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Here are some more Jay Leno jokes about Barack Obama:

And at a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a Mini Cooper, if I’m not mistaken.

Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain’s economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama’s plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. So we’re still waiting.

Barack Obama said today, again, he wants to raise taxes on the rich. That’s provided if, by November, anyone is still rich.

I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered Domino’s, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair, that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze.

And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills.

Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people.

Well, I guess it’s getting serious, because Barack Obama’s going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They’re going to get together and talk. You know, they haven’t been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it’s tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a ‘Hooters’ that serves arugula.

According to the New York Times, Barack Obama’s campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they’re pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he’s willing to take change. He will now accept change.

Boy George has released a new song that is inspired by Barack Obama. It’s called ‘Yes We Can,’ by Boy George. If that doesn’t put Obama over the top with the Joe Six-pack crowd, nothing will, huh?”

What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl.
Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech, with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as ‘Barack, son of Zeus,’ that seemed over the top.
And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats have fumbled in the past few years.

In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her historic speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family’s living room in Missouri. He was in Missouri. I mean, I know it’s tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on.

You know, you could see Obama was trying a little too hard to connect with young voters with the text message. I still have it on my phone. [on-screen: cell phone face and text: OMG! Me and Biden are BFFs TTFN ;^)].
You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough?Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don’t know what’s less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.

Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he’d name David Hasselhoff as vice president.

Barack Obama’s two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he’s going to get them a dog. That’s the thing, they’re all excited, he’s going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news: Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that’s terrific.

The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.

Barack Obama is back from his big European tour. Did you see him in Europe? People were cheering him, holding up signs, blowing him kisses. And that was just the American media covering the story.

I’m sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I’ll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?

Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn’t like him. You know, it’s kind of like Bill with Hillary.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week (mostly about Obama):

President Obama said he was very upset about the IRS scandal of targeting conservative groups for audits.  He said, “While under my watch they will never be caught again.”

A Tampa taco restaurant has pulled lion meat tacos from the menu because of protests from animal rights groups.  They insisted it’s not a big deal since they used horse meat for the tacos anyway.

Joe Biden has said he spends 4-5 hours a day with the President.  Obama responded to the press saying, “And you guys wonder why I’m having problems.”

With all the scandals Obama’s being compared to Nixon.  Accordingly, he has altered his catch phrase of Hope and Change to “I hope they don’t change and start calling me a crook.”

There are actually three scandals going on with the Obama administration.  Luckily, due to the sequester they can’t afford any more.

The good news out of Washington is that Obama is finally creating jobs.  With all the scandals the government has to hire more investigators.

Obama does have a justifiable reason for all the scandals – “It’s Bush’s fault.”

When being questioned about the IRS scandal and the AP wiretapping, Obama’s response was, “So, how about that Benghazi scandal while Hillary was Secretary of State?”

According to a new poll, 40% of Americans think the Obama administration lied about Benghazi.  The other 60 % said, “I’m sorry, what is a Benghazi?”

Benghazi, the IRS scandal and the AP wiretapping.  Luckily we’ll have Obamacare to take our minds off of all the bad stuff.

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Here are some more Jay Leno jokes about President Obama:

President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, ‘You still want the job?’

This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn’t that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it’s going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what’s it gonna be? ‘Don’t change, everything’s fine, don’t change anything, keep it exactly the same!’

In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That’s what he said. It’s going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley.

Actually, Barack Obama’s wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack’s first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that’s it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm.

Don’t you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama’s first 24 hours? They said, ‘Day One: American Held Hostage!’

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he’ll only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year.

Hey, I watched ‘American Idol’ last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than ‘Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.’

The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?

Here’s the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC’s already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes.

This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven’t had that in years!

Now, if you didn’t see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, ‘If you vote now, we’ll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.’

And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby.

Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn’t for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn’t enough. You gotta get that last one.

Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He’s now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year.

Barack Obama said today the government’s $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.

And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain’s challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And Barack Obama’s challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping. So it’s going to be very tricky.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves ‘Blacks Against Obama.’ Actually, a pretty small group. It’s just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

Here are several jokes by Jay Leno about Barack Obama:

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it’s about time. Don’t you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ openly.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn’t be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!

And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.

Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don’t know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.

President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That’s what he said. It’s going to get worse. See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘Change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed, good night, thank you! It’s going to get worse!’

Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn’t it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the ’80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He’s a strongman from Austria. He’s an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they’re ebony and ivory.

Well you know what’s really strange? If [Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano] gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn’t president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.’

Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? … Here’s Barack: cover of Time, Men’s Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, ‘Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?’

The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He’s the first wired president. … He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they’re easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, ‘OMG! WTF?’ I mean, he couldn’t believe it.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. ‘Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.’

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call ‘Obama babies.’ Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That’s true. See, that’s why there’s never been any Detroit Lions babies.

According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s or either of the President Bush’s when they entered office. It’s much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That’s on CNN. On Fox, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don’t want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama’s new slogan? ‘Maybe We Can.’
President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?

It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon:

Folks, I’ve got to be honest with you. I had a really awkward day today. I had to call David Letterman and tell him he didn’t get “The Tonight Show” again. –Jay Leno

I want to congratulate our good friend Jimmy Fallon. He’s going to do a great job. I just have one request for Jimmy: We’ve all fought, kicked, and scratched to get this network up to fifth place — now we have to keep it there. Jimmy, don’t let it slip into 6th. We are counting on you. –Jay Leno

Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber. –Jay Leno

Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for. –Jay Leno

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. I really do. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. –Conan O’Brien

A lot of celebrities live in Atlanta. Elton John has a house here. In fact, you know you spotted Elton John when you think you have spotted Lady Gaga’s grandmother. –Conan O’Brien

How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, “Well, David, I see you didn’t get ‘The Tonight Show’ again.” –David Letterman

Didn’t we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It’s crazy. He’s being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong? –David Letterman

But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno’s departure. No mention of his official date of return, however. –David Letterman

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called “Irony.gov.” –David Letterman

t was announced officially today that starting in February of next year after the Olympics, I will take over as new host of “The Tonight Show” on NBC. Excuse me. OK, I’m told it’s a different Jimmy that’s going to be hosting. –Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno passes the torch to Jimmy Fallon. OK. Does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? — because I could be in a lot of trouble. –Jimmy Kimmel

Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Welcome to the show, everybody. This is “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” — for now. –Jimmy Fallon

You’ve probably heard the news. I’m going to be taking over for “The Tonight Show” next February. But don’t worry. Until February our focus is right here on . . . whatever this show is called. –Jimmy Fallon

The federal government says it will do one more study on the risk of cellphone radiation. Or as the guy with the third ear growing out of his neck said, “That’s cool. Take your time.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new report found that, despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, still paying off is what you’ll be doing with your college loans for the rest of your life. –Jimmy Fallon

The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.” –Jay Leno

Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress. –Jay Leno

Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America’s Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on. –Jay Leno

Apparently back in the ’80s, the lead singer of Queen, Freddie Mercury, once took a disguised Princess Diana to a gay bar. She was wearing a disguise to look like a guy so she wouldn’t get noticed. How ironic is this? When they got to the gay bar, she met a bunch of guys dressed up to look like Princess Diana. –Jay Leno

There are over 65 streets named Peachtree in Atlanta. Yesterday I punched Peachtree into my GPS. It committed suicide. –Conan O’Brien

I read that not one team from Georgia made it into the NCAA Final Four. Yeah, I read it on a list of things not to bring up while doing a week of shows in Georgia. –Conan O’Brien

Did you see Lindsay Lohan’s April Fools’ Day joke? Last night she tweeted that she’s pregnant. This morning she tweeted “April Fools.” Where’s everybody’s sense of humor? If Barbara Walters wrote it, it’s funny. But with her, it’s a reason to call Child Protective Services. –Jimmy Kimmel

Lindsay tweeted at 1:30 a.m. on April 2. She can’t even show up for her pranks on time. –Jimmy Kimmel

The women’s school district in New Hampshire has officially banned dodge ball because parents complained their kids were being targeted during games which, of course, is the point of dodge ball. –Jimmy Kimmel

The district superintendent says playing dodge ball runs, quote, “counter to what we’re trying to accomplish with our anti-bullying plan. If you really want to ban bullying in school, there’s only one way to do it. You need to ban children from school. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she’s pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fools’ Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case. –Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fools’ joke. Weirdly, no one was more relieved than that fake baby. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop. –Jimmy Fallon

Before we get started, let me say that NBC and I have reached a peaceful, amicable agreement that will be beneficial to both sides. April Fools! It will never happen. –Jay Leno

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars. –Jay Leno

Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting. –Jay Leno

According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual. –Jay Leno

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. And it’s a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, “Let’s win it.” Mets fans were like, “Let’s have fun out there, you guys.” –Jimmy Fallon

It was so cold that one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher. –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, “Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last week Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Officials told him, “You have to leave your little friend behind. And the monkey said, “Sorry, Justin, I guess you’ve got to stay.” –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Scientist now say they have trained rats to communicate to other rats telepathically.  This was necessary because no rats were able to afford cell phone contracts.

Judge Judy is being sued by someone she allegedly paid $50,000 for fine China worth $500,000.  Now she’s really going to be grumpy in court.

A Michigan 6^th grader brought $20K in cash to school in her backpack and was handing it out to other students.  It turns out she was planning to run for class president and got the idea from Obama.

A record number of Americans are on food stamps.  Many of these same people will be using their food stamps to celebrate the overturning of the ban on large sugary drinks in New York City by buying large sugary drinks.

A Cardinal from Argentina was chosen as the new Pope.  He’s a bald guy and he was really hoping to be picked as the Pope because, with the Pope hat and all, he’ll save a lot of money on toupees.

The new Pope gets to choose his own name.  His top three name choices were Hy, Irving and Ira but the other Cardinals were able to talk him out of it and they compromised by settling on Francis.

The Catholic Church says the Pope is infallible.  Upon learning of that Obama said, “I guess that makes me Pope of the United States.”

The TSA announced that it will soon be allowing pocket knives on planes.  They figure not looking for pocket knives will give them more time to grope flyers.

A new study has found that male brains are larger than female brains, but that was only after adding the size of their penis brains to the size of the brain in their heads (and some guys still came up short.)

In Greece the economy is in shambles and their solution is to tax savings that are already in the bank, or as Obama calls it, “A great idea!”

The Catholic Church hasn’t had much success in getting young people to give up things for Lent.  So now they are cutting back and just trying to get them to give up spring break.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Jimmy Fallon:

We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A. –Jay Leno

People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews. –Jay Leno

But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on “The View.” –Jay Leno

We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth. –Jay Leno

We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do. –Conan O’Brien

The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don’t go with a girl’s name. –Conan O’Brien

The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you’re saying to yourself, “Boy, that name sounds familiar,” you’re right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees. –David Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg tried to ban giant 16-ounce sugary sodas and a judge overturned the ruling. And I said, “Thank God I don’t have to drive to Canada to get my Mountain Dew anymore.” –David Letterman

The Pope pickin’ is over. Over 100,000 people were packed into St. Peter’s Square, waiting for news of the Pope. It was really awe-inspiring. Between that and Monday night’s “Bachelor” finale, my eyes haven’t been dry all week. -Craig Ferguson

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. “Francis” was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of “Pope Boo Boo.” -Craig Ferguson

What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he’s 76 years old. He’s a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay. -Craig Ferguson

Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has been named the new Pope. After the new Pope was chosen, he was brought to a place in the Vatican called “The Room of Tears.” Or as I call that, “the gym.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, a truck in North Carolina overturned and spilled frozen pizzas all over the highway. First responders said, “It’s not a disaster — it’s DiGiorno.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Newark Airport is one of the best airports in the country to find love. Unless you love your luggage. –Jimmy Fallon

The latest rumor, according to the Italian press, is that Pope Benedict did not retire. They say he was forced out by NBC. –Jay Leno

A judge overturned Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks. The judge made his decision after testimony from a prominent physician. I believe it was a Dr. Pepper, if I’m not mistaken. –Jay Leno

McDonald’s announced they are dropping its fruit and walnut salad from the menu. The two people who go to McDonald’s for fruit and walnuts are really upset about this. –Jay Leno

According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. You don’t want amateurs to cut people’s heads off because that could be barbaric. –Jay Leno

Everyone’s waiting to find out who the new Pope will be. Did you know the Pope gets to choose his own name? Experts say the number one choice for the new Pope’s name is John and the number two choice is Leo. A distant third: Jayden. –Conan O’Brien

The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile. –Conan O’Brien

The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any “Walking Dead” spoilers. –Conan O’Brien

A company is developing drones that can be used to pick up and develop items for customers. So if you see a drone, someone in the neighborhood either joined al-Qaida or Netflix. –Conan O’Brien

With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there’s a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio? –David Letterman

The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they’re drawn out. It’s the same thing they do for the Vatican’s Secret Santa. –David Letterman

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie “Argo.” They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie “Shrek.” -Craig Ferguson

As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote. -Craig Ferguson

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas. -Craig Ferguson

Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work. –Jimmy Fallon

In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong. –Jimmy Fallon

There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, “Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?” –Jimmy Fallon

A 106-year-old woman in Ohio just received her high school diploma after 88 years. She may even go to college, but only if she gets that volleyball scholarship. –Jimmy Fallon

In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman. –Jay Leno

Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. It’s nice of him to step in and fill that. –Jay Leno

A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead. –Jay Leno

In England, gas is $10 a gallon. In fact, gas is so high in England that people have stopped eating horses and started riding them again. –Jay Leno

The Obamas’ dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said “Wait, why am I still taking the train?” –Conan O’Brien

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he’s asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino. –Conan O’Brien

Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida. –Conan O’Brien

The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit. –Conan O’Brien

Tomorrow the College of Cardinals will gather at the Vatican, where they will vote four times a day until they select a new Pope. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll move onto the tiebreaker: “Rock, Bible, Scissors.” . –Jimmy Fallon

“Oz the Great and Powerful” made $80 million at the box office in its opening weekend. It tells the story of a con artist dealing with a bunch of witches. Or as he’s called these days, “The Bachelor.” . –Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that China is opening its own Disneyland, which Disney says will be both “authentically Disney and distinctly Chinese.” Which explains why the parents of Huey, Duey, and Louie had to pick just one. . –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Now that marijuana is legal in Washington State, they are looking for a marijuana consultant.  Unfortunately, of all the people qualified for the job none of them has the ambition to apply.

According to a traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington D.C. than in any other city in the country.  So, now members of Congress are saying, “So, that’s why we never get anything done here!”

The skeletal remains of King Richard III, from over 500 years ago, were found under a parking lot in Great Britain, leading Scotland Yard to believe it was a mob hit.

A new study by the Center for Policy and Research says that people working less slows global warming.  Who would have thought that there was a good side to Obama’s economic policies?

American Airlines and US Airways are expected to announce a merger this week.  So if you are flying on either airline expect to be charged a merger fee.

President Obama’s head speech writer is stepping down to pursue a career as a Hollywood screenwriter.  Fortunately, writing for Obama made him an expert in creating fictional characters.

In searching for Joe Biden’s speech writer no one would claim to have the job because no one wanted to admit to writing the stuff that he says.

Monopoly is getting a makeover.  Not only is a cat replacing the iron as one of the Monopoly pieces, there are other changes too to reflect the current times: when you pass go you will still collect $200 but now you have to pay $180 of it in various taxes; when you buy a house it’s already in foreclosure; and there is a Community Chest card that says, “Congress just passed a new law. Drop your pants and bend over.”

A 105 year-old woman is the oldest person on Facebook.  She got onto Facebook out of desperation because all of her real friends were dead.

Tonight Obama will give his State of the Union speech. He will call for new investments in infrastructure, education and research and then blame Bush for not spending more on those things in the past.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

In Obama’s inauguration speech he said, “America’s possibilities are endless.”   His definition of possibilities is taxes.

According to Men’s Health Magazine, carrying your cell phone in your pants pocket may reduce your number of erections.  That’s a ironic because some men carry their cell phones in their pants pocket so it looks like they have an erection.

Beyonce’ is being accused of lip-syncing the Star Spangled Banner at the inauguration.  I don’t see why that would be any worse than for Obama to be talking out of his ass at the inauguration.

When Hillary Clinton was questioned about Benghazi she said, “What difference does it make?”  I wonder if that’s what she said when she learned about Monica Lewinsky?

The correct answer when Hillary asked, “What difference does it make?” should have been Joe Biden’s quote when he was caught on the microphone whispering into Obama’s ear, “This is a big f______g deal.”

It is estimated that Americans will eat 1.23 billion chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday.  In a related story, the I.Q. of American students will fall further behind that of the Chinese as they try to figure out where the wings are on a buffalo.

According to a survey 73% of women would rather watch the Super Bowl than have sex.  That works out well because the only time the men would be available is at halftime and that is the time that women most want to watch.

The fattest restaurant entree’ in America is the Cheescake Factory’s Bistro Shrimp at over 3,000 calories, making the Cheesecake factory the “in “place for people who are already overweight and thinking of committing suicide.

In an interview with Manti T’eo, of fake girlfriend dying fame, he revealed that his favorite line from a song is the line from John Lennon’s song where he sings “Imagine all the people….”  Manti never paid attention to the rest of the song.

Bruce Willis’ fifth Die Hard movie opens next week.   In this installment his John McClane character shoots out the tires of old people on the freeway who forget to turn off their turn signals because it gives guys like McClane a bad name.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert:

Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn’t at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror. –Jay Leno

In his inaugural address, President Obama praised the patriots of 1776, and said they were much better than the Patriots of last Sunday. –Jay Leno

There’s been a lot of criticism over the NFL for not hiring enough minority coaches. And, of course, the NFL is trying to spin it. They said, “What are you talking about? We got two brothers coaching the Super Bowl.” –Jay Leno

According to a new study out of the University of Wisconsin, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. To which Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o said, “Now you tell me!” –Jay Leno

Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama’s inauguration. That’s right. Steven said, “I know how she feels. I did the same thing at Harry Truman’s inauguration.” –Conan O’Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed on to a brand-new “Terminator” film. Now, due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, “I’ll be back, right after ‘Wheel of Fortune.’” –Conan O’Brien

In Japan a senior official is in trouble for saying in order to save money, elderly people should, quote, “Hurry up and die.” Of course, if he loses his job, he has a bright future writing Mother’s Day cards. –Conan O’Brien

Make sure to watch this show tomorrow night, because for the first time in 10 years, Matt Damon will be my guest. You may know Matt as the least-talented member of the cast of “Ocean’s 11.” –Jimmy Kimmel

We had a hard time squeezing him into the show since 1993, but tomorrow night it happens. The Garfunkel to Ben Affleck’s Simon, Matt Damon will be here. –Jimmy Kimmel

Justin Bieber just surpassed Lady Gaga as the most followed person on Twitter. Justin now has 33,410,000 — 28,000 more than Lady Gaga. If you want to confuse your grandfather, wake him up right now and scream, “Bieber beat Gaga on Twitter!” He’ll think you’re possessed. –Jimmy Kimmel

Justin Bieber reminds me a lot of myself at that age except instead of 33 million followers, it was two followers. Instead of Twitter followers, it was employees of a comic book store following me to make sure I didn’t steal anything. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: ‘less than half of you are parasites.’” –Stephen Colbert

“At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans.” –Conan O’Brien

“Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they’re organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan.” –Conan O’Brien

“On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama’s first inauguration than there was at this one. That’s because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels.” –Jay Leno

“Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.” –Jay Leno

“The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people’s money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money.” –Jay Leno

“The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office.” –Jay Leno

“More than a million people gathered in our nation’s capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady’s new haircut.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren’t easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Today’s inauguration marked the first time ever a president used the word gay in an inauguration speech. It was the part of the speech where Obama pointed at the Washington moment and said, ”Whoever designed that thing must have been pretty gay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“During the inauguration, Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos gave a shout-out to who he thought was Morgan Freeman, but was actually Celtics great Bill Russell. Stephanopoulos then went on to say he was so excited to be at Denzel Washington’s inauguration.” –Conan O’Brien

“During the inauguration, a teenage boy was spotted flirting with Malia Obama. At this moment, the boy is being flown to a remote location in Afghanistan.” –Conan O’Brien

“Vice President Joe Biden was also sworn in for his second term today. Biden swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and to keep doing whatever it is I do.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In his inaugural address, President Obama said America’s possibilities are limitless. Unfortunately at that moment Lance Armstrong shouted out, ‘That’s what I used to think.” –Conan O’Brien

“There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he’s coming after your glock.” –Stephen Colbert

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