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You would think since it is only a week from the election that I would be writing about that but I am so sick of hearing the Obama rhetoric from the Democratic candidates that I couldn’t write a whole article about politics.  It is pretty evident the change Obama has promised ain’t gonna happen, in fact, I’m pretty sure at this point he can’t even change his underwear, unlike Bill Clinton, who likely changed his frequently, if he ever bothered to wear them at all.

Anyway, instead of politics let’s talk about something way, way more exciting, punctuation!  Now I have your interest!!  And to do that darnfunnyonline (DFOL) is going to interview the “Princess of Punctuation” (POP).  She is all things to commas, periods (not the kind that woman are relieved to have when they are not trying to get pregnant) and all that is grammatical.

DFOL:  Hello, Princess.  It’s very, nice to have you here.

POP:  I hope you know you added an unnecessary comma to that sentence, not to mention the infinity of errors you made in the first two paragraphs.  For example, “ain’t” and “gonna” ain’t actually words…ha-ha…little grammatical humor there.

DFOL:  Yes, well…

POP:  Why don’t we just make up a new language, and, punctuate, like, this,?

DFOL:  Now you’re just being sarcastic.

POP:  DUH!

DFOL:  I hope you know that’s not a real word.

POP:  OH shut up!  Let’s talk some grammar here.  Have you ever diagrammed a sentence?

DFOL:  Uh…not sure what you mean.  I’m guessing you are not talking about drawing pictures around a sentence, are you?

POP:  Oh my god!  You did go to school didn’t you?  (Oh, come on, man.  You just forgot a comma after “school” in my dialog.)

DFOL:  Sorry…

POP:  I bet you are one of those guys that doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

DFOL:  Not sure what your getting at.

POP:  (Screaming) AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

DFOL:  Since you are here, maybe you could clear up the difference between “lose” and “loose”

POP:  Sure, I’ll put it in words that will have true meaning to you.  “Loose” is what I suspect the women are like that would hang out with a guy like you and “lose” is what you’ve done with your mind.

DFOL:  Um… thanks for clearing that up.

POP:  Would you like me to go over the difference between “loser” and “looser”?

DFOL:  Nah, that’s okay…Can we maybe cover the difference between the words they’re, there and their?

POP:  Sure, if you are such a moron that you don’t already know we can do that?

DFOL:  On second thought it’s not necessary…are we going to talk about, I don’t know, maybe conjugating verbs, or dangling participles or subjects and predicates?

POP:  …You have no idea what any of those are, do you?

DFOL:  Not a clue.

POP:  Then no.

DFOL:  Okay then.  I guess that’s the end of this interview.

If you see someone riding off into the sunset on their high horse that will be the Princess of Punctuation.

“I heard that.  I’m still in the building,” said the Princess.

Whatever… Even though she wasn’t the most cooperative person  I think we learned a few things today.  I know I did.  When you are writing it’s important to not get too intense and stay lose or your likely to be looked on as a looser.  And that, ain’t, gonna, help, anybody, so their you go.

darnfunnyonline.com

I recently had the opportunity to go clothes shopping with a woman.  When I say I had the opportunity I mean I was forced at gunpoint.

Being somewhat of a fashion expert myself, whose range of fashion extends all the way from sitting in front of my computer in my underwear to going out to pick up the newspaper in my bathrobe, I can say it was quite an experience.

As an aside, why is it that fashion models, both male and women, look like they are always pissed?  Is it because they are saying to themselves, “This stupid outfit is riding up my crotch but I can’t stop and adjust it, those baseball players who are always tugging at their crotches are so lucky, so I’m going to at least let everyone know that I’m not happy about it.”  I guess if they had a smile on their faces there would be the danger that the audience would think the model was just laughing at how stupid the outfit they were wearing looked.  I’m glad I worked that out.  Whoever said fashion was tough?

Back to my shopping experience, my duties were varied from carrying the bags to…actually, that was it.  If I was asked an opinion it was only to verify choosing the opposite of what I said (that and to awaken me from my stupor.)

I am told that women like to replenish their wardrobe every 6 months or so (varies based on the degree of craziness).  My own closet still has clothing from 20 or more years ago.  Yeah, you women are laughing at me right now when I’m wearing my leisure suit, but won’t you be sorry when time travel is invented and you’ll have nothing to wear.

There is apparently, a new fashion season for each season of the year.  The title of this article is actually a misnomer but it is convenient for me because I can I can just recycle this article for the winter fashion season, etc., etc.  (My genius knows no bounds along with my unlimited work ethic.)

You’d think women would recycle what they wore in the last season but that ain’t gonna happen because it would violate the fashion sense of most women, which is “buy anything new.”

Also , I would like to know what would make a pair of shoes worth $500 or a purse worth $1,000.  My only guess is that they find those rare cows that leave cow ploppers in the pasture that are lined in gold and they use their skins to make the shoes and purses.  That, or women are suckers, not sure which.  Naturally, anybody reading my articles would not fall into the sucker category.  You would merely be making wise investment choices with your shoe and purse purchases!  Bravo to you!

Supposedly, it is fashion magazines who decide what is in style for any particular season.  The two most important prerequisites for “fashionable” are expensive and, as covered above, new.  Lesser requirements are that the new styles have to fit on the body of scarecrows  (which is why the weight loss industry and fashion industry are so closely related) and it has to be something slightly more weird than last season.

Once again, we re-discover that men are so much simpler than women.  For myself, I just need a new set of socks and underwear at Christmas time and I am set for the year.

darnfunnyonline.com

The November election is almost here and I can’t wait.  Not because I’m so excited to vote, I just want it to be over so that there aren’t political commercials coming on during a football game when there should be beer commercials.

Budweiser makes really good commercials and even though I don’t drink beer, it’s way more fun seeing the Clydesdale horses or semi-naked women than it is hearing politicians saying negative stuff about their opponents.

I’m reading more and more stories about incumbents who won’t make themselves available to the reporters because they are afraid they’ll say something stupid and blow the election.  Elections are becoming more and more something to not lose rather than something to win.  I can just picture the majority of the incumbents laying in a corner of their office in the fetal position with their hands over their ears and yelling, “Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa,” hoping election day passes and their assistants will get them to shut up for a minute and tell them they won. They won’t be telling them that but they can at least hope.

Harry Reid is known for making malapropisms.  It’s like he is the Norm Crosby of politicians except that he isn’t being funny he is just being stupid.  And this is the guy running the Senate.

Then there is the other kind of politician, who is really only good at one thing, which is getting elected, Barack Obama, for example.  Man, can that guy talk and if you give him a teleprompter he can talk longer than Al Gore can be boring…well, maybe not.

Bill Clinton was another one in that category but I have to admit he was good at more than one thing.  Actually, I can’t attest that he was good at it but he was sure good at finding women to do it with him.

Now that I think of it there are a lot of politicians who are good at many things, unfortunately, most of them are either illegal or immoral or both.

Not that politicians were ever a higher class of citizen but these guys in Congress would make Honest Abe Lincoln turn over in his grave.  Oh, guess what?  He did turn over and he woke up enough to be interviewed by darnfunnyonline (DFOL) for this article:

DFOL: Hi, Abe.

Abe:  Don’t say hi, It makes me think of the drugged state most of these yahoo politicians are must be in these days.

DFOL:  I understand.  What do you think the biggest problem is in politics today?

Abe:  That’s like asking why Bill Clinton would be unfaithful to Hillary, there are just so many reason.

DFOL:  Have you heard Donald Trump is going to run for President.  For myself I’m excited from a comedy standpoint, but then again there are only so many hair jokes you can come up with.

Abe:  It’ll be a good thing if he does get elected.  Maybe he can fire some of the bums in their now.

DFOL:  What do you think of Obama’s economic policies?

Abe:  I don’t think you can call them policies.  I think he could do better if he just looked for loose change under the sofa cushions.

DFOL:  What would you do if you were President now?

Abe:  Well, I’m thinking I’d like to pick out the worst of the guys in Congress and invite them to see a play with me at Ford’s Theater in Washington.

DFOL:  That might be a little extreme.  What else you got?

Abe:  I think I’d get everybody off to a fresh start and lighten the mood by throwing a nice tea party.

DFOL:  That sounds like a plan…

darnfunnyonline.com

[This week's humor article is two-fold.  First there is mine and then a response to it from my girlfriend, Su Falcon (it's true, she is actually willing to put up with me).  So make sure you read through to the end.]

When a woman asks her spouse a question about something she considers to be a serious subject the man’s typical response is…”What?”  This is usually accompanied by a baffled look.

An example of this would be when she asks him, “Were you looking at that woman’s breasts?”  His response would be something like, “What…Noooo, why do you always think I look at every woman’s breast?”  If he is using his imagination he will go on the offensive and say, “It’s actually insulting when you ask me that all the time.  I’m looking at lots of people.  Just because I happen to notice something about a woman does not mean I’m looking at her breasts.”

He is, of course, lying.  But, in his defense it’s not a total lie because he really is only looking at the women with big breasts.  Also, some men are more partial to a woman’s legs or ass, so it’s not always their breasts.  We’re not that one dimensional and shallow.

Before I go further, this is not all men that I’m talking about here, but the typical man.  For example, I don’t do anything like that and I want to make that especially clear to my girlfriend who will be reading this and actually writing a rebuttal to it.

Very often, though, we men just really do not have any idea what the woman is talking about. For instance, when a woman asks the man, “When we got together, why did you want to be with me?”  This is a very loaded question and the answer can be wrong, and probably will be wrong, no matter how much thought we put into it.  And by putting thought into it I’m referring to answering while engrossed in sports on TV and simultaneously throwing snacks down our throats.

Here is the perfect example of where lying, or shall I say stretching the truth, could be a very pro-survival thing.  If you told her she just happened to be the next woman you saw after you broke up with your last girlfriend the results could be fatal.

Another one is her asking, “How about if we spend some time tonight, just you and I, talking about our relationship?”  The man answers, “What…Why?” (See reference to baffled look in the first paragraph.)

There are an infinite variation to these type of questions, which leads me to the real point of this article.  Women are always trying to get men to think!  We just don’t like to do that very much.  It doesn’t come natural to us.  When one man asks another man to do something that, to a woman would appear to be a notoriously stupid act, we don’t think about it, we just do it.  We are the hunters, the survivors, the doers!  Oh sure, we regret it later but at least we didn’t waste time thinking about it in the first place.

In summary, we’ve all heard the saying, women, ya gotta love ‘em.  Well that’s actually true.  Unless you are gay, women are all there is.  There is no third sex.  So it’s actually a literal statement!

I believe I’ve clearly established the superiority of the male intellect here.  Yet my girlfriend,  Su, has insisted after reading some of my past articles (she used the word claptrap, I believe) on the differences between the male and female of the species, that she would like to write a rebuttal.  What the heck, I’ve already noted that “ya gotta love ‘em.  So over to you, Su.  (OMG, I wasn’t even trying to rhyme there, so add natural poet to the man’s list of skills!)

Rebuttal by Su Falcon

First off, I would never use a word like “claptrap.” Nonsense, rubbish, even drivel, but never claptrap. I hate when men put words in my mouth. (Must have been that woman with big breasts who said “claptrap.” Wishful thinking on Steve’s part.)

(Steve’s side note: “What?”…followed by the baffled look.)

Second, I would never say, “Let’s spend some time together tonight talking about our relationship.” I am all about diving in without warning. Preemptive strike.

Otherwise, I agree with Steve. Men don’t think. Most females over the age of five know this. Men make no effort to disguise this. And frankly, if you meet a man who does connive to the degree that a woman does, run for the hills, he’s probably a politician.

No, it’s a man’s simplicity that I find appealing. After a hard day of solving the world’s dilemmas over coffee with your girlfriends, it’s utterly refreshing. For example, I came up with a scheme for establishing peace in the Middle East—a simple three-step plan: 1. Teach all women to read, 2. Give them all Facebook pages, 3. Give them guns. Things would calm down pretty quickly—one way or another. Men just don’t get politics. But they’re very good at taking out the trash… uh, Steve?

(Another side note by Steve:  I’ll say it again, women, ya gotta love ‘em.)

darnfunnyonline.com

I love the fall season.  It means the weather is getting cooler, the holidays, which I really enjoy, are getting close and best of all is that there is just over a month until those ridiculously idiotic  political commercials will come to an end.

Since I live in Nevada I have to hear Harry Reid, in his whiny voice (yes, his voice sounds just like you’d expect) say that he “approves of this message.”  Not too many Nevadans, or any other Americans, would say approve and Harry Reid in the same sentence.

I don’t know who would believe a political commercial anyway.  One of the qualifications of being a politician is to be a chronic liar.  Just ask the wives of John Edwards or Al Gore if that is true.  And they were both near the top of pile of dung called politicians.  I guess you could compare politics to a game of golf, the more you score the worse off you are and those two evidently scored a lot.  It just so hard to imagine from Gore though, at least John Edwards had the hair, all Al Gore had was a big bucket of boring.  And don’t even get me going about Bill Clinton.

I told you not to get me going….here I go.  One good thing you can say about Clinton though, he didn’t have a prejudice bone (and the pun is definitely intended) in his body.  He would fraternize (wink, wink) with any women regardless of body type, race or creed.  Jeez, he apparently even slept with Hillary.  I wonder if her pajamas are interchangeable with her pants suits or if she just wears her pajamas over top of the pants suit so she can make a quick getaway in the morning on the nights Bill sleeps in the house.

Being an equal opportunity humor writer I’ll also take this opportunity to jump on Bush (although that strangely sounds like something Clinton, Gore or Edwards would do, I don’t mean it like that.)  Since I was comparing golf and politics before I’ll do it again with him.  He had quite a handicap.  That being that he had killed the majority of his brain cells from drug and alcohol abuse in his youth and, of course, Dick Cheney, who likes to kill or torture everything.  How are you ever going to win a game when you have those two things going against you.  But Obama has to be thankful for Bush or who would he blame for everything.  Actually, if Obama wanted to blame someone and get sympathy (i.e. votes) for it he could plead insanity for all his stupidity due to the fact that he has lived in the same house with his mother-in-law.

Many people blame the Republicans for seeming to have the slogan “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.  But Obama has proven to be very unworthy of his Nobel Peace prize by escalating the war in Afganistan.  But that is just politics as usual.  They just do what is expedient at the moment, which means whatever they think will get them votes.

It may seem like I have taken a trip to the farm and I got locked in the bitter barn rather than taking a stroll down comedy lane but, unfortunately, politics does that to a lot of us.  In fact, it has led many Americans to say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”  And then with a smile on their faces and being very cordial they are welcoming everyone to their Tea Party.  Isn’t that nice?

darnfunnyonline.com

If you are a woman and you want to see a man instantly get a blank look on his face just ask him to discuss your relationship.  In fact, it just occurred to me that some women could use this as a ploy to not getting any protest just before she is about to go clothing shopping and spend a lot of money.

It would go like this.  She is already dressed and ready to walk out the door.  She sees her husband who is watching TV and engages the ploy.  “You know, honey, I would really like to talk about our relationship.  Can we do that now?”  He immediately goes into a trance, 90% real, 10% feigned in hopes that she will leave without another word.  She waits for a response she knows is not forthcoming.  “Not now?  Okay, maybe later.  I’m going to go shopping then.”  She walks out the door with a smile as she heads off to her guilt free shopping adventure.  After all, she did notify him.  He sits there still fixated in the trace for at least another ten minutes.  Not fair at all!

Eventually, these relationship discussions are inevitable though.  We can only avoid them for so long.  They usually go about like this: (We’ll skip the preliminary stuff and go right to the woman nagging, ‘er, I mean discussing.)

Woman:  I feel like you don’t pay enough attention to me, unless we’re having sex. (Author’s commentary here: truthfully, he may not have been paying that much attention then either.)  And when we’re at home together you are always watching sports or playing video games.

What the man actually heard during this conversation was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sex.”  When he heard sex he suddenly felt alive…until she continued talking.  Then, again, he heard her say, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sports or playing video games.”  Again he perked up.  Suddenly he is hit with  panic.  He doesn’t know what she said.  Does she want to have sex with him now?  If that’s the case he doesn’t want to blow the opportunity.  Or maybe she was telling him she enjoys it when he watches sports or plays video games, in which case let’s get busy watching or playing.  He’s hoping she didn’t say she wanted to watch or play the games with him, please, not that.

Suddenly she breaks the awkward silence that he was too self possessed to realize was occurring.

Woman:  (Angrily) Well, are you going to say anything at all?

Man:  Uh…did you say that..uh…that, uh, you wanted to have sex?

Then he finds himself waking up moments later rubbing his blackened eye.

Occasionally, when a man is just talking with his spouse and he doesn’t consider that they are talking about their relationship he might say something that she considers to be very sweet and loving.  He didn’t know any better and said it inadvertently.

Nevertheless, he will get a lot of credit for this, which means nothing more than the woman will tell all of her closest girlfriends about it.  Actually, she’ll constantly be telling them things that he did, good or bad.  It’s part of a code that women have.  They are compelled to talk about relationships to each other.  It’s like a pact they sign when they reach womanhood.  It’s also necessary because we men are too shallow to do it.

Some men might be tempted to secretly listen in on one of these women sessions sometime.  But the fact is that all they’d ever really hear anyway is, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then he wanted to have sex.”

darnfunnyonline.com

Recently, Roger Clemens, former Major League baseball player, was indicted for perjury as a result of allegedly lying to Congress about steroid usage.  The absurdity that anyone could get in trouble for lying to Congress, the King of the Liars, was enough impetus to write this article.  If you walk into Congress I would think the atmosphere of chronic liars alone would make someone be compelled to lie.  It would be like walking through the desert, you’d feel compelled to drink water…you walk into Congress, you feel compelled to lie.

I mean, come on, most of those guys were lawyers, so it’s their training to lie.  It’s just what they do.  And then they wanted to become politicians on top of being lawyers.  It’s like taking the scum that is on top of the scum in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the pond that has accumulated scum and that is what the politicians are comparable to.  Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing…providing you are already a very low form of disease causing bacteria.

If Roger Clemens could have a private conversation with some members of Congress this is what I would expect it to be like:

Roger:  Let’s just assume I was lying, which I wasn’t, you guys lie to each other and the public all the time.  Why is okay for you guys?

Congressman #1:  When you believe your lies it is a whole different game. It makes it okay.  If you are really good at something you should do it.  Painters paint, singers sing and liars lie.

Roger:  That’s not fair.

Congressman #1:  Fair?  What does that have to do with anything?  This is politics and government.

Harry Reid:  I noticed you often appeared angry and intense when you were pitching.  Was that the result of steroids?

Roger:  I didn’t take steroids, so I wouldn’t know.

Harry Reid:  Darn it.  I was hoping it was true.  Heck, I would take them too if it was, even a bad personality is better than none like I have.

Nancy Pelosi:  Do you think steroid usage could be an effective replacement for Botox?  Not that I would have any interest in that.

Roger:  Now you’re lying, aren’t you?

Nancy Pelosi:  I don’t know what you mean?  Telling you that I’m lying goes against my Hippocratic oath…oh wait, that is the oath that doctors don’t keep.  (She turns to a fellow congressperson)  What oath do we take?

Fellow congressperson:  The oath to lie, of course.

Nancy Pelosi:  Yes, that’s right. I remember now.  If I answered your question the way you wanted me to I would be breaking my oath…what was the question anyway?

Roger:  Never mind.  I know you use Botox.

Nancy Pelosi:  That’s not true.  The nerves in my face are just dead from me beating myself up all the time for lying to my constituents.  But if you tell anyone that I’ll deny it, as any good congressperson would.

Roger:  What about Charles Rangle?  I’m betting you guys knew he was lying for a long time yet you did nothing until someone else exposed it.

Congressman #1:  He’s one of us.  We were elected to do the job we do.

Roger:  What, lie?

Congressman#1:  I’d be lying if I said yes, so, no.

Roger:  What does that even mean?

Congressman#1:  Exactly.

darnfunnyonline.com

Whenever I deal with doctors I always have a hard time remembering if it is a Hippocratic oath or a hypocritical oath that they take when they become doctors.

For the record I don’t go to doctors myself as a general rule but I have had dealings with doctors via others recently.  But, I just love it when the doctor himself has to turn sideways to get his fat ass in the door and then he tells his patient that he or she needs to lose weight.  It’s like Dick Cheney telling someone they need to be nicer to people.  Doctors, apparently, have almost as much of a reputation for being heavy drinkers as airline pilots do.  I guess that’s why they insist on having you sign release forms all the time. (And one more quick joke I need to get out of my system) How do gynecologists live with themselves?  All day long they are looking at women between the legs and then they have to go home and look their wives in the eye. (Okay I feel better now… wait I have to resist talking about proctologists…okay I got past it… I wonder if the guy who came up with the UPS slogan, “What can Brown do for you?” was a proctologist.  All right, I was not fully able to get past that urge.)

Anyway, when you go into doctor’s offices they always have the air conditioning blasting away, the magazines are usually old and they either have a medical video playing or a soap opera on TV.  Then there are people coughing and hacking up phlegm and the others look like they should have a chalk line drawn around them and they should be waiting for the undertaker rather than the doctor.  Pretty much if you weren’t sick when you walked in you’ll be well on the way to it before you leave.

Then when the receptionist tells you, “the doctor will see you now,” you know she’s lying through her teeth because you’ll just go into another room and wait in there.  Sometimes you have to undress when you get there too, which could be fun depending on what’s going through your head at the time.  Anyway, if that gets too boring you can always go outside each waiting room and switch the patient’s files.  It can help pass the time and it will really piss off the doctor too.

I recall a conversation I had with a doctor years ago, after making it through all that stuff and finally being in his presence.  It went pretty much like this:

Doc:  Okay turn your head and cough.

Me:  Wait a minute, I came here to have a wart removed.

Doc:  Oh right, some idiot must have switched the charts on me again.

Me:  (withholding laughter.)

Doc:  Okay then, turn around and bend over.

Me:  No, no, the wart is on my finger!

(I think, in retrospect, he was having his own issues.)

Doc:  Oh yeah, then why did you get undressed?

Me:  (Embarrassed) I don’t know it just seemed like the thing to do in a doctor’s office.

Doc: (looking at me strangely)  Anyway, let me see your finger…I’ll prescribe some Prozac for you.

(Doctors are the ultimate drug pushers)

Me:  I’m not depressed about it.  I just want it removed.

Doc:  Oh yeah, that’s right, the Prozac was for me.  (Deep sigh) I wish I had been a proctologist.

I told you he had issues.

darnfunnyonline.com

Let’s be clear from the start, iPhones suck.  The irony of the whole thing is that they are many things to many people and they have certainly been called many names, I’ve had a few choice words for them for sure, but they most certainly cannot be called a phone.

To say that the iPhone sometimes drops calls would be like saying Osama bin Laden has a somewhat unfair attitude towards Americans, or that President Obama occasionally likes to spend other people’s money, or the John Edwards has sometimes flirted with other women.

I don’t even own an iPhone myself I’ve just tried to talk to a friend who has one.  But based on that experience I have a pretty good idea how it got its name.  The inventor of the phone at the parent company called his boss (while using his new invention) and said, ”I just came up with a great invention, I call it ‘I am a phone.’”  What the boss heard before the call was dropped altogether was, “(garble, garble)…great invention, I call it “I (garble) phone.”

The boss, being a typical executive from a huge multi-national corporation, gave the call its due attention after it was dropped and looked thoughtfully into space and said to himself, “Hmmm, he said it was great even though iphone is a stupid name…what the hell.  We need something new and I have a golf game to get to so…I know, I’ll capitalize the ‘p’ in phone so I can say I had something to do with it.”

And the iPhone was born.

If the iPhone could talk I’m sure it would sound very much like a foreigner just learning the English language (which is also how anyone feels when they are talking on an IPhone since you can only hear every other word.)  It would say, “Hello, I Phone.”  To that I would tilt my head and raise my eyebrows and say, “Seriously?”

Then it would frown and say, “Well at least I good texting apparatus and I video unit and I Internet source and I good storage unit and  I about 100 other things that nobody really understand but it nice to throw that number out.”

And I’d respond, “Yeah, I’ll give you those things, but you’re a piece of crap phone.”

And it would say, “Yeah, okay.”  Then it would walk away with its head hung a little bit but it would proudly sell itself to the next sucker with a couple hundred dollars and life would go on.

The CEO of the company that makes iPhones, who has the same first name as I do and whose last name is like the second word in the function that I’m guessing there is left to promote that the iPhone 5 will do, (Hint: the first word in the function is what the wind does …now go back and read that sentence again and you’ll get it) has said in response to complaints about dropped calls, “We’re not perfect.”  Well now I feel better about the whole thing because if they were perfect I guess they would have already included that function… Oh lighten up, I’m just kidding!

On that note I’ll sit back and wait for all the nasty calls I’ll probably be getting from fans of the iPhone.  But I’m not too worried because I probably won’t be able to understand the call and it will drop altogether very soon anyway.

darnfunnyonline.com

I had a great urge to write about useless crap again.  I made a recent post about useless crap to think about and while I was then thinking about useless crap when I was on a plane I came across a whole catalog of useless crap, a veritable useless crap book, one might call it, so that is the subject of today’s article.

The catalog folks apparently take pet owners for true suckers of the universe because there are a plethora of pet products in the catalog that truly do fall under the category of useless crap.  In fact, that name might even be a compliment for some of these products.

The first one is a ceramic pet water fountain.  Apparently just your regular water dish is no longer good enough for a dog or cat.  According to this catalog it is important to shell out $80 for this ceramic piece of… you guessed it – useless crap, that essentially attempts to take your pet away from his favorite watering hole, the toilet.  No dog worth his salt will drink out of a sissy water fountain if there is a toilet nearby.  And the funny thing is, or sad depending how you look at it, the toilet doesn’t even need to be flushed for the dog to enjoy it.  And cats are no different no matter how dignified and snobby they give you the impression they are.  If they can reach the water in the toilet they are drinking from it.

It is amazing what they can come up with for sales copy for this product.  “The falling stream of water attracts the pet with the sound of the trickling water, enticing them to drink even more water.” To me that sounds like a recipe for your dog to pee on your carpet.

Next, we have a plastic step stool for smaller dogs or puppies to be able to climb onto your couch, making it easy for your dog to chew up your pillows, scratch holes in the cushions and pee on the couch.  I thought pet owners were looking for ways to keep the pets off the couch.  This is comparable to making new suggestions to Congress on how they can piss off the public even more than they already do.

As we move on, a mere $200 will get you a motorized replica of R2-D2 from Star Wars fame.  As the sales copy states, “it’s sad sounds mimic the original right on down to its occasional bad mood.”  Just what you are looking when you come home from a day of work, especially when your wife and daughter are already simultaneously experiencing PMS.

Lastly, for today, we have video recording sunglasses.  Again, a paltry $200 gets you these sunglasses that allow you to discreetly video tape all that you see.  That is something that will come in handy if you are a spy, which naturally, many people traveling on planes are these days, or if you are walking on a nude beach where taping with a regular recorder may be frowned upon.  Otherwise, not so useful.

That only touches the surface of the useless crap found in the catalog I was looking at.  But if reading about any of these products makes you want to run out and buy a plane ticket to anywhere so you can get a catalog I want a commission.

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