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Today, this being very close to Thanksgiving, we’ll learn about a lesser known group that helped to start the Thanksgiving tradition.  This group was not quite up to being Pilgrims, they are the lesser known Ilgrims.  They just dropped their “P”, which if you just hear that instead of see it you may think that many of the Ilgrims had prostate problems, which many of them did.

You see, the Ilgrims were old Pilgrims that were kind of put out to pasture.  They couldn’t really serve any purpose in the original group anymore so they shipped them away to a neighboring village.  Their Pilgrim children would come to visit every now and then when their guilty consciences caught up with them, but not very often.

The Ilgrim’s Thanksgiving wasn’t quite the same experience as the Pilgrims.  The Pilgrims did invite the Ilgrims to the first Thanksgiving feast but the weather was bad and the Ilgrams couldn’t get there.  Being prideful old people they decided to have their own Thanksgiving feast so they went to the neighboring casino, which was run by the local Indian tribe.  The Indian casino was not their first choice, however.  They had sent out a hunting party but between all the bathroom breaks the male hunters had to take and their eyesight being so bad that they couldn’t get close enough to the deer or turkey to shoot them they ended up with a lesser meat, possum.  Actually, that didn’t even work out that well because after they shot the possum they realized it was already dead, the hunters thought it was just pretending.  It turns out it had been road kill and after they shot it there was not enough meat left to  feed one person let alone the whole group of Ilgrims.  That’s how they ended up at the Indian casino.

They ate at the buffet.  While their snooty kids, the Pilgrims, were eating outside on picnic tables in the middle of November the Ilgrims got to eat in a nice warm casino.  The Indian casino turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the Ilgrims because they met the Indian’s medicine man.  I should point out that these Indians were also older Indians that had been sent off in to the mountains to die.  Instead of going to the mountains though these old Indians met an old medicine man who had a kiosk and was selling snake oil.  Really it wasn’t snake oil at all.  It was actually experimental drugs from Eli Lilly that didn’t improve the quality of life but it did keep the Indians alive a lot longer.

Anyway the Indians at the casino introduced the Ilgrams to the sales rep from Eli Lilly and along with the old medicine man, who, by the way, got drummed out of the medicine man union for using pharmaceutical drugs, they got the Ilgrims hooked on the drugs that extended their lives even though the Ilgrims couldn’t have cared less because all they did after that was stare at their TV sets (which didn’t even work because electricity wasn’t invented yet) and droll into their soup bowls.

Since it did extend their lives another 20 years the Ilgrams started a tradition of going to the Indian casino every Thanksgiving.  And the Ilgram wives didn’t even get upset when the hookers from the casino made advances to their husbands because it wasn’t like they could do anything about it since Viagra had not yet been invented.

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We’ve all seen many comparisons of cats and dogs.  Many people strongly favor one or the other, although some people are bi- household animal lovers and have both dogs and cats.  Very often we wonder what animals are thinking and we can only guess.  Fortunately, today we have Dr. Stevie Doolittle here to tell us what they really think and say.  (That’s me, by the way.)

First of all, you should know that cats always talk in a very snotty aloof British accent.  Not that all British accents are snotty, of course, but the ones that cat’s use is, like that of a billionaire’s English butler.  The exception to this is if your cat is from the south, then he talks in a slick southern plantation owner accent.  Most dogs don’t have a real accent except for the real small breed like Chihuahua, Pekinese, etc., pick you breed (also pick your accent.)  Dogs are always enthusiastic, but the smaller ones are sometimes antagonistic.  For example, if you walk past a yard that has a Chihuahua in it and he is barking vigorously at your ankles, what he’s really saying is, “This is my land.  Get away or I’ll scratch your eyes out, I’ll kill you, I’ll pulverize you, I’ll have you for lunch, etc.”

That’s what he’s saying until you step towards him or lightly stomp your foot at him.  Then as he’s running away he’s saying, “Whoa, whoa, I was just kidding, can’t you take a joke and just so you know I’m not scared I just thought I heard my human call me.”  Then he forgets why he was running away and comes back to barking at your ankles and the whole sequence starts over again.

If you ask a dog to shake his paw here’s what he’s thinking as he gives you his paw, “Sure, what else you want?  Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers? I’ll get the paper. I’ll sniff your butt if you bend over.”

Ask a cat to shake his paw and this is what you’ll get.  A smug stare followed by the thought, “I don’t do tricks.  But here’s one you can do.  You can kiss my…No, I need to train this imbecile better.  Get me some food and brush me and we’ll discuss this need to shake later on…if I can fit you in between naps.” And he walks away.

If you call a dog to come over where you’re at he’ll do so enthusiastically, wagging his tail, even if he was in a sound sleep when you called him and he’ll be saying, “Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers?  I’ll get the paper.  I can sniff you butt if you bend over.”

If you call a cat to come to you when he was in a sound sleep, which is pretty much always how they are, he may open his eyes to look at you, but if he bothers it’s only to give you the message, “You annoy me.”

When you compliment a dog he’ll get excited and wag his tail and say “Wanna play? I can fetch.  Want your slippers?  I’ll get the paper.  I can sniff your butt if you bend over.”

If you compliment a cat it will give you that long uncaring stare and say, “Duh, I know I’m beautiful.  Don’t expect a compliment in return.  I’m liable to defecate in your shoe for speaking to me.  Now, do something to serve me, you peon.”

I think you get the idea in the difference between cats and dogs.  This is neither meant as an endorsement or condemnation of either animal, it all has to do with what you want in an animal.  But one thing is for sure, if you are looking to get your butt sniffed, go for the dog.

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Many people get bored or discouraged when they have a long layover time in an airport when they are flying.  I say take advantage of the time and have some fun.  If you are thinking shooting spitballs at the TSA agent you would be wrong.  While that would be great fun and even a worthwhile hobby it would be too dangerous because of those pesky security camera they have all over the place.   But at least I know you are thinking the right way.

One of my favorite activities in airport, besides leaving other coffee company’s cups inside Starbucks stores, is the people movers.  It’s fun to act like you are in a hurry and have people move to the right so that you can make your “emergency” pass.  But it can also be a lot of fun to just ride back and forth on the people movers.  Although, to avoid looking like a crazy person who is just killing time (which is what you’d be doing) you have to act like you just went the wrong way.

This can take a great deal of acting skill and makes it all the more fun.  When you get off the people mover you have to stop and look like you just realized it’s very possible you went in the wrong direction.  You need to look in the direction you just came and back the other way.  Put your hands on your hips and scrunch up your face a little.  Then you look like you had the sudden realization that you went in the wrong direction.  You shake your head and laugh at how silly you were to go the wrong way and get back on the people mover in the direction from which you just came.  Be sure to have a big smile on your face and let it diminish as you get closer to the other end because you’ll have to do the same thing all over again.

One warning though, do not get to carried away with this little drill and start acting like a mime trying to get out of his invisible box because you might have people have a sudden urge to beat you.

While you probably thought people were watching your award winning performance from the start, once you’ve done this for an hour or two you will definitely have an audience so you’re going to want to carry a tip cup with you so you can be rewarded like any street performer would be.  So, really you can make this layover actually pay off.  It’s much better than just wandering in stores where you are likely to spend money.  With this you get to entertain yourself and make money, supposedly.

It really gets fun if you are with one or more people and they’ll play too because then you get to point and even pretend to argue with the other person about the direction you were supposed to go in.

If none of this strikes your fancy you can pretend you are a computer geek and can’t wait to get off the plane so you can immediately sit on the disgustingly dirty airport floors and get your Internet and e-mail fix.  Unless you are actually a computer geek, than go ahead and do that anyway, without pretending.

If none of this seems like fun you can always go back to what you thought I was going to say in the first place and shoot spitballs at the TSA agents.  Just to be safe though, see if you can get one of those invisibility cloaks like Harry Potter uses.  Or if you can’t locate one of those you can at least PRETEND you have one.

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With Halloween just a few days away it got me to wondering about a lot of things.  The main thought that keeps buzzing around in my head is what does someone like Frankenstein dress up as on Halloween?

There are many ideas about where the Halloween tradition started.  One theory is that some farmers got together because these plants called pumpkins were growing wild in their fields and stifling all the other plants.  They figured they had to do something about this and they were all sitting around outside of a barn looking all depressed with very long faces when a witch flew by on her broom to feed her black cat that she kept on the farm.  She saw the farmers and said to them, “You know, if you let your face stay like that for too long it’ll stick and it will look like you’re wearing a mask.”  (She was a motherly witch.)

They told her that was really stupid and asked her what she wanted there.  She told them she was there to feed her black cat but also she wanted to know if any of the farmers were growing cocoa because she wanted to start a candy factory.

They said that it was ridiculous for a witch to start a candy factory and they couldn’t grow cocoa because of all the stupid pumpkins.  She told them she’d take the pumpkins off their hands if they’d grow some cocoa and they struck a deal and Halloween was born…Naw! I’m just kidding.  It’s obvious there was no truth to that story because it had no sugar.

Here’s the real story.  (It must be true because I got at least one of these fact off the Internet.)   The history of Halloween goes back over 2,000 years.  The earliest Halloween celebrations were by Celtic people, most notably Larry Bird and Bill Russell.  They worshipped a Sun God, I’m thinking this was Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns, because he is a future Hall of Famer.  They celebrated their New Year on November 1st.  This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death.  There was most likely an NBA strike going on back then too, because it is coincidentally when The NBA normally starts and the people needed something to fill in their time because baseball season was over and the NFL only plays on Sunday.

They would then perform ceremonies through the night and wear costumes such as animal heads and skins which was not only the forerunner to Halloween costumes but also to sports team mascots like the San Diego Chicken and the Phillie Phanatic.

They would sit around the fire and make predictions about the future.  People would make bets on these predictions and some of them would be fixed to favor the house and that was the beginnings of bookies.

About 1,000 AD they combined Halloween with a celebration called Soul Day.  The founder of Nike was not a good speller and thought it was Sole day so he founded his sneaker company.

There you have it.  I’m sure you were not expecting something so educational when you started reading this and I’ll bet very few people knew there was such a close relationship between Halloween and the sports world.

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Today the darfunnyonline guest advice columnist, Dear Crabby, will spew her venom… ur, uh, I mean give some advice concerning questions our readers have about Halloween.

Thank you, Steve, you witless drone.  And now that he is gone let me say to him, “bite me.”  And I don’t mean in that sexy, Halloweenish, vampire type way, but just in the meanest sense of the word.

I’m still here Crabby.

And you are still a witless drone that can bite me.

Whatever.

Even if he’s not gone I at least got him to shut up enough to get onto the good stuff…my advice. So here we go with the first question from one of our readers:

Dear Crabby,

My wife wants to dress up in a very sexy Halloween costume for the party we are going to.  I think it’s too much and I’m a little embarrassed by it.  Do you think I should tell her my feelings?

Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned Husband,

Quit being a wimp.  I’m going to go out on  a limb here and guess that you will be going to the party as something more like the Pillsbury Doughboy instead of an Oscar Mayer Weiner, which means you are more likely to give your wife a yeast infection than satisfy her in bed.  We girls liked to get turned on sometimes so why don’t you try a little less of the former and go with the Weiner, as it were.

Crabby

(Steve’s note:  It’s hard to imagine Crabby as either a girl or getting turned on…yeah, I don’t even want to think about it.)

(Crabby note:  Can it, jokeless wonder, onto the next question.)

Dear Crabby,

My kids really want to go trick or treating but I think it’s an archaic tradition that should not be encouraged for so many reasons that I won’t even go into here.  What advice can you give me?

Mother of Rightness

Dear Mother of Rightness,

First of all, thanks for not going into your reasons to not go trick or treating. Yes, I can give you some advice.  I think you actually should go trick or treating with your kids.  You could go as a patient in a proctologist’s office because your ass cheeks are apparently so tight it has created a magnetic effect and caused numerous objests to get stuck up their.  Lighten up a little and let your kids have a little fun.  Trust me, you won’t get an allergic reaction to fun if it’s in the air.

Also, I’m pretty sure your husband would be sending me a present if I was able to get you to loosen up a little. Either that or I suggest you hook up with the guy in the first letter and couples switch with him and his wife, and you and he can be prudes together.  Then everybody wins!

Crabby

Okay, we have time for one more letter…

No Crabby, it’s Steve…Your advice was so bad today that I can’t let you do another letter.

Oh, it’s you.  I see you you are already in your Halloween costume.  You’re going as a giant goober.  What are you talking about?  I gave great advice.

The only thing that was great was to confirm that people should do the opposite of what you advise.

Well, if people should do the opposite of what I tell them let me adise you to live a long, happy life, starting immediately!

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The other day I was impressed by a large naval instrument.  By that I don’t mean a tool used by someone in the Navy, but rather something that looked big enough to be a tool attached to the skin on a girl’s belly button.  At first I thought she might be a construction worker with a unique tool belt but then I just realized I must be getting old because I’m thinking, “Why would somebody do that?”

Even though belly button rings are not new, neither is doing stupid things.  (Oh no, I just realized I sounded like Andy Rooney for a second – I’m not that old!)  But seriously, come on.  And what is with those big hoops that people put in their ear lobes that stretch them out so much they look like a reject from National Geographic.

And then there are tattoos.  It’s an old art but a body should not be a canvass, plus sometimes it could get embarrassing depending where you get the tattoo.  Like if a girl gets one on her ass and then the tattoo artist says, “Anything else you want, there’s plenty of room back here for more.”  Or a man could get his girlfriend’s name on his sexual part and there’s not enough room for all the letters.  It’s especially embarrassing if her name is Joy or Cam or something like that.

These are habits mostly of the younger generation but it’s not like my Baby Boomer generation never did anything odd back in the day.  In the 50s and 60s lots of young guy’s got a haircut called a “duck’s ass.”  This, actually, was quite brilliant when you think about it, because it gave these guys the perfect rebuttal if someone accused them of having their head up their ass.  They could reply to that with, “Nuh-uh.  That shows what you know.  I don’t have my head up my ass.  I have a duck’s ass on my head.  Boy, are you stupid!” Girls were not immune to weird do’s either, just pick up any yearbook from the 60s and have a good laugh.  But, then, I wouldn’t say they are nearly as strange as what you’d see if you walked onto a high school or college campus today.

Baby Boomers also spawned the drug age, but again, what occurred back then was mild compared to the drug scene today.  I believe it was Plato who said, “All this crap has to start somewhere.”  Okay, I don’t know for a fact that he said that but I wouldn’t be surprised.  He was a philosopher, after all.

Even video games didn’t start with the current generation.  That started with pacman in the eighties and even the precursor to that would have been pinball machines. I know that because I used to watch Happy Days and the Fonz played pinball machines.

The fact is that every generation has their own oddities and idiosyncrasies and every generation thinks it’s better than the one before it.  Probably, in twenty years there will a law passed that it will be illegal to talk into your verbal text machines while flying your hovercraft less than ten feet off the ground.  Yeah, right, like there will be a machine that you can actually talk to people and not have to type out a message to text them!

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This week we have a guest that we are going to interview.  His name is Big Benny (he didn’t get the “big” nickname because he’s tall) and he has some helpful household tips for bachelors.  At least that’s what he tells me.   Actually, it was some guy who I was talking to in the park (for all I know he could be homeless.)  I had nothing else to write about this week, so I thought, what the heck.  Let’s see how this turns out:

Steve:  Benny, you said you have some household tips, give the readers some.

Big Benny:  This is one I really like because it not only keeps the house cleaned up but it also combines deep breathing which is good for the lungs. (As he says this he took a drag on his cigarette.)  When the dust gets so thick that it even bothers a single guy living alone then this really works out well…

Steve:  …Okay, do you want to tell us what it is?

Big Benny:  Oh yeah, so anyway, the dust is really thick so you take a really deep breath (he demonstrates and coughs while doing it) and blow the dust away.

Steve:  But that just scatters the dust, it doesn’t really clean anything.

Big Benny:  That may be true but now it’s not so concentrated so that ants can no longer make a home out of it.  Plus, now that I mention it, if there are ants on the furniture that you are cleaning you can blow them off too.  It’s almost as much fun as hunting.

Steve:  Interesting…

Big Benny: …Which reminds me how much I used to love to pour boiling water on a big swarm of ants on the sidewalk when I was a kid…ah memories!

Steve:  Yeah, well, what little boy doesn’t like to do that?  So, do you have any other hot household tips for the bachelor, and let me emphasize, if that’s all you have, that is perfectly okay.

Big Benny:  Not to worry, I have lots more.

Steve:  I was afraid you would.  What’s next?

Big Benny:  This is a really effective way of cleaning out your refrigerator, which many bachelors don’t ever think of.

(Let me point out that I’m smelling a lot of alcohol on Big Benny breath and it’s the morning, and I met him sitting on a park bench, all lending credence to the homeless theory.)

Steve:  All right, I’ll bite.  What is it?

Big Benny:  When your fridge is so disgusting with rotten food, etc. that it is begging to be cleaned, which by the way, is the limit that has to be reached for cleaning anything in a bachelor’s home, you spread maggots in the fridge to let them eat all the crud.  This is a little tip I got by watching the TV show “Bones” where they let maggots eat the flesh off of dead bodies to expose the bones.  I just thought of applying it to household tips.

Steve:  But then you have a refrigerator full of maggots.

Big Benny:  This is the cool part.  You spray them with bug killer and then sweep them out.  You rid the world of some maggots and you get a clean fridge…everybody wins.

Steve:  Okay then! That ‘s all the time we have…

Big Benny:  Wait I have one more fast one.

Steve:  Fine, go ahead.

Big Benny:  Food preparation…you make a list of all the places that deliver food and tape it to the fridge.

Steve:  Thanks, for the hot tips.

I got up to leave and Big Benny stopped me.

Big Benny:  Wait, you have to pay me.  I thought you were talking to me because you saw my “will give household tips to bachelors for food” sign.

I flipped him a quarter and I think I heard him mumble something about a cheapskate…he must have been thinking of someone else.  Anyway, I told him I’ll fix him up with a date too.  I’ve got to introduce him to the darnfunnyonline advice columnist, Dear Crabby, they’d make a great couple.

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Autumn is my favorite time of year.  The leaves start to turn beautiful shades of a variety of colors, (well, not too many colors here in California) the air gets nice and crisp, (of course, here in Southern California it was 92 degrees yesterday) the grass stops growing so you no longer have to cut it, (actually, here in Southern California the grass grows year round) but, most important of all Starbucks starts to serve pumpkin lattes.  The truth is, I don’t drink lattes of any flavor but I had to have something that no one could take away from me in the fall because I live in Southern California.  And, the fact is, you can’t toss a computer geek anywhere here without hitting a Starbucks.

Okay, so in Los Angeles the fall is not as pronounced as it is in many other parts of the country but it is still noticeable and I still love it.  And being a basically optimistic person, it could be a lot worse.  It could be Florida where the winter is warm, the spring is hot, summer is disgustingly hot and humid and fall cools off to repeat the spring at hot.  I’ll tell you, Santa Claus has to be pissed when he goes through Florida as he is overdressed and the sleigh just doesn’t move as well in the sand as it does in the snow.  It’s probably a good thing that there are so many old people there so Santa doesn’t have to make as many stops.

Anyway, back to fall.  Football season makes it seem like fall no matter where you live.  I don’t know what it is about seeing grown men run into each other full force, often breaking each other’s bones, that brings out the fall season, but it sure does.  Also, as you get deep into fall and early winter and you watch football on TV you can sometimes see snow and then you really get to experience the change of seasons via the magic of football.  So, really, football season (the fall) is a magical time no matter where you live.  Football widows should take note of that, if I do say so myself, brilliant reasoning.

Also, the World Series takes place during the fall.  What sane person wouldn’t get complete satisfaction out watching grown men try to hit a ball with a stick and then run around touching bases, even if sometimes players steal the bases.  By the way, when they steal the bases they are cheered on and there is no punishment at all, only reward.  At any rate, it is fall when the World Series takes place and the players are often wearing jackets when they are sitting on the bench which makes it that much definite that it is fall.  This time of year is a virtual panacea for sports fans.

It’s not just exciting for men with their sports, but women can also enjoy shopping for the new fall line of clothing, blah, blah.

Kids love this time of year too because there is Halloween and they can get a sugar high like you would not believe!

So, fall is great no matter where you live because of all the fun activities associated with it….even pumpkin lattes, if you are into that.

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As I was making out an order for vitamins I was starting to get a little sleepy and I put my head down on the vitamin catalog. It’s the only explanation I can come up with for the dream I had.

It seems there was a convention going on in my body.  It was a vitamin convention.  No, not a convention for vitamin salesmen, but a convention for vitamins themselves.  Minerals weren’t really invited; it was only for the vitamins.  That’s okay though because, the minerals, being the building blocks of the body, were like the construction workers just outside of the convention hall, in this dream, the stomach.

Being construction workers they were whistling and making catcalls to the vitamins as they walked by, like this for example:

Mineral:  Yo momma! You must be one of those SUPER vitamin Cs I’ve heard about because you are looking fine to me.

The female vitamin C strutted her stuff past the minerals, never blinking.  But then this male vitamin C with a cape and tights and a large S on his chest flew down and landed in front of the minerals and in a loud booming voice said to the minerals:

Super C:  No, I am Super C!  (Then his voice got much softer and even had a little lisp to it) And if any of you big strong minerals are interested in seeing more than my “S,” we can bind together after you get off work.

Mineral:  Uh, yeah, well, uh, about that, we minerals pretty much are working 24 hours a day so I guess we’ll pass.

The iron, copper, calcium and magnesium all shook their heads in agreement.  Then a soy derivative ran out from behind them and said:

Soy Derivative:  (shyly)  Actually, I’d like to see your “S” and more, if I could.

Super C grinned and proudly put out his arm which the soy derivative grabbed onto.  The Super C picked him up and they flew off, I have no idea where.  The other minerals shrugged and went back to work.  The potassium was heard to say to no one in particular:

Potassium:  …Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Anyway, back at the convention, the other vitamins were gathering.  The vitamin D strode up all cocky with designer sunglasses on his face.  Some other vitamins ran up to him for his autograph.  He bragged to some other vitamins as they walked by but didn’t really pay much attention to what he said:

Vitamin D:  I’m the most popular vitamin these days, everyone’s talking about me.

Some vitamin Es were standing by and one of the older, sage looking ones commented:

Vitamin E:  I remember when we were all the rage like that.  It doesn’t last, the press latches onto an idea and that’s all they talk about for a while.  We know we are still one of the most potent and powerful vitamins there are.

The other Es nodded in agreement as they looked on , envious of the vitamin D.

Then a vitamin K showed up.  He was wearing a trench coat and a fedora hat, looking very mysterious.  No one was really paying too much attention to him, I guess, because no one really knew who he was or what he did.

Next a B vitamin showed up and she had a slew of kids with her.  They all ran around like crazy, with so much energy, and there were so many of them that she didn’t even give them names, she called them by numbers.

Some bystander was heard to comment that those kids needed a little Ritalin but a bunch of the other vitamins jumped him and beat him up just for uttering the words.  After all, this was a vitamin convention.

Just then I woke from my dream and raising my head off the vitamin catalog I noticed the pool of droll I had left on it. I looked around as I shook out the cobwebs and thought what a weird dream that was.  Man, I must be taking too many herbs lately.

darnfunnyonline.com

This is a great time of year for a sports fan.  Football season has started, baseball is gearing up for the playoffs which segues right into the start of basketball season, which all makes it the busiest time of year for divorce lawyers.

It’s not that all women hate sports, although some do, it’s that they have to compete with sports for their spouse’s attention.  It’s not even that all women refuse to watch sports with their spouse, it’s that the men mostly prefer to watch sports with as little estrogen in the air as possible.

Watching sports is considered a man’s domain because it’s the one place where he can feel like he is never wrong.  Of course, this is because after a play is over he can tell everybody else in the room what the players should have done.

If a woman does claim to be a sports fan there is no option but to be a fan of your spouse’s team.  And if you women are going to be a fan of that team may I also suggest naked cheerleading during commercial breaks.  The exception to that would be if there are other men in the room or if it is the Super Bowl, because then the commercials are really worth watching.

Now that I think of it, being your spouse’s own personal naked cheerleader could lead to halftime sex and for some men even commercial breaks might be long enough.

Some men think of watching sports similar to masturbation, that is, there really is no reason for a woman to be there.  That’s why this naked cheerleading could really catch on because it does give women a purpose for being there, at least from the man’s point of view.

Men have been known to think of a woman who likes sports to be a spy for other women, who they then report back to.  At least we like to think that women are talking about us when they go out to lunch.  And I’m sure they do, they just aren’t saying the stuff we want them to be saying.

The trouble with women watching sports with men is that they ask too many questions and say too many inappropriate things.  Here’s an example:

Woman:  Why do the players with the ball always run to where the other team is?

Man:  They don’t run to them, the other team is chasing them.

Woman: (confused) Oh…Why didn’t he throw the ball to somebody who doesn’t have so many people around him?

Man: (Looks at the woman and shakes his head.)

Woman:  I’m for your team but I really do like the other team’s uniforms better.

Man, again, shakes his head.

(Note:  This is one reason so many college football teams often have loud, unusual uniforms, in hopes of attracting female students to the games.)

Woman:  (During a football game.)  What inning is it?

Man, again, shakes his head.

Woman:  Why do they show the cheerleaders so often?

Man:  (Now that you’ve read this article you can say this.)  I know, I agree!  If only I had my own naked cheerleader.  (If she won’t go for that try for naked waitress, but cheerleading would be the first option because there is jumping, which leads to bouncing.)

Then everybody would be happy, and by everybody I mean the men.

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