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Here are some funny quotes from throughout the world of sports:
Vic Braden, tennis instructor
My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth,
you can learn to play. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't
as good. 

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver, famous fast-baller
Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch. 

Tommy John, N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery
When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did - but
it was Mrs. Koufax's. 

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback, when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

I don't know. I only played there for nine years. 

John Breen, Houston Oilers
We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three of
our backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost. 

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the
Atlanta Falcons
The film looks suspiciously like the game itself. 

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo. 

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch
the films on Sunday. 

Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
I have discovered, in twenty years of moving around the ball park, that
knowledge of the game is usually inversely proportional to the price of the
seats. 

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back, on why his marriage ceremony
was before noon.
Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day. 

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third
quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball. 

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday. 

Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett
on hitting
I tell him "Attaway to hit, George." 

Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
I learned a long time ago that "minor surgery" is when they do the operation
on someone else, not you. 

George MacIntyre, Vanderbuilt football coach, surveying the team roster that
included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores
Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

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Here are some funny quotes from and about the world of sports:

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
~ Robin Williams, 1982 ~

I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failures.
~ Earl Warren ~

Olympism is the marriage of sport and culture.
~ Juan Antonio Samaranch ~

Wrestling is ballet with violence.
~ Jesse Ventura ~

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
~ Source Unknown ~

This is a really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
~ Ted Walsh ~

If at first you don’t succeed … So much for skydiving.
~ Henry Youngman ~

Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes!
~ Robert M. Hutchins ~

Doug Sanders, professional golfer

I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the

same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be

perfect.

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives “See, there’s a fat guy

doing okay. Bring me another beer.”

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

Last year we couldn’t win at home, and we were losing on the road. My

failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers. I’ll take the

whiskey drinkers every time.

Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of

the people who hear them don’t care, and the other twenty percent are glad

you’re having trouble.

E. J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.

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(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That”  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations that were made as a result of  keeping my eye on the current events:

I saw a headline that said Tiger Woods had a swing app for IPhones and IPads. At first I thought, WOW! Then I realized it was for his golf swing.

The model of the new face for the Ken doll will be a former Iowa football player.  They were thinking of using Charlie Sheen’s face because he is so “winning”.  But then they would have had to make Barbie a crack using porn star so they decided against it.

I saw another headline that said Katie Couric was catching a ride on Bill Clinton’s plane.  I hope that was a literal statement rather than metaphorical because I think Katie is married.

Barry Bonds said he didn’t know he was taking steroids.  He saw everybody else’s body parts getting bigger too so he didn’t think it was a big deal.  But the thing was, with most people it was their ass, with him it was his head.

NFL football Hall of Famer, Lawrence Taylor, was convicted of having sex with an underage prostitute.  He said he didn’t know she was that young and also was quoted saying, “In the world of Prostitution you never know what you are going to get.”  (I thought Forrest Gump’s mom said it was in a box of chocolates you never know you’re going to get.)  Anyway, this should serve as a lesson to all you “johns” out there, only use hookers who are registered with the Better Business Bureau.

The code name for our war in Libya is “Odyssey Dawn”, which sounds like the name of a porn star.  That’s very appropriate because the American people are bound to get screwed in this deal.

After the war is over President Obama is promising the Libyan people hope and change and then he’s going to get them all on Obamacare too.

Last week an air traffic controller at the Reagan National Airport fell asleep on the job.  The good news is he wasn’t goofing off, he was just passed out from being drunk.

Lindsay Lohan is dropping her last name.  Now she’ll just be known as Lindsay.  She wants to drop the association with her father’s last name.  It will also make it less she has to remember when she wakes up from a drug induced stupor.

Apparently, there is a new phenomenon called Facebook Depression.  I assume this is what happens when you realize you don’t know anything about most of your “friends”, you realize all the work you did on Farmville wasn’t real and getting poked isn’t anything like having sex.

(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That”  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some funny observations based on watching the news and following the current events of this past week:

Lady Gaga terminated her business partnership with Target because of rumored disagreements over Gay Rights issues and also because they refused to carry a line of meat dresses.

Cellulose is a food additive from wood that is found in a lot of fast foods.  The drug companies are bound to follow suit and start putting it in erectile dysfunction drugs.  They’d have the perfect name for the drug …”The Woody”.

A Swedish bank robber was hiding in a bank vault in an elaborate robbery scheme.  When he left the vault he accidentally left behind his urine in a glass bottle.  You could say he pissed away the whole plan.

A condom maker is now putting an image of Gene Simmons from the rock band Kiss with his tongue unfurled on the condoms.  I’m not sure how that would be a turn on for the guy or the girl and it certainly doesn’t look good for Gene Simmons having his tongue wrapped around someone’s male member.

With Charlie Sheen continuing his rants, March Madness, normally about college basketball, takes on a whole new meaning.

A marathon runner is training for an upcoming marathon by eating nothing but McDonald’s food.  That pretty much guarantees he’ll be doing a lot of his training as he runs to the bathroom many times throughout the day and also have the runs while he’s in there.

Allegiant Airlines, out of Las Vegas, is giving travelers a chance to gamble on the price of a ticket.  If they buy a ticket in advance it could cost more or less at the time of the flight based on the price of oil.  Other airlines are thinking of following in this gambling mode and are implementing a price increase or decrease at the time of the flight based on if the pilot shows up drunk or not.

The CEO of Burger King made an offhand remark about British women not being very attractive and the British food not tasting very good.  He later apologized saying he was just bitter that the Burger King sales in England are not good, but he doesn’t blame the people.  It’s because their teeth are in too bad of shape to chew the food.

After the nuclear leaks from the earthquake in Japan the future of nuclear power doesn’t look good in the rest of the world.  On the plus side, as the radiation leaks spread people are going to be saving money on their power bills since they won’t need to turn on their lights as much because everyone is going to start glowing in the dark.

The late Pope John II is going to have a Facebook page.  The Facebook PR people are jumping on this saying they are the only social media group approved in heaven.

(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That”  is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only  $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right  away!)

Here are some more mostly funny quotes from mostly famous people:

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. –Mae West

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did. –Bette Davis
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. –Mark Twain

California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange. –Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. –P.J O’Rourke

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. –Steven Wright

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. -Hesiod

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day. –Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. –Robert Benchly

Electricity is really just organized lightning. –George Carlin

Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. –Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. –P.J. O’Rourke

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name. –Milton Berle

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. –Victor Hugo

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. –Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. –Fran Lebowitz

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. –Cathy Guiswite

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. –Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. –Mark Twain

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. –Naguib Maufouz

Here are some very funny one-liners.  Most of them are from very famous comedians and a few not so famous, but all very funny:

Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
Daniel Lybra

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
Dennis Miller

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith

I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo

I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
Margaret Smith

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
Johnny Carson

I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
Dennis Miller

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
Bobcat Goldthwait

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looks like.
Phyllis Diller

The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
Ellen DeGeneres

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If you are traveling this Christmas season here are some funny state mottos to help you decide if you want to go to those states.

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared

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Here’s some funny stuff that someone sent me.  Kids are always great for a laugh.

____________________________________

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find    North America ..
MARIA: Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered    America  ?
CLASS:         Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:   Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I”
MILLIE:         I  is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie….. Always say, “I  am”
MILLIE:         All right…  ”I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
________________________________

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand….
______________________________________

TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER:        Clyde  , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE   :         No, sir. It’s the same dog.


___________________________________

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
__________________________________

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Here are some funny observations made from the current events over the past week:

President Obama left for a 10 day visit to Asia including stops in India, Indonesia, South Korea and Japan.  He’s seen the writing on the wall for 2012 and he’s shopping for a new country he can say he was born in and run for president.

The Fed announced its plan to pump another $600 billion into the economy.   It’s kind of like Viagra for the economy with the public being the one who gets screwed.

Scientists are saying Neanderthals outperformed modern humans in the number of sex partners.  I’d say we should check with Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Tiger Woods on that but the fact is many women refer to them as Neanderthals anyway.

ABC has a new reality show called “Skating with the Stars.”  Aren’t most of the reality shows already skating on thin ice.

Last Friday was National Doughnut Day, which made the areas around all the Dunkin Donuts the most crime free they’ve been since last year at this time.

MySpace memberships are dwindling so much that they decided to piggyback onto Facebook’s popularity and change their name to SpaceFace.  ET will be their spokesman.

It’s coming out now why Charlie Sheen got so upset with the hooker.  After she saw him naked she said, “Oh, now I get who the half man is on your show.”

One of the Chilean miners who was trapped in a mine for 69 days recently ran in the New York Marathon.  It is rumored that he is also coaching the miner who had both a wife and a mistress on how to run really fast.

Dina Lohan says Lindsay wants to open her own rehab centers.  She figures it will be cheaper that way.  Plus, when she goes for a drink at the rehab center juice bar she can make sure it’s supplied with the proper “juice.”

…And finally, It’s true that President Obama has the car out of the ditch but, unfortunately, it’s now sinking in the ocean.

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Since we are into the baseball playoff season, and sexually I like to refer to myself as a fall classic (I can dream, can’t I?) I thought it would be apropos to point out the similarities between baseball and sex as one ages:

A good young shortstop can go deep in the hole to make a great play that everyone enjoys.  An aging shortstop might still be able to go deep in the hole but he can’t always pull off the great play anymore.

When you are young and versatile you are able to play every position there is.

As you get older you don’t move as well as you used to so you only want to play one position or sometimes two.  Playing every position is too hard but you still get a lot of enjoyment at those one or two positions because you are still in the game.

As a pitcher you can still go the distance when you need to but it’s okay to come on in relief and just make a short appearance.  After all, your fastball still has a lot of movement on it.

As a hitter you can still swing the bat pretty well and you can still hit the long ball.

Sometimes it’s okay to only get to first or second base.  You don’t need to hit a home run every time you get to the plate.

The fans still love to see you play…oops! Wait a minute, I was thinking of an aging stripper.

…And one of the best comparisons of all is that it is a game that can be enjoyed at any age.

(For women the game would be soft ball and I don’t even want to go there.)

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