darnfunnyonline.com

(My new humor book, “How to Romance a Woman and Other Crap Like That” is available on the darnfunnyonline.com web site for only $6.95.  It is an e-book. Download it now and start enjoying it right away!)

Recently, I had a reason to call tech support about an issue with a new computer component I had bought.  To say they did not provide support would be offering them the supreme compliment.  More accurately, though, they were the exact opposite of support.  If the support they gave me was like a jock strap, after I was done with them my testicles would have been hanging down to my knees.  For a woman if they were a bra, when they were done her breasts would be down at her waist. (You probably got the idea after the jock strap example; I just felt a need to mention breasts.)

I don’t think I’ll be calling any tech support people for a while unless I’m in the mood to destroy something and I feel I need some motivation to get the job done.

When I started out there were four other computers in the house that were working.  With the help of tech support at the end of a frustrating hour and a half phone call we managed to knock out those computers and my own, accidentally ordered 6 pizzas on line and nearly starting a new World War.  Maybe not that but I did want to declare war on that company for letting this guy work there.

I have to take some of the blame too because I should have caught on after the third time that this evil genius went to ask his manager what to do that this guy had a lot more evil to him than genius.  To be fair it may not have been as much evil as stupid.  Next time I’ll be leery when tech support needs to ask their tech support how to do something.

My next clue to hang up immediately without asking anymore questions was when I asked him what do I do with this brown thing and he said, “Oh, you mean the doohickey?”

I did learn something, besides not to call tech support anymore, and that was that tech support personnel do not know how to deal with customers when they have near death experiences.  While I was gasping for air all he could suggest was that I restart.  And he didn’t mean the computer.  He wanted me to restart by calling someone else and leave him alone.  I would have been happy to do that except I didn’t want to call another tech support guy and find out that I was on some kind of tech support candid camera.  I was already afraid I had made the list of most gullible customers that they all joke and laugh about while they sit around watching Star Trek repeats on their break.

When the other computer operators in my house found out what happened you could say I was not a popular person.  The story ended well though when we paid an actual computer expert to fix things up.  Afterward I heard my girlfriend say that she actually learned a lot from seeing how it got fixed.  So I said, “So you could say that what I did was actually a good thing then.”…And I was so close to being out of the doghouse.  Like tech support, I need to learn when to stop talking.

darnfunnyonline.com

Today I’m going to wax philosophic more so than funny, so you are forewarned.  A couple of days ago a very good friend’s girlfriend died in a car crash.  People say that death is part of life but to be more accurate it is the end of life, not so much a part of it.

Less than a year ago my wife passed away, far too prematurely.  The older one gets the more people around you die.  You would think you would start to get used to it but that certainly hasn’t happened to me.  To me it still sucks.

I do have full certainty that a person , spiritually, does move onto another life after he or she dies.  You get a brand new start on things.  So, ironically, death affects the living much more than the ones who die.  My friend’s girlfriend’s death will affect so many people as do most deaths.  She was my friend too, by the way.  Three girls lost a mother.  Parents lost a daughter.  Aunts and uncles lost a niece.   My friend lost a lover and friend, etc. etc. and the beat goes on.

The senseless recent shooting in Tucson, Arizona will affect many people with six deaths and many injuries.  I’ve heard rumors that the shooter was on psychiatric drugs as is the case in almost all this kind of shootings over the last many years.  Has anyone taken note that this kind of mass shooting almost never took place 30 or more years ago.  Sadly, with the increase of psychiatric drug use they are almost becoming commonplace.  I think it would be more fitting if the killer is going to shoot someone that they should at least make it just the psychiatrist who got them onto the drug in the first place.  That might be too just for this insane planet, but one can always hope.

The good news is it is very possible for those who have lost loved ones to move on and still be happy.  It happened in my case.  I am in a wonderful new relationship now, very much in love.  If you’ve read my posts in the past you’ve seen some that she and I have written together, and from the responses I’ve gotten those articles are very popular.  You will see more and I certainly look forward to that myself.  We have very good chemistry (Hubba, hubba, if you get my meaning.   What the heck, I had to let loose a little bit here.)  It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten my former wife or that I still don’t love her or miss her because it is very true that I do.  But to dwell on what one doesn’t have won’t bring that person back and it will only serve to bring those around you down too.

Life is made of many experiences, death just happens to be part of those experiences.  Okay, okay, I’ll change my former stance that it is not part of life, but I do so under protest.

So, to my friend, continue to love her but don’t dwell on the loss.  Put that experience in the past because that is where it is.  Move onto the present and create the future.  Who knows, many lifetimes down the road you may meet again and create the love you recently had with gusto all over again.

But still, death does suck… just sayin’.

darnfunnyonline.com

Many females, when they order in a restaurant, like to order something that is not on the menu or at least they want to change what is on the menu.  So I’m guessing here, but it would appear that women don’t really get the concept of what a menu is.

See, a menu is to tell you what the restaurant actually sells to the customer.  Men will look at the menu and order something that they see on the menu.  When a man goes into a hardware store he doesn’t ask the store clerk to change things for him.  He sees what they have and buys it or doesn’t.  He doesn’t go to the clerk and ask, “Do you have a saw that could also serve as a sander and can dig holes for you at the same time.”

Men don’t generally do that.  First of all we don’t like to ask questions.  It makes us look like we don’t know what is going on and we like to always look cool.  Oh yeah, we know how to handle any situation. Like when the car breaks down.  Even if we’ve never worked on a car or maybe even never got our hands dirty before we’ll still lift the hood and hope that something will magically go right when we do it.  Our wife might say it sounds like something is loose.  We’ll shake our heads and laugh condescendingly.  Then we look under the hood and if our wife isn’t looking we start to pray for help because we have no clue.  But we never admit that.

Many women will freely admit when they don’t know how to do something.  And with that we men can totally agree.  JUST KIDDING!!

That is actually where men will fall into a trap because the women will admit they don’t know how to do something so that they can get the men to do it.  They know we are stupid and egotistical enough to try to figure it out or at least hire someone to do the work for us and then take credit for it.  Either way the job gets done and then the women can go to lunch with their girlfriends and laugh at their spouses so really it works out well for everyone.

Of course, when they are ordering their lunch they’ll order something that’s not on the menu, which brings us back to the original topic.  Here’s a woman ordering:

Woman:  I’d like a tossed salad.  But could you also put a little ham and turkey on it.  Oh, and maybe a little bacon.

Waiter:  So it sounds like you want a Cobb salad then.

Woman:  Oh no, I just want a small amount of those items.  And then can you make a dressing for me that no one ever heard of before and the chef will have to experiment with it 5 times and I probably won’t be happy no matter what it tastes like anyway.  Oh, and could you put that in 3 separate cups surrounding my salad and possibly perform a dance while you serve it.

Alright, she won’t actually say those words but that is what it amounts to.  And after waiting on the rest of the women at the table with the same kind of orders the waiter will go back into the kitchen and try to jump into a vat of hot grease to put himself out of his misery.

So it’s pretty hard to tell who is more screwed up, men or women.  I guess we can call it a draw.  (At least until a few men get together over a beer or a cup of coffee.  Then this story has an entirely different ending.)

darnfunnyonline.com

There is so much to be thankful during the Christmas season.  Oh wait, I’ve got my holidays mixed up we gave thanks at Thanksgiving.  Anyway, I can do it now too.  I can do what I want, it’s my article.

For men, we are thankful that we don’t have to shop for months for Christmas gifts like women do.  Although we are getting into the man’s peak Christmas shopping season, Christmas Eve.  One reason we put off our shopping until the last minute is men hate to waste effort.  We figure if we die before Christmas we’ll have spent all that time shopping and we won’t even get any credit for it.

In our defense we are really just following in the footsteps of the three wise men, who at the last minute hopped onto their camels to spread some Christmas joy and refused to ask directions on how to get where they were going.

They had no gifts so they just planned on re-gifting Jesus some gold that had been collecting dust in their safe for the last several years.  Then when they were almost at Bethlehem, which is a suburb of Allentown, Pennsylvania, one of the wise men, I think it was Moe, said to Larry and Curly, “We can’t show up with just gold, we have to make it at least look like we put some thought into the gift.”  Obviously he didn’t know what the price of gold was going to soar to 2,010 years later.

Then Larry said, “But there’s nothing open, it’s Christmas Eve.”

Then suddenly Curly said, “Ooh, ooh, there’s a frankincense and myrrh shop over there with its light still on.”

So the three wise men went into the shop run by a guy named Scrooge, who else would be working on Christmas Eve, and got the frankincense and myrrh for which Scrooge overcharged them because they had no other option.

Then they got to the manger and gave the gifts to baby Jesus.  Mary was watching over all of this and shook her head, thinking, “They couldn’t wrap the gifts?  Not even a bow?”

Then the three guys were eating over at the snack table and Curly asked Mary, “You got any pudding?”  To which Moe punched him in the stomach and slapped in the head for being such a pig.  When Larry came to Curly’s defense Moe tried to poke him in the eyes but Larry blocked it and Curly said, “Yuck, yuck, yuck.”

Mary yelled at them, “Stop it.  I’ll get some pudding already.”  Then she walked over to the fridge and looked inside and thought, “Oh good at least I can get rid of this lousy figgy pudding with these idiots.”

Then there were some carolers that came outside the manger and starting singing, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.  Mary took it to mean that the three wise men should rest because they traveled so far on their camels but she knew it’s just because they got lost by trying to follow a star because they were too cheap to spring for a good GPS.  So with that thought she threw a can of fruit cake at the carolers.

And so many traditions were born on that night.

I guess I got side tracked with my little story there but there are many things to be thankful for at this time of year, most of all, family, friends, love and good life.  (And hopefully an occasional laugh by reading darnfunnyonline.com.)

Merry Christmas everybody!  Have a great holiday season and may you all flourish and prosper in the new year and beyond!!

President Obama apparently got a visit from the ghost of Christmas future, which made him realize the right thing to do was to give a gift to all the poor children whose parents make more than $250,000 a year.  Of course, the Democrats may assert that he got a visit from the Devil, but it’s all a matter of perspective.

Instead of seeing a grave site in his future like Scrooge saw in the classic Dickens tale, Obama saw himself sitting in a retirement chair in 2012, which to a power hungry politician is the same as a grave site.

I’m guessing it went something like the following.  When Obama got the visit from the ghost of Christmas future, who he dreaded the most of all the Christmas spirits, he first saw Hillary Clinton haggling over his belongings while she was preparing to run for election in 2012.

Next the ghost of Christmas future took him to see “tiny” Joe Biden.  He was “tiny” not because he was short in physical stature but short or “tiny” in his ability to think and talk at the same time.  He got to view a conversation from the future:

Tiny Joe:  Hi, Mr. President, how the f___ are you?  Why so glum?

Obama:  I just lost the primary, to Hillary Clinton of all people.  I thought I had her bought off with that Secretary of State post.

Tiny Joe:  Oh well, It’s not a big f___ing deal.  We had four years.  Our time is passed.  Hey, I know, we can blame Bush for not getting re-elected.

Obama:  It is a big deal, you idiot.  We almost had the whole country turned communist.  Now, I won’t be able to make it happen.

Tiny Joe shrugs and walks off.  The ghost of Christmas future and Obama fast forward to a room where they see Tiny Joe’s head soaking in a jar of formaldehyde.

Obama:  What happened to him?

Ghost:  You shot him after the last scene we just saw and now they are studying his brain to try to figure out how someone so stupid could advance so far in the political scene.  You spent the rest of your life in prison, where you lobbied for prisoners to get free cigarettes from the government.

Obama:  Hmmm…Still, I did get to shoot Biden, so every cloud does have a silver lining.

They fast forward to a new scene.  Obama walks into Ben Bernake’s office:

Obama:  Hi Uncle Ben.  Even though I’m not going to be President anymore will you still be able to print money for me any time I want it.

Bernake shakes the shackles that father time has pinned him with due to all his financial transgressions and he shouts at the top of his lungs:

Ben:  No, you moron, not another dime for you.  I’m going to have to fake another bailout to the big companies so they force their employees and unions to vote for Hillary.  Yeah, she’s a bitch, but at least she’s not a Republican.

Obama wakes up and finds himself in the Lincoln Room of the White House.  He sees the ghost of Lincoln staring him in the face.

Obama:  Abe is it really you?

Lincoln:  (Sarcastically) No, I’m that commie Franklin D. Roosevelt?  Of course, I’m Abe.  But if you don’t straighten up your act you’re going to end up here with us other presidential ghosts and you’ll be treated just like we all treat Roosevelt.  Nobody likes him very much, not even Truman.

Obama:  What should I do Abe?

Lincoln:  Work with the Republican’s for starters.

Obama:  I will, Abe, I will.

Obama ran out of the room and he was true to his word.  He did work with the Republicans, at least to the degree that he thought it would get him re-elected.

darnfunnyonline.com

Again, it is the Christmas season which brings great joy to many people for many reasons.  Some people are into the religious aspect of it, kids like the toys, many adults like the Christmas parties and extra time off and for Santa, he’s happy to get a day away from the freakin’ cold at the North Pole.  Plus, he gets to fly all over the world and he doesn’t have to go through a single airport security line and get fondled by a single TSA agent, which he most assuredly would considering his belly bounces like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs. They’ll figure something else has to be in there.  And the red suit, the hat, the boots and the beard, please, they’d be strip searching him well into the night preventing a lot of kids from getting presents.  I can guarantee you by the time they’d be done with him he would not be such a jolly old elf.  And when he left he wouldn’t be “putting a finger aside of his nose.”  It would be more like putting his thumb on his nose as he waved goodbye.  So we can all be thankful for Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and the whole crew.

There was a very huge thing that I left out about what Christmas can mean to some people.  This time of year is what many women get to do what some of them think they were put on this planet for and that is to SHOP.

Christmas shopping is a whole different animal than regular shopping.  This is where the pros take over, that is, women.  For men who do not like to shop (almost all of us) this is where we would prefer to crawl into the corner laying in a fetal position and not come out until it’s time to open the gifts on Christmas morning.  But our necessity level does make us come out on Christmas Eve, look over the leftovers in the stores and tell our spouses, “I looked all over but that’s all they had,”  as we hand our spouse a can of unwrapped WD-40.

Women don’t enjoy Christmas so much for the spirit of giving so much as they do for the spirit of BUYING.

Women like Christmas shopping like Charlie Sheen likes to party.

Asking a woman why she likes to shop at Christmas is like asking someone why they like to live.

Women like to shop at Christmas like a democrat likes to tax and spend.

Women are to retail stores at Christmas as Santa Claus is to children.

Just as President Obama never saw a stimulus package he didn’t like, a woman never saw an opportunity to shop that she did not like.

There is no logic to it.  It makes no sense to a logical person, (i.e. a man) that’s just the way it is.  We have to deal with it.

Now, for some reason my girlfriend seems compelled to defend her and the rest of her gender’s mania of shopping.  (Parenthetical phrase for male readers only: We have to be quiet now because you know the women are still going to try and listen in on what I’m telling you here, but we’ll humor them now and see what silliness she comes up.  Maybe we men can all get together for a Christmas cup of coffee and laugh at the women’s compulsion to shop.  Any day but Christmas Eve, I’ll think I’ll be busy then!)

REBUTTAL

Steve, honey, you just don’t get it.

Gifts.

Specifically, the giving of.

The holidays are not about shopping, they are about giving. (Shopping is just a side benefit!) Most women intuitively understand the complex formulas that go into picking gifts, but it starts even before that, with the lists of who you plan to give gifts to.

Immediate family is a no-brainer–parents, kids, spouses. Of course, with kids, you have to ensure that the total value of gifts to each is within 10% of the others. This prevents accusations of favoritism. Some of the time.

Spouses are a little harder unless you have history to draw from, and even then you need to ensure your history provides the correct prediction. “Last year he gave me that really cheap, cheesy see-thru bathrobe. What was he thinking?? But he saw the expression on my face. Is he going to swing for those emerald earrings this year? If so, does that mean I have to do the Movado watch for him? Or should I just get the bastard a box of chocolates and be done with it?”

(Steve’s Note:  Damn, it looks like those see-thru pajamas with the “Hot-rod” emblem at a strategic location might not work then.  I hope the guy who was selling them out of the trunk of his car is still there so I can return them.)

Then there are the girlfriends. You already know the intimate financial situation of all your closest girls. Don’t want to embarrass your girlfriend by getting her that $300 Burberry cashmere scarf when she gets you a three-bite Godiva mini box. Or, even worse, when you agree to no gifts this year and she still springs for that special little something that she saw on sale that she knew you’d been jonesing for. So you keep reserve gifts in the closet that you can spring out in gifting emergencies.

Then there is the eternal re-gifting issue, like the time when Barb gave that horrid wreath to Frannie, who forgot where it came from and regifted it back to Barb the next year. Their friendship never fully recovered.

So don’t think for one second that the holidays are about shopping. They are about carefully constructed mathematical equations that balance the psycho-politics of your life. Every holiday is a challenge mentally.

And we are not even going to start in on the calculus that begins in January when you assess and try to repair the financial damage of making your holiday gifting exploits create world peace—at least for your own little corner of the universe.

darnfunnyonline.com

(Note: This was an article I had written last year for Thanksgiving but the site was very new then so I am posting it again for all the new readers to enjoy.)

Thanksgiving is almost here.  This wonderful holiday means many things to many people.  To the football fan it is being able to watch football all day on a day that is not Saturday or Sunday.  To people who like to gorge themselves with food it is more fun than a sex therapist walking in on an orgy.  But to some people it is a an actual day when they do give thanks, such as that Nigerian businessman  giving thanks to Al Gore for inventing the Internet so that he could find that one in 10,000,000 people that is gullible enough to actually give out their bank information in hopes of getting rich.

There are really so many things that we can all give thanks for and when we look deep into our hearts it’s not hard to find them, for example:

Donald Trump can be thankful for all the money he makes because it gives him hope of someday having enough of it to find a cure for the bad hairdo.

Jon and Kate can be thankful for reality TV where people with no observable talent or skill can somehow still become famous and make a fortune.

Fox News can be thankful for Obama being critical of them and bringing up their ratings.

The drug lobbyist can give thankful that there are organizations within our government such as the FDA and Congress where you can still slip people money under the table and get them to do what you want even if you and the organizations you represent are a lying sack of dung.

Ronald McDonald can be thankful for the fact that he met his wife before she ever got a taste of the Burger King’s whopper.

Turkeys can be thankful that there is only one day a year (although for many people Christmas too) where they have to fear for their lives.

But  enough of that.  I always wondered what it was like being a turkey on a turkey farm leading up to  Thanksgiving:

Scene 1 – It is a sunny day in late April and two Turkeys, Tom and Tim, are laying on lounge chairs with their sunglasses on, smoking cigars and sipping on a beverage.

Tom:  It doesn’t get any better than this.  Whoever said being a turkey was a hard life didn’t know what he was talking about.

Tim: Yep, surrounded by chicks (A mother turkey walks by with her babies.) (Author’s note: baby turkeys are officially called poults but that doesn’t fit with the dialogue here, so deal with it!) We live the good life, all right.

Scene 2 – (Author’s note again, the scenes are not that long because turkeys are not known as great conversationalists.)It is mid-summer and Tom and Tim are sitting by the pool.

Tom: It sure is great to be a turkey.

Tim: Yeah, we could have been pigs and we’d have to worry about people who love bacon.

(They both laugh heartily.)

Scene 3.  (It is late October. Tom and Tim are sitting outside their roost.  They both have concerned looks on their faces.)

Tom: Have you noticed less of our turkey friends around here lately?

Tim:  Yeah, I wonder what’s going on?

They see the farmer walking towards them with an axe.  They look at each other wide-eyed and scream.)

Tom & Tim:  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Author’s note, yet again, Tom and Tim thought the farmer was coming at them with an axe because he was going to make them into food but the real reason was because this little play was going nowhere!)

Moral of the story:  If you are an actual turkey, it may seem like everything is going your way but you will, eventually, lose it all in the end.  (Congressmen up for re-election next year need to take note.)

darnfunnyonline.com

Once upon a time the mid-term election disaster occurred.  Barack Obama woke up feeling woozy, having been knocked out by the hurricane that hit the Democrats on election day.  He looked around but the surroundings didn’t look like anything he had ever seen before, including a mysterious yellow brick road.  He looked at his dog and said, “I don’t think we are in Washington any more Bobo.”

Bobo barked as if to say, ”Duh.”

They both looked around and saw a strangely familiar man with an orange glow to him.  “Who are you? And where are we?” asked Barack.

“I’m John, the Good Warlock of the East,” answered the man who looked amazingly like John Boehner.  “You need to follow the yellow brick road and find the Wizard of Asia and see if you can get the country’s money back.  He’s in China.”

“Can Bobo go too?”

“Bobo too,” answered John.

“Okay, but let me be clear, I’m not walking, I’m the President.  I’m taking Air force One.”

“But that will be so much more expensive.”

“Have you ever heard of tax payers?  That’s why we have them, to supply money for the Royalty.

John rolled his eyes, ”Whatever.”

Barack and Bobo headed out toward Air Force One and very soon they came upon a man who was looking all around the ground, behind trees, etc.  “Hey, what are you looking for?” asked Barack.

“I need a brain.  I’ve got to find a f___ing brain,” answered the man.

“You look like Joe Biden.”

“Well, my name is Joe.  Can you help me find a brain?”

“Maybe.  Bobo and I are going to see the Wizard of Asia to get America’s money back.  Maybe he can give you a brain.”

“Okay, I’ll join you.”

A moment after continuing a woman flew down on a broom.  Startled, Barack asked, “Nancy Pelosi, is that you?

“No, they call me the Wicked Witch of the West and I’m here to get rid of you and your idiot friend, Joe, so that I can be President, even if it will only last for 2 months.  It’ll be better than nothing.”

Bobo ran up to her and started barking.  “Hey get that mutt away from me.  If he bites me it will really hurt and my face is too frozen to change expressions.”

“Why is that?”

“That stupid goody-goody, Warlock of the East put a spell on me so that I have a permanent Botox fixation.  After I take care of you two I’ll take care of him too.”  Just then Bobo walked up close to her and started lifting his leg.  She screamed and flew off on her broom but warned them.  “I’ll be back.”

They headed out again to find Air Force One.  Very soon they came across two men.  One was on the left side of the road and another on the right.  “Who are you two guys?”

The man on the right answered first.  “I need to find a heart, so I was thinking of ripping his out.”

“Let me guess, you need some courage?”  Barack said to the man on the left.

“No, actually, I’d like to get a personality.  Apparently, I’ve never had one.”

“Wait a minute.  Aren’t you Dick Cheney and Harry Reid?”  Barack asked.

The man on the left answered, “No, but I am called Harry and many people have referred to him as a Dick.”

Dick snarled at Harry.

“I’m looking for money and Joe here, is looking for a brain.  We hope the Wizard of Asia can help us.  Why don’t you come with us? Wait,” Barack said to Dick.  “You weren’t hunting for that heart with a gun were you?  I don’t want to get shot in the face.”

“No, all I have with me is a water board.”

Okay, let’s get going, I only have ten days for this trip to Asia.”

They hurried along and got to Air Force One.  Just as they were taking off The Wicked Witch of the West was flying up on her broom but she accidentally got caught up in the exhaust of the plane and it made her fall to the ground.  Then suddenly a man who looked strangely like Glenn Beck ran up with a bucket of water and threw it on her.  As she started to melt he noticed he didn’t have enough water to finish the job.  He looked around for a water source but upon finding none he got the idea to finish her off the way Bobo was going to.  Barack and the others were watching all this from up in Air Force One.  After seeing what happened they all looked at each other, shrugged and said, “Eh.”

Finally, the plane landed in Asia and they saw a sign on a building that said “The Wizard of Asia”.  There were many small people working on the building that they thought were munchkins but as they got closer they realized they were Chinese children.

They walked into the building and saw a man that looked just Barack Obama standing behind a curtain.

Confused, Joe looked at the Barack that was with them and asked, “How can you be two people at once?”

“Hey, shut up, you don’t even have a brain.  It’s my dream, so if I can’t be the son of God in this one I’ll at least be a wizard.”

The Wizard Barack said unenthusiastically, “Ignore the man behind the curtain, blah, blah, whatever.”  He walked out to meet them.  “Okay, you found me so what do you want?

Joe took the lead and said, “I’m here looking for a brain, this guy wants a heart and he wants a personality.  And this guy who looks just like you would like to get some money from China so that America can be the richest country in the world again.”

The Wizard looked at them in the order Joe had requested.  “You are an idiot and will never have a brain, you are mean and will never get a heart, and you… man, you are just flat out boring. You could hook up with Al Gore and between the two of you, you still wouldn’t have half of a personality.  And as for you, Barack, just do everything the opposite of what you have done so far and things will start to go right for your country.  I can however, give your dog a biscuit.”

Just then, back in Washington, Michelle Obama was shaking Barack, who was in his bed wearing pajamas that said “It’s good To Be The King” and they were adorned with little crowns.  “Wake up Barack.  It’s time for your bowling lessons.”

He sat up abruptly.  “Wow! Did I ever have a nightmare.”

“Don’t feel bad, all of America is having a nightmare.  The good news is it will all be over in two years.”

THE END

darnfunnyonline.com

There are many words that have brand new definitions in the last ten years and many new words that have been coined in that time.  If someone has been in a coma during that period and just woke up they would hear these terms and think that we had developed a new language.  They would be correct.

There is Twitter, tweeting, blogging,  Facebook, friends, followers, Farmville, poking and going viral to name a few.  I’ve been on Facebook for over a year and I still don’t actually know what poking is, but I definitely don’t get the idea it’s something I want some other guy to do to me.

There was a time when writing on someone’s wall meant somebody put graffiti on your home.  Now it means something else ( I don’t know why but I suddenly feel like I’m Andy Rooney the way this article is starting out.)

Now if someone “writes on your wall” it means a conversation that too often goes like this:

“I just got in an elevator”

“Any good music?”

“No, but someone just farted”

Actually, that’s not fair.  That is actually much more entertaining than many Facebook conversations that are available for all of their “friends” to see.

On Facebook there is a relationship status that you fill out that has caused untold upset, for example, this happy couple after she inspects his Facebook page:

Girlfriend:  We’ve been dating for a month.  Why does your relationship status still say “single”?

Boyfriend:  Oh yeah, just didn’t get around to changing it.

Girlfriend:  Do you consider I’m your girlfriend?

Boyfriend:  Yes.

Girlfriend:  Don’t you want to tell people you have a girlfriend?

Boyfriend:  Well, uh, at the moment, not so much.

Men are just not good at improvising on relationship questions and that ends that one.

Not that people were already great communicators but Twitter has forced people to be able to communicate in 140 characters or less.  This may be a happy thought if you are a mime but if you actually want to get a thought across it is not always the best .

There are definite signs that you’re spending too much time on your computer or IPhone.  One is if you are lucky enough to have a live conversation with someone and they tell a joke and instead of laughing you say “LOL” that would be a bad sign for you.  Also, if you are in the middle of having sex and you tell your mate to just scroll down a little farther (on your body) that would not be a good sign either.  If you are looking forward to the release of IPhone 5 like it will be a religious experience then you are definitely in trouble.

These days people are getting so fat they need to put up multiple profiles on Facebook to accommodate themselves.  I don’t know, maybe it’s one for each ass cheek.

Even the Queen of England just put up her own Facebook page, but no one is allowed to look directly at it and definitely no poking allowed.

Even though I have had a cell phone for about ten years I have steadfastly resisted texting.  I just always preferred an actual conversation.  But it looks like that era will be coming to an end.  A loved one has been insisting I take up texting and it looks like I will succumb.  It’s either that or I’ll have to change my Facebook relationship status.

darnfunnyonline.com

The day after the mid-term election President Obama looked into his magic mirror and asked it, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most liberal of them all?”

Nancy Pelosi’s reflection flicked into the mirror, and the mirror said, “Get out of there you loser.”  (Not the most forgiving mirror.) The mirror didn’t break, but Nancy’s face cracked a bit.

Then Harry Reid’s face came into the mirror, “Oh please, yeah, you’re as liberal as anybody but you’re more boring than Al Gore.  GET OUT OF HERE!”  Harry disappeared (author’s note – if only that were true.)

Obama’s reflection came into the mirror and he got his big Obama smile that suckered so many people into believing him two years ago.  “I KNEW IT WAS ME!”

“Of course it was you, you jackass, you’re so liberal you can’t even walk on the right side of the street,” the mirror said.  “But I’m really disappointed in how you lost the confidence of the people and made us lose the House.”

“Yeah, poor Nancy, huh?”

“Screw Nancy!” The mirror said.  I don’t care about Nancy! Nancy was just a pawn…and by the way, I mean that literally.  That bitch has such a plastic looking face she could actually be a chess piece.”

“But what could I have done differently? Our policies don’t really work.”

“Well, for one thing you can stop being the master of the obvious.  We know they don’t work, you idiot, but we have to make the people believe that maybe they could.” The mirror chuckles and then says mostly to himself, “I still can’t believe that anyone would actually fall for the ‘print money and give it away to get out of debt’ gambit.”

Obama smiled proudly, “Yeah, that one was my idea.”

”You can wipe the smile off your face, you Kenyan reject ” the mirror snapped at him.  “We won’t be able to use that one again.  Not with those evil ‘elephant men’ running the House.  They’re always trying to stop our socialistic and communistic ideas.  Why would someone do that?”

“I guess we haven’t gotten the people apathetic enough for their own good.”

“Ya Think?”  The mirror shook its frame in disgust.  “Look here, ‘Cars for Clunkers’ brain…and just so you know, you’re an idiot for letting Biden talk you into that one.  We’re still living that one down.  Here’s what we’re going to do.”

Obama’s ear perked up more than ever to listen closely, making him look like Dumbo the Elephant, which really pissed off the mirror because it reminded him of elephants again, but he said nothing about it.

“The only potentially workable strategy right now is going back to blaming Bush and Cheney for all the problems.  Cheney is the only politician who is disliked as much as you so we’ve got to go with what we have.”

“Yes, sir,” said Obama.  “I’ll get right on it and start booking myself on talk shows.  Maybe I’ll have a cup of tea while I plan it out.”

“TEA, TEA?!?!?  GET OUT OF HERE YOU OPRAH WANNABE”

darnfunnyonline.com