.  In fact, it just occurred to me that some women could use this as a ploy to not getting any protest just before she is about to go clothing shopping and spend a lot of money.

It would go like this.  She is already dressed and ready to walk out the door.  She sees her husband who is watching TV and engages the ploy.  “You know, honey, I would really like to talk about our relationship.  Can we do that now?”  He immediately goes into a trance, 90% real, 10% feigned in hopes that she will leave without another word.  She waits for a response she knows is not forthcoming.  “Not now?  Okay, maybe later.  I’m going to go shopping then.”  She walks out the door with a smile as she heads off to her guilt free shopping adventure.  After all, she did notify him.  He sits there still fixated in the trace for at least another ten minutes.  Not fair at all!

Eventually, these relationship discussions are inevitable though.  We can only avoid them for so long.  They usually go about like this: (We’ll skip the preliminary stuff and go right to the woman nagging, ‘er, I mean discussing.)

Woman:  I feel like you don’t pay enough attention to me, unless we’re having sex. (Author’s commentary here: truthfully, he may not have been paying that much attention then either.)  And when we’re at home together you are always watching sports or playing video games.

What the man actually heard during this conversation was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex.”  When he heard sex he suddenly felt alive…until she continued talking.  Then, again, he heard her say, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sports or playing video games.”  Again he perked up.  Suddenly he is hit with  panic.  He doesn’t know what she said.  Does she want to have sex with him now?  If that’s the case he doesn’t want to blow the opportunity.  Or maybe she was telling him she enjoys it when he watches sports or plays video games, in which case let’s get busy watching or playing.  He’s hoping she didn’t say she wanted to watch or play the games with him, please, not that.

Suddenly she breaks the awkward silence that he was too self possessed to realize was occurring.

Woman:  (Angrily) Well, are you going to say anything at all?

Man:  Uh…did you say that..uh…that, uh, you wanted to have sex?

Then he finds himself waking up moments later rubbing his blackened eye.

Occasionally, when a man is just talking with his spouse and he doesn’t consider that they are talking about their relationship he might say something that she considers to be very sweet and loving.  He didn’t know any better and said it inadvertently.

Nevertheless, he will get a lot of credit for this, which means nothing more than the woman will tell all of her closest girlfriends about it.  Actually, she’ll constantly be telling them things that he did, good or bad.  It’s part of a code that women have.  They are compelled to talk about relationships to each other.  It’s like a pact they sign when they reach womanhood.  It’s also necessary because we men are too shallow to do it.

Some men might be tempted to secretly listen in on one of these women sessions sometime.  But the fact is that all they’d ever really hear anyway is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then he wanted to have sex.”

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Here are some funny observations based on the happenings in the news from the last week:

Ben Bernake has pledged to fight deflation but he basically said he has no idea how.  So he has been seen wearing boxing gloves and wandering around looking for some girl named Dee Flation.  Richard Nixon became famous for the line, “I am not a crook.”  Bernake is likely to be known for the line, “I am not an economist.”  In fact, he so much has no idea of what he is doing that he is thinking of retiring and becoming an executive for BP oil.

Miners in Chile’ are trapped in a mine and officials there are saying it will take months to get them out.  So, apparently the BP oil execs and engineers have been transferred to Chile’.

Male teachers in Milwaukee are up in arms because their health benefits are no longer going to cover Viagra.  At the same time the female students at the school who were having trouble getting passing grades are breathing a sigh of relief.

John Lennon’s toilet went on sale this last weekend at a Beatle’s convention in Liverpool, England.  You can bet Liverpool was flush with stories about that.  It sold for over $14,000 so you can bet the guy who bought that has a good head for business.  (Whew!  I feel relieved getting those toilet puns out of my system and, frankly, I’d have been pissed if I hadn’t.)

There is a car being developed that will be powered by urine.  This is seen to be a real boon to the beer industry.

Obama has said in a recent interview that he is not worried about all the rumors that he is Muslim and accusations that he wasn’t born in the US.  He was quoted as saying, “I can’t spend all my time with  my birth certificate plastered to my forehead.”  But maybe he could stuff it in his mouth or at least use it to cover the teleprompter when he talks so that we don’t have to hear about any more hope and change.  Too much more of his change and the country will be bankrupt.  (A little too much truth there to be very funny.  Sorry about that, so I’ll do one more.)

There is talk about doing a male version of The View.  In that show I guess you’ll have men sitting around burping, farting, cussing and watching sports while drinking beer and telling jokes about women.  What else would it be?

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It’s time for another episode of taking a look at how things could be much worse than they really are when you compare your situation to  that of some others.  Here we go:

It could be worse, you could be Roger Clemens, former baseball player indicted for lying to Congress about steroid use, and you thought since you were among the biggest group of liars on the planet that it was okay to lie, but then you found out you have to be a congressman for it to be okay to lie to Congress.

It could be worse, you could be a Nigerian businessman and you e-mail people telling them you need their bank account information to help get millions of dollars out of your country, and even in this economy you can’t find anybody stupid enough to fall for that scheme.

It could be worse, you could be Ben Bernake, Barack Obama, and Timothy Geither and you are actually so stupid, economically, that you fall for the scheme with the Nigerian businessman as a quick fix to handling the economy.

It could be worse you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper and she has started seeing  Ronald McDonald because she likes his Big Mac. (Sorry, I’ve done that joke before in “It Could Be Worse” but I tweaked it a little so I could justify using it again because I get such a big kick out of it.  Who knows, I may use it again next time too.)

It could be worse, you could be ready to retire and you make a list of all the things you want to do when you retire and you realize you can never afford to retire.  (Okay, that one may be a little too real to be considered humor, but it stays anyway as evidence of how badly the politicians have screwed up the economy.)

It could be worse, you could be Bill Clinton out to support the protest of GoTopLess.org proclaiming the woman’s constitutional right to go topless in public and you get such a bad infection in both eyes that you have to stay indoors and wear eye patches on both eyes.

It could be worse, you could be holding a charisma contest and the top candidates to win the thing are Al Gore and Harry Reid.

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Romance is a wonderful thing.  It could be said that it is the glue the holds that holds relationships together.  The only problem with the subject of romance is that men and women have a totally different definition of what it is.

To women it is something like a candlelit dinner while the couple gazes into each other’s eyes with dreamy, loving talk and thoughts, holding hands, along with an occasional caress.  It’s the kind of ultimate experience she hopes can last a lifetime.

Men tend to be simpler.  To us romance equals sex, pure and simple.  That other stuff is what we have to go through to get “romance”.  To women the romance part ends when the sex starts.

Men, being the idiots we are, don’t really get that.  Okay, we get it a little bit but only enough to go along with it until we can get to the real “romance”.

A romantic marriage proposal to a woman would be for the man to carry out a plan that was months in the making.  It would include things like her being carried in a throne by eunuchs into a room that would be filled with flowers while doves fly overhead.  As the man drops to his knees one of the doves flies down and places into his hand the huge diamond engagement ring that he went deeply in debt to purchase just so he could make this special moment even more perfect for her.  With tears streaming down both of their faces he asks her for her hand in marriage, to which she replies, “Yes, oh , yes.”  (This type of female oriented romance will lead to actual “romance” for him soon after so he deems it worthwhile.)

On the other hand, a romantic marriage proposal by a man would be to put the ring down his pants so she gets it when they are being “romantic”, if you get my meaning.

Here is how a typical conversation might go between a man and a woman on the subject of romance.  Although, let me be very clear that the man in this scenario is not nearly as enlightened as the men in the above examples.

Woman:  We need to talk.

Man: (Rolling his eyes) Oh man, what did I do now?

Woman:  You didn’t DO anything.  That’s the problem.

Man:  (Confused) Huh?…Oh wait a minute, are you PMSing.

(The woman glares at him so intensely he can feel the heat penetrating his skin.)

Okay, that was clearly the wrong thing to say.  But I still have no idea what you are talking about.

Woman:  I’m talking about romance.

Man:  (Feeling more confident now) I don’t see a problem then, we just had sex last night.

Woman:  That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking…

Man:  (Cutting her off)  Hey, if you want to mix it up right now, I’m game.  (Looks at his watch) Although we need to hurry, there’s a football game coming on in five minutes.  And if you’re gonna insist on that foreplay stuff we have to get started

Woman: (Yelling)  I’m talking about romance not sex, you moron!

Man:  Well, you’re just talking crazy now.  I can’t even follow you at all.  Plus, calling me a moron totally takes me out of my romantic mood.  Besides, we’re running out of time anyway.  (Turns toward the TV)  Why don’t you just get me a beer and maybe a sandwich too.

Seconds later he receives his beer bottle in the back of his head.

In my defense, I did already say men were idiots.  And, for the record, I’m a great believer in romance…I’m just not saying which definition.

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Here are some funny observations based on the news from this week.  It’s better to laugh about it than to feel sad about it:

The flight attendant from Jet Blue, who freaked out on the job has become somewhat of a folk hero, of course, no one mentioned that it only among postal workers that he is a hero.  The Post Master General has notified him there is an opening at the Post office any time he wants it.

Mel Gibson was in a one car accident and no one was hurt but I bet he gave an earful to the person responsible.  Either that or he blamed a Jewish person or an ex-girlfriend.

Levi Johnston may run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Since he was no longer running from Sarah Palin and her rifle he felt like he needed to run for something.

I recently saw a headline that said beer could lead to psoriasis in women.  So I guess the side effects are getting a lot more mild because excessive beer use to lead to pregnancy in women.

Obama wants to build a mosque at ground zero and then he wants to issue an apology to Osama Bin Laden for our buildings getting in the way of the planes that were being stolen from America on 9/11.

The movie Eat Pray Love opened last weekend.  It’s a about a woman’s journey of discovery and the discovery of how long a man can sleep in the theater with his eyes open.

Congressman Charles Rangel, who is facing ethics charges in Congress, had his 80^th birthday party last week.  When they brought his cake to him it had a file inside of it.

Denny’s has something new, the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce.  They are replacing KFC as the official sponsor of the show The Biggest Loser.

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Whenever I deal with doctors I always have a hard time remembering if it is a Hippocratic oath or a hypocritical oath that they take when they become doctors.

For the record I don’t go to doctors myself as a general rule but I have had dealings with doctors via others recently.  But, I just love it when the doctor himself has to turn sideways to get his fat ass in the door and then he tells his patient that he or she needs to lose weight.  It’s like Dick Cheney telling someone they need to be nicer to people.  Doctors, apparently, have almost as much of a reputation for being heavy drinkers as airline pilots do.  I guess that’s why they insist on having you sign release forms all the time. (And one more quick joke I need to get out of my system) How do gynecologists live with themselves?  All day long they are looking at women between the legs and then they have to go home and look their wives in the eye. (Okay I feel better now… wait I have to resist talking about proctologists…okay I got past it… I wonder if the guy who came up with the UPS slogan, “What can Brown do for you?” was a proctologist.  All right, I was not fully able to get past that urge.)

Anyway, when you go into doctor’s offices they always have the air conditioning blasting away, the magazines are usually old and they either have a medical video playing or a soap opera on TV.  Then there are people coughing and hacking up phlegm and the others look like they should have a chalk line drawn around them and they should be waiting for the undertaker rather than the doctor.  Pretty much if you weren’t sick when you walked in you’ll be well on the way to it before you leave.

Then when the receptionist tells you, “the doctor will see you now,” you know she’s lying through her teeth because you’ll just go into another room and wait in there.  Sometimes you have to undress when you get there too, which could be fun depending on what’s going through your head at the time.  Anyway, if that gets too boring you can always go outside each waiting room and switch the patient’s files.  It can help pass the time and it will really piss off the doctor too.

I recall a conversation I had with a doctor years ago, after making it through all that stuff and finally being in his presence.  It went pretty much like this:

Doc:  Okay turn your head and cough.

Me:  Wait a minute, I came here to have a wart removed.

Doc:  Oh right, some idiot must have switched the charts on me again.

Me:  (withholding laughter.)

Doc:  Okay then, turn around and bend over.

Me:  No, no, the wart is on my finger!

(I think, in retrospect, he was having his own issues.)

Doc:  Oh yeah, then why did you get undressed?

Me:  (Embarrassed) I don’t know it just seemed like the thing to do in a doctor’s office.

Doc: (looking at me strangely)  Anyway, let me see your finger…I’ll prescribe some Prozac for you.

(Doctors are the ultimate drug pushers)

Me:  I’m not depressed about it.  I just want it removed.

Doc:  Oh yeah, that’s right, the Prozac was for me.  (Deep sigh) I wish I had been a proctologist.

I told you he had issues.

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Here are some funny observations that are based on the news from this week, enjoy:

Justin Beiber is going to be writing his memoirs; there are rumored scandals of breast feeding as a baby and illicit nap time behavior when he was in kindergarten.

Tiger Woods had the worst 72 hole score of career over the weekend, apparently he is having a serious problem with his putter.

Evidently, it was the holes he scored after golfing that kept his game sharp.

Disney raised prices again at their theme parks. So it is not only the happiest place on earth but they are also making the shareholders of their stock the happiest people on earth.

Kentucky basketball coach, Rick Pitino, testified in a court case that he had sex with a woman in a restaurant but it only lasted 15 seconds.  He also complained of having a dribbling problem afterward.

After testifying he apologized to his wife but he did tell her that he was thinking of her the whole time.  Then he got in trouble with her all over again for only thinking of her for 15 seconds.

The US Post Office reported a loss of $3.5 billion last quarter, which is actually good for a government organization.  If they can get a little guidance from Congress they could probably double or triple their losses.

Lady Gaga told Vanity Fair that she is an occasional cocaine user.  The drug companies were very excited about this because now they can say, “See, you don’t get those kind of side effects from our drugs.”

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Let’s be clear from the start, iPhones suck.  The irony of the whole thing is that they are many things to many people and they have certainly been called many names, I’ve had a few choice words for them for sure, but they most certainly cannot be called a phone.

To say that the iPhone sometimes drops calls would be like saying Osama bin Laden has a somewhat unfair attitude towards Americans, or that President Obama occasionally likes to spend other people’s money, or the John Edwards has sometimes flirted with other women.

I don’t even own an iPhone myself I’ve just tried to talk to a friend who has one.  But based on that experience I have a pretty good idea how it got its name.  The inventor of the phone at the parent company called his boss (while using his new invention) and said, ”I just came up with a great invention, I call it ‘I am a phone.’”  What the boss heard before the call was dropped altogether was, “(garble, garble)…great invention, I call it “I (garble) phone.”

The boss, being a typical executive from a huge multi-national corporation, gave the call its due attention after it was dropped and looked thoughtfully into space and said to himself, “Hmmm, he said it was great even though iphone is a stupid name…what the hell.  We need something new and I have a golf game to get to so…I know, I’ll capitalize the ‘p’ in phone so I can say I had something to do with it.”

And the iPhone was born.

If the iPhone could talk I’m sure it would sound very much like a foreigner just learning the English language (which is also how anyone feels when they are talking on an IPhone since you can only hear every other word.)  It would say, “Hello, I Phone.”  To that I would tilt my head and raise my eyebrows and say, “Seriously?”

Then it would frown and say, “Well at least I good texting apparatus and I video unit and I Internet source and I good storage unit and  I about 100 other things that nobody really understand but it nice to throw that number out.”

And I’d respond, “Yeah, I’ll give you those things, but you’re a piece of crap phone.”

And it would say, “Yeah, okay.”  Then it would walk away with its head hung a little bit but it would proudly sell itself to the next sucker with a couple hundred dollars and life would go on.

The CEO of the company that makes iPhones, who has the same first name as I do and whose last name is like the second word in the function that I’m guessing there is left to promote that the iPhone 5 will do, (Hint: the first word in the function is what the wind does …now go back and read that sentence again and you’ll get it) has said in response to complaints about dropped calls, “We’re not perfect.”  Well now I feel better about the whole thing because if they were perfect I guess they would have already included that function… Oh lighten up, I’m just kidding!

On that note I’ll sit back and wait for all the nasty calls I’ll probably be getting from fans of the iPhone.  But I’m not too worried because I probably won’t be able to understand the call and it will drop altogether very soon anyway.

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Here are  some funny observations made about the news over the last week:

Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was held this weekend.  Bill, being the consummate father, was surprisingly involved in the planning of the wedding.  In fact, he held individual meetings with the maid of honor and each bride’s maid to let them know exactly what was expected of them.

For the fashion conscious at the wedding, Hillary was seen hiking up her dress when she walked up some stairs and, not surprisingly, she was wearing a pants suit under the dress.

Over the weekend Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and coincidentally the stock on several alcoholic beverage companies soared on Monday.

Representative Charles Rangle was trying to cut a deal on his ethics charges so that his case wouldn’t go to a House Ethics trial.  He was even willing to cut the members of the committee in on his next deal if they let him do a plea.  Plus, he was even willing to go as far as looking up the definition of ethics in the dictionary, although he didn’t really think it was in there.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward will be transferred to a project in Russia.  Although, others had a different idea on where he should be sent straight to.

Andy Griffith is going to be touting Obamacare on a TV ad.  If he were still back in Mayberry Aunt Bee would be saying, “Oh Andy!”  And Barney would be loading his gun with his one bullet in order to shoot him.

Al Gore has serious public relations problems after having been accused of groping several women.  A few years ago he won a Nobel Peace Prize for raising awareness about global warming and for his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”  Ironically, now the inconvenient truth in his life may get him the Nobel Piece Prize.

President Obama went on The View last week.  Many people thought he was going to promote his agenda but he just wanted to point out to everyone how white trash the Republicans are since Levi Johnston may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant.

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