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This was something somebody had sent to me and it’s pretty funny, so here it is:

Future Novelists… These are actual analogies and metaphors
found in high school essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature
Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog
makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.  But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like
a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a really duck that was actually lame.  Maybe
from stepping on a landmine or something.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

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This was sent to me by someone and it was too funny to not put on the site:

Women’s  Love Poem

Before I lay me down  to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart  and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he  speaks,

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully  employed,

When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair  and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a  man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my  behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my  very best friend.

Men’s Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute  nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves  to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a  sh#%.

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Most of the late night shows were in reruns this week so except for the first few jokes from David Letterman from this week the rest are some funny jokes I picked out from the last few months:

“President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up.” –David Letterman

“They’re vacationing at the beach. He’s down there with Snooki, Jwoww, the The Situation.” –David Letterman

“President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide.” –David Letterman

”Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, ‘Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.”’—Jimmy Fallon

”Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That’s not the general’s job. That is my job.” —Jay Leno

”On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” —Jay Leno

”In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.” —Conan O’Brien

”There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.” —Craig Ferguson

”It’s a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she’ll probably quit after a year.” —Craig Ferguson

”I understand it’s not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he’s ever come to wearing protection of any kind.” —Jay Leno, on Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s wedding

”It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.” —Jon Stewart

”During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and now, ‘My daughters are both available.”’ —Jimmy Fallon

”BP’s company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.” —Jimmy Kimmel

”What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they’re talking about immigration reform, it looks like they’ve ended ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ and they’re legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if you’re a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year of your life.” —Jay Leno

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Here are some funny observations based on the news from this week.  It’s better to laugh about it than to feel sad about it:

The flight attendant from Jet Blue, who freaked out on the job has become somewhat of a folk hero, of course, no one mentioned that it only among postal workers that he is a hero.  The Post Master General has notified him there is an opening at the Post office any time he wants it.

Mel Gibson was in a one car accident and no one was hurt but I bet he gave an earful to the person responsible.  Either that or he blamed a Jewish person or an ex-girlfriend.

Levi Johnston may run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Since he was no longer running from Sarah Palin and her rifle he felt like he needed to run for something.

I recently saw a headline that said beer could lead to psoriasis in women.  So I guess the side effects are getting a lot more mild because excessive beer use to lead to pregnancy in women.

Obama wants to build a mosque at ground zero and then he wants to issue an apology to Osama Bin Laden for our buildings getting in the way of the planes that were being stolen from America on 9/11.

The movie Eat Pray Love opened last weekend.  It’s a about a woman’s journey of discovery and the discovery of how long a man can sleep in the theater with his eyes open.

Congressman Charles Rangel, who is facing ethics charges in Congress, had his 80^th birthday party last week.  When they brought his cake to him it had a file inside of it.

Denny’s has something new, the Fried Cheese Melt, a sandwich made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread, served with french fries and a side of marinara sauce.  They are replacing KFC as the official sponsor of the show The Biggest Loser.

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians, including Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson:

“Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he’s so good at quitting, they’re thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“It could be the first time in history that someone has been arrested for going down an inflatable slide.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can’t honeymoon in Arizona.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, ‘Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“If anyone is looking for a job, there’s an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating.” –Jay Leno

“Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl’s lemonade stand because she didn’t have a license. Officials haven’t issued a statement yet. They’re busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles.” –Craig Ferguson

“A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.” –Jay Leno

“This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly.” –Jay Leno

“The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That’s an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he’ll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.” –Jay Leno

“President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family.” –Jay Leno

“The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government’s most successful enterprise.” –Jay Leno

“Plans are being finalized for Mexico’s bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that’s just in Los Angeles.” –Jay Leno

“Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn’t he?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Mel Gibson’s father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Here are some more Obama jokes that I gathered from various places.  No politician  deserves it more,  although there are many others who do deserve it, from both parties.

Barack Obama told Oprah Winfrey that he deserves to get a “good, solid B-plus” for his first year as President. He also claimed that Bo, the White House dog, ate the economy.

America is the china shop; Obama is the bull.

The aliens forgot to remove Obama’s anal probe.

If Barack Obama had been the Commander in Chief of the Sioux and the Cheyenne, George Armstrong Custer would have died of old age.

Q. Why was Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?

A. It said “concentrate”.

Q. What would you get if you crossed Albert Einstein with Barack Obama?

A. E = MC Hammer

Q. Why did President Obama feel it was necessary for him to apologize to the world and to degrade the United States?

A.  Jimmy Carter had laryngitis.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?

A. Because it would be racist.

Like any corrupt Chicago politician, Obama would frequently go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn’t make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested that they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, “This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!”

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break’? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a ‘Nazi.’ He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a ‘doughnut eating Gestapo.’ He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, ‘I ♥ Obama.’ I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important to my health.

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Jack Handey is best known for his Deep Thoughts on Saturday Night Live and here are some of his better jokes or “thoughts”.  I had posted some others on Monday but I had some more I wanted to  post so here they are:

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.

A funny thing to do is, if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who’s going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true, what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.

When I die, I would like to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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Here are  some funny observations made about the news over the last week:

Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was held this weekend.  Bill, being the consummate father, was surprisingly involved in the planning of the wedding.  In fact, he held individual meetings with the maid of honor and each bride’s maid to let them know exactly what was expected of them.

For the fashion conscious at the wedding, Hillary was seen hiking up her dress when she walked up some stairs and, not surprisingly, she was wearing a pants suit under the dress.

Over the weekend Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and coincidentally the stock on several alcoholic beverage companies soared on Monday.

Representative Charles Rangle was trying to cut a deal on his ethics charges so that his case wouldn’t go to a House Ethics trial.  He was even willing to cut the members of the committee in on his next deal if they let him do a plea.  Plus, he was even willing to go as far as looking up the definition of ethics in the dictionary, although he didn’t really think it was in there.

BP CEO, Tony Hayward will be transferred to a project in Russia.  Although, others had a different idea on where he should be sent straight to.

Andy Griffith is going to be touting Obamacare on a TV ad.  If he were still back in Mayberry Aunt Bee would be saying, “Oh Andy!”  And Barney would be loading his gun with his one bullet in order to shoot him.

Al Gore has serious public relations problems after having been accused of groping several women.  A few years ago he won a Nobel Peace Prize for raising awareness about global warming and for his documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”  Ironically, now the inconvenient truth in his life may get him the Nobel Piece Prize.

President Obama went on The View last week.  Many people thought he was going to promote his agenda but he just wanted to point out to everyone how white trash the Republicans are since Levi Johnston may have gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant.

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Jack Handey is best known for his Deep Thoughts on Saturday Night Live and here are some of his better jokes or “thoughts”:

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas because that’s what He’s getting.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

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Every now and again it’s fun to take an optimistic view of things and look to see how things can always be worse than you think they are.  Here are some examples:

It could be worse, you be Tony Hayward, the deposed CEO of BP, and you are finally getting your life back as you had publicly wished for and then you discover that your life actually kind of sucks because you were such an ass in the first place.

It could be worse, you could be a new girl friend of Mel Gibson and you never told him that you are Jewish.

It could be worse, you could be ex-governor Blagojevich and your attorney at your trial suggested you don’t testify in court because your hairdo is so weird he thinks it could cloud the judgment of the jury.

It could be worse, you could be Levi Johnston and just get word that you were hired to star in a new music video and your future mother-in-law, Sarah Palin, gets a gleam in her eye when she asks when the shooting starts and you get a terrible feeling that she’s not talking about just the video.

It could be worse, you could be the Burger King mascot and find out that your girlfriend is no longer interested in your Whopper because she is now seeing Ronald McDonald.

It could be worse, you could be Tiger Woods struggling to get your old swing back…plus your golf game currently sucks as well.

It could be worse, you could be a guy wearing your Speedos at the beach and as you come out of the ocean, due to shrinkage from the cold water , the snickers you hear are louder than the roar of the ocean.

It could be worse, you could be Harry Reid and be so boring that you would lose a politician’s charisma contest with Al Gore.

After comparing your life to these people if you are not feeling better about yourself e-mail me with your life situation because you will be a candidate to be in the next episode of “it could be worse.”

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