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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Rick Santorum said he believes Satan has his sights set on America.  Being a former member of Congress, he should know, since Satan took over there a while ago.

Newt Gingrich said Obama was the worst President in U.S. history.  He got a prominent Democrat to agree with him too because Jimmy Carter was in the background cheering and fist pumping as he said, “YES!!!  I’m not the worst!”

Scientists have created artificial meat using stem cells in a test tube.  Let’s just hope they were grass fed stem cells.

Taco Bell’s response to the artificial meat was that as soon as the price would come down that was going to be their new official source of all their artificial meat.

Paris Hilton just released a music video for her song, Drunk Text.  You’ve heard the old adage, write (or in this case, sing) what you know about.

Rick Santorum says he rejects the idea of separation of church and state.  Sweater vest manufacturers are complaining about all his stupid comments because he is making them look bad.

As the economy is showing slight signs of recovery Obama has said the time to blame former President Bush for things is over and he is now taking full responsibility for the economy.

Obama has a new campaign slogan.  It is simply “I promise __________ .”  And you get to fill in the blank with whatever you want.

A sculpture installed in the front lawn of a school in Alaska has created a controversy because people are saying it looks like a vagina.  The sculptor can’t believe there is a controversy and to all his critics he suggests they take a look at the backside of the sculpture.

I read an article this week about places with politically incorrect names such as Wop Draw, Wyoming, Jewtown, Georgia and Polack Lake, Michigan.  It made me realize my home state of Pennsylvania isn’t so much politically incorrect as it is sexually perverted with names of towns such as Blue Ball, Virginsville, and Beavertown.  (Okay, that last one is named after actual beavers but I included it for my own enjoyment.)

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Monica Lewinsky was back in the news last week when PBS was promoting a documentary on Bill Clinton with Lewinsky as part of the focus.  It was ironic that the promo came out on Valentine’s Day and every man was hoping it would serve as a hint of what he really wanted from his spouse on Valentine’s Day.

A man in California was charged with cooking and eating cats.  The mouse community was up in arms protesting this arrest.

Also, the man, did confess that he was always partial to cats over dogs.

Chelsea Handler was getting heat about making a joke about little people in an interview with Rosie O’Donnell.   In Chelsea’s defense is was just a short joke.

Last week, early one morning many people in upstate South Carolina witnessed what they believed was a UFO streaking through the sky and crashing.  It is believed the UFO had abducted some very obese citizens of Mississippi and it just couldn’t bear the extra weight.

At a Pennsylvania Wal-Mart, a 300 lbs. naked man stole a pair of socks before he was arrested.  At 300 lbs. he was hoping there was already enough sagging to cover up the private parts but I think Wal-Mart would have thrown in a pair of underwear just for promotional purposes.  And then, since it was in Pennsylvania, if Rick Santorum could have given him a sweater vest the guy would have had a whole new wardrobe.

Lady Gaga has a new perfume out on the market.  It smells like meat that has been sitting out for a while that has been made into a dress.

Cheryl Teigs was the first person fired by Donald Trump on the new season of Celebrity Apprentice.  Apparently, he was jealous that her hair was nicer than his.

Police arrested a man in Florida after finding crack cocaine in his buttocks.  Shouldn’t it be legal to have crack in your crack?  By the way, the policeman who found the crack is now being recruited by the TSA.

In Connecticut, a son served his 98 year-old mother an eviction notice from the house she lived in for almost 60 years.  He said he was concerned about her health and her living alone…and, oh yeah, he wants the money when he sells the house.

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week, Vice-President, Joe Biden, had a telephone call with the Vice-President of China.  Suddenly an Abbott and Costello routine comes to mind.

According to Time Magazine, 1.3 million condoms are being recalled because they were defective.  But the good news is any couple that got pregnant while using the defective condoms can get a full refund.

Last week was the 2^nd anniversary of Michelle Obama’s campaign to reduce obesity, the “Let’s Move” program.  Or as the fat kids are saying, “How many more days until the election?”

According to a new Gallup poll, 10% of Americans approve of the job that Congress is doing.  Coincidentally, 10% of the population is either related to a congressman or has had illegal dealings with one.

After a couple “unfriended” a woman on Facebook, the woman’s father and a friend murdered the couple.  This gave the Facebook people an idea to create a new game to compliment Farmville.  They are calling it Murderville.

A father taught his daughter a lesson after she broke ground rules and posted on Facebook and made disrespectful comments about him.  So the father made a video and posted it on YouTube where he shot eight bullets into the daughter’s laptop.  Now the Facebook folks are re-thinking the above noted Murderville idea and want a broader theme so they are changing it to PsychoDadville.

A 48 year-old millionaire adopted his girlfriend.  After they make love and he says, ”Who’s your daddy?” he wanted to make sure she gives the right answer.

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day in honor of Saint Valentine, the patron saint of evil intentions towards men.

A Mississippi Junior College student was arrested when what he wrote about passing gas in the library was misconstrued as a bomb threat.  If it truly was just a mistake, and this kid’s farts are bad enough to be mistaken for a bomb, the last thing they need is for him to be eating prison food and making them smell worse.

Some people are now saying Madonna’s halftime show was filled with satanic symbolism.  Her publicist said if anyone has a complaint they should call 666-666-6666.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

After President Obama wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater last week with his singing voice the producers of American Idol invited him to sing on their show next year.  The timing couldn’t be better because he expects to have a lot of time on his hands after the election.

Newt Gingrich still feels he has a shot in this election.  He figures he should not only be a favorite with fat Americans, but also of divorced Americans, which between the two has to cover about 90% of the population.

Newt is touting himself as a regular guy, a sort of “every man.”  I don’t know if he is every man but as fat as he is he could definitely pass for two or three of them.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked friends and family to pray for her husband, Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  He’s already won 3 Super Bowls and he’s married to a supermodel.  That’s like asking people to pray for Mitt Romney to make more money.

The labor department announced that the economy created 243,000 new jobs last month.  Unfortunately, none of them were in the US.

According to the Wall Street Journal, a study has shown that nagging is the number one cause for divorce in the US.  The number two cause was when injury caused by men ignore the nagging.

Taco Bell is being investigated in a salmonella outbreak that sickened 68 people in 10 states.  A Taco Bell spokesman said, “What’s the big deal? That’s way below our average…Hey, maybe we’ll get a reward!”

Last week was Groundhog Day.  The groundhog saw his shadow so it looks like we’ll have 6 more weeks of Republican primaries.

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  Interestingly, his former profession was boxer, but his career was brief because he liked to chase women who wore thongs.

According to a report 60% of Miami residents are miserable.  Coincidentally, this survey was done during a week when Miami stores were having a hard time getting deliveries of “Depends.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

When Obama was at Disney World last week he went into one of their stores.  As he was leaving one of the clerks said to him, “Mr. President, you have to pay for the Mickey Mouse ears…oh, sorry, never mind.”

During a search of a Guantanamo Bay prison cell, guards found a copy of al-Qaeda magazine.  It was the issue where Barbara Walters interviewed the ten most interesting terrorists of the years.

KC of KC and the Sunshine Band had a birthday this week.  Not that he’s getting old, but now when he does a little dance, he can no longer make a little love, because he’s got to sit down tonight….and rest.

According to a University of Michigan study, talking about sex is as important to a relationship as having sex.  Unless, since 40% of men now have moobs, or male breasts, they get into comparing breast size with their wives….then it’s not the best.

Last weekend in Oakland 400 “Occupy protesters” were arrested for throwing rocks bottles and starting fires.  Police are theorizing that it’s been so long since an Oakland sports team won a championship that rioters had to find something else to riot about.

A woman in Iowa gave birth to a baby boy weighing 13 lbs. and 13 ounces.  So, now American youth aren’t even waiting to get out of the womb to get fat.

Mitt Romney says he’s not from Washington and that’s why he should be elected President.  Great, since he’s not from there he’s going to end up taking even more vacations than Obama does.

Romney also said about not being from Washington, that he’s lived on the real streets of America…the ones paved with gold.

A hospital worker from Logan, Utah was arrested for having sex with an unconscious woman in the hospital he worked at.  He told police he just made a mistake.  After he touched her between the legs and she didn’t move, he was sure it was his wife so he thought it was okay to have sex with her.

President Obama announced a new energy plan.  He’s going to vacation more and conserve his energy until he finds out who his opponent in the election will be so he knows who to attack.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church.

President Obama was in Disney World last week where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs.  Appropriately, the code name they had for the plan was “Goofy.”

According to the CDC, 69% of Americans are overweight or obese.  So, if California ever does fall into the ocean we’ll know why.

Wikipedia was voluntarily down for a day last week in protest of proposed laws for anti-piracy.  So, for that day you had to go to another source if you wanted misinformation about a topic.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife had said that he wanted an open marriage.  I don’t think that’s different than most politicians.  He just wanted to be able to screw as many people as possible.

A human head was found near the famous Hollywood sign in Hollywood hills.  Parts of the brain were missing so police were pretty certain that it was a local resident rather than a tourist.

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

Last week a woman took her 5 year-old son along with her on a bank robbery.  Apparently, she had no money for a baby sitter and that’s why she was robbing the bank.

Newt Gingrich overheard a newsman reporting about the election saying, “The stakes were very high.”  Newt’s reaction was, “Steaks?  I’ll have three, well done.”

Chris Christie had harsh words about Newt Gingrich’s past record.  One reporter called it putting a knife into Newt’s back.  Naturally, Christie would have saved the fork for himself because he was going to lunch right afterword – hey, fat guys gotta eat.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Illinois passed a new law that allows people to eat road kill they find on the highway.  Taco Bell was like, “Oh great, another competitor for our meat source.”

Newt Gingrich has an excellent chance to be our next President because he has so much in common with many Americans, being overweight like he is.

Salt Lake City was voted the gayest city.  It could be because they are just a little behind the times there.  When people were asked if they were gay they just thought they meant happy.

The homosexuals of San Francisco response was, “We think Salt Lake City is nice but San Francisco is FABULOUS.”

It looks more and more like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential candidate.  He’s feeling more confident too.  His new campaign slogan is, “I’m as good as it gets, deal with it.”

Michelle Obama was being interviewed by CBS’s Gayle King and was asked about being characterized as an “angry black woman.”  Michelle’s response was, “If I hear that characterization one more time I’m gonna kick some ass.”

I saw a headline this week that said “Nancy Pelosi defending Barney Frank and discussing her feelings about Anthony Weiner.”  Frank and Weiner?  Is it me or is Nancy Pelosi subliminally setting us up for her retirement when she plans to open a hot dog stand?

A new study says that America’s obesity rate is down.  Trouble is they left out part of the phrase.  It should have read it was “down the toilet,” which gives it a whole new meaning.

Authorities arrested a man in North Carolina after his neighbor caught him having sex with her 60 lb. dog.  The man claimed his neighbor must be some kind of a pervert for having watched it.

In China, an Apple store couldn’t open because of safety concerns with a mob of people waiting outside to buy the iPhone 4S.  When they didn’t open the crowd pelted the store with eggs.  People in China are already stocking up on eggs in anticipation of the release of iPhone 5.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Centuries ago the Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012.  How do we know that wasn’t just some wild and crazy Mayan guys at a party pulling a practical joke?

President Obama’s campaign has just released a highlight reel of his top accomplishments.  Don’t worry it’s very short.  There’s an introduction, ending credits and that’s it.

In the event Obama does get re-elected in 2012 what would he actually do for the next four years?  The only thing he knows how to do effectively as President is run for office and he can’t run again in 2016.

According the National Enquirer Kobe Bryant cheated on his wife with 105 different women.  But by NBA standards that’s like being faithful.

Leaders in Saudia Arabia will start enforcing a law that allows females only to work in lingerie stores.  There has been a former rule that only men could work in lingerie stores but too many of the men were wearing panties on their heads and there were too many accidents where customers slipped in the puddles of drool left by the male workers.

Obama has announced that he wants to shrink the size of the military.  But he tells us not to worry because it won’t increase unemployment.  For every military man they get rid of they will hire two paper pushers to get the job done.

According to research a person’s brain power starts to diminish after 45, which explains a lot about  Congress since their average age is 58.

The Boston Globe has endorsed Jon Huntsman, of course, the endorsement was in the comics section of the paper.

A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.  When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, “It wasn’t me, was it?”

According to the National Enquirer, Chaz Bono told his mother, Cher, that he never wanted to see her again.  Cher said back to him, “Don’t worry, I’ll just have some more plastic surgery and you won’t even recognize me.”

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Here are the best jokes of the week from the late night comedians including Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien:

“Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.” –Conan O’Brien

“There’s a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant.” –Conan O’Brien

“Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it’s also known, ‘old white guy Mardi Gras.’” –Conan O’Brien

“They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards.” –David Letterman

“Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen more debates.” –David Letterman

“I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya.” –Craig Ferguson

“The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il’s son. That’s an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly.” –Craig Ferguson

“The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, ‘Operation Regret This In Five Years.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of ‘Yo Gabba Gabba.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn’t end, we are so screwed.” –Jay Leno

Police have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This guy was going around Los Angeles setting dozens of cars on fire. And he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: without a Lakers championship. –Jay Leno

The car owners whose cars were burned were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. They were thrilled. –Jay Leno

It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother’s immigration status. Apparently his mom didn’t know you could just walk over from Mexico. –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here’s the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain. –Jay Leno

I have a New Year’s resolution. This is absolutely the last year I buy another one of those stupid Mayan calendars, okay? –Jay Leno

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When’s the last time you even ran into a Mayan? –Jay Leno

Experts say traffic deaths are down because the bad economy means more cars are being repossessed, and all the unemployment means we don’t have as many people driving to work. So you know what that means? The White House economic plan is also their highway safety plan. –Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months. –Conan O’Brien

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, “I mean what I say.” Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye. –Conan O’Brien

There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore. –David Letterman

So now that Michele O’Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo. –David Letterman

How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney. –David Letterman

Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he’s staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he’d make a good president after all. –Craig Ferguson

They say the day people go back to work after the holidays was the most depressing day of the year. Funny thing. People who don’t have jobs are depressed because they don’t have one and those of us who do are depressed that we do. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to new poll done by “60 minutes,” 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney’s real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That’s true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he’s got my vote. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dakota Fanning is on the cover of the new Cosmo. She’s only 17. To be on the cover of Cosmo, shouldn’t you be old enough to drink one? –Jimmy Kimmel

France apparently passed a new law that makes it harder to become a French citizen. Most people just get lazy and give up. At which point they’re named a French citizen. –Jimmy Fallon

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. –Jimmy Fallon

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that’s cool, this morning the “Angry Birds” app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator. –Jimmy Fallon

The History Channel is planning a new 12-hour miniseries about the evolution of humans. And this is convenient. If you missed the episode on Neanderthals, you can just watch the season premiere of “Jersey Shore” this Thursday at 10:00 p.m. –Jimmy Fallon

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Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

North Korean leader Kim Jong II passed away last week at 69.  In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you send instructions on how to make nuclear weapons.

It is unclear how Kim Jong II died but there are many theories.  The most likely theory is that he died of an overdose of sunglasses.

News was leaked to the LA Times and the NY Times that the Tiger Woods’ divorce settlement netted his wife almost $100 million.  The source of the leak was believed to be Kobe Bryant’s wife.

According to a survey “whatever” was the most annoying word of 2011.  I can think of many words way more annoying than that, such as Congress, Obamacare, etc.  You get the idea.

Scientists are warning that the world supply of frankincense could be cut in half over the next 15 years.  Presumably, this is because they are expecting an increase in Wise Men.  Women are doubting this theory.

According to a new survey, 85% of grandparents are in favor of legalizing marijuana.  That is not surprising at all since many of the people that are now grandparents were pot head back in the 60s and 70s.

According to a new study, Christmas is the best time to tell loved ones that they are overweight.  The theory here is that they will probably already be fighting anyway at the family get-together.

A Congressman from Wisconsin apparently thought he’d put that theory to the test and said that Michelle Obama had a big butt.  It did not go over well.  The flaw in his thinking is that she is a Democrat and he is a Republican, so they are not loved ones.

Yet another study says that joggers who drink coffee before they jog can run a lot faster, especially if they got the coffee at Starbucks because then their pockets were a lot lighter.

Ex-Congressman, Anthony Weiner, who resigned after sexually explicit photographs and emails of himself were revealed, had a baby son with his wife last week.  He posted picture of him on Facebook with the title, “My little Weiner.”

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