darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week (mostly about Obama):

President Obama said he was very upset about the IRS scandal of targeting conservative groups for audits.  He said, “While under my watch they will never be caught again.”

A Tampa taco restaurant has pulled lion meat tacos from the menu because of protests from animal rights groups.  They insisted it’s not a big deal since they used horse meat for the tacos anyway.

Joe Biden has said he spends 4-5 hours a day with the President.  Obama responded to the press saying, “And you guys wonder why I’m having problems.”

With all the scandals Obama’s being compared to Nixon.  Accordingly, he has altered his catch phrase of Hope and Change to “I hope they don’t change and start calling me a crook.”

There are actually three scandals going on with the Obama administration.  Luckily, due to the sequester they can’t afford any more.

The good news out of Washington is that Obama is finally creating jobs.  With all the scandals the government has to hire more investigators.

Obama does have a justifiable reason for all the scandals – “It’s Bush’s fault.”

When being questioned about the IRS scandal and the AP wiretapping, Obama’s response was, “So, how about that Benghazi scandal while Hillary was Secretary of State?”

According to a new poll, 40% of Americans think the Obama administration lied about Benghazi.  The other 60 % said, “I’m sorry, what is a Benghazi?”

Benghazi, the IRS scandal and the AP wiretapping.  Luckily we’ll have Obamacare to take our minds off of all the bad stuff.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Congress has started the hearings on the attack on Benghazi, so finally Hillary will get to find out “what difference it makes”…especially to her running for President in 2016.

A British woman says she was able to grow her breasts three cup sizes through hypnosis.  At least she thinks they grew three sizes every time the hypnotist snapped his fingers.  When he snaps his fingers twice she thought all men grow horns and six foot penises.

Rob Kardashian is being sued by a female photographer who claims he assaulted her and took her camera.  It’s the first time on record that a Kardashian didn’t want their picture taken.

Hooters had a Mother’s Day give away of free chicken wings to mothers.  Taking your mother to Hooters on Mother’s Day is the perfect way for an adult woman to tell her mother that she is a lesbian.

More sons would take their mothers to Hooters on Mother’s Day but they are afraid their mothers will tell them, “Don’t play with those, you can take an eye out.”

Many adult children didn’t have to go visit their mothers on Mother’s Day because, due to the economy, many of them already lived with their mothers.

President Obama kicked off his “Middle Class Job and Opportunity Tour.”  It’s actually not so much a tour as a hope that he can find someone who will tell him how to create middle class jobs and opportunities.

The White House is taking a lot of heat over how slow they’ve been to respond to scandal of the IRS auditing of conservative groups.  They said they were going to ask Nancy Pelosi to respond for them but her lips were not mobile enough to talk that day.

A new poll found that 54% of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber.  Just another 10% and he’ll be qualified to run for President.

President Obama delivered a speech on how the Affordable Health Care Act will affect American families.  Appropriately, he was wearing a Darth Vader costume when he gave the speech.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The employment report came out last week.  It seems the only shovel ready jobs that President Obama has created are the ones where somebody has to shovel the BS that he tells about jobs.

Sonic has new Peanut Butter Bacon Milkshake.  It has 1720 calories with 118 grams of fat and 128 grams of sugar.  Its marketing slogan will likely be “To die for,” and if you drink this you probably will.

Obama was quoted as saying, “We need Mexico.”  And he’s right.  Without the illegal alien vote he never would have won the last election.

Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has become the first American athlete in a major team-sport to come out as gay.  He has said there is no reason being gay should effect his playing the game of basketball, although it can, at times, interfere with his love of show tunes and his joy of shoe shopping.

The Kentucky Derby was last week.  In recent years the stakes on this race have become much higher for the horses.  Now, for the horses that don’t win, they are shipped to fast food joints.

In upstate New York, a 22-year-old, male Wal-Mart employee was arrested for allegedly engaging in prostitution in the store’s men’s room.  Of course, since he was working at Wal-Mart he was forced to really lower his prices.

Lindsay Lohan left the Morningside Recovery rehab facility, in Orange County, two minutes after walking through the doors.  She was disappointed because they didn’t have any happy hour.

President Obama said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it.  His staff has assured him not to worry about it, though, since it was just a campaign promise.

Chicago’s homicide total in April was its lowest since 1962.  The theory is that young people grew up leaning to shoot with computer games and they don’t know how to shoot real guns.

For the first time since 2007, the U.S. Treasury is planning to pay down the national debt.  But don’t get excited, it’s only a plan, sort of like a campaign promise, they never really follows through.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

The five living ex-presidents all attended the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library, although the jury is still out on if Jimmy Carter is actually alive.

Not surprisingly, many of the books in the library are picture books and coloring books.

According to two new studies, Los Angeles has the worst smog and the worst traffic in the U.S.  Even though we don’t get snow in LA, on the bright side, we do get to throw smog balls at each other and build smogmen.  Instead of a carrot for a nose we use a broken exhaust pipe.

NBC has pulled the reality-dating show, Ready for Love, after three episodes.  It turns out they weren’t ready for love, only for sex, and now they are screwed.

There’s a new men’s cologne that smells like whiskey.  The same company makes a whiskey that tastes very sweet.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has returned to Twitter, but he was only allowed to do so on the condition that he wouldn’t use any body parts as a name label.

Because of the sequester, the FAA has been forced to lay off the cocktail waitresses that served drinks to the air traffic controllers.

Mike Tyson revealed his ex-girlfriend cooked and ate his pet pigeon right in front of him.  But luckily Tyson still has the brains of a bird….not the bird, but of a bird.

Jason Collins is the first athlete in a major U.S. sport to announce he’s gay. He’s a free-agent now, but his last team was the Washington Wizards.  He said now that he free of that chain he feels so much better…the chain being a player for the Wizards….coming out of the closet was good too.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Obama unveiled his 2014 budget.  Before it is passed there will be a lot of give and take.  Mostly taking from the taxpayers and giving to the government.

According to a new survey, 48% of male dog owners said they rely more on their computers than on their dogs, to which the dogs replied, “Yeah, well can your computer do this for you?” as the dogs sniffed their owners butts.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  The mayor is so desperate he has even been responding to e-mails from Nigerian royalty.

Target has officially apologized for calling the color of a plus sized dress on their website, “Manatee gray.”  They said they understand now that some manatee’s are actually brown.

Last week Dick Cheney used politically technical terms to describe our situation with North Korea as, “We are deep doo-doo.”  I hate it when leaders use terms we laymen can’t understand.

Obama’s new budget has $8 billion for job training programs.  The $8 billion dollars will create many jobs for government trainers, who will then be laid off and collect unemployment because there are no actual jobs to train people for.

Lindsay Lohan will be moving into the Seafield Center on Long Island for 90 days of drug rehab.  Her father, Michael, was treated there in the late 80’s so we can expect this rehab to be equally as effective as her previous rehabs.

Carnival is now offering Caribbean cruises for as little as $38 per night.  Running water, working toilets and barf bags are all extra.

An 18 year old girl from the UK has only eaten packaged noodle soups for the last 13 years.  She realizes this has not been the healthiest diet so she is going to upgrade it by starting to eat at McDonald’s.

The Iranian government is claiming their scientists have developed a time machine. I thought the Iranian government was already back in the 19^th century.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Last week the White House had its 35^th annual Easter Egg Roll and the theme was “be healthy, be happy, be you,” and all the fat kids were like, “how can I be me if I’m happy and healthy?”  And then they added, “Just give me a soda, a pizza, a video game and leave me alone.”

President Obama proposed spending $100 million to map the human brain in hopes of unlocking some of its mysteries, for example, why the federal government spends so much money on useless crap like this study.

The other day on the White House basketball court President Obama made 2 of 22 shots.  Not only that, but his golf game is struggling, causing him a lot of stress.  Luckily, he doesn’t have to worry about those pesky problems like a bad economy.

Pope Francis is going to review the scandal ridden Vatican Bank as one of his first actions.  It’s surprising actually, who even knew there were altar boys working with the priests at the bank.

Scientists now say that frogs can predict earthquakes, so now if you see a frog on the weather channel telling you about a coming earthquake we can thank the scientists.

According to a new poll, 13% of Americans think President Obama is the antichrist, while Obama himself, considers he is Christ.

Kim Jung-Un of North Korea has threatened to attack America.  But then, he has also recently threatened to get a normal haircut but he hasn’t done that either.

The city of Stockton, California has declared bankruptcy.  Their economy was so messed up they even asked Greece for a loan.

According to a new poll, 52% of Americans support legalizing marijuana.  Many of the others were too high to give an opinion.

According to the National Enquirer, Cher is falling apart.  Luckily, she’s no stranger to plastic surgery so she can be put back together again.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Pope Francis is one of the few in the Catholic hierarchy that says the use of condoms is acceptable in certain cases…like with altar boys, for example.

There’s a growing trend of seniors who smoke pot in their retirement.  And for some of them they had to retire because they smoked too much pot.

A school in Britain has banned triangular pancakes so students won’t poke out their eyes with the pointy ends.  Apparently, they had already banned other things with pointy ends such as pens, pencils, paper and books, which is why the kids were so stupid that they would try to poke their eyes out with pancakes.

Iconic singer, Dionne Warwick, filed for bankruptcy claiming she has only$25,000 in assets but owes over $10 million in back taxes.  With those qualifications she could have a great career in politics.

Justin Bieber has had his monkey confiscated for disease considerations.  Obviously, he won’t be stroking it until he knows it’s clean.  (A rush of jokes from the monkey/penis genre just ran through my head but it was just too many to write them down.)

Yesterday was April Fool’s Day, which is a national holiday for members of Congress.

Lifetime has cancelled America’s Most Wanted, unfortunately, it was no longer wanted.

There are a growing number of dating sites for people with STDs.  The most popular one is KeepThatThingAwayFromMe.com.  The next most popular is ImSoHornyIDontCare.com.

Paleontologists in Germany say a 30 foot long dinosaur called an “ankylosaurus” had a six foot long penis, making him very popular in the dinosaur porn genre.

In Atlanta, 35 teachers were indicted for changing student’s answers on tests to improve their scores.  The good news is they only did it for students they were having sex with.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Justin Bieber is supposedly planning to grow a mustache.  My ass has a better chance of growing a mustache…actually, now that I think about it, if I shave it properly, my ass probably could grow a mustache.

There is a big controversy about the History Channel’s, The Bible, because the actor portraying Satan closely resembles President Obama.  That makes sense since Obama is driving our economy straight to Hell.

The Bible is so popular that many networks are trying to copy the success with new Biblically themed shows.  There’s one coming out called Keeping up with the Twelve Disciples.  There’s another one coming out called Real Housewives of Mesopotamia.

A  few days ago both President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were out of the country at the same time for over an hour, or as the general populace calls it, ”Happy Hour.”

A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee.  The only problem is it’s hard to keep it from speeding right after you fill it up.

According to a new study, the average member of Congress can only speak at a 10^th grade level.  While speaking intellectually is not their thing, they are able to spend more money on useless crap than any 1,000 women combined who are drunk on a limitless budget at the mall.

In Florida, they are trying to legalize medical marijuana.  With their older population whose memories are going bad anyway, if you add pot to the equation nobody in the state is ever going to find another set of keys.

According to a study, in some ways dogs and cats can see better than humans.  In a related survey of young males, as long as they can see porn they’ll never be jealous of an animal’s eyesight.

A law student at the University of New Mexico School of Law fell out of her chair in class and is suing the school.  She will graduate early and with honors.

A parting thought, not based on the news, do male cats refer to female cats vagina’s as humans?

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the past week:

Scientist now say they have trained rats to communicate to other rats telepathically.  This was necessary because no rats were able to afford cell phone contracts.

Judge Judy is being sued by someone she allegedly paid $50,000 for fine China worth $500,000.  Now she’s really going to be grumpy in court.

A Michigan 6^th grader brought $20K in cash to school in her backpack and was handing it out to other students.  It turns out she was planning to run for class president and got the idea from Obama.

A record number of Americans are on food stamps.  Many of these same people will be using their food stamps to celebrate the overturning of the ban on large sugary drinks in New York City by buying large sugary drinks.

A Cardinal from Argentina was chosen as the new Pope.  He’s a bald guy and he was really hoping to be picked as the Pope because, with the Pope hat and all, he’ll save a lot of money on toupees.

The new Pope gets to choose his own name.  His top three name choices were Hy, Irving and Ira but the other Cardinals were able to talk him out of it and they compromised by settling on Francis.

The Catholic Church says the Pope is infallible.  Upon learning of that Obama said, “I guess that makes me Pope of the United States.”

The TSA announced that it will soon be allowing pocket knives on planes.  They figure not looking for pocket knives will give them more time to grope flyers.

A new study has found that male brains are larger than female brains, but that was only after adding the size of their penis brains to the size of the brain in their heads (and some guys still came up short.)

In Greece the economy is in shambles and their solution is to tax savings that are already in the bank, or as Obama calls it, “A great idea!”

The Catholic Church hasn’t had much success in getting young people to give up things for Lent.  So now they are cutting back and just trying to get them to give up spring break.

darnfunnyonline.com

Here are some funny observations after keeping an eye on current events over the last week:

Scientists say they found a chemical protein that makes women talk more than men.  They are still looking for the chemical protein that causes men not to listen.

In Meadville, PA, at Allegheny College, they recently brought in two sex experts to teach masturbation to the students.  College students that don’t know how to masturbate???  I think this is one of those instances where the students become the teachers.

Obama keeps talking about the dire consequences of sequester budget cuts, for example, he may have to cut down to only playing 18 holes of golf on some days.

To Obama’s thinking sequestration is like castration because that’s what cutting the budget in anyway feels like to him.

In New Jersey a man was arrested after police found 100 bags of heroin in his anus.  That’s how fat Americans are getting that they can put 100 bags of anything in their asses.

The sequester budget cuts were the reason the Pope retired.  He was offered an early retirement buyout (as opposed to dying on the job) and a gold plated Pope hat and he couldn’t resist that.

Obama said last week that after four years as president you realize all the mistakes you’ve made.  The main lesson he learned was to stick to golf, you can get a fat lip playing basketball.

A report in the New Zealand Medical Journal says it is healthier for you to pass gas on a flight than to try and hold it in.  The study also reported it’s less embarrassing if you blame the incident on the person   sitting next to you by looking at them disgustingly and yelling, “Did you just fart?”

Recently, Montana made it legal for people to take road kill for food.  In a related story, Taco Bell announced that the state of Montana has become its main supplier of meat.

The activities of the Pope on his first day of retirement included shopping for some clothing that don’t resemble an expensive bathrobe, scheduling a vacation to Disneyland and  finding a couple of nice Catholic hookers to spend the night with so he could hear their confessions.

According to a survey the most popular dating site for seniors is OurTime.com.  The least popular site is PastOurPrime.com.

darnfunnyonline.com