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Here are some funny quotes about Christmas and the holiday season, in general:

Christmas makes me happy no matter what time of year it comes around. -Bryan White

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -George Carlin

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. -Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. –Gary Allan

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. –Ellen DeGeneres

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. –Jerry Seinfeld

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. –Bernard Manning

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time. –Doug Coupland

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. –Robert Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. –Phyllis Diller

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. –Bob Hope

Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. –Jay Leno

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there’s the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. –Marcelene Cox

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. –Henny Youngman

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. –Garrison Keillor

I love giving gifts and I love receiving them. I really like giving little kids extravagant gifts. You see their little faces light up and they get excited. If it’s a really good gift, I love receiving it, like jewels, small islands. –Gina Gershon

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. -Erma Bombeck

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Here are some funny Christmas quotes from a variety of comedians and others:

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
Dave Barry

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”
Dave Barry

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.”

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
Dick Gregory

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Johnny Carson.

“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… ”
Berke Breathed ”

“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
Jay Leno.

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple

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Here are some funny Christmas quotes and jokes from various comedians through the years:

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable. –Jay Leno

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, “So does the guy I stole it from.” ~ David Letterman

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” ~ Bernard Manning

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” ~ Joan Rivers

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.’ What denomination?’ asked the clerk. ‘Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?’ said Maria, ‘Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.

“Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren’t for Christmas, We’d all be Jewish.” ~ Benny Hill

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” ~ W.C. Fields

“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.” ~ P.J. O’Rourke, Modern Manners

“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ~ Dennis Miller

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‘Tis the season to be jolly, so here are some more funny Christmas quotes.

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
Dave Barry

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”
Dave Barry

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
Joan Rivers.

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
Dick Gregory

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning.

“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… “
Berke Breathed “

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