A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Tina Fey

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Tina Fey

I’d like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.
Dawn French

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.
Stephen Fry

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Everybody wants to eat at the government’s table, but nobody wants to do the dishes.
Werner Finck

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.
Kevin Nealon

I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn’t nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.
Randy Newman

If we’d had another carefree 70’s, I’d have been dead. It was a little too carefree, you know? I don’t know how carefree they were for me, I think I was worried then, I can’t remember what about.
Randy Newman

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• There’s no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out. ~ Sam Kinison

• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ~ George Carlin

• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin

• If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. ~ Sam Kinison

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I figure that’s why my boyfriend moved. ~ Christy Murphy

• Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. ~ Cher

• I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~Woody Allen

• Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. ~H. L. Mencken

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? ~ Bette Midler

• You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. ~ Lily Tomlin

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx

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