darnfunnyonline.com

It’s nearly Christmas Eve.  That can be one of the most relaxing days of the year.  You’ve either finished your shopping or said, “Oh, the hell with it,” you get to push aside your worry if you are going to be fired from your job because of your Christmas party antics and you have until after Christmas day to think about how you are going to pay for all the presents you bought.

So, anyway, I talked to my neighbor the other day and he told me about his Christmas Eve last year which was not a very relaxing event at all.  It was pretty stressful when you get right down to it.

The night started off pretty good.  They got the kids to bed and he said it was almost like there were sugar plums dancing in their heads.  It was real quiet and he and his wife had just settled down and according to him he was hoping for a little action.  That’s when the trouble started.  He heard this damn mouse start to screech and since his wife hated mice he had to go hunt it down.  While he was looking for the mouse he heard this clatter arising out in the yard.  So in a flash he tore open the shutters and threw up the sash (to be clear the sash was not something he had eaten, it was the window.)

As soon as he was able to get it open far enough, because it was stuck from a sloppy paint job last summer, he yelled out, “Hey, what the hell’s going on out there?  Shut up or I’m calling the cops.  I don’t care if it is Christmas Eve.”

Well, this didn’t seem to matter to the guy out on the lawn.  He was yelling to somebody, “On Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen, and Donner, and Cupid, hurry up there’s going to be a blizzard.” (or something like that.)  This was news to my neighbor because he heard the weather was supposed to be clear.  Anyway, from the names, he didn’t know if this was some gay dance troupe, or what, and then he heard them up on his roof and he really started to freak out.  But he did figure if it was just a bunch of gay dancers he could handle it, even if there were a lot of them, but still!

Then it got worse.  He heard somebody sliding down the chimney.  His first thought was he had packed away his shotgun because he didn’t have a permit to have a gun since he just didn’t think that was right to have to get one.  But, anyway, he ran to the top of the steps.  Then he remembered that while he did have a chimney it just led to his furnace, he had no fireplace.  Miraculously, this guy got into his living room, sure, he was covered with tarnish and soot, but what would you expect since he just came out of the furnace.

This guy was a fat little elf with white hair and a beard and he was dressed in an outfit that pretty much confirmed the gay theory.  But the good part was he had a bag full of toys with him and he was putting them under the tree and into his kid’s stockings.  This guy wasn’t robbing him he was leaving gifts!  He didn’t speak a word but went straight to his work, filled all the stocking and turned like a jerk.  (I’m not sure how he turned that my neighbor thought he was a jerk, but that’s what he said.)

Then somehow he flew up the chimney and to the gay dancers he whistled and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.  (I have no idea what that means but I’m guessing it’s a homosexual thing since he was whistling at the gay dancers.  Hey, I’m not judging, I’m just telling the story.)

They all flew away somehow but he shouted as he left, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

Admittedly, sometimes my neighbor can be full of you know what, but it did make for a good story worth repeating.  Merry Christmas everybody!

darnfunnyonline.com

This is something I found on the Internet.  I don’t know the author but it is very funny (and unfortunately has a lot of truth.)

“Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves, Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think “Let them eat cake,” some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted “Anything goes!”

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They’ve got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more –
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status — (they’ve sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they’re in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they’d be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We’ve had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I’m not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won’t forget!
When election times comes — and certain it will –
you’re voting him out for passing that bill.

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

“Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!

darnfunnyonline.com