Quotes by Spike Milligan

“Money couldn’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.”

“In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.”

“It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.”

“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”

“My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.”

“I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it .”

Quotes by Denis Leary

“I would never do crack… I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?”

“We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!”

“Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?”

“Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.”

“There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn’t get laid!”

“I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.”

Quotes by Tommy Cooper

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’”

“It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”

“So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.’”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’”

“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’
And I Said ‘I careered off the road.’”

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A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Tina Fey

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show here ankles to to get that job?
Tina Fey

I’d like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine.
Dawn French

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.
Stephen Fry

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Everybody wants to eat at the government’s table, but nobody wants to do the dishes.
Werner Finck

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled.
Kevin Nealon

I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn’t nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear.
Randy Newman

If we’d had another carefree 70’s, I’d have been dead. It was a little too carefree, you know? I don’t know how carefree they were for me, I think I was worried then, I can’t remember what about.
Randy Newman

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• There’s no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out. ~ Sam Kinison

• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. ~ George Carlin

• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin

• If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows. ~ Sam Kinison

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I figure that’s why my boyfriend moved. ~ Christy Murphy

• Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. ~ Adrienne Gusoff

• The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. ~ Cher

• I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. ~Woody Allen

• Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. ~H. L. Mencken

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? ~ Bette Midler

• You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. ~ Lily Tomlin

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx

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